#(and of course for the integrity of their feelings i guess. but here's the shit.)

[darthlenaplant]

L-FUCKING-MAO,

What sort of loser actually thinks the ending of The World's End is "~forgetable~"?

Bitch, your entire existence is "~forgetable~".

Filmbros (well, certainly 99.95% of them) really are the weakest species out there.

Like, sure, it's not my most beloved of movies, but I actually understood the message of it. And it did hit hard, you know? How about you learn how to deal with your feelings in any other way besides suppressing them and acting as if nothing is there and maybe then you'll calm down.

And be truly appreciative of human art, for that matter, too.

[o-sachi]

Fell First & Fell Harder Pt. 2 - Blue Lock Chars.

you fell first, but they definitely fell harder

characters; oliver aiku, bachira meguru, gagamaru gin, shidou ryusei

tags; fluff, gn reader, no y/n

Oliver Aiku

"It's just you. I promise. No one else is in the picture."

He was faithful... to an extent. The most that he did, after all, was be too friendly with others—which could be mistaken for flirting. But all you could do was sit there and hope that he'd stop it soon.

Although, at some point you reach your breaking point. You bring it up again and it blows up into a huge fight. The conclusion was to have an indefinite break from each other.

In that time you were away from each other, he realizes how big of a fumble that was on his part. Now was the time he'd start missing you SO MUCH. It was so bad that he couldn't think of anyone else but you and he didn't even have the energy to entertain people that weren't you.

One day you two get to talking again and it leads to a mini reconciliation. He promises with his life that he'd take you more seriously and that you'd be the one and only person his attention would be on.

Bachira Meguru

"You're the cure to my boring life."

You quickly realize that he's not the type to be super serious about someone early on. He's not too experienced with dating, so he's complacent in the simple fact that you like him and he likes you.

Nevertheless, you love to indulge him with his whims. You were determined to be his ride-or-die and it showed. You supported him through every step he took, offering gentle pieces of advice every once in a while to keep him grounded.

There were rare occurrences when he'd be self-aware. He'd realize that sometimes he was going too fast without taking into consideration the feelings of other people. Then, he'd be hyper aware of what you felt towards him and your relationship.

Your impact in his life becomes more apparent in these moments. Bachira eventually begins to consider you more in his life—integrating you in everything that he does. In due course, football wasn't just an outlet for him, but also a way to make you proud of him.

Gagamaru Gin

"Love? Huh... I guess that's the word to describe it."

The falling harder part certainly took a while to happen. Similar to Bachira, Gagamaru doesn't have much experience in the world of dating. The idea never intrigued him, so he figured there was no point in entertaining it. But your persistent ass came along.

This would certainly be a first love type of scenario. The newfound feelings and experiences you had to offer him overwhelmed Gagamaru in a good way.

He had nothing else to compare this to; he believes your love is the one of the greatest things in his life (close competition with grilled meat).

Cannot get enough of you now. It's like a drug to him—addicting and it consumes it. Before you know it, he's absolutely worshipping the shit of you—doing everything in his power to make you the happiest human alive.

Shidou Ryusei

"You make it throb... my heart, I mean."

His previous relationships were also short-lived primarily because he was too intense (freaky) for his partners to handle. It was set in stone: starting now, he would never settle for anyone who cannot match his enthusiasm (freak).

Out of all of them, he's probably the one that falls harder the fastest. But it's no easy feat to achieve. You really need to capture his attention—make him fascinated by your very existence. Do those simple things and he's yours in a flash.

But here's the surprise—with him, there's another layer to it. Sure, he could be deeply interested in you. But can he be serious with you? Can he honestly say that he's committed to you? Those are important questions that pop up once you've been together for a while.

You only know that he's 100% serious about you when he can finally sit down and talk to you, heart-to-heart. His vulnerability is something that he would only show to the most special of special people in his life. That happens to be you.

o-sachi © 2024 pls do not translate/copy/reupload my work on other platforms

[cuckoo-on-a-string]

Sometime Dreamers (crossover fic)

Summary: Doctor Who/Sandman crossover, 2nd person femme/female reader (though it's very vague through most of the story)

A/N: Launching this monstrosity as part of the Winter Solstice Writing Event even though I spent the morning puking and wrestling with a piece of toast. The Sandman elements will integrate in upcoming installments, I swear. *Eyebrow waggles* Interactions help me shout down my depression and get bits out faster! Love you all, and thank you for your support!

1.

The extraordinary finds you on an ordinary walk.

The sky’s all grey clouds and rainy breezes, even when the forecasters insist it’s blue. Half of the year’s leaves crunch underfoot. Half still give you a reason to look up and marvel.

Really, everything’s fine, even if you’re tired, too tired, worryingly tired, and you’re too wrapped up with thoughts of the House to pay attention to your feet, and you should get back to your latest assignment, or maybe –

“Ooof.”

Brown fabric in your face, your sneakers tangling with his – a full-on collision in front of god and everyone. The man’s so skinny you could’ve dodged fifty ways around him. Instead, you’re wrapped around each other in a bid against gravity.

You look up into brown eyes full of questions. Pretty. And sad. And distracting. You’re still touching, and it’s time you did something about that.

“I am so sorry.” You sort out your feet first, reclaiming your balance before abashedly releasing the fistful of trench coat you’d snared. Then you catch yourself trying to smooth away the wrinkles. Shit. Well. Too late to keep your hands to yourself, but you fold them behind your back anyway, smiling to convince the stranger you’re entirely harmless and definitely weren’t coming on to him, and damn you’re spiraling again. Time for more caffeine. Past time. The walk’s left you tired. You’d hoped it would finally energize you past the malaise hanging over the House. No such luck.

“Oh, no. My fault entirely.” He smiles with his teeth, and it’s definitely a lie, but at least he’s being nice about it. “I never watch where I’m going. But if you wouldn’t happen to – Are you feeling alright?” His whole face wrinkles around the thought, sharpening to pierce your thoughts. He looks in one of your eyes, then swings to the next, mumbling as he reaches in his coat.

“I’m fine. No harm done. You?”

He pulls out a whining device and shines its blue light in your face. “No, that’s not what I mean at all. You look awful.”

After months of obsessive dreams and a lethargy you can’t shake, yeah, of course you look awful. You have a mirror. You had a first-row seat to watch the shadows grow under your eyes. It isn’t even something your roommates dare bring up, because they have their own bruises and drooping smiles. Trust the pretty stranger to be an asshole, though.

Using the side of your hand to guide the buzzing light away, you clear your throat and ask, “I wouldn’t happen to what?”

“What?” He returns the light to his pocket, fishes out a pair of glasses, and squints at you again.

“You were going to ask me something.”

“Oh, right. Yes. Well. I guess you would happen to. You sort of already have, or do, not sure yet. Nice to meet you, by the way.” He thrusts out his hand and grins again, trying to wipe the slate clean and yank the wool over your eyes, like this was a perfectly normal introduction. “I’m the Doctor.”

You accept the handshake but only offer your first name. He repeats it, beaming and glancing around like your name might appear in print on the side of a building.

“Live around here, then?”

Ah, nah. Too far, too fast. He’s not pretty enough to die for. Even though you don’t live alone, common sense screams against telling a strange man where you live.

“I’m just out for a walk.”

Nodding, slipping his hands into his pockets, he accepts the refusal. “Nice place for a walk.”

Thank all fuck. He has tact if not manners. “Very. And it was nice bumping into you, but I’d better continue on mine.” You pass, spin on our heel, and take a few steps backwards. Maybe he was going to ask you for directions, and you don’t want to leave on a sour note, because the poor man might just be awkward. “There’s a lake if you keep going that way. And if you cut through the empty lot there’s a little woods. Or just follow the road and you’ll find some pubs and shops and things. If you’re lost or thirsty, I mean.”

“Oh,” he smiles, “I love a little woods.”

Strange, definitely strange, but fun. So long as he doesn’t follow you home and murder your in your sleep, you’ll work a story around those deep, sad eyes. You’ll dream up fabulous, new worlds for those well-worn Converse to wander. “Good to meet you. Sorry I was a bit of a road hazard.”

“Mutual. The hazard was mutual. Enjoy your walk.”

You face away and continue in the opposite direction. When you reach a good corner you peek over your shoulder, but he’s gone. It’s a relief, if a little sad. The end of an odd little tale, and the end of the story is always the worst part, even when it’s happy.

It’s another two miles back to the House. Your feet carried you far away, but your mind is still in your room, turning over fragments of inescapable scenes.

Mind and body meet on the doorstep. You come back to yourself, vaguely aware of how shaky your legs feel as you put your key in the lock and push through into the entry way.

Art crawls over the walls, growing across the ceiling. Decades of creatives moving through have left their mark in every imaginable way, and the lot you live with are busy adding their own. Jeremy’s painted a starling over the hallway mirror, and Blithe Sharpied her band’s logo at the foot of the stairs months ago.

Despite the chaos of the House’s interior design, it’s dead quiet. Where is everyone? In bed, probably. Asleep or wishing they were. They’re all under the weather, too, and if they have the energy to get up and be productive, they can only work quietly.

Blithe’s guitar hasn’t serenaded anyone in the wee hours of the morning for weeks, and you’re sure she’s missing rehearsals. Trevor hasn’t been to an audition in just as long. And Jeremy, well, he was always a bit quiet. He liked to keep his headphones on while he painted, and the biggest racket he ever made was when he knocked over the tray with his palette and brushes.

But none of them had ever been so lifeless. Jeremy made the old house’s creaking boards sing in the odd hours as he went from the attic to the kitchen for tea or biscuits. Trevor should be laughing on the phone with someone. Blithe should be composing new music to transcribe on the walls. No one seems like themselves, and all the doctors could do was mumble about stress and lifestyle choices.

But at least you’re home.

You’re tired.

You’ll just have a little nap before you put the coffee on.

You make it as far as the couch.

Then the fatigue swallows you, and thought unstitches from reality as you fall into the ratty floral print. Loose threads of memory follow you down, the rhythm of your walk echoing in your feet, and you find green grass sprouting from your imagination. The dream smells like summer, and droning rattles in your ears.

It’s another story. The same one you keep slipping into when you sleep. Growth, and death, and the thing that sits between lurking underground.

A hill.

A door where there is no door.

Old magic pulling bits of you inside, tattering the edges of your fingers as they steady you against an oak. Skin, fingernails, and tendon shred away like burnt paper, pulled towards the point of entry that doesn’t exist.

Under your palm, the wood groans and flexes, breathing, or pulsing, alive in ways you’ve always suspected trees are but can’t articulate. It’s all impressions here, and it’s pulling you in. The tree has more life than you do. You’re feeding the green, green grass and the hill beneath without growing into it, and that must mean you’re –

Awake.

Consciousness physically jerks you out of the dream, and a muscle seizes in your neck.

“Fuck.”

What’s happening? Did you jump scare yourself? As you try to rub the angry spot over your shoulder, the sound that roused you comes again.

A knock at the door.

Rolling your head to pop the bastard muscle back into compliance, you get your feet on the floor.

But the dream. You need to write it all down.

There must be a scrap of paper around here somewhere. A stubby pencil on the end table and an out-of-date band flyer come to hand. They’ll do. But as you scratch down words to shape the sensory madness of your wandering dream, the knock comes again, and you swear, stumbling to your feet.

“Damn it.”

You abandon your work and make your way to the door, pulling it open without checking who’s waiting on the other side. It creaks open as you glance down to make sure your feet are clear, and you look up to find the storied brown eyes from your walk.

“Hello again!”

He shoots the same, big grin, like this is not at all strange and really you should all remain calm while he stops in for a cup of tea.

[writing-for-life]

Hi love, how are you?

Would you like to talk a little about what Morpheus finds attractive, sexy in a woman?

opinions, theories, anything aaaaaa

Hi friend, always so lovely to see you in my inbox! And everyone else: Send me asks, too, I love them!

Oh, an ask about Dream’s sexual/romantic proclivities and his “type”—the excitement!

You could of course read my fic, then you’ll know what he wants/needs 😜

In all honesty though: I’m not in his head, so who can tell? I guess we can only go by certain hints we get in the comics and draw our own conclusions. So here come a few thoughts:

I think he has a thing for dreamers? Sounds obvious I guess, but many of the women we know he got involved with were women with strong connections to the Dreaming (Killalla, Nada, Calliope, even Thessaly), for a multitude of reasons. And having that connection is, by extension, a connection to him. If we’re getting conceptual about it: They are actually, in a way, pursuing him first (and in the case of Nada and even Killalla and Thessaly, we are basically told so in a way). Which then leads to his courting them, because they are interested in him. And I think that’s something very integral to his being: He is extremely, devastatingly lonely. He craves not being lonely. So the very fact that someone would even contemplate being interested in him, giving him their time of day (or night), would probably already mean a lot to him.

I think we can also see a pattern for women who are fairly strong-willed and speak their mind. Whether he always likes that is a different question, but Titania, Alianora, Nada, Calliope, Thessaly are all prone to talk back and not take shit.

I’ll leave the whole Desire-involvement out of the equation because that skews things. He tries to avoid D/desire because of the sibling-conflict yet definitely feels it. So I neither subscribe to the theory that he’s asexual nor aromantic (some corners of the fandom think he is, fair enough). Especially not aromantic. That’s a contradiction in terms. He’s Dream. Dreaming is idealised and unreal. In love, that’s the very definition of romance—having pink goggles on and aspiring to something that’s not grounded in reality (one of the reasons his relationships ultimately all fail).

So I think he’s prone to romantic gestures (we know that from especially Calliope) and would probably also appreciate them from his lover? That also means: If you want to keep it going, there’d probably always need to be something that keeps him interested. Questioning even (but not in the way like with Thessaly, because she completely removed herself). By definition of his being the unreal, reality setting in is the very thing that makes it all come crashing down. Push/pull, back and forth is probably something he secretly likes? It wouldn’t surprise me if he enjoys a certain amount of drama—again, not the type that makes it all come crashing down, but just enough to keep him on his toes and wondering. Just enough to keep the illusion of impermanence and striving for the impossible going, but not so much that it really turns into an issue. And that’s exactly the problem, because that sounds like a fairly tricky line to walk if you ask me. And exhausting 🤣

Now to the more speculative side:

I think he desperately needs someone who removes the proverbial stick from his arse. He needs to learn to laugh again (if he ever did so in the first place). With others and at himself. I spent a lot of time in my fic to build on that. Ultimately, I think he needs to feel safe enough to let his guard down completely with someone, and I honestly don’t think he ever experienced that with any of his lovers. And for that, he needs to be able to trust. Could be via shared experience of sorts, but I think most of all, he needs someone who truly listens and doesn’t try to change him. Because he is D/dream. Being perpetually strange and prone to be misunderstood is the essence of his being, and he needs someone who is comfortable enough with that fact. So weirdly enough, I think he would change if people stopped trying to make him change, if that makes any sense? He needs acceptance, not blunt or subtle force. I guess you can give dreams the space to change and grow, or you can try to control them—and the latter just doesn’t work. We also see that with him—his rigid sense of control is ultimately his downfall, not what truly helps him. And I think that extends to everything he is, including his relationships.

As for what he likes in terms of bedroom shenanigans (and the purely speculative, but obviously what Tumblr seems to be most interested in 🤣): In my mind, he’s the ultimate switch, if you will. He’ll get a kick out of everything that turns you on, because he is D/dream, and I think it is his very essence to also be that for sex dreams (we don’t need to talk about Calliope’s inappropriate speech at the Wake in this context 🙈).

BUT, and I think that’s an important one: Maybe, just maybe, he needs something that is just for him? Giving in to his own desires (there’s that messed up sibling relationship again). Giving himself permission to do that by being given permission. Be very afraid of my sequel… 🤣 No, that sounds all wrong because my sequel is really not about that alone and will be reliably sad and heavy in parts, like the first one, but I wouldn’t be a romance writer if I didn’t explore relationship dynamics through sex. Because sex is never just about sex 😉

@morpheusbaby3 ask answered

[we-are-inevitable]

may i know everything ever abt Jack and Crutchie's friendship in the frat au?? im so interested in it all it's hard to decide what to ask really so infodump away

oh my god yes.

okay so the thing about this jack and C: they don’t know each other at all beforehand. which is wild from my other fics, bc in every single universe ever, jack and charlie are destined to be brothers, right?? but in this one they aren’t!!! not yet!!!

so they meet in chapter 1 when jack goes to the coffee shop that crutchie was recently hired at, and ive always imagined that crutchie can make friends with a fucking wall, so of course he gets on with jack- and it helps that crutchie recognizes jack as oscar’s roommate. n e ways i think for a bit, their “friendship” is just that- little conversations while jack gets his coffee and charlie sits at the counter, until jack and davey get closer and he realizes— oh. charlie is one of davey’s best friends. and as jack is integrated into the group, i feel like him and charlie get SO much closer- and here’s how im imagining the different friendship dynamics:

jack and charlie: twin brothers. they give each other hell, they joke around and prank each other and argue like crazy, but they get on like a house on fire and there’s no denying it. it’s like theyve always known each other, have never been away from each other, have never not had each other.

jack and kath: best friends. they tell each other everything and have some mutual understanding of each other- they both have ties to greek life, after all- and they really focus their energy on supporting each other through the difficult situations.

jack and racetrack: older brother, younger brother. jack takes race under his wing and feels protective of him, but doesn’t realize that race does the exact same thing. as they get closer and closer they both learn more and more from each other and sure, maybe there’s tension and arguments and strife, but at the end of the day they love each other.

jack and albert/jack and spot: mirror images. they all three work hard to be the best they can and be the pillars keeping everyone else from falling down, so they help each other take a load off. they aren’t as close as they could be, but you don’t have to be close to understand each other. jack and spot have similar backgrounds, so she helps him put things into words and he helps her realize she doesn’t have to be the one calling all the shots all the time. jack and albert are scrappy in the same ways, fighting tooth and nail to have some sort of reputation, and they help each other calm down.

jack and davey: the different sides of the same coin, the opposites in every room, the red and blue, the fire and water, all the dumb cliche shit. they’re much more similar than anyone would ever guess and it gets them into trouble, but it also brings them closer, and they may have their differences but i’ll be damned if they don’t make it work.

i know this was just supposed to be about jack and crutchie but FUCKKKK i love jack having FRIENDS and jack having PEOPLE and crutchie. crutchie is his main man. u don’t understand they are SOULMATES!!!!!!!!!

[platonically-loving-alastor]

Hazbin Unus Annus AU Part 2

Ignore how late this is, it took me a while for reasons you'll soon understand

As I said, the titles and overall concepts of every video will remain the same. The first real Unus Annus video was called Cooking With Sex Toys. So. Here me out. This is actually great as a first video, as it will serve as an example of the difference in direction Alastor and Lucifer would take the idea as opposed to the original Mark and Ethan. This is going to be a longer post, as are most future ones for this series, as they will include detailing of what went more or less the same and what went differently from the original version, as well as having quotes integrated throughout to make it feel like a transcript.

Warning for a generally long post and nsfw talk under the cut I guess, incorrect use of sex toys lmao

Angel Dust was the one to think of this idea, of course. He knew it would be funny to watch the Radio Demon do his favorite thing with objects related to his least favorite thing, and he knew other sinners would agree with him.

Alastor: No.

Angel: What?

Alastor: Absolutely not.

Angel: What's wrong with the idea?

Alastor: It's disgusting and a terrible representation of what goes on here.

Angel: It's not about what goes on here, it's about getting you two in the same room together without ripping each other's heads off.

Alastor: Since when does that require the things you're talking about?

Angel: It doesn't. But think of it this way; You despise the idea, right?

Alastor: Correct.

Angel: Then if you start the year off doing it, the rest of the year will be a breeze in comparison.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Most important detail to get out there: Alastor refuses to acknowledge the strangeness of what's going on. He knows what they're doing, he knows what they're using and why it would be considered 'funny', but he'd rather not. So he acts as if it's completely normal.

Lucifer: So, what do we have here?

Alastor: You're the one who bought it all.

Lucifer, ignoring him: Okay, we got a paddle.

Alastor: A spatula.

Lucifer: Yeah, sure. We also have a different kind of.. 'Spatula'.

Alastor: That one would be used for meat tenderizing.

Lucifer: Right..

Alastor: None of this is sexual. We are cooking a delicious breakfast-

Lucifer: Using sex toys.

Alastor: They are only sex toys if we use them as such.

Lucifer: Sure, buddy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While most things in this video go differently, I think the uses of the toys remain, including the ears and tail. Specifically, Lucifer buys a pair of deer ears and tail, to mock and annoy Alastor.

Charlie: Aw, now you two are matching :)

Lucifer, having bought them for this exact purpose: Hey, we are, aren't we? What a special bonding moment between friends.

Alastor: *eye twitches* We are not friends. Take them off.

Lucifer: What's wrong, Al? I'm a small, adorable, defenseless deer, just like you!

Alastor: I am far from defenseless, your highness.

Lucifer: Well then, if you're so strong, why don't you just make me take them off?

*insert intense stare-down, both knowing damn well Alastor couldn't do shit about it if he wanted to*

Alastor, begrudgingly: Very well.. Just don't let it become a distraction.

Lucifer: Aw see, I knew you'd come around, Bambi!

Alastor: Call me that one more time and I will slit your throat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alastor, rinsing down one of the toys: You should always rinse out your new cookware *proceeds to meticulously clean and disinfect each object. Twice*

He's having a hard time with getting over this part.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Angel took Charlie's place behind the camera once the cleaning was done, after she fully realized the awkwardness of the situation. She made him promise to not let them get too out of control.

Alastor: *unsuccessfully using the whip as a whisk*

Angel: I think you gotta squeegee it out with you hands.

Alastor: *sighs* this is not proper cooking etiquette

Lucifer: You know, it's not supposed to look like dough. You wanna add a couple more uh.. *smirks and motions toward the fleshlights they used for water* Are we calling them cups?

Alastor: *deep inhale* Yes we are, and yes I will.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alastor: *going on a tangent about how to not burn a pancake, slowly devolving into struggling to flip said pancake with the paddle and becoming increasingly frustrated* As I am attempting to demonstrate, you just have to... Just... Ahah.. This would be a lot easier if I was using a standard spatula. BUT we'll just have to make do with this crude, impractical, nuisance of a- *flips pancake* and there we have it, ladies and gentlemen, a perfectly cooked pancake!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lucifer: *getting ready to beat the eggs* Are there any spices you want on your eggs? Any salt, pepper, or..

Alastor, stopping everything he's doing: Are.. Are those all the spices you know..?

Lucifer being unbearably white (despite not even being human) and the remains of Alastor's heart consequently dying.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Because they're using the same materials, that means they're also using the drilldo (Lucifer was responsible for that one).

Lucifer: Huh, I never would've tried beating eggs this way, but it does a pretty damn good job! It's the correct motion and everything.

Alastor: ...

Lucifer: Right, Alastor? Don't you think the drilldo's doing a good job?

Alastor: Please refrain from reminding me about the atrocity you created earlier. And don't call it that.

Lucifer: ... But do you think it's working? *holds the bowl up to him*

Alastor: Yes yes, it's working fine! Just get it out of my face!

'Gee, there's a lot of stuff Alastor doesn't want Lucifer to say'. Yes. In fact, in his ideal world, Lucifer would be completely silent 24/7.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lucifer: *about a vibrator they're using to cut the eggs* This thing is stronger than I thought. I kinda feels nice. Al, you want a massage?

Alastor: Stay away from me with that thing.

Lucifer: Come on, you're the one saying none of this is sexual-

Alastor: Because it's not.

Lucifer: Then why are you so uncomfortable with this? I was just gonna massage your back with it.

Alastor: Sexuality has nothing to do with it, I just generally don't want you touching me.

Lucifer: Hm, well you're good at being a hypocrite, try it on me instead!

Alastor: Only if it will quiet you down. *takes the vibrator from him, reluctantly brushing his shoulder with it*

Lucifer: Ah~

Alastor: *immediately turns it off, puts it down, and steps away* Well I won't be handling that anymore today.

*Lucifer and Angel Dust laughing*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alastor will eat none of the food they make, insisting it has nothing to do with the materials used and that he just isn't hungry. The trip he made to Cannibal Town shortly after they finished filming is entirely unrelated.

Lucifer: Alright Alastor, breakfast is served! *sets down plates of eggs, bacon, and pancakes*

Alastor: I wasn't planning on eating that.

Lucifer: Oh but surely a chef must taste test his own dish.

Alastor: Well then you can go on ahead and do that. I'll be sitting this one out.

Lucifer: You act like we got these things from a second hand shop.

Alastor: Eugh.. I'm well aware of where we got them. I just don't feel particularly hungry right now.

Angel: Ain't you always hungry?

Alastor: Yes, but that can't be so easily satiated with eggs and bacon. Although if you're offering something else...

Angel, regretting decisions: Nope! Sorry sorry, jeez.. Ignore me, I'm just the cameraman

[enniewritesathing]

1, 2, 7, 9, 15, 20, 21, 26, 28

Hey girl heyyy 👋

what’s the last screenshot you’ve taken for your story?

(ominous...)

2. describe your story in three words or less

Werewolf Therapy Session // Holy Shit, Dude // John Curses ALOT // Get His Ass! // These Memories Suck // He's Not Okay

(I can go on, lol)

7. whats the biggest risk you’ve taken with your story? did it pay off?

The biggest risk (so far) is telling this story in general and how I'm not holding back with the subject matter(s). I know simblr tends to shy away from like bloody/gory shit and all of that, even as it's integral to the story itself, and... y'know, it's Sicko Hours at Ennie's place (I've got juice!); there's so many TWs. It's like that one post -- tws for a heads up, tws for 'oh word? 👀' very ymmv.

I'm not sure if it's paying off, though. Slightly over it at this point.

9. what about your story are you looking to improve on?

So, a while back, tumblr switched to the new text editor, which means that I got knee capped into 30 pics each post. And for those who've been here a minute, my posts were always long with multiple scenes. Like 5. I'm having to condense things and really having to think what shots to use (even if I take the same amount... the most I've took for a scene was like 250 something.)

tl;dr - pacing. I know it's a little wonky; I'm trying my best here! 😫

15. what have been the highlights of creating your story?

Getting to use all of this CC I've gotten over the years!! All of it is so super niche-y and without it, I wouldn't have been able to tell this story (accurately). It's also great how everything's coming together, y'know? I've had skill growth since the last time I did this, and my skills and editing are really shining through.

20. choose your favourite shot from your story so far

ngl, there's so many, but this one?? let me count the ways:

The sheer fury of The Werewolf has in this scene, but I like how this shot came out. The toxins in his veins that are (unbeknownst to him) actively killing him at this point. He's in unimaginable pain, but his anger is even more. He's had it.

The veins themselves and how you can see them as he's fighting it. (I've had to double them up and also use some others for his face as well.)

the fucking monitor in the background (lord do not get me started on that but it's for Enhancement and leave it at that.)

The Werewolf making his proclaimation: "I will fucking kill every one of you; you will not get away with this and you will suffer my pain."

if anyone else is intrigued by this -- I guess this part will be my hook.

And I felt that. Really. I struggled with that whole scene basically until I posted it, but I feel like I got the emotion part of it down. if I'm gonna be honest, I didn't know what to do for that scene until I had a Rogue Thought™️, and I made damn sure I was gonna be able to pull it off. I say I did.

there's so much more I can gush about this part but we will be here all night lol

21. choose your least favourite shot so far

It's a good shot but it's my 'least' favorite is because of what happens. (aka pics taken before disasters.) And really, this shot alone tells you what kind of person Charles is. This mfer's vibe? Hideous. Rancid. Abhorrent. Etc.

26. have other sim stories inspired you? 

of course!

28. if you could reproduce your story in another medium (movie, novel, comic, etc.) what would you choose and why?

Comic, hands down. I say this because if it were a movie, it wouldn't make sense and also, who tf would play John/The Werewolf? No one is even close!!

[malaierba]

I'm just talking about iromatsu, just spitballing

It's no news to anyone that the rift between Karamatsu and Ichimatsu like... haunts me. It doesn't feel like what happened with Todomatsu, where he simply broadened his interests and matured and thus drifted away somewhat organically. Ichimatsu's world arguably got smaller after highschool, so whatever caused the change in dynamic must've been contained or like limited by the people involved in it.

I was thinking about the roof fight scene, where Karamatsu triggers the fight by bringing attention to the letter and potentially to how awkward things are amongst the sextuplets. When Choromatsu grabs Kara, Kara grabs him back and Jyushimatsu (followed by Ichimatsu) approach the duo. But when Karamatsu pushes back and accidentally causes someone to knock Totty to the floor, Jyushi and Ichi's hands are suddenly on him.

Okay. Here's where the overanalyzing of 10 seconds comes lol.

Karamatsu was... Passive in highschool. In his memories, we know he's aware and worried about his brothers, but it takes an external trigger to push him to act. According to Choromatsu, he was too timid and emotional, although I think we have ample evidence to assume that Choro didn't exactly think highly of Karamatsu in highschool.

(makes sense if you ask me. Karamatsu probably had mediocre grades (struggles with kanji even in adulthood, in Totty's game show both him and Oso fail to pick the most logical answer to the math question), most likely wasn't nagging his siblings to take school seriously, with his timid personality he wasn't being any better as an eldest than Osomatsu (at least from a performative pov), probably was mainly interested in arts which makes me think that not only was he not thinking of pursuing the traditional school/work path after highschool, he might've even been thinking of *gasp* becoming a musician/actor)

Ichimatsu funnily enough, for all that he was socially integrated, in his inability to be true to himself shows something oddly similar to Karamatsu, in that he's afraid to "rock the boat". He plays along with what he sees his friends do and in doing so falls in line. Of all the sextuplets, he's the one that at first glance looked like the most normal teenager.

So I was wondering, what if the rift started after the fight. Ichimatsu sees Karamatsu being attention to the problem that everyone's been ignoring and it hits home. He probably struggles to reconcile the image of the Karamatsu that ate lunch with him and was riddled with anxiety but wasn't proactive in managing it, with the one that suddenly tries to do something about it, and in doing so triggers a fight and makes everything worse (at a first glance).

Idk 🤔 Ichimatsu's canon opinion on Karamatsu is that he gets on his nerves but it's not like he hates him, and we know from the incident skit and the PS Vita games that he admires his kindness and the ways in which he takes care of his brothers. All of those things make him someone with the potential to disturb the status quo, which Ichi generally avoids because when he doesn't he goes off the handle and starts flipping stuff and shitting on tables.

I've always liked to think of iro's shift in their relationship as a result of a big, unknown event, but maybe the fight was the event? Ichimatsu saw a Karamatsu that he hadn't seen before, at the same time that Karamatsu discovered one of his core values (to maintain the harmony within his brothers, and to have the character to act when things went beyond their baseline chaos towards actually bad-bad), which of course would require him to develop a stronger personality.

Maybe to Ichi that looked fake, since in his case it was. Maybe it was stupid, unnecessary, and it didn't stop. Suddenly Karamatsu was being less of a wallflower, leaving Ichimatsu to wonder where the anxious nervous brother he knew went.

I guess what I want to highlight here is the difference between doing something because of external motivation vs. Internal motivation. In therapy you talk a lot about core values. Humans can change, but change is easier and everlasting if they are in accordance with something you truly believe in.

Ichi's popular guy persona was just him not wanting to stand out in a bad way, and mimicking his friends while disregarding how that made him feel. Kara, I think he really wanted to be stronger and more outspoken. His anxiety was not only holding him back but keeping him from helping those around him before things escalated too much. His motivation to overcome it was different.

(as for his sparkly fashion, poetic schtick, that's not the focus here but honestly I think Ichi just finds it embarrassing because it's so attention catching. For Karamatsu though, I'm part of the "it's a visual metaphor for him coming out of his shell"-gang. And maybe the closet cough. Or as my blog says, he's cringe but he's free 🥲)

For the record I'm not saying this is 100% how things are, I just thought of something that could work as an explanation and decided to try expanding on it, to see if it still made sense. Iromatsu.... Is still a mystery to me.

[kitkatt0430]

It's still Sunday here - barely - so here's a Six Sentence Sunday.

First, the sequel to Closer and Closer Still. It's unnamed as of yet and opens with Eobard having run back home after Barry kissed him for the first time (at the end of chapter 1 of Closer and Closer Still). He is freaking out, though Eobard would never admit it.

“I can’t stay. I can’t be a hero. I can’t… I can’t be his.” Eobard’s voice shook at the last words.

It was as though this timeline had twisted into a fun house mirror reflection of the fantasies Eobard had once held, when he was still young, innocent, and naive. He’d imagined finding the Flash and being mentored by him or being his equal. In his more… lonely and amorous moments, he’d dared to dream of the Flash as his lover, older and more experienced. Willing to guide Eobard’s passion in every sense.

Eobard is telling himself, of course, that he can't afford the distraction when his goal is to go back home. But, of course, what does he really have to look forward to go back to? Barry might not have to work as hard as he thinks to give Eobard reasons to want to stay...

I've also started on a show finale Westhallen fix-it - my second fix fic after the Eobard/Savitar crackfic I posted up the other day - where the fic opens with establishing that Barry's in love with Eddie and still feels that way after all these years. So does Iris.

Barry had visited Eddie's grave probably more times than was healthy that first summer after Eddie died.  It was an empty grave, but it had Eddie's name on it and... Barry'd confessed a lot of things he'd been too afraid to say before.

How much he'd admired Eddie.  How much he missed the way Eddie said his name, called him 'Bar' in a way he could now barely stand for anyone to say. How much he'd loved Eddie.  Still loved him even now, all these years after saying the words, finally, to an empty grave.

Barry had told Iris, later.  After they'd moved in together and Iris had been hesitating to put out some of the things that had been Eddie's.  He'd been making a mess of things, before Eddie died.  Because his own feelings had been a mess.  And he'd realized far too late that he was almost as in love with Eddie as he'd already been with Iris.

The first part will probably be a bit Barry & Eddie heavy as they try to figure out a way to deal with the N!SF without Eddie dying or developing the temper issues Eobard and Nora 1.0 suffered from. I want them both there with Iris when Nora 2.0 is born. Then Iris can give Eddie a speech that refutes what she said in canon because S1 Iris loved Eddie - she said screw the future and she meant it. The future she and Barry are going to have together may be something she wants to fight for now, but she wants to fight for Eddie to be a part of that future too.

I may wind up splitting this up into a series, which each part focused on a different aspect of the Westhallen fix-it. And I've got ideas for integrating Eddie into Team Flash - I see Mark not liking Eddie and, oh shit, I'm gonna have to try to write Mark at least somewhat sympathetically aren't I? *swears quietly* I guess I'll figure that out later. Caitlin, at least, will be happy to have Eddie back and alive. After Khione ascends to hang out with the Ancients from Stargate and Caitlin gets her body back, anyway. Though, of course, she's gonna have big feelings about Eddie being back when Ronnie came back but wasn't really Ronnie and Frost died for it. So happy for Eddie, but wary about his N!SF connections too.

[viscountessevie]

Do you think JQ cares at all at how her characters (and to an extent the actors too with the promo and stuff) are treated or does she only care about the money? I mean they already did huge changes and they will probably do more going forward. As an artist myself I would find it disheartening how something I created would be taken apart so much that it barely resembles my own work. And also how does she feel about all her fans response to the season 2 disaster? There was a lot of complaining on her insta posts about what they did to Kate and Edwina (especially on her video post about the sister soulmate stuff). Okay yes she signed off all rights, if one should do that is another debate (i wouldn’t ) but do you think she regrets it? Because it doesn’t feel that way. Makes me resent her a bit tbh.

Ask Dated: 31st July 2022

I can't quite remember what may have prompted this ask but probably them feeling the same way I felt about S2.

While yes Simone and Jonny's chemistry and some acting choices/scene and tone changes saved the season, I still felt robbed of my favourite lines and scenes from the book not being adapted. And of course how they massacred my favourite book family, The Sheffields/Sharmas. We really could have seen a healthy and loving Indian family of women instead we got the same toxic shit I grew up in.

Anyway, to answer your main question anon, I have a feeling the Netflix/Shondaland check was big enough for JQ to sell her soul and writer's integrity. If she did care, she hasn't shown it one bit. Or alternatively her lack of enthusiasm for Kate, The Sharmas and Kathony now that Kate is an Indian woman, can be a sign of expressing her disappointment in the colour blind cast. I mean before the show was announced (and old time Bton fans feel free to correct me), Kathony (and TVWLM) and Polin (and RMB) were her favourite couples and books to hype up. Ever since Simone was announced as Kate, she did the bare minimum talking about her and has ignored Kate in favour of her fave and only white tv couple (so far). So take what you will from that.

There are a few articles out here where JQ kind of does mental gymnastics to justify all the big changes to S2 which I thought were cop out answers. [Note: it is almost 4am as I am writing this and I am a little tired to find for her exact quotes but if I come across them I'll link at a later time but for now Google is your bestie!]

I did find that she stipulating that *only* the Pall Mall scene could not be changed at all, really dumb in hindsight. Because the way they shot and edited that scene was super lame (there was barely any tension visually - Jimone was carrying the tension and rivalry of the scene and match) and there was SO MANY MORE important scenes and characterisations that made TVWLM so popular and beloved and nothing else mattered to her???

I will admit; while I LOVE the OG Bee Scene, I liked the new one too. I just wish they had gotten married earlier. Also of course the new accident scene is superior. But it still does not make up for how badly they fumbled the Sharmas, cutting out their backstories and then giving away an whole useless hour to the Featherflops. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE TWO WEDDINGS THAT WEREN'T EVEN KATE'S!!!

I really wanna know how much she was paid to just go along with everything because even Rick Riordan was able to express his disdain with the Percy Jackson movies!! I think at this point, its safe to say its enough money to make her turn a blind eye to all the horrid changes and not regret anything. It even is enough to make her eat her words about not being able to write characters of colour (will expand more in the next ask) but now suddenly after all these years, she can write a romance novel centred on a Black heroine. I guess characters of colour are only worth writing if she can profit off them. It makes me resent her too anon. 

[amplifyme]

I'm on the "keep the miracle pregnancy" side-- but C'MON CC. You had all of S7 to lead up to his finale, admitted the whole crew/actors knew it was leading up to Requiem's twist, had Amor Fati spaceship (and possibly En Ami chip), so much time and build up you could have done aaaaaand no. You literally threw up your hands, gave us a post-humous IVF timeline that can't fit in S7, gave no explanation for Scully's pregnancy and had everyone dancing around it. 1/2

The best moments of S8 were Doggett and Skinner friend bits and MSR (of course)-- and the MSR was only as good as it got because DD had his micro-expressions and most of Empedocles was add-libbed (even in the scripts it said something along the lines of "they'll know what to do here" or "they do something in this scene.") I HATE Essence/Existence. If I feel all soft and snuggly, I'll cue up Essence's monologue, some of Mulder/Doggett, the babyshower, and SKIP to the last 5 min of Existence. 2/2

The polite person in me wants to say "sorry for the rant" but the petty side of me says "direct all annoyance at CC, he started this." And that's another thing! CC has every right to torpedo his own series; and I'm pretty hands off and will just say "that's not canon", dust my hands off, and move on. But to then turn and point the finger at fans, who were invested (and continue to be in part) in his work and blame them? Wild. ANyWaY, thanks for letting me rant~.  ;DDD 3/2

Hey, I’m always up for a good rant myself! 🤣

I’ll support your support for a miracle pregnancy, even though just the thought of it makes me break out out in hives. I’m a believer in live and let live, and the idea that there is no right or wrong way to be a fan. Having said all that...

To put it bluntly, Chris Carter shit the bed when it came to pretty much anything post-Je Souhaite. There are certain moments in what came after that I enjoy, but I can only do that if I’m able to view them as AU, something completely separate from the series I came to know and love. And it’s not just that I object to the mangled storylines and characterizations, or the blatant retconning he had to do to untangle the mess he himself created. It’s that’s so much (IMHO) of what I loved about the series and these remarkable characters wasn’t there anymore. Everything was dumbed down and simplified and painfully pedestrian. I didn’t recognize anyone anymore. Frankly, I didn’t care to.

You’re correct that CC had every right to torpedo his own series. But here’s the thing: you’ll never convince me that he will ever consider the notion that he’s the one responsible for its steep decline. I think he still believes that everything he touches is golden and he makes no mistakes. Now most of us, if we’re self-aware enough, learn from our mistakes and alter our behavior going forward to integrate those lessons learned and at least try to do better the next time. Instead of doing that, CC gave us IWTB and the My Struggle episodes in the revival. Not just one or two, but four of them, each more badly written and nonsensical than the last. And he still thinks they’re masterpieces of film making and writing. But I guess if you’ve been fed a steady diet of ego-stroking and consume only positive press over a few decades, it becomes difficult to pull your head out of your ass and take a good look around.

As an aside, I took on the challenge, this new year, to finally watch S9, none of which I’ve seen - with the exception of The Truth. I made it as far as Mulder taking a shower in his black boxers and Scully’s, “He’s gone. He’s just gone,” explanation before I bowed out. I can’t do it. I just can’t. More power to everyone out there who enjoys what came after S7. I wish I could see what y’all do, but I can’t. Neither my eyes or my heart are up for the task. 

[staringdownabarrel]

Alright, so I just saw Ahsoka. Like, all of it; I've seen the entire season in more or less one sitting. (Yes, I'm aware this means I desperately need to get a life. No, I'm not going to.) Here's my impression of it.

I don't think the fight scenes were quite as good as the ones in Obi-Wan Kenobi. I think Obi-Wan did a better job at integrating the use of the force as part of a lightsaber martial arts style. I think it also did a better job at tying the fight scenes into the character development. Like, early on, Obi-Wan got worn out easily because he'd largely turned his back on his Jedi ways for so long, but as the series progressed, he did better as his muscle memory increasingly kicked in.

This is unfortunate because Ahsoka had a really good opportunity to go further with this. They had a few different Jedi at a few different levels of experience and training, and they also had a couple of other factions that hadn't been introduced in a live action Star War before. (I haven't seen Andor so don't @ me if I'm wrong on this point. Or do, I guess.) This would have allowed them to not only integrate the force as part of a lightsaber martial arts style in the same way that Obi-Wan Kenobi had, but also show the difference between the approaches between the Jedi, unaffiliated force users who'd still been part of the Jedi at some point, and those with a completely different force tradition had towards integrating the force and their lightsaber martial arts styles.

The other thing I feel like was a missed opportunity in this season was Shin Hati. When she first came on screen in the first episode, my first thought was, "Oh shit, she looks really cool. I hope she has a good character arc." Then she just...didn't. There were definitely hints of one and I think they're trying to set some stuff up for the next season for her to do, but here in this season, she just didn't get as much to do as I was hoping.

This is in direct contrast to Obi-Wan Kenobi, where Reva did get a pretty good character arc over the course of the show. I found her compelling enough that I straight up consider her to be one of the best characters Star Wars has ever had.

This is more of a neutral point, but I've heard a few people say that you need to have seen The Clone Wars to really get this show. That wasn't really my experience. There's enough context clues in the show itself that you get the sense of what the broad strokes of what everyone's relationship to everyone else was like.

I thought it was kinda cool that Shin Hati and Baylan Skoll had reddish orange lightsabers instead of the traditional red that most villains had. I know there's a lot of stuff in the extended canon about different lightsaber colours indicating this or that connection to the Force, but I haven't really interacted with that as much.

The actual cool thing I thought was that they finally left the galaxy for this show. I think this largely makes sense, given the live action sections of the franchise have largely focused on the Jedi and the Sith being in the death throes of their forever war, so they had to bring in some new threats from somewhere at some point. Plus, there's only so many times they can press the "...and now our society is at war with itself again" button before it feels like they have no other ideas.

[styxnbones]

Cass, what was it like being turned? How did it feel?

Cass: "First of all, fucked up thing to ask someone how it felt to get killed. But, I guess not everyone gets, you know, bled out by their girlfriend in a frenzied rage. Some people get to like, put their affairs in order and shit. Or at least it happens while they're high as a kite in the back of some party.

Anyways, the wind up to the whole thing felt mostly of being offended she'd turn her doubt on my professional integrity, with a side order of being pissed that this was probably going to make us late to the movie I had tickets for (because this just had to happen the one night I decided to put some effort into actually dating her). But here Astrid was, shouting her head off, the second the door opened, about how I had told every lick in the city that she diablerized her sire. Meanwhile I'm standing there in the hall, having barely entertained the idea, before this point, that "vampire" might genuinely be the explanation for all of Astrid's weird ass shit, and fully mystified at what the fuck a diablerie was. I tried to cool her off and talk her down, something I was already getting pretty used to doing, and I at least got her to let me in so I could close the door. But after that something I said (and to this day I still don't know what the fuck it was) set her off properly and she put my head through the wall to the kitchen. Everything after that just felt like confusion, panic, and pain, and while I unfortunately remember every single horrific moment in perfect clarity, I'd really rather not relive all the little the details.

Also, as an aside here, when I say Pain I fucking mean it. See, something I'd learn later is that your average vampire bite doesn't hurt at all, in fact most people enjoy it quite a lot. I just really know how to pick em and managed to pull one of the few freaks that make you feel like you're having liquid fire drained out of your veins through two tiny ragged holes in your neck. Of course, because life is a cruel fucking joke and death is the punchline, I ended up "inheriting" that trait.

So anyways, she ripped my throat out and I bled in agony on the kitchen floor for a bit before blacking out. Next I came around, I had my own fangs buried in her arm and she was shrieking. (I myself never screamed though, so I count that as a win.) When she managed to pry me off she told me how I should feel thankful she loved me enough to give me a second chance, but I couldn't even care about how much that was obvious bullshit because for the next little while all I'd be able to feel was hungry."

[docholligay]

There's worse things Midge can grow up to be than a tiktok influencer, right?

I mean she could be a venture capitalist or a landlord, so I guess.

I mean, I make my living on the internet so far be it from me to tell her she can't, but if she did I'd prefer she was a creative: Writer, artist, etc. Or an analyst like her papa. Even if you does like, youtube videos, which I do hate, and lives her entire life making meetings out of what could have been emails, but they're about something--history, art, etc--great!

But like, if she's just spreading bullshit on tiktok to become a spokesmodel for Shein or whatever, yeah, I'm not gonna be super proud of her. And maybe that makes me a shitty parent! But bitch I was hot at 21 too, we just didn't have TikTok so I could embarrass myself in front of thousands with tepid --you know as I'm sitting here thinking about this? The issue is I don't want her to have companies sponsor her. Once companies start sponsoring you, you have to lie in order to get more sponsorship. I don't like it, it feels greasy. Don't get me wrong, coupons, even free product, as long as you aren't chasing more free product, are I think, pretty normal for low level folks. But like..."Jewlet's cooking corner, sponsored by Hershey!" We're gonna have a fuckin fight.

Unfortunately I am not super morally flexible in some ways, and while that is in some ways a boon and laudable of me, and I am rarely (though of course I am human) a hypocrite, but in the bad way, I can see myself being like, "Am i supposed to applaud you getting 40 new pieces of clothing a year?"

But then again, I know the thing on the internet is we're supposed to support our kids no matter what, and I do not get with that exactly. If Jewlet does something for a living that opposes my values system...yes I'm going to think less of her for it?? I mean, I'm not gonna, probably, be like, "YOU CAN'T COME TO THANKSGIVING!!" but if she's taking cash from, oh fuck I don't even know who's all sponsoring that shit now, Tesla, yeah I'm not gonna act like my little baby is living my greatest dream.

And of course, this isn't easy or smooth. If she could somehow convince me that she had integrity while taking cash from, we'll go back to Hershey, great. But I'm not sure I think that could happen, depending on the company, and so, where do we make the line of profiting by bad behavior?

People are gonna come at me with this, because A) they want a bright line and B) they want to believe that unless we are Exxon itself, we are in no way responsible for our contributions to how society words (unless we're using terminology people don't like) but neither of those is true! It's a complicated tangle, but how we choose to engage with things also DOES matter.

[episbep]

rehab day eight

can’t stop going back and forth between being desperate to get high and wanting to regain control over myself and my life - I know I can’t just sniff a little bit and carry on with recovery but the thought of doing this recovery shit every day for the rest of my life is just so dauntingly boring. Everyone here is singing the 12 step programs praises but I don’t get it - I’m not going to beg god to cure me and attend daily AA meetings full of old red faced men who have lived through very different times to me. I can see myself attending regular Buddhist meetings (8 step recovery, refuge recovery - there are probably more I haven’t discovered yet too) and becoming more integrated within the Buddhist community with the aspiration of ordination one day and eventually maybe enlightenment but I feel so trapped being stuck in this repetitive day to day cycle of “god will cure us” and “the 12 steps saved my life” surely it’s a lifelong process that you have to work at, like any other type of treatment. I want to use occasionally. If I can’t manage that then fine I will commit to abstinence but I know from the bottom of my heart that the 12 steps (which was written in the 1930s and only caters towards white middle class men is absolutely not the way for me and I feel like I’m wasting my time being here. I guess the things that I can focus on are

• planning activities/classes that I can do regularly (yoga? painting? idk I’ll have a look about)

• making plans of which meetings I can attend where/when - they will be mostly via zoom but if I can find at least one meeting per day then I can dip in and out when I feel I need it but ensure that I do not miss face to face meetings.

• getting to know myself without drugs - at the moment I’m just grumpy so I hope this isn’t “the real me” otherwise I’ll just get back on it and get my personality back😄

• taking proper care of myself - not so much ‘self care’ more just things like brushing my teeth and washing my face every day, wearing clothes I like, looking presentable and learning to deal with my emotions in a non-destructive, non-using capacity

• seeking sober events

• work on respecting my own and other peoples boundaries - it’s ok to say no.

then if I do use at least I have everything in place to get me back to sobriety, yknow?

I also feel like I’ve gained weight (I had a subway yesterday and curry earlier in the week) so I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and am not taking any pride in myself because the only people I’m seeing are a bunch of other addicts from all over the country- idc what they think of me. I’ve got no one to impress and realistically I won’t see any of them again. We’ve planned a “1 year sober” skydive to raise money for recovery charities but is that gonna happen? no of course not. So I���m back to heavily restricting and keeping my fluid intake high - I’m drinking weight loss tea from the polish shop with lemon in right now, it’s not too disgusting tbh. I can’t see that I’ll be able to work on ‘loving myself’ when I’m a fat disgusting flubbery lazy fuck.

Anyway today was fine just more of the same, group therapy, a life story, bible (blue book) study and boxfit at the end of the day - I didn’t enjoy it but we did some stretches and yoga stuff at the end that was pretty good. One of my housemates is really grating on me so I’m hiding away in the bath for a bit. He just goes on and on about the same shit and it’s boring and he keeps coming in to my room like no fuck off uuugh 😤

[worldoffangs]

Nathaniel Montgomery: Coming Out to Kurt

Dear Kurt,

Two weeks ago, Frances turned 31. She’s officially four years too old to join your club. Not that she wants to, not anymore. There was a time, in her twenties, when she felt lost and succumbed to the habits of her parents, but I’m happy to say she has overcome them. She has grown into a beautiful young woman with integrity and ambition. You would be so proud of her. I know I am. I’ve been watching over her for you, like I promised I would, before she was born. Only met her a couple times to offer guidance, usually kept my distance otherwise. God knows she needed it with a mother like hers… I wanted to tell her so much about you, the father she never really knew, but your fame and heritage follows her everywhere, every day. Feels like yesterday, when she was born. You were so ecstatic, remember? So freaked out, too. But I was happy for you. Fatherhood would have turned your life around. She may not have memories of you, but she knows all about you and deep down she misses you a lot. We all do. Can’t believe it’s already been 29 years without you. Time flies a whole lot faster when you don’t have to worry about it. 

Nostalgia is the curse of an old man, you told me once, when you found me smoking on the roof alone. You are too young to have that expression on your face while thinking about your past, you said. Of course at the time you didn’t know I was old enough to be your great-grandfather. Today you would joke about it, if you were here. 

I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me the most. Could’ve helped with your struggles and you would still be around. Our last conversation often comes back to me in bits and pieces, and I wish I’d stuck around longer. I wish you’d stuck around longer. 

A few months earlier you told Rolling Stone you’d stay clean, for your own health and all, but you made an exception on my birthday. Truth is, I felt bad. You deserved to get your life together and the last thing I wanted was to be a bad influence and prove Courtney right. Funny how that celebratory weed actually helped with your stomach pain instead of making you nauseous afterwards. Herbs will be herbs, remember? You could even get it prescribed now. I know, I know: where’s the fun in that? To be honest, the world itself isn’t really fun anymore, but some things would still amuse you. And you were so easily amused... That’s one of the things I miss the most about you; your sense of humor and how interested you were in almost everything. Sadly I have lost interest in most things since your exit. Downside of eternal life, I guess. Becoming numb to our surroundings, joys, loss and pain. Joys are fleeting, losses are inevitable and physical pain never stays long enough to really hurt us. All we really have are the memories we made along the way.

“Wanna see something cool?” I asked you that night, after a heart-to-heart we had about birth and death and everything in between.

In retrospect, my timing wasn’t perfect but in that moment I felt our bond strong enough to come out to you. I’ll never forget the comedic way you sat up straight on the couch: “Always.”

When I reached for my spoon to heat it up with the Zippo you gave me, I was having second thoughts for a moment. I wasn’t nervous about burning myself with it; I was scared of what you might think. It would have left a much more permanent scar to lose you because of it. But I knew, if you’d freak out, I could make you forget what you saw or let you believe it was the pot making you see things. I also knew I would never be brave enough again to show you what I was.

“I’ve seen you shoot up before.” “Just watch.”

About twenty seconds later I pressed the spoon into my palm. It was heated alright, left a pretty nasty mark on my skin. 

“Holy shit what are you doi—”

I loved the way you grabbed my hand when I held it up for you to watch it heal. I’m ashamed to say I also loved when you were high. Your childlike behavior was very entertaining.

“Woah, how’d you do that?” “Magic.” “No, for real.” “For real, magic.” “Can you teach me?” “It’s not something you can learn.” “So how can you do it?”

Fast healing and regeneration has always been my favorite thing about what I was. It’s the cool part, and the least shocking detail about my species. I knew if I’d start with that, you’d be more open-minded. At least I hoped. And you didn’t disappoint.

“I’m a vampire.” “Get out of here.” “I am. Well, half.” “And what’s the other half? Leprechaun?” “Witch. You don’t believe me?” “I don’t know if I want to.” “No? Why is that?” “Knowing those things exist? It would make me question everything else. Not sure I wanna know.”

Fair point. My whole world changed when I met the heretics. Nothing made sense after that and I second guessed everything I’d known and been taught. Dragging you into all of that would’ve been selfish of me. You reached for your smokes, the regular ones, and took the lighter. Cigarette between your lips, you raised an eyebrow at me.

“So if I were to burn you with this, would you heal?” “Unless you set me on fire. Do you want to try?”

Shook your head and lit up, then lay down on the couch. Looked like a philosopher ready for his therapy session, not gonna lie. “Can you imagine living forever? Here?” you asked, surrounded by smoke like a mystical creature. “Fairfax?” The look you gave me! I grinned and reached for my drink. “This world.” “What’s wrong with this world?” “Corrupt, immoral, unjust and greedy. Who would want to watch this crap for hundreds of years?” “There would be perks” I noted, and reached for a regular cigarette as well. 

Keeping our heads clear for the conversation ahead wasn’t a bad idea. Just grown-ups discussing immortality, nothing to see here.

“Like what?” “You wouldn’t age, you’d be healthy. You could, I dunno, experience all the cool new stuff. Inventions, music. Travel the world, never run out of time to see everything at least once. We landed on the moon, who knows how far we could go?” “For a price, I’m sure. Perks like that always cost you.”

That they did. “Yeah” I sighed, getting uncomfortably cozy in the armchair. “And the downside? You don’t age, you don’t get sick, you don’t die. That’s cool. What about the people around you?”

That was always one hell of a downside. Something I didn’t want to think about. “You’re so fucking negative for someone whose face just got printed on the cover of Rolling Stone.” “Doesn’t change how I see the world, you know? Popular or not, I’m still the same. Music is my outlet, I was never in it for fame.” “Too bad. You’re immortalized now.” “Sold my soul, didn’t I?” “Yeah, you’re theirs now.” “Would you do it? Sell your soul for fame? Immortality?” “Maybe I already have.” “I’ve seen you hungover, you didn’t seem immune to consequences. If that’s not part of the deal, I don’t want it.”

My consequences were significantly less severe than they ought to have been. Self-harm, overdose, alcohol poisoning…and all I got out of them were hangovers. Not that I ever complained; some of the stuff I’d done could’ve easily off’d me. “Still alive, aren’t I?” “You won’t be for too long if you keep partying like that.” “Partying isn’t gonna cut it. Besides, I’ve lived long enough.” “Who’s fucking negative now, Nate? You sound like my grandfather.” “Wouldn’t surprise me.” “You’re what? Twenty-three?” “What year is it? I’m a hundred and twelve, actually.” “The fuck you are” your chuckle ended with a yawn, rubbing your eyes and I was sure you’d fall asleep soon if I stopped talking. 

You didn’t believe me but you were open to discuss it. Had to give it a shot, I owed that to our friendship. After all, you were my best friend at the time.

“I was born in 1880” I blurted out. That’s a start, I thought to myself, and sighed before putting out my cigarette. For now. “When I was twenty I had an argument with my dad that drove me away from home. Couple years later I met a group of people on the run and assisted the people they were running from to imprison them. Fast forward to the following year, I was killed outside a bar and reborn as a vampire.”

When I looked up and saw your expression, confused and in disbelief while processing what you heard, I tried for a small smile. I left out a massive amount of details but you didn’t have to know that. Silence, and more silence. And it would’ve been an awkward one without ‘Lucinda’ playing quietly in the background.

“For real?” “For real.”

Out of all the things I expected you to say or do, the one word you did say was at the bottom of the list: “Cool.”

“Cool? What do you mean cool?”

Sat up, stubbed your cigi and grabbed your soda for a sip.

“Not the part where someone killed you, that sucks. But if what you’re saying is true… How long have we known each other? Three years? Four? You’re not a bad guy, Nate, whatever you are, and you’re still one of my closest friends.” “It doesn’t freak you out? Not even a little?” “Why, you wanna harm me?” “No?” “Then it’s cool.” “I guess?”

Well that was anticlimactic. Had I shown you my fangs or magic, it wouldn’t have gone so smoothly.

“So… you have to drink blood, then?” “Sometimes. Keeps me alive, but I can go a couple days without it.” “Gross” you said, without sounding grossed out. Fair; knowing the places you used to frequent, that didn’t surprise me. “But you don’t kill people for that, do you?”

There should’ve been fear in your eyes but the high took care of that. You were calm and interested. Genuinely. It freaked ME out.

“Of course not” I replied, but there was anymore completing that sentence in my head. Years I’ll always regret. A different expression appeared on your face, the one you had whenever something clicked.

“Nancy? The nurse?” “Yeah.” “Sweet. I like her. She’s cool. You should bring her over sometime.”

A huge part of me was relieved but—

“Can’t fucking believe you’re a hundred and twelve. You don’t sound like it.” “Sound like what? Jane Austen?” “Yeah, like… older. Wiser.” “You’re really not weirded out by any of this?” “Would you prefer it if I were?” “It would make more sense for sure.” “Nate, it’s cool. I mean, how is blood any worse than coke or heroin, you know? Out of all your habits, drinking blood to stay alive is the least concerning. Is it unusual? Is it… messed up? Damn right it is. But as long as you don’t hurt other people in the process, is it really a bad thing? Satanists do much worse for fun. Besides, you said it yourself, there are perks.” “And downsides.” “There’s downsides to all things in existence, you know? I’m just… sad for you, really. Can’t even begin to imagine losing so many people along the way.” “It’s been… difficult” to say the least, a decade after Cassandra’s death.

The engagement ring I bought, but never gave her was still on my keychain. When you caught me staring at it on the table between us, you lit up another cigarette and stayed silent for a little while. 

“Promise me something?” “Of course.” “If anything happens to me… be there for my daughter?” “Nothing’s gonna happen to you.” “But if it does. When I’m gone and you’re still here?” “I promise.”

Now your guitar pick is hanging on my keychain, next to Cassandra’s ring.��