#(i just know enough to know how much i dont know. yknow?)
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love thinking kipperlilly spends her afterlife looking for lucy in a familiar forest
#not art#fhjy#fhjy spoilers#like. does she have a mean of knowing lucy and yolanda got sent to cassandra's domain to hang out for a bit#kipperlilly's isolation means so much to me. she is punished for everything she's done she just doesn't pick up on it#until the moment she dies! one more funky thing that mirrors riz in which he's actively tried to cultivate a community and denied it#until the bad kids. while kipperlilly does not want or care about a community she just wants someone who validates her#but she does Need a community so she latches onto the person she lets closer to her to fulfill her emotional needs#she took the ritual willingly so this might genuinely be her first death. probably terrifying#probably not even enough bandwidth to feel mortified. maybe immediately seeking something comforting out of instinct alone#lmao honestly thinking too much abt fantasy high afterlifes gives me a headache And a visceral fear#Im not religious but I grew up in a culture with a dominantly buddhist/taoist cosmology its Scary that u just go to A Place after u die!!#and then ur still urself!!! thats scary to me what do u mean u stay like that forever. thats fucked#but yeah I think this influences how I see kipperlilly turn out a little bit. in a sense I think of her as being a ghost now#yknow. trying to solve something from life so she can move on and. stop living this life etc#man the reveal that lucy took being killed pretty seriously and is like yeah the others are decent and even sweet#and probably was just trying to hold her party together and do what she thinks is moral by hearing kipperlilly out#lol lmao etc. gods I gotta wonder how kipperlilly's mindset handled jawbones' help#it really is damn tragic tho. I stand by what I said folks like this will complain and be nasty to be around#but they dont have enough desire to inconvenience themselves to off the bat do something abt what they find unfair or whatever#its when theyre handed the seemingly very easy means to be right that they'll start being dangerous#its horribly tragic that the supposed metaplayer and the self-perceived mastermind turned out to ultimately be just an useful idiot#yknow what. I think personally in my heart kipperlilly moves on from her afterlife the moment she says sorry#doesnt even have to be to lucy but that's probably gonna be who received it#ah.... teenage rebellion. teenage gamejacking
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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i'm trying to watch a trans guy critique some video game trans rep bc i'm interested in hearing more trans ppl talk about it. but he's very. i'm paraphrasing here but "why would anyone ever in a million years want their rpg character to have top surgery scars. isnt that a constant reminder to you and everyone around you about how you were born" and "you don't work on transitioning. you just need hormone treatment and possibly some--"
#i get that some trans men need to fight themselves and everyone around them to feel ''man enough'' in like a semi toxic masculinity way#but its kinda tiring to hear ngl. im sorry you feel that way and i know not having been born cis sucks and i understand your emotions but d#you have to make them my problem. like idk i feel like my transition DID take work and#personally for me my top surgery scars are a positive reminder of how far ive gotten#when i pay them any attention. which is not very often#man im just existing not analyzing every part of my body at all times#yknow. some ppl sound like they watched a bit too much of a certain youtuber who was rancid about other trans men and talked about stuff li#like how theres a mens and womens way to flip your middle finger and stuff.#sight thats so besides the point#anyways i am open to hearing opinions that differ from mine and i want to do that but some people you just dont vibe with#leevi talks#obvs no hate to this creator btw. he speaks about stuff very well but some little word choices here and there rub me the wrong way#and he has good points so far i am intrigued of what he has to say i just needed a break to bitch so i can continue#edit: no this video isnt even good. like i dont agree with bioware but he sounds like hes just on purpose misunderstanding everything#so he has more stuff to get mad about for his video#is it ragebait
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Anyway
Todays episodes
Idk
I dont know what the future one was trying to tell me
But poor puppet trying to get info and everyones like WTF
like an alternate future that dosnt help at all
#are they showing what couldve happen what could happen etc idk#anyway poor sun. also HEY SOLAR??? ALRIGHT BRUH??#anyway earth talking about moon was frustrating but its not like. i dont know why#but damn being the viewer and knowing things sucks because the other character dont know osmething#but all in all earth proving that no one reading the red flags of the situation#i thought yall were exagerating but no. no. everyones convinced moons super bad and cant be forgiven#and its??? i think sun more or less understands somethings wrong but like... in a different way wntirely#i feel bad for sun for hearing all that and just 'i dont believe that'necause yeH??? thats???#that SHOULD be having everyone going Well thats WEIRD and OFF.#while hilarious that earth and ruin agreeing with moons weirdness last episode#anyway wowewo im disappointed in everyone BUt Lunar and sun#and thats cause lunar didnt say much just stares atmonty 'u talked to old moon???'#yknow like HUH YEAH OF COURSE THAT DIDNT HELP MONTY#THE MAN WAS FRAGILE ENOUGH MENTALLY AND U MADE IT WORSE BY... literally going#'we'll just get rid of u and bring the old one back'LIKE THAT WASNT A CONCERN FOR NEW MOON#i dont a want a virus moon now i want this man to be literally just be handling#earth herself doesnt have an excuse for that old moon stuff-#anyway i hopw theres resolve because actually thats wild 'well we cant forgive him-'#MAYBE??? MAYBE ACTUALLY??? FORGIVE BECAUSE YALL?? JUST.?? okay anyway ik good im fine#just baffled by how earths response was really and like i think shes processing it all but likw Damn#New Moon i hope u stay buddy#sun and moon show spoilers
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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.
Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.
#my characters#waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit#deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee#and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name#deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c#man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while#he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair#ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so#its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons#but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me#and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not#fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew#and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable#while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts#and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed#so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en#so you know maybe its that idk#and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now#and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it#and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad#that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal#and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it#the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer#anyway story time in the tags again#im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note#its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him#he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times#and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea#and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you
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not going to name names bc thats messed up but omfg i was tryna find records of old heta fandom shit to show inu right and i found a hetalia iceberg and I SAW MY 2019 OPP ON THERE. IT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY LIKE MY EYES BULGED OUT OF MY SKULL BECAUSE IM NOT EVEN JOKING I HATED THIS BITCH SO MUCH WHEN I WAS 14 AND NGL I STILL HATE HER. I DIDNT SAY NOTHING AND KEPT CURTIOUS AND NORMAL OBVIOUSLY BUT ON THE INSIDE I WANTED HER ASS DEAD EVERYDAY AND WELL... you all know im never in the loop with things and had no fucking clue that she was just the antichrist for an entire group of people lol. SHE WAS MY ANTICHRIST THO. I HATED HER AND SHE HATED ME OKAY AND IM LIKE RODF SEEING HOW SHES ON THE FUCKING HETALIA ICEBERG I WAS LIKE OMG.... I THOUGHT ONLY I FUCKING DESPISED HER
#i hated her to an unhealthy amount imma be so real#bc ive never done an internet sin of like shittalking outside of priv accs/dms#or interacting anonymously with people i hate etc etc#but there are things that are like corruptions for your own soul from how sour hatred can get#and she did that to me. and i only hated her enough to do that#i have only ever in my life actively hatestalked her blog when i was 14 bc she made me so fucking mad everyday#ive only ever in my life hatestalked her like shes the only reason i can comprehend why people are compelled to hatestalk#this was all back when i was like 14 tho lol and#ugh... im sorry. as you can tell the hatred i feel towards her is like soul corrupting level#i want to say im sure she has grown up to be a fine person and logically i know this is true#but also part of me is like there is no fucking way this bitch grew up to be a fine person like the lobotomy part of my brain is saying that#i will not tell you who she is btw so dont send me an ask begging for the user#and if for some reason you have a hunch who it is. you never know you could be wrong and even if youre not i dont condone harassment towards#her or like yknow just any association like leave her tf alone#i dont have fans who love me enough or are crazy parasocial to harass someone i personally hate/hated#but still just in case#shes not an actual bad person. i just hate her so much that it makes ME a bad person on the inside#its why im so glad that i turned 15 and went i need to stop looking at her forever or else i will reincarnate as a mosquito#ill only talk to u abt her if we are at least acquatiances with eachother#and i dont think anybody will be able to figure out who she is actually bc i never once was mean to her outside of telling my close friends#i wanted her dead. me when i dont act like a beast online despite the vietnamese devil inside me
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no idea what im doing does anyone want to edit my sci fi space plant horror radio play for me /j
#lohst.txt#spores#spores my beloved#i dont know how to edit this#like. sound effects. atmospheric background noise#stuff like that#i havent touched it in months#but i really want to get it done#i have. like. a rough version of it???#its the version ive shown to a few people#but definitely not the one i want to. like. publish. yknow?#anyway i love this radio play so much#....... maybe i'll write the bmc au#.... maybe it will be popular polycule#plus michael. who's just.... there.#hes the captain and his crew are all in a polyamourous relationship with each other and hes like. yeah. fair enough#im going to find all my spores posts now
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To me, Bruce is a character who doesn't know everything and how everyone works, but he says things so confidently, and is known as a detective, so people just assume he's right and stating facts
#hes batman! of course he's looked into this objectively and isn't letting his own bias or feelings get in the way! thats his whole thing!#(he was in fact letting his own feelings and bias get in the way)#i also dont think him fully aware of this#batman is also to me a character that doesn't fully realize theres consequences to his actions or words outside of hero stuff#batman. in his grief if jason. spun a narrative to himself where jason was reckless and angry and it was all he was and it was inevitable#and never corrected tim who unabashedly thought this amd didn't like jason. and alfred always agrees with him#and well. it spread as fact about jason#and everyone else didn't know him well enough to really argue against it. they've only known him for a handful of hours total after all.#batman was his father. batman knew him. of course batman is right about him#the only person (in my memory) that doesn't go the whole “Jason was ALWAYS angry and reckless and violent and thats what he was” ?#eddie. Jason's old pen pal#anyway !#thats a glimpse in how i view bruce as someone whos read near exclusively comics about jason#im aware. that view of jason is very much from the writers sorta trying to retcon him worse/remember him that way. so batman IS tech right#but yknow me. i tend to take characters original run and appearance (80s jaybin) far more seriously than any after#(jaybin flashbacks written after his death)#and this is just how it reads from an in universe perspective
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trying to start working on my ap art summer work (put it off all summer and now theres. 10 days left until school starts apperently) i hateeeee how vague everything is ugh
#i forgot how much of a nightmare this teacher is to work with she just. never specifies enough and it drives me insane#<- ive had her multiple years now idk why she even let me take the ap class considering when i had her freshman year i literally didnt do a#single assignment for that class but i wont complain i guess lol#though tbh.. im not really sure why im even taking it i mean my friend said i should#but idk#man i dont know what to do though like#i brought this upon myself but still. why does this all have to be so vague#also i need like a themeing… i dont know man!!!!!!!!!!!!! im the most indecisive person on the planet and i never plan out pieces most of#the time. i just get rhe urge to Draw Character In Void and figure it out from there#if i start to working on a sketch… im just gonna keep working on it until i finish????#i wish i could do animation or smth. for my pieces i feel like that would backfire on me but like#itd work better within the structure she wants us to follow i think……… then again all i animate is jsut#stupid little loops or like. dumb stuff set to songs or goofy audios#idfk#inquisitivewaltz.txt#also also i have no idea if im allowed to do my summer work digitally#but im doing it that way anyways cuz it gives me more options (and i feel liek ill figure out smthn i like the look of more easily than#traditional since im just not the greatest with that..#plus i dont have any empty sketchbooks to dedicate to this class and i cant just buy one now yknow
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myah
my paimon age headcanon* is that she is like dave from kipo. she's technically a super old immortal** but also she Is a kid***. i was originally framing it as a phoenix sort of situation but dave from kipo has the same vibes plus like. being a person and not an animal and also being the same person (which, if i likened paimon to a vidyahara a la hsr, would not really be the case) *i flip flop between a few headcanons, namely the seelie one and this sort of phoenixy one. i really like paimon i have so many thoughts about her shes so interesting and sweet and ridiculous **i think the reason her memories are so inconsistent could be erosion at play. sometimes she can remember things and sometimes she is actually a really helpful guide but mostly she doesn't know what is going on and what she can remember seems so random. i also think theres some paimon lore in the wrio story quest so im actually gonna play that one just. not until the finals are done beating me up. so maybe this is all disproven there and i can stop flipflopping ***her interactions with other child characters (klee, diona, qiqi are the big three for this point) are definitely mentorly but in a fellow child sort of manner. she treats them like younger siblings typically. adult characters (albedo is the one i remember the best) often think of her as a child and she hasn't really objected to that, that i've noticed? she gets cranky about being called a pet, or food, or a toy (but still plays along sometimes because being in disguise etc etc, but she is noticeably unenthused about those labels) but i haven't really noticed her get upset about being called a kid. however, she is noticeably more helpful and more advanced than the littler child models. she seems to be similar to nahida (and they get along really well)(i really liked the paimon nahida interactions it always feels like paimon is trying to fit in with adults or babysitting kids but with nahida it felt like they matched better. despite nahida being well,,, a lot smarter). i think nahida is also a technically immortal but also kid sort of situation, but not in the same way as paimon is. nahida reminded me a lot of the aranara, with her reincarnation looking the same yet being someone else, with all the stuff about dreams, etc.. also the aranara are childlike and only knowable to children (and certain people with special circumstances) so . yeah. i think nahida is permanently in that kid but not state and paimon is currently in that kid but not state but i do kind of think paimon hasn't always been a kid, maybe possibly. i do definitely think shes existed for way longer than twenty years. but also shes kiddo.
anyway i love paimon. shes my son. id feel kinda bad for paimon haters cus she is in Every Single Thing except that like if u hate paimon why are u playing the paimon game? just to gamble???
#beeep#i also think klee is yet another genre of immortal baby. but still different. i think shes like 50 or something in a baby yoda sort of way#well maybe not precisely 50 and shes farther along than the baby yoda i think????? idk much about starwars. but like that sort of thing.#she ages but she does it reallyyyy slowly. and then qiqi doesnt age bc shes a zombie so shes yet ANOTHER type of immortal baby#but like. a human baby that became immortal. and well by baby i probably mean likeeee idk 8? 10? not Infant yknow#oh but also. also too. i think my klee headcanon paired with my diona headcanon can be a lil silly funny. or maybe sad#okay actually yea its a lil sad#i think diona ages at the normal human rate and maybe met klee earlier but now shes developmentally a bit older than klee...... and shell#probably be an adult and klee is still a kid.....#one cool thing about genshin is how the kids are actually like. interesting. admittedly i get more invested in kids storylines than other#ppl i know even if theyre mostly there just to Be A Kid Tee Em but i like that in genshin the kids matter more than like. an accessory?#idk if that description makes sense but sometimes in media kids will exist mostly to make u be like omg single father my heartttttt uwahhh#anyway my tags got way off topic from the main post. basically. i miss kipo and like paimon#oh also? paimon nobiney. i had 'proof' once but i dont think i have enough tags left on here to type it out and tbh most cis people would#not consider my proof as proof. as well as many aimon haters of the trans sort#but its proof to ME.
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uh oh i feel like i have a deeply maladaptative response to people knowing Literally Anything about me it's fine it's fine i'm handling it very well
#constantly daydreaming about throwing my phone in the river n leaving a nice note for my parents and fucking LEAVING#but like#if i just stop talking to my friends#then what's the point#do i make new friends? will i do the same shit to my new friends?#it feels like kind of a dick move to do that to people i like#and i DO like them#i like hanging out w them and just. i don't know. i feel like this freedom i dream of is something i could have in this life yknow.#i feel if i had balls i could just start living the life i want#it's not even like my parents are dicks or something they trust me and they've very understanding and loving#they wouldn't judge me for how i dress or be mad if i stay out late as long as i warn them#but i dont know. i dont know why i'm a massive fucking weirdo about it okay.#but i've caused them so much trouble already. i feel like i'm betraying them if i grow up.#i feel like i'm causing them too much worry no matter if i stray away from the nest or stay.#and i feel like a fucking monster for not loving them enough but i can't stand being near them anymore#it's too painful#i've never managed to completely hate them even when i was deep in depression and they handled it poorly#i'd get into a screaming match with my dad and an hour later we'd sing songs together in the car#but it's been so dull lately. it feels like im in a video game. picking prewritten dialogue and being fed prewritten answers.#and WHY does this happen. why can't i just have a normal relationship with people#why do i turn into an alien on his first day on earth whenever i start caring abt someone#why are we so fucking abnormal as a family that we never goddamn hang out#why am i such an empty husk of a person that i cannot for the life of me figure out something we could do together#i keep believing in this fantasm of one day changing everything in one fell swoop instead of growing up like a normal guy#because i know i'm a coward. i'm scared of other people seeing me fail.#i dont want to hurt my parents ever again and i dont want to settle for halfway freedom#so i repress hardcore things i want so that nobody not even me can decipher what it is#smth smth the enormity of my desire disgusts me#and of course it fails because im weakshit and cannot restrict anything ever#and i hurt them anyway
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monkey man was such a fantastic movie... which only makes it all the more devastating (and bewildering??) the ways it stopped short of being perfect :/
#like how do you make a movie lampooning the bjp and hindutva and the entire caste system#1) without explicitly MENTIONING caste#and 2) with making the protagonist and his family/village hindu rather than muslim or indigenous??#like they literally live in the forest. they cleared the village in the forest to build a holy site.#sort of like a similar thing that made the news lately??#like i know they were censored to some extent but still#again. amazing movie! but. confusing#and to change the flags in the movie from orange (bjp) to red (the communist flag in india)...?#anyways#fwiw im pretty clueless about all this and im just parroting these critisms#from a most-movie convo with my roommate who is indian and an organizer well-versed on the subject#or at least much more well-versed than i am#(i just know enough to know how much i dont know. yknow?)
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no, ha ha, dont kill yourself, you're a valued member of society!
we don't actually care enough to learn about you and become more than polite acquaintances nor do we actually want to interact with you beyond empty platitudes and the requisite amount of small talk to seem polite, so we don't actually know your real value or what you might actually have to offer or anything about you really. and your obvious emotional pain is making us feel bad, so if you could find some other way to relieve it that doesn't involve exposing us to it in any way shape or form, that would be preferable....
oh, but don't kill yourself, ha ha, that'd be bad! because you definitely have worth! and people definitely care about you!
#cw suicide mention#depression posting#i made the mistake of telling one of my favorite not quite managers i was two steps away from killing myself#and he was nice about it and said all the things one is supposed to say in that situation#but im thinking here now like. why would i do that? not like he actually meant it right?#people *have* to be like 'dont do the thing' because to be otherwise would be uh....jerkish. i think#people being like 'you have folks who care. it gets better' when you admit something like that is fucking meaningless because#it almost feels like youre trapping them. yknow?#they have to say im not worthless or a burden or any of that shit#but if i were to actually go ahead and...not even do it. but even just stop showing up one day#nobody would actually notice. nobody at work would notice my absence certainly#which... i dont even mind that on one hand. i dont do much to make myself noticeable#i aint got much going on lmao nor do i put myself out there#but what cheeses me off about this kind of sentiment. about my not-quite-manager and other people saying this shit to me is...#what do you value in me? you dont lnow me well enough to value me#how can you even pretend like you want me to stick around if you dont care enough to get to know me?#oh? you want me to live??? name one fact about me that cant be gleaned from my myriad band and novelty tees#you think i have worth but not enough to invite me to participate in the intricate rituals of human connection. cool#it's not meaningless to me. there's a brief almost reflexive feeling of relief but then i think about it and like#people spouting that kind of participation trophy style platitude at me says nothing about me. it's impersonal#'you shouldnt kill yourself because i like your jokes and i like your writing and all these things about you specifically because i know you#because i care about *you*'#why cant i ever have that? why am i not worth enough for people to want to get to know???#fuck.#to the void with love
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found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?
#i didnt really get to process it bc i found out when i was hanging w a friend but. im processing it now#sigh.. i dont know. i dont know.#at the end of the day he is and has always been someone else's cat. i can't control what she does with him#no matter what i think of it. she can always take him away. but every time it happens im just. im tired yknow?#it's worth it to me to have him around. i love him dearly and i want him to be in a home where he's actually cared for (which i have done my#best to provide) but he's just. not mine. and every time it happens i back up and think man. im such a sucker.#i don't think people manipulate me often. not in an ongoing way i mean. i don't think ppl see me as valuable enough to most of the time.#but damn. she really found my weak spots didn't she. free petcare courtesy of one chump who can't live without animals around. sigh#he deserves stability but he deserves love more. this weird shared custody thing is better for him i think. and frankly i also love him.#im not the priority here but my feelings are like. there. him being taken away without even telling me first hurts. i'd like to be able to#say goodbye to him. im not saying he has to stay or this has to go on but couldn't they just.. consider my feelings a bit more?#just bc you're fine with dropping your cat off somewhere for weeks not knowing when you'll see him again and not visiting doesn't mean i am#and i kind of feel like my roommate is part of this. after all it's not like his owner can just break into our room and take him#and if im always out when they do it there's a chance roomie's just shipping him off whenever she gets sick of him.#she's done it before. even after she agreed so vehemently with me about never wanting him to go back to such treatment and stuff early on.#she's been spraying him for little reason lately too. and i mean i get being a little more cautious with some things bc her neck's broken#but she's really fixated on how much he smells and bites and stuff and talks about how if i wasn't around she'd consider eating him#and then other times she's like that's my pookie. i don't get it. like yeah i tell rascal to fuck off sometimes bc he hurts me but it's not#like a hateful thing. i dont resent him for it i'm just annoyed sometimes bc he's maiming me a little. he's my baby. how could i loathe him?#so it makes me think that roomie might be blaming his transfers on his owner bc she doesn't want me to judge her#and like. this is her room too. it's not her fault she's more bothered by the smell than me. if she doesn't want to be bitten and clawed all#the time i can sympathize. i don't wanna force her to house him. but i wish she'd just be honest with me i guess#like. what if his owner decides to give him away without telling me? i'd take him in in a heartbeat. even though i know it's a bad idea.#but i'm worried he'll fall out of my reach completely. and at the very least I'd like to be able to say goodbye first. that's all.
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I DIDNT REALIZE THAT GABRIEL COMES BACK THIS EPISODE AND WHEN I TELL YOU I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO DELIGHTED TO SEE RICHARD SPEIGHT JRS BEAUTIFUL FACE... I MISSED HIM
#theo.txt#spn#gabriel#i out loud said 'GABRIEL!!! WE CHEER!!!!'#forgot how much i loved his silliness#i did spoil myself and i know that hes only back for the one episode but i dont care im overjoyed#spn spoilers#spn 9x18#<- i figure its been out for long enough that yknow big spoilers arent really a thing but just in case
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If I had the proper equipment for that I would 100% make a career out of sorting stuff on video. It's like one of my favorite activities ever but I rarely have the opportunity to do that. It's like a special treat for special occasions. I love doing it and if I could I'd milk that forever <- is currently sorting a whole jar of plastic gems for fun
#in the last year me and my cousin accidentally formed this silly lil routine where whenever i visit her she gives me some stuff to sort#it started a year ago on her birthday#she was making cupcakes and couldnt buy pink sprinkles so she bought rainbow sprinkles and asked me to separate the pink ones#and she was like you dont actually have to do that i need only a lil bit of those sprinkles you dont have to get all of them#but i was like. sure sure but actually is it okay if i sort the entire package#and i did#i sorted the entire whole package of sprinkles#she let me sort markers or beads or stickers#its amazing i love her#and she always has stuff to sort bc she likes to collect stickers and beads but doesnt really care about their placement#i love doing that so bad its insane#and ive looked for sorting videos on youtube but they rarely scratch my specific itch#theyre like overproduced or not caring enough or focusing too much on asmr and not on the actual sorting#which you know isnt a bad thing i love asmr#but like i need specifically content where someone takes a collection of something and sorts it entirely into specific categories#i suppose its just that different categories are important for different people#i wish i had a camera and like a set for that#like id genuinely love to record that for fun#and also yknow. views and money#i dont like how we kinda have to turn every passion into a career but this is something that id be willing to turn into a job if i could#maybe someday#bee buzz
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