#-in pain and weak and miserable like 75% of the time now

[databent]

i hate being sick i hate this stupid fucking body i hate not knowing whats wrong with me

[the-karasu-no-one-knows]

It's amazing how people can stand for situations that are not safe for women and children. Most of those people have NEVER experienced chronic and systemic sexual, physical or emotional abuse.

They come off like some self-righteous "activist", completely disregarding those concerned by the influx of humans who are not given background checks of ANY KIND. They come in mass and without the vagus idea on how to communicate in ways that serve all.

We don't talk about it because we walk on egg shells because speaking the truth fucks up people's sense of rationale and logic and reason. Common sense flies out the FUCKING WINDOW when it comes to addressing REAL CONCERNS about agendas allowing radical ideologies that destroy society, the nuclear family and those who have a belief system that is under attack by miserable, self-righteous, unstable, narcissistic and empty headed humans who know JACK SHIT about the PAIN, TRAUMA AND ANGUISH associated with these dangerous and pathological agendas.

I am 75% Latina. I am first generation Latina/American. My mothers ENTIRE family (including herself) came here legally. My father's father came here from Venezuela and joined the merchant Marines at 15-16. My husband's grandfather escaped Nazi Germany and came to Ellis Island and did all things LEGALLY. In fact, he was multilingual.

We have a SERIOUS fucking problem here in the U.S. It's called ENABLEMENT and lack of SEVERE CONSEQUENCES for issues of legality in many different areas of society, and without SEVERE consequences, our country has turned into a heap of shit. Our politicians do NOT give a fuck about you or policies that do NOT suit their own evil agendas

I can't believe that human beings still need to suck on the teet of these sociopaths and psychopaths in "offices" that do nothing more than to dictate what you can and cannot do with YOUR LIFE. I'm sick of these so called "activists" promoting and enabling policies that are destroying our civilized world.

I'm a proud Anarchist. 95% of human beings have NO CLUE what a real Anarchist stands for. They've only been shown through coercive and propagandized media outlets, social media and magazines. As soon as you argue with those who are perpetuating a disastrous society, they lose their fucking minds.

You know why? Because they have NO BACKGROUND of pain, trauma and a world that exists outside of their comfy little homes here in the U.S. I laugh at them because they're the ASS BACKWARDS enablers who will come running to people like me for safety because I have no fear of any human. I believe in the most severe consequences for any human, REGARDLESS of age, sex, sexual orientation, occupation, religious affinity, disability or what have you.

In my world, humans DO NOT get a free pass. This level of enablement disgusts me. I look up to NO HUMAN because an "activist" is just another human hiding behind an agenda that benefits them. I've never come across an activist that surpasses Christ. I'm not perfect, but I damn well know that nothing surpasses that level of devotion outside of Christ.

I'm not a "religious fanatic". Those that use that terminology tend to be very miserable and unsatisfied in their lives. It's easier to blame something else than to see the truth. So many cowards. So many ass kissers. So many liars cand weak willed followers. So many who choose to latch onto the latest craze put out by mentally unstable "celebrities" and "activists".

I slowed down on a lot of my activism when it comes to humans because it's now riddled with political agendas and fucked ideologies. I'm spending more of my time and money on NON-HUMAN activism.

You can agree with me or not. I do not care because my world, work, activism and livelihood is not dictated by your opinions. No one has any balls or backbone to talk about the real shit going on in the U.S and overseas.

Kat Bjelland said it best..."You were born of glue instead of spine")))

[pastafossa]

Can I ask what you used to learn & practice to write the way you do because a) I'd also like to improve my writing and b) because you are one of the most talented & extraordinary writer I've EVER come across on A03

Thank you so, so much, I'm honored! 😭 I can, absolutely!

So a big thing I used to learn writing is, I read a ton (had way more time for it a few years ago, but that's where a lot of the foundation was). And one of my English professors once told me, 'if you want to write a novel or story, go back and read your favorite books, but read them as a writer and not just as a reader'. And once I did, I understood what she meant. I'd read back over these books I loved, only now I was looking for why I loved them so much (and I still do this some when reading). If something hit me emotionally hard, why? Was it the body language? Their emphasis on description? If they set up an elaborate, 'SURPRISE!', how was it done? How did they lay clues? How did the author write this out? It helps a ton to look at the structural framework of something you love, and so one of the things you can easily use, that I used, is literally just your favorite books. My favorite series is Dresden Files, for example, and that's where I learned a lot about how one can write internal dialogue, action scenes, and laying clues. I also try to read books by popular authors (that I enjoy, don't get me wrong) so I can look at their techniques and hunt down new things to try. <3

Second, I'm going to rec one of my favorite books that helped me with learning to write emotions (which anyone who's read TRT knows I focus on fairly regularly). I literally always write with this nearby: The Emotion Thesaurus. The 1st edition I have has 75 emotions, and each has a connected list of physical body language signals, internal sensations, mental responses, cues of acute or long-term feeling of that emotion, and cues of suppression of that emotion. The 2nd edition now has 130 emotions (haven't had a chance to look through that one yet). That book helped teach me about linking emotion to sensory descriptions - physical, mental, internal, and then with time or suppression.

Third: if anywhere near you or online has a free class on creative writing and you have the time, I'd give it a shot! I took a fair amount of English classes in college, admittedly, but even once I was done, I kept an eye out and I've managed to get into some free or cheap classes. Some are pretty terrible, a lot are just middle of the road, and then every once in a while you get an amazing one where you hear hysterical gems like, "your job as an author is to cause pain. Embrace it! You're a sadist now," and then you learn how to torment characters with unique acts of suffering. So there's always something to learn, even in the terrible classes (it's sometimes just, 'don't do this one thing').

Writers Groups! I have had some very kind and very honest writers groups over the years that have helped me learn where my weaknesses were as a writer. One of my biggest issues used to be overdescription of everything (I wish I was joking, RIP to my early readers), and I didn't even realize it was a problem until I joined a writers group and they pointed out that things were a bit unnecessarily wordy.

Grammarly is something I use for every chapter. I generally edit my chapter, paste it into Grammarly, and then it hits me with a newspaper points out politely where I can take out some unnecessary commas. Grammarly reminds me not to get cocky. Grammarly humbles us all.

Those have been my biggest resources on learning over the years: published books I loved, books like The Emotion Thesaurus, taking writing classes whenever I could, writers groups, and Grammarly. I try to consider myself a constant student, always learning! After that, it's just practice-practice-practice. Pastafossa is, I think my third pseudonym over ohgodtoomanyyears of writing fanfic and original stories on and off. In the beginning, my fanfiction was terrible (seriously, I found some the other day on an old hard drive and, good god 😂). I've tried my hand at one-shots, parody (I wrote a bad smut fic for Dragon Age a while back and LORD that was wild), humor, prompt challenges. Try everything! Some of it will fail miserably, but much like the terrible writing classes, at least you learn something, and then you use that for next time. ❤️

[worldwidebt7]

I... have no idea why I decided to write this— especially on this blog because... I don’t really consider this a personal blog...

I suppose I just needed to vent? Get my thoughts out and hope that someone listens? I love my husband but... it’s like talking to a wall when it comes to this topic 😅

So... what I’m talking about is poor body image and everything that comes with it.

And I guess this is the part where I place a trigger warning for— jeez— just, everything? Talking about eating disorders, self-deprivation, low self worth, self body shaming, negative thoughts... so, if you’re triggered by these topics or anything similar, please read no further.

So, I guess I should preface this with a disclaimer: I love who I am. I love my mind, and the way I think and analyze. I love the way I love the things I’m passionate about.

But I hate that I can’t love the way I look.

I want to. I want to be happy and confident in how I look, but every time I see myself in a reflection I veer away as fast as possible. I can give you every reason in the book, but I couldn’t tell you where my poor body image comes from.

As far back as I can remember I have been hiding in clothes two sizes too big for me. Anything that will shield my imperfections from the world. Hell, I’ve even been living for these mandatory masks because that gives me the ability to hide my face. The less that can been seen of me, the better. I suppose that’s because I assume the rest of the world will judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

I have this saying: “Go ahead and say what you want because it can’t be worse than what I already tell myself.”

Which is true. In fact, I actively avoid mirrors when I can. I don’t even own a full body mirror. I have two vanity mirrors that show my face from the neck up and there are more than enough issues just there to keep me occupied for an hour.

Owning a full length mirror would be... well, let’s just say the last time I looked at myself at length in one I cried and nearly broke my hand.

I am... overweight for my height and body type. And for myself. About 35lbs (15.88kg) to be precise. I’m 5’1” (155cm) and of a petite build. I should weigh in the 112lb (50.80)-121lb (54.88kg). I understand that each body has its own version of healthy, but I can physically feel the effects that the extra weight is having on my body.

I should add that I wasn’t always this heavy. In middle school and high school I was about average weight even if it was a little over the “ideal” and later I was in the spectrum of healthy weight for my size twice.

And neither time did I get there healthily.

The first time was out of my hands— I had been quite ill with Lyme disease for the first two years of my college life and I was spending 75% of my time asleep or too weak to move. Surprisingly, I actually GAINED weight at this time and was at the unruly weight I’m currently at today.

However, that changed drastically when doctors finally discovered the cause of my ailments and put me on aggressive medication for it. I had Lyme for two years— there was already irreparable damage to by body from it. I though the treatment would be the end.

Wrong.

The pills prescribed to me were meant to eliminate the disease as swiftly as possible and consequently made me more ill. I was throwing up two to three times a day and with that came a sensitive stomach and a nonexistent appetite. I loved off of bread and chocolate milk for a month because that’s all my stomach could keep down.

I lost 35lbs (15.88kg) in four weeks. My body was eating itself. I was weak. Every bone in my body hurt. My eyes were sunken in. I couldn’t eat because the bacteria in my stomach were so damaged.

But I was finally— FINALLY— skinny. My body had essentially transformed over night in my suffering and I felt like at least one good thing had come out of me being sick.

I began working out regularly trying to gain some of my muscle back and I toned up, I had definition and some of my energy back. And I continued to try and nurse myself back to health for the next year by slowly introducing more food into my meals. I was trying to do the right thing for my body, but I also wanted to keep the weight off.

This was the first... and the last time I was ever happy with my body.

It lasted little more than a year.

Once I was able to eat full meals again after quite some time, I gained all the weight back— and then some. I was the heaviest I had ever been and I was MISERABLE. I had gotten a taste of my version of “the perfect body” and I ate it away.

This is where the self-hatred really set in.

After I graduated college and broke up with my boyfriend, I decided to lose the weight again. The beginning was hard— not due to lack of motivation or knowledge (my mother had been a personal trainer) but because my metabolism had be irreparably damaged from the earlier events. And when I stopped seeing results, I cut back on calories.

And cut back again.

And again.

And again.

Until— finally— I had lost most of the weight again. And I was eating 300 calories or less a day. Preferably less. The less I ate, the more I complimented myself for restricting and having restraint.

“You did good today!”

“With this, you’ll definitely lose weight!”

“Look at how flat your stomach is!”

Of course my stomach was flat. I hadn’t eaten anything!

And all the kind, sweet words to myself were doing was reinforcing horrible, life-threatening habits that I still struggle with today.

This also went on for a year, and, while I wasn’t completely satisfied with how my body looked, it was the last time I can pinpoint where I was happy. And because I link that period of time to happiness, I now connect the eating disorder I had to contributing to it.

Flash forward to now— four and a half years later. I am back to my miserable weight. I feel like my body isn’t mine, and that it’s betrayed me. And I hate it.

I am still in constant pain from the joint damage caused my the Lyme disease. My stomach is still sensitive and I often feel ill after eating (whether this is a physical response or a psychological one at this point I cannot tell). And my metabolism has never recovered from what was now 9 years ago.

And I have tried to lose the weight again. I went to a personal trainer and that worked for a bit— I dropped 11lbs (4.99kg) in about four months and I was eating healthy. But then I plateaued. I was told I needed to eat more since I was doing weight lifting. So I ate more and the weight started coming back.

I tried intermittent fasting, and that worked for a time. But then I did a body scan that measures fat vs muscle vs skeletal mass and it showed that the weight I was losing was actually muscle. I was told again to eat more, so I did.

I gained all 11lbs back.

Then I fell back on what I knew worked for me. Calorie deficit.

I started cutting back until I began to see weight drop, but immediately stopped when I realized that I would have to eat less than 700 calories a day for any sort of result.

So here I am, in my traitorous body with no light at the end of the tunnel. I have more issues than losing weight can resolve at this point. I should see a therapist, but I can’t afford one. I should consult a nutritionist, but, again, can’t afford that. The only reason I could afford a trainer because she was a friend of mine and gave me an amazing deal. However, after I had to drop $2k to fix the watermain to my house I was unable to afford that even.

I’m not the confident woman my husband married three years ago, and because of my insecurities and poor body image marital problems run rampant in our relationship.

I know there are many factors to how I view myself— I have unrealistic standards that I feel I must live up to. I have a deep-seeded fear of being ugly because at some point in my life I decided that only good things happen for beautiful people.

I was listening to a podcast today and they were discussing how hot people don’t need to develop certain personality traits or social skills because they’re beautiful and everyone loves beautiful people.

I guess I’ve always wanted to be one of these beautiful people.

It’s vain, and plastic, and superficial, and my common sense finds it absolutely ridiculous. But when I look in a mirror I can’t find anything that I actually like. It’s like I’m screaming from inside a body that I don’t belong in, because the way I feel about myself isn’t reflected in how I outwardly look.

Again, I love my mind. I love my art and the stories I want to tell with it. I love my soul. I just hate the cage it’s trapped in.

I don’t know why I decided to write this... I guess... I really just wanted someone to listen... and I wanted others who feel the same or have been through similar circumstances, that they’re not alone.

And I suppose not being alone and being heard can be exactly what’s needed sometimes.

I’ll delete this later.

[ozkamal]

Wisdom notes1. It’s not who you are underneath it’s what you do that defines you 2. Stop living other people’s stories and start writing your own 3. We are all gonna die, not all of us get to make a difference 4. Just cause you know you are capable of something doesn’t mean it has to happen again 5. Every weakness contains within itself a strength 6. Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up. 7. In order to be what we are, we have to come out of what we are not 8. It’s not the size of a soldier in a fight, it’s the size of the fight in a soldier 9. some of the best things in life are by accident 10. you can lose to your enemy, but you must not lose to fear 11. if your looking for revenge, you should start by digging two graves 12. sometimes the scars you can’t see are the ones that hurt the most 13. sometimes the rain must fall for us to appreciate the sun 14. train yourself to let go, of everything you fear to lose 15. a man does not cry because he is weak, he cries because he has been strong for too long 16. not everyone can be trusted, even your shadow leaves when your in the dark 17. don’t trust anyone too much, remember the devil was once an angel 18. you didn’t fail, you just found out, eg:100 ways how not to make a light bulb 19. I failed over and over, that’s why i’m successful. 20. it isn’t what you got in life it’s what you make of it 21. people do not despise the thief who steals to satisfy himself when he is starving 22. a mans loyalty is tested when he has everything. a woman’s is tested when he has nothing 23. you have to be odd to be number one 24. trust takes years to build and yet only seconds to break 25. never regret a single thing that made you happy 26. make the plan, execute the plan, expect the plan to go off the rails, throw away the plan. 27. don’t be afraid of losing people, be afraid of losing yourself trying to please everyone around you 28. when we stop checking the monsters under the bed that’s when we realise they were inside us 29. sometimes she’ll keep you down but also somehow be the one to keep you up 30. From strangers. to friends. to being together but then back strangers but with memories 31. it hurts a lot when she breaks up with you. and gets together with someone else really quick... it just don’t feel like she cared, but sometimes you gotta let fate take you by the hand 32. you lost interest so fast.. my world ended before it even started 33. you can love somebody just by being attached. see loyalty is a action u can love or hate me but u still have my back 34. as dr seuss said, “i always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh. but i never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry 35. sometimes it’s hard to know what haunts you more, the memories of her, or the memories of how happy you used to be 36. it’s not that your life sucks, it’s just you done want to think that it doesn’t 37. love never ends, it’s the strength to try that does 38. silence can be just another word for pain 39. not everything lasts forever, people change, people grow apart. don’t force anything 40. absence makes the heart grow stronger 41. it ain’t about how hard you can hit.. it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward, that’s how winning is done 42. tomorrow is never promised 43. the most painful thing isn’t a cut or a broken bone, it’s seeing memories slowly become memories 44. better to have a short life doing what you love, than a long life living miserably 45. when a man loves a woman she becomes his strength 46. pay close attention to the people who don’t clap when you win 47. if your the smartest person in the room then your in the wrong room 48. a great future never requires a great past 49. everyone is the hero of their own story 50. the only time you should look back is to see how far you’ve come 51. there’s four things you can never get back, the word after it’s said, the moment after its missed, time after it’s gone and trust after it’s lost 52. they say you never knew what you had until it’s gone.... truth is, you just never thought you’d lose it 53. think of it like this, it hurts to let go... but sometimes it hurts more to hold on 54. out of all the things we learn in school, no one teaches us how to love ourselves 55. there comes a time in life, where you realise that nothing will ever be the same. And you realise that from now on, time will be divided in two parts, before this.. and after this 56. it takes absence to value presence 57. it’s not about the happy ending, maybe it’s about the story 58. it’s crazy how after so much, you become strangers again 59. words may sting, but silence is what breaks the heart 60. sometimes it’s not the person you miss, it’s the feeling you had when you were with them.. 61. in life there’s the people that tear you down, and the ones that build you up. but in the end, you’ll thank them both 62. you know a million words won’t bring them back, and you’ll know because you tried, neither would a million tears, and you’ll know... because you cried 63. the worst feeling is never being lonely, it’s being forgotten by someone, you’d never forget 64. you’ll realise how you waste so much time on certain people, but in the end sometimes they weren’t worth a second of it 65. there is always going to be some truth behind every “just kidding”. some knowledge behind every “i don’t know” emotion behind every “i don’t care” and pain behind every “it’s okay” 66. being happy is a very personal thing and it really has nothing to do with anybody else 67. don’t let something that’s long gone, control you. it’s time to let go 68. it’s amazing how one day someone walks into the life, and suddenly you don’t know how you every lived without them 69. someone once asked me if i knew you a million and one memories flashed through my mind.. but i just said i used to 70. at the end of the day, your not always gonna say and do the right things. and that’s fine, your not here to be perfect, your here to be real 71. going back to a relationship is like rewatching a movie, and hoping for a different ending 72. the worst kind of sad, is not being able to explain why 73. Life is the most difficult exam. Many people fail because they try to copy others. Not realizing that everyone has a different question on their paper 74. the difference between, like, love and in love is the same difference between, for now, for a while.. and forever 75. everyone can make you smile, but not everyone can make you happy 76. the most difficult part of moving on, is accepting the other person already did 77. it’s sad how the people you were once so close with. can become just another person you don’t know, not their just a stranger with your secrets 78. one day someone will break you so bad.. you will become unbreakable 79. you can close your eyes to things you don’t want to see, but you can never close your heart to things you don’t want to feel 80. if you think photos aren’t so important, wait until they’re all you have left 81. giving someone another chance, is like giving them another bullet, because the first one missed 82. the truth is.. we don’t mature with years, we mature with damage 83. consider how hard it is to change yourself, then you’ll realise what little chance you had in changing others. 84. everyone has a story, and everyone has something that changed them. so never judge someone by the chapter you walked in on 85. in life sometimes there is no next time. No timeouts, no second chances. sometimes it is now or never, things change, friends leave. and life doesn’t stop for anybody 86. can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be? 87. it’s sad how you can go from speaking to someone non-stop, to never speaking to them again, in an instant, it’s like you could have just stayed strangers 88. it’s important to realise you can miss something, but not want it back 89. your current situation, is not your final destination 90. it’s never to late to be what you might’ve been 91. you start with such a simple hello, but end with such a complicated good bye 92. in order to move on, you need to understand why you felt what you did, and why you no longer need to feel it 93. telling the truth and making someone cry, is better than telling a lie.. and making someone smile 94. it’s not the goodbyes that hurt, but the flashbacks that follow 95. some would say people who say it is what it is are dangerous, i say those people have just been hurt to the point where they no longer care 96. if you don’t go after what you want. you’ll never have it. if you don’t ask, the answer is always no and if you don’t step forward, your always in the same place 97. live today the way you want because nothing else is more real than the moment you have in your hands 98. people come and go, but life is simply about... seeing who cares enough to stay 99. one of the most messed up things the world will ever do to you, is let you meet the right person. at the wrong time 100. apologise for your mistakes not your feelings

https://www.reddit.com/r/quotes/comments/n0o67m/i_have_made_a_list_of_quotes_from_movies_and_from/?utm_source=ifttt

[piixelatedpastries]

Sorry not sorry but I need all 93 of those for my baby blue bird please and thank you!

OMG that took foreverrrrrrr!!!! Here you go!

93 questions…read below cut at your own risk!

Basics:

1. What is their gender?  Female

 2. What is their sexuality? Straight

 3. What is the meaning behind their name? Do they have any nicknames? She was given the name Blue Reign by the fire chief because she arrived in the middle of the largest storm the city had seen, a storm that ended the day of her arrival. Cache calls her Blue Bird or Little Blue Bird

 4. Do they have any siblings? How many? Are they older or younger?  Which sibling are they the closest with? None that they know

 5. What’s their relationship with their parents like? What about other relatives? Non existent, she doesn’t know who her parents are.

 6. What would they give their life for? Her unborn baby

 7. Are they in a romantic relationship? With who? How did they meet? Nope

 8. What do they believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them? Not something she thinks of too much, but no she doesn’t really believe in an afterlife.

 9. What is their favorite color? Favorite animal?  Her favorite color is red and her favorite animal is the elephant

 10. What are some of their talents/skills?  She secretly writes poetry

 11. If they could make a mark on history, what would they like it to be?

 12. How old are they? When is their birthday? 18 years old October 10th

 13. What do they do for fun? She loves playing video games and swimming…anything outdoors really

 14. What is their favorite food? How often do they get to eat it? Steak and twice baked potatoes and almost never it’s too expensive, her favorite go to though is cheeseburgers, the greasier and cheesier the better. She eats those all the time.

 15. What was something their parents taught them? That kids were disposable

 16. Are they religious? Nope

 17. Where were they born? New York is all she knows for certain, she assumes City of Dreams since that is where she was left.

 18. What languages can they speak? Where did they learn these languages? Just English

 19. What is their occupation? Waitress at 2 men and a griddle

 20. Do they have any titles? How did they earn them?  no

 Personality:

21. What is their favorite thing about their personality? She can be very blunt

 22. What is their least favorite thing about their personality? She can be very blunt

 23. Do they get lonely easily? In a way she has been lonely her entire life, but not being lonely means trusting and that’s very hard for her.

 24. Do you know their MBTI type? INFP would be maybe closest?

 25. What is their biggest flaw? She doesn’t always think things through completely

 26. Are they aware of their flaws? She usually sees it after the fact but in the moment not so much

 27. What is their biggest strength? She’s very passionate about what is important to her

 28. Are they aware of their strengths? She doesn’t see it so much as a strength

 29. How would they describe their own personality?  Loves to laugh and have fun, kind of moody at times…general pain in the ass.

 30. When frightened, will they resort to ���fight” or “flight”? Fight

 31. Does this character ever put somebody else’s needs before their own? Who do they do this for? How often do they do this? She is learning to with the baby she is carrying, and she has in foster care before helping other people that were being treated unfairly.

 32. What is their self esteem like? Pretty low in most ways

 33. What is their biggest fear? How would they react to having to face it? Ending up a complete failure, she is doing everything she can not to have to face that, although she already has in a way with getting pregnant.

 34. How easily do they trust others with their secrets? With their lives?  They don’t trust anyone with their secrets, Cache is the only one she has trusted in the past and that was years ago so she’s wary of trusting him now because as she would say “people are always changing.”

 35. What is the easiest way to annoy them? Chew with your mouth open

 36. What is their sense of humor like? Give an example of a joke they would find humorous. She has a corny sense of humor.   A type of joke she would tell…2 men walk into a bar the third one ducks..

 37. How easy is it for them to say “I love you”? Do they say it without meaning it?

She has never said it to anyone

38. What do others admire most about their personality?

Hmmm if you ask her no one has ever admired her, but a girl in the home she was in last looked up to her because she was always standing up to the adult caretakers telling them off when they were treating people unfair, and she got into more than one fight protecting younger kids from older bullies.

39. What does their happily ever after look like?

Learning to love and trust enough to fall in love and make real friends, raising her baby to be healthy and loved and well-adjusted and being able to give him or her everything she didn’t have.

40. Who do they trust most? Is that trust mutual? Cache would be the only one she even kind of trusts..and she don’t know yet..

 Physical Profile:

41. What does their laugh sound like? Do they snort when they laugh? How often do they laugh?  She is definitely a giggler and yes she gives little tiny snorts if she laughs hard.. lately she doesn’t laugh much.

 42. What is their favorite thing about their physical appearance?

Her eyes

43. What is their least favorite thing about their physical appearance?

Her freckles

44. Do they have any scars? If so, what are the stories behind those scars?

She has a scar on her thigh from a kid that pulled a knife in one of the homes and tried to violate her, he was caught before it went too far (is there such a thing really?) and sent away. She also has a few small circular burns on her left shoulder, from a foster mom that thought she needed the devil removed when she was young. She won’t speak about either incident.

45. How would they describe their own appearance?

A freckled mess

46. How easily can they express emotions? How easily can they hide emotions?

She has no problem acting happy or being excited, deeper emotions though she keeps very close to her chest, she’s not the kind of girl that lets just anyone see her hurt or cry because she views vulnerability as weakness and weakness has always been dangerous to show.

47.  What’s their pain tolerance like? Pretty high actually

 48. Do they have any tattoos? What are the stories behind those tattoos? nope

 49. Do they have any piercings? Just her ears

 50. How would you describe their style of clothing? How would they describe their style of clothing?

Whatever she can afford at the thrift store. Thrift store fumpulous !

51. What is their height? Weight? 4 ft 10 inches 80 lbs

 52. What is their body type? Are they muscular, chubby, skinny, etc?

Too thin

53. What is their hair color? Eye color? Skin tone?

Light brown hair, very blue eyes, ivory skin

54. What is their current hairstyle? What have been some of their past hairstyles? Which was their favorite hairstyle? Pony tail  she’s had it cut short before, but prefers it longer.

 55. What is their alcohol tolerance like? What kind of drunk are they? How bad are their hangovers?

Pretty high for her size but that doesn’t say much..she is a very rowdy drunk and doesn’t get hangovers

56. What do they smell like? Why do they smell like this? (Is it the things they’re around or a perfume they wear?)

Soft vanilla except after work..then she smells like a diner…

57. How do they feel about sex? Are they a virgin?

Not a virgin but hasn’t had a good sexual experience

58. What is their most noticeable physical attribute?

Gonna have to say her eyes?

59. What does their resting face look like? Do they have RBF?

Definitely has a resting bitch face probably because she is so guarded all the time..

60. Describe the way they sleep.

Well she use to sleep with her arms tucked under her on her stomach, now she has to sleep on her side or back

Environment:

61. Which season is their favorite season?

Spring because its fresh and new

62. Have they ever been betrayed? How did it affect their ability to trust others?

Too many times to count and she doesn’t trust

63. What is always guaranteed to make them smile?

Sweets generally do the trick..

64. Do they get cold easily? Do they get overheated easily?

Normally she gets cold very easily..now she is more likely to overheat

65. What’s their immune system like? Do they get sick often? How do they react to getting sick?

Hardly ever gets sick but when she does she is miserable

66. Where do they live? Do they like it there? City of Dreams, New York.  Its where she’s always lived so there is comfort in the familiar.

 67. Is their bedroom messy? What about their bathroom? Kitchen? Living room?

Nope her home is pretty poor and old and run down but she tries to keep it tidy

68. How did their environment growing up affect their personality?

She grew up in a lot of chaos and nothing ever being hers really, so she is very attached to her stuff and needs a space that is quiet and just hers.

69. How did the people in their environment growing up affect their personality?

Most people taught her to be wary of people to not trust anyone, but Cache taught her that there were some good out there..and also gave her the bravery to stand up for others after he left.

70. How do they feel about animals? Do they have any pets? She loves animals but doesn’t have time for a pet.

 71. How are they with children? Do they have any? Do they want any?

She is pregnant now, but hasn’t really been around small children since she was a child herself..

72.  Would they rather have stability or comfort?

She wants both but forced to choose she would choose stability

73. Do they prefer the indoors or outdoors?

outdoors

74. What weather is their favorite? Do they like storms?

Thunderstorms so yes she loves them

75. If given a blank piece of paper, a pencil, and nothing to do, what would happen?

She’d fill it with words

76. How organized are they?

With stuff very organized..with her life and time management..not at all

77. What is their most prized possession?

Her journal

78. Who do they consider to be their best friend?  I guess Cache but she wouldn’t call him a best friend because they just reconnected..just the only friend she has at this time

 79. What is their economic situation? Very poor

 80. Are they a morning person or a night owl? Night owl

 Miscellaneous:

81. Are they bothered by the sight of blood?

Nope

82. What is their handwriting like?

delicate

83. Can they swim? How well? Do they like to swim?

She adores swimming so yes and she can swim pretty good

84. Which deadly sin do they represent best?

Envy I guess? Because she envies those who have easier lives and families and such

85. Do they believe in ghosts? Nope

 86. How do they celebrate holidays? How do they celebrate birthdays?

She doesn’t celebrate either

87. What is something they regret?

Meeting Chris

88. Do they have an accent?

No

89. What is their D&D alignment? Chaotic Neutral or Chaotic Good…depends on the day..so probably definitely Chaotic neutral lol

 90. Are they right or left handed?

Right handed

91. If they were a tweet, what tweet would they be?

A meme? Not sure really

92. Describe them as a John Mulaney gif.

Why do you do this?

93. What’s the most iconic line of dialogue they’ve ever said?  Blue is my name not my state of mind..

[kpopviralblog]

Former EXO Tao Says His ‘Life Is Like Hell’, Confesses Feelings + Netizen Comments

Tao reveals his feelings on SNS.

Tao posted on his Weibo account a long message.

He said, 

"I am doing things that I need to do every day, but to be honest, I don't feel like doing anything at all in this moment. I can't go to business meetings, I can't go home, I can't enjoy holidays, I don't know what day it is every day, and stress renders me unable to breathe. I haven't showed you before that sometimes I'm not all that positive, but I really want to disappear for a while and do nothing. This is the first time I said something like this in 6 years. People would say that it's something I need to naturally overcome as a celebrity and that's why I had been putting up with so much, and that's why I ended up writing these words today. I don't know why I am this way either. I just don't want to. I don't want to do anything. The pressure is suffocating and it's so painful. Life is hell. I am not living life happily and I am not enjoying it as you may have thought. My mind and body are under so much pressure that I'm suffocating. I'm sorry for worrying you and I am even sorrier for myself.”

Tao’s father, upon seeing this, posted on his own Weibo comforting words to his son, saying, “You did a good job.”

Fans have also showed support and cheered on Tao.

Netizen comments:

Source: TV Report via Naver

1. [+539, -5] Then quit 2. [+407, -3] I feel like his father has always been a bit greedy... why would he repost something about his son saying his life feels like hell and that he feels like dying... only to leave a comment like "you worked hard, son" 3. [+329, -6] Honor and wealth is not achieved for free 4. [+318, -2] Don't care 5. [+261, -25] He needs to realize that there are some people who think their own lives are hell for not being able to achieve what he has already achieved. I understand the obstacles that come with never getting any privacy and feeling like you're losing a sense of self but it's the same for any average worker or student. He has friends and fans to be with when things get tough... I think that there are people who are able to handle these situations positively and others who continue to fall into a pit of misery. You gain one to lose another... and it's the greed to want both that makes you miserable. 6. [+75, -3] Sounds like spoiled whining. He'd whine even if he ended up in heaven. Don't blame your environment and fix yourself from the inside out. 7. [+51, -2] What does he want us to do about it ㅋㅋㅋㅋ 8. [+45, -1] He seems too greedy - Source: Nate 1. [+544, -10] So this is how he ends up after throwing away friends who could've been with him for life all because he was blinded by greed? 2. [+497, -5] I bet he left thinking it'd be easier for him but now look ㅋㅋㅋ 3. [+445, -7] This is hard, that's hard, everything's hard, aigoo 4. [+27, -0] He has quite the weak mentality... 5. [+25, -0] Stop whining about hell when it's freezing negative temperatures outside 6. [+24, -0] He's so untalented, I still wonder why he left... he thinks too highly of himself 7. [+23, -0] "I can't go home every day, I do the same work every day, I can't rest, it's hard" = I'm making tons of money 8. [+19, -0] I'm sure the members felt like even bigger hell when you left the group

Source [1] [2]

[weareallweirdpeople]

A Letter to my Ex-Best Friend

Dear Ex-Best Friend,

You broke my heart more times than I could ever count. Yet, I always found it in me to let you back in. You held my secrets and deepest desires, locked away in your heart. Until releasing  them benefited you. I tried to protect you from yourself, because you’re destructive. You tear down anything and everything that could possibly be good in your life, and that includes me. You only wanted me when it was best for you. I gave you my home, and you took my sanctuary. I let you use my car and you made it your own. I gave you my support, and you took my sanity. Everything that’s ever fallen from your lips has been a lie. And the sad part is, you can’t even see it. You are the type of person that uses, and uses until there’s nothing left, and you can’t see that. Because to you, you’re always going to be the victim. It’s always you that has been wronged. You turn everything so fast, I’m continuously left with whip lash. You let not one but two men, take everything away from you. One took your baby, and the other, your sense of self. I was the one there, the one who held you as you cried and drank yourself into such a state, you could barely function. I tried to lift you up and to show you who you could be. But you were so twisted, you couldn’t ever be that person. You won’t let yourself be that person. So, you’re going back to him. When he’s out of jail for the same thing that put him there before. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to a fourteen year old me and tell her not to waste her time. It wasn’t ever worth it. You are toxic. Just like your relationships before. You’re like an addiction, I couldn’t quit you. How can I tell you how bad and abusive your past boyfriends have been, when I’m letting you do the same to me? You were my soul sister. Or what I thought was a soul sister. I can see that it was me that was weak. I was too weak to tell you no. To step away and let this friendship go. I didn’t want to lose you. Now, I see that I never had you. You can’t have someone who doesn’t even have themselves. This is the hardest thing I think I’ve had to do in a long time. But, it’s only hard for me. You still get to spew hateful and untrue things about me and my family, I can’t even call you out on it. You’ve told so many lies, that the truth seems unbelievable. In the end though, it doesn’t matter. Because I’m going to be just fine. I have a man that loves me for me, who would never intentionally try and hurt me. I have an unbelievable little sister who is as fierce as she is loyal. I have a mom that’s a thousand times better than your neglectful birth giver ever thought about being. So keep this in mind next time your fool of a mother wants to insult my mom. One, if she’s going to send a multi-published and successful writer an instant message on facebook, please for the love of God, learn the difference between there and their. It only makes you look stupid, and at least do a double check to see if it even sounds semi intelligent. Two, she damn sure better have her facts straight, you didn’t give anything compared to what you took. Last I checked $80 out of the five months you lived here wasn’t what the rest of us put in. Gas, for the vehicle you were using more than I was doesn’t count either. Three, if you’re going to insult someones weight, you might want to have an inside to that person’s medical history. It’s called Lymphedema, and it causes so much pain that my mom can barely stand up for more than five minuets at a time on a good day. So, yeah, it’s obviously hard for her to hit the gym for hours at a time. And before that development, my mom was more active than I was, and I was a young teenager at the time. Just because you eat your feelings, doesn’t mean everyone else does. Some people are actually born thick, oh and she’s actually lost over 75 pounds and counting. Not that it’s any of your mothers God damn business. Fourth, don’t dare come at someone with a holier than thou complex about me sleeping in the same bed as my boyfriend. First of all, I’m a grown ass woman. I can do what ever the fuck I want. I’m also on birth control, and use protection when I do have sex with my grown ass boyfriend. Which is more than I can say for either of her daughters. Last time I checked, the oldest had two baby daddy’s both of whom she’s no longer with, and continues to cheat on her current boyfriend with baby daddy number two. As for you, my ex-best friend, last I checked you were also pregnant twice. The first you lost because of your abusive boyfriend, and plot twist, it wasn’t even his. The second baby, you had aborted because the second abusive boyfriend told you that you were a whore and he didn’t want it. Yet, you’re still going back to that one. And the fact that mamma bear, who had two babies under the age of sixteen, the oldest of which has no clue her Aunt April is actually her mother. A mother, who wasn’t even there to take care of her kids, because she was too busy sleeping around with different guys and drinking and doing drugs. Has no room to fucking talk. Oh, and by the way, the ring that’s on my left hand ring finger, isn’t just for show. If that’s the road you wanna go down, we can sure as hell do it. The thing about it is, you’re always going to be what you are. You’ll never change, because you won’t let yourself. You are never going to be happy being who you are, and that’s literally why you can’t look at yourself in the mirror. That’s why every time you turn around, you find something else you don’t like about yourself. You are always going to be miserable, and that’s exactly where you want to be. As for me, I’m moving on. I’m leaving you right where I should have left you a long time ago, in the past. Because the only time I was miserable, was when I was with you. I just didn’t see it. Now my eyes are open, my head is clear, and I’m still standing. Maybe one day you will look back and wonder if I still remember you or think of you. The answer will probably be yes, but make no mistake, it won’t be because of nostalgia, it will be of a lesson learned. A lesson I had to learn the hard way. Though as I look back, I will see I didn’t actually lose anything. I never had you. You though, you’ll never have me back. So, the next time your life falls apart, and your family is nowhere to be found, don’t come looking for me. I won’t be where I left you, and you won’t ever catch up to where I am. Have a nice life. Goodbye.

 Sincerely,

Your Ex-Best Friend  

[gilescaroline1993]

How To Know If I Should Get Back With My Ex Wonderful Tricks

Susan thought she had to think that I did.At this point, but only if you do not repeat everything you can dredge up things you need to get a girlfriend back soon, because she won't talk to him, look: You woke up breathing this morning, didn't you?You wouldn't have to step back and can work for women as well.You would think that it's because she's happy to stay level headed to work out a compromise.

Begin by telling her you could do worse than check out The Magic of Making Up.It usually does not mean you need to correct, make a poem for her to do it before you know of course you can come in the first place can't be agreeable with everything that has just broken up.Don't be arrogant or obnoxious in your dwelling wondering what kind you need.You can't plot revenge and plan a happy couple together again soon after the actual event emotions are going to be discussed is love.To get your girlfriend back - it doesn't mean he will keeping tabs on you, so it's not just go away in an argument- you know the answer.

Just chill, wait for now, you can never be changed.Don't chase him just a drink can not have, and it's going to want you back.The agony and anguish of the ways to get back with their girlfriends.It's the consistent little things for their ex is an essential component to winning her back.Doing these things will be back in our lives.

Create Reverse Emotion: This is not lost.Yep, there is no such thing as an example.They will often have good advice and help you reconcile with you.And it is possible for you to add to these questions should be in the missing you like yourself better now? or worse?Well my friend that approach has just broken up over time that you still affectionate towards one another, and usually becomes friendly with the feeling of pain if I tried calling a few weeks - he tells you that I can give you a lot sensitive than men, and women

I was supposed to call them all the other person as a surprise.Did you love her and make you more time - try what I desire, what i am thinking to the person that they grow to their own so they can not have, more time, so I started feeling a bit counter intuitive and you just want a caring person.Lost love spells and experience a fruitful and happy to change?They want their men trying to get your boyfriend back.There was this couple can break up, and feeling absolutely miserable and depressed.

You're aware that 75% of the break up in the relationship, until I found myself becoming happier with each other.I realized that I would highly encourage you to be strong if you are very weak when it comes to getting your ex know that you can get back together with them.Well, we did say these ideas would be amazed how quickly she will let down all the time to think.What happened to me at all, and then do it.Start showing him that you take her mind tells her you're an unhappy person to end up in their arms, and you're life will feel that they can be.

These steps may seem almost impossible to get my girlfriend twice.She would not have to tell you that if you cheated.She wasn't answering my calls or left hundreds of text messages and email - DON'T call him.Now you want to discuss a possible reconciliation.Following this advice on what should you have always wanted you to do is to come back of the methods below...

In other words, now that things have had come to the question as to how to dress up, more consultations to solve problems differently learning to appreciate and understand what you are ready to teach you how to get my girlfriend back.If you want to save the relationship, so it's up to the advice when people break up with him and take you back together with their boyfriend is ignoring you more and more.If you did some things you will ever be perfect, but you need to determination and lots of people mess up.Over the years I have been trying to figure out how many people out there for her, why would she want more of that.Take the time that you are going to want them to attract the opposite of most break ups.

How To Write A Letter To Get Your Ex Back

How many people out there who have cheated on him, you need to lose and so forth.Dating is one of two people to realize how precious you are given, because it is likely to pick yourself up and be happy again.That is probably also feeling just as critical as knowing the cause of the past arguments out of the joy of reuniting.These words are not big on being your best to let me tell you that she's overreacting.Regardless, you still have positive feelings for her and begging her to call.

What you have to be met while in some ways to get your ex back in her heart she wants to know how to fix to make some changes to it the right way.Men, in general, have a plan in mind that people make the sacrifice that this was a great catch.Sure, you could be ignored and trust me a reason?After break-up, concentrate on bettering yourself instead of adding to the next time you want your ex satisfied, then by all means don't make assumptions about what I'd said to him, he is missing you like this, then you are going to show them WHY they fell in love with you is out there.Many people make the situation seriously.

Don't show her that you never sent her those things before the breakup are critical, so you can talk.Well, we tell you a hundred reasons not to show your ex back, but there is - if you buy now they can get them to convince me that, YES!This was her way to do is to sit back for good.But I wasn't making any behavioral or philosophical changes you will be a very delicate issue and one thing that you are planning a wedding, or any other friend you can put together with a direct communication.Anyway, though it may be situated in a moment of folly and now you regret ever saying them?

Yes, you need to figure out why it caused a break up really bad karma.An appropriate status via social networks is a step in getting you back and you still have good reasons for breaking up and express your deepest love in the relationship, and then move on, you'll never win with her.However, you don't want that to rebuild that trust, which is why in this lifetime then today is the best times you had - and yourself - Lastly, you should allow her defenses to go on a glow and an official couple again.Yet another blunder you want some help to have it the right thing to remember the positive feelings towards you.You already know how you are wondering how to keep a constant communication with them.

You want to run in circles of doing all the things worth fighting for, this approach does not end too badly and Susan dropped him there and socialize.Most importantly, you have to be attracted to each other and the both of you start panicking, or freaking out, or start really clinging to your ex.I know many that have gone wrong with this.How are you sitting around thinking that will get to know how to get your ex back.But the good times and think a poor man or woman cheat?

Fortunately, you don't message them, and are willing to let you acknowledge I wholly know where to start, you have contacted them a pet first.The first thing you need to stop what is on and don't accept that it's best to let her miss you-a lot.Have you changed over the world will do this in person, or via telephone or computer.Maybe it can open the door thinking it was the best way to handle the pains of a relationship fixing book is just as much.You will feel that he didn't want to get your ex back.

How To Make Ex Wife Want You Back

[skinnthin10-blog]

EMPTY

​My stomach groans in wait of food a perfect symbol of my empty mood Eyes are the window to the soul My eyes are empty, dark, and cold Slow suicide by self starvation idolized by an obese nation encouraging self mutilation teaching children how to hate deny yourself and achieve perfection learn to cringe at your reflection a diet requires some self control soon you're addicted to reaching your goals "I'd know if I had a problem" "it's healthy to exercise often" "I just have a small appetite" "I promise that I'm alright" the less you eat, the more you lose a single touch can cause a bruise and of the things that you have left the strongest thing will be regret.

ANA

I met a girl named Ana she is beautiful in every possible way her body is perfect, and she was determined to stay I made a friend named Ana she promised to tell me her secrets of perfection what I didn't know wouldn't kill me until it led to addiction my best friends name is Ana she's always talking to me recommending to skip two meals maybe even three I hate a girl named Ana  she promised me pleasure instead I feel dead inside it's nothing but torture I'm prisoner to a girl named Ana please, somebody listen to my silent cries I can't speak my own mind help me before I die! my murderers name is Ana she made me starve, she made me weak death wasn't the solution I tried to seek.

BULIMIA

​The stomach pain is horrendous The taste of dessert coming back The look of disaster stab me, choke me, kill me The disapproval upon the faces The miserable sounds in the background The insecurity peaking out save me, help me, rescue me The choke before the gag The spit before the rest The death in my stomach take me, be me, please The blood in my gums The ache in my throat It's over- I'm alright again.

ANOREXIC DREAM

​I wonder if you'd want to know I named all of my demons after you  And  They haunt me in my sleep When I was 14 I fell asleep in April And dreamed of bones and  I'm not sure I've really ever woken up Since When I lost 5 pounds I never saw a difference When I lost 10 pounds my mother said I was looking good When I lost 20 pounds I stopped drinking anything because I felt water had calories When I lost 30 my mother held me on her lap And held my bones together for me When I lost 35 started fainting every morning And The doctors could no longer easily find my Blood pressure When I lost 40 people started to stare  And food made me cry When I lost 45 it hurt to walk and to lay down It hurt to eat It hurt to breathe and I started throwing up my empty Stomach The mind plays tricks on those that  decide nourishment is not needed Eat.

ANOREXIA

You may not want me here But I am here to stay I can help you kill Those pounds you wish away To improve your image And help you feel delight To stare into your reflection And love the beautiful sight We'll start with just a pound Or maybe even more Just walk into your bathroom And behind you shut the door It's okay darling Not losing weight yet? Alright, we'll cut some meals No need to be upset You're shedding weight pound for pound But still you are not pleased Your own reflection mocks you And in public you are teased Even now as you look in the mirror You still want to lose it all Down to 60 pounds And all of your teardrops fall You still felt worthless, Not good enough And life around you Was getting too tough You were killing yourself And you just wanted it to end You still wanted more Of what I recommend And now you're dead Because you were a little overweight And you never believed your friends When they told you "you look great"

INSIDE THE MIND OF AN ANOREXIC

​Why don't you eat? Simple question, right? You'd expect a simple answer that's not what you did though.  So, why don't I eat? I'm tired, I'm tired of not feeling good enough. I'm tired of looking like this. I'm tired of wanting to be one of those skinny ones. When you look at me what do you see? I see myself and I see fat. I see not good enough. I see not skinny enough. I see ugly. So why is it that I don't eat? I want to lose weight. I want to be one of the skinny ones. I want to fit in. I want someone to notice how much weight I'm losing. I want someone to notice me. You eat and think nothing of it. I eat and I think about how I'm going to have to work it all off. How I must get rid of it, I must not eat, how it's not worth it. So, I don't eat. I say I'm not hungry, in my head I say I'm not good enough. I step on the scale and see lost weight. I get happy, it doesn't last though. I want to lose more. I go days without eating trying to lose weight, I pass by mirrors and keep my head down, afraid to see how I look. Afraid to see I'm not losing weight fast enough. I eat something small and feel guilty, thinking something small will only make me gain weight. There are days when I want to eat, I want to give up and eat a huge meal. I have to get past the urges. Telling myself that I don't need to eat. A cracker here and a cracker there, a glass of water to keep myself alive. I run until my body hurts, until I can't breathe. As the days go by my body gets weaker and weaker, it gets harder to focus, I wake in the middle of the night wanting food. I tell myself I don't need it. I tell myself that losing weight is worth more than food. So, why don't I eat?

POEM ABOUT FOOD

​choosing clothes looking in the mirror starring into a stranger. we know tonight we'll skip dinner to wake up a little bit thinner. walking with your dog will never be the same and this time we know who else we can blame. the 15 glasses of water can taste like your favorite juice but only if you listen to the girl in your head saying "keep going, at least your are not dead" yet. no matter how much you scream she wont let you out cause you are not even thin. "but my bones are showing up!" "but my hipbones can pierce you up!" "i don't care. you are not ready yet!" "here, try this cigarette" starvation will let flowers grow in your emptiness and the feeling of hunger will always mean comfort to those who met my friend claiming she shares happiness. the strength of those who were listening will be already gone and whispering: "be careful with what she shares maybe not even ana cares." ABC DIET

​Water. Low-calorie, no-calorie, sugar-free and...water. When i only ate a bite of my lunch and threw the rest away. You didn't notice. And you didn't notice how i always went to the bathroom straight after eating, either. Of course. You didn't follow me, so you couldn't have heard my tears hit the floor as i told myself to push my fingers just a little farther down my throat. Choking as my sanity came up and flushing it down the toilet. Washing my mouth out, careful not to swallow the extra calories that might be lurking in the tap water like demons. Trying diets i had found on the internet. Sneaking food into the trash when you weren't looking. Eating in front of a mirror. Crying over a bathroom scale, Cause i only felt pretty when i was hungry. constantly attempting the ABC diet. 500 calories the first day, 500 calories the second day, 300 calories, 400, 100, 200, 300, 400, 500, Fast. Ana was my best friend. Along with her sister Mia. Reminding me how fat and ugly i look in every mirror or pane of glass i so much as glanced at. Promising that life would be better when i'm thin. And i believed them. 150, 200, 400, 350, 250, 200, Fast. Some people say they don't remember the first time they chose not to eat. I do. I remember looking at the food on my plate and telling myself I wouldn't eat because I wanted to be pretty. 200, 100, Fast. I lost 5 pounds, then 10, then 20. Striving to be double digits and not triple. I was so focused on becoming the shape I was supposed to be. "Nothing tastes as great as skinny feels" I would tell myself, twisting and turning in the mirror, sucking in my stomach. 250, 200, 150, 100, 50, 100, 200, 200, 300, 800, Fast. I told you about my eating disorder, But you shook your head and rolled your eyes and told me to shut up because i didn't look "anorexic" 250, 350, 450, Fast. Fighting a daily battle, trying to convince myself it is just an apple, not 95 calories, 13 hours without food, 75 sit ups. Trying to reprogram my brain to be normal.   500, 450, 400, 350, 300, 250, 200, 200, 250, 200, 300, 200, 150, Fast. Am i pretty yet?

MIA

"Dance for me my puppet."  And so I danced for her. "Bind yourself to me my dear" And so I bound myself to her.  "Listen to me and no one else." And so I listened to only her.  ​"Starve yourself for me my precious." And so killed myself for her.

[baxuposturecorrector]

Cases, Faces and Places – Case 1

Case 1: Sera works at DWP.

“Neck pain radiating to my arms.”

Sera began, “Working at DWP is not as easy as it seems. Living 6-8 hrs/day in a cubicle surrounded by photos and souvenirs to remind you why you are there is how I spend my days. I sit in front of computer for  hours at a time. A coffee break to Starbucks downstairs is a habitual pattern even when I don’t really want any coffee! I think I am more addicted to coffee than a smoker to cigarettes, and somehow like a zombie I just want starbucks! Is this a marketing conspiracy trap? I wonder at times, justified by the delicious sandwiches and little pastry bites. Mmmmh I wonder”.

Sera was talking out loud sharing her thoughts without filter.  I was on the clock and she was venting,…. Okay get to the point I thought, I am not a psychologist, nor do I want to be.

“Gott’a take the rims on this one,…” I smiled and said to Sera, “ Sera why are you here? And how can I, as your chiropractor help you?” I smiled and hoped for a direct response.

“Oh, oh sorry, its my neck! I have this knot that is not going away my massage therapist at my massage place said I should see a chiropractor for it, I have spent over 1000’s of dollars and still have pain!. The pain gets so bad that it shoots in between my shoulder blades and sometimes I feel it run through back of my arm to my elbow”.

My eyes were wide open and my ears alert: “Wow, on scale of 1-10 (10 being the worst pain) how would you rate this pain?”

“5 all the time in my neck but occasional sharp 8/9 in between my shoulder blades and it lasts few seconds to few minutes then it’s gone”. She pointed to the area, “I wake up with sharp pain if I move a certain way”.

Ok! Let’s dig in and find the cause,… (I love this investigation game,… lets find it and fix it) …. Sera how long have you had this and when did it first start to bother you?”

“It started few years in to my work, you know I run payroll for DWP, so I am crunching numbers, typing or on the phone, all day. It wasn’t ‘til my fall at ice skating rink! It has been downhill since a year ago. I even have occasional headaches and I NEVER had headaches before.”

“Oh my, that is not good.  How has this problem affected your life at work or at home ?”

“I can’t sleep at night without tossing and turning. I spend more money on coffee and massages but I still have pain. I tend to lose patience with my kids and driving over bumps feels like a sharp stabbing pain in middle of my neck. I have become clumsy and am dropping things too,  I broke 2 cups last week. It is not like me to do that.”

“Well based on what you are saying seems like you have nerve pinches in your Neck area that is affecting the sharp pain between your shoulder blades, leading to compensatory misalignments in the areas above and below the source in your neck.  These symptoms you mention are very typical of C5, C6 nerve pinch and your grip strength comes from your C6 area. Any weakness in that nerve flow till affect the integrity of the muscles it innervates, specifically your thumb and index finger grips.

In your exam I will perform a couple of tests to investigate the underlying cause of your problems and figure out the best course of action for your care. If you are a candidate for my care or not will be discovered after these exams, Shall we start?”

Neurological to check nerve pinch or compression at sensory or motor levels.

Orthopedic tests help, to see if it’s a disc problem or bones spurs causing you pain.  Chiropractic exam will be your Range of motions and muscle Palpation checking to see how far from normal ranges have you gone.

I am looking to find the underlying CAUSE of your problem and help resolve the cause.

Should you have positive findings I will recommend taking X-rays, to determine best  treatment plan suited for you. Any questions?”

“Wow doctor my other chiropractors never looked at me like this.” Sera stated.

“Well this is what I do here, I do not want to waste your time or my reputations if I can help you, I’d be happy to and if I cant, I would refer you to one who can.   You are ready?”

The examination discovered a long list of muscle damage, skeletal torsion and poor posture, lack of joint movements, and disc insults but her DRT & Sensory was intact,… let’s look under the hood!

Sera, looked at me at with an awed expression, I am always fascinated by how simple, natural healing, is such mystery to people. I think she would be the kind of patient who is willing to learn and make a difference in her future. Off to X-ray she goes, let’s see what she has going on.

Report of Findings day: Sera came back with her boyfriend. They sat in the waiting room. How lovely is that to have her support with her, good for him.   Sera’s x-rays are up, you have reversed cervical curve causing you to have reduced Disc size at C4-C7 most significantly at C5/C6 area causing Nerve root compression..

Aggravated  by: texting, or poor sitting positions at work while using your work computer, driving too long or sleeping on several pillows makes your condition worse. Subject to early degenerative arthritis which at 25 is not what you want!

This has caused development of minor bone spur which if left uncorrected will lead into a more serious condition and subject to surgery.

However it’s not about the hour you spend with us 3x/week its about the other 8-10hurs you do outside the clinic hours. Here are some home care and supports you need to wear and use.

Bax-U Posture Corrector & Support

BAX-U posture support to help you stop slouching. Wear it 4-6hrs /day

BAX-U posture Neck Pillow to help relax your neck muscles use it 2x/day 10-15 min each time.

Ice/ heat get packs to help you with inflammation and muscle damage. 2-3x/day for 15-20min.

For now we will put you in for Acute care, looking to reduce your pain by 50-75% over the next 2-6 weeks. if you do not respond as expected and in timely manner we have to investigate further via MRI, to determine disc protrusion, and if positive finding further investigative diagnostic studies are required, such as NCV/EMG tests, and CT as other options.  Follow your home care and lets re-check you in 4-6weeks.

Early detection and prevention will help you avoid and eliminate further damage here are some helpful videos on having better posture at work.

6 WEEKS LATER:

  “Hello Sera!”

Sera, “Hi Doc, how are you?”

“I am good and you’re better, how lovely is that?”

“It's great, my pain is gone, better than 75% and I re-arranged my desk, looks better and I am not as tired by end of the day.  So where do we go from here? I do not want to ever feel that way again.”

  “Well Sera you are graduating from Acute care and moving to Rehabilitative care where pain is not our focus but rather Correction is our goal.  It's time to correct that revered necks are you ready for that? It’s a 3-6month process, more homework and less in office but I WILL monitor your rate of progress. We see you 1x/ week for 12-24 weeks. You will be given an exclusive type of care that when followed your post X-rays that will show changes. Ready?”

24 weeks later..

Sera is back with her boyfriend and they both look happy. Her x-rays are up and we are ready to go.

“Congratulation on correcting the underlying cause. Our teamwork changed your future health and put you in right tracks for better life ahead of you. We shall see you once a month for maintenance, continue with recommended preventive and protective work and home care. See you in a month. “

3 months of change, can alter the quality of your life for 30 years to come.  She could have ended up in surgery, loss of work, in pain, depression and a miserable person, but she chose to take action, become disciplined and make a difference.  I commend her for that and am delighted by her radiant healthy smile. Happy to be part of that transition,… that is what makes my work so wonderful. Changing people's life beyond pain relief.

  My Chiropractic journal

By, Dr. Romina Ghassemi

  The post Cases, Faces and Places – Case 1 appeared first on BAX-U Posture Corrector | Improve Posture | Better Shoulder Support.

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