#( also i didn't get a good space to clarify but mathias ends up reuniting with edwin in lordaeron after thinking he was dead so theyre good

[shxwmaster]

— when shaw ran away —

( cw: details of trauma over a murder, specifically a slit throat )

     I’ve talked often about Shaw and his upbringing into the SI:7. In the canon I’m writing, here on this blog, I’m taking about 98% of everything written in the RPG lore and applying it, meaning that bit where Pathonia trained Mathias early on after his mother was killed when he was 4 is something I’m ALWAYS thinking about.

     But specifically, the impact it had on a teenaged Shaw, and the path it drove him towards.

     His training began small, seemingly innocent. Obstacle courses, races, minor parkour, dexterity checks and knife tricks taught under the guise of games and such, but one thing she hammered into him is that one day, he would need to avenge his mother’s death. She spoke grandly of his mother, spoke often about how she loved him and how her life was cut short, and as he grew older, would expose the details of her mission and her death. They knew exactly who did it, but his status and resources made it difficult to catch him (and by the time the First War rolls around, nearly impossible) but she told him that everything, everything she trained him for was to avenge his mother.

     His first kill was the target his mother failed to assassinate. 

     He was fueled by this need for vengeance, for closure, to fulfill this ‘destiny’ thrust upon him and constantly reaffirmed. He was 15, the First War was raging, but they’d finally, finally managed to find the target (target still pending story and name). Pathonia, the SI:7 and Assassin’s Guild are all there for support, but the fight itself against the target is one on one; Pathonia thought it more impactful and important that he do it alone.

     Mathias had the report of Charlene’s death memorized. Her throat slit, ditched in a corner — Mathias intended to give this man the very same death. However, when it finally came to, and he fought this man with the intention to kill, something he’d never done before, and Mathias watched as he inflicted these crippling wounds, he found himself disgusted and horrified. It caused him to hesitate multiple times, the entire room they were in destroyed from how many times they threw each other against furnishing and otherwise. But Mathias needed to finish this, he trained his whole life for this. He gets the upperhand, and with the dagger his mother once wielded, he breaks skin at that delicate throat.

     And he couldn’t handle it.

     Mathias, in that moment, did not care who this man was, did not care who he’d hurt or killed or what he’d done, did not care that he had spent his whole life training to murder him — all he cared about in that moment was that a man was choking on his own blood that he spilled, that the man was panicking and dying, and Mathias needed to stop it.

But he didn’t.

     Instead, Mathias ran. He was horrified, traumatized by it, hands slicked with blood and he couldn’t handle it, he couldn’t handle it — One thing is saying you’re going to kill a man, another is doing it. He desperately wished he had chosen any other path.

     When he was extracted and returned home and he explained everything that happened to Pathonia, told her how disgusted he was and horrified of himself, she seemed to understand for a moment. But she made a comment that haunted him:

          “ It’s a good thing we started you young then.           You’ll have plenty of time to get used to that feeling. ”

     See, Mathias was under the impression that all he needed to do was avenge his mother, and he would return to a normal life. This, apparently, was hardly the case. This was the beginning of a life-long, bloody career, and she did not intend to release her talons on him. She explained that he would have time to recover and deal with what he’d done, but he would do it again. And again. And again. And one day, he’d become numb to it, as they all had, and he had the perfect amount of time to do it so he would be ready to take on the mantle when he was older.

     She told him she was proud. That his mother would be proud of him.

That comment broke him.

     For the first time, Mathias snapped at her. He argued and fought about it, yelled about how he didn’t want to do this, how this was wrong, how this was horrible — he was still shaking, still felt like his hands were bloody, and every time he closed his eyes he saw the painted red throat and heard that choking sound of imminent death ——

          “ How could any mother be proud her son murdered?           How could you say that about her?! ”

          He trembled furiously, fists at his side as he dared            raise his voice at Pathonia. She hardly emoted, hardly           gave him anything more than her attention, and it made him ache.

          “ This is wicked! This is evil what we do! I didn’t ask to do this,           I didn’t need revenge! You made me crave it! ”           He takes one heavy breath for a heavy statement:            “ If that’s what she would be proud of, then I don’t want this legacy.           If she loved me, she wouldn’t have put her life on the line!           I was a child, she should... I should still have my mother!           You’ve proven to me she loved Stormwind more than her own son! ”

          That was enough to crack the shell of Pathonia’s cold gaze.           Her eyes widen, breath sharp, and before he can see it happening,           her hand is across his cheek hard, enough that sight on his left eye           flashed white and he stumbled back. Enough that he could taste blood.           Out of fear, he keeps his head down from where he was left,           limbs suddenly cold as she towers over him.

          “ Don’t you dare spit on Charlene’s memory like that! ” She snaps.           Pathonia never yells, he can not recall any time he’d heard her           yell out of anger, but her voice is raised enough that it makes           him reel and coil. “ Your mother loved you more than you know,           you will not disrespect her! You do not remember her as I do,           you did not see her as I did, you do not get to speak about what           she felt, about who she was! ”

     The point was made clear to him from here on out. This was his life. He was to serve a life sentence. The horror and resentment had built up, and he had nowhere to put this. He came to resent his mother, that memory of her, questioned if she loved him enough. That if she did, she wouldn’t have been on any missions, she wouldn’t have died, and he would have a normal life, normal family. Her death trapped him, for Pathonia felt the need to train him to be better, to take on what was supposed to be hers. With her death, she’d trapped him, and in his mind, his angry mind, he hated her for it.

     So, when the SI:7 and Pathonia were distracted with the war efforts, he took everything he learned and ran away.

     He wasn’t sure where he was going to go, but he knew that no matter where he ended up, the SI:7 would find him. They excelled at finding targets, at tracking, at stalking, at espionage — he didn’t know where he was going to go, how he would hide, but he knew that no matter the path, he would be on the run for the rest of his life. He was fine with it though - anything to get him out of this life.

     This happens Year 3 — the height of the First War, so his options were limited. Pathonia and her people were in a panic, because now, not only was the Alliance losing, but Pathonia’s grandson is gone and nowhere to be found, and she finds herself having to choose between putting her resources to the war effort, or to finding Mathias.

     She chose Mathias.

     Mathias was struggling. He had to flee both the SI:7 and the orcs he kept running into, and he could not find any safe place for him to stay or seek refuge. Redridge fell to the Horde, and Westfall soon followed, and he simply didn’t have the resources to travel to the northern human kingdoms. He’d managed to evade trouble for a month by himself, but eventually, he felt guilty about what he’d done. For the first time in his life, he was alone.

     He’d never even said goodbye to his best friend.

     In a moment of weakness, he decides to go back to Westfall and look for the VanCleef farmstead. At the very least, he owed Edwin an explanation of where he’d gone, that he intended to leave forever, but he needed to give him closure. To just disappear like that, he felt awful.

     But by the time he gets to Westfall, it’s overrun by the Horde. He finds the VanCleef farmstead demolished and burned, orcish patrols in the area, and Edwin’s lucky locket in the rubble. Mathias feared the worst, and knowing no other outlet, he attempted to attack the two orcs there, demanding answers in broken orcish about what they’d done to VanCleef. This goes about as well as you expect it to.

     Luckily for him, before the orcs can do any severe damage to him, SI:7 agents emerge from the shadows and rescue him, quickly collecting him back into Stormwind. They’d finally managed to track him down, especially since he’d gotten sloppy in returning to Westfall.

     There’s hardly any time for Pathonia to properly scold him on the ordeal. Days after he’s collected, King Llane Wrynn is assassinated, and Stormwind falls, leaving the people wholly, utterly devastated. The SI:6 had done everything in their power to stave the attack, but were ultimately annihilated. Elling Trias is the only survivor of the now defunct SI:6.

     Mathias and Pathonia don’t talk at all. There’s an uncomfortable, heavy silence between the two of them until the second week at sea on route to Lordaeron where they finally talk about it.

          “ ... Why did you save me? ”

          Pathonia doesn’t look away from the sea, simply           resting her arms against the railing and watching the waves           roll by. “ Why do you think I wouldn’t? ”

          Carefully, Mathias approaches, inching his way closer to his           grandmother. “ Because of the war. Stormwind needed you.           Far more than I needed you. ”

          “ Those orcs would have killed you. ”

          “ But Wrynn would have lived... ”           He finds himself beside her, mirroring her stance with his arms           on the railings. “ You chose me over Stormwind. ”

          She turns now to look at him, eyes distant and expression guarded.           He can’t remember the last time he saw her this cold. “ You’re my           grandson, Mathias. Flesh and blood — you don’t need to agree with me,           but you do need to know I care for you. Of course I chose you. I would,           every time — if our king needed to die a thousand times in order to keep           you alive, I’d be the one with that dagger to get it done. ”

          He purses his lips, dropping his gaze. He could still feel her eyes on           him, but he doesn’t move away, simply fiddling his fingers together.            “ I never wanted any of this to happen. ”

          “ I know you didn’t. But let this be one of those... funny little painful           lessons life thrusts our way, ” Pathonia says. “ You turned your back           on your kingdom, Mathias, and now, it has fallen. This isn’t a coincidence. ”

          He feels the weight in his chest sink further at that.           He doesn’t speak, simply accepting it. Had he not run away, they could           have focused on winning the war. Llane wouldn’t have died...

          “ We wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Stormwind, ” Pathonia continues.           “ They had no reason to save my sorry soul from a hanging,           but they did. They let me live, they let me create this empire,           our spies, our assassins — Mathias, I need you to understand that           we would be nothing without our kingdom. I would have died,           and neither you nor Charlene would have been born.           You are alive because of your kingdom. Your very own flesh and           blood crafted because of Stormwind. I beg you to not be ungrateful           for what you have. ”

          She lowers her head slightly to get his attention, for him to look at her.            “ I understand your apprehension. Your fear, your terror.           But this is what we do, this is how we serve and protect Stormwind.           We do what the weak-willed and soft will not, we get our hands dirty           to get the results we need. Others are shackled by their own fears           and morality — but we are efficient. It’s the least we can do in exchange           for the greatest gift of all: Freedom. ”

          She lifts her head high, lungs filled with the air of a proud breath.           She was the deadliest and most powerful aboard this ship, and           she carried it with grace. She bore her responsibility, her mantle           like a crown, she carried herself like a queen because she was one.            “ The only reason why you’re able to bleed is because of Stormwind.           The only reason you can breathe is because of Stormwind.                     Don’t forget our origins. ”

          It’s a heavy weight, and he can’t define the emotion it elicits,           but he opts to mirror her, standing up straighter and nodding.           Guilt, he thinks this is. He abandoned his kingdom, and it fell.           He grew selfish, he let his own personal fear get in the way,           and it killed a king. He felt responsible, no matter how many           times anyone insisted Stormwind would have fallen anyways,           he felt the blood on his hands.

          Pathonia turns back to face the sea, quiet and unflinching as the           ocean mist sprays at them. Mathias aims to take his leave, but just           before he does, she calls out again.

          “ And Mathias? ”

            He pauses. “ Yes grandmother? ”

          “ I mean what I said. I would choose you over Stormwind any day. ”           She doesn’t move, but her gaze flicks down,           the coldness enough to chill the ocean.                      “ But please... don’t make me choose again. ”

     When they finally arrive to Lordaeron, Mathias had made up his mind about how he’d continue his life. In the end, Pathonia was right, and he was selfish to run away. All he could do now was look to the future, and be a good agent.

     After all, it is because of Stormwind that he even had the opportunity to be born. 

                              There is no running away.                               There will never be any running away.