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a-stitch-in-time-and-space · 5 years

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You ask for prompts and I'm here again to seek new content to read: 3. How often do/can they see each other (due to living on different planets, having stressful jobs, etc) with Gashir (/Garakshir) 🤩🤩

Eyyyyy. I am just gonna… casually fold into this… a little trans-Bashir as a treat…. because it’s trans day of visibility!!! Also I hc Cardassians as intersex, in the sense of they as a species don’t call themselves intersex, but their genders are far more loosely determined at birth, because there’s not really sexual dimorphism (or rather, there is, but it’s so many different factors that it’s not classified) and then gendering comes later in life depending on what role they’re supposed to play in society ahem – different post to make!

Also Garak has a tail in this, also casually.. also this got longer than intended… oops?

—– Letter Analysis ——

Their lives have a sort of normality that many families in this day and age exist with. Space travel, careers that necessitate being off-planet for long stretches at a time, the struggles of being a representative for entire planets or systems, all of this isn’t out of the ordinary.

Still, it takes them a little while to adjust, if only because they spent so long not getting it together that now that they have, well, they want to savour it. On the flip-side their relationship functions much better than so many who enter into partnerships of some kind without fully considering the difficulties of spending so much time apart and inevitably crumble.

Because of all that time they know, without a doubt, that their lives are entwined for good, regardless of how much of it they spend without one another’s physical company.

They fall into letter-writing naturally. After all, they had been doing the same before, why stop now.

It has become something of a competition at this point: who can write the longest letter. Thus far, Julian is winning and Elim is still in the process of reading his when they see one another again. He pretends to be blasé about it, but Julian can read him easily these days. He wonders at the time when he couldn’t and can’t really picture it.

While Elim is giving him a back-handed compliment at the way he’s managed to fold three words worth of content into whole paragraphs, Julian realises that he’s never known anyone as well as he knows Elim. And every detail of himself is known in turn. From the scars of his chest surgery that he purposefully kept, to the ridges at the base of Elim’s tail, it feels like everything about them was perfectly made for the other.

It’s strange, how many tiny moments are filled with love, they both learn.

(After Elim sends him a letter of 3000 pages, Julian simply answers: You win).

They consider what it would be like to have a family with the way their lives are run. Elim generally lives on Cardassia unless his diplomatic duties take him elsewhere, while Julian is hopping from emergency to medical find to distress call to conference.

Still, they approach the matter on the premise that it will happen. Their letters during these years follow a trajectory of thought with little variation, as they can’t actually be together for the discussion.

They discuss pregnancy – both of them are capable of bearing a child, but the time needed (nine earth months for humans, even longer for cardassians) makes it a challenging prospect. Moreover Julian and Elim, each for their own reason, have issues with concepts surrounding an uncontrollable force fundamentally changing their bodies.

It doesn’t take them long to agree that adoption was always the only option. Still there’s the matter of their careers being incompatible with children. Neither of them wants to put a child in harm’s way and both of their careers contain elements of danger. I believe, writes Elim drily and with an underlying sadness that Julian wishes he could heal, that this sixth assassination attempt may contain a sign that a child would not be particularly safe in my company.

The way this resolves itself is oddly perfect for what they need and who they are and comes through both of their continued work with mixed-species war-orphans, who more often than not are homeless, ostrasized and suffering from any number of easily treatable diseases. Garak opens a series of institutions in the name of Ziyal and habitually lends a hand in their various gardens where he befriends a number of the kids.

This plan also works to ground a lot of Julian’s focus in the space of mixed-species research, specifically writing papers on the future of the galaxy needing to see species integration for the sake of these kids as an inevitability as cultures mix and to understand the medical and cultural implications thereof.

Kira and Ro get heavily involved on the Bajoran side of things – in general a bunch of adults from DS9 days come together to give kids a better chance than they had.

Beyond that though, they come to realise that they’re okay on family. With these kids – many of whom they get to know personally over the years – with Molly and Yoshi O'Brien and Rebecca Sisko getting older and the two of them functioning as uncles, there’s more than enough for them to be getting on with on the children front: Elim and I were very happy to see you all again – Don’t worry, I’ll keep Yoshi safe – we’ll be making a stop at Bajor where Nerys is very excited to see him again –

Their circle is actually a sizeable, cross-galaxy household. They come to realise that it doesn’t matter if your family is someone you can’t see often, what matters is they’re all inhabiting the same space.

They don’t argue often. With the lack of time they have together, what would be the point of raising petty squabbles. There are things like the time Julian forgot about a very important dinner that Elim was a guest of honour at, which opened up a box of the kind of loneliness Elim thought he’d overcome, but it wasn’t about anger or arguing, it was about the two of them figuring out that sometimes this not seeing one another was actually damned hard. It was about asking for forgiveness and receiving it even before the asking. It was about making sure that they wouldn’t let things ever be unsaid, because their time together – comparative to their whole lives – was always going to be so short.

The actual worst long-standing consequence is that Elim and Julian are political celebrities, and so whatever tabloid-equivalent exists publishes one thousand pieces on their apparently irreconcilable relationship. Julian finds himself referred to as everything from a “heartthrob who found he needed more,” to “a cheater who habitually has several affairs at once.”

It’s amazing, remarks Elim in his latest letter, how these kinds of spurious articles are written even today, and how they still don’t seem to know the facts. On that note I hope you have a wonderful time with Data, and Parmak sends his love from my lap - it’s making it very hard to write this.

They’re both twenty years older by now, but things aren’t slowing down with their work by the looks of things. Julian’s work centres more and more on the various groups whose medical needs are considered less valid or even non-medical, because of their social status and who often have medical issues of kinds that don’t come up in normative societies – mixed-species, augments, A.I. (for awhile his standing suffers, when he argues that mechanical needs for A.I. ought to be taught in Starfleet Medical), non-bipedal species, Ex-B’s, Jem'Hadar, clones.

Elim keeps his Carrington Award on the wall for everyone to see. Partly to mess with him – To The Prestigious Winner of the CA – many of his letters begin for several years after, but mostly out of pride.

(In return and with as much love, Julian addresses him as Ambassador and Castellan – the joke evolves as they find ever more flowery titles for one another. Julian wins this one: My Dearest, the Ambassador to the United Federation of planets, Castellan of the Cardassian Union, Blusher when Being Whispered Compliments about the Length of Your Tail, Not-So-Secret Reader of Austen and Pratchett, Seducer of Doctors (No Doubt Currently Spluttering in Denial), Possessor of Biteable Ridges (Blushing Again, I Hope) and of My Heart… this opening continues a further four pages. The letter itself reads: I expect to land on Cardassia within the next three days. Surprise.)

At the end of it all, Julian finally comes to Cardassia for good. Along the way it’s become his home more than any planet, station, starship, or system, for the simple fact that he’s been returning to Elim, and Elim is home.

There’s a strangeness to all the time they have. The walks they take, the languid mornings, the discussions of books they’ve read whilst in each other’s company, it’s all far more surreal than the years spent wanting to see one another again and catching whatever moments they could.

They can’t shake the habit of writing one another letters, even as they’re sitting in the same room. They don’t need to be long or well-formed any more, although occasionally silly competitions spring up, just for fun.

The one Julian’s reading right now, as Elim’s tail languidly curls around his waist, simply says: I am glad that you’re finally home – E

–— The End ——

Submissions for drabbles are now closed, thank you for sending me asks!

#Julian Bashir #Elim Garak #Garashir #ds9 #st: ds9 #star trek #fanfic #writing

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chanoyu-to-wa · 4 years

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Nampō Roku, Book 5 (58): Two Poetic Aphorisms Related to the Practice of Kane-wari, Attributed to Rikyū¹.

58) [Two aphorisms in poetic form related to the practice of kane-wari, that were written on the back side of the document translated in the previous post; and attributed to Rikyū by Tachibana Jitsuzan².]

￮ [From] the chigai-dana [違棚], ō-toko [大床], shoin [書院], [to the] wabi-zashiki [ワヒ座シキ = ワビ座敷], [the arrangement of the utensils] is based on the five kane of the daisu³.

￮ In the small room, as well as in a room of one-thousand mats, the numbers of objects [displayed] should be based on the daisu’s nanatsu-kumi [七つ組]⁴.

(These two poems were written on the back of the sheet of paper on which the previous manuscript was written. The poems were composed by Rikyū, and inscribed with his own brush⁵.)

_________________________ ◎ As with the previous document (on which they were written), these poems are probably spurious, since the first utilizes the five-kane system (that was, in fact, favored by Rikyū), rather than the eleven-kane system that was mentioned in the document to which these poems were supposedly appended)*; while the language of the second one conflicts directly with details that are found in several of Rikyū’s own densho. ___________ *This does not necessarily preclude this poem’s having been composed by Rikyū. Indeed, writing a poem that was commonly believed (at that time) to have been written by Rikyū would argue for the authenticity of a forgery.

¹According to the postscript appended to this entry, the poems were attributed to Rikyū by Tachibana Jitsuzan, apparently based on the handwriting, and the fact that they were written on the back of the letter (or densho) explaining the different kinds of kane-wari -- that was translated in the previous post.

²This entry was not provided with a title in the Enkaku-ji manuscript (or in any of the other versions of the text).

The use of the waka form was intended to make the details easier to remember. This is why teachings (especially those that were important for the beginner) were often stated in poetic form.

³The first poem reads:

chigai-dana・ō-toko・shoin・wabi-zashiki moto ha daisu no itsutsu-kane nari

[違棚・大床・書院・ワヒ座シキモトハ臺子ノ五ツカネナリ].

“The chigai-dana, the ō-toko, the shoin, [and] the wabi-zashiki: the foundation of these are the five-kane of the daisu.”

⁴The text of the second poem is:

ko-zashiki mo sen-jō-shiki mo mono-kazu no moto ha daisu no nanatsu-kumi nari

[小座鋪モ千疊敷モ物數ノモトハ臺子ノ七ツ組ナリ].

“Also in the small room*, also in the thousand-mat room, the number of objects is based on the nanatsu-gumi of the daisu.”

Mono-kazu [物數] means the number of objects, how many things.

Nanatsu-gumi [七ツ組] is a machi-shū term, used in the Nampō Roku†, that refers to the “complete” arrangement of objects on the daisu: on the ji-ita, the furo, mizusashi, shaku-tate, koboshi, and futaoki; and on the ten-ita, the chaire and chawan.

In other words, the arrangement of objects on the chigai-dana, in the ō-toko, on the dashi-fu-zukue [出し文机] (the built-in writing desk, sometimes referred to as the tsuke-shoin [付書院] today), as well as in the wabi setting, all of these are based on the idea that the numbers should be yang (odd)‡ -- since yang numbers are auspicious.

About this poem, Tanaka Senshō writes**: “The number seven is a yang [i.e., an odd] number. Such numbers as seven, five, three, and so on, are auspicious numbers. For this reason, even in the small room, the toko, tana, and [things placed directly on the floor of the] room, the total number of objects displayed should follow the same pattern as the seven [utensils] that are displayed [on the daisu]. (It is important to point out that this [use of the number seven] has nothing to do with the seven-kane system that is employed in the inakama; therefore, one should be careful [not to confuse the one with the other].)

“But, having said that, the nanatsu-gumi of the daisu, and the seven-kane that are employed on the inakama-daisu: both make use the auspicious number seven. Likewise, this number seven is also found in the mitsu-ori [by adding the four interstitial kane], in the four seasons††, and so forth.

“When divided into two parts, [seven] yields three and four; or two and five. The number of objects can also be broken down into sets that have an auspicious meaning: one, two, three; or, seven, five, three, and so on. When you think about it, the root number is always the seven objects arranged on the daisu: from this [example of the daisu] comes the teaching that is described in this poem.”

However, the difficulty in accepting the authenticity of this poem has less to do with the meaning (which may well be authentic to the point of being a truism -- assuming we do not take the number “seven” too literally -- at least during the daytime), than with the terminology used in this poem -- which pointedly deviates from the usages prescribed, in detail, in several of Rikyū’s own densho‡‡. __________ *Ko-zashiki [小座鋪] is another way to write ko-zashiki [小座敷] that seems to have been favored (in certain circles) during the Edo period.

†This is used as an example used in the support of the argument that the Nampō Roku was written by Tachibana Jitsuzan by those scholars (who are by and large not affiliated with any of the modern tea schools) who prefer to hold that opinion. (Often these people prefer to keep this opinion to themselves, since publishing such things, in Japan, would be tantamount to committing professional suicide -- as can be attested by the repeated attacks that have been made on this blog, initiated by people affiliated with a certain modern school.)

‡Perhaps the full count should be yin (even) at night.

**此七ツの数は陽の数で、七五三抔と云ふて芽出度い数である。故に小座敷でも、床、棚、座敷、此合計の道具数を七ツ飾る事がある。是は田舎間の七ツ曲尺の問題とは何の関係も無い事である事に注意せねばならぬ。

けれども、台子の七ツ組、田舎間台子の七ツ曲尺、共に七と云ふ数の吉数である事には共通の思想がある。又此七ツを三ツ折、四季抔云ふて、三と四に二分したり、二と五に二分して、一二三、七五三抔と祝意を表する数に分解するのも、考へて見ると、其根元の数は台子の七ツ組と云ふ故実から起源して居ると云へると云ふ歌意である。

††Perhaps Tanaka is referring to the seven classical “seasons” that traditionally governed the practice of chanoyu:

◦ shun [春], spring (the planting season);

◦ u-zen [雨前], the month or so before the rainy-season begins (characterized by increasingly frequent overcast skies and rain);

◦ u-chū [雨中], during the rainy-season;

◦ u-go [雨後], the spell of intense heat that follows the end of the rainy-season;

◦ shū [秋], autumn (the harvest season);

◦ shō-kan [小寒], early winter;

◦ dai-kan [大寒], the period of intense cold that occurs around the beginning of the new year.

Or, perhaps (since he characterizes this as “the four seasons,” when, in fact, there are seven) he was not really clear about this ancient (and secret) series, and was simply relating something that his source (one of the last surviving of the Enkaku-ji scholars) had mentioned to him in passing (without that person’s having gone into the details).

This series of seasons is extremely important, since it defines the way that we stage a gathering at any given point during the year -- including how we select the utensils. Unfortunately, this is another teaching that has been lost to many of the modern schools.

‡‡According to Rikyū, nanatsu-kazari [七ツ餝] refers to the (1) kama, (2) furo, (3) mizusashi, (4) hishaku, (5) shaku-tate, (6) koboshi, and (7) futaoki (rather than to the (1) kama-furo, (2) mizusashi, (3) shaku-tate, (4) koboshi, (5) futaoki, (6) chaire, and (7) chawan, as used by the machi-shū).

Furthermore, he continues that the word kazari [餝] should be used when talking about the things arranged on the ji-ita, while kumi [組] should be used when discussing the things displayed on the ten-ita.

He then goes on to explain that this was all a secret teaching, the purpose of which was expressly to distinguish those persons who had been initiated into the orthodox teachings of the daisu, from those who had not -- the latter (he writes) being people who use nanatsu-gumi (to mean the furo and kaigu, plus the chaire and the chawan).

The machi-shū affiliated with Imai Sōkyū appear to have preferred this later terminology, and that is why it is commonly used by the modern schools.

It is because of differences such as these, between Rikyū's actual writings and what is found in the secondary sources (the Nampō Roku is, at best, a secondary source), that certain modern schools argue that Rikyū's actual writings are fake, while the documents that they cherish (which are largely the writings derived from the machi-shū tradition) are the only true representation of the ancient teachings.

⁵Kono uta ni-shu ha migi no kami no hiki-kaeshi tokoro ni ari. Rikyū no ji-ei ji-hitsu [此歌二首ハ右ノ紙ノ引カヘシノ所ニアリ、利休自詠自筆].

“With respect to these two poems, they were [found] on the back side of the page mentioned at the right. [They were] self-composed [and] self-written by Rikyū.”

The poems were written on the back side of the sheet on which the drawings of the various sorts of kane-wari were found. Rikyū both composed the poems, and inscribed them there “with his own brush.”

According to Shibayama Fugen, this note was appended by Tachibana Jitsuzan. Tanaka Senshō, while he does not explicitly ascribe the authorship to Jitsuzan, notes that it was written in the margin of the page, in red ink.

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isitgintimeyet · 5 years

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The Ties That Bind

Master List - AO3

1. A Spring Wedding

2. A Recreational Activity (Well, Two)

3. A Difficult Conversation

4. An Emergency Appointment

5. A Sneaky Set up

6. A First Date

7. A Comprehensive Review

8.A Dinner Invitation

9. A Morning Intervention

10. A Serious Debrief or Two

11. A Home Visit

12. A Highland Distillery

13. A Fine Day

14. A New Addition

15. A Complicated Predicament

16. An Uncomfortable Revelation

17. A Therapeutic Counselling

18. A Way Forward

19. A Problem Shared

20. A Definite Proof

21. A Spurious Misapprehension

22. A Heartfelt Discussion

23. A Meddling Matriach

24. A Fanciful Hallowe’en

25. A Tense Miscommunication

26. A Grinchless Christmas

27. A Thankful Hogmanay

28. A Waiting Game

29. An Anticipated Delivery

30. A Clandestine Appointment

31. A Legal Precedent

32. A Welcome Home

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kidchameleon92 · 5 years

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“life story” 1

i’m not going to edit this at all going along. typos, bad grammar, mistakes. doesn’t matter. this is spontaneous thought.

disclaimer: i changed the word to “spontaneous” from “spurious” which means something completely different, so the first paragraph is already a lie.

anyway, it’s been a really weird and sort of bad couple months for me. mostly in my state of mind. i feel very stuck and very immobile when it comes to my art and career. and that is having a very negative effect on my brain. even though i’m putting out my favorite songs i’ve ever written. i’ve been meaning to write for awhile. i used to post when i lived in los angeles several years ago, just journaling my day to day life. but i haven’t for awhile. i guess i also used to write in a notebook while on different tours. but i think i’ve since thrown that away or hidden it somewhere.

point is: i just want to write to get things off my mind. and hopefully, maybe, it’ll help you (if you care to) get to know me a little more and on a more personal level. even if we haven’t met. and maybe it’ll make what i make (if you care about it) mean more to you. either way, mostly, i just want to rant a bit. so, this is my life’s story. i guess.

chapter 1: kid

i was born in a suburb of the twin cities in minnesota. my parents both grew up in minnesota and lived there their whole lives (until my mom recently moved to tennessee). my mom was a mortician, and my dad was an accountant. also an alcoholic. he cheated on her and left her and i when i was one year old. i remember growing up going to stay with him on weekends, except it was with him and his girlfriend at the time. except he was drunk a lot. and would drive drunk with me (a baby) in the car. so, that’s cool. anyway, my mom was really depressed, and that was not a good time (or so i’ve heard, because i was a baby, so idk).

i stayed with my grandparents a lot, because my mom worked full time. my maternal grandparents lived on a ton of land. my grandpa and i would ride motorcycles and four wheelers and sleep in a treehouse and all that. my other grandparents lived in the same town but in a small house. i used to go up to their cabin during the summer and go fishing and swimming and boating and all that. different g-parent vibes, but loved both a lot.

anyway, when i was three, my mom married my step-dad. he is from india and has had a lot of unique and challenging experiences, so that certainly brought a lot of particular lessons and outlooks into my life. i went there once when i was about 14. it was wild. but so, yeah. that kinda solidified my family unit. my dad got remarried later on as well. but the older i got, i saw him less and less.

so ... i loved video games. i played them all the time. a big part of my childhood. mostly nintendo. explains a lot. as a kid in school (4 years public, 3 years private, 1 year home, 3 years private, 1 year PSEO [look it up]), i was never popular whatsoever. i always wanted to gain some sort of acclaim or attention from my classmates, but was pretty much always looked down on for one reason or another. i remember in elementary school, i was the kid who was literally terrified of storms. probably because i had been in a tornado when i was six. but the moment it would thunder, all the kids would look at me to see if i was gonna cry. usually, i did. and the school nurse would take me outside and we’d walk around as a sort of therapy. i guess it helped sorta. i still get nervous in storms. but i don’t cry.

i also remember a time specifically that i got made fun of for wearing a denver broncos t-shirt. this kid just railed on me because it wasn’t a minnesota vikings shirt. so, one: i don’t even give a fuck about sports. but two: it stuck with me for some reason that someone would be a massive jerk over a t-shirt of a sports team. i guess that’s just because we as humans are messed up things.

anyway, in middle school, i started becoming semi-interested in music. i listened to the radio every night, listening to the top 10 countdown of big songs from that week. kanye, weezer, the click five, black eyes peas, green day. those were some anyway. besides that, i was just listening to like kelly clarkson and relient k or something. my mom had a steven curtis chapman cd in her van i thought went hard. but i started getting into popular music around then. i also started to write my own music. i used to take piano lessons from when i was like six or seven until i was 14 or so. but after i started writing my own songs, i hated practicing assigned pieces. i didn’t care. i wanted to play my own. so, the teacher said if i quit, i couldn’t be her student again. so i did. that’s fine. she said i was her most talented student. but i didn’t work that hard. so, that goes to show that natural talent and hard work have different roles, i suppose.

chapter 2: girls and high school and such

in high school, i started LiKiNg gIrLs and stuff. i also was still not very popular. i also had started a band (with jack). i wasn’t very good, but i was just as obsessed with it as i am now. anyway, i liked this one girl from my church, and we talked all the time. but because we grew up in a pretty fundamental church culture, we weren’t allowed to date. which honestly, i fine, because looking back, no one knows what they are doing at 16 really. i definitely didn’t. i still don’t know what i’m doing. anyway ...

so, this girl and i half-dated for a couple years, and i was really clingy and annoying. but that’s just how i be. and i thought i was gonna marry her and stuff, because in a fundamental church context, you over spiritualize everything.

[[disclaimer: i am a christian, and i still go to church, but my theology and ideology on a lot of things has just evolved and changed a lot since i was young and since leaving the ultra-americanized/ultra-fundamental “christian” realm. main point being: we all are effed up bro and need saving. i’m an idiot always!]]

but now we’re back. girl “dumped” me and started dating another guy named “patrick” right after, even though she technically wasn’t allowed to date until she was 18. but apparently, she just wasn’t allowed to date me. so, that was cool. anyway, i was angsty, but then i got over it. because i was 17, so life big time goes on.

then i met another girl from canada while i was finishing school and going hard at my band stuff. we hit it off, and i started visiting her up there. and she visited me and all that. it was cool. and then all of a sudden, she really started hating me. and to be fair, i was weird and clingy and sort of a lot to deal with. but we kept dating. all the while, i was sort of leaving behind music to try to get into nursing school. yep, nursing school. but i got rejected, which is great. and so, i decided to go to audio engineering school in canada. and she was gonna go to college in the same city. this is great! so i thought. she dumped me (well, i sort of broke up with myself for her) about a month after we were living in the same city. wack. but it made me buckle down and work my ass off in school. i was top of my class one semester. yeah, i’m not that dumb. sometimes.

towards the spring of the next year, i happened to meet a girl who was at my church with one of my friends. she seemed chill. just talked a little. nothing crazy. happened to hit her up on twitter just to say hi. no intention. we talked a bit. nothing after that. then all of a sudden, a couple months later, i was tweeting about reading harry potter for the first time (note: fundamental upbringing). she happened to tweet me back about it. and long story short, we went out on a date. a sort-of-date. and what was supposed to be a lunch turned into an all day and half the night date. anyway, we got married a year later. after a lot of immigration paperwork and expenses. that’s a whole other post. that sucked. it’s a lot. and it’s why i feel bad for people who have nothing who are trying to come here to flee danger in their own countries. again, another post.

chapter 3: married, and other hard things

so, i forgot to say that before we got married, i lived in los angeles for a year after school. i was doing more sound for film work. on set stuff, post-production. got to do work with like ... james franco, matt damon, emma roberts, william shatner. some cool stuff. but jack’s old band came through on tour, and i saw two shows. and i was like ... bruh. i gotta do music, what am i doing? so, i literally moved back to minnesota within like two weeks, worked as a nursing assistant for a little bit and got married. then moved to nashville like two weeks later. i guess i could’ve stayed in los angeles. but nashville felt like the move at the time. everything happens with a purpose.

so, we moved here, and she couldn’t work for three months because of immigration stuff. so, i was like, well, guess i need a job. so, i got a job managing a home for a couple people with intellectual disabilities. it was super hard. mostly because the company was really, really bad. so, i got another job working as a staffing coordinator in an office for a home health care agency. that was a little better. still tough. but less overwhelming. a couple months after i got that job, i got an offer to go on a country tour playing bass for someone. and i was like ... well, this is why i moved here. so, i quit and went on tour. and shawna actually took my old job. interesting.

i was gone for three weeks, and it sucked and the pay was bad, but at least i was doing what i wanted. but then i got an offer from my friend to do some tech work on a much bigger country gig. i hadn’t done it before, but it was better pay and a better position. and on a bus and nice things and all that. so, i went for it. i pissed the other girl i was playing for off. but that’s show biz, baby. but like, i found a replacement for myself and paid to fly him out to her shows and stuff. so, really she won.

anyway, i toured with this other artist for four years. and i learned a lot. it was very, very challenging, both mentally and physically. and some people are just hard to work with. but i still gained so much valuable experience and insight into touring from that. i also started playing guitar for another artist who was small at the time, but has now had a couple number one hits. but his label fired me because i didn’t look country enough. we’re still homies though, so it’s literally fine. because i do indeed not look country enough.

at the same time, i was doing my own solo music and also producing and writing with and for other people. i’ve had the opportunity to write and produce for everything from independent artists to major label to billboard charting albums to whatever. songs on major television networks. i’m still very un-rich though, if that tells you anything.

but really, i just wanted to do my own music. and i literally couldn’t get it to go anywhere. i had no idea what the “secret” was. what was i missing? money? connection? power? actually probably all of that, to be honest. this industry is wacko. i was pretty close to giving up.

chapter 4: milkk

i read a satirical article on vice.com about “how to start a trendy band” or something. i thought it was funny. so, i called jack. he had just been kicked out of his old band for no reason. i was like, “bruh, let’s do this article.” and he was like, ok. so, we sort of did. and i’m not gonna go into all the early details, because i’ve done a million press interviews about how our band started. and i don’t wanna say it again. google it.

this was the first time that i actually saw people care about my music. it was a high. it was like a dream. and we hadn’t even had any big song or anything. just the fact that people were listening and engaging was mind blowing to me. but just like with anything, the more things went, the less i found satisfying. the more “likes” or “follows” on socials didn’t feel like enough anymore. the streams didn’t seem good enough. the chart positions on the debut album didn’t seem that great. the hype wore off a little after the debut album hype. and that made me insane. probably because we as humans are not built to be satisfied by the things in our life. “Vanity of vanities!” it’s in ecclesiastes. like the bible one.

chapter 5: now

anyway, that’s bad. i had (and have) let my mind convince me that i have to achieve something in order to be happy or fulfilled, when i know that that stuff will never fulfill me. i could play the biggest stadium and have the biggest song in history, but after a burst of dopamine and excitement, it would be empty. and i know that nothing here will do that. at least, that’s what i believe. my hope is outside of myself.

but that’s hard to internalize when you are so passionate about something, and have been for so long, and all you want to do is create things for other people that they can appreciate and be influenced by. but it’s probably also selfish. like i openly admit i like the idea of fame and presence. and it probably ties all the way back to wanting acknowledgement and attention as a kid, from being unpopular and ridiculed and, honestly, left by my dad. maybe i just therapied myself.

but regardless, i know i can’t put my identity in all this stuff. it’s hard, and it’s harder when you create stuff. because it’s so deeply tied to you. but it’s still not “who i am.” i know who i am and what i believe, but i’m still a mess, so i can’t enact that in my brain perfectly. in fact, far from it.

anyway. it’s late, and i’m going to post this and attempt to not worry about how it does on social media. stupid!!! i just want this out in the world for you to read. hopefully it’s helpful for you in some way. but mostly, it was just cool to write this out, for my own sake.

i’ve been blessed in some amazing ways. my family. oh, yeah i forgot that i have two kids. i love them a lot. i don’t talk about them on social media much. but they are very special to me. and we’ve always been taken care of, even when times were tight or i didn’t know when the next paycheck was coming in or i thought my wife was about to die or whatever. the Lord provided for us every time. and i am grateful to have what career i have. it may be “small” and nothing to look at by the big industry standards, but i believe in what i make so much, and i’m just grateful that anyone cares about it at all. and i will continue to do so until the day i die. because i have to.

it’s what i was born to do, for better or worse. and no one can tell me otherwise.

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wistfulcynic · 6 years

Text

Another Brick In The Wall, Chapter 10

a/n: Angst! Angst and pining and indecision. Teenagers are so dramatic.

Summary: Emma Swan, sheriff’s daughter, mayor’s niece, quarterback’s girlfriend, is the undisputed princess of Storybrooke High. She is smart and confident and used to getting what she wants. What she wants is Killian Jones, the new boy in school. But Killian is not easily manipulated, and reluctant to allow the dark secrets in his past to touch the girl he is rapidly falling in love with.

Rating: T

Tags for: @darkcolinodonorgasm @jennjenn615 @hollyethecurious and @resident-of-storybrooke @kmomof4

Chapter 10:

When they returned to school for the spring semester Killian found that his relationship with Emma had undergone a subtle change. The tension that he had carried within him since they’d met, born of his fear of discovery and his sense of having failed at life coupled with his reluctance to taint the bright, shining star that was Emma Swan by association with him had finally been released. He had nothing more to fear, nothing to weigh him down. His secret was out, he’d survived the fallout at school, and he wasn’t going to be a father. Milah was gone from his life, off to Japan. And most importantly, Emma didn’t hate him. His past didn’t disgust her. She was his friend. His friend with the potential for more.

Their interlude in the garden had reassured him that she did still want to be more but that she wouldn’t push him, would wait until he had worked through his feelings enough to take that next step. Nothing had ever meant more to him than her acceptance of him and everything that he was, her patience, and her willingness to let him set the pace. After Milah he desperately needed to feel like he had some agency in his life and relationships. That Emma understood this and wasn’t giving up on him was a treasure more precious than gold.

As the weeks passed and he became more and more comfortable in his own skin, he realised that without really thinking about it he had stopped trying to hold himself apart from his classmates or resist Emma’s naturally affectionate nature. In class he laughed and joked and teased the girls, no longer uncomfortable with the attention his innate charisma attracted. Outside of class he was nearly always with Emma, finally able to relax and enjoy how happy he felt in her company. All the little touches that she gave without thinking no longer made him anxious or upset, though they never failed to increase his heart rate or send electricity skittering across his skin. Gradually, cautiously, he began to reciprocate them, and by the time the snow had melted and spring was beginning to break over Storybrooke, his days regularly included Emma’s head on his shoulder, his fingers tangled in the ends of her hair, her nose pressed into the curve of his neck as she hugged him goodbye. She made him feel things he had never felt before, very different from what he’d felt for Milah. Noticeably different. Different enough to make him wonder if this was actually what love felt like. He thought it was, he wanted it to be, but after the disaster of Milah how could he be certain? How the devil was he supposed to know?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One afternoon in early March Killian was nearly at the door of Dr Hopper’s office, lost in contemplation, when Neal Cassidy appeared suddenly in his path.

“I see you’ve returned to the scene of your crime,” sneered Killian, though his heart really wasn’t in the taunt. He had no interest in engaging with Neal; more than anything he just wanted the bastard out of his life and of Emma’s, would be happy never to think of him again. “I guess it’s true what they say about that.”

Neal scowled, but he didn’t attempt to retaliate. Instead he shoved his hands in his pockets and shuffled his feet, looking angry but also faintly nervous.

“So, uh, can I talk to you?”

“You already are.”

“Right. Um, well I— I have to— um…”

“Look, spit it out, mate. I’m going to be late, and I’d far rather converse with Dr Hopper. At least he can form complete sentences.”

Neal’s expression darkened and clenched his fists in his pockets.

“I have a plea deal!” he burst out suddenly. “For— for stealing your records.”

“So I heard.”

Neal’s lawyer had managed to plead down to nine months in jail plus three years’ probation and a two thousand dollar fine. He’d tried for no jail time, citing Neal’s age and lack of prior offenses, but the judge had insisted on treating him as an adult due to the very specific malice of the crime. The end result was not as bad as it could have been but worse than his parents had been hoping. If he kept his nose clean Neal would probably be all right in the long run, but the whole thing was still quite a blow to his future. Killian had little sympathy.

“As part of the deal I have to apologise to you,” said Neal, glaring at his feet.

Killian snorted. “Don’t bother.”

“I have to! Fucking judge is making me. If you don’t accept it I get another two months.” He made this admission grudgingly, not wanting to acknowledge the power it gave Killian over him.

With effort, Killian held back a grin. He’d spoken to Judge Merlin before Neal’s sentencing and so knew to expect something like this, but putting that particular condition on Neal’s grovelling was pretty diabolical. “Unless it’s a genuine apology, I’m not interested,” he said, twisting the knife.

Neal shuffled his feet again, looking shifty. “It’s genuine.”

“You’re a terrible liar, you know that?” Killian almost laughed at the insulted look that crossed Neal’s face, but he wasn’t in the mood to pick a fight, and really just wanted to be done with this conversation. He opened his mouth to accept the “apology,” when Neal spoke again.

“Look, why are you being such an asshole?” he burst out. “You won. You’ve got Emma—”

Killian’s eyebrows snapped together. “‘Got’ Emma?!” he growled.

“—and you’re all popular now.” Neal scowled, seeming more put out by the second thing than the first.

Killian however was still caught up on the first. “I haven’t ‘got’ Emma,” he said indignantly.

“Come on, man, I saw you two at Granny’s last week looking pretty cosy,” sneered Neal. “I’d say the best man won, but, well…” he smirked snidely.

Killian shook his head, too appalled to respond to the taunt. “Is that really how you see this?” he asked. “Emma’s just a prize to be won?”

“You’re the one who called her the princess of Storybrooke. Of course she’s a prize. Look what she did for you. Do you really think you’d be anything without her?”

“This is one hell of an apology you’re making,” said Killian drily. “The sincerity is just shining through.”

Neal rolled his eyes and sighed. “What do you want from me, man?”

“Not a thing,” replied Killian decisively. “I never did. If you had just left me alone none of this would have happened. Emma and I have never been anything but friends. But all you could see was someone ‘stealing’ your girlfriend. You only ever saw her as your possession, the prettiest cheerleader, the girl everyone wants. The one who would make people envy you, because she was ‘yours’. Only Emma is not yours, and she never was. She’s her own person, a brilliant, strong, incredible person. And she’ll never belong to anyone but herself.”

Neal was staring at him, mouth agape. “You in love with her or something?” he taunted, the corner of his lips curling into a sneer.

Killian squared his shoulders and raised himself to his full height.“What if I am?” he asked, meeting Neal’s gaze, challenge glinting in his eyes, daring the other boy to make something of it.

Neal dropped his eyes and shrugged. “Nothing, I guess. It’s nothing to me.”

“Good. You can tell the judge that I accept your spurious apology, and now kindly fuck off.” Killian smirked at Neal’s confused expression. He clearly didn’t know what “spurious” meant but Judge Merlin would, and Killian suspected he’d get a kick out of it. Holding the smirk on his face he started walking again, straight towards Neal, forcing the other boy to step aside so he could pass.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That Sunday Killian hung back after fencing club, waiting until all the others had left and David had gathered all the equipment. Emma was away, having a spa weekend with her mother to celebrate Snow’s 45th birthday, and for once he was glad she wasn’t around. He needed a private word with David.

“Can I talk to you about something, Sheriff Swan?” he asked tentatively, desperate for David’s advice but fearful of overstepping with Emma’s father.

“Sure, Killian, what’s on your mind?” David smiled warmly and Killian relaxed.

“Would you mind if I walked out with you? It’s kind of a long question.”

David gave him a probing look, then nodded. It was clear to him that Killian was struggling with something. “Why don’t I give you a lift home?” he offered. “I know Emma usually does, so it’ll save you the walk since she’s not here.”

Killian smiled. “Thanks.”

They walked in silence to David’s truck, Killian clearly thinking hard about what he wanted to say, and it wasn’t until they had pulled out of the school parking lot and onto the main street that he finally spoke.

“How do you know when you’re in love?”

David nearly swallowed his tongue. “Um,” he said. “That’s— uh, that’s a big question. Are you sure you want to be talking with me about this? What about your brother, or Dr Hopper?”

“Dr Hopper’s always been single, and Liam’s only recently removed his head from his ars— er, asked Miss French out. But Emma told me you and Mrs Swan have been together since you were sixteen. That’s nearly thirty years” —David winced— “so I think if anyone in Storybrooke can speak on this subject it’s you.” He looked imploringly at David. “So how do you know?”

David sighed. “Well, I won’t pretend it’s not a bit awkward to be discussing my daughter this way—“ he paused as a wild thought hit him. “We are talking about Emma, aren’t we?”

“We are definitely talking about Emma,” Killian replied, and David’s lips twitched at the certainty in his voice. He suspected Killian already knew the answer to his question, he just needed some reassurance.

“Yeah, I don’t really want to know the details about that, but I can tell you how I knew I was in love with Snow.”

“If you don’t mind, that’s what I’d really like to hear.”

“It was our last year of high school,” said David, smiling at the memory. “We’d been dating for two years at that point, and I was pretty sure I loved her but I was worried because we were planning to go to different colleges and I wasn’t sure we’d make it long distance. Snow was— well, she was stunning. Bold and bright and beautiful.”

Killian nodded in understanding. “Like her daughter,” he said softly.

“Like her daughter,” David agreed. “Snow was going to Columbia, and I was sure she’d be swept off her feet there by some rich New York City asshole.” Killian’s eyes widened slightly at his language and David chuckled. “Then one day I came home from baseball practice and discovered that my house had been broken into,” he continued. “They took our TV and our stereo, all of that, but more importantly they took my mother’s jewelry bag, which contained her wedding ring. The ring she’d always told me would be mine one day, to give to my bride. Well you can imagine how upset I was. I went to call the police but just as I was picking up the phone it started ringing. It was Snow. She said she’d seen the burglars leaving my house —she lived just across the street— and she’d followed them. She told me where they’d taken our things, and—” he paused, grinning to himself, “—well, let’s just say we managed to get in and get my mom’s ring back. We called the police for all the other stuff, but the ring was what was important. When we got back to my house Snow asked to see the ring, and jokingly put it on. As soon as I saw it on her finger, I just knew. I knew that any girl whose first instinct on seeing a burglary wasn’t to call the cops but to follow the burglars, anyone who could lead me on an adventure to rescue my ring, that was a girl I wanted to spend my life with. And I knew that she’d always have my back, no matter how many rich assholes she met in New York.”

“So to answer your question, Killian,” he said, suddenly serious and conscious of the vital import of the advice he was giving, “I think there are many different kinds of love. I think it’s possible for people to love many times in their lives and to fall out of it just as they fall in, and I believe it’s possible to find the love of your life when you’re sixteen. But if you’re asking me how to know when love will last, and I do think that is what you’re asking, I don’t believe that there’s a— a rubric for that. I think you just know. When you can’t imagine your future without that person; when you know that you’ll be able to survive being separated from them by school or work or life because your bond is strong enough to hold even over long distances but when being with them is what makes you feel strong and whole, and happy even when you’re sad; when they’re the first person you turn to for support but you’re still prepared to put their needs before your own and sacrifice whatever is necessary for them, that’s love that will last. That’s love that can survive anything.”

David glanced over at Killian, who was staring out the window with a thoughtful expression on his face. He didn’t want to push or overly influence the boy, knowing that any decisions about his future had to be his alone, yet David couldn’t suppress the feeling that he was looking at his future son-in-law. Because Killian was right: David did know what true love looked like, even in its infancy, and it looked like Emma and Killian. It looked like his confident, self-assured, (and yes, he’d admit it) slightly spoiled daughter learning to put another person’s needs and wishes before her own, and doing it gladly because she wanted what was best for him more than her own happiness. It looked like this defensive, traumatised boy facing down his demons and learning to open up again for her sake, so that he could be capable of offering the love he felt she deserved. It looked like him taking the risk of speaking to her father, to be sure that what he felt was real.

David hadn’t missed the sadness that had lain beneath Emma’s habitual bright demeanor ever since the Christmas party, the fear that Killian would never return her love. But although his heart hurt for his baby girl, David wasn’t worried. He believed that true loves always found each other, no matter what obstacles lay between them. These two would work things out.

He pulled up in front of the Jones house and put the truck into park before turning to face Killian, who was still sitting unmoving in the passenger seat. “I hope I was able to help,” he said, “At least a little bit.”

“You did,” replied Killian, picking up his bag and opening the door. “Thank you for telling me that story, I know it’s really none of my business.”

It’s our family lore, David wanted to tell him, and you’re family. Maybe not yet, but you will be.

Instead he simply said, “You’re welcome,” biting back the “son,” before it could slip past his guard. Killian smiled and nodded, then turned and shut the door behind him. David waited until he had entered the house before starting the truck up again and driving off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the end of March their AP US History teacher announced that over the next two months they would spend two days a week working on a major research project that would constitute 50% of their final grade. And it would be a pair project. That they would be expected to work on outside of class as well. Amid the groans and whines of their classmates, Emma and Killian locked eyes across the classroom, silently agreeing to be partners. This hellish sounding project might become something actually enjoyable if they worked together, they thought.

Their plans were dashed a moment later by the teacher, who counted off the rows of desks 1-2, 1-2, then informed everyone in row 1 to look to their left and everyone in row 2 to look to their right. “The person you’re looking at is your partner,” the teacher declared. “I don’t want any squabbling or bickering about choosing partners, so I’m choosing them for you. No arguments.”

Emma was barely even dismayed to learn that she would be working with Walsh, a skinny junior she knew for a fact had a massive crush on her —he spent quite a lot of class time drawing creepy pictures of her in his notebook— and who was looking like all his Christmases had come at once. She was far too busy being devastated to observe that Killian’s partner was Aurora. Aurora who clearly didn’t share her dismay, but was smiling brilliantly at Killian and already taking out her phone to exchange contact details with him. Killian, she noted, didn’t look particularly upset either, smiling as he gave Aurora his phone number. Absently, she took Walsh’s number and told him not to call her, she’d call him. She spent the rest of the period poring over the assignment instructions and figuring out how to divide the work so she’d have to spend as little time with him as possible, while determinedly not looking at Killian and Aurora.

She was more successful with the first task than the second.

They looked to be having a great time together.

Her next class was in the opposite direction to Killian’s, so they normally only exchanged a word or two before heading on their respective ways. Today Aurora followed at Killian’s elbow as he left the classroom, chatting brightly about ideas for their project and what times they could get together to work on it.

Killian waved to Emma as they passed, rolling his eyes over Aurora’s head and making a “blah blah” gesture with his hand. “She won’t shut up,” he mouthed, and Emma nodded in agreement, her earlier jealousy appeased somewhat.

“Text me later,” she mouthed back, and he nodded, winking at her in that way that always set her butterflies to waltzing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two weeks later, weeks during which Emma’s library lunchtimes with Killian had been routinely invaded by an Aurora who was suddenly more interested in doing homework than she had ever been before in her life, Emma was rounding the corner of the school building heading for the parking lot when she spotted Aurora and Killian a few feet away, deep in conversation. She stopped abruptly, wondering if she should interrupt. She had to go spend an hour with Walsh at Granny’s to work on their project, but she’d arranged for Killian to meet her there exactly when the hour was up, to make sure that Walsh didn’t try to extend the agreed upon time as he’d done at every other project meeting they’d had. It made sense that Killian would spend the hour before meeting her working with Aurora, yet somehow this discussion they were having seemed… different. Not school related.

Emma was torn. She trusted Killian, completely, and with her head she had no reason to believe that he had any interest in Aurora. He treated her exactly the same way he treated every other girl, warm and teasing, making them laugh, but Emma knew him well enough to see the way he used his charm to keep them at a safe distance away. When Killian was being completely himself he was intense and earnest, revealing the full depth of his brilliant mind and sensitive emotions. Emma was certain he could never open himself up that much to Aurora, about whom he made frequent and pointed remarks regarding her minimal intelligence and tendency to chatter inanely and ceaselessly. “She makes my head hurt,” he’d said just the day before, collapsing next to Emma in their booth at Granny’s and dropping the head in question into his hands, allowing her to rub the tension from his neck and shoulders.

And yet there was something about Aurora’s manner, about the way she always seemed to be alluding to things she and Killian had talked about or done outside of school —how much time were they spending on this project, Emma wondered— and the way she never missed an opportunity to touch him, the way he never objected or seemed upset by her hand on his arm or shoulder, the way he leaned his head close to hers when they worked, that planted a tiny, niggling seed of doubt in Emma’s heart that she could not stamp out or uproot, no matter how much logic she applied.

After all, Killian still didn’t seem to want to take things any further with her. Maybe he really did just see her as a friend. An intimate friend, his best friend, surely, but still just a friend. Maybe Aurora, even with all her chatter, was simply more his type. Maybe he found ways to shut her up. Emma’s whole body cringed at that thought. She didn’t believe it, knew it couldn’t be true, but the tiny pinprick of doubt still persisted.

It pricked her sharply now as she stood watching them, wondering what to do, then turned abruptly into a sword and slashed her chest open when Aurora threw her arms around Killian’s neck and kissed him.

Emma stood for a moment, frozen in shock, then forced herself back around the corner on legs that were barely functional, stumbling as they buckled under her and landing hard against the wall, scraping her hand and arm in the process. She pressed her cheek into the abrasive cold of the brick, gasping for the air that had been sucked from her lungs, blinded by tears and immobilised by agony. Desperately she tried to catch her breath, to hold in her sobs, not wanting anyone to hear her cry, wanting only to get away, to find someplace private where she could pull herself together and lick her wounds alone. The idea of anyone seeing her, wanting to know what was wrong, made her chest tighten in panic. She knew she wouldn’t be able to bear any sympathy or concern, wouldn’t even be able to tell anyone why she was so upset. Not even her father, who’d always been her closest confidant. This hurt went too deep to talk about.

She began to run in the opposite direction, back into the school building, heading for the cafeteria and its side door, praying it would still be unlocked. She raced through the halls, ignoring the curious looks from the few students who still remained, ignoring the shouts from her psychology teacher not to run in the halls. Arriving at the cafeteria door she wrenched it open and raced across the small outdoor lunch area, through the gap in the chain link fence separating it from the parking lot and towards her car. She didn’t look over to where Killian and Aurora might still be standing, just visible from where her car was parked, instead pulling open the door and throwing herself onto the back seat. She slammed the door behind her and locked it then curled herself into a tight ball and wept, sobbing out her unrequited love, her dashed hopes, her broken heart.

Twenty minutes later she was limp and exhausted, her eyes swollen and her throat raw, with no more tears left to cry. Dimly she registered that her phone was buzzing and had been for a solid five minutes. Mustering her strength, she glanced at the screen and would have rolled her eyes if they hadn’t ached so badly. Fifteen messages from Walsh, asking where she was. Practically one per minute. Not feeling well, she texted him. Sorry.

Killian would be expecting her at Granny’s as well, she remembered. Part of her wanted badly to see him, a small part that was still hoping that she’d misunderstood, despite the image burned into the back of her eyelids of Aurora in Killian’s arms, her lips on his, but she knew that she couldn’t. She was too delicate, too raw. She needed time to process, to adjust, to figure out how the hell she was going to survive seeing them together, the girl she despised and the boy she loved. Her fingers trembled as she opened her WhatsApp chat with Killian and tapped on the picture he’d sent her just last night. A selfie he’d taken of the two of them at the docks preparing for the sailing trip they’d taken last Saturday. His chin was resting on her head, his arm wrapped around her shoulders, her hands curved around his wrist and forearm. They were both grinning like fools.

They looked so happy.

This was a test of her resolve, Emma realised. She’d promised herself that she would be Killian’s friend no matter what, even if their relationship could never be more than that, and she knew that if she truly loved him she had to keep that promise. Even though she wanted nothing more than to run, to protect herself from the pain of seeing him with Aurora, of knowing that her love was not returned. At least not in the way she wanted.

She couldn’t handle seeing him, not today. Maybe not for a while. Forcing her fingers to cooperate, she typed out a message.

Hey, I’m not feeling well, can we do Granny’s another time?

His reply came almost instantly. Sure, love. Are you okay?

Moisture welled behind her eyes and she almost laughed. Apparently she did still have more tears to cry. Fine, just a headache, she texted back. I’ll see you tomorrow.

It was the first lie she’d ever told him.

#cs ff au #teenage captain swan #high school au #angst #angsty angst #another brick in the wall #profdanglaisstuff #captain charming #David is much better when he actually gets to be the wise father figure he always thought he was

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sheridan-harper-blog1 · 6 years

Text

HW 2

1. Spiritual

definition: relating to or affecting the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things. relating to religion or religious belief.

synonyms: Non-material, psychological, religious, churchly, devotional

origin: 1300, "of or concerning the spirit" (especially in religious aspects), from Old French spirituel, esperituel (12c.) or directly from a Medieval Latin ecclesiastical use of Latin spiritualis "of or pertaining to breath, breathing, wind, or air; pertaining to spirit," from spiritus "of breathing, of the spirit" (see spirit (n.)). Meaning "of or concerning the church" is attested from mid-14c. Related: Spiritually. An Old English word for "spiritual" was godcundlic.

2. Romanticist

definition: a person who subscribes to the artistic movement or ideas of romanticism.

synonyms: Idealist, dreamer, visionary, sentimaentalist

origin: 1650s, "of the nature of a literary romance," from French romantique, from Middle French romant "a romance," oblique case of Old French romanz "verse narrative" (see romance(n.)).As a literary style, opposed to classical since before 1812; in music, from 1885. Meaning "characteristic of an ideal love affair" (such as usually formed the subject of literary romances) is from 1660s. Meaning "having a love affair as a theme" is from 1960. Related: Romantical (1670s); romantically. Compare romanticism.

3. Genuine

definition: truly what something is said to be;

synonyms: authentic. (of a person, emotion, or action) sincere, honest, true.

origin: 1590s, "natural, not acquired," from Latin genuinus "native, natural, innate," from root of gignere "to beget, produce" (from PIE root *gene- "give birth, beget"), perhaps influenced in form by contrasting adulterinus "spurious." [Alternative etymology is from Latin genu"knee," from a supposed ancient custom of a father acknowledging paternity of a newborn by placing it on his knee.] Meaning "really proceeding from its reputed source" is from 1660s. Related: Genuinely; genuineness.

4. Vivacious

definition: lively and animated.

synonyms: Spirited, vibraint, bubbly, animated, carefree, lighthearted

origin: 1640s, from Latin vivax (genitive vivacis) "lively, vigorous" (from PIE root *gwei- "to live") + -ous. Related: Vivaciously.

5. Amiable

definition: having or displaying a friendly and pleasant manner.

synonyms: Friendly, affable, amicable, cordial

origin: late 14c., "kindly, friendly," also "worthy of love or admiration," from Old French amiable"pleasant, kind; worthy to be loved" (12c.), from Late Latin amicabilis "friendly," from Latin amicus "friend, loved one," noun use of an adjective, "friendly, loving," from amare"to love" (see Amy).

6. Passionate

definition: showing or caused by strong feelings or a strong belief.

synonyms: Impassioned, fervent, sealous, fiery, emotional, heartfelt, wild.

origin: early 15c., "angry; emotional," from Medieval Latin passionatus "affected with passion," from Latin passio (genitive passionis) "passion" (see passion). Specific sense of "amorous" is attested from 1580s. Related: Passionately.

7. Contemplative

definition: expressing or involving prolonged thought

synonyms: Thoughtful, reflective, introspective, studious, meditative

origin: mid-14c., "devoted to (sacred) contemplation, devout," from Old French contemplatif (12c.) and directly from Latin contemplativus "speculative, theoretical," formed (after Greek theoretikos) from contemplat-, past-participle stem of contemplari "to gaze attentively, observe; consider, contemplate" (see contemplate). Meaning "given to continued and absorbed reflection" is from late 15c. Related: Contemplatively.

8. Gentle

definition: having or showing a mild, kind, or tender temperament or character. moderate in action, effect, or degree; not harsh or severe.

synonyms: Kind, forgiving, sympathetic, considerate, compassionate, benevolent, good-natured, sweet-tempered, loving

origin: early 13c., gentile, gentle "well-born, of noble rank or family," from Old French gentil/jentil"high-born, worthy, noble, of good family; courageous, valiant; fine, good, fair" (11c., in Modern French "nice, graceful, pleasing; fine, pretty") and directly from Latin gentilis "of the same family or clan," in Medieval Latin "of noble or good birth," from gens (genitive gentis) "race, clan," from root of gignere "beget," from PIE root *gene- "to give birth, beget," from PIE root *gene- "give birth, beget," with derivatives referring to procreation and familial and tribal groups. Sense evolved in English and French to "having the character or manners of one of noble rank or birth," varying according to how those were defined. From mid-13c. in English as "gracious, kind" (now obsolete), manners prescribed for Christian or chivalrous nobility. From late 13c. as "courteous, polite, well-bred, charming;" c. 1300 as "graceful, beautiful." Meaning "mild, tender; easy; not harsh" (of animals, things, persons) is from 1550s. Older sense remains in gentleman, and compare gentile (adj.), an alternative form which tends to keep the Biblical senses of the Latin word (though gentle in Middle English sometimes meant "pagan, heathen"), and genteel, which is the same word borrowed again from French. From 1823 as "pertaining to the fairies."

9. Resourceful

definition: having the ability to find quick and clever ways to overcome difficulties.

synonyms: imaginative, inventive, creative

origin: 1610s, "means of supplying a want or deficiency," from French resourse "a source, spring," noun use of fem. past participle of Old French resourdre "to rally, raise again," from Latin resurgere "rise again" (see resurgent). Resources "a country's wealth" first recorded 1779.

10. Imaginative

definition: having or showing creativity or inventiveness.

synonyms: Creative, visionary, inspired, enterprising, inventive

origin: late 14c., ymaginatyf, "pertaining to imagination; forming images, given to imagining," from Old French imaginatif and directly from Medieval Latin imaginativus, from imaginat-, stem of Latin imaginari "picture to oneself" (see imagine). Meaning "resulting from imagination" is from 1829. Related: Imaginatively; imaginativeness.

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tallmantall · 2 years

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#JamesDonaldson On #MentalHealth – We Need To Talk About #ClimateChange And #Suicide

The data we have suggests a connection—and the problem may be growing An orange glow hangs over San Francisco during the 2020 wildfire season. Could #climatechange, of all things, finally force #Americans to rethink #suicideprevention? Of the top 10 causes of death in the #UnitedStates, #suicide remains stigmatized among the masses and, even among scholars, poorly understood. The U.S. has largely failed to stem the rising tide: Between 1999 and 2019, #suicide rates increased by about 33 percent overall, according to the #CentersforDiseaseControl. Among youth ages 10 to 24, that figure is almost twice as high. At the end of another year defined by deaths of despair, what has commonly been considered an individual act—and, accordingly, met with solutions of a similar scope—has become an ever-more-obvious public health issue in desperate need of a new approach. Together, decades of statistical analysis of suicides in the aggregate and “psychological autopsies” of the individual dead suggest that #suicide is linked to dozens of risk factors, including genetic predisposition; #mentalillness (but not always); personal, social, or financial problems; and trauma. There’s a longstanding debate about whether environmental changes should be added to the list, too. Since at least the nineteenth century, social scientists have observed that suicides seem more common as spring gives way to summer—and, just as often, dismissed them as spurious. In recent years, however, researchers have begun to reevaluate the role played by heat, air quality, and the existential despair of climate change, too. Turns out, they’re linked in ways few ever imagined. The latest wave of research on the climate-#suicide link started more or less with a 2018 paper co-authored by economist Marshall Burke, principal investigator at Stanford’s Environmental Change and Human Outcomes Lab. Researchers evaluated the impact of local ambient temperature on the rates of #suicide in the recent past and projected it forward into a climate-changed future. When controlling for numerous factors, including regional poverty, gun ownership rates, and abrupt shocks like celebrity suicides, data suggest that unmitigated global warming could contribute to ??as many as 40,000 excess suicides by 2050 in the U.S. and Mexico alone. Crucially, this relationship between heat and #suicide appears to be “stable across time, baseline climate, air conditioning penetration rates, accessibility of #mentalhealthservices, and other factors,” according to Jamie T. Mullins and Corey White, who reported similar results in 2019, calling into question whether adaptation will be possible. Despite centuries of theorizing, much about the mechanism connecting #suicide with heat and humidity (which may be an even more direct risk factor) remains unknown. Researchers are exploring several possible biological explanations, including disrupted sleep and neurotransmitters, which play a role in both thermoregulation and emotions, says psychiatrist Elizabeth Haase. But downstream social and economic consequences are likely also at play. In India and Australia, for example, rising temperatures have already contributed to drought and resulting crop failure, which appears to have made many farmers and others in intimate relationships with the landscape increasingly vulnerable to #suicide. Other environmental factors are also receiving new scrutiny. A growing body of evidence has shown that poor air quality—driven by emissions from fossil fuels, ozone production, and fires—is associated with an increased risk of #suicide on the order of 1 to 2 percent per day of exposure, says Caroline Dumont, an assistant professor of clinical psychiatry at Yale School of Medicine and the co-author of a recent paper on #climatechange and the risk of completed #suicide. At this point, the existing studies on the topic have primarily been attempts to establish a correlation between #suicide and air pollution, so other factors may be at play. But Dumont thinks there could be a causal relationship between the two: Upon entering the body, microscopic soot can not only trigger inflammation in the lungs (asthma) and heart (cardiovascular disease), but also in the brain—with the potential for similarly sickening consequences. Even less is understood about the #psychological impact of the existential threat presented by #climatechange. It’s clear that accepting that the Earth is imperiled—and that, at least in the U.S., our lifestyles play a significant role—is difficult. Doing something about it is even harder. Furthermore, while rising atmospheric carbon from any source would be terrifying on its own, anthropogenic #climatechange—and the implied personal culpability—can stir up a potent cocktail of anxiety, anger, shame, and ennui. At times, the resulting conversation can feel eerily reminiscent of the early centuries of Christianity, when believers felt that “the longer one’s life, the more opportunity there was to sin and the less chance of eternal bliss,” writes journalist George Howe Colt in November of the Soul: The Enigma of #Suicide, his 600-odd-page cross-cultural history of #suicide and euthanasia. “#Suicide—in the form of martyrdom—became the quickest way to heaven.” This is a pretty awful notion to consider—#suicide as the last best hope for virtue. When put in these terms, no respectable person would endorse it today. Yet the troubling climate equivalent of this line of thinking—the shorter your life, the fewer emissions you produce—is implicit in everything from the early #pandemic-era “we are the #virus” refrain to the “soft Malthusianism” periodically pushed by major news outlets. When consumers are told they are equally to blame for the climate crisis (a narrative conveniently crafted by the fossil fuel industry) but face a dearth of options for actually leading a more climate-friendly life, it’s all too easy to convince people to feel guilty merely for living. The market says there’s a fix for that, too: At least one carbon offset company is now encouraging customers to pay penance not only for their holiday travel, but for their very breathing (which, by the way, is already carbon neutral). #James Donaldson notes: Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes. Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use. Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space. #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book, #CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy http://www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com But the scientific evidence linking climate change’s existential perils to #mentalillness and #suicide is effectively non existent, even as eco-#anxiety has become something of a household term. Once again the problem is structural: #American #psychologists and #psychiatrists do not routinely ask clients whether they feel their #mentalhealthissues are spurred on by climate change. Furthermore, the accounts of people who die by suicide are reflexively distrusted, even if they explicitly name environmental issues as a source of their distress. On a sunny Saturday morning in April 2018, David Buckel, a 60-year-old #LGBTQ rights lawyer and community composter, set himself on fire in Brooklyn’s Prospect Park. “My early death by fossil fuel reflects what we are doing to ourselves,” he wrote in his #suicide note, which he had emailed to loved ones and journalists just minutes earlier. Buckel’s death put his family and other would-be supporters in a bind: They “didn’t want to ignore the deep personal desperation they believe influenced his decision,” J. Oliver Conroy wrote in The Guardian a year later, “but they also didn’t want to detract from his dedication to causes that meant a lot to him.” What was explicitly intended as a call to political action became a mere personal tragedy. Of course, “climate can be a toxic dump for everything that bothers you,” says #psychiatrist Lise Van Susteren, co-founder of the Climate Psychiatry and Climate Psychology Alliance. Even so, Van Susteren believes that #mentalhealthissues and, yes, #suicide are connected to #climatechange. “It’s always a complex situation,” she says, “but here’s the thing, my dashboard, the lights are all blinking red on this.” Youth seem especially psychologically vulnerable to these accelerating shifts—in particular the inaction of older generations that underlies them. In a recent survey of 10,000 people ages 16 to 25, 56 percent agreed with the statement that humanity is doomed, and many reported believing that they have no future. Even so, they feel a responsibility to act: 37 percent of young #Americans say climate change is their top personal concern, according to the Pew Research Center. When it comes to a topic as sensitive as #suicide, holding faulty narratives up to the light is tricky. Public figures, including many journalists, are often reluctant to discuss individual #suicides, which can spark contagion and create copycats. By connecting #suicide to root causes like climate change, for example, “there’s the danger that it serves as a rationale,” Van Susteren says (it shouldn’t). At the same time, #suicide in the aggregate has been co-opted by politicians and diplomats around the world, many of whom use #suicide as an analogy for climate inaction: It’s a “suicidal war with nature,” argues the Secretary General of the United Nations António Guterres; a “global #suicide pact,” per U.S. Special Presidential Envoy for Climate John Kerry; and “a formula for collective #suicide,” according to the author Amitav Ghosh in The Great Derangement. In truth, #climatechange may be much better understood as mass murder—coincidentally, another form of violence linked to the weather. In the new movie, Don’t Look Up, writer-director Adam McKay creates a #climatechange parable out of a fictional asteroid hurtling toward Earth. Spoiler: Denial, inaction, and greed prevail, and the film ends with everyone dying, except for the politicians and tech CEOs who impeded action in the first place. These privileged few hitch a ride aboard a spaceship, safely ensconced in cryogenic chambers for the 22,000-year trip to the nearest Earth-like planet. While it may seem farcical, it’s that vision—of damnation for most, and life for the most undeserving few—that feels closer to the world we live in than a “suicidal war with nature.” Even in the #UnitedStates, the land of red meat and conspiracy theories, the majority of people believe their government should do more to act on climate, yet fossil fuel executives and their political allies continue to make sure it won’t. So where, exactly, does the responsibility lay? Unfortunately, #American society contains numerous examples of this sort of structural malevolence, wherein individuals are asked to shoulder the burden of problems caused by interlocking, and largely invisible, corporate interests. While it’s worth reiterating that the circumstances of every #suicide are unique to the individual, our context is shared, and that context is often unbelievably bleak. To take just two instructive numbers, consider that 28 million #Americans currently lack health care, while 132 million have a firearm in their home. In the U.S., the logic of #suicideprevention often says, limit opportunities among those who already want to die (locking up firearms) first, and consider making life more liveable (affordable, comprehensible health care for all) second. As a result, even interventions that appear structural, like the act that will make 9-8-8 the nationwide #mentalhealthcrisis and #suicideprevention number by July 2022, often fall short of the radical vision required to save lives. That may be changing. Right now, evidence is mounting that the supposedly paradoxical decline in suicides in 2020—a year of unprecedented #stress and #isolation due to the #Covid-19 #pandemic—was due in part to many #Americans receiving an influx of cash in the form of government assistance. In the case of #climatechange, scientists will always call for more data, but the link between a warming world and rising #suicide rates is already clear enough to demand action. In addition to providing care in a crisis, psychotherapists and #psychiatrists should be leading the way to a carbon-zero future. “If we don’t take the lead on answering these questions, then we will suffer the consequences,” Van Susteren says. People don’t just need Better Help; they need a better world. The #NationalSuicidePreventionLifeline is a hotline for individuals in crisis or for those looking to help someone else. To speak with a certified listener, call 1-800-273-8255. Eleanor Cummins @elliepses Eleanor Cummins is a freelance science journalist based in New York. Read the full article

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romancatholicreflections · 6 years

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28th August >> Daily Reflection/Commentary on Today’s First Reading for Roman Catholics on Tuesday of the Twenty-First Week in Ordinary Time (2 Thessalonians 2:1-3, 14-16).

The coming of the Lord and the prelude to it.

In the First Letter to the Thessalonians (the earliest extant letter of Paul that we have) Paul seemed to be saying that the second and final coming of the Lord was imminent although he was careful not to specify a particular time.

Apparently replying to further questions, Paul (or the actual author) in this second letter does not repeat all that was said in the first letter about what would happen to the living and the dead. What is being written here is supplementary to Paul’s oral teaching and the instructions contained in the earlier letter. All he is concerned with is to emphasise that the coming is not imminent, and that it cannot take place till certain specific signs have preceded it.

Although the Second Coming is a major theme of this letter, Paul (or the author of the letter) warns the Christians not to “be shaken out of their minds” or alarmed by predictions (false prophecies) or rumours or spurious letters supposed to have come from him suggesting that the “day of the Lord” is already on them.

“Shaken out of their minds” translates a verb often used of a ship adrift from its moorings and suggests a lack of stability. Here it suggests a kind of panic at the supposed imminence of the Lord’s coming. The Christians are not to be deceived by such false alarms.

The expression “the day of the Lord” comes originally from the prophet Amos (5:18). In the Old Testament it is a time when God will come and intervene with judgement and/or blessing. In the New Testament the thought of judgement continues, but it is also the ‘day of redemption’, the ‘day of God’, or of Christ, and the ‘last day‘, the ‘great day’ or simply ‘the day‘. It is the climax of all things. There will be some preliminary signs but the coming will be as unexpected as that of “a thief in the night”.

In the second and final part of the reading, the author reminds the Christians to focus on the Gospel which has been preached to them and which has as its final purpose a sharing in the glory of Jesus Christ as Lord.

Jesus “has called you through our gospel”. “Our” gospel, that is, the gospel preached by Paul, Silas and Timothy and that they themselves had received by faith. It is, of course, first of all God the Father’s because it originates from him, and Christ’s because it springs from his sacrificial death.

Let them forget about worrying when this sharing in glory will actually take place and concentrate on living out the “traditions”, i.e., the teachings which they had received from Paul and the other apostles, either orally or in writing. This refers to what Paul taught them when he was in Thessalonika. What he had written to them since he returned from there, include, in the message of the Good News, the principles on which a Christian should lead his life.

Until the New Testament took its final form, essential Christian teaching was passed on in the “traditions” (a word which comes from the Latin ‘to hand on‘ or ‘hand over’), just as rabbinic law was and it could be either oral or written. The four gospels which we have now are basically built up from such written and oral ‘traditions’.

The passage ends with a lovely Pauline prayer, very similar to one in the same place in the first letter and which also includes the words ‘encourage’ and ‘strengthen’ (1 Thess 3:11-13). The prayer is for inner strength that will produce results in both action and speech.

It is a prayer we could say often for each other and for all those we know and love (or find it difficult to love):

May our Lord Jesus Christ himself,

and God our Father who has given us his love

and, through his grace, such inexhaustible comfort

and such sure hope,

comfort you and strengthen you

in everything good that you do or say.

At every age in the Church’s history, including our own, there are people who are convinced that the end of the world is “nigh” and that Christ is coming in Judgement at any moment. Certain key periods, such as the end of a century or, even more, the end of a millennium, produces a veritable rash of such warnings. So far, they have never proved accurate.

We would be better off listening to the advice of today’s letter and focus our energies on living out the Gospel each day in truth and love. This is the best possible preparation we can make for that time which will come “like a thief in the night”.

And, as has been said more than once in these reflections, a much more realistic end for us to consider is that of our own life than that of the universe or our planet. In either case, however, the recommended advice is the same: live the Gospel day in and day out and the rest will take care of itself.

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jouissanccs · 4 years

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– No. Not forgive. Not exactly. I don’t remember the word. And during the fever you said Amsel was near enough the truth. Not ‘forgive.’ He had never said that word to Asher on the journey from São Paulo. He had said ‘become spurious like a child’s tantrum.’ That was the trap of his life in Paris. His hatred and the memories which made up the substance of his life were being nudged away. One by one the words in his mouth were beginning to drift into the future tense. A man whose child has been burnt alive, whose wife has led another of his children into the gas, should use the future tense sparingly. Only to harry time, to make it ripen into vengeance. In Paris it had ripened into books and garlic cheese and the silver skein of cufflink. That was why Benasseraf decamped and sought out Lieber.

— George Steiner, The Portage to San Cristobal of A.H., Granta 2: The Portage to San Cristobal of A.H. (Spring 1980)

#犀利 #空论

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freelanews-blog · 6 years

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PDP accuses Fayemi of planning to frustrate Atiku’s campaign

Ado-Ekiti—The Peoples Democratic Party, PDP, in Ekiti State, yesterday, accused the All Progressives Congress, APC-led government of Dr. Kayode Fayemi of frustrating the party over its refusal to approve its request for a venue for the party’s presidential campaign rally. Atiku ‘s campaign train is expected to storm Ekiti on January 14 to canvass for votes ahead of the February 16 election. Addressing newsmen in Ado Ekiti, the PDP State Chairman,Mr. Gboyega Oguntuase said it was wrong for Fayemi to have refused the party the use of Oluyemi Kayode stadium as a venue for the campaign. Oguntuase said: “This is a disrespect to PDP and the person of Alhaji Atiku. If the government fails to accede to our request, we will have no option than to use any major road in the state capital as campaign ground. “Atiku cannot be stopped by any political juvenile. If you look at the violent inclination of the party in Akwa Ibom, Rivers, Lagos and others, you will see that tAPC has no respect for human lives.” The government had in its reply dated January 8, 2019 and signed by Director, Administration and Supplies, Ekiti Sate Sports Council, on behalf of the General Manager, Mr. P. A Akinola held that the stadium was ”under reconstruction and that it has to be prevented from vehicular movement at this time.” Allegation spurious — Fayemi But Fayemi described the allegation as misdirected and spurious, saying the civil servants only replied to the letter based on the prevailing situation and that he never influenced their opinions in the matter as a governor who believes in due process in the civil service. Fayemi, through his Senior Special Assistant on Public Communications, Segun Dipe said: “When we came on board, virtually all the facilities are in a state of disrepair. The Ikogosi warm spring, the Fountain hotel and this stadium are some of them. “As a responsible government, we must take steps to put them back to normal shape and Fayemi won’t infringe on the right of anyone as a democrat.” Even, the PDP didn’t request for the facility through the governor and it was wrong for them to have blamed him in the first instance.” The letter reads: “I have been directed to refer to your letter received in January 2 requesting the use of Oluyemi Kayode Stadium for your presidential campaign. “However, there was need to let you know that the stadium is under repair in preparation for the next football season and wetting. The tracks need to be prevented from vehicular movement and for this reason, we decline the use of this facility.” Read the full article

#Atikucampaign #KayodeFayemi #PDP

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didanawisgi · 7 years

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The Cross and the Crucifixion

“ONE of the most interesting legends concerning the cross is that preserved in Aurea Legenda, by Jacobus de Vorgaine. The Story is to the effect that Adam, feeling the end of his life was near, entreated his son Seth to make a pilgrimage to the Garden of Eden and secure from the angel on guard at the entrance the Oil of Mercy which God had promised mankind. Seth did not know the way; but his father told him it was in an eastward direction, and the path would be easy to follow, for when Adam and Eve were banished from the Garden of the Lord, upon the path which their feet had trod the grass had never grown.

Seth, following the directions of his father, discovered the Garden of Eden without difficulty. The angel who guarded the gate permitted him to enter, and in the midst of the garden Seth beheld a great tree, the branches of which reached up to heaven. The tree was in the form of a cross, and stood on the brink of a precipice which led downward into the depths of hell. Among the roots of the tree he saw the body of his brother Cain, held prisoner by the entwining limbs. The angel refused to give Seth the Oil of Mercy, but presented him instead with three seeds from the Tree of Life (some say the Tree of Knowledge). With these Seth returned to his father, who was so overjoyed that he did not desire to live longer. Three days later he died, and the three seeds were buried in his mouth, as the angel had instructed. The seeds became a sapling with three trunks in one, which absorbed into itself the blood of Adam, so that the life of Adam was in the tree. Noah dug up this tree by the roots and took it with him into the Ark. After the waters subsided, he buried the skull of Adam under Mount Calvary, and planted the tree on the summit of Mount Lebanon.

Moses beheld a visionary being in the midst of this tree (the burning bush) and from it cut the magical rod with which he was able to bring water out of a stone. But because he failed to call upon the Lord the second time he struck the rock, he was not permitted to carry the sacred staff into the Promised Land; so he planted it in the hills of Moab. After much searching, King David discovered the tree; and his son, Solomon, tried to use it for a pillar in his Temple, but his carpenters could not cut it so that it would fit; it was always either too long or too short. At last, disgusted, they cast it aside and used it for a bridge to connect Jerusalem with the surrounding hills. When the Queen of Sheba came to visit King Solomon she was expected to walk across this bridge. Instead, when she beheld the tree, she refused to put her foot upon it, but, after kneeling and praying, removed her sandals and forded the stream. This so impressed King Solomon that he ordered the log to be overlaid with golden places and placed above the door of his Temple. There it remained until his covetous grandson stole the gold, and buried the tree so that the crime would not be discovered.

From the ground where the tree was buried there immediately bubbled forth a spring of water, which became known as Bethesda. To it the sick from all Syria came to be healed. The angel of the pool became the guardian of the tree, and it remained undisturbed for many years. Eventually the log floated to the surface and was used as a bridge again, this time between Calvary and Jerusalem; and over it Jesus passed to be crucified. There was no wood on Calvary; so the tree was cut into two parts to serve as the cross upon which the Son of Man was crucified. The cross was set up at the very spot where the skull of Adam had been buried. Later, when the cross was discovered by the Empress Helena, the wood was found to be of four different varieties contained in one tree (representing the elements), and thereafter the cross continued to heal all the sick who were permitted to touch it.

The prevalent idea that the reverence for the cross is limited to the Christian world is disproved by even the most superficial investigation of its place in religious symbolism. The early Christians used every means possible to conceal the pagan origin of their symbols, doctrines, and rituals. They either destroyed the sacred books of other peoples among whom they settled, or made them inaccessible to students of comparative philosophy, apparently believing that in this way they could stamp out all record of the pre-Christian origin of their doctrines. In some cases the writings of various ancient authors were tampered with, passages of a compromising nature being removed or foreign material interpolated. The supposedly spurious passage in Josephus concerning Jesus is an example adduced to illustrate this proclivity.

THE LOST LIBRARIES OF ALEXANDRIA

Prior to the Christian Era seven hundred thousand of the most valuable books, written upon parchment, papyrus, vellum, and wax, and also tablets of stone, terra cotta, and wood, were gathered from all parts of the ancient world and housed in Alexandria, in buildings specially prepared for the purpose. This magnificent repository of knowledge was destroyed by a series of three fires. The parts that escaped the conflagration lighted by Cæsar to destroy the fleet in the harbor were destroyed about A.D. 389 by the Christians in obedience to the edict of Theodosius, who had ordered the destruction of the Serapeum, a building sacred to Serapis in which the volumes were kept. This conflagration is supposed to have destroyed the library that Marcus Antonius had presented to Cleopatra to compensate in part for that burned in the fire of the year 51.

Concerning this, H. P. Blavatsky, in Isis Unveiled, has written: "They [the Rabbis of Palestine and the wise men] say that not all the rolls and manuscripts, reported in history to have been burned by Cæsar, by the Christian mob, in 389, and by the Arab General Amru, perished as it is commonly believed; and the story they tell is the following: At the time of the contest for the throne, in 51 B. C., between Cleopatra and her brother Dionysius Ptolemy, the Bruckion, which contained over seven hundred thousand rolls all bound in wood and fire-proof parchment, was undergoing repairs and a great portion of the original manuscripts, considered among the most precious, and which were not duplicated, were stored away in the house of one of the librarians. * * *Several hours passed between the burning of the fleet, set on fire by Cæsar's order, and the moment when the first buildings situated near the harbor caught fire in their turn; and * * * the librarians, aided by several hundred slaves attached to the museum, succeeded in saving the most precious of the rolls." In all probability, the books which were saved lie buried either in Egypt or in India, and until they are discovered the modern world must remain in ignorance concerning many great philosophical and mystical truths. The ancient world more clearly understood these missing links--the continuity of the pagan Mysteries in Christianity.

THE CROSS IN PAGAN SYMBOLISM

In his article on the Cross and Crucifixion in the Encyclopædia Britannica, Thomas Macall Fallow casts much light on the antiquity of this ideograph. "The use of the cross as a religious symbol in pre-Christian times, and among non-Christian peoples, may

Click to enlarge HISTORY OF THE HOLY CROSS.

From Berjeau's History of the Holy Cross.

(1) Adam directing Seth how to reach the Garden of Eden. (2) Seth placing the three seeds from the Tree of Life under the tongue of the dead Adam. (3) The Queen of Sheba, refusing to place her feet upon the sacred tree, forded the stream. (4) Placing the sacred tree over the door of Solomon's Temple. (5) The crucifixion of Christ upon a cross made from the wood of the holy tree. (6) Distinguishing the true cross from the other two by testing its power to raise a corpse to life.

Not only is the cross itself a familiar object in the art of all nations, but the veneration for it is an essential part of the religious life of the greater part of humanity. It is a common symbol among the American Indians--North, Central, and South. William W. Seymour states: "The Aztec goddess of rain bore a cross in her hand, and the Toltecs claimed that their deity, Quetzalcoatl, taught them the sign and ritual of the cross, hence his staff, or sceptre of power, resembled a crosier, and his mantle was covered with red crosses." (The Cross in Tradition, History and Art.)

The cross is also highly revered by the Japanese and Chinese. To the Pythagoreans the most sacred of all numbers was the 10, the symbol of which is an X, or cross. In both the Japanese and Chinese languages the character of the number 10 is a cross. The Buddhist wheel of life is composed of two crosses superimposed, and its eight points are still preserved to Christendom in the peculiarly formed cross of the Knights Templars, which is essentially Buddhistic. India has preserved the cross, not only in its carvings and paintings, but also in its architectonics; a great number of its temples--like the churches and cathedrals of Christendom--are raised from cruciform foundations.

On the mandalas of the Tibetans, heaven is laid out in the form of a cross, with a demon king at each of the four gates. A remarkable cross of great antiquity was discovered in the island caves of Elephanta in the harbor of Bombay. Crosses of various kinds were favorite motifs in the art of Chaldea, Phœnicia, Egypt, and Assyria. The initiates of the Eleusinian Mysteries of Greece were given a cross which they suspended about their necks on a chain, or cord, at the time of initiation. To the Rosicrucians, Alchemists, and Illuminati, the cross was the symbol of light, because each of the three letters L V X is derived from some part of the cross.

THE TAU CROSS

There are three distinct forms of the cross. The first is called the TAU (more correctly the TAV). It closely resembles the modern letter T, consisting of a horizontal bar resting on a vertical column, the two arms being of equal length. An oak tree cut off some feet above the ground and its upper part laid across the lower in this form was the symbol of the Druid god Hu. It is suspected that this symbol originated among the Egyptians from the spread of the horns of a bull or ram (Taurus or Aries) and the vertical line of its face. This is sometimes designated as the hammer cross, because if held by its vertical base it is not unlike a mallet or gavel. In one of the Qabbalistic Masonic legends, CHiram Abiff is given a hammer in the form of a TAU by his ancestor, Tubal-cain. The TAU cross is preserved to modern Masonry under the symbol of the T square. This appears to be the oldest form of the cross extant.

The TAU cross was inscribed on the forehead of every person admitted into the Mysteries of Mithras. When a king was initiated into the Egyptian Mysteries, the TAU was placed against his lips. It was tattooed upon the bodies of the candidates in some of the American Indian Mysteries. To the Qabbalist, the TAU stood for heaven and the Pythagorean tetractys. The Caduceus of Hermes was an outgrowth of the TAU cross. (See Albert Pike.)

THE CRUX ANSATA

The second type was that of a T, or TAU, cross surmounted by a circle, often foreshortened to the form of an upright oval. This was called by the ancients the Crux Ansata, or the cross of life . It was the key to the Mysteries of antiquity and it probably gave rise to the more modern story of St. Peter's golden key to heaven. In the Mysteries of Egypt the candidate passed through all forms of actual and imaginary dangers, holding above his head the Crux Ansata, before which the powers of darkness fell back abashed. The student is reminded of the words In hoc signo vinces. The TAU form of the cross is not unlike the seal of Venus, as Richard Payne Knight has noted. He states: "The cross in this form is sometimes observable on coins, and several of them were found in a temple of Serapis [the Serapeum], demolished at the general destruction of those edifices by the Emperor Theodosius, and were said by the Christian antiquaries of that time to signify the future life."

Augustus Le Plongeon, in his Sacred Mysteries Among the Mayas and Quiches, notes that the Crux Ansata, which he calls The Key to the Nile and the Symbol of Symbols, either in its complete form or as a simple TAU, was to be seen adorning the breasts of statues and bas-reliefs at Palenque, Copan, and throughout Central America. He notes that it was always associated with water; that among the Babylonians it was the emblem of the water gods; among the Scandinavians, of heaven and immortality; and among the Mayas, of rejuvenation and freedom from physical suffering.

Concerning the association of this symbol with the waters of life, Count Goblet d'Alviella, in his Migration of Symbols, calls attention to the fact that an instrument resembling the Crux Ansata and called the Nilometer was used by the ancient Egyptians for measuring and regulating the inundations of the river Nile. It is probable that this relationship to the Nile caused it to be considered the symbol of life, for Egypt depended entirely upon the inundations of this river for the irrigation necessary to insure sufficient crops. In the papyrus scrolls the Crux Ansata is shown issuing from the mouths of Egyptian kings when they pardoned enemies, and it was buried with them to signify the immortality of the soul. It was carried by many of the gods and goddesses and apparently signified their divine benevolence and life-giving power. The Cairo Museum contains a magnificent collection of crosses of many shapes, sizes, and designs, proving that they were a common symbol among the Egyptians.

THE ROMAN AND GREEK CATHOLIC CROSSES

The third form of the cross is the familiar Roman or Greek type, which is closely associated with the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, although it is improbable that the cross used resembled its more familiar modern form. There are unlimited sub-varieties of crosses, differing in the relative proportions of their vertical and horizontal sections. Among the secret orders of different generations we find compounded crosses, such as the triple TAU in the Royal Arch of Freemasonry and the double and triple crosses of both Masonic and Roman Catholic symbolism.

To the Christian the cross has a twofold significance. First, it is the symbol of the death of his Redeemer, through whose martyrdom he feels that he partakes of the glory of God; secondly, it is the symbol of humility, patience, and the burden of life. It is interesting that the cross should be both a symbol of life and a symbol of death. Many nations deeply considered the astronomical aspect of religion, and it is probable that the Persians, Greeks, and Hindus looked upon the cross as a symbol of the equinoxes and the solstices, in the belief that at certain seasons of the year the sun was symbolically crucified upon these imaginary celestial angles.

The fact that so many nations have regarded their Savior as a personification of the sun globe is convincing evidence that the cross must exist as an astronomical element in pagan allegory. Augustus Le Plongeon believed that the veneration for the cross was partly due to the rising of a constellation called the Southern Cross, which immediately preceded the annual rains, and as the natives of those latitudes relied wholly upon these rains to raise their crops, they viewed the cross as an annual promise of the approaching storms, which to them meant life.

There are four basic elements (according to both ancient philosophy and modern science), and the ancients represented them by the four arms of the cross, placing at the end of each arm a mysterious Qabbalistic creature to symbolize the power of one of these elements. Thus, they symbolized the element of earth by a bull; water by a scorpion, a serpent, or an eagle; fire by a lion; and air by a human head surrounded by wings. It is significant that the four letters inscribed upon parchment (some say wood) and fastened to the top of the cross at the time of the crucifixion should be the first letters of four Hebrew words which stand for the four elements: "Iammin, the sea or water; Nour, fire; Rouach, the air; and Iebeschah, the dry earth." (See Morals and Dogma, by Albeit Pike.)

That a cross can be formed by opening or unfolding the surfaces of a cube has caused that symbol to be associated with the earth. Though a cross within a circle has long been regarded as a sign of the planet Earth, it should really be considered as the symbol of the composite element earth, since it is composed of the four triangles of the elements. For thousands of years the cross has been identified with the plan of salvation for humanity. The elements--salt, sulphur, mercury, and Azoth--used in making the Philosopher's Scone in Alchemy, were often symbolized by a cross. The cross of the four cardinal angles also had its secret significance, and Masonic parties of three still go forth to the four cardinal points of the compass in search of the Lost Word.

The material of which the cross was formed was looked upon as being an essential element in its symbolism. Thus, a golden cross symbolized illumination; a silver cross, purification; a cross of base metals, humiliation; a cross of wood, aspiration. The fact that among many nations it was customary to spread the arms in prayer has influenced the symbolism of the cross, which, because of its shape, has come to be regarded as emblematic of the human body. The four major divisions of the human structure--bones, muscles, nerves, and arteries--are considered to have contributed to the symbolism of the cross. This is especially due to the fact that the spinal nerves cross at the base of the spine, and is a reminder that "Our Lord was crucified also in Egypt."

Man has four vehicles (or mediums) of expression by means of which the spiritual Ego contacts the external universe: the physical nature, the vital nature, the emotional nature, and the mental nature. Each of these partakes in principle of one of the primary elements, and the four creatures assigned to them by the Qabbalists caused the cross to be symbolic of the compound nature of man.

THE CRUCIFIXION--A COSMIC ALLEGORY

Saviors unnumbered have died for the sins of man and by the hands of man, and through their deaths have interceded in heaven for the souls of their executioners. The martyrdom of the God-Man and the redemption of the world through His blood has been an essential tenet of many great religions. Nearly all these stories can be traced to sun worship, for the glorious orb of day is the Savior who dies annually for every creature within his universe, but year after year rises again victorious from the tomb of winter. Without doubt the doctrine of the crucifixion is based upon the secret traditions of the Ancient Wisdom; it is a constant reminder that the divine nature of man is perpetually crucified upon the animal organism. Certain of the pagan Mysteries included in the ceremony of initiation the crucifixion of the candidate upon a cross, or the laying of his body upon a cruciform altar. It has been claimed that Apollonius of Tyana (the Antichrist) was initiated into the Arcanum of Egypt in the Great Pyramid, where he hung upon a cross until unconscious and was then laid in the tomb (the coffer) for three days. While his body was unconscious, his soul was thought to pass into the realms of the immortals (the place of death) After it had vanquished death (by recognizing that life is eternal) it returned again to the body, which then rose from the coffer, after which he was hailed as a brother by the priests, who believed that he had returned from the land of the dead. This concept was, in substance, the teaching of the Mysteries.

THE CRUCIFIED SAVIORS

The list of the deathless mortals who suffered for man that he might receive the boon of eternal life is an imposing one. Among those connected historically or allegorically with a crucifixion are Prometheus, Adonis, Apollo, Arys, Bacchus, Buddha, Christna, Horus, Indra, Ixion, Mithras, Osiris, Pythagoras, Quetzalcoatl, Semiramis, and Jupiter. According to the fragmentary accounts extant, all these heroes gave their lives to the service of humanity and, with one or two exceptions, died as martyrs for the cause of human progress. In many mysterious ways the manner of their death has been designedly concealed, but it is possible that most of them were crucified upon a cross or tree. The first friend of man, the immortal Prometheus, was crucified on the pinnacle of Mount Caucasus, and a vulture was placed over his liver to torment him throughout eternity by clawing and rending his flesh with its talons. Prometheus disobeyed the edict of Zeus by bringing fire and immortality to man, so for man he suffered until the coming of Hercules released him from his ages of torment.

Concerning the crucifixion of the Persian Mithras, J. P. Lundy has written: "Dupuis tells us that Mithra was put to death by crucifixion, and rose again on the 25th of March. In the Persian Mysteries the body of a young man, apparently dead, was exhibited, which was feigned to be restored to life. By his sufferings he was believed to have worked their salvation, and on this account he was called their Savior. His priests watched his tomb to the midnight of the vigil of the 25th of March, with loud cries, and in darkness; when all at once the light burst forth from all parts, the priest cried, Rejoice, O sacred initiated, your God is risen. His death, his pains, and sufferings, have worked your salvation." (See Monumental Christianity.)

In some cases, as in that of the Buddha, the crucifixion mythos must be taken in an allegorical rather than a literal sense, for the manner of his death has been recorded by his own disciples in the Book of the Great Decease. However, the mere fact that the symbolic reference to death upon a tree has been associated with these heroes is sufficient to prove the universality of the crucifixion story.

The East Indian equivalent of Christ is the immortal Christna, who, sitting in the forest playing his flute, charmed the birds and beasts by his music. It is supposed that this divinely inspired Savior of humanity was crucified upon a tree by his enemies, but great care has been taken to destroy any evidence pointing in that direction. Louis Jacolliot, in his book The Bible in India, thus describes the death of Christna: "Christna understood that the hour had come for him to quit the earth, and return to the bosom of him who had sent him. Forbidding his disciples to follow him, he went, one day, to make his ablutions on the banks of the Ganges * * *. Arriving at the sacred river, he plunged himself three times therein, then, kneeling, and looking to heaven, he prayed, expecting death. In this position he was pierced with arrows by one of those whose crimes he had unveiled, and who, hearing of his journey to the Ganges, had, with generation. a strong troop, followed with the design of assassinating him * * *. The body of the God-man was suspended to the branches of a tree by his murderer, that it might become the prey of vultures. News of the death having spread, the people came in a crowd conducted by Ardjouna, the dearest of the disciples of Christna, to recover his sacred remains. But the mortal frame of the redeemer had disappeared--no doubt it had regained the celestial abodes * * * and the tree to which it had been attached had become suddenly covered with great red flowers and diffused around it the sweetest perfume." Other accounts of the death of Christna declare that he was tied to a cross-shaped tree before the arrows were aimed at him.

The existence in Moor's The Hindu Pantheon of a plate of Christna with nail wounds in his hands and feet, and a plate in Inman's Ancient Faiths showing an Oriental deity with what might well be a nail hole in one of his feet, should be sufficient motive for further investigation of this subject by those of unbiased minds. Concerning the startling discoveries which can be made along these lines, J. P. Lundy in his Monumental Christianity presents the following information: "Where did the Persians get their notion of this prophecy as thus interpreted respecting Christ, and His saving mercy and love displayed on the cross? Both by symbol and actual crucifix we see it on all their monuments. If it came from India, how did it get there, except from the one common and original centre of all primitive and pure religion? There is a most extraordinary plate, illustrative of the whole subject, which representation I believe to be anterior to Christianity. It is copied from Moor's Hindu Pantheon, not as a curiosity, but as a most singular monument of the crucifixion. I do not venture to give it a name, other than that of a crucifixion in space. * * * Can it be the Victim-Man, or the Priest and Victim both in one, of the Hindu mythology, who offered himself a sacrifice before the worlds were? Can it be Plato's second God who impressed himself on the universe in the form of the cross? Or is it his divine man who would be scourged, tormented, fettered, have his eyes burnt out; and lastly, having suffered all manner of evils, would be crucified? Plato learned his theology in Egypt and the East, and must have known of the crucifixion of Krishna, Buddha, Mithra [et al]. At any rate, the religion of India had its mythical crucified victim long anterior to Christianity,

Click to enlarge THE TAU CROSS.

The TAU Cross was the sign which the Lord told the people of Jerusalem to mark on their foreheads, as related by the Prophet Ezekiel. It was also placed as a symbol of liberation upon those charged with crimes but acquitted.

Click to enlarge THE CRUX ANSATA.

Both the cross and the circle were phallic symbols, for the ancient world venerated the generative powers of Nature as being expressive of the creative attributes of the Deity. The Crux Ansata, by combining the masculine TAU with the feminine oval, exemplified the principles of generation.

The modern world has been misled in its attitude towards the so-called pagan deities, and has come to view them in a light entirely different from their true characters and meanings. The ridicule and slander heaped by Christendom upon Christna and Bacchus are excellent examples of the persecution of immortal principles by those who have utterly failed to sense the secret meaning of the allegories. Who was the crucified man of Greece, concerning whom vague rumors have been afloat? Higgins thinks it was Pythagoras, the true story of whose death was suppressed by early Christian authors because it conflicted with their teachings. Was it true also that the Roman legionaries carried on the field of battle standards upon which were crosses bearing the crucified Sun Man?

THE CRUCIFIXION OF QUETZALCOATL

One of the most remarkable of the crucified World Saviors is the Central American god of the winds, or the Sun, Quetzalcoatl, concerning whose activities great secrecy was maintained by the Indian priests of Mexico and Central America. This strange immortal, whose name means feathered snake, appears to have come out of the sea, bringing with him a mysterious cross. On his garments were embellished clouds and red crosses. In his honor, great serpents carved from stone were placed in different parts of Mexico.

The cross of Quetzalcoatl became a sacred symbol among the Mayas, and according to available records the Maya Indian angels had crosses of various pigments painted on their foreheads. Similar crosses were placed over the eyes of those initiated into their Mysteries. When Cortez arrived in Mexico, he brought with him the cross. Recognizing this, the natives believed that he was Quetzalcoatl returned, for the latter had promised to come back in the infinite future and redeem his people.

In Anacalypsis, Godfrey Higgins throws some light on the cross and its symbolism in America: "The Incas had a cross of very fine marble, or beautiful jasper, highly polished, of one piece, three-fourths of an ell in length, and three fingers in width and thickness. It was kept in a sacred chamber of a palace, and held in great veneration. The Spaniards enriched this cross with gold and jewels, and placed it in the cathedral of Cuzco. Mexican temples are in the form of a cross, and face the four cardinal points. Quexalcoatl is represented in the paintings of the Codex Borgianus nailed to the cross. Sometimes even the two thieves are there crucified with him. In Vol. II. plate 75, the God is crucified in the Heavens, in a circle of nineteen figures, the number of the Metonic cycle. A serpent is depriving him of the organs of generation. In the Codex Borgianus, (pp. 4, 72, 73, 75,) the Mexican God is represented crucified and nailed to the cross, and in another place hanging to it, with a cross in his hands. And in one instance, where the figure is not merely outlined, the cross is red, the clothes are coloured, and the face and hands quite black. If this was the Christianity of the German Nestorius, how came he to teach that the crucified Savior was black? The name of the God who was crucified was Quexalcoatl.

The crucifixion of the Word in space, the crucifixion of the dove often seen in religious symbolism--both of these are reminders of pagan overshadowing. The fact that a cross is formed by the spread wings of a bird in relation to its body is no doubt one of the reasons why the Egyptians used a bird to symbolize the immortal nature of man, and often show it hovering over the mummified body of the dead and carrying in one of its claws the sign of life and in the other the sign of breath.

THE NAILS OF THE PASSION

The three nails of the Passion have found their way into the symbolism of many races and faiths. There are many legends concerning these nails. One of these is to the effect that originally there were four nails, but one was dematerialized by a Hebrew Qabbalist and magician just as they were about to drive it through the foot of the Master. Hence it was necessary to cross the feet. Another legend relates that one of the nails was hammered into a crown and that it still exists as the imperial diadem of a European house. Still another story has it that the bit on the bridle of Constantine's horse was a Passion nail. It is improbable, however, that the nails were made of iron, for at that time it was customary to use sharpened wooden pegs. Hargrave Jennings, in his Rosicrucians, Their Rites and Mysteries, calls attention to the fact that the mark or sign used in England to designate royal property and called the broad arrow is nothing more nor less than the three nails of the crucifixion grouped together, and that by placing them point to point the ancient symbol of the Egyptian TAU cross is formed.

In his Ancient Freemasonry, Frank C. Higgins reproduces the Masonic apron of a colossal stone figure at Quirigua, Guatemala. The central ornament of the apron is the three Passion nails, arranged exactly like the British broad arrow. That three nails should be used to crucify the Christ, three murderers to kill CHiram Abiff, and three wounds to slay Prince Coh, the Mexican Indian Osiris, is significant.

C. W. King, in his Gnostics and Their Remains, thus describes a Gnostic gem: "The Gnostic Pleroma, or combination of all the Æons [is] expressed by the outline of a man holding a scroll * * *. The left hand is formed like three bent spikes or nails; unmistakably the same symbol that Belus often holds in his extended hand on the Babylonian cylinders, afterwards discovered by the Jewish Cabalists in the points of the letter Shin, and by the mediæval mystics in o the Three Nails of the Cross." From this point Hargrave Jennings continues King's speculations, noting the resemblance of the nail to an obelisk, or pillar, and that the Qabbalistic value of the Hebrew letter Shin, or Sin, is 300, namely, 100 for each spike.

The Passion nails are highly important symbols, especially when it is realized that, according to the esoteric systems of culture, there are certain secret centers of force in the palms of the hands and in the soles of the feet.

The driving of the nails and the flow of blood and water from the wounds were symbolic of certain secret philosophic practices of the Temple. Many of the Oriental deities have mysterious symbols on the hands and feet. The so-called footprints of Buddha are usually embellished with a magnificent sunburst at the point where the nail pierced the foot of Christ.

In his notes on the theology of Jakob Böhme, Dr. Franz Hartmann thus sums up the mystic symbolism of the crucifixion: "The cross represents terrestrial life, and the crown of thorns the sufferings of the soul within the elementary body, but also the victory of the spirit over the elements of darkness. The body is naked, to indicate that the candidate for immortality must divest himself of all desires for terrestrial things. The figure is nailed to the cross, which symbolizes the death and surrender of the self-will, and that it should not attempt to accomplish anything by its own power, but merely serve as an instrument wherein the Divine will is executed. Above the head are inscribed the letters: I. N. R. J. whose most important meaning is: In Nobis Regnat Jesus (Within ourselves reigns Jesus). But this signification of this inscription can be practically known only to those who have actually died relatively to the world of desires, and risen above the temptation for personal existence; or, to express it in other words, those who have become alive in Christ, and in whom thus the kingdom of Jesus (the holy love-will issuing from the heart of God) has been established." One of the most interesting interpretations of the crucifixion allegory is that which identifies the man Jesus with the personal consciousness of the individual. It is this personal consciousness that conceives of and dwells in the sense of separateness, and before the aspiring soul can be reunited with the ever-present and all-pervading Father this personality must be sacrificed that the Universal Consciousness may be liberated.”

- THE SECRET TEACHINGS OF ALL AGES by Manly P. Hall

Source: http://www.sacred-texts.com/eso/sta/index.htm

#Tau #Tau cross #cross #Jesus the Nazarene King of the Jews #Lost Keys of Freemasonry #Knights Templar #Freemasonry #Ancient Egypt #mithra #religion #spirituality #philosophy #jesus #early christianity #Manly P. Hall

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