#(their support meant a lot to him)
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Thinking about Elizabeth Woodville as a gothic heroine is making me go insane. She entered the story by overturning existing social structures, provoking both ire and fascination. She married into a dynasty doomed to eat itself alive. She was repeatedly associated with the supernatural, both in terms of love and death. Her life was shaped entirely by uncanny repetitions - two marriages, two widowhoods, two depositions, two flights to sanctuary, two ultimate reclamations, all paralleling and ricocheting off each other. Her plight after 1483 exposed the true rot at the heart of the monarchy - the trappings of royalty pulled away to reveal nothing, a never-ending cycle of betrayal and war, the price of power being the (literal) blood of children. She lived past the end of her family name, she lived past the end of her myth. She ended her life in a deeply anomalous position, half-in and half-out of royal society. She was both a haunting tragedy and the ultimate survivor who was finally free.
#elizabeth woodville#nobody was doing it like her#I wanted to add more things (eg: propaganda casting her as a transgressive figure and a threat to established orders; the way we'll never#truly Know her as she's been constantly rewritten across history) but ofc neither are unique to her or any other historical woman#my post#wars of the roses#don't reblog these tags but - the thing about Elizabeth is that she kept winning and losing at the same time#She rose higher and fell harder (in 1483-85) than anyone else in the late 15th century#From 1461 she was never ever at lasting peace - her widowhood and the crisis of 1469-71 and the actual terrible nightmare of 1483-85 and#Simnel's rebellion against her family and the fact that her birth family kept dying with her#and then she herself died right around the time yet another Pretender was stirring and threatening her children. That's...A Lot.#Imho Elizabeth was THE adaptor of the Wars of the Roses - she repeatedly found herself in highly anomalous and#unprecedented situations and just had to survive and adjust every single time#But that's just...never talked about when it comes to her#There are so many aspects of her life that are potentially fascinating yet completely unexplored in scholarship or media:#Her official appointment in royal councils; her position as the first Englishwoman post the Norman Conquest to be crowned queen#and what that actually MEANT for her; an actual examination of the propaganda against her; how she both foreshadowed and set a precedent#for Henry VIII's english queens; etc#There hasn't even been a proper reassessment of her role in 1483-85 TILL DATE despite it being one of the most wildly contested#periods in medieval England#lol I guess that's what drew me to Elizabeth in the first place - there's a fundamental lack of interest or acknowledgement in what was#actually happening with her and how it may have affected her. There's SO MUCH we can talk about but historians have repeatedly#stuck to the basics - and even then not well#I guess I have more things to write about on this blog then ((assuming I ever ever find the energy)#also to be clear while the Yorkists did 'eat themselves alive' they also Won - the crisis of 1483-85 was an internal conflict within#the dynasty that was not related to the events that ended in 1471 (which resulted in Edward IV's victory)#Henry Tudor was a figurehead for Edwardian Yorkists who specifically raised him as a claimant and were the ones who supported him#specifically as the husband of Elizabeth of York (swearing him as king only after he publicly swore to marry her)#Richard's defeat at Bosworth had *nothing* to do with 'York VS Lancaster' - it was the victory of one Yorkist faction against another#But yes the traditional line of succession was broken by Richard's betrayal and the male dynastic line was ultimately extinguished.
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really love how throughout a lot of smith and jones martha is really skeptical and apprehensive towards ten (+ one of my favorite exchanges between them - "what, people call you 'the doctor'?" "yeah?" "well, i'm not. far as i'm concerned, you've got to earn that title."), not taking everything he says at face value, even doubting the fact he's an alien until over halfway through the episode.. And like. i really truly think the thing that wins her over isn't him kissing her or any of the other insane mixed messages he manages to send, it's this scene here, where he /earns that title/ in her eyes:
(+ david's bit in the commentary, where he says: "[the doctor] has actually sacrificed himself, and - i would say, that that final act of selflessness is what finally, eventually, welds martha to him. [...] and she now returns it. she returns that act of selflessness.")
this is what their relationship is built on. it isn't about martha being the second-best replacement to rose or a rebound or whatever. bc it isn't really about rose. it's about doctor-in-training martha meeting someone (quite literally, "the doctor") whose ideals she aspires to, and doing her best to be the same person to him as he is to everyone else. it's about ten in return admiring her intelligence and inquisitiveness and how she cares for human life, recovering his compassion, letting himself lean on her for support - and then remembering at the most inopportune moments that he's supposed to not need anyone and be on his own forever. And around in their little nightmare loop they go where they save each other over and over until one of them breaks
i've seen ppl look at martha and go "why she does she admire/why is she so in love with ten if he acts like that to her?" or something along those lines and like. it's not just the fact she's in love with him (in fact i'd argue she actively tries to push it aside post-gridlock). it's the fact that she knows he's the kind of person to put everyone else's lives/well-being over his own. she trusts him to save her when she's in trouble even though it's been like two days at most that they've known one another bc she recognizes that same "deep all-encompassing drive to help others" in him. and she also recognizes, much much earlier than him, that he needs someone to save him, especially when he's unwilling to save himself. and yeah for a bit she thinks he returns her feelings and is just playing hard-to-get, but she realizes pretty early on that this probably isn't the case, and i think that realization fully solidifies here:
(this is when she's listening to ten talk abt gallifrey). And idk it might just be me but i think this expression isn't just her empathizing with his loss. it's also guilt, for wanting something from him that he's clearly unable to give when he's wracked with so much grief. (and you see it in the next episode, where tallulah asks if they're together and martha says for certain that they're not, and that he doesn't know about her feelings for him. she keeps everything to herself bc she now knows that when he shut her flirting down at the end of 3x01 it was the genuine reaction of someone who a) isn't interested and b) is scared of getting close with someone else again)
freema described their dynamic as "she's keener than him" and i think about this all the time. martha doesn't really take what ten throws at her. what she does instead is constantly poke holes in his already-failing front of "i will show someone the wonders of the universe so i can ignore what is wrong with me". what she does is stand up and fight him when he tries to go off on his own. what she does is put aside her well-being in favor of helping someone - just like what she saw him do for the people in the hospital when they first met. tldr, that's the doctor and his doctor and rip martha you would've loved who's gonna save u now by rina sawayama
#THIS ISNT ABOUT ROSE WE CAN STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT WHITE GIRL FOR 1 SECOND. IDC#ALL SHE DOES W REGARDS TO MARTHA IS REMIND HER THAT TEN ISNT GOING TO FALL IN LOVE W HER.#ALL SHE DOES W REGARDS TO TEN IS REMIND HIM THAT EVERY TIME HE LOVES SOMEONE HES FATED TO LOSE THEM. WE CAN IGNORE HER PAST THIS. GBLESS#martha jones#tenth doctor#dr who#ten and martha#'theyre like a rebound' shooting you with my laser eyes sorry. martha says it when she still thinks he's taking her on dates#if he hadn't opened up about gallifrey she would've been totally fine w him taking her back home#and meanwhile ten is very unaware of any kind of romantic element until like the fuckinn. last possible moment lmfao#they are doctor and mentally unstable bus driver. Or perhaps grieving man (genderneutral) and their One (1) friend that has to support them#um idk what this post is. i wanted to pick apart martha's brain for a hot second.#edit:#it's not like 5 am and i'm reading these tags and they're a lot more mean than i meant to put them down as#Not changing them bc i already wrote so much it's out there in the world already sorry. just imagine i'm saying this all nicely#10 era
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underrated hiccstrid moment is astrid telling hiccup “i’m proud of you” in the hidden world :,)
#we didn’t get a verbal i love you in the movies (bc that was rightfully saved for hiccup and toothless)#but ‘i’m proud of you!’ is equally important and cute to me#i love that she told him that#i love that they’re more verbally affectionate as they grow up#‘thanks for supporting me last night it meant a lot’ i could weep#they’re so sweet to each other#iduna.txt#httyd#hiccstrid
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I dont think Mob is naive as much as he's socially unaware, like the reason why he trusts Reigen so blindly is a bit more complex than just him being naive
Cause Mob reached out to Reigen because he was desperate to find someone like him, someone who understood his psychic specific issues, someone that could truly know what he's feeling and going through and give him guidance and support
Post incident Mob's thinking process was something along the lines of my powers hurt people -> my powers are bad -> my powers (my emotions, my instincts, myself) cannot be trusted
So he lost all confidence and trust in his own actions, resigning to being as passive as possible to avoid any further damage to anyone else, thus he started doubting his own perception of reality too
He's a kid already struggling with being ostracised for being socially inept, who just got traumatised and all of his insecurity increased by the tenfold, he doesn't know how to process what he's going through. He needs help.
And here comes Reigen, seemingly reliable, a responsible adult in a child's eyes, someone who claims he can understand him
Even tho Reigen doesnt. But it doesn't matter, because Mob finds comfort in his words and takes them to heart
Even if Reigen doesn't fully get it, even if he doesn't see the bigger picture, even if his advice isn't always the best
Eventually, Mob grows up, realises Reigen isn't as honest as he seemed through his 11 year old perspective, but like most things, he refuses to acknowledge it on a deeper level
Mob knows, but never tells Reigen, never thinks about what all those lies mean to him (ofc until he forces himself to face those doubts regarding Reigen, to properly acknowledge both of their flaws and accept them as they are, I should scream into the void about Confession Arc more God)
Due to his lack of trust in himself, Mob has relied on Reigen for years now to shape his moral compass, his thoughts, his decisions
Because well, Reigen lies, sure, but he isnt a bad person. When he hurts Mob, it isn't intentional or with ill intent, he still wants the best for him, what's the issue?
Except that it stunts Mob's growth. He doesn't develop as a person, doesn't have goals or wishes or ambitions, can't make choices on his own, he doesn't even let himself acknowledge his own emotions, he refuses to let himself exist
But Mob realises in time that he wants more than that, he wants to become better and be independent and feel again
Still, he puts the acknowledgement of the lies on hold for as long as he can, unwilling to question the way things are
This can make him feel a little naive, he constantly relies on Reigen and trusts his decisions and raises questions rarely until separation arc when he finally puts his foot down
And I do think that moment is the most resounding proof we have that Mob knows and allows himself to be used by Reigen, not wanting to shake the status quo, until he gets fed up
I mentioned the social ineptitude at the beggining but idk if I should even elaborate on that, you've watched the show, you know what I mean
He's blunt and can't read social cues or tonality that well and can't speak in front of crowds and is overall pretty awkward and I do think some people conflate that with naivety
Mob is still a child, he doesnt fully understand how the world works at the ripe age of 14 years old, but some folks take that as him being inherently naive/innocent/whatever which I don't find true
#ppl do a similar thing with seri but for different reasons but i do think in his case its worse cause thats a whole ass adult#anyway. i dont think im saying anything new i just wanted to ramble <3#i missed mobposting what can i say#ik i saw somebody talk about this in a more eloquent way but i doubt i could find the post cause i dont think i rbed it so rip#mp100#mob psycho 100#kageyama shigeo#that ova needs to come out already im going insane#cine te a intrebat#also hope i didnt come off as too negative towards reigen or smth#but like. my favourite part of confession is him saying (i didnt know!) LIKE YEAH. U DIDNT. LMAO.#ppl treat him as a bit too reliable sometimes and dont give him a lot of room to grow like Reigen isnt even 30 yet!! he aint that old!!#he still needs to get HIS own shit tgt before giving out advice just saying. also he totally doesnt understand mob fully. how can he??#he never mentions the incident with ritsu and considering mobs inclination of never telling anyone anything unless prompted#i doubt he knows... like reigen genuinely doesnt know the extent of mobs trauma!! when he said I Didnt Know he meant that shit!!!!!!#which is like. fine. cause to me whats important is how he always wants to protect mob and support him and help him#even if he doesnt always know how. even if advice backfires. hes always there and hes always trying and hes just as human and flawed as mob#himself#ig what im getting at is just that im bothered by the Flavour of reliable adult fandom is giving him. hes a lil pathetic and#fucks up sometimes and thats fiiiiiine. i feel like i talked shit about reigen but i do think hes a good guy and IS reliable just not in the#gives great advice way. but in the Knows How To Talk And Bullshit His Way Through Everything and Has Genuinely Good Intentions (usually)#and will throw away all of his self preservation if the situation requires him to. his advice is good but can be vague idk ONE rlly managed#to balance his pathetic side with his helpful reliable side and i dont think i articulated it the best way but like.... hes simultaneously#pathetic and sad but also the most sane and reliable adult in this show. rant over see u next time byeeee
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Broke: Damian is bad at being a Robin because he's too violent
Woke: Damian is bad at being a Robin because he's afraid to hurt people
#obviously it's always funny to do the whole 'what do u have there Damian?' 'a knife!' 'nO' thing#and like make him a horrendous and silly evil gremlin who can and will pull a sword out in the middle of a parking lot to fight#but listen#he doesn't like the assassin background that much and once he learns about like The Normal World he's honestly in anguish about it#that's canon! that's the truth! (right?) (the whole thing with Goliath?? I'm not making it up right???)#i think he's just the kind of guy who loves his swords because they're what he knows and they're a strong connection to his family#but I think it's nice if he spends his time on field telling others what to do because everyone else learned to fight the OTHER way#(by defending and subduing opponents rather than maiming and killing)#so he prefers to take on a tactician general role despite being perfectly capable as a fighter because he knows what everyone else needs#to do to succeed in fights - especially when things are a bit of a mess - but is afraid to be too rough or scary or violent or Demon Son-is#(the things that make him feel like he doesn't belong in a happy civilian world - WHICH IS WHAT HE WANTS IN MY HUMBLE OPINION.)#in this essay I will explain why this allows for him to show awe and love for each of his siblings' fight styles by utilising all of them#and I just think Dami Babs and Tim could really work together as a detective/tactician comms team (with varying distances from the field)#because I think that'd be so fun: Tim is solving (mid-range) Babs is watching/providing supports (far) and Damian is commanding (close)#because the others are like The Bruisers (in their non-lethal way) who trust themselves to only hurt as much as is needed and are good at i#PLUS babs is SO stretched thin and literally the backbone of the bats so I just want a future where some of the kids become HER robins yk#anyway back to the point of the post:#it's kind of alluded to in 2017 supersons; EVERYONE in it comments on how Robin is JUST doing flips and shouting orders#and jon is like The Muscle and the one Doing Stuff - but Jon IS following orders 85% of the time and it works out well for them because#that dynamic of 'I'm not sure I can do it right by myself and I trust you to be my partner so we can do it right together' really#is my favourite like.. they're both filling these ideas of who they're meant to be and they just :( they just seek their own path together#oh no I lost the point again immediately and it became another WHY DO THEY SEPARATE THEM rant#I just think it's really fun to think of Damian as 'the most well trained fighter but ALSO the most likely to step back from a fight'#like yeah when we add in my thoughts on pit rage it adds some angst but that doesn't matter here in THIS post#have I even talked about my hc on pit rage/madness? I don't think I have LMAO (maybe another day)#anyway it's late I'm tired why do I always chat in the tags so much#my posts are literally all in the tags 2% post 98% tags smh#damian wayne#damian al ghul#damian al ghul wayne
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I think the reason I differ from a lot of Akechi fans (and I am sincerely a fan!) is that I don’t find his backstory all that sad or for that matter interesting. It might be because I see it more interesting analyzed as a warped reflection of Ken Amanda’s backstory rather than a unique story of its own. And his plan, I find it pathetic more than anything else, sad only in its level of sheer stupidity, shortsightedness and miserable ineffectuality of self obsessed teenager-hood. But that’s what’s compelling about it and him! in my eyes, what’s interesting and unique about his character and has the potential to tell new stories that haven’t been done before has nothing to do with his pain or his redemption, except when kept in conversation with the undeniable fact that his plan was an ass-backwards idiotic and selfish plan fueled on nothing but spite by a deeply self-centered child who grew into an egotistical young adult without any reckoning of how completely stupid and impossible it all was.
#goro akechi#this isn’t meant as#negativity#i think this trait of his is genuinely well written#I just don’t fully agree with people’s beliefs in his level of remorse#I think he shows a lot more convictions of his own beliefs and his behavior itself indicates that in the important ways#he has not reckoned with the enormity of his actions or grown to regret them#there are inklings of the potential but no actual payoff and much more evidence of the opposite#unless you take the position that literally everything he ever says honestly is on some level a lie#which in some ways I think is obviously the case and I’d be stupid to argue#but not literally all of them. there are moments where he shows joker his true feelings#and I don’t think they show him in a remorseful or repentant light#I think a lot of people project what they want his character to be onto the text itself when the text doesn’t actually support it#or rather sometimes people take a very deliberate stance in their reading of the text to produce the desired result#whether consciously or not some take the perspective of “how can I interpret his actions in a way that makes him easier to redeem”#not that that’s wrong. I just disagree with their reading of the text.#persona#persona 5#persona 5 spoilers#my posts
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Book 2 was not bad, you all just didn’t care about the book outside of your white boy LI
#not to say it didn’t have its issues. but so annoying how that’s all everyone focuses on instead of what we got#the light/shadow dichotomy the dismantling of light supremacy and hegemony#the way nia is deeply embodies the light and shadow dichotomy and how her arc mirrors the whole story#how through meeting with others characters we are able to explore the world of blades in a wat we didn’t know before#the endless summer-esqe choice and what they meant for the realms#playchoices#choices#pixelberry#blades of light and shadow#bolas#blades#nia ellarious#i was literally an aerinmancer (still am even if he isn’t my main li anymore) but it was so weird how some of you were unable to enjoy the#book without him and started shitting on the female lis because they dared take the spotlight#truly a lot of you think female characters place#is on the sidelines supporting mc#also when we found out aerin wasn’t supposed to even come back at all. so you all were shitting on valax for no reason after all
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Let him dad her!! (Patreon)
#Doodles#Adventure Time#Fionna and Cake#Fionna Campbell#Simon Petrikov#I cannot BeLieve that they didn't hug at any point - illegal. One million years dungeon#She slapped him (deservedly) but they didn't hug by the end??? I had to fix it#Jerry is my favourite episode so that at least was an easy choice lol#If anywhere would be a good place to cross that line it would be to comfort her! I can't imagine he'd initiate tho haha#She's just seeking comfort so badly <3 I know she's at least legally considered an adult but she's still a kid!#And Simon just keeps adopting kids lol#He's a good dad :) Not a perfect one but y'know? He helps where he can#Sometimes all we need is a parent figure giving you a hug and saying ''You know what? You're right - this sucks. But I see you''#Fionna's quite interesting 'cause like - she's meant to be a Finn but there are a lot of differences between her and quite a few Finns!#A lot of that is Because she lived in Simon's head for so long but I wonder - most Finns have decent support systems and she seems a little#Well not lacking Exactly but her fallbacks aren't as numerous - and she's not able to fulfill her life's purpose so she's just kinda wayward#Seeing that kind of Finn finally able to spread their wings but still have a lot of Finn trappings like naivety and impulsivity ♪#She's interesting! I quite like her :D Plus it's cool to see her natural EQ when she calls out Simon later in this episode unknowingly haha#I stopped at episode eight for a while but year her line about ''Then you got on the bus right? :D'' and him refuting it#Hmmm ♪ It was certainly interesting - I'm glad they addressed it :)#Plus she's fun to draw haha ♫ Her bunny ears! And the jacket she took from Martin </3 She has a fun design#And as always Simon is fun to draw :) Especially piecemeal here haha - just his mouth or just his eyes ♪ Cute :)
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Anyone else feel like Kaito is almost becoming a secondary character in his own manga due to the heists slowly becoming DC clones of figuring out the tricks going on instead of just letting the heist happen and staying within Kaito's perspective.
#Like. I do wonder how much better things would have been if all we got#Was Aoko talking about her mom. And then Kaito wondering what will happen#Him picking up on the clues /he/ needs to deal with her and Naka#And us not knowing exactly what he's planning nor seeing Midoriko until the heist#I don't mind the other characters being there but. I don't need to follow the detective pov in my thief story#The DC-ified heists I do think could be fixed by just. Keeping the focus where its supposed to be; for the most part#Back when Sun Halo came out I even said it would have flowed better if we purely focused on Kaito and Aoko#And then when Hakuba shows up at the end; do a flashback to show how he got there#It doesnt fix everything; but itd make the chapters a whole lot more palatable#(But I'm sure that'd mess up Gosho's chapter by chapter structure somehow idk)#I miss old Mk's stories where anything could happen but you're always meant to support Kaito
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Literally no other way I could describe it right now.
#there are some serious feelings attached to all thats happening#im saddened. im mad. at the end of the day this is how i cope so im sorry if you dont feel like humor is your way out#im disappointed and digusted#personally#neil gaiman#is innocent until proven guilty and my heart goes out to the victims of this whole situation.#i know. i KNOW the right is gonna make it about trans rights and the left is gonna make this about zionism and how these results are#unsurprising due to him being 'either' of these (which im not going into)#because its NOT about those. its the disgusting behaviors he did w those women. consent or not he actively sought out rlly young women.#i hold out a tiny bit of hope but if all things go to shit I dont rlly have anything to fall back on in terms of fandom.#good omens got me through shit. it got me through hell and some my worst times ever.#ive made irreplaceable IRL friends#idk#just some feelings im putting out here. im still gonna 100% support all GO creators (unless they outright excuse NG's actions esp when hes#not yet proven innocent)#but yeah#i havent spoken about this in my other accs and I think this is the only coherent thought I can manage from all of that.#again. really upset. but we got this. were all in this together yk? theres no one side or another to SA but to support the victims.#thats all im rlly gonna say. just remember that Im sending uou guys lots of love. lets get through this <3#[EDIT: I MEANT TO SAY NEIL IS GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT FOR ME !!!!]
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Can only make messy pen doodles at work at the moment, but wanted to show appreciation in some way for all the love y’all have been giving/given Oaken!
Honestly wasn’t expecting people to like him for various reasons, so it does mean a lot to me that some are so enthusiastic about him!
Once again, thank y’all so so much!!
#rescue bots#transformers rescue bots#transformers#maccadam#tf oc#tfrb oc#rb oc#my oc#oaken burns (oc)#human x alien#(implied)#my doodle#traditional#transformers oc#he ended up being a character who meant quite a lot to me so it makes me so happy to see all of y’all supporting and liking him!
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some recent sprites for "on the flip side" characters (or rather the dimensional doubles of existing characters lol). ive posted characters from this universe a lot over the years, as its my oldest story that i still work on/think about, but ive never really explained who they are! if youd like to explore the setting and characters of "on the flip side" a bit, i made a carrd for it here (its still a wip but im trying to get it all finished within the month! main characters have fully written out bios & backstories, some side characters still just have basic info.) (also this all takes place in a fictional californian city and if you read this and go "wow that is definitely not how things are in california or the us" sorry i dont know shit im french.)
#ocs#sprites#otfps#cassie#damien#richie#freddie#mariko#marty#im not actively working on otfps As A Story bc im no longer sure what medium to make it#(it was originally thought of as a script for a tv show. eventually moved into a comic project. then decided a visual novel was better#and then thought of making it just a novel. currently not sure which way to move it & im just focused on other projects.)#im sure ill eventually come back to otfps in some way or another as im v attached to these characters and their story#but for now theyre just Around and i draw them sometimes#carl is written down as 'little is known about his early life' but dw I Know. im just not telling.#these are not even all the characters in the setting either..#theres like. the other side of the keene family (landons twin sister her husband and their three kids)#as well as koënn and karol#but those characters dont show up within the first arc of the story so im not even including them ok..#oh also to clarify#when i say the main 4#the protagonist of the story is caroline and she was always meant to be the main pov character#however a lot of the story has come to revolve around carl (though you dont get much insight into him originally)#so hes like. well hes not a secondary protagonist. hes not a pov character. idk what he is but hes v important to the story lol#the other main 2 are côme and lucy#overall its primarily a story about the keene siblings + lucy who serves as the only character w in depth knowledge of the setting#also its a story about people w issues and the different ways they cope w them#and a lot of it is about young people who grew up w absentee parents trying to figure themselves out without good parental support#so if you wonder why half the characters parents are super distant and never around. well its kinda the point basically
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a good cry always does wonders
#sorry for the vent ! feel free to scroll past !#had a nice conversation w my bf today#let out a good cry#and idt ive ever loved him more#was anxious about sharing lots of things w him bc i didn't really know how he'd react#or was afraid of disappointing him or smth but#he could already tell#i never used to fully grasp what it meant or felt like when ppl would say: someone who knows u better than u know urself#but today he rlly showed me just that#he's been hinting smth at me for the past few months that he thinks maybe this one thing i'm trying out isn't really for me#bec i guess he could really see that i was just trying to force it#and when i was sharing how i felt today and couldn't really voice it out#he tried to help me w it and asked if i was feeling x way and y way#and it was exactly that :( he said it was cos he's been noticing it from me for a while#and he was so sweet with the way he responded too#all love and support and not in any way disappointed at all#and idk i just feel like wow. isn't that such a special thing? to have someone know and respect u like this#i appreciate how he didn't push/pry at me the months before (bc he knows i don't really like being prodded unless i share it myself)#(i like to keep things to myself for a while to give myself the chance to handle it before involving others)#and idk i'm feeling a different type of soft today#and like a huge weight was lifted off me#lovebug#i talked so much again
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A fun little fact about the Fallen Children, but Clover, Robin, and Léo are like the trio ever. Like I have a lot of headcanons about those three hanging out.
#RK Chat#Clover UTY#Robin#Léo#They're literally the trio ever like#Clover is bros with Léo they get up to shenanigans together and love to play tennis with the single braincell between them#Clover has a crush on Robin who was slow on the uptake to realize that it was a crush and not only them being really good friends#Léo full on menace bullies Clover about it#Kissy faces and everything#Léo would punch a thousand men if it meant keeping Robin safe and Robin in turn trusts him with her life#Clover AND Léo are Robin's mkst obnoxious supporters they literally hoot and clap when she does the most trivial of things#I really like them. Been doodling a lot of them lately.
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Waiting for Permission to Be Sick - Input Requested!
So, I got officially diagnosed with two chronic conditions last week. And the doctor explained to me the details of how these conditions affect my body, and what kinds of symptoms to look out for, and what I can expect life to look like going forward. And I got prescribed meds, and given detailed instructions for when to take them and any side effects I might experience and what to do to help myself feel better if I'm not feeling well, and all of that.
And I just. Haven't done it. I've started taking some of the meds, but not all of them, and like. There's no real reason for me not to? I'm just. Not doing it. Like I've looked up some products on Etsy to have like. Emergency medical info with me so that if I randomly black out or faint again in public, someone could see me and have info know what to do. And I've been looking at pins that say "I have an invisible disability" and aaaaaaaall sorts of stuff. Basically just window shopping for my chronic illness starter kit. But it's been over a week now and I haven't bought anything, and I seem to have convinced myself that I can't start taking my meds until I have all of my Items sorted out and prepared. And like -- there are some actual reasons for this, such as my schedule has been all over the place and my meds need to be taken at multiple times a day at certain intervals, and some with food and some without food, so I need to be able to have that stuff ready to go even when I'm out and about.
But I'm not. Actually doing the work to get everything sorted out and ready? I'm just window shopping. And today, I have been very tired all day because of the rain and because I did too much yesterday, and my head has been hurting because I'm still not over my concussion and I also probably did too much today, even though honestly all I did was go to one class and observe the whole time, and read a couple of emails. And I thought to myself, "well I guess I should take tylenol for my head, and I guess I can give myself permission to do that since my boyfriend is busy and can't tell me to take care of myself --- oh."
I have been waiting for someone to give me permission to identify as chronically ill! Even today I was like "I feel like I've managed to convince myself that I feel worse than I actually do, and I'm actually fine." Even though there would be no real reason for me to be doing that. And like. My head actually hurts! I really did and still do feel tired! And I've seen my test results, and I know that I have a chronic condition. It's been medically confirmed by a bunch of different tests, and multiple medical professionals have been like "yep you've got something wrong with you" (though using more professional and kind words, of course). All of this to say -- I have been waiting for someone to tell me that I am ill and it is chronic and that it is okay to spend money on taking care of myself and things that will make me feel better, even if it is only temporary like the excitement of buying a new pouch that says "This Bag Is Full of Drugs" specifically to keep my medical supplies in, or something to help keep me safe going forward like a medical alert key chain. The only question now is -- what do I do about this? How do I give myself permission to need help or extra accommodations or even just some medication when I never want to admit that I need or want help? I'm so used to being self-sufficient and doing everything by myself that I don't know how to be okay with more problems.
Has anyone else experienced something like this? What do you do? How do you learn to be okay with the fact that your body is not going to go back to the way it was before? I am only 22 and it's hard to accept that my life is not going to look the way I pictured it when I was 18.
#this post got a lot longer than i meant it to but it sort of turned into journaling halfway through#hopefully people still read it?#hopefully it was not too long to be worth reading?#it's just hard because like. i Already have dealt with a lot of problems in my life#and the whole reason i've been trying so hard to avoid getting covid and getting sick in general#among other reasons#is that i already have Ailments and i don't want more meds to worry about and things that have to be on my radar#and now with this diagnosis it's like yeah i have confirmation so at least the waiting to know is off my radar#but now i have more meds to worry about and more Scheduling that has to be done#plus i've already been pill shamed in the past by my older sister just for taking adhd meds#i don't want to get more shit from her for this#idk dude#just a lot on my plate and now there's more and it makes everything more complicated and harder#at least my boyfriend has been amazing though#he has been so supportive through everything and like he still wants to marry me and everything and it just feels really good#to have his support like that#i know people make jokes about someone talking about their partner and it's just their boyfriend matt#but my boyfriend matt really is my partner in everything and i love him#go matt#everyone applaud for matt#if you read this far into the tags i think you should get a cookie#and i hope you had/have a good day today#also though matt was like 'maybe you should get a cane for times when you have to stand up for a long time' and#idk if i'm ready for that#or if it's even necessary#idk#lots of things#too many things even#i'm tired of there being things#ALSO if anyone read this far and has any product recommendations that made their life easier please lmk
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Oooh I’d absolutely love to listen if you’d ever want to share your experience with the differences in male and women writers 👀🤍
(x)
Hahaha, mm, look, I should disclaimer this with the fact that a lot of the men and women I spoke to at the writers centre weren't necessarily writers so much as they wanted to be writers?
The writers centre I worked at was a non-profit arts support service, so we were separate from the authors guild / union, but basically the organisation they'd refer people onto a lot for anything from people wanting to do creative writing workshops and masterclasses to people needing advice on preparing their novel manuscript for submission to legal advice on publishing contracts or even just connections to bookstores. It was a real mix of stuff, and our clientele ranged from absolute beginners and hobbyists to probably some of the most famous Australian authors working. I'd say most of the membership though was early career writers who had probably had a couple of short stories published, and were hoping to get a novel out.
I worked there for five and a half years and it really burnt me out. It was a pretty gruelling job, the pay was shit, and while a lot of people calling up were lovely, a lot were calling either to vent about rejection or were in a crisis mode usually because they'd just been preyed on by self-publishers and vanity presses and were now stuck in contracts that would financially ruin them.
But yes, haha, in my experience of working there and talking to writers literally all day, every day, from across the spectrum of experience:
Men will never sign up as a member (ergo pay their dues), donate or support the Centre, but WILL take advantage of the free advice line. I think we worked out at one point 92% of our paying members were women, yet I'd say over half the calls I took during the day were men.
Men consistently think they've written a hit. Quotes I've never forgotten include "This'll be bigger than Dan Brown and Robert Ludlum combined", "Now, is it you I should talk to when the bidding war starts?" and, my personal favourite: "I've written the greatest book since Federation."
They WILL send you their manuscript even though you are very clear that you do not read manuscripts at the centre. We are eight staff, we have 4k members, it is not possible.
Sometimes! Those manuscripts they send you will have capital I Images on the covers of them to 'catch your eye'. The worst one I ever saw was a woman stark naked spread eagle with a swastika photoshopped over her vagina.
Men do not think workshops will help them. They know enough and if you suggest a workshop on, say, writing fight scenes, or preparing your manuscript for publication, they will get audibly annoyed at you and usually wrap up the conversation.
Men will call to ask you why their self-published book isn't selling on Amazon like it's your fault.
Men will call to ask you why their traditionally published book isn't selling anywhere like it's your fault (I don't know, man! Probably because publishers have no marketing budgets anymore!)
Men are Never Wrong and also Always the Victim, which I guess is basically what you'd expect, haha.
#i would say working with male writers as a writer is different to working with them as a support service like that#in ways that are both better and worse lol#i dated a guy writer once off and on for like#a couple of years#and at the start of our relationship he was a lot more successful than me and really on the rise / 'hot' as an emerging writer#this is while i was working at the centre too actually#then i got more successful than him and in a tale as old as time#it imploded our relationship lol#he only dates women in their early twenties now#(he's 36)#which also feels a tale as old as time#i can barely date men these days because every time i say that i'm a writer the inevitable response is#oh i'm writing a book#and then the date morphs into one of the phone calls i'd take at the writers centre#it's wild haha#writing asks#this probably isn't what you meant anon but it is something i still think about all the time
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