#(and I had asked a question that was basically ‘migraines and depression really throw off my plans for writing what do you recommend’) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

theouijagirl · 4 years ago

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Hey Tumblr. It’s been a while.

It’s not you, it’s me. Lately I’ve had to shelve quite a few things in my life, and Tumblr wound up being one of them. I’m really sorry if any of you became extremely worried or distressed at my sudden absence. I didn’t intend to be gone for so long.

I should start off by saying: I’m fine. The cat is fine, my house is fine, etc. Everything is okay; nothing is wrong. There’s nothing to worry about.

Honestly the only thing that has gone wrong lately has been the fact that a new virus evolved that is extremely deadly, and my government has decided that it would rather wish it would go away than try to do anything to stop it or prevent people from dying. My job was an indoor facility that mainly involves active play for families and manly profits from birthday parties, so obviously my building closed with no knowledge of when it would open. And toward the end of August, I got an email from my CEO saying that she decided she would not be reopening my building.

At first I felt okay, because the worry and the wondering was over, and now it was a sense of excitement of a new chapter of my life starting, and wondering what new people I would meet at my new job. And truly, I have met some incredibly wonderful people at the places I work (two part-time jobs, so I can still be full time) and I feel more like I’m really becoming the professional person I want to be at my jobs. On the other hand, the sense of grief at losing my job that I’ve had for five years has really hit me hard during October. My coworkers really were some of my dearest friends, most of whom I haven’t seen since March. Some of them have had babies, and I don’t know when I can see them. We had Halloween traditions which involved Costco pizza and lots of candy, and it physically hurts to know it won’t happen this year and that last year was the last time and we didn’t even know it. It aches to know I’ll never again walk into my old office. It hurts to throw out my old employee shirts. It truly has felt like a death to me and I really have needed to take some time to process it.

But really, Good News Number 1 is that I am working full time again, which doesn’t allow me as much time on this blog. I was at my desk at my old job, in which I could totally go on Tumblr whenever I wanted, and there’s no way I can do that at my jobs now. Also, Good News Number 2 is that I have new health insurance and I have the best team of doctors I’ve ever had in my life, and they’ve put me on some incredible medications to manage my depression and migraines. For the first time in my life, I’m not depressed every day. We are still working on the migraines, but I don’t have a headache all day every day. However, I still have the fatigue from having chronic pain, and I’m dealing with some pretty severe side effects, so when I come home from my jobs I go to bed.

Good News Number 3 is that my ASMR YouTube channel has given me more joy than I have ever expected. I actually really delight in making a schedule, filming, editing, and posting, and of course checking and replying to comments. It feels incredibly rewarding. I’ve been meditating on why it feels so different from any other hobby I’ve had, and I’ve come to realize that all my other hobbies are basically “Put money into the thing to make yourself feel good.” So I’ve tried distancing myself from any of my hobbies that encourage spending, such as video games and Kpop. I haven’t watched anything on a paid streaming service. I’ve been limiting my time on Pokemon GO, only because their Halloween event right now is actually good, compared to other years, but I’m not doing any activity that is made easier by purchasing items. And everything just feels more freeing, like there’s suddenly a weight off my shoulders that I didn’t even know was there. I allow little things here and there, like I’ll listen to a new Kpop release when it comes out, but not stream it, and the new Sims pack looks amazing so I’ll have to play for a bit once it comes out (and the only game I’ve allowed myself is Among Us, but really only because of the social aspect). But just having my hobby be something I create that people around the world can relax and enjoy and learn from, since it’s an educational channel, feels so incredibly rewarding. It feels better than working on my Animal Crossing town, or learning a Kpop dance. It’s my favorite thing out of all the Good News.

And now there’s this Tumblr. I always do a big blog post project in October. I started it early in October. I kind of hated it. But I didn’t have any other big ideas for what to do. And I mostly felt uninspired for two reasons. 1) Even though I made a post asking people not to do this, a majority of my asks was still people asking my opinions on Shannen Doherty and Keke Palmer. For the record, I literally have no opinions on these women, so please stop asking. 2) Even though we really don’t want to admit it, Tumblr is dying. It’s nothing like it was before, and it’s easily not even in the top 5 social media sites these days. Like, what’s the point of doing a big series on a social media site that nobody uses? And this isn’t toward my solid fan base, but my solid fan base is like a couple hundred people. I used to get the “wow, I just found your blog!” Anon once a week, now I’m lucky if I get one every few months. Our community just isn’t using Tumblr like we used to. Now, it seems like TikTok is the way to go. And I just don’t want to use TikTok. I’m a writer. I just figured out how to use YouTube, and even then, I don’t like the TikTok format style of video. Like, it’s great, but it’s not the format that I feel creative with. So I just feel stuck. And it makes me not want to write on this blog, honestly.

Of course I’ll still answer questions, I always will. I don’t think I’ll ever quit this blog. And of course, if you send me an ask or message that is life or death, I’ll respond the second I see it. But I really don’t know what the future of this blog is going to be anymore.

As for the spooks, that’s never going away either. If you don’t feel that energy outside at night right now then are you even human. It’s tangible. Not to mention, when I was filming an ASMR video about spooky places and was talking about Salem, and mentioned the name of the first young girl to be hanged, I felt a cold hand run down my right hand and arm, and my room was very warm considering I close all the windows while filming and have a warm cat in my lap.

Regardless, it’s gonna be a good Halloween.

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novaviis · 5 years ago

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I know it’s been forever since you wrote the sick!Dick fic but I just listened to Better Now by Oh Wonder and started thinking about it and I once again want to reiterate HOW DARE YOU

oh no…. it would be a shame if something were to… happen

sick!dick au, part who knows

It’s a month or soafter Dick is put on sick leave. They’re under no illusions anymore. Dick isgetting worse, and as scary as that is, they do honestly try not to let thatterrifying unknown hang over their heads. Dick and Wally have adopted a sort of“day by day” attitude. They just take things one step at a time, deal withproblems as they come up, try not to get caught in the overwhelming anxietythat comes with thinking about the future. They have today, and just for today,that’s enough.

And today, Dick isrestless.

He hasn’t exactly beenisolated in all of this, mind you. He doesn’t spend his days sitting on thesofa in their shitty little apartment, staring at the ceiling. Sick leavesucks, especially for a guy that’s so used to some sort of action every day,but he’s not locked up in an ivory tower. He goes out with Wally, visits hisfamily and friends in Gotham, takes walks to clear his head – but travellinganywhere alone is risky. Stubborn as he is, even he can recognize that. Hecan’t drive, so usually he either has to take a cab or ask someone to come pickhim up (which he fucking hates). He does a lot with Barbara, helping withsurveillance and manning the comms when the others are on patrol. Goes overcase files and helps pull loose ends together. Just enough to keep him fromgoing insane.

Wally, for his part,tries his best to hold off that stagnant depression. Better than anyone, heknows just how much it’s been affecting Dick to have to step away from the twomost important roles in his life. So, whenever Dick is feeling up to it, hetakes him out on dates, brings him to the gym so he can work off energy withsomeone watching, all that. Wally is just constantly on and he never complains once. Never really crosses his mind. Thisisn’t a burden, this is his best friend and the love of his life, it’s the mostnatural thing in the world to want to make him happy.

Still, inevitably itdoes get to Dick sometimes, and Wally can see that. Try as they might to keepthings normal, their lives just /aren’t/ normal anymore – not even their ownvigilante-superhero-normal. Things are different, and it sucks. Because travelis difficult and risky, they hadn’t really left Gotham much in months. As aresult, they hadn’t seen their friends in quite a while.

Dick suggests thatmorning that they have the Titans over, just to hang out and watch movies,maybe break out a few board games. A sort of normal they haven’t had in awhile. Wally agrees that it sounds like a great idea – on the premise that Dickis feeling well enough the night of, to which Dick rolls his eyes with an“okay, mom” and kisses the sideWally’s head as he takes his plate to the sink.

They pick a nightabout a week later and Donna, Roy, Garth come over for some good old fashionedTitans bonding time. They haven’t had a night like this in ages, all thingsconsidered. Dick’s feeling good, excited, spends the afternoon cleaning up andgetting snacks. By the time Wally gets home, everything’s pretty much done, andDick’s just waiting anxiously for their friends to arrive.

They do, gradually.Roy is the last one because his sitter was late to watch Lian. The rest of themstart throwing popcorn at him, not buying him blaming the babysitter for asecond.

It’s a good night.Honestly, it is, and over the course of it, Wally can’t help but feel a bitlike they’ve managed to capture a moment from a time past. It was with a bit ofan aching longing, a bittersweet knowledge that they could pretend everythingwas okay for a night, but they never knew what the future would hold. He almostfeels guilty for allowing the thought to settle.

Garth and Donna get intoa shouting match over The Hobbit. Dick only intervenes here and there with asmug grin, posing a new question just to watch them both get worked up again.It eventually leads them to stopping Jurassic World halfway through to put iton. Roy comments that if they’d going to start one Hobbit movie, they’re goingto have to watch them all, and there’s no way they can fit all that in onenight with it already getting late. Garth just shrugs, as he’s putting the DVDin, that they’ll just have to do this again soon. It almost breaks Wally’sheart to see just how quietly happy that makes Dick.

Keep in mind, ofcourse, that they’d been keeping things at a reasonable volume. They’d kept thebrightness of the TV to a decent level, and kept the lights off, and apart fromthe five of them just being rambunctious, fairly low key. Halfway into themovie, Dick leans against Wally’s shoulder on the couch. Okay, nothing oddabout that. But then he turns his face in against his neck. He groans andtenses, and Wally can see where this is going. He wraps his arm around Dick’sback, asking him in a low whisper if he thinks he’s about to have a fit. Aftera moment, Dick grunts out a no, claims that it’s just his head. Not a seizure,a migraine, but still nothing good.

At that point, theothers catch on, and Donna pauses the movie. She asks Dick if he’s not feelingwell, tells him they can go if needed – and, emphatically, Dick says no. He’sfine, just needs to take his migraine pills and he’ll be fine. Turn the movieback on.

Sure enough, Wally isalready on his feet getting Dick his meds, a glass of water, and a slice ofpizza because it’s not good to take on an empty stomach. Which, in hindsight,is a stupid instruction for a medication for migraines, when you feel secondsaway from vomiting. Dick’s a champ, manages a few bites before taking the pill,pretending his palm isn’t shaking as he pops it into his mouth. And, since noone’s moved for the remote, he turns the movie back on himself.

They only get anotherten minutes in before Wally suggests that he’s bored and they should break out a game instead – conveniently beforeone of the big action scenes, when even with the volume down, the chaotic soundand camera flashes can be a lot to handle. All too quickly, the others agree.Wally knows that Dick is pretending he doesn’t know exactly what they’re doingand complies. So, they move to the table, clear away some of the food, andbreak out a party game, one of those card games that you can describe as just like Cards Against Humanity, but y’know,totally its own thing except that it’s basically the same thing just withits own gimmick. It’s fun, nonetheless.

And, for a while, Dickseems to be okay. He’s a little quieter than before, but there’s still somecolour to his face, and he’s laughing and joking with everyone else. Wally, forthat short while, believes that they dodged a bullet. But as the game goes one,Dick’s head sinks into his hand, and eventually he has to put his cards down,bowing his head. Wally rubs his hand up and down Dick’s back, leans in,whispers that he should go lay down if he’s still feeling so bad, that it’s notworth causing him pain.

Dick is frustrated. Hejust wanted one night with hisfriends where he could escape this reality for a while. However reluctantlythough, he gives in. When the others claim that they can leave if needed again,Dick tells them they can stay and finish their game and movie, that he’s justgoing to lay down for a bit until it passes.

But it doesn’t. Notthat quickly, anyway. The migraine worsens, and worsens, until Dick is throwingup into the bin beside the bed, in total agony. He’s close to tears with it,breaking into a cold sweat and gritting his teeth so hard his veins pop. Halfdelerious. Wally spends the rest of the night going between taking care ofDick, trying to make him comfortable, doing anything he can to help, and checkingon their friends, who are all sitting awkwardly in the living room. The movieis playing again, but it’s muted. No one really had the heart to deny Dick whenhe asked them to stay. Eventually, though, Roy does have relieve his babysitter,and Garth follows after him, both leaving their well wishes with Wally to relayto Dick as they shuffle out the door.

Donna stays behind onthe pretense of helping to clean up. All the while, Wally is pulled between thecleanup and the bedroom to check on Dick. He spends a good twenty minutes inthere just trying to soothe him until he eventually falls asleep – or not somuch falls asleep as passes out. When he goes back out into the living room,the place is spotless. Before he can even thank Donna, she’s guiding him outonto the balcony. They leave the door open, still within earshot should Dickneed anything.

Out in the fresh air,Wally leans against the rail and tells Donna that Dick’s alright, that he’sfinally asleep but sometimes these migraines last for days, that he’ll have toget a refill on the pain meds soon, even as careful as they are with them, and Dick’snext appointment isn’t for another month, that he might take the day off work tomorrowif it’s really bad so he can stay with Dick. Donna leans against the rail nextto him and listens, and after a short silence, turns to Wally and asks if he’sokay.

And Wally doesn’treally hear it right at first. He starts to say that Dick will be fine now thathe’s asleep, but Donna cuts him off.

“Wally,” she says, “areyou okay?”

It honestly catcheshim off guard a bit. He just sort of stares back at Donna for a while beforestammering out that of course he’s okay, he’s not the one suffering here, andDonna shakes her head.

Just because Wally isn’tthe one who is ill doesn’t mean this hasn’t been hard on him. Not that it’s aburden or irritating to have to take care of Dick so often, absolutely not. ButWally has been taking on so muchlately, and the stress of watching Dick’s health deteriorate cannot be easy.This is scary. And while everyone’s been so focused on Dick, with good reason,Donna’s afraid that no one’s really though to check in on Wally.

And he just kind of…breaks down. He doesn’t really sob, doesn’t full on cry, but his composurecracks. Donna is there, holding him tight, letting him bury his face in hershoulder as he shudders and bites back stinging tears. Because he doesn’t allowhimself to be scared, and he is. He’sburning out between the constant worry and the stress and just trying to keepup with everything being thrown at them.

Just because Wallywould shoulder this all without hesitation, doesn’t mean it’s not hard, and Donna tells him as much.

She leaves that nightwith kiss on the cheek and a promise that he can talk to her whenever he’sfeeling overwhelmed. Wally shuts the door, turns off the TV, and heads into thebedroom. Dick is still asleep, thought restless. He’s nestled against Wally’spillow. Wally exhales as he closes the door behind him. When he slips into bed,careful not to disturb Dick’s already fitful sleep, Dick rolls over almostimmediately and shifts closer. Wally can feel it when he muscles relax just slightly.

#theo-ography #sick!dick au #birdflash #dickwally #that song though teddy FUCK #OUCHIE

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stylesmyth · 5 years ago

Photo

FLOURISHED SUN

I take the marble staircase two steps at a time with Brandon on my heels. He begs for me to slow down, but with my father’s office doors in sight, I refuse. Without knocking, I barge in, using such a force that sends the large doors slamming into the walls they hinge on. It startles my father, who jerks his head towards me.

“A curfew?!” I cry out.

Brandon, just now catching up, nearly rams into me as he enters the room with momentum. “Miss Burrell,” he says formally. “Your father has asked to not be disturbed.”

“It’s all right, Brandon,” my father assures, voice impeccably calm.

I start again. “I mean, shutting down schools, I can understand! Not telling me there were twenty-three other deaths, I can excuse because it’s confidential. But a curfew? Really?!”

He stands from his desk. “Yes, Delaney, really. Until everyone is medicated properly, I have to make sure there is as little contact as possible between the contagious and healthy.” He walks to me, words growing more heated by the second. “And as for the little stunt you pulled tonight. Leaving the house without permission? What were you thinking?!”

“For Christ’s sake, I had Brandon there for protection!”

“And I’m sure he agrees that, regardless, you were too close to that boy that you know damn well is sick.”

My jaw tightens. “You told him about Ernie?” I ask, turning to Brandon.

Father answers, “He called me from the diner before the speech, as he should have. And because you tricked him, and disobeyed my wishes, I’m putting you under house arrest.”

“What?!”

“The guard at the front gate has been informed of this decision, and Brandon is to stay here, around the clock until further notice, to ensure you pull no funny business like you did tonight.”

I throw my arms up. “What is so wrong with wanting to see him one la—”

“Delaney!” he raises his voice. “We will not be discussing this any further in the company of a guest!”

At those words, I peer over my father’s shoulder. Sure enough, a man that looks vaguely familiar—perhaps I’ve seen him at dinner parties or public events—sits in one of the two chairs placed in front of the desk, watching the whole ordeal.

The man rises from his chair. “Please, Samuel, do not stop on my account. The work day is technically over, and family matters must be...attended to, nonetheless,” he says in a deliberate tone. “But, if I may introduce myself, I am Zachary Masters—”

I interrupt him, now knowing how I recognize him. “Parliament member, and the man who will be appointed Interim Leader if anything were to...happen to my father.”

We’ve been at several occasions, in many of the same rooms, but I’ve never been formally introduced to him—if one could even call this a formal introduction. He was always with other government officials, whilst I grouped with several other daughters and sons of those officials. From far away, he looked kind, his greying hair gave him a grandfatherly vibe. Now as we stand with closer proximity, and I can feel the full force of his dark eyes upon me, I almost want to coward away, even if his gaze isn’t intentional. But this isn’t about him, and I can’t lose what spite I have towards my father so easily.

The room grows strangely quiet in the vocalisation of my words. Zachary takes to looking at his shoes as I turn to my father, who avoids my gaze. It lasts for a moment, before a ring of a telephone on my father’s desk sounds. He’s sighs, glancing at Zachary before turning to attend to the phone call.

Father attempts to answer the call in a hushed tone as I focus once more on Zachary.

“So, what are you doing here?” I cross my arms in front of my chest. “Is there something he’s not telling me?”

Zachary senses the hesitation in my question. “Oh, no, no! There is nothing wrong with your father, I can assure you. No, I am simply here to assist Samuel in some work.”

“What kind of work?”

He pauses, and I can see the debate with himself to answer or avoid me. “Well, we’ve been in contact with America—their labs, the embassy, Congress, even the President—pretty much nonstop for the last day. We’re are trying to find the origins of the virus, and what the best way to distribute the medicine is. Basically, just where to go from here, with what we know.”

“And what do you know?” I ask.

He grins. “I’m sure you understand why I cannot disclose that information, Miss Burrell.”

***

friday night

Delaney: brandon told my dad i saw you tonight

he put me on house arrest

Ernie: wtf

Why would he do that?

Delaney: i didn’t tell Brandon that you were gonna be at the diner

Ernie: why not?

Delaney: I’m not technically supposed to see you whilst you’re still sick

Ernie: Delaney!

Delaney: what?! I wanted to see you and just have a nice night

Ernie: but something could’ve happened

u could be sick

Delaney: i could be sick regardless

I’ll just get the medication like everyone else on Monday and everything will be fine

Ernie: can I call you, or facetime?

Delaney: not unless you want brandon to hear everything we say

He’s “posted” outside my room and my door “must remain open unless I’m changing”

Ernie: sigh

I guess i won’t be able to see your pretty face for a while then, huh

Delaney: you’re a dork

but sadly no

Ernie: you like this dork

Delaney: hmmmmm

Perhaps

saturday

Delaney: i feel like i might go stir crazy if i have to sit in my room for the rest of the weekend

Avoiding food>getting another lecture

Ernie: [imaged attached]

you could look at this instead :*

monday

Ernie: [imaged attached]

Look at this queue outside of Boots

We’ll be here for hours

Delaney: is there nowhere else a little less crowded?

Ernie: nope all the same

A lot more people than i thought need this stuff too

Delaney: well let me know when you get towards the front

Ernie: hopefully it won’t take too long

I’m not feeling very well and Ty is noticing

Delaney: please stay safe <3 keep me updated

tuesday

Delaney: hey

I hate being that girlfriend that keeps tabs on you

But you didn’t text me back yesterday

Is everything okay? Are you feeling better?

Ernie: hey, sorry about that

It was a long da y

did u get the meds???

Delaney: yeah, dad brought home some of the pills instead of the injections

But are you sure you’re okay?

We never use text slang with each other

Ernie: i cant starw at the scrreen to long

I think a symptom of gettn the shot is migrains

wednesday

Delaney: how are you feeling today?

Delaney: You might still have a migraine so maybe that’s why you aren’t answering

If you get a chance to read this, though, just let me know you’re okay

Delaney: please answer my texts, Ernie

It’s worrying me sick to not hear from you

thursday

Ernie: delaney

Delaney: thank God you finally answered

I’ve been pacing around all day

Are you okay

Is everything alright

Ernie: the medicine isn’t working

Ty didn’t make it

And I don’t feel so good

***

I will for the words on the screen to change. Maybe if I stare at them long enough, the letters will shift, and he’ll be telling me that all is well. The medicine is working. Everyone is healthy. Ty is not dead.

Ty is not dead.

He can’t be. He was feeling better last week. If Ty was feeling better, that means everyone else sick would feel better, too. They have to feel better. They can’t die.

Ernie can’t die.

When I was old enough ask my dad about my mum, I also asked why he didn’t remarry. He told me that, after her death, he was in a state of shock, and then grief struck, followed by a period of depression. He said it was the worst time of his life. He knew, that even after losing my mum, he couldn’t remarry. His grief was as large as love, and he knew he’d never love someone else that same way.

I understand the first feeling of shock now.

The difference between him and me, though, is that I have a warning. My shock comes before any loss, and it’s crippling.

But there’s one thing on my mind: I am getting out of here.

No tears have formed, but when I call, “Brandon,” there’s a notable shake in my voice.

Through what little open space there is in my door, he responds, “Yes, Miss Burrell?”

“Could you please shut the door, I’m going to change. And then, I’ll go to bed.”

It’s fairly dark outside, so I know Brandon will believe my lie, thinking that I’m getting ready for bed. I wait just a few seconds to run on tiptoes to my window. My bedroom is on the first floor, overlooking the road to the house’s front door, where Brandon would always drop me off. Where the reporters once stood across the street. As I push up the window, I see no one on the street at all.

Thankfully, on the ground floor, below my bedroom, there is an alcove that juts out from the house, allowing a small roof just outside my window. I do not bother shutting my window as I step outside. Brandon won’t check my room for the rest of the night, thinking I’m asleep, so I keep it open to sneak back in the morning.

The distance from the ledge to the ground isn’t far. I sit down with my legs over the edge, and then slowly twist around, so my front is against the blue bricks as I hang on with what very little upper body strength I have. Then I let go.

With bent knees, my feet hit the green ground quickly. I catch myself from falling over into the damp grass, but waste no time in surveying the area once more. The easiest way to get to Mayfair, where Ernie lives, is the back streets. Last I saw, and heard from Dad, there’s only one guard on the perimeter, and he’s at the gates in the front.

I start to run in the opposite direction.

***

Ernie’s mum answers the door after three rounds of persistent knocking. She’s wearing a bathrobe, likely never having changed from it this morning, and her brown hair looks unkempt. In one hand is a box of tissues, and in the other, a balled-up tissue that she raises to her reddening nose before speaking.

“Delaney, what are you doing here?” she asks, mouth hanging open at the sight of me.

Tears that were kept back as I ran appear suddenly, clouding my vision. “I heard about Ty.” My voice trembles. “Ernie told me. And I am so sorry, I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now. But can I please see him? I need to see Ernie, please.”

She looks hesitant at first. We both know what allowing me inside means; the medicine doesn’t work, and anyone who steps across the threshold is going to be, at the very least, exposed. But after studying my pleading eyes and dejected form, how desperately I need to see Ernie regardless of the consequences, her elbow nudges the door open. I thank her profusely, stepping by her to get inside, ready to dash to Ernie’s room. The low sound of Mrs. Winland calling my name again stops me.

When I turn towards her, she nods and says, “Make it count.”

She walks into a different room, leaving me with her vague instructions. It’s not hard to connect the dots, though.

With Ernie.

Make it count with Ernie.

With that, I start down the hallway to his room. Family portraits and school photos, even Ty’s drawings, hang along the walls, but I don’t look at them. I can’t bare the think that the little boy will only remain in the photographs and the art he created, forever immortalised behind a piece of glass and four cornered frames. I can’t even bring myself to think about looking at the older boy in the pictures, so I keep my head down until I reach his door and push through without delay.

He doesn’t hear me come in. He also doesn’t hear the small click the door makes as it closes behind me. I begin to wonder if he’s asleep, but as I move around his bed, wading between the piles of clothes on the floor which were never there before, I see his eyes are open and looking out the window next on the parallel wall.

“Ernie?”

He suddenly snaps to attention. When he sent me a cheeky selfie last Saturday, I thought he looked a little worse for wear than he did the previous night I saw him. But, as I watch him now, I can see the sheen of sweat covering his sinking facial features. His skin is paler, which is saying a lot for someone who lives in a city that receives very little sun to begin with. Even from my distance, I can see a notable change in his irises; a few off-white spots have appeared close to the edge of them, standing out against the brown colour.

I lose all words. I’m not even sure if I had any coming in.

He shifts under his pile of blankets, no doubt the source of his sweating, but I can also make out the slight shivering to his body. “De...What are you doing here?” he asks with a hoarse voice.

I sob.

“I had to come see you,” I force out. “I’m not going to let you be alone when you said you weren’t feeling well.”

He frowns. “I-I said that?”

Ernie poses the question more for himself than me. I walk closer, sitting down on the edge of his bed. “It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m here now, and I’ll be here. With you.”

“No…” He starts to shake his head. “No, but you shouldn’t be here. Y-you could get sick. No, no, no.”

As if to prove it, he begins to cough.

“I don’t care anymore,” I stress. “I could already be sick and just not know! But I do know that I am going to stay beside you, regardless of any virus, or parents, or the fucking rapture!”

He looks over my shoulder, eyes going out of focus like he’s daydreaming. When he glances at me again, he asks, “Why are you crying?”

It only makes me cry more. “Because I love you, damn it.”

These words aren’t a revelation. We said them for the first time a few months ago, but only sparingly since then. For the special occasions or moments when we were caught up in each other. We never take the words lightly, and always cherish them greatly.

Make it count.

Ernie’s frown grows in confusion. “You shouldn’t be crying because you love me.”

“My grief is as great as my love,” I whisper. “And I haven’t even lost you yet.”

He doesn’t seem to have heard my words, his attention is back to the window. I stare at it with him, willing myself to calm down at least a little. There’s nothing outside of his window except the view of another building, but having something to focus on helps for the moment. Ernie coughs at times, and at one point, I feel him shift until his hand is free from the confiding blankets, reaching for mine. It’s a small comfort to know that, whilst it seems his mind is somewhere else completely, he’s still present in some form.

Eventually, he speaks again. “Do you want to lay down?”

Make it count.

“I want to kiss you.”

I don’t think it’s what he expected me to say from the look on his face, a look reminds me of the healthy Ernie. He says with a small smirk, “We could do both.”

I laugh. I am actually able to laugh in such a moment, after a week of feeling like I’d never laugh again.

So, caution is completely stranded on the side of the road as I lay down on his right side, on top of his mounds of blankets. And I set an alarm for five in the morning, early enough to run back home before anyone else wakes up. And I kiss Ernie, because I want to make everything count.

And I wait for morning, praying it will never come.

#flourished sun #fs #FSp3 #delaney #ernie #apocalypse #fic #fiction #original fiction

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newhologram · 8 years ago

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New’s Atlas Subluxation and chronic illness timeline

It’s in my nature at this point to document things and it’s smart to keep track of my healing post-procedure anyway, so I might as well make a timeline here and share the experience as usual :p

Feel free to ask any questions, it doesn’t bother me at all. We need to let patients be teachers too, I think.

So here is my atlas subluxation and chronic illness timeline with backstory leading up to the procedure before it gets super specific with dates. I will try to update this during my healing as much as I can to document changes. I’m putting lots of links to posts where I talk about things as well, but you can also go into these tags on my blog to find more information: #personal #atlas subluxation #fibromyalgia #chronic pain #chronic illness #invisible illness #narcolepsy #ulcerative colitis 1.16.17 Posted with info up until this day. 4.12.17 3 month update!

1989: Born December 29th at a 3 1/2 lbs. Taken out prematurely because there was a complication with the umbilical cord and I was no longer growing. I had to stay in an incubator for 11 days until I weighed enough to go home, which was 5 1/2 lbs. It’s unclear whether or not the subluxation was present after birth; it’s possibly that I could’ve been pulled out in a way that caused it, but we have the next event as a definite marker for when things started getting worse.

Summer of 1996, age 6: While playing with sister I accidentally fractured my collar bone. I went up into the air, I remember seeing the ceiling coming closer, and then I fell straight down onto my back pretty hard. I cried and cried and said over and over again, “I broke something, I broke something” until they took me to the hospital. I vividly remember how I shook when they put me on the table to x-ray me. The doctor cheered me up by pointing out the gas in my chest. But basically they were like yep, there’s a fracture right there. And they sent me home with a sling. I remember that it had dinosaurs on it and it made me happy.

1996~2000, age 6 to 10: Always sick. Daily stomach aches, digestive issues leading to restrictive diet, nausea, back pain, bad posture, fatigue, insomnia, nightmares, sleepwalking, always cold, chronic bronchitis, hypersensitivity to stimulus like sound, light, color, taste, smell, temperature, and even experiences whether positive or negative, auditory processing disorder making it hard to understand what people said, problems with being “too excitable” and having intense reactions to rejection which was hard because I was constantly bullied and controlled by peers for being “weird” and “different”. I struggled in most subjects, but especially math, and I could never really handwrite properly, even to this day. School in general was just very hard because I never felt well and couldn’t keep up with others. Crying on the floor meltdowns whenever there are loud sports games or if a friend goes home early from a sleepover or if a parent gets mad at me (or I think they are). These meltdowns persisted into adulthood. I was always just called dramatic for them.

2001~2009, age 11 to 19: Middleschool and highschool were even harder. I struggled in most classes except for creative ones. Health problems persisted: first sleep paralysis with hallucations episode at age 12 or 13 and often had episodes after school that would eat up my early evening and wear me out mentally, still had problems with bronchitis, ovarian cyst caused me a lot of pain and missed classes, then I started having even worse digestive problems. By age 15 I had my first upper endoscopy and colonoscopy where they discovered ulcers in my esophagus, stomach, and intestines. Feelings of isolation, unable to feel like I could connect with people, noticeable depression, loneliness. First vomiting panic attack at age 17. At 19 did a homestay in Japan; an amazing experience but made difficult by vomiting, fatigue, insomnia, anxiety leaving the house and exploring by myself and freaking out when I got lost.

2010~2016, age 20-26: Health problems begin to worsen in early adulthood. Age 21: I’m vomiting a few times a week and having a ton of other problems, diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. Sleep and fatigue problems making it hard to work at my retail job especially while I’m in college. Age 23: suddenly the sleep paralysis and insomnia are impossible to manage and I go several months with very little sleep, getting worse and worse, every day having looong hard sleep paralysis episodes that leave me with horrible headaches and slurring like I’m drunk. I still go to auditions and work jobs I book as best as I can but get a narcolepsy diagnosis after a long process of sleep study and being yanked around by insurance not letting me actually see the neurologist for my diagnosis. Depression is getting to the point where it almost paralyzes me but I do my best. Health problems cause fights with family. Age 24: not long after the narcolepsy diagnosis: the pain and fatigue become excessive and debilitating and I get the fibromyalgia diagnosis. Condition worsens and worsens, a bump forms on my upper spine that causes horrific pain and distress. 2014 I’m in the ER/urgent care 4 times because the pain makes it unable to rest or stop vomiting for days on end (the most being 6 days where I lost 12lbs). I go to an Ayurvedic healing center because the doctors were useless. There is some improvement but I still struggle, at least I had a lot of good coping tools to keep myself a live, if only barely at times. In bed most days in horrible pain and exhausted by simple things such as getting up to use the restroom. Depression is horrible and a cloud of suicidal urges hang over me for almost 2 years because I feel like a failure who is ruining my family’s happiness by being sick and I feel an intense hatred for myself. I try to work a very mellow part time job at a perfumery but the pain makes it too hard and I’m eventually let go. Age 25: Depression persists but I force myself to start doing background TV/film work on a weekly basis. Making money helps calm me but it’s incredibly difficult with my health problems and I often vomit on set from fatigue and pain. I start seeing a chiropractor to help alleviate the pain and depression. It helps but I have to see him twice a week at first, then once, then every other week, but during a flare up it’s back to once a week. I also start seeing an acupuncturist which helps with organ function and eases some symptoms but I still have to see her regularly and the expenses add up and cause more problems with my family since I’m barely able to afford them on my own. Age 26: I get a part time job in retail to help supplement me while I do background work. With the skills I learned I’m able to manage things but I still suffer a lot every day and don’t sleep well because of the pain. Later in the year I stop doing bg work and get an additional part time job. I had accepted long ago that I would be in pain for the rest of my life and that all these tiny minimum wage paychecks I worked so hard through agony for would just go straight into managing my symptoms. I accepted that by age 45 I might be bedridden but at least I was doing my best now in my 20′s and I needed to accept whatever time my body had on this planet and do my best to be a source of light for others going through the same thing.

Starting the week of the December 18th, 2016, I have a lot of work days in a row and I’m slammed with auditions. It’s getting colder and colder, my pain is higher, I don’t have much time to rest. By Christmas Eve I’m in bed all the day with only short sporadic moments up to pee or try to soothe the depression with an activity. It’s so bad I can barely last 20 minutes at times before I have to stumble back to bed green in the face and weak.

This flare up continued until Wednesday, January 11th, 2017. 25 days of high pain and fatigue levels and going a few weeks only able to eat yogurt and a few crackers with one or two proper meals a week if I can. Lots of throwing up, usually two nights in a row, maybe a little break, and then back to it, just horrible persistent deep nausea. This is why I got down to 103lbs. Oops.

So, here’s where the timeline of atlas subluxation discovery and treatment starts:

12.18.16 ~ 1.11.17: Flare up from hell that wouldn’t end. It was suddenly back to the intense high levels I had back in 2014 when I didn’t know all these pain management techniques. Naturally, I was terrified and used every possible coping technique possible to get through it. Since it was so high I was just. Hoo. Each day was a rollercoaster. The pain gives me hella moodswings. Zip, zip, had to just keep it zipped as much as I could so I didn’t look like an asshole. If I had to work one shift I basically had to make sure I didn’t do ANYTHING beforehand to save those spoons and keep the pain from spiking, but I didn’t want to pass up auditions so I forced myself to a few. The pain got so bad I couldn’t even sit up in bed most nights. Missed a lot of work. Had to meditate like crazy to keep positive thoughts in the front of my brain but it was very difficult.

1.5.17: Barely clinging to positivity but trying my best, since I’m always in bed I work up the strength with a LOT of rest and pain management to play a little Pokemon. Meanwhile I’m trying to work on gross crunchy calcium in the back of my neck (yeah, it’s nasty) and this huge chunk comes off inside my neck, like just... a crunchy chip floating in there that I could move and scrape against my neck

UM. I YELLED and immediately posted about it and freaked out because by googling “hard crunchy back of neck floating” I discovered atlas subluxation. http://newvagabond.tumblr.com/post/155495266822/atlas-orthogonal-changed-my-life-migraines

1.6.17: Appointment with primary care physician to update her on my rapidly worsening condition and talk to her about atlas subluxation. She got flustered and was saying, “this isn’t something the healthcare system considers as treatment” and I was like WHY and at this point I was done being pushed around and I said many times, “Sorry, I just need you to hear everything that I’m saying” as I went over this whole page of notes I made for her about how this procedure could give me my life back. I lamb’d her into submission in order to get her to write several referrals to try to find someone. All she could do was refer me to the bone doctor and the neurologist.

GUYS IT’S LITERALLY LIKE, oh, your brain and body are breaking down because this one bone might be out of place? It’s that simple and obvious and we can find it in x-rays easily if we know what we’re looking for and there are already specialists who do this specific adjustment around the world?

Hmm... nahhh... nah... don’t even check there. Just treat this girl’s depression and pain with drugs FIRST, before we determine that it’s the organs themselves with the deficiency. We’ll just try that and see what happens, $50 please. I have been on 3 different depression/anxiety meds, zofran, xanax, ativan, tramadol, various colon steroids?? Just a ton of crap.

Even knowing I will need to pay an atlas doc out of pocket, I get so depressed that I can’t even bring myself to make a phone call for an appointment.

1.11.17: Crying and screaming level of pain, very weak, depression so intense all I could think while obviously very, very ill was “I’m the worst/I should die/I’m just a problem/I’m ruining my dad’s life/I’m an unreliable loser and all my coworkers and employers think I’m lazy and dumb/no one likes me because I’m too weird and always sick” etc etc. My dad almost took me to the hospital because the pain was just way too intense and making me lose my shit.

1.12.17, day of procedure: In the morning my dad called me and suggested we just do it, just call one of those specialists. I was in no state to make phone calls so he did it for me. He picked the closest one and called her. He said, “my daughter has fibromyalgia and she’s in bad shape” and the doctor said we could come in that day.

My post after the adjustment describing the experience with photos Even walking is different Other details about the visit Brain activity is high at bedtime but I can feel my body 1.13.17, day after procedure: Wake up sharp at 8am, do yoga. Got some pretty intense back and neck pains and fatigue but it’s different. I feel sore and aching like my body is letting go after holding onto something for a long time. I have an appetite. Talking about how this is the first doctor I’ve ever met who was just so confident in her ability to help me instead of shrugging and giving me drugs Reeling because everything is making so much sense and how our medical system is awful Prophetic dream? 1.14.17, day 2: Went to school, had fun because I could think properly. My dad took me to do errands after. I got really tired and had pain but it was still very different. We picked up some suggestions the doc gave me to help my body during the healing process. Thinking about how crazy it is that my body is going to be slowly adjusting and healing over the next year or so More thoughts as I feel my body change and think about what lead up to all this Hope and healing Already seeing a drastic change in sleep

1.15.17, day 3: Back to work at my retail job. Kind of difficult because I’m under strict orders from the doctor not to lift more than 5lbs as not to make my atlas go back out of whack. Lots of pain and fatigue by noon from having to use my body so much. But brain is still sharp, having fun with customers. On my break I start looking up atlas subluxation and how it affects a child’s brain development since I realize that this means that I grew up with a compressed brain stem. Unfamiliar feeling of peace and calm Sad thoughts remembering my childhood Suspicious of the medical system not recognizing this A thank you to friends and followers during this hugely important time

1.16.17, day 4: Day off. Pain levels got pretty high so I did my best to rest a lot. I was too tired to play more than a little video games. Noticing I look different in pictures Anon asks if the bump on my spine is gone More research, ebook with alarming symptoms that match mine Exposing a secret Text post talking about the pain and family members looking into this now/ Meant to be Stepping stones Having another look at my MRI More info 1.17.17, day 5: Very tired. Slept in until 9am, managed to do 5 pushups, yoga, and some light hula hooping. Had a good breakfast and got about an hour of editing done by 11:30 before I was just way too tired, so I napped until a little after 1 and had a small lunch. The pain wasn’t so bad, it was mostly fatigue. I ended up needing another 30 minute nap before I went to work. I felt kind of depressed but I’m not sure if it’s because of my worry about work. I worked today and I have to work tomorrow, I’m just worried 2 days in a row will be rough like it usually is. I still really wish I could just take time off completely and not force myself through these shifts. But I don’t want to lose my jobs. :( We’ll see. Epic upper body spasm while trying to make a snack 1.18.17, day 6: I slept really well despite waking up randomly at 3. I felt calm and warm without my heated blanket on for awhile, and fell back asleep easily. I ate a really good breakfast and lunch and work wasn’t too bad. I’m still very sore and aching, and having to move around so much definitely doesn’t help that. My mood was back up again, but I do feel a bit emotionally overwhelmed by all this information. I’m feeling anger and the urge to call my primary care doctor and ask her how she can even call herself a doctor. Wondering what differences my acupuncturist will notice Crooked glasses no crooked atlas yes Sharper brain at work Frustration and wondering how much worse I would’ve gotten Positivity is important but it doesn’t fix a spine by itself Happy to have answers but feeling a lot of sadness 1.19.17, day 7 and my follow up with the atlas orthogonal doctor: Follow up post here with “after” x-ray pics Thoughts on Snapchat Ashwagandha Lots of fatigue and also depressive mood swings keeping me in bed. 1.20.17, day 8: Fun day out with a friend, very much needed. She got me a gemstone for spinal alignment! Pain wasn’t too bad all day and by 5pm I was getting tired. VERY squirmy feelings.

Atlas noise is grossing me out Dear my body Reflection on my experience in the crystal store and how life has been the past 4 years being so sick Thinking about a classmate saying something kind of inappropriate 1.21.17, day 9: Bad depression and fatigue. Missed school and had a really rough time at work. 1.22.17, day 10: Mood improved a lot, felt okay at work and had a good massage. Super hungry. Sat at my desk for so long! But also so much wiggliness that I hate

1.23.17, day 11: I felt good so I vlogged a lot! I pushed it a little and had to rest a lot after though, oops.

Pain is high at bedtime, I need some kind of memory foam pillow 1.24.17, day 12: Acupuncture appointment went well, she was pretty amazed. Worked, pain came and went. Felt energetic. Even played OW when I got home. Depression is coming in smaller waves now but they’re still strong and can knock me over. Answering an ask about x-rays Another ask about fixing the atlas yourself Depression coping tips

1.25.17, day 13: A lot of depression first half of the day. It got better once I got to work. Pain got up there at night but I managed to get some OW in. Forgot to buy spicy patches but I have a new magnesium oil spray.

Brain reprogramming

1.26.17, day 14: Went to the market by myself and regretted it because I ended up in bad pain by 11am. Didn’t get much done the whole day, slept on and off like a toddler.

Thoughts on growing up Spoonie snaps: food and owies Night sweats pretty much gone 1.27.17, day 15: Another day of lots of pain and fatigue, but I managed to do a little bit and play some games. The impact of choosing not to suffer in silence Fatigue depression

2.6.17, day... omg idfk! I’ve been so wiped out I haven’t had the energy to sit at my desk and keep this updated.

Basically, things have still been a wild ride. I had a little over a week of high pain levels and fatigue but thankfully no vomiting, but looots of depression and badbrain. I’ve been doing my best to manage everything and stay on top of my self-care routine as usual. Each day is different and things are changing little by little.

Since so many of my updates/thoughts are in text posts I’ll just link them like I was already doing.

1.28.17 Chronic pain problem of trying to time medicating

1.29.17 I feel like I’m not allowed to rest One day I’ll be big and strong Recent snaps of pain management and finding comfort in cats and facemasks

1.30.17 PMS messing me up and such

1.31.17 Before and after x-rays and thoughts about my MRIs Got an adjustment at my regular chiro and it went great

2.1.17 Recent snaps of special spine pillow and such Missing gaming because too much pain ;(

2.2.17 Vlog teaser: working on medical marijuana vlogs! Advice for an anon Relating to a follower about overstimulation caused by a new pain

2.3.17 Spoonie actor visibility Snapchat story Heard back from the MyStrength people Intense flare with bad spine and rib pain and fever

2.4.17 Vlog about getting my handicap parking placard

2.5.17 Tonsil stones ; ; Morning depression Spoonies, Stay (about spoonie suicide) Intrusive thoughts, healing is painful, and on being a late bloomer

3.14.17

Time has gotten away from me. It’s hard to keep track of things. I’m having good days but more bad days. Lots of swelling in my upper neck now. Video here to show how big it gets http://newvagabond.tumblr.com/post/158336271242/this-is-what-i-mean-when-i-say-ow-my-upper-spine possibly because I didn’t rest and stuff, chiro had to do a lot

Depression was pretty bad too. And there’s been a huge weather change. It’s possibly that’s related to my flare up. Feeling hopeless.

Frustration at being told I’m lucky to be so skinny when I am skinny because of health problems Going to school in pain and realizing other people don’t have any idea what this is like Spine pain feels like spine is moving slowly, like braces on teeth Feeling pressured to work when my body is not well I wish I’d known it’s not normal Bad pain, acupuncture, experimenting with oils Threw up for the first time since January Being happy isn’t only for the neurotypical ER doctors hate us Malingering, teachers thinking I was faking Low spoons from having to keep up with people who have near infinite spoons

March got better towards the end with more frequent massage and me getting very serious about my Ayurveda self-care routine. Yoga deep stretch 2x a day, strict rest breaks, lots of ashwagandha, etc. Sleep became difficult again, both at night and during the day.

Neurological tics and SP Spine spoonie end of March Appreciate the time a spoonie gives you Emotional detox the past 4 years Low pain day despite stress and activity ?? didn’t have to medicate until 9pm Ashwagandha powder feeling changes Two days in a row of low pain and good brain function Survival is anything but typical More ashwa goodness Glass half full Suddenly back to being in bed most of the day Medical records showing just how incompetent my old docs were What does it mean to be strong? Spine swelling stealing my days I want a spinal implant Spoonies are always performing Losing friends when you get sick

Sesame oil and hot/cold pack life New vape cartridge for spine pain relief! Golden milk with ashwagandha every night!

Had a very busy week even with low pain days and got worn out after 6 days, high pain, but still great mood. I felt very positive and optimistic. Reality felt very strange with low pain. But I was back to my usual struggle the next week.

I still feel very much like the only way people will take my health seriously is if I push myself into collapsing. Also spine is so noisy when I do my yoga. I got my tax return and I’m so thankful because I was able to stock up on pain relief products! But I’m still kinda worried about the neurological symptoms I’m having.

I saw my new doctor and was really surprised.

4.12.17 3 month update and thoughts.

#atlas subluxation #chronic illness #invisible illnesses #disability #personal #teku #new's medical timeline

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