#(which also isn't healthy but at least it helped her get out of her depression so-)

[flightfoot]

Sometimes I feel really salty about how out of the loop Adrien is.Okay, so they don't want Adrien and Marinette to know each other's identities for drama's sake. I get that. But why is it that Marinette has half a dozen (and counting) people who know her identity? Isn't that security breach more dangerous considering that she's the guardian and has the Miraculous that can fix everything after the battle? Why does Adrien have to remain isolated? Why is his only support system Plagg? Why should even Felix and Nathalie be on Marinette's side instead of supporting him? Why is it that loneliness, depression and the tension of hiding his identity are given less weight with him?

I'd say Adrien should go crazy, but that's the excuse they've used to keep him in the dark. Maybe if someone told him something in a controlled environment instead of in moments of tension He might have time to process and deal with things in a healthy way.Sometimes it feels like Adrien is inside a glass box, unable to interact and really get angry even though wow, the boy is certainly going through things And I just want him to break that box. Not to be rescued because at the moment of truth Nathalie, Felix and Kagami remained silent and LB decided to make the same decisions as Gabriel.

Adrien urgently needs an emancipation arc

I've got to agree with you there. It makes sense that Marinette's under a lot of stress when she can't tell her friends about her secret identity, and that her actually being able to tell people that secret, talk things out with them, and not have to lie to them, helps to alleviate that. I get that.

But dammit, Adrien ALSO has to keep things secret. He ALSO has a lot he's going through - more than Marinette even, especially now, with his dad dead! Let the stress and anguish HE goes through take center stage for a bit, and let HIM have a confidant. I'm really hoping that he at least gets to talk to Luka a bunch, but I doubt that'll actually happen. Dammit, Kagami doesn't even know that Adrien actually had very good reason to lie and ditch her, unlike Luka, who's fully aware of why Marinette had to do that.

I can sort of see WHY Marinette made the decision she did, and why Nathalie, Kagami, and presumably Felix are going along with it, but dammit, I'd like for Adrien to actually be treated as an equal and not some dainty princess in a tower. That trope gets old no matter which gender it's actually being applied to.

I'd love if Adrien actually found out the truth and people realized that they actually need to tell him things.

[tonguetiedraven]

So I was cleaning up a few manga panels for my other blog, and darn it, I need to talk about my thoughts on two scenes in the Shimane Illuminati arc (specifically chapters 61 and 62) because Kato deserves all the applause for everything. This post will be for chapter 61 and I'll post 62 later.

TW/CW for character death, medical abuse, and mental health struggles. Content below the cut.

First, in chapter 61 we get this heart breaking page when Tamamo Kamiki dies.

To get into what I'm seeing with this panel, I need to give a brief (or I'll try and make it brief) overview of Tamamo. Tamamo gets introduced to us in chapter 52 and the first panel we get of her is her sobbing into the camera that everyone acts so cold towards her because she is sleeping with the head priest and not married to said high priest.

We are then told that she was an irresponsible and careless woman by Mike. We find out three really important things though.

Tamamo is judged by the people around her and gets a cold shoulder

Tamamo relies heavily on her daughter and the byakko to have the house run at all and has dreams of a fantastic family and house she has shown no ability to actually run.

Tamamo is in love with the (shitty) Chief Priest of Inari and that he isn't married to her.

We then find out:

That Tamamo and her entire line have always managed the terrifying and unruly Nine Tails by assimilating the god and becoming her, and that the town/shrine distrust her because of that, even though she does it to protect them. They ostracize her for the duty her family has and they judge the entire family because she had Soji's children.

Notice Soji isn't in the judged club and that Soji has never seen his daughters. He's never been to her house. It is always her going to him.

This theme of ostracization is something that pops up over and over and over again in Blue Exorcist. Almost all of the main characters had a childhood that was lonely and where they were rejected by their peers--almost always for things outside their direct control and almost always in someway connected to demons, even if they didn't know it, but I'll get to that more in a moment. Suffice to say, at this point we can see that Tamamo is isolated outside of her illicit meetings with Soji (not at all healthy as we'll see later on) her interactions with the demons around her, and her daughters, neither of which are old or mature enough to offer her the type of companionship she's in need of, which leads to everyone in this tangled dynamic having unhealthy relationships with each other.

We see Tamamo seeking connections and affections and largely being rebuffed by it everywhere except Tsukumo and the byakko. Soji's affection has strings attached, and Izumo is too fed up to offer any affection. The other members of the shrine ostracize her and give her a cold shoulder, and I'd bet money that they're vocal about their opinions any time she's around. (And they likely don't care if the kids are around or not.)

What I'm getting at is that Tamamo is lonely and you see that in how desperate she is for approval and connection and it mostly comes out with Soji. She does whatever he wants to keep her connection to him intact. We've also had a few indications thus far in the manga that isolation and depression and poor mental health are things demons take advantage of. We'll get more explanation on that later on, but suffice to say that Tamamo is not at all in a healthy spot to be constantly risking possession against an immensely powerful and evil demon.

I'll be honest and clear up front that I have no love for Soji and think him deplorable and he did not do anything to help Tamamo that we see. Rather, it seems he exclusively used her for his own pleasures without any care for her or the consequences their time together had.

I also think it's important that everyone know that Nine Tails -- at least the Nine Tails in this story -- is based of Tamamo no Mae who is an infamous yokai in Japanese lore. She has a long and complicated history with her origins unknown and a lot of political manipulation, but an important thing to know about her is that she is always depicted as a child eater. She devours women as well, and thrives on seducing men. She's beautiful and powerful and alluring, and she's manipulative.

So generations of women manipulated and regularly partially possessed by Nine Tails down the line, we have a shrine and town that reject Tamamo and her losing her grasp on the one adult who 'likes' her, and we see this moment:

We see her staring at him, enjoying the light atmosphere and gathering her courage (the sweat drop in the panel has me thinking she's nervous about this because it's not the first time this convo has happened.)

She wants him to come to her house and is trying to make it as appealing as possible. She wants a family and the life she's been dreaming up.

Soji rejects the idea entirely and pushes further by saying if she asks for him to interact with the kids in any way he'll dump her. The one adult connection she has will be lost because of her children. (Not actually. It's because he's a dick but she sees it as the children being the problem.)

She then goes immediately to Nine Tails to do the dance of spirit invocation which we're told this about:

So Tamamo--who has been isolated and lonely for at least a large chunk of her adult life is now seeing the one connection she's made with another adult (and an unhealthy one at that) potentially break because of her children-- goes to assimilate the Nine Tails in that unstable and unhealthy emotional and mental state.

It is heavily implied that Nine Tails started to take her over at this point, and you see her become more and more obsessed with Soji and more angry with her children, further isolating herself away from the small amount of support and connection she did have until she's entirely possessed by the vengeful and malevolent spirit of Nine Tails.

She murders Soji and tries to do the same to her children before the Illuminati take her and subject her to years of torture, all while she's still possessed by the Nine Tails.

One more detail and I'll get back to the scene in chapter 61.

When Tamamo was last fully in control of her faculties and saw her daughter, she saw Izumo in the same place she was. Ostracized by her community with no one but their small family to lean on. Her daughter was doomed to follow the same path Tamamo had, and at this point, it looks like this was a cycle that had been going on for at least a few generations. Isolated and connection starved women raising daughters who were isolated and connection starved children. Tamamo became overly touchy and clingy to everyone where Izumo became mistrustful. (And man does she have a lot of reasons for that.)

Now back to chapter 61 and the moment Tamamo dies.

She wakes up amongst the chaos of the zombie hoard going towards possessed Izumo, and she immediately intervenes to get the Nine Tails spirit back inside herself to save her daughter.

That's important to understand for her. She moved before the next moment I'm going to talk about. She saw Izumo possessed and didn't seem to hesitate to save her daughter. She has been tortured for five years and immediately moves to start that horrible possession again.

But while she's dancing to contain Nine Tails in herself, this is going on in the background:

Each of the other teens in the room came to get Izumo and they're shouting their support of her even while they fight an endless hoard of zombies because they came to get her. Tamamo can hear that happening and she can see that they came to help Izumo.

No one came to help Tamamo. At no point did anyone ever come to rescue her or fight for her. She was blamed for everything and was left to bear all the consequences for five years. (I am not blaming Izumo for that. She was a child and was not responsible for saving her mother.)

But with "We're here for you!" ringing in Tamamo's ears, she completes the ritualistic dance and frees her daughter from the possession.

Tamamo in her dying moments looks at her daughter and sees a community around her that Tamamo didn't have. She sees people willing to intervene and help and fight even though Izumo is pushing them away and possessed and not easy to get along with.

Tamamo, from everything we saw, was isolated and rejected by her community and had no one to support her. She was manipulated and played by her significant other and left vulnerale to possession by a society that needed her to do the thankless job and hated her for doing the thankless job. She was bubbly and friendly and still pushed away and rejected and ostracized until she succumbed to Nine Tails.

back to chapter 52

Blue Exorcist talks a lot about curses and ostracization. All the main cast suffer from it in some way or another. They've all been called terrible things and most of them have been treated as if they aren't human, and a lot of them have complicated lineages and may not be fully human which just amplifies the amount they're rejected by their peers.

For Tamamo, that curse was literal and figurative. The literal curse was the constant absorption of an insane demon that eventually consumed her until she'd destroyed what little family she had.

It was figurative in that as the head priestess and medium in charge of the rituals, she was rejected by the community she needed to support her. She was left floundering on the outside, always given just a taste of what she could have had if she was born to a different family, and left with a longing for what she would never be given and always wondering why she couldn't have it. (And yes, I'm probably reading into some things and filling in the blanks with hypothesis and assumptions.)

But in that final moment, Tamamo sees that curse of isolation and rejection has been broken by Izumo. That her daughter, who like all the daughters of the Kamiki line was alone, is no longer alone. That she has friends and support. Support that followed her into this hell and reached out to call her back even from a demon like Nine Tails.

I don't know if I've made myself all that clear, but I love the way that Kato has shown this over and over again and keeps showing the rejection of isolation and ostracization as any kind of solution. That she keeps showing through each of these relationships and arcs that it's reaching for and connecting with other people that brings change and healing and hope, and I love how she shows that through moments like this. It's a little moment that's so easy to miss, but it's so immensely huge when looked at in the context of the entirety of Tamamo's life.

I wish she knew that they would have come for her if they'd known she'd been there all this time. I wish she'd have found a community to support her and I wish she'd had someone to tell her Soji was a dick and she could do better.

I wish she could see Izumo now, still connected to her friends and even though it's the end of the world, she's fighting with and beside them. That she's seeking out connections and learned her lesson about not needing to be alone. That she's teased and loved and welcomed.

But I'm pretty sure in that final moment, she saw it all anyway.

[beanghostprincess]

Sanji has helped me in so many ways. I will forever be grateful for the creation of this character. He quite literally means the world to me right now.

(TW: ED/Depression/Suicide attempt mention)

I've always struggled with food. Well, not always. But at the end of middle school (more or less. Give or take. Age 12/13) I became obsessed with what I ate. I still don't know exactly how it started, but I think it has always been a mix of my need to control my life when it's crumbling down and the necessity to look skinny (both things are my mother's fault, mostly. And also lots of things going on at the moment). So I started skipping meals constantly and throwing away food and throwing up. Not gonna get into details, but it ruined my life without anybody knowing until a huge depressive episode came and then I tried to off myself, yadda yadda yadda. Then I just stopped eating food and my meals every day were basically a monster and gum and maybe a piece of fruit. I couldn't even drink milk without crying. Then it got a bit better. Then a bit worse. It wasn't very consistent. And then I started doing exercise but that only made me even more obsessed with calorie intake and healthy food and I still can't drink milk or bread without at least feeling awful about it.

And then I watched One Piece.

I know it sounds extremely silly and dumb, but it has helped me in so many ways. I'm not gonna get into all the things it has done for me, because then I'd have to talk about Robin, Nami, Luffy, Pudding and Buggy which are, like, the characters that have helped me the most next to Sanji, and I would not finish this post.

But Sanji is just so, so important to me.

He speaks about food with such passion. His whole thing about not wasting food literally comes from an experience of starvation and because of the sacrifice his father made for him. He keeps saying he refuses to let people go hungry, no matter what. That we all deserve to eat. He relates food to love and cooking is his whole life. It kind of started as a joke when my brother said "nooo, now you can't waste food because Sanji would be sad" and I- That day I literally ate wayyy more than usual with that thought in mind. And I didn't feel bad afterward for once. And he's just- He just makes me feel so comfortable around food. Which is the normal amount of comfort somebody should have and sometimes it's not even that, but it helps. It helps so much.

Then his whole thing with Germa and the Vinsmokes. It killed me. My relationship with my mother is, uh, you can call it complicated but I fucking hate her so. Yeah. And Sanji's story about rejecting his blood relatives and finding better people who will love him hit so close to home. Him being different. Weak. More emotional. A good person. Sanji refusing to use the name Vinsmoke. It's my whole life. Sanji self-sabotaging himself all the time and constantly sacrificing himself, too? I just can't do it, man, he means the world to me. And then Wano happens and he turns out to have the same body as his siblings but he's still himself. He's still Sanji no matter how much in common he has with the Vinsmokes. And as somebody who's constantly dealing with people telling them that they look like their mom? I fucking love it. I know I look like her and I even act like her sometimes but that doesn't mean I am her. And it doesn't mean she deserves to be part of my family, because she isn't and I can't wait to get rid of her in my life.

It's not only food and family, though. Sanji has helped me accept myself in so many ways too. In the way I perceive others and in the way I act. He has helped me eat. He has helped me realize you don't have to consider your blood relatives family if you don't love them. He has helped me see that my kindness is a strength and not a weak spot.

Not to mention that his whole thing with gender and sexuality, how the fandom portrays him, and how I personally write him has been of so much help in understanding myself. I recently discovered I was a lesbian, and also being genderfluid I just- I just love Sanji so much I be projecting my gender issues and internalized stuff with comphet on him. And let me tell you, it helps.

This whole thing is just something short and sweet I wanted to say because media affects people. In the best of ways. One Piece in general has saved my life in many ways, but Sanji in particular is still helping me every day.

[uncloseted]

I adore your account about Cassie but i genuinely hate effy.. she is the least likable charcater in the show, i mean yeah her mental disorder affects how she acts but couldnt they make her more likable? All of the charcaters in the show had problems but they were still more likable than she is, if for example her depression was caused by seeing tony getting hit by a bus, freddie's mother killed herself but he was still a caring sweet person unlike her and a lot of charcaters has been through worse than her but she acts like shes the only person w troubles lmao, divorce is sooo common that it doesnt even give the person an excuse to be asshole, she literally held hands with freddie in class and kissed him then goes at the end of the episode and fuck his best friend, she didnt deserve him any bit.

she also goes on and hits katie with a rock out of self defense but then doesnt tell anything to anyone and goes to fuck freddie and leaves her there? Come on now. she somehow feels like a side character even though most charcaters in the show like her because her personality is so hollow and boring and incredibly flawed more than everyone in gen 2.

yeah kaya is gorgeous and effys style is amazing, but i feel like thats the only thing likable the charcater has, i think if she was bad looking no one would even like her even Freddie or cook, because thats the reason they all liked her from the beginning isnt it? Just her looks. And anyways why the hell she only befriends girls that guys arent usually into like panda and the girl in gen 1? Is it some thing to make her feel better about herself and not feel threatened? , because she was clearly not interested in any of them

Im so sorry for talking a lot, i genuinely love your account and your opinions though! And im interested to hear your opinion about this

No worries at all! I love when people write a lot. I don't think you're alone in finding Effy annoying, which is fine. But I think the fact that she isn't always likeable is one of the reasons why the way they portray her mental illness is so realistic. Mental illnesses are illnesses. By definition, they impact people's lives in a negative way and cause them to make decisions that they wouldn't make if they were healthy.

And Effy is no different. If you were living with the delusion that falling in love would cause otherworldly demons to break through from the other side and come torture you, you'd probably do whatever you can to push the person you're in love with away, too, you know? And with the Katie/rock situation, I think Effy doesn't totally remember or understand what happened until they can't find Katie the next day - either as a result of having been on drugs or (and this is what I believe) as a result of being in the middle of a psychotic episode. Once she realizes what happens, she does call an ambulance to find and treat Katie. Does it suck to do those things to another person? Of course. She could have killed Katie, and that's very real and very serious. But Effy can only act within the context of what she believes to be true, and her beliefs about the world are heavily influenced by her mental illness. A lot of the time, she's not really in a headspace where she can make decisions that are coherent to the outside world. And that means that she's coming from a very different place than someone like Tony, who does awful things to other people on purpose just to see what he can get away with. I've always seen her as someone who desperately needs help, and the tragedy of her storyline is that none of the people around her can provide her with the help that she needs.

I also want to talk for a second about mental illness. You said that, "all of the charcaters in the show had problems but they were still more likable than she is", but that's not really how mental illness works. While mental illness can, and often is, triggered by trauma, people with no history of trauma can also be severely mentally ill, and people with a history of trauma can be totally fine from a mental health perspective. For Effy, it seems like she was just kind of born that way. This is someone who stopped talking around the age of six and didn't start again until she was fifteen. That's hardly a person who's mentally stable, even before you account for Tony getting hit by a bus right in front of her, her mother developing depression and a pill addiction, essentially taking care of both her mother and Tony through their recovery processes, her parents having a messy divorce, and essentially being abandoned by both of them when she needs them most.

In terms of why people like her, I actually don't think it's just her looks. I think for Cook, that's maybe why he was interested in her to begin with, but for Freddie, I think he's more interested in the fact that she was willing to go up to a random stranger and lick ketchup off their face before walking away. I think Freddie means it when he says he wants to "get to know" her. To Freddie, Effy is exciting and different and kind of confusing, and he's just curious about who she is and why she acts the way that she does. And for Cook, while he starts out as being interested in Effy because of how she looks, I think he continues being interested because he idealizes Effy as this beautiful girl who will be his partner in crime and let him keep avoiding his problems. He sees her as someone who’s like him and who understands what he’s going through. And then for other people, I think they like her because she's mysterious and they want to figure her out, because her attention makes them feel special (since she doesn't often pay attention to other people) or her lack of attention makes them want to impress her, because she seems like she knows everything about them even though they know nothing about her, and just in general because she has a reputation for being fun. A person's looks can only get them so far, but their personality is why people stick around. I think a good example of that is Mini in the 3rd generation. She's absolutely beautiful, but she has a lot of trouble maintaining friendships and romantic relationships because her personality is hard to be around.

And then in terms of friends, I don't think she really chose to be friends with Julie (the girl from series 1) or with Pandora. Both of them just kind of decided they were going to be her friend and Effy didn't do anything to get rid of them. So I don't think it's Effy intentionally "[befriending] girls that guys arent usually into" or that it's "some thing to make her feel better about herself and not feel threatened", but rather that girls who are a little odd and maybe don't understand social cues are the only ones who will keep trying to hang out with her even though she's clearly not interested. And for what it's worth, I do think she loves Pandora very much, even if she's not always the best friend to Pandora. I think Effy feels like she can trust that Pandora isn't going to stop wanting to be her friend, no matter what happens, and that she really values Pandora's optimism and excitement for the world, since it's something that Effy doesn't naturally feel. Pandora is really important to her, which is why she's so hurt when Pandora sleeps with Cook, even though she doesn't actually care about Cook himself.

Like I said at the beginning, I don't think you have to like Effy, and I know a lot of people don't. But I think she's more complicated than people make her out to be and that she's not annoying for the sake of being annoying.

[astroyongie]

XG June Reading 2024

note: please take it lightly and have fun

Jurin

love: it seems like she is dating someone at the moment. This is someone older than her and they have been around ehr for quite some time. despite the age difference it does seem to be a serious relationship

career: she is super happy with her current idol life situation. She believes that they have the good amount of fame for their music, they have good company 8in her opinion) and the money is also well earned. overall she is happy 

self: she has been focused a lot on her own goals and on her own abilities. It feels like Jurin wants to push forward and show the world her capacities on a bigger scale. 

Chisa

love: chisa also is dating at the moment, this one person seems to be someone she works with but they aren't an idol. yet they are someone that has been able to bring her quite some comfort inside the company and insider her career 

career: she is equally happy with how things are going. Chisa believes that she is able to have the perfect harmony between being an idol and having a private life without being disrespected. she is happy 

self: despite all of that, she still struggles with her past anxieties and depression that has been going on for quite some years. she is having help for that, but there’s days where it can be quite complicated 

Cocona

love: she too, is in a relationship with the same person i have been picking up from my past readings on XG. So far things seem to be going well for her and she is just living her life according to how she wants. 

career: another member to be quite happy with how her career is going, since she has the freedom to choose what she wants to show to the public. Cocona is also very creative and she will have the opportunity to cast out her talents for the public thanks to her sponsor 

self: her health however seems to be a little more on the downside. She probably feels weak or has some issues when it comes to having heavy headaches. she just need to watch for those 

Hinata

love: Hinata is equally in a relationship and she is equally super happy with how things are going. This person and her have quite a healthy relationship and things seem to be doing well. In such cases, I don't have much to say about them. 

career: She is very hardworking and she has been doing her best in order to show the best side of herself when she is on stage. Hinata is someone who is very resilient yet has strong boundaries. everything that she shows to her fans seem to be at least 75% genuine 

self: she is fine health wise but she is also super happy overall. This girl is bright as the sun which I find ironic due to her name. 

Maya

love: Maya is actually single. She came out of a complicated relationship where there was a lot of toxic behavior happening through her partner. it seems to have taken a lot of weight from her shoulders but the pain of events that have happened to her, are still haunting her sleep

career: so far she seems to be the only one to be frustrated with how her life is going. she probably would want more for XG and she thinks that the company are delaying them and not allowing them to be more known due to certain restrictions 

self: her mental health isn't the best. she has a lot of negative and neglecting thoughts about herself and others, she restricts herself a lot from things in life (food for exemple) and she also has a very victim mind which does not help her 

Juria

love: she is single and enjoying her life. Juria is the type of girl that know she power and also privilegiate her friendships. so she has her side pookies but she doesn't have a main one since she doesn't want to get attached. she also has been spending most of her time gossip and be around people she cares/friends

career: she is so happy about her career, she is so hopeful that XG will be able to have a bigger influence as time passes. She believes that her group has the capacity for that. she also seem to have a very good career ahead of her 

self: her health however seems to be a little weak/fragile. she often tries to become too perfect which can impact her negatively. Juria also needs to be careful with her boredom that could lead to her making harsh decisions 

Harvey

love: this girl is single after coming out from a harsh breakup. At the moment there's still a lot of regret and disappointment about what has happened. she feels like she has failed this relationship, almost like she blames herself form benign abandoned by her partner 

career: she is feeling very anxious about things, about people's opinion of her and just working overall. Although she feels blessed to have such good opportunities, she often wonders if this is the right path for her. 

self: she has been self isolating a lot, she hasn't been communicating with people about her feelings and i feel like she isn't okay overall. harvey also feel like she has lost her spark in her energy 

[wetcatspellcaster]

hello! i have a question about finding time to write because i have an idea for an astarion fic but it's my first year in my ph.d. program and i am DROWNING IN WORK AND READINGS. how did you do this AND work on your dissertation? (also congrats on that!!! that's massive!!!)

hello, anon, congratulations to YOU on your phd programme!! many felicitations on the continuing of your education.

I took a while to reply to this, bc I'm not sure if I'm the best person to ask this question. my personal answer is 'hyperfixate on the dopamine source so, so hard until you burnout, and then feel guilty bc you haven't updated in ages (I'm currently one week since an update), and then let that guilt become your new motivator! :D'

...which doesn't seem very healthy. and definitely impacts my ability to answer the question in a way that is actually helpful.

so i don't have an answer, but my honest pieces of advice are below the cut.

idk what kinda PhD you are doing, but if it's a humanities, in my experience, there are dips and lulls. first year is always a bit hectic bc the imposter syndrome is high and you feel like you're treading water to stay afloat. but things will get so much easier, and will in fact go through peaks and troughs! in 2nd and 3rd year, i had months without any work at all. wait for a trough to do some drafting. if you're currently really struggling, then just sketch as detailed an outline as you can in a document when the idea is fresh, and then you can return to it in dribs and drabs when you have a spare moment. [if you're a scientist, apologies in advance, you have a much harder life than me!] .

this one isn't very burnout friendly, but i am introverted and treat writing fic like a hobby for when i have no social battery. then my fic battery runs out, i go be social. yes, this kinda just spreads the burnout around. yes, i also know writing is still work! but it doesn't feel like it, to me. so I guess make your fic idea as much about fun, and as least about work, as possible. make it into the catnip that will make you come back to it. treat it as an escape rather than another magnum opus, or god forbid, a second dissertation. .

this also applies to PhD work - again, if you are a humanities student, you'll inevitably hit a writing block in your thesis. these are normal, and though they feel like the worst thing at the time, they will inevitably shift. thesis writing block when i was often very productive with fic, bc my thesis wasn't taking up my brain power and/or taking time away from my thesis was exactly what i needed. If you're burned out on the thesis, maybe spend some time just playing around in your brain for a bit. my friend told me about how she used fic as a way to build 'mastery' - when she was depressed or feeling down about her thesis, she would do something she knew she was good at (fic), and this would lift her mood. in the self critical world of academia, sometimes a little fic positivity goes a long way (at least for me, but that's bc both my supervisors are very very harsh, the exact opposite of the AO3 comment box). .

find an update schedule that works for you. i used to write a whole fic before i published any of it, but that's become more untenable as my wordcounts get bigger and i need motivation. now, comments fuel me when i'm drafting. so honestly, if you think posting will add pressure, don't post. write it just for you. if you think posting is the only thing that will keep the idea alive, do it and then don't feel guilt if there's a large gap in updates. people will still read it when it eventually goes up! :)

Honestly, I don't really have an answer. I wrote a lot these last few months bc I was feeling very depressed with the endgame of my thesis, and writing distracted me and made me feel better. I try to keep two nights a week free for fic, but that works for me bc I'm an introvert who lives alone. I don't think you can force it, but what I can tell you is that the PhD does get much, much easier (and that first year is also a perfectly legit time to faff around a bit and commit some time theft if you want - at least in the humanities, bc you'll still have so much time in your project).

I'm sorry I don't have a clear answer! Fic is important to me, so I make time for it, sometimes to my own detriment. If your PhD is what is important to you rn, fic can wait! Similarly, if you want to take some time away from that treading water, maybe microdose an hour or so of fic to start building mastery :) xx

[akookminsupporter]

yk i used to have an old frnd who i was very close to. like really. we used to talk all the time even though we live miles away and haven't met in like 7+ years. but we always got along. she had a really wide and kind of a different approach to life than other people which i really found admiring. i learned a lot of things from her and i honestly miss her presence sometimes. we don't talk anymore. time got us. there wasn't any fight or anything, we just gradually drifted apart and that's what hurts the most. why am i telling you this? because you remind me of her sometimes. she was strong, opinionated and never feared stating whatever was on her mind. that's a quality i acquired from her. so yeah... reading your messages (replies to the anons) remind me of her sometimes.

hope u do well in life, get everything u want and keep up with your spirit, rosie. i wish you the best in life and i hope everyone around you shows their love in their own way to you. and it's my request to you too, that if you have something to say to someone, say it. you never know when things might change, nothing is forever even the best of relationships (platonic, familial or romantic) end sometimes and you don't know when a stranger might become your new special person. so please don't ever hesitate to show your love to your loved ones. i've lost people and it won't be a lie if i say i barely have friends right now (i'm not forty years old, sigh. just ended high school) but that's fine i still have a lot more things coming. i could meet new people in college and hopefully form new definitions of friendships and relationships. but yes, from whatever i have seen so far, what i am sure of is that nothing is forever. i talk to everyone and you won't believe me people see me as a "happy go lucky girl" which i always like, because why being sad in front of people and making them feel sad when they can't do anything to help you? (in a good way. but i have this serious issue of bottling things up and that lead to anxiety. bad one) i literally have these thick walls because of how scared i am of forming bonds just for the fear of losing them. sigh. i just told you nothing is forever but i, myself have a hard time accepting that. easier said than done, isn't it? lol anyway a lot of sentimental and philosophical stuff have been said. geez i might cringe later at myself if you post this. nvm, it's so good that i found your blog, found bts, found armys, and found uh idk everything? yeah, life could be depressing but i try to smile it off because why not?

a frnd of mine was saying she's going to kill herself and i swear i've heard that lot more times from different people. two kids (15 year olds) commited suicide in the last two months where i live. and i was crying in the bathroom because idk who might be next. and it scares me yk what if it's me next? or in future months or years later maybe if i can't smile anymore? it's so disturbing, sigh. and i hate when people joke and say 'i'm gonna kill myself' at the slightest discomfort in life. at least once, just for a second i want them to think of thousands of those people who are surviving under constant fear of hurting themselves for real, who are actually struggling to keep themselves alive, to fight back life harder than it comes for them, and those who want someone to help them out of vicious circle of depression, anxiety and other similar problems they're caught in. i don't like people who make mental health issues look 'aesthetic'. hope they grow up to know better soon.

god i need to learn how to shut up. sorry this long. i love your blog, please don't ever shut this down. ilysm, hope you stay healthy and live your best life. also, again i'm sorry if my message is too depressing. i started off only to tell you that you remind me of my (ex) best friend lol.

Hi, anon! How are you?

I hope this doesn't sound disrespectful but I was a bit surprised when I read that you recently finished high school. There is experience in your words, experience that is usually gained over the years, with mistakes and frustrations but also joys. You are wise beyond your years, anon. That was nice to see. Although I keep in mind that at no point did you mention your age, assuming you're a teenager is perhaps a bit bold of me.

I think I've said it all day but thank you for the nice opinion you have of me. Thank you for the way you think of me. Thank you for somehow telling me that my sincerity is perceived by all of you. I'm sorry that you and your former friend have drifted apart. Life is funny like that sometimes. Sometimes people come into our lives to teach us something but not to stay. And in itself, that is also a life lesson.

In part, you remind me of me but unlike you, I have never had such positive thoughts about my future. About other people's? Of course, I have, but not about mine, I guess in that respect I like to preach but I don't apply what I preach.

Thanks for the advice and good wishes. You are a special person anon. Try not to change. Always try not to let life and all its tribulations ruin your way of thinking. Maybe try to be a little more positive about yourself. Trusting someone else people say is a rewarding thing to do, I need to work on that too, maybe we can do it together. I sincerely hope that people come into your life who bring something to you instead of taking something away from you. I hope that people come into your life with whom you can form sincere, honest and lasting relationships. You sound like the kind of friend I would like to have. That I often need to have.

I wish you nothing but the best anon, thank you for your kind words. I promise I won't forget what you said to me.

GRACIAS!!

[number1villainstan]

Do you have any headcannons on how the Hassaikai (other than kai) interact with Eri?

Ooo, that's a good question. Let's break it up into canon/canon-adjacent and an AU where Eri, at baseline, isn't being tortured for her blood.

(Important note: 'Expendables' usually refers to the Eight Precepts + Chisaki, Kurono and Irinaka; they're all Expendables. Precepts or Eight would refer to the group of Eight that doesn't include Chisaki, Kurono, or Irinaka.)

Canon 'verse:

In a canon/canon-adjacent 'verse, I don't think the Eight interact with her at all; most (if not all) don't even realize she exists--although some of them suspect that their boss is hiding or just not talking about something--and if they find out later it's probably a huge test of their loyalty.

Kurono canonically interacts with her, probably regularly; he probably worries a bit over what they're doing to her, but as someone who grew up in a shitty abusive orphanage and then in the yakuza he doesn't exactly have a solid conception of what a healthy childhood is supposed to look like, so Kai's explanations of 'we're feeding her, we're giving her shelter, and we're leaving her alone except for getting her blood' satisfy him anytime he brings it up.

Irinaka has probably interacted with Eri a few times, but not frequently or regularly. He also doesn't have a solid conception of a healthy/normal childhood (tbh I don't think any of the Expendables do), nor does he fully realize what's going on with Eri.

Nemoto knows something's up--he's known Chisaki for years at this point, and can tell when he's getting cagey, but he can't get the answers out of him. If he were to stumble across Eri in person, however, he'd probably put some very concerning pieces together almost immediately and end up demanding answers instead of just gently nudging like he usually does--as cynical as he is, and as much hope as he gave up while on the streets, he still doesn't like it when children get hurt. And part of him thought that Chisaki was better.

Sakaki knows that Nemoto thinks something is up, but doesn't worry too much. If he ran into Eri, he would not put the pieces together, and also wouldn't really know how to interact with her. He has...very limited experience with children. (Sakaki: So, uh...you want a beer? Nemoto: SHE'S FOUR)

Setsuno would probably realize some stuff--not as much as Nemoto, but enough to know that something fucky is going on. Unlike Nemoto, he'd be scared rather than angry, so instead of demanding answers he'd resolve to instead keep an eye on her, and try to visit her when no one else is around to catch him. Setsuno has (or had) several younger siblings and often helped his older sister care for them (yay parentification from having depressed and overworked parents), so he's a lot better with Eri and a lot more responsible when it comes to Eri than anyone else expected. He'd also trust Chisaki a lot less after that, which Chisaki would notice but not understand, and that might end up causing problems in the circle.

Hojo, I don't (yet) have a solid backstory for, so I don't have a clear idea as to how he would interact with Eri like I do for the three I've listed so far. I want to say he'd interact with her in a similar way that he interacts with Tabe, or at least he'd try to. He might put together some pieces or not, but he'd almost certainly tell the other members of the Trash Trio about her. Eri herself might be intimidated by how tall and big he is.

Tabe would be curious. I headcanon him as intellectually disabled and mute (which is a headcanon I probably stole from you), so he definitely wouldn't realize what's going on. I think he and Eri might get along well, although Eri would be curious as to the signs he makes and why he doesn't talk.

Katsukame would scare her at first, completely by accident, just because he's so big. He'd probably sit or lie down so as not to scare her so much, but much like Sakaki he doesn't have a lot of experience with children and wouldn't really know how to interact with her. It's kind of a coin toss as to whether or not he realizes she's in a bad situation.

Rappa, like Katsukame, is a Big Guy and scares Eri at first, but he probably wouldn't totally process like 'oh she's scared and hurt.' He's just as loud and boisterous as he is with anyone else, in part because like many of the other Eight he has very little experience with children, and that would scare her even more. He might even try to pick her up which...would not go well.

Tengai also has very little experience with kids. He also have very little patience with them, because he doesn't understand them and he's probably already tired from dealing with Rappa. He'd be fine with Eri while she's quiet and not bugging him with questions, which that might be the whole visit, but if she started grabbing at him or bugging him with questions about his mask or earmuffs or why he's got his eyes closed all the time he's out. Only later would he realize that maybe that little girl is in a not-fantastic situation.

A kinder AU:

Let's take this AU as something like canon divergent, where Eri and Chisaki were introduced in a way that didn't make Chisaki think he was being replaced as Pops' child and trigger the abandonment issues he's in deep denial about. Maybe she just wandered into Kai's side of the complex one day, or they met before the Quirk accident. Things would definitely be different in that AU.

In this AU, I think Nemoto might end up volunteering as the primary caretaker, with Setsuno right behind him. A lot of people would be surprised at Setsuno stepping up. She'd still spend a lot of time with Chisaki, Kurono, and Irinaka, probably along with Pops, but Nemoto and Setsuno would have the most understanding of actual children among that group. She'd also probably warm up to Katsukame faster than to Rappa, since Katsukame would be calmer around her; it'd take a while for her to warm up to Rappa's boisterousness. Tengai would probably avoid her most of the time. Hojo I think would like letting her sit on his shoulders, and she'd probably like hanging out with Tabe. She'd like Sakaki while he's sober and calm. Not so much when he's drunk.

[gayathreek]

Pregnancy Vs. Postpartum

Pregnancy and postpartum are the two important phases of every woman’s life. There would be so many good memories during the time of pregnancy. But postpartum isn't having the same happy feeling as pregnancy for many women. A new mother faces serious mental and health issues which usually fall on the sidelines and not has been given much attention.

Nowadays the number of women experiencing postpartum depression is increasing. Despite technological progress and immense online medical consulting facilities, Many Women still don’t have a proper awareness of the postpartum challenges and how a new mother has to face them. As a result, it turns into misery and the mother falls into postpartum depression.

Especially In villages and small towns, there are a lot of myths and unawareness about postpartum care. The first ever problem a new mother faces after a painful delivery process is breastfeeding. Scientifically women produce a small amount of rich nutritious milk called colostrum for the first few days of birth and it’s enough for the baby too. As the women and the people around her are not aware of this, they would start saying things like the baby is not getting enough milk, Your breasts don’t look heavy, and so on.

Some first-time moms don’t even know how to hold and feed the baby for the first few days. The new mother feels helpless and somewhat guilty when she gets these negative comments about her physique and she feels incapable of something like she’s not able to fill her baby’s stomach. In the case of women with flattened and cracked nipples breastfeeding gets even more difficult. As the breast engorges day by day it’s painful and even bleeds sometimes.

The second important issue that affects the mother's mental health is sleep deprivation. The Mother has to feed the baby every two hours. Sometimes She has to sleep in the sitting position as the baby wakes up if she puts the baby down. And Sometimes You Won't be able to wake up suddenly and could not even hear your baby’s cry. Maybe after a few minutes, you get up. It’s okay. It doesn’t mean you are not a good mother or you don’t have a motherly feeling. These are some of the negative thoughts that attack your mind during post-partum depression.

No doubt the process would get familiar soon and the situations would become normal too. But There are also cases When the mother couldn’t come out of depression which leads to suicidal thoughts or the mother herself harming the baby too. So It becomes immensely important to come out and speak out. At least don’t let another mom go through what you did.

Here are a few tips to make your postpartum less stressful and happier:

Study about the postpartum challenges. How we are better aware of a particular issue better we get prepared for that.

Learn to hold the baby properly. And also educate yourself on breastfeeding issues and solutions. 

Most importantly share these things with your family members because They will be there to help you in the postpartum journey.

Always have Your 'Me' time in between.

Never forget “Happy and Healthy Mother = Happy and Healthy Baby!”

[ur-frndly-neighborhood-memer1]

THE REAL REASON WHY AZULA WANTED ZUKO BACK HOME

I've seen people giving very different answers to this question.

Some say Azula secretly loved Zuko and wanted him to be safe. Basically whitewashing her entire character.

The others say Azula only wanted Zuko because he was nothing but a pawn to her, otherwise she would happily burn him alive. Basically, demonizing her entire character.

But the true reason is...

.

.

.

Somewhere in the middle. Which means both answers are true but also false.

Let me explain why.

1-) Azula indeed has a soft spot for Zuko in the deep down

Even though they didn't exactly have a healthy relationship, a part of Azula cared about Zuko. This was seen clearly in “The Beach" when she came to comfort Zuko after he became depressed.

She didn't have to do that, but she still came to make sure her brother was okay. And even though it wasn't exactly empathy, Azula at least seem to understand Zuko's sadness and tried to make him feel better.

However, Azula's intentions aren't exactly genuine. And this leads us to reason two.

2-) Azula needed Zuko for her plan

In the “Crossroads of Destiny”, Azula outsmarted Long Feng and took the control of Dai Li. The last thing she had to do to complete her mission was taking down the avatar.

Even though Azula is an extremely powerful firebender, she knew that she couldn't beat Aang and Katara alone even with the Dai Li agents to cover her. That's why she needed Zuko on her side.

She manipulated Zuko to switch sides, and with his help, she was able to take down Aang and almost ending the avatar cycle for good.

So, Azula first kept Zuko on her side to have an advantage during the fight.

And afterwards, she still needed Zuko around for her master plan.

Even though she saw that Aang had died, she still had suspicions about the avatar's supposed death. Which is why she investigated Zuko in “The Awakening”.

Azula: Who cares? The Avatar is dead ... [Zuko looks away.] unless you think he somehow miraculously survived.

Zuko flashes back to when Katara explained about her vial of spirit water in the Crystal Catacombs.

Katara: [During flashback.] This is water from the spirit oasis at the north pole. It has special properties so I've been saving

Back to the present.

Zuko: No. There's no way he could have survived.

[They glare at each other.]

Azula: Well, then I'm sure you have nothing to worry about.

In the same episode, after her suspicions were comfirmed, Azula tells her father that it was Zuko who slayed the avatar. Zuko later barges into Azula's room to confront her, and Azula hints that she knows avatar isn't dead.

Zuko: Why'd you do it?

Azula: [Smiling, with her eyes still shut.] You're going to have to be a little more specific.

Zuko: Why did you tell Father that I was the one who killed the Avatar?

Azula: Can't this wait until the morning?

Zuko: It. Can't.

Azula: [Sighs and opens her eyes.] Fine. You seemed so worried about how Father would treat you because you hadn't captured the Avatar. I figured if I gave you the credit, you'd have nothing to worry about.

Zuko: But why?

Azula: [Getting out of bed.] Call it a generous gesture. I wanted to thank you for your help and I was happy to share the glory.

Zuko: You're lying.

Azula: [Walking past Zuko.] If you say so ...

Zuko: You have another motive for doing this, I just haven't figured out what it is.

Azula: Please Zuko, what ulterior motive could I have? What could I possibly gain by letting you get all the glory for defeating the Avatar? [Approaching close to Zuko she places a hand on his shoulder.] Unless, somehow, the Avatar was actually alive. All that glory would suddenly turn to shame and foolishness. But you said it yourself, that was impossible. [Zuko begins to leave.] Sleep well, Zuzu.

And let's not forget, Azula also knew about the Team Avatar's invasion plan on solar eclipse since she sneaked into Ba Sing Se dressed as Kyhoshi Warrior in “The Earth King". Which is why she took the control of Dai Li agents in the first place (also to help her to take over the city).

The Earth King tells her about the invasion plan. So, Azula starts calculating all her next moves, including taking Zuko to her side.

Because she planned out Team Avatar's every each move in “The Day of Black Sun part 1” and “The Day of Black Sun part 2”. That's how she outsmarted them. And since she already knew that Aang was still alive, she also predicted that he would show up during the invasion. And once the avatar revealed himself in the Fire Nation, he was going to be seen. And because Azula gave Zuko the credit for killing the avatar, Ozai was going to witness ��Zuko's” failure. In other words, once Aang was seen again, it was going to be Zuko who would be accused with failing to killing the avatar, not Azula.

Azula: So, you are alive after all. [Aang stares at her in shock.] I had a hunch that you survived. But it doesn't matter. [Proudly.] I've known about the invasion for months.

So, at the end of the day, Azula kept Zuko with her both because she cared about him in some way and because she needed to use him as a tool for her plans.

This is why Azula is a complex character. Her actions are far from being morally good or genuine, yet you can't say that they're purely selfish either.

She somewhat cared for Zuko, yet it wouldn't stop her from using him as a tool.

Therefore both her pragmatism and softer side were involved.

[once-was-muses]

@distant-wcrlds | Send me "muses most to least..." and something to rank them in

Muses most to least in need of therapy?

Thoth- it would take at least a millennia to list all the things he's been through. And continues to go through. And is constantly reminded of. And has prophetic visions of. And fears will happen. And-

Scarecrow- this man has collected just about every kind of trauma a human being can without dying. His traumas have trauma. He even has therapist related trauma. Oh my god.

Antonio- he has quite literally lived hundreds of different lives. The trauma has kinda stacked up. Not only all the lives he's seen snuffed out, that have been stolen from him- but his own multitudes of deaths he's just had to carry on after.

Saint Walker & Salaak- it's difficult to put one higher than the other tbh. Bro'Dee's entire planet is gone, Salaak's disowned and banished him; both have seen countless lives ended; both are often the only of their kind for lightyears around; both are on some level of denial, ignoring, burying, or refusing to acknowledge their own traumas for whatever reason.

Two-Face- while Harv is definitely a subconscious lifeline, he isn't always healthy for Harvey. Not to mention the copious amount of PTSD and trouble forming trust they’re both riddled with.

March Harriet- she needs some serious grief counseling and addiction treatment. Ideally at the same time, from the same therapist. She has trust issues as well, and seeing one consistent therapist (that will also hold her to things) would help.

Dedan- PLEASE sit his ass down and get him to realize he doesn't have to always be the invincible, unstoppable steel giant- even he can't sustain working 24/7/365. He's working himself quite literally to death.

Bookworm- Winnie is one of the two here that have actually had constructive therapy. How much of it has stuck with him is debatable, but it's certain that at least some has. He's still an awful liar, still terrified of dogs, still has panic attacks and depressive moodswings, still uses sex as a coping strategy- but at least he hasn't been suicidal for almost 20 years now.

Copperhead- I don't know that Sameer necessarily even realizes he could benefit from therapy. He definitely could and would- but he's one of those rare examples of self therapy actually working. He's managed to coach himself through shit, unteach himself most of the crap that was drilled into him literally from birth- now if he could just admit his emotions and talk to people.

Fright- she could definitely have used therapy earlier in life, but that boat may have already sailed. She's thoroughly disenfranchised and disconnected from humanity as a whole; any remnants of the little girl that just wanted to be allowed to live are perpetually smothered and buried.

Abe- he has a similar immortal's issue to Antonio, having lived a whole other life he can’t remember before this one, on top of identity problems and imposter syndrome- but he's the only other muse on the roster that's had actual helpful therapy. His issues aren't resolved, of course- that's not how mental health works- but he at least has some coping and self help strategies.

Jackdaw- all things considered, the amnesiac undead murder victim is the most well adjusted here. Which surely says something.

[autumnimagining]

Saw you kinda freaking on that calorie post

My best advice is to build muscle. Do t focus on fat loss or the scale focus on eating healthy and make sure your body is healthy and building muscle. Obvs through cardio in if you enjoy it, but like focusing on body composition is more helpful that weight. And with some of the stuff you mentioned, yea, you can't perfect them and learning that your body is not something to sculpt and mold and behold and instead something to live it and love is both extremely difficult, speaking from experience, and extremely helpful. Find ways to move your body that feels good. For me that's, hiking, surfing, skiing, yoga and lifting. Focusing less on what your body looks like and more how you can use it helped me a lot. Speaking as a former anorexic and someone who's now in the overweight category on the BMI, but is also the healthiest and most generally content with life I've ever been.

I don't remember much about the post in question but I've been trying to think of how to respond to this. The response I've got here isn't the most thought-through or eloquent or anything. It's just. A response.

I hate my body.

Maybe I don't.

I have a relationship with my body. Quite how to characterise it, I don't know, but it sure as shit isn't a good one. Disordered, at the very least.

I've had body image issues for maybe 14 years? Ish? Ever since I came to university and realised I had to cook for myself and did so (badly) and put on weight.

My mother was not a great help in this regard. Neither was my father. His genes are probably the reason I've gained the weight I have in the place I have it (around my waist, I have a fantastic beer belly). But mum was the one who snipped at me about it, who - with the best of intentions - pressured me to be eating healthily and exercise more. I remember on one occasion when I was visiting home, as we were respectively going to bed, she saw me in my PJs and looked at my belly and very gingerly made to poke at it. She never actually poked at it but it was a theatrical intro to a brief lecture - one of many - about Not Turning Out Like My Father.

His health was bad. He smoked. Never exercised. Ended up paraplegic in a wheelchair with late-onset type-2 diabetes and high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Along with all that, he was doubly-incontinent and was thus in and out of hospital with UTIs, one of which finally carried him off.

The diabetes, blood pressure, and cholesterol were what concerned my mother, whose own parents had both died due to complications arising from strokes.

So I get it, Mum, I get it.

But Mum was also the kind of person for whom "everything in moderation" was actually the First Commandment. And a fat lot of good it did her when cancer took her away.

Against this fantastic backdrop, I have never been a person who has found it easy to stick with things under my own steam. I've tried Veganuary, I've tried Slimming World, both sucked ass, I tried Couch to 5k and that suuuuucked. It has only recently, within the last 18 months, that I have found bouldering and a personal trainer and found that Exercise Can Be Fun, Actually. Prior to that, and prior to university, my diet and my exercise were largely controlled by mum, save for at school where i could buy sweets from the tuck shop and did so to fill what turns out to have been a massive gaping emotional void caused by emotionally-distant (if well-meaning) parents.

Crashing into all of this like a wrecking ball was last year's revelation that I'm trans.

So, not only am I struggling against the weight of parental expectations and the genetics they've handed me AND the grief of losing both of them before I was 27, I also have the anxiety that they've instilled in me (if I don't pass this exam I won't get into a good school and i'll fail my GCSEs and then i won't receive love) AND the depression and burnout of all of this.

AND I'M TRANS.

So I'm also wrestling with my ingrained socially-inculcated and parentally-exacerbated fatphobia AND the ingrained sexist viewpoint of How Women's Bodies Should Look because I want, through my transition, to end up looking hot. I would give anything to walk down the street and see heads turning as I pass.

At no point in my life have I really ever enjoyed any level of confidence in my body, or even in my self. None of the athletic stuff I was doing while at school (swimming club outside school time) went anywhere - i was never good enough to be considered for even local sports teams. None of the talents in my life that i've cultivated - playing music, writing about music, writing creatively - have so far really gone very far. I struggle, sometimes, to feel that anything in my life has actually gone anywhere and that i have in fact achieved anything (I'm aware I've got achievements but they feel very flimsy a lot of the time).

So when I'm told that I can, in essence, lose some of the fat around my waistline by following a nice simple formula of "eat less, move more," I think "Great! I can do that!"

And that has worked for me in the past. It has. When I was on Slimming World AND i had a supportive partner who was able to keep me in check AND i was going to the gym at least once a week, THEN I was able to scratch away some of the weight I'd gained. That was 8 years and some 20kg ago.

Now? NOW? Now I get told that the formula isn't remotely that simple, doesn't work for everyone, is mostly a genetic lottery, and if you do lose weight you'll probably put it all straight back on anyway because 95-98% of people do.

So it feels like I might as well not fucking bother. Life's too short, cake beer and pizza are too delicious.

That feeling is in direct conflict with the ingrained ones mentioned above. I am terrified of becoming like my father. In all the ways that really matter I'm nothing like him, but I have his genetics so if I don't alter my lifestyle I will be looking down the barrel of high blood pressure and high cholesterol medicine when I'm 50. Did I mention that if I live to the age of 66 I will have outlived both of my parents?

So yeah. I freaked out. Because why wouldn't I freak out. Am I, truly, condemned to this body? To this flabby, exhausted, beer-gut dad-bod? No matter whether I take HRT, no matter whether I exercise to within an inch of my life and eat only kale? Am I? Because it feels like it.

It feels like it, no matter how hard I try.

And I.

Am.

TRYING.

I have one guy's Twitter thread saved on the matter, and his summary was basically "It has to absolutely dominate your habits. Not that you can't think of anything else, but when you are eating and exercising, the rigidity and consistency has to be stuck to above all else."

Life's too short. But if that's the way to go, so be it. Cake is delicious. Pizza is delicious. Beer is delicious. But I want to live. I want to go out in the world and see it all before it burns. I want to outlive not just my parents but my grandparents and be as sprightly at 90 as i am now. I do not want to be some dad-bod middle-aged moaner who struggles to get out of an armchair.

So I'm trying. I'm trying. I cycle to/from the train station, and I can put more bike miles into that particular journey. At my fittest, I was cycling ten miles a day and doing a 5-hour shift behind a bar six days a week. Even though my diet wasn't great, the amount of exercise I was doing made up for it. So I think, perhaps, that I have a shot at actually shifting some of the gut that I've developed. Maybe you're right, anon, and developing muscle is what I need to do. It's what the personal trainer is helping me do. And i am developing that muscle. It just doesn't seem to be shifting the gut. Again, I'm trying. I've simultaneously moved house and started a new job alongside having fallen out with a friend and somewhat isolated myself from my other friends, so my headspace isn't great at the moment which means my culinary thinking has largely consisted of "put calories in belly," leading to a lot more of the beige food everyone likes to tease us Brits about than is perhaps ideal. But I'm trying. I'm trying to make it so that I batch cook Something With Lots of Vegetables in. I'm trying to make it so that I snack on fruit or protein flapjacks instead of crisps and chocolate biscuits. I'm trying to make breakfast into a good meal that sets me up well for the day. I'm trying to sleep better because god knows i don't think i've actually had a consistent amount of rest since ........ uhhhhh *checks notes* probably 2013? Maybe 2019 if i'm being generous. And sleep is supposed to be good for weight loss and mental health and so on.

But the crawl of progress of this kind feels overwhelming. I can look back and see that progress has been made but it feels like a progress of inches at best instead of anything discernible. As with my many other life problems, i feel like i'm adrift at sea, treading water, and while i can see land and am trying trying trying to get there, everyone who goes past is clinging to driftwood or rowing in a canoe or jetting past in a superyacht and they all try to tell me how to swim to land. And i try but something's weighing me down and making it very hard to do so. That something is a whole lifetime of emotional baggage that has become an enormous Gordian knot that i cannot cleave and cannot untangle either.

So instead I just freak out when i get told that something over which i should be able to exert control and enjoy demonstrable progress and immediate results - "eat less, move more, lose inches around the waistline" - isn't actually nearly so simple and might as well be impossible if you don't have the right genes, which i almost certainly don't.

I'm trying. But jfc sometimes it would just be nice if the thing at which i was trying was easier.

[transhawks]

It's fine - I'm okay with well-reasoned additions on my post. I've said this a couple times over the years, this is my hero ACADEMIA so we're all peer reviewing each other's articles (in my head). I like people engaging with me. Also, just to make my inherent biases ahead of time, because I am biased, I'm anarchocommunist and I've also been through a lot of shit in my 29 years of life. Like my views on the League and BNHA in general are colored by my deeply held political views and also my experiences with addiction, mental illness, and losing friends to those (aka burying someone). When I argue my perspectives, it's from the view of someone who has been in very fucked up social circles and groups and done fucked up shit. I'm also very cynical. 1. The Crabs in Bucket Anyway, so, first off my intent with linking the crab metaphor tweet was less in about the society saving the crabs, but about friend groups. I should have been clearer in my intent, but it was really more about the idea that you can't like break out of the bucket. As a poster replied about the crabs pulling down the crab trying to climb out, this is an actual concept called crab mentality and it has a wikipedia page.

So, one aspect of the metaphor is simply this, and I think this puts what I'm trying to get at better: Everyone's burning around you, how do you know you're on fire?

That's my own quote on this idea that sometimes people in situations akin to a boiling pot can't realize they're being boiled because everyone around them is. You don't see out of the bucket. The lid is on. Everyone is boiling to death but that's everyone so why should you be alarmed? Or just more concerned than usual. What I'm trying to say is that friend groups or social circles like the League of Villains often have normalization of behaviors and views that are maladaptive or self-harming but no one sees this for what it is because the entire friend group's perspective on normalcy is so skewed that no one questions it. I've experienced this with my alcohol addiction which I didn't realize was one until many years later, and what delayed my realization was that most people around me were worse. I wasn't blacking out due to drinking, so how does that compare with friends who were, or those who are doing ket or tina? I had the "least" issues so my brain translated that to "I'm doing okay, comparatively". I didn't have people outside the bucket (except my parents, who threw me out) to tell me that it was all fucked up. I just had the other crabs, who were boiling faster. I think about this a lot with the League and expressions of suicidal thoughts, depersonalization for others, etc. The normal reaction to Tomura's story to Ujiko is to say, "Bitch, you're fucking depressed, get help." and help him find a therapist, or some college kid selling prozac on grindr. That didn't happen. Why?

Well, look around him. Spinner's essentially so empty inside he latches on to people and make them his whole personality and is willing to throw away ideals and beliefs. Twice feels like he needs to beg other people to care about him and that he has to pay people back for being decent humans towards him, exclaiming he doesn't give a damn what happens to himself. Toga's whole shtick is loving people who she sees capable of being loved because she isn't and thus wanting to be "them" as her love (and thus be capable of being loved herself). Dabi? Mentally, Dabi has been ready to die since...well, forever, but definitely upon returning home and seeing his dad beat the shit of his brother and the family just seeming to exist even after his "death". Physically, he's been planning a murder-suicide attempt for years. Like the only one who seems "okay" is Sako, and Atsuhiro has a whole fucking identity crisis he's busy ignoring. No one is going to tell Tomura, "Hey that's not good, that's not healthy, and all those feelings are signs of mental illness and probably come from trauma you need to work on." Because none of them are in the space to be able to do so. If anything, they're the crabs pulling each other down. I don't think it's a "malicious" pulling down either. Misery loves company, and I rather boil to death with my friends than alone, yanno? When we talk about someone outside the bucket reaching in, it means someone who can see what's happening in the bucket but also sees the world outside and correctly look at the crabs and say, "y'all bitches cooking to death". It's really hard to get out of the bucket by yourself - especially with friends who...sometimes aren't ready to get better. Or never will - they'll just boil to death. 2. Keeping My Expectations Low

So, undoubtedly, I am cynical. There's a reason I used to agree with a lot of your viewpoints before I got so tired of hoping for things and feeling frustration and disappointment. One of those frustrations was about the idea of the bucket tipping over and putting the fire out. Let's discuss my post about the realities of BNHA. BNHA is a manga published in a very conservative magazine that still defends not having women at Weekly Shounen Jump (Plus did have some) as late as 2019. It is aimed at twelve year-old Japanee boys, even if that's no longer the main readership, boys whose families can allow for a weekly magazine subscription. It is published in a overall very conservative industry, in a socially conservative country. Superhero stories, also, appeal to more conservative mindsets by their natures too. Horikoshi is an Alan Moore fanboy, and he's even made Tomura quote Rorschach, and Watchman, of course, is a long fuck you letter to the Superhero genre. 'Tis a pity that Moore would likely hate BNHA because some of his criticism still end up being followed through on.

But superheroes struggle to address the political ascendancy of reactionary authoritarianism. That’s in large part because superheroes are traditionally conservative and elitist. The superhero genre has always had a strong bias toward defending the status quo. It’s no coincidence that the genre reaches its peaks of popularity during times when the culture is focused on the spectre of rising threats from abroad. Superheroes are almost always dedicated to stopping someone bad from changing things, not changing things that are already bad. "In 2018, Superhero stories doubled down on maintaining the status quo"

One of my longest criticisms of this manga has been that Deku is a reactive not proactive character. He's had multiple times to at least reflect on things that have happened to him and connect the dots at least about the hegemony at play in his life, in the villains he interacts with, and all around him (hello OH arc!), but it doesn't happen, and that's by design. Because heroes defend, not change. Change, meaningful, consuming and liberating change is dangerous. To enact change is to enact instability, and that's exactly what people like heroes want to prevent. It's also just the nature of the genre (and people in general) to care about individualized violence over collective violence in general. Tomura at least gives us some discussion on what violence is deemed okay in the very beginning but it misses something else - we can see Tomura destroying the area around Jaku as violence, and catastrophe, but let's say the decades of government inaction about big heteromoprhs being unable to live in Tokyo, the capital, isn't violence? One is immediate, sensationalized, but the other persistent and perpetual and happens to a marginalized group, but also is enacted not by an individual or small group, but by the state. So that violence is okay. Or the violence inherent to the poor not getting second chances - Twice's story is about a poor man fighting the Japanese legal system and losing, and thus losing an ability to have a livelihood that's legal. He is thrown out and forced to live a life on the margins. To prevent more Twices is to upend a legal system that distributes blame on both parties in accidents in Japan, to prevent more Twices is to remove poverty so that there is never any desperation that leads to crime. Can Horikoshi show us a society where poverty is abolished? Truly? Now, I'll give Horikoshi some credit - I truly think he's at least setting up a critique of one the foundations of the Superhero story. I write about his critique of the Great Man Theory here. And here's the same article above talking about how the Great Man Theory is crucial to superhero stories.

The superhero genre’s super-skepticism about radical beneficial change is complemented by a super-skepticism about collective action. The whole point of the genre is that some people have great powers — and some people don’t. Those who do are the heroes. Those who don’t are romantic interests, bystanders, and potential victims. The story isn’t about them. Change comes about not through community action or political efforts, but through the outsize actions of special, strong saviors... A narrative about special powers can’t be a narrative about solidarity, and a narrative that isn’t about solidarity can’t really be a narrative about change, justice, or hope. "In 2018, Superhero stories doubled down on maintaining the status quo"

I think if Horikoshi is attempting any subversion or commentary on the superhero genre as a whole it is the Great Man of it all, and he did that by showing us Toshinori's ideology of being a Pillar failing. That it takes a truly One for All rather the individualized All For One for something to be achieved.

But otherwise?

This is just the wrong story for all that. At most we'll get lip service about the ranking system ending, some anti-discrimination laws for heteromorphs, and likely a reform of the HPSC (or dissolvement but I have little hope for that because Hori likes drawing Mera stressed out). The hegemonic structures that have created the League in general are not going to be fully removed because then that tells little Japanese boys reading Weekly Shounen Jump that perhaps the hold the LDP has on Japanese politics for a good few decades isn't inevitable and they don't have to sit down and swallow shoganai culture. And we (WSJ, the old boys club that run it) don't want that. Ultimate, the fire won't be put out - the crabs we care about will be pulled out, and maybe the pot will be put down to simmer, not boil, but the story isn't about the fire being put out as the crabs being taken out. And the thing is any continuation will have to come to face with the contradiction that the fire has to be put out. Which is why I hesitate to think there will be a sequel. For one, Horikoshi has lost a decade of his life to the overwork, insanely exploitative manga industry and suffers from nightmares and insomnia and clear health issues due to it. I'm fine if he retires and just learns to have actual conversations with women tbh. Like that dude needs to learn to a be person. He's been in the industry since 21 years of age, whether as an assistant (still fulltime, exploitative) or his failing series of manga until BNHA. We've all see that Oda WSJ schedule. None of that allows for the lengthy process of having a good friend group or finding a mate and starting a family that typically people want in their 20s and 30s. But the core of BNHA isn't in turning off that fire. It's people willing to reach out and save those crabs and those crabs not realizing they're boiling. It's not the right genre or writer for the story we want, and being okay with that is probably the key not being disapointed with the inevitable lack of resolution towards the issues the hero system has. When I make my posts, what I'm trying to do is seriously minimize how much people are going to be upset with what they see as a lackluster ending. Whether it's because they're missing the cultural context towards narratives like the Todoroki family, or just not realizing that the stories they want will not be published in WSJ, I just see people getting more and more disappointed and frustrated and never realizing the key is adjusting their own expectations. Cynical of me? Yes, but I swear it makes things enjoyable when you expect little and are grateful for the little crumbs you do get in media.

Honestly the best summation I think of an issue I've had with a lot of reactions is it's born out of people really invested in the LoV staying in the bucket. The boiling bucket of crabs. This tweet spells out clearly but for those of us twitter averse it's this:

It's nice to have other crabs in the same bucket, but they're still boiling to death. The League are the crabs. They can't tip over the bucket over the fire: they're dying. They also don't see a way out of the bucket. Someone has to turn off the fire or pull them out. Someone on the outside, who isn't boiling to death.

[apinchofm]

So far the only Kanthony fic writers I can really trust right now are you and lizzibennet. I won't read anything else haha. I get you can use fanfic merely to vent or as a form of catharsis, despite having the characters be out of character to do so. For people who really love Kate/heavily identity with Kate, maybe they want justice for her being parentified and giving up everything for her sister, whether or not Mary and Edwina ever intended for that to happen to her (because they really do love her!). That part's understandable. And the writing was really clunky in regards to the Sharma relationships, too. The THING is, in these anti Edwina/Mary fics, why are Anthony's actions much more forgivable than Mary's or Edwina's? Why isn't Anthony banished for how he treated her also? Why is Anthony in these fics either a) flawless, or b) has to apologize one time but will immediately be forgiven, while Mary and Edwina are required to grovel on their knees and make ten minute speeches on why they were so awful? Why is Anthony's character written to be nuanced/sympathetic, and get to have a moment of realization/turn of character in regards to his treatment of Kate, but Mary or Edwina are not given those characteristics or opportunity, remaining obstinately righteous and bitter till the end, therefore it's best Kate cut them off? Surely if you were wanting catharsis for Kate, you'd want her to cut off Anthony too? And why is Kate being cut off from her family a desired outcome anyway? Why is the white Bridgerton family her "real" family? Like, how is that a happy ending lol.

Thank you lovely! There are some really good Kathony fic writers who don't exclude Kate's relationship with her mum and sister - check out my fic rec tag!

I feel like some people forget how much Kate loves India and her culture - so she's going to leave her family for these white people, who, are wonderful but do not share her faith or culture and go through an anglicization process?? Is it crack??

I just like writing to see healthy relationships between brown women. Parentification - at least in my experience is not done on purpose but rather a vicious cycle. My mom and her mum were elder siblings who had that guiding role but my mum cut that off. Mary was in a depression fuelled by grief, likely did not want to go to England because of her awful parents and Kate, fuelled her own grief wanted to help so it's a lot messier than Mary being a bad mother who loves one daughter more than another.

Regarding Edwina, I would have liked more of her bookish character shown but this Edwina in the show is a wide eyed, extremely optimistic way too trusting eighteen year old who completely trusts her mother and sister and has this viscount court and charm her (lie to her) and then that comes crashing down. Also, yes, I knew that Kate is very protective of her and wants nothing bad to happen to her which is sweet, but if she is old enough to be put out to marry, then she is old enough to be told about the problems in her family. It doesn't mean Kate or Edwina are bad people but they are human beings who make mistakes and say and do bad things sometimes. In other words, normal.

Anthony, on the other hand, I blame him for 98% of that situation because he is a man. He has all the power in the situation. He was told that Edwina wished for a love match but pursued her anyway whilst he knew he was lusting after Kate. He proposed to Edwina in front of Kate. He did not sit down with Edwina and be explicit, frankly taking advantage of the fact that she's the Diamond and she's new to the country. He is responsible for this. Kate, yes, should have said something to Mary perhaps about her and Anthony and Edwina should have listened more to him but he was putting in work to ruin their relationship.

[lightrises]

"Only in allowing her to pass..." — Hornet, The Radiance, and the means by which Hallownest turned its victims against each other

A quick note: I read Hollow Knight as an anti-colonialist text. As such I'll be touching on topics related to colonialism as it's depicted in the world of the game, and said analysis will reflect both a sympathetic take on The Radiance and a critique of The Pale King that won't pull its punches. If this sounds up your alley, hello and thank you for the read! Let us be sad about these bugs together.

———

So!! A while back I realized something about pre-canon that felt rather... "curious" is one way to put it, I think. To wit: for all the effort and scheming and determination The Pale King poured into trying to get rid of The Radiance, neither of his plans involved directly killing her.

Was that his long game? Well, sure, that seems clear enough. His tack changed from luring the moths away from their god and creator to a more literal form of incarceration once the infection became a factor, but at its core the end goal never really changed—The Pale King very sincerely wished to destroy Radiance via obsolescence. The Seer lends us foreshadowing to confirm as much:

[Image descriptions: Two screenshots from Hollow Knight, showing the Seer and Ghost in the Seer's alcove at the Resting Grounds. Across both screenshots, the Seer tells Ghost the following: "None of us can live forever, and so we ask those who survive to remember us. Hold something in your mind and it lives on with you, but forget it and you seal it away forever. That is the only death that matters." End description.]

(Which, by the way and given the context, talk about an extremely unsubtle allusion to cultural genocide huh!!! Whew.)

In any case, we're left with a whole bunch of machinations which build up to... well, two very roundabout attempts at committing deicide. That's kind of weird, all things considered! Why not just do the deed in one fell swoop and get it over with?

This could be for any number of reasons. Maybe the king was devoid of the means to instantly kill another higher being. Maybe his personal sense of scruples stopped him short of signing off on MURDER murder (although, y'know, the aforementioned genocide + eternal imprisonment = still cool and copasectic apparently!). Maybe the long drawn-out cruelty was the point. Maybe the idea of playing fuckign 4D chess with the circumstances was too delicious for him to pass up—that man did love to tinker and stick his claws where they sure as hell didn't belong—or maybe it was a little bit of All The Things. Who knows!!

But interrogating The Pale King's methodology on this count isn't what I'm here for, at least not really. The main reason I raise this question at all is that in her own way, Hornet did too.

"I'd urge you to take that harder path... "

See, going by The Pale King's actions and what The White Lady explicitly says, they both foresaw two outcomes wrt the infection: it can be allowed to spread, or it can be contained. At Teacher's Archives, Quirrel acknowledges the fact that Ghost is expected to do... something about this, but he doesn't elaborate on what HE thinks that's supposed to be apart from the obvious "Gotta bust into Black Egg Temple first". Hornet is the one person who presents to us—to Ghost—what's framed as a third option: confront and destroy the infection at its source.

And she doesn't bring it up like it's just another tactic for Ghost to consider, prim and indifferent to what they would do. She nudges them towards it, actively, up to the point where she throws herself into the fray against Hollow at a juncture that's uniquely dangerous to her and her alone just to make that option feasible.

Even when she's couching it in disclaimers that this is still Ghost's decision to make (and let's be fair, she's extremely not wrong about that lol), no one can pretend Hornet is unbiased. It's obvious in that buttoned-down Hornet kind of way that she is way the hell done with the increasingly tenuous stalemate that's kept Hallownest's desiccated corpse from collapsing in on itself. Personally it's hard for me not to read some Toriel Undertale-esque "My father was too entrenched in his own foolishness to pursue any course of action that would have DEFINITIVELY ended this" shade into her stance here, regardless of whether that's strictly true in canon.

And that bit—Hornet's hopes for an end to Hallownest's stasis, moreover her grim calculation of what needs to be done to get there—that's the bit I find super interesting but likewise tragic and depressing as shit, on multiple levels. In no small part because a) canon itself gestures towards Hornet feeling conflicted about the very plan she's pushing, and moreover b) she has at least two (2) damn good reasons to feel that way.

So, what do I mean by that? Let's look here first:

[Image description: A screenshot from Hollow Knight, of Hornet and Ghost inside the Temple of the Black Egg, standing in front of the unsealed egg itself. Hornet has been struck by the Dream Nail and her dialogue is displayed as follows: "... Could it achieve that impossible thing? Should it?" End description.]

As the curtain is about to drop on things one way or another, Hornet thinks,

... Could it achieve that impossible thing? Should it?

Now, looking at that last bit it's easy to go "Oh no, Hornet's worried that Ghost won't survive killing The Radiance!" And I do think that's part of it: Hornet is, categorically, not her father. By endgame it's clear she's not content to view her Void-borne siblings as tools to be used then disposed of. She's also well aware that as a healthy autonomous Vessel amongst the countless dead, Ghost is the only person left alive who has a fighting chance against The Radiance. Knowing someone is the only qualified candidate for the job doesn't make encouraging them to embrace a probable death sentence any less of a bitter pill to swallow, though. And odds are on that this sentiment extends to Hollow too, who IS going to die no matter what happens here. To put it bluntly, it's more than reasonable to conclude that Hornet hates the absolute fuck out of this.

But I don't think that's all there is to it either. Remember what I said earlier about The Pale King's bids for genocide? Well, it's not like the man deigned to limit his efforts to just the moth tribe.

"We do not choose our mothers... "

On top of everything else—an infected Hallownest being all she's ever known, the fact that she only exists because of the infection, the list goes on—Hornet has spent her life wedged into a position that's been uncomfortable and terminally unglamorous at best: she is both a daughter of her father's kingdom and of Deepnest.

Deepnest, which like the moths and many others was here long before the wyrm and his lady wife swanned onto the scene and the God Become Bug laid claim to everything the Light touched plus a considerable amount of change. THAT Deepnest, which has fought claw and thread to retain its sovereignty against same-said settler king, and for which Herrah not only surrendered her life but also agreed to bed her worst enemy, all in hopes of securing a viable future for her people (put a pin in that last part by the way, I'll come back to it soon).

Two Worlds, One Family (Ft. An Indigenous Woman Trying Her Damndest To Work With What She's Got Versus An Imperialist Who Only Signed Up For This Because He Needed The Political Favor THAT Badly, So It's The Height Of Dysfunctional Actually). Fun times!!!!

The baggage this entails for Hornet is gnarly enough without implications made by The White Lady and the pre-canon timeline of events and even Team Cherry's dev notes that the king may well have looked at baby Hornet, gone "YOINK", then ensured she spent the lion's share of her childhood reared within the pearly auspices of his Pale Court*. That would be rather advantageous for Him Specifically after all, the potential to mold a born foe into a future ally and even have her trained in combat under the same tutelage as her doomed sibling. And far be it from him to stop a grown Hornet—his own flesh and blood too!—from making Deepnest her forever home if she so pleased. He totally wouldn't be reneging on his "fair bargain made" by doing this one simple thing until Hornet came of age, not t e c h nic c a l l y.

If that is indeed the case, there's a non-zero chance Hornet's formative years were a hot mess of cultural alienation and being a good deal more privy than most to just how much of a bastard her father could be. There's an equally non-zero chance that at some point she stood or sat within earshot as The Pale King finally, finally dropped all pretense and euphemism to name the Light for precisely what (for who) it was.

See, in conjunction with the question that started this whole dang train of thought I've been asking this one too: Does Hornet know? When she speaks of confronting "the heart of [the] infection" does she know she's talking about not just a literal person but someone very specific? The Radiance, who god though she may be shares skin in the game alongside Hornet as a native woman screwed over by the same settler king, likewise deprived of her kin and saddled with a life gone horrendously pear-shaped?

I'll assume for the sake of exploring the possibility and because I think it's a likely one anyway that yes, Hornet does know. She knows, and despite everything can't help empathizing. She might even look at Radiance and see bits and pieces both reflected and slightly inversed in her own mother: Radiance was forced to the sidelines while her people—her children, the brood she was meant to lead and care for—died out under The Pale King's rule, and it's no stretch to assume she's at least as upset about that as she has been about everything else; Herrah too took drastic measures for her people's sake, trying to head off annihilation by relegating herself to the sidelines in an act that was as much calculated risk as an attempt to find wiggle room and leverage in the face of a nasty proposition.

A calculated risk that, if things continue as they are, might well amount to nothing as the rest of Deepnest gets eaten alive by the infection. It survived The Pale King's advances for so so long, only to fall here. Herrah's sacrifice would be for naught; the other tribes—themselves the king's victims—would keep succumbing to the infection too.

And this is where things fall apart.

"... or the circumstance into which we are born."

Let's be clear: I think Hornet is wise enough to know what's what here, that all the carnage and suffering falls on her father's head for starting this slow-motion trainwreck in the first place. Hallownest wasn't always Hallownest. This domain was Radiance's home first, along with many others. It was the worm-turned-king who rolled up on the scene unsolicited and decided this was a ""'problem""" that had to be """solved""".

But the fact of the matter is that he's gone and The Radiance is here, raging, seemingly inconsolable. Above and beyond being Deepnest's rightful heir, Hornet isn't in a position to countenance more splash damage even if the grief and fury fueling it makes perfect sense. She can understand without ever bringing herself to love Radiance, and she can bend her knee to practicality even if she hates the everloving shit out of it because the fact that it "has" to end this way isn't fair.

This lends itself to one last awful conclusion: that Hornet has probably considered and (rightly or wrongly) discarded the possibility that Radiance can be saved, at least not without dragging more collateral along for the ride. If even her mother and every other enemy to the king seemed to dismiss talking Radiance down as an option way back when... well. Why should Hornet hope for any better after things have escalated so far?

Again, it's practical. A practical net good is what Hornet strives for. And again, it fucking sucks.

For extra tragedy points, this makes Hornet's extended crypticness around Ghost followed by her last minute casting about for a reason to tell them "Wait, don't; not just yet" that she never voices even more of a gut punch. She can't bring herself to burden Ghost with the context that haunts her so, least of all when it might weaken their resolve to go through with what (she thinks) needs doing.

It's the "same song, different verse" which led to the mantis tribe and Deepnest being pitted against each other: Hallownest rigged the game so that two women who could have been powerful allies—who have a mutual vested interest in driving out settler rule—wound up poised as enemies instead. And how awful is that? The king for all his being extremely fucking dead still gets the last laugh, because outside of a miracle the game never manifests Hornet can salvage what her mother started and look forward to a future where Deepnest pulls itself back from the brink if and only if The Radiance dies.

Resolution comes at the price of a completed genocide. Add two more dead siblings to the unconscionable pile thereof, while we're at it. That's what it boils down to whether or not Hornet can bear to articulate it as such, and there's no grace or even a properly bittersweet ending to wring from this clusterfuck. And that is rough.

———

* This has been better explained elsewhere, but a quick rundown: The White Lady tells Ghost that Hornet and Herrah "were permitted little time together." On its surface this can be taken to mean that Hornet was still very young when Herrah was shipped off to Eternal Dreamland—except this doesn't jive with the fact that we meet Hornet as an adult. If the stasis kicked in once the Dreamers went to their rest, which in turn halted the aging process for every living bug in Hallownest, AND before all this Hornet experienced little by the way of quality time with her birth mother... I think you can see where I'm going with this.

To top it off we've got Team Cherry weighing in ominously from their dev notes on Herrah: "As part of the agreement for her alliance and her role as a dreamer, King gave her a child (Hornet). Was she allowed to keep this child or was she taken away?" This isn't confirmation by itself of course, but given additional canon details (see above): Can I get a "yikes" in the chat fellas.

[imaginationintowords]

Folklore [song series]

this is me trying

Modern Day AU! Steve Rogers x OC!Reader; Bucky Barnes x Natasha Romanoff

Plot: Inspired by Taylor Swift’s new album folklore. The story follows the timeline of Bucky and Elizabeth’s life throughout the years.

word count: 3592

[a/n: I’m so sorry that it’s taken me so long to update this and my other story. i’ve been busy with school and work. thank you for your continued patience and support]

previous part

Series Masterlist

Age: 20 Year: Dec. 2014 Location: Brooklyn, NY

"How have you been James?”

Bucky looks out the window to his right. Hands grasped together in his lap as he sits on the dark green sofa across from the woman he's been seeing for the last 5 months.

He ponders the question, making sure to answer it honestly. He looks back at her giving her his full attention again.

"Good," he answers truthfully, a small smile planted on his face. Life has been good. School is going incredibly well. My job is going better than I could've imagined. Really learning a lot."

"How are things going with Natasha?" The older lady asks.

“Great. Really great," Bucky says with a slightly bigger smile.

"Good. I'm glad to hear that," she smiles back, proud to the see progress James has made since his first visit moths ago.

After the blow up he and Steve had, Bucky fell into a depressive state. He refused to talk to anyone about what had happened. It wasn't until his younger sister Rebecca came to talk to him:

"I get you don't want to talk to any of us about what happened last week," she said as Bucky laid in bed looking out the window, his back facing her, "But you can't just stay in bed, hiding for the world. Starving yourself isn't going to solve anything.

"Sulking is only going to make you worse. It's not healthy, Buck. We're all worried. Ma is incredibly worried. She's barely been eating. I hear her wandering the house at all hours, because she can't sleep."

"You don't want to talk to us, fine. But you need to talk to someone. If not for yourself, but for Ma. Please," she begs, before leaving Bucky alone to ponder what she said.

He knew he wasn't coping the healthy way. He hadn't realized how much he was affecting his family by shutting down. The last thing he wanted to do was worry his mother. So he got himself up, took a shower, ate breakfast with his family. They were surprised to see him come down, but tried not to draw any extra attention to it. Rebecca gave him an understanding nod, which he reciprocated. After breakfast, he began his research. He decided to listen to Rebecca's advice and find someone to talk to someone to help him make sense of what is going on in his mind.

And that's how he ended up in Dr. Abraham's office.

"Have you contacted Steve yet?" She asks.

"No," he answered fiddling with his fingers, "I feel embarrassed about the way I reacted."

"That's normal, James," she assured him, "But in order to repair any damage that's been cost, you need to talk to Steve. To move forward. From what you've told me he's a very understanding person. I'm sure once you've apologized and explain to him the steps you've taken to help your mental health, I'm sure he'd be willing to accept you back into his life."

"I'm not so sure," he looked down at his hands.

"You won't know until you've tried. Listen, I'm not here to tell you what to do or what not to do. I'm just here to help you navigate your thoughts a little better. In a more healthy way. If you're really serious about living a more healthier mental life, I think you should talk to him. You don't want to really throw this lifelong friendship away, do you?"

"No, I don't," he shakes his head.

"Good. Remember to be honest," she tells him, "Vulnerability isn't a bad thing. Your feelings aren't a nuisance. it's how you handle them is what matters. I'm not saying you have to talk to him as soon as you walkout of here. I just want you to start making the notion of doing so. Our time is just about up, how about we do this. Some homework for the week.

"I want you to write a letter to Steve. Bring it in next week, you don't have to read it. But I would like to discuss it. What do you say?"

"Okay, I could do that," he agreed.

Christmas week

Steve and Elizabeth flew back home a few days before Christmas. They put their bags in the trunk of their rental car.

The car ride was silent for awhile, both tired after a long flight, now sitting in traffic on their way back to their parents' place. This would be their first time back to Brooklyn since the whole Bucky situation. The road trip back to California was fun, but there was a looming sadness over Steve. It's not like he regrets standing up to Bucky he doesn't. He just wishes thing would've played out differently. He really wished Bucky would've talked to him before he left back to California.

"How are you feeling about being back?" Elizabeth asks, while they sat in traffic.

"I don't know," Steve sighs, "Feels weird going back home and not talking to Bucky."

"Maybe you should try calling him. It's been a few months. I'm sure he'd be willing to hear you out," she said, rubbing his right arm.

"I don't want to push him," Steve said through gritted teeth, his grip on the steering wheel getting tighter.

Bucky had been a touchy subject the last few months. During the first month Elizabeth would ask Steve if he'd heard from him, the answer always being no, followed by Steve shutting down. After that Elizabeth stopped asking, noticing how much it was affecting Steve, but the constant reminder of it wasn't helping. She knew that if Bucky ever did call, Steve would tell her. The only thing she could do was be patient and be there for Steve whenever he needed her.

The holidays kept everyone busy. On Christmas Eve. Steve spent it with Elizabeth's family at her grandma's house. Elizabeth found herself watching Steve play with her younger cousins, she couldn't help but giggle when they roped him into a tea party. She found herself imagining a future where Steve would do the same with their own children. She quickly shook the daydream away. Reprimanding herself a little for even thinking about kids at their young age.

On Christmas morning Elizabeth and Steve spent it with his parents. It was a nice peaceful day just lounging around in their pajamas. For dinner, Elizabeth's parents went over to have dinner at the Rogers' house. It was a nice little send off dinner for their parents who were leaving for Mexico to spend the New Years for a couples' getaway.

Elizabeth and Steve were heading to the Hamptons to spent NYE with Wanda, Thor, Loki, and Scott. They had planned to have a nice, peaceful trip.

While Steve and Elizabeth were at the Hamptons, Bucky and Natasha were spending their NYE at his family's beach cottage in Port Washington.

They were cuddled on the couch surrounded by take out containers, watching the New Years Eve special waiting for midnight to happen.

Bucky got up about 15 minutes to midnight to grab something from the kitchen. He walked back into the room with a new bottle of champagne and two champagne flutes.

"Got some champagne," he said holding it up for Natasha to see.

"Um," Natasha awkwardly shifted in her seat, "Actually about that."

Bucky looked at Nat confused, putting the bottle and flutes down on the coffee table before sitting back down next to her.

"What's wrong" he asked, grabbing the tv remote to mute the tv, and give Natasha his full undivided attention.

"So there's something I haven't told you," she says looking down at her fidgeting fingers.

"You're worrying me Nat," Bucky said, grabbing her hands to help ease her nerves

She looked up to meet his worry filled eyes.

"I'm pregnant," she announced.

Bucky eyes widen at her announcement, instantly dropping her hands. The look on her face showing she was telling the truth.

"How is that possible?" He asks in disbelief, "We've been so careful. We use double the protection. Condoms and you're on the pill."

"Actually about that," she nervously shifted under his intense gaze, "I haven't been on birth control in a little over two months."

"What?" Bucky yelled, quickly rising from his seat, "What do you mean you haven't been on birth control in a little over two months?"

"I got off of it," she shrugged trying to play it off, "It's my body and I can do what I want with it. And I just wanted to give my body a break, I've been on the pill since I was 15."

"I get it's your body, Natasha, I'm all for you doing whatever you want," he stresses, "but you should've told me. I'm your boyfriend, we have sex frequently. You should've at least had the respect of your sexual partner, letting him know that you were no longer on birth control. So in that case I could've been a tad more careful."

"We were using condoms," she half heartedly defended herself.

"They aren't 100% effective Natasha," he gripped his hair, in complete disbelief over this entire conversation, "You even know that. That also doesn't defend yourself for not telling me. You should've told me."

"I'm sorry. It's not like I was planning for this to happen," she yelled.

Bucky just stared at her like she just grew two heads. How is she not freaking out, he thought. They were clearly way too young for this. Which is why they took precautionary measures.

After a few moments of silence Natasha spoke up, "I'm keeping the baby."

Bucky didn't know what to say. He felt the room closing in on him. He started having a hard time catching his breath.

"James," Natasha quietly said, getting up to check on him. He raised his hand, silently telling her to stay where she's at.

He headed for the back door, the house felt too suffocating for him. He walked through the the small yard to the gate that led to the beach. Stumbling around.

To a stranger they would just think he's drunk. In reality he was just having a panic attack.

It was all too much. His mind was racing.

She's pregnant. With a baby. My baby. I'm going to have a kid. I'm going to be a dad. I'm not ready to be a dad. My dad was shit. God I can't be like my dad. I'm not ready for all of this.

He put his hands on his knees, hunched over trying to catch his breath. But he just couldn't. He did the only thing he could think of. He pulled out his phone and dialed the only person he knew would help.

Steve and Elizabeth were laughing with their friends, waiting for the countdown to begin. Steve felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. He moved his shoulder off of the back of the couch, where Elizabeth was cuddled up against.

He pulled his phone out and his heart dropped at the name that appeared. He quickly got up and walked out of the living room and upstairs to the room where he was staying in for the week.

Wanda raised her eyebrow at Elizabeth, who just shrugged her shoulders, equally as confused.

"Bucky?" Steve answered the phone, closing the door behind him. He could hear Bucky hyperventilating on the other side.

"Steve," he tried to get out.

"Buck, what's wrong?" Steve asked, pressing the phone even closer to his ear the sound of everyone downstairs counting down to midnight.

"Steve, I-," Bucky was struggling to get out.

"Buck, please try to calm down," Steve stressed, "Inhale, hold it for a few seconds and then exhale. You need to calm down. I can't help you, if I can't understand you."

Bucky tried his best to calm himself down, with Steve talking him through it.

"Now, can you explain to me what's wrong?" Steve asked, hearing Bucky's breathing leveling out more.

"I-I'm not re-ready Steve," Bucky stutters, sniffling his nose.

"It's okay take your time, I'm here whenever you're ready."

"No, it's Natasha.”

"What's Natasha? Is she okay?" Steve questioned, getting more concerned.

"Yes, she's fi-ine," he stuttered again, trying to say the words.

"Where are you Buck?" Steve asked, looking around for his shoes and keys.

"I'm at the beach cottage."

"I'm in the Hamptons. Is there any way you can meet me back at my place?"

"Yeah, I think I can," Bucky said a bit more calmer now.

"Okay, I'll see you soon."

When midnight struck Elizabeth went upstairs to check on Steve, making sure everything was okay. She could hear him on the phone talking to Bucky, trying to calm him down. She waited outside of the door to give them some privacy.

Twenty minutes later Wanda went to go check on them, to find Elizabeth sitting on the floor.

"Is everything okay?" She whispered.

"I don't know," she answered, "I'm waiting for Steve. You can head back down, I'll be down shortly."

"Okay. We're here if you guys need anything," Wanda said before walking back down.

After another 25 minutes Elizabeth heard Steve hang up the phone. She softly knocked on the door, and let herself in. She walked in to see Steve frantically going around the room collecting his things.

"Steve is everything okay?"

"It's Buck. He called me while he was having a panic attack. Something about Natasha," he tells her.

"Is she okay?"

"I think so. I was able to calm him down. I need to get back home," he said putting his things in his suitcase.

"Okay. I completely understand. Do you want me to go with you for the drive?" She asked.

"I don't want you to have to cut your time here short," he says, feeling guilty for bringing this on her.

"Steve, something is clearly going on with Bucky. I want you to go to him, but maybe it's best if I drove. I haven't had a drink in hours, and you seem too frantic. Please let me help," she pleaded, placing her hand on his stopping him.

Steve looked up and noticed the worry on Elizabeth's face.

"Okay," he gave in, "We'll need to leave as soon as we can."

Elizabeth nodded, quickly grabbing her weekender bag and start shoving things in. If they forgot anything's he knew Wanda would bring it back.

They said their quick goodbyes and were on the road within 5 minutes, with Elizabeth behind the wheel and Steve fidgeting in the passenger seat.

Bucky took a few minutes to himself on the beach, trying to make sure his anxiety was at rest before he headed back inside. When he entered the house, Natasha shot up from her seat.

"Happy New Years," she awkwardly said, trying to cut the obvious tension.

"Umm," Bucky scratched his head looking everywhere but at Natasha, "We need to leave."

"What?"

"I mean, you can stay if you want and I'll pick you up tomorrow," he rephrased, "But I can't stay here. I need to go. Steve is meeting me at his house."

"Steve?" She was taken back by that mention, not expecting to hear Bucky say his name. He hasn't mentioned Steve in months.

"Yeah, I called him," Bucky says rubbing the back of his neck.

"Well that's good right?"

"Yeah, listen. I really need to go, so are you going to stay or come with me?"

"To see Steve?"

"No. I would drop you off at your place," he tells her, "I'm seeing Steve alone."

"Will she be there?"

Natasha didn't really know exactly why Steve and Bucky weren't talking, at first. Then she heard that Steve and Elizabeth were dating, and it all made sense. The only person that could tear Bucky and Steve apart. She never told Bucky that she knew. Figured it wasn't worth the fight. Especially not now when she was carrying his child.

To an outsider it might seem like she got pregnant on purpose, but that wasn't the case. She knew they were too young for this, at least that's what she thought when she first found out about the pregnancy a week ago. But now that she's sat with it she's taking it as a sign that this is meant to happen. She's just really hoping that Bucky would see it, if not now but eventually.

"Listen, Natasha, I don't have time for this," he looks her in the eyes, "Are you coming or not?"

"I'll get my bag," she remarked with a snark tone, walking passed him to their shared room.

A couple of hours later Bucky was pulling up in front of the Rogers' house. 2:15 am read the clock in his car. He looked to his right, out the passenger side window to see a dark figure sat on the front steps of the house.

Bucky took one last breath before exiting the vehicle.

As soon as he opened the front gate Steve stood up from where he was sat on the stairs.

Once Bucky approached him both young men threw their arms around each other. Gripping each other tightly, fighting back the tears that threatened to fall. They stayed like that for awhile. Relishing in the comfort of being back in each other's arms. Their silent fight no longer important. All they knew in that moment was everything was going to be okay, because no matter what they'll always have each other.

Steve walked into his parents' living room holding two mugs of coffee. As he rounded the couch, he handed one to Bucky.

"Sorry, if I ruined any of your plans," Bucky apologized, "Tell Elizabeth I'm sorry for taking you away."

'Buck, don't worry about it," Steve waved him off, "She completely understands. And truth be told, I wasn't necessarily feeling in the New Year's mood."

"Yeah," Bucky sighs.

"Do you want to talk about what happened tonight?" Bucky nods his head, placing the coffee mug on the coffee table in front of him. He shifted his body to the left to face Steve.

"She's pregnant," he announces.

"What?" Steve asked, not expecting that to be the reason, he quickly placed his mug next to Bucky's.

"Yeah, my reaction exactly," Bucky said.

"What? How?"

"Apparently Natasha hasn't been on the pill in a couple of months," Bucky explains, "And even though we always used condoms, they aren't exactly 100% effective."

"Did you know she wasn't on the pill?"

"Nope," Bucky tells him, "If I knew I wouldn't been a bit more cautious."

"So she told you she was pregnant?" Steve said getting back to it.

"Yeah. She was so nonchalant about it. Like it was no big deal," Bucky stressed,

"How is she just so calm. We're not prepared for this. I'm not ready for this Steve. I can't be a dad. I don't even know how to be a decent human being."

"That's not true Buck," Steve disagreed.

"Come on Steve, we haven't talked in months, and we both know it's not because you didn't try," Bucky says, "I was so caught up in my own jealousy. And selfishness, that I never even considered your feelings or Elizabeth's. And I don't think I can ever make it up to you for treating you like you're nothing to me."

"You were hurt," Steve tried to excuse.

"Doesn't excuse the way I behaved," Bucky says, "I know that now."

"I've been seeing a therapist," Bucky informs him, "I never realized how much my mental health was taking a toll on those around me. So after our fight, I found someone to talk to. To work through the shit that's going on in my mind."

"How's that been going?" Steve asked.

"Good," Bucky gives a half smile, "Really good. She's good. I've realized a lot about myself that I didn't know. Working through all the issues I've had with my father leaving."

"That's good Buck. I'm proud of you, truly," Steve beamed, patting Bucky on the shoulder.

"I really am sorry for the way I behaved," Bucky repeated again.

"Buck, you really don't have to apologize again," Steve told him.

"I need to Steve," he said, "I can't believe I acted that way. I should've been happy for you and Elizabeth. I'm glad you two have each other. Seriously. I couldn't imagine her with anyone better, same goes for you. I won't cause any more issues for you two. It's not worth not having you in my life. You're my brother Steve, and I don't want to miss anything."

"Thanks, Buck. It really means a lot to me to hear that," Steve smiles, "Because I don't want to miss anything in your life also."

"Yeah, especially now," he says, the reality of why they're there dawning back.

"How are you feeling now about the baby?"

"I don't know, man," Bucky shakes his head, "I'm afraid I'm going to screw this up, like everything else."

"But now you're working on that," Steve reminds him, "And you're not going to be doing this alone. You have people who are always going to be there. I may be in California now, but I'm just a phone call away. You're not alone. But you do have to try Buck. That's all that you can ever do. Try your best, no one's asking you to be perfect, but as long as you're trying your best, that's what's important."

Age: 21 Year: 2015

The sounds of a baby crying woke Bucky up from his sleep in the early depths of the morning. He quietly and quickly got out of bed, making his way to the small New York kitchen to make a bottle.

He walked into the small nursery where the two-month-old baby wailed from hunger.

"It's okay," Bucky shushed gently, picking up the small baby, "Daddy's here."

He adjusted the small baby in his arms before placing the bottle in the baby's mouth.

"There you go," he encouraged the small one, as soon as he heard the sounds of the baby drinking.

Bucky sat down on the chair in the corner of the room, opposite of the crib. He just stared as the newborn drank their bottle, while simultaneously falling asleep. Even though he was completely exhausted, he had never felt more happier. More at peace with where his life was at.

As long as he kept trying his best, he knows he can do this for the rest of his life.