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bronx-bomber87 · 10 months ago

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Happy Monday lovely fandom. Lots to love about this one. Their opening scene is *chefs kiss* Some good Metro Tim. Really good Tim SL in general. Love this episode it’s fantastic for a lot of reasons. Let us begin shall we?

5x19 A Hole in the World.

We start off with some domestic Chenford and I’m here for it. Gimme. Lucy is studying in what looks to be one of Tim’s shirts. *squee* Pen in her bun looking all kinds of adorable. Tim stumbles out of her bedroom looking dead on his feet. Lucy having coffee ready for her sleepy boyfriend is everything. Her soft voice and excited features when she sees him is so precious. Gah she loves this man.

Ecstatic she gets to see him before work. Spend a little time together. She asks when he got in? Tim replying depends on what day it is? Ha Poor tired Tim. Lucy shooting back 'That bad huh?' Tim saying he’s eighty percent sure it’s Thursday LOL Lucy crushing his dreams telling him it’s Tuesday….His face is too funny. Poor man needs a day off in bed and snuggle time with his wife.

Lucy asks him what he was working on last night? I just love the whole feel in this scene. Him waking up all sleepy. Lucy is there happy to greet him. Little banter. Asking about what he’s working on. Married vibes in this moment. Lucy saying she stayed up incase she would catch him. Hoping the guy would turn himself in. Risking losing sleep to see her man. My Heart.

Tim says he did show up though. Showing her his battle scar. I saw a great parallel about this moment. That in past she had to ask if he was ok. Now he just shares it with her. She doesn't have to wonder. *happy sigh* Then we get the most glorious thing of all she calls him ‘Babe.’ Which I absolutely love. I think it’s so fitting for her to call him this. Unpopular opinion alert. I hate ‘baby.’ I legit cringe when I see it in a fic. Will straight bounce if it’s used to death as well. Just doesn’t seem like them IMO.

Babe seems much more fitting. Until I hear that word come out of either of their mouths. (Not counting Dim/Juicy) I can’t accept it as canon in my brain. Anyways that rant is over ha I love the concern and the way she softly touches his wound. Wanting to fix it for him. Can we talk about the tight fitting tank top and scruff? My god this man is trying to kill me. Sleepy scruffy Tim in his jams is welcome anytime. Give me more tank top Tim as well while we're at it. Loving that he has a hoodie there when he wakes up.

Which lends credence to my drawer theory. Man is keeping clothes there. I’m melting from all of these things at once. This is a fantastic opening scene for them. I love the way he shows her his wound first thing. Wanting her to make it better. The softest of humans around his girl. The way she gently touches it has me reeling. You know part of him showed her so she’d love on him a bit. Lucy jumped all over that and a sweet pet name to boot. I’m in heaven.

Lucy mentioning it was confident of this guy to try and take on 5 metro officers. I'm losing my mind over how once Tim is seated he’s not close enough for her. So Lucy pulls him even closer. Personal space wasn’t a word they knew before they were together. It’s non existent now that they are. Lucy lights up like a Christmas tree once he’s in front of her. Look at her above. Best thing to happen to her morning is him being there.

That line from 2x05 'They look so happy. I want that.' Now she has it and it looks good on her. Tim’s content ‘Mmm' and head tilt has me melting after she pulls him closer. His sweet gone for her smile and rubbing her arm. I'm a puddle. He is just as happy to be near her. Literally so content to share a quiet morning with his girl *internal screaming* They’re so adorable they might kill me. I’ll be writing the remaining reviews from the great beyond. So damn soft I’m on a cloud.

Once Tim is able to tear himself from her loving gaze he sees she’s studying. Genuinely confused asking what this is all is? I love her playful hit. Thinking he's pulling her leg. Tim is so baffled by this. She reminds him she’s studying for the detectives exam. Then questioning if she told him. I mean she might’ve but the man is sleep deprived and doesn’t know what day it is so...LOL

Tim replying he doesn’t think so? Lucy explaining why she’s going for it. Tim asking if she got the tap? Lucy is beaming when she tells him Harper and Lopez are backing her. (Of course they are. They know what a BAMF she is) Lucy looks so excited to share this news with him. Look at how proud he is of her. Exuding from that sexy smile of his. These are the moments where he’s that big softy for her.

Look at this love struck man. So proud of her he can’t stand it. Lucy starting with a little bit of self doubt. Saying with skepticism all she has to do is score in the top 12. Tim cuts her off before she can doubt herself any further. Saying she will. He knows how good of a test taker she is. Also how incredibly intelligent she is. He is her biggest fan and makes my heart so happy. Something that hasn’t changed from friends to more. Tim’s unwavering faith she will be amazing. No doubt in his mind about her crushing this.

From day one all he’s wanted is for her to succeed. To have an amazing career. Such the supportive husband not letting her doubt herself at all. I love her ‘Mmm’ as she leans in for their kiss. Heart eyes galore for him. Knowing that’s what he’s doing fo her. Her smile before she goes in for their kiss. *dreamy sigh* Always needing more than one kiss so they sneak in a second one. Forever love that. Such a great shot of a really cute morning kiss.

I adore the look on his face when he pulls back. That whole she fell first he fell harder resonating here in that look. The sweet rubbing of her arm getting me in feels as well. Can't keep his hands off her. Tim saying they better get used to not seeing each other then. Lucy adding in sadly yes. Between his hours and detective hours it'll be harder. Can see the sadness wash over her. Just as devastated by this idea as she was at the end of 5x12. Hating the idea of being apart from him so much. I do love Tim’s confidence it’ll be ok though.

Reminds me of Lucy’s in 5x12 and her talk with Tamara. Saying how they’d figure it out and they did. Little rocky but they did. This is a new obstacle for them to overcome is all. I love his wink at her when he tells her they’ll figure it out. It is fun to see their dynamic shift a little bit. Lucy being worried they’ll see less of each other. The worry is etched on her face. Tim being the positive one blows me away. Knowing they got this. Now that doesn’t mean they don’t need to have a deeper convo about this.

They for sure do. But I adore the depth of change in this man. With Lucy by his side there isn’t much he isn’t willing to do to figure it out. What happens when you are truly and unconditionally loved. Lucy has brought out this entirely new side of him and I love it so very much. Also it’s good for them to have these issues to work through. It’ll be productive for them even if it hurts a little along the way. Why productive angst is the best. Hurts so good and all that.

Nothing I love more than watching Tim in Metro mode. Hot damn. Fair warning he makes me very feral in this section. I have no regrets. Grey has looped in Tim and his team to watch Joel. Surveil him since he is a huge person of interest. Something about the the way he commands his team. Does things to me. Watching how he has plans in place.

Communicates everything so seamlessly. Just the complete control he has over this OP got me all hot and bothered not gonna lie. This case is serious but I can’t ignore how much I love watching him in the field. Especially with Metro. Phew lord. So much certainty in his commands and decisions. Crossed my legs couple times watching him in action not gonna lie LOL

We haven’t really gotten to see him on a mission yet. Be apart of patrol's mission's yes. But run his own OP that is exclusively Metro that we get to see? Haven't gotten that. I loved being able to watch him in his new element. Making calls on the fly as the situation develops. Then we get to see how he reacts under massive pressure running a team. He is watching Joel and it's obvious he is trying to split his team up. Tim can see his play from a mile away. Tim decides last minute to split them up in case. His seasoned gut coming into play in this decision. He's such a damn boss in this portion. Fanning myself as I watch him run this OP.

If you can watch him in this portion and not be turned on by his boss leadership I'm shocked.... and you're probably lying to yourself. LMAO Man is making me very thirsty in this scene. Just watching him have absolute control over everything around him is incredibly attractive. I need some water. *phew* We watch the hard choices he has to make during this OP. Joel has taken a motorcycle and they’re chasing him.

It’s getting more dangerous the faster he goes to get away. One of his guys is in pursuit and says he can keep up with him. The issue is he's in a car and Joel is not. Tim lets him pursue Joel till it gets too risky. Joel is going 130 entering the free way on that motorcycle. Tim makes the call to pull the plug despite some protest from his guy. He does as Tim tells him to and backs off.

He can't ensure no collateral damage due to the pursuit. Can't have an innocent family possibly get hurt to do it. Having to let him go despite wanting to pursue him. We can see how having to make this call frustrates Tim. It was the right call but damn it sucks. Once again love watching him in the field. Imma need more Metro Tim OP's in s6 writers just an FYI.

We return to Lucy at the station. They were able to locate Joel at an abandoned house. The kid was saved and removed thankfully. Sadly Tim had to shoot Joel once they entered and located him. He died on the scene. Didn’t leave him any choice in the matter. The shakiness in Lucy’s voice kills me as she approaches Nyla. Needing her guidance in this moment. Very stressed Tim still isn't back from IA yet.

She’s so worried about Tim and her anxiety is coming off her in waves. Harper being the amazing human can see this. She is tells her it’s ok. Harper can see how unsettled Lucy is. So she tries to calm her with some logic. Telling her that these types of interviews with IA are very through. They take awhile. That Tim will be fine. Lucy still looks like she hasn’t taken a breath though. That she can't do that till he's in her sights.

Tim makes his way into the bullpen and Lucy looks on verge of tears for him. That pull to go towards him is innate. Harper stops her when she sees Lucy move towards him. Telling her to let him talk to Grey first. She loves him so much. The look in her eyes when she sees him and her eyes follow him across the room. Ugh. My heart. Worried girlfriend mode has been activated and she can’t turn it off. There is just so much love in her expression and intense worry. A deep need to automatically make this better for him.

We can see how much she is longing to be near him. Wants to wrap him up in her arms and erase his pain. You can feel the anxiety coursing through her as she watches him make his way to Grey’s office. No one worries and cares for Tim like Lucy does that’s for sure. Plus her empathy is absorbing it all as well. She’s hurting because he is and it’s killing her to be away from him. But she is good and heeds Nylas advice to let him go for now….

The scene in Grey’s office has me crying. Gah Eric damn you and your amazing acting. He is WRECKED. Absolutely wrecked. Barely keeping it together in front of Wade. You can see the tears brimming in his eyes. He’s so emotional right now and trying so very hard to keep it in check. I'm so glad that they had this scene. Touched on how traumatic this was for Tim. Wasn’t glossed over. This scene showing the impact it had on him. Not only did he take a life but it was another cop's. One who KNEW Tim would have to pull the trigger if he forced his hand. Joel took the cowards way out. Made Tim pay the price for his exit.

Grey can see how distraught he is. The tears in this man’s eyes are breaking me. If Lucy could see this he would be in her arms so quickly. But she isn’t. I'm so glad he saw Wade first he needed this. Was important for Grey to absolve him in this moment. To hear it from someone who was his mentor and superior at one time. Not that Lucy’s opinion or help isn’t valid or wouldn’t help him. It will. He just needed to hear it from Grey first. That what he did was the right thing.

It’s why Harper suggested he see him first. Before she does. Logically Tim knows all the things he’s telling him. But he’s an emotional time bomb right now. So Grey reminds him that he had no choice. That he was dangerous. Tim repeating ‘I know’ because he does. Doesn’t change how he’s feeling though. I love Wade asking if there’s anything he can do? Tim gives his longest answer telling him to let him get back to him. Such a good scene. Broke my heart but damn good.

We return to our lovely couple catching up in the hallway. What a glow up this is I have to say. Going from hiding to Lucy being on his arm in front of the whole bullpen. The PDA in front of the station got me all in my feels. My heart may implode from how happy this makes me. Love her linking arms with one hand and touching his arm with the other. His reply to her question is such growth for him.

Before when he was keyed up he would just be angry. Lash out at those around him or push his feelings down and pretend he was ok. The fact that he can say he’ll be okay is huge. Tells her this calmly too. What a change in him. I remember seeing good parallel for this. His answer to Nell in 1x12 deflecting 'Yeah' and his reply to Angela in 2x11 when he was upset raging out. That he was fine just needed to blow off steam. With Lucy he's honest and doesn't deflect or explode. How far we've come.

Makes a massive difference when you’re loved by the right person. Lucy tries to be super soft in her approach. It’s why she’s does the soft touch first. It disarms him and she can speak her anxiety. Let out all the advice she’s been dying to say since he got back. Wanting so badly to soothe his raging emotions. Tim cuts her off and says it’s not the first time for him. Being bristly at first because it is still a default mode for him. Grown a lot but still getting used to the love and support of this woman next to him.

Lucy doesn’t let it stop her from being extra soft with him. She looks like she just wants absorb all his pain. Her eyes screaming as much as she touches her hand to his heart. Telling him she just wants to be helpful. Desperate to absolve him of this. He immediately melts at her touch and reverts back to soft Tim. Especially with her motives being so damn pure and in favor of helping him heal. Two episodes in a row she soothes him with just a simple touch. God I love them.

Tim thanks her eternally grateful for this woman in front of him. That she loves him and cares enough to do so. Put him first even when he’s slightly bristly still. Just like before they were together she doesn’t care if he is. Her main objective is to take care of him. He rubs her arm in the same affectionate manner as he did in their morning scene. This sweet touch speaking volumes for him. He’s so used to doing this stuff alone. To not have someone to be there in the aftermath.

But having her there for him changes everything. That realization melting his bristly reply from earlier. Heart eyes for days the two of them. In front of the entire station and I can’t get over it. Lucy giving him massive ones in reply to his thank you. Wanting so much to just make it better for him. Feeling like she isn't doing enough to help him though this. It's the way her body sags in that third gif. Wishing there was more she could do for him.

Tim needing the distraction from his emotions asking if she needs help? We watch Lucy melt like a puddle in front of him in the second gif. Loving him asking her if she needs it. Because despite the distraction it provides he genuinely wants to help her. Then we get a glorious call back to 2x02. Him basically recognizing all she did for him then in this moment. Knowing he wouldn’t be a sergeant without her. Without the books she recorded for him. Helping him study etc. Getting verbal recognition all these years later from him.

I too am a puddle Lucy. Not only recognizing her for what she did but telling her he wouldn’t have gotten score he did without her. (He really wouldn't have...) It’s here we see the scene go from serious to flirty as hell. Lucy touching his chest once again with her finger. Saying that’s true he owes her. Lucy seems so excited by this idea. Ready to cash in this long owed debt of his. Tim is smiling when she pokes him. Not an agitated bone in that man's body over this.

Tim is sassy af in his reply. Telling her he doesn’t owe her. Even though he was just a marshmallow and admitted as such moments ago... The flirty way she grabs his jacket. Oh my lord. The look in her eye as she walks away. Eyeing his lips and pulling on his jacket. Sweet lord this man is powerless before her. He knows it. Doesn’t fight her very long just says ‘Okay’ and goes after his girl. Never seen a man be so happy to be whipped in my life.

He is so ok that she runs this relationship for most part. We all know he actually loves this. Assertive Lucy is one of his favorites. Look at Lucy giving the orders and Tim following her lead no question. How times have changed folks. Broke his brain once again and all he can do is be in awe and follow after her. Such a goner for her and he’s very happy with this setup.

Follows her like a lost puppy out the door. Only Lucy could bring him back from the brink like this. Go from being upset and in his head to chasing after her. I love the amount of flirty sex talk these to have without ever really saying so. It’s amazing. Lucy definitely is owed a debt my god. He’s the one who passed the test but not without her help. Just like in 4x18 a debt is owed sir LOL Damn I love these two so very much it’s insane. S5 was a glorious gift. Kept on giving. Also if you’re needing a post 5x19 fic. D wrote an excellent one I highly recommend.

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Side notes -non Chenford

Lucy is so excited when she runs up to Harper at the station. Ready to sign up for the detectives exams. Telling Nyla she’s ready for this test. Harper is beaming saying she has no doubt. Then Smitty comes up and ruins everything. Saying one of the defective have out it out for her. We knew the 5 player trade could bite her… and it looks like it has Primm found out and isn’t happy about it. Be interesting to see how this will develop on s6.

Aaron’s face when Lucy calls herself one of the cool kids LOL hey man she is... haha

This Ep is Sooo good reminds me why I love this show as a whole. So emotional with Celina’s SL. Makes me cry thinking about my niece and nephew. There would be scorched earth for whoever got between me and them. This was the ep really made me love Celina. I wasn’t sure at first but this changed that. Her forgiving her mom is huge. Makes me cry.

I love Lucy being a BAMF with that offender. Putting him right in his own place when he gets defensive about it being harassment. Never be over how she's come into her own as a cop.

Angela looking up air tagging her kids LOL love her I really do haha

Thank you to my amazing readers who like, comment (love these) and reblogs. You are the reason I do what I do. I shall see you all in 5x20 :)

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becauseplot · 1 year ago

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(Alright I know everyone’s got their own lore reasons as to what their qsmp characters are up to while the qsmp Brazil meetup is happening but I have this stupid crack silly fluffy headcanon(??) alternative rattling around in my brain that brings me much joy. So.)

It starts with Roier and Cellbit.

Like most others on the Island, the past couple weeks have been tough for them both. With Cellbit spending most of his time in his office at the Ordo and Roier out working tirelessly (ceaselessly) on Bobby's city, neither of them are home very much, and neither of them are sleeping very much either. When the do make it back to the castle to sleep, the other has either already left or leaves before the other can wake up beside them. Two ships passing in the night. It's awful on several levels, not just physical.

Cellbit broaches the subject first because he knows Roier won’t---neither of them can keep going like this. It's just not sustainable. They're both exhausted. It's becoming increasingly clear that the situation on the Island with the missing eggs isn't going to be improving anytime soon. (If at all; he doesn't say that, though.) Cellbit's brain needs a break, Roier's heart needs a break. They need to regroup. So Cellbit suggests that they sleep.

It's not unheard of for someone on the Island to just conk out for a few days; it's pretty commonplace, actually. (Cellbit teases Roier that he's a pro at oversleeping, and Roier calls him an asshole in three different languages.) They get everything prepared to spend a long weekend asleep, then Cellbit goes to Forever and Pac, Roier goes to Jaiden, and they explain why they're going to be MIA for a bit.

Forever, Pac, and Jaiden totally get it. In fact, they understand all too well. With everything that's been going on, being passed the fuck out for a few days doesn't sound too bad, actually...

One way or another, Roier and Cellbit end up extending an invitation to their friends, saying that there's plenty of room at the castle if they want. They could make a little get-together out of it. And all three accept. So now Forever, Pac, and Jaiden are staying over too.

But of course, Forever, Pac, and Jaiden have to tell their friends where they'll be, so Forever talks to Baghera and Bad, and Pac talks to Mike and the rest of the morning crew, and Jaiden talks to Slime and Foolish and Mouse and anyone she bumps into, really, and Cellbit and Roier see the global chat messages of other tired people on the Island bringing it up in conversation with each other, and they decide, well fuck it, and they make an announcement:

Long depression nap sleepover at the castle this weekend, everyone is invited, bring your own blankets :D

Not everyone goes, of course. Etoiles doesn't feel he can afford to nap when the codes are still prowling about, Tubbo is getting ready to set some big plans in motion, Bad is...doing whatever it is that Bad does nowadays. People have matters to attend to.

But a good chunk of the island decides it's time for a collective fuck-this-I'm-goin'-back-to-bed break. They all show up at the castle at or around the agreed upon time, bringing food to share and drinks to pass around. It's a surprisingly good time, all things considered, casual but still playful and chaotic as all gatherings on the Island tend to be.

After some shenanigans getting the furniture moved out of the way, the guests get themselves set up in the foyer and main hall downstairs, having brought whatever they need for their respective sleeping arrangements: the avians bring blankets and personal belongings for their nests; Foolish drags a massive mattress out of his inventory to accommodate his full, un-shape-shifted height; Fit has a strange, sagging semi-hammock contraption that allows him to sleep without setting his spawnpoint. Cellbit and Roier think of their bed upstairs, shrug, and get themselves situated down on the floor in the hall with everyone else with a spare mattress they find.

Everyone gets cozy. Some people (coughFelpscough) peace-out immediately. Others stay up and chat and tell stories and gossip and giggle and shush each other like little kids at...well, like little kids at a sleepover. It's fun. But one by one, those people drift off as well, and eventually, it's just Roier and Cellbit who are left awake.

As they lay there in the darkness on the twin-sized mattress they pulled out of storage, they stare up at the vaulted ceiling high above their heads, and they listen to them breathing. All of their friends breathing---sleeping, shifting, sighing. Murmuring things, names, in their sleep, dreaming dreams. Good dreams, they hope. They could all do with something good right about now. Just a little something.

Roier whispers this was a nice idea. Cellbit hums in agreement. He closes his eyes and turns and curls around his husband and drags the blanket up to their chins. Roier pulls him in, and they slot together like two puzzle pieces, not a hair's width between them. Cellbit gives Roier a soft kiss. He feels his husband smile against his lips.

Maybe things can get better. Maybe.

They sleep.

#it is late and im am sleeby and delusional and the meetup is making me feel things. anywya have whatever this is lmaoooo.#qsmp headcanons #qsmp cellbit #qsmp roier #qsmp #my writing #to be clear I don’t actually think this is what’s happening in the story rn it just makes me :))#so I guess ‘headcanon’ isn’t the right word here but i couldn’t think of anything else

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bastetwastaken · 2 years ago

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It's my birthday today, and my brain has decided that my gift will be a flare in my depression, which means I've been writing something incredibly self indulgent. But I guess you all get a treat too so it's all good. <3 <3

Here's a lil something set in the Double Exposure universe but you don't need to have read the fic to understand it. Atem is having one of those days, and Yugi is more than happy to help him.

(Not explicitly stated but themes of dealing with depression under the cut)

......................

“You don’t seem like yourself today.” Mahad said from beside him.

“Hm.” He acknowledged his friend but didn’t really feel like saying much more.

The truth was that he didn’t feel like himself either. He didn’t understand why he had to feel this way sometimes but unfortunately he was used to it. He’d been fine when he woke up beside Yugi that morning, excited when Yugi kissed him goodbye and he hurried to the car to join Mahad and start his day, content to do as he was asked on set and enjoyed himself…

Then suddenly some time after lunch his mood had taken a turn for no reason other than his brain deciding he just wasn’t going to be happy that afternoon. He only hoped that hadn’t shown in his shoot.

He sighed and pulled his hood over his head as they exited the building, trying to hide behind Mahad instead of letting people see him. Recently he’d been taking more time to talk to fans who decided to wait for him and he’d at least humour the paparazzi, but today he didn’t feel like it.

Mahad seemed to take the hint that he wasn’t in the mood for talking and remained silent…until they were in the car.

“You don’t have to talk about anything else.” Mahad started. “But just answer one question, where are you spending the night?”

He hesitated for a moment, quickly weighing up what would be best, to go to Yugis and wait for him to return home in the place he found so much comfort in or to go back to the hotel with Mahad and spend his time in a soulless room.

His hand felt for the key in his pocket that Yugi had given him only a few days ago. He hadn’t used it yet, but Yugi had told him he was welcome in his home anytime, even if he wasn’t in.

It was the one place Atem could hide from the world.

“Yugis, please.” He said quietly.

Mahad nodded and continued to drive.

Swallowing a sigh he looked out of the window, staring at nothing in particular, but taking in the city all the same as he allowed his thoughts to wander. Yugi would still be working given the time and that suited him perfectly. He’d have Yugi's wonderful home to sit quietly in for an hour at least.

He was already looking forward to snuggling into Yugi's sofa with the overstuffed soft cushions, pulling the fuzzy blanket he always kept folded on the back of the sofa over him and just being surrounded by Yugi until he felt better.

Maybe he’d even get a quick shower too, he had some clothes at Yugis which he could change into and Yugi had told him he was welcome to do as he pleased when at his so he doubted he’d mind Atem helping himself to a shower.

Tears stung his eyes and he fought the urge to scream because he didn’t even know why. There was nothing that had upset him today, the date held no significance, people had been nothing but kind to him but still…he wanted to curl up into a ball and cry anyway.

Days like these came more often than he’d ever admit yet he was still to find a way to deal with them now he couldn’t drown his sorrows and ignore his feelings…

He didn’t realise where they were until the car stopped, then he recognised the house they were parked outside and he felt relieved to know that he didn’t have to be outside any longer, didn’t have to be in public.

“I’ll pick you up tomorrow unless you let me know otherwise.” Mahad said softly. “Call me if you need anything.”

“Thank you.” He nodded, then jumped out of the car, pulling the key out of his pocket and making his way to Yugi's front door.

The Kuriboh charm hanging on the key smiled up at him as he turned the lock and despite how he was feeling, the little charm made him smile because it was just so…Yugi.

He closed the door softly behind him and then leaned forward, his palms flat against the surface and his forehead pressed to the smooth wood.

For a moment he just breathed.

In…out, slow and deep and he felt himself relax gradually. He felt the pressure of the day fall from his shoulders and he leaned heavily against the door, feeling as if he could finally drop the act, there were no expectations on him now, no need to fake smiles.

He was home now, he could just…be.

“Welcome home.” Yugi's voice startled him and he jumped upright, blinking rapidly to try to fight back the tears which threatened to fall as he turned to face his boyfriend.

“I’m sorry.” He said quickly. “I thought you were working…I would have knocked if-”

“It’s okay.” Yugi smiled at him and he so desperately wished he could find it in himself to return it easily but he felt his own smile was forced, he knew it didn’t quite reach his eyes and he could tell Yugi knew something was up. “I gave you that key for you to use anytime.”

He nodded, bending to take off his boots as Yugi moved over to him slowly. He took his time with the laces, not wanting to face Yugi just yet.

Of course he loved his boyfriend, of course he was glad to see him but he just…didn’t want to have to talk to anyone. Deep down he knew it would probably help, but he just couldn’t bring himself to speak right now.

Yugi never judged him, aside from Mahad, Yugi was the one person that he could allow himself to be vulnerable in front of, the one person who he didn’t mind losing himself around because he knew that no matter how far he fell, Yugi would bring him back.

Still though, he tried to keep most of it to himself. Old habits die hard and he’d been hiding his feelings for way too long now to simply…stop doing it.

He had long finished with his boots but he remained on the floor, trying to talk himself down before daring to look back up.

A gentle hand on his knee was the first thing that alerted him to the fact Yugi had joined him on the floor, he glanced up at him, then looked back down at the wood floor, following the grain with his eyes, not trusting himself to look at his boyfriend just yet.

“You don’t have to speak.” Yugi said quietly. “But I’m here.”

He nodded.

“It’s not…” He sighed. “It’s silly.”

“No.” Yugi's hand moved to take one of his, pulling it away from his boot and intertwining their fingers together. “What’s silly is that you thought you had to go through this alone.”

He looked at their joined hands, biting his lip as he tried to think of something to say. Nothing came to mind though.

“You trust me, right?” Yugi asked softly, his other hand coming to rest against his cheek, thumb brushing against his skin slowly as his face was gently lifted until he was looking at Yugi.

“Yes.” He said. Yugi gave him a small smile.

“Nothing I say can make what you’re feeling go away, but perhaps I can help make it a little better…Come with me.” Yugi said.

He nodded and let Yugi pull him to his feet, let him lead them back to the bedroom and felt the excitement stir in his stomach, but shook it off when Yugi walked past the bed and opened one of the drawers Atem kept some of his own clothes in too.

“Get comfortable.” Yugi said, handing him the only pair of sweatpants he owned and an oversized t-shirt. He took them, clutching them to his chest as he nodded, then Yugi reached out to place a hand against his cheek again, smiling at him. “When you’re ready come find me, I’ll be making tea.”

He leaned into Yugi’s touch, already feeling a little better having his boyfriend so close to him. When he stepped back Yugi gave him another sweet smile then he turned and left the room.

He stood there for a moment longer, hugging the soft clothes that smelled of Yugi to his chest and trying not to let himself go just yet, trying not to give into the way he wanted to just crumble to the floor, curl up on himself and cry until he couldn’t anymore.

Slowly he placed the clothes on the bed and he began to change. Shedding the clothes he’d spent all day in made him feel a little better, less restricted, less…judged.

Once he was fully changed, he felt a little lighter. He left the bedroom and walked toward the kitchen, Yugi looked over his shoulder and smiled at him when he walked in, then beckoned him over to the counter where he was standing.

Yugi held out an arm and he accepted the hint gladly, leaning against his boyfriends side and sighing happily when he was pulled into a tight hug. He smiled as he watched Yugi finish their drinks and this time it felt a little more natural on his face.

They didn’t remain there for long, Yugi nudged him gently and he moved away enough to let his boyfriend turn to face him.

Yugi joined their hands and looked into his eyes for a moment, a soft smile on his face.

“You know, you don’t have to be so brave when you’re with me.” Yugi told him.

He looked back into those beautiful eyes so full of patience and love, the eyes which had never judged him, never expected him to be anything more than he was, never wanted more from him than he was willing to give…and he broke.

The tears fell quickly, his shoulders shook and he took a shaky breath. He was pulled back into Yugi's arms immediately and he crumbled further. He leaned heavily against Yugi, forcing his boyfriend to lean back against the counter to hold them both up, but feeling Yugi's arms around him, hearing his soft words in his ear and having hands run slowly over his back was all the comfort he needed.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, pressing his face to Yugi's neck. “I don’t even know what’s wrong with me.”

“Atem, it’s okay.” Yugi said softly. “Nothing is wrong with you, it’s just one of those days, but I’m here for you. Let me love you.”

“I’ll try.” He sighed, his tears had stopped, but he remained hidden in Yugi's arms, safe from the world.

“You’re such a wonderful person.” Yugi said, hands running down his back slowly. “You always make me feel so good…I wish you’d treat yourself the same way you treat me.”

“I’m trying.” He said, hands tightening on Yugi’s shirt and holding him closer.

It wasn’t the first time Yugi had said something like that to him and it probably wouldn’t be the last, and he really was trying, but years of self hatred didn’t just disappear overnight and Yugi knew that.

“I know, and you’re doing amazing.” Yugi said softly, Atem felt his lips against his temple, a soft kiss followed even softer words. “Now, I’ll happily hold you for as long as you need me to, but we should move to the sofa instead of standing here in the kitchen.”

He nodded, Yugi was right, it couldn’t be comfortable for him to stand here with his back against the counter, Atems weight crushing him against the hard surface.

“I might take that offer for the rest of the night.” He said with a quiet laugh.

“Oh no, what a shame.” Yugi said sarcastically. “I’ll be stuck under a gorgeous model for the rest of the night, I really hate my life.”

The words made him giggle and Yugi laughed softly too.

“I’d hate to make you suffer.” He teased.

“Hm.” Yugi slid a hand up to his face to cup his cheek again. “It’s nothing I can’t handle. So take a cup and we can get comfortable.”

Reluctantly he forced himself out of his boyfriend's arms and picked up one of the two mugs Yugi had been filling when he joined him, walking to the living room and settling down on one half of the sofa.

Yugi took a seat next to him, holding an arm out to him as he leaned back into the cushions. He was all too happy to fall back into Yugi’s warm embrace.

Whilst they sipped their drinks, Yugi put one of Atems favourite movies on and held him close, he never spoke, didn’t try to force Atem to tell him anything and never asked him to do anything more than he was in that moment.

It was just what he needed.

As much as he had intended on dealing with his feelings by crying in the shower for a while then sitting in complete silence alone, he was glad Yugi had been home and that he didn’t have to spend time alone with his thoughts.

Once his cup was empty he shifted to lay down, Yugi moved with him and wrapped his arms around him, laughing as Atem buried his head under his chin.

“I’m glad you were home.” He said quietly.

“My late meeting was cancelled, so I decided to do the rest of my shift from home.” Yugi told him. “I’m glad I could be here for you.”

“Today has been tough.” He said after a moment of silence.

“I understand.” Yugi said, a hand ran through his hair and soothed his thoughts. “It’s not easy, but you made it through the day, and for that, I am so proud of you. Now though, you don’t need to be anything, you don’t need to do anything, just stay here with me.”

Those words made him blush and he hid his face in Yugi's neck, smiling to himself.

“Thank you.” He murmured.

“Is there anything you’d like to talk about?” Yugi pressed gently.

“There’s nothing to say.” He said honestly. “My mind is just…” He trailed off, not sure how to finish that sentence.

“I understand.” Yugi told him, sliding his fingers through his hair again. “If there’s anything you need, or anything I can do for you, just let me know.”

“I will.” He said, a content sigh left his lips when Yugi began running his hands slowly down his back, fingers slowly trailing down his spine and then back up, slipping into his hair before repeating the path again.

He felt himself relaxing further into Yugi, enjoying the way that their bodies fit together, how easily he melted into Yugi's embrace, the way Yugi’s touches made him feel even though they were only small.

His eyes closed and his breathing began to slow a little, but he fought to stay awake, they should get up soon and make some dinner or order something or-

“You can go to sleep, I don’t mind.” Yugi said quietly, lips against his temple and a hand running slowly through his hair again. “I won’t leave you.”

“Promise?” He asked although he knew the answer.

“I promise.” Yugi said, kissing his head softly. “I’ll never leave you.”

“I love you.” He whispered, closing his eyes and resting his head against Yugi's shoulder, placing a soft kiss to the collar bone exposed to him.

“And I love you.” Yugi replied, his voice so soft, Atem barely heard it. “More than anything on this earth.”

He sighed happily and melted into Yugi’s arms even more, breathing in the scent of Yugi’s skin and his home, feeling safe, warm and content to remain here for the rest of the night.

...................

If you wanna read the (complete) fic along with some amazing artwork in which these two idiots fall in love, check it out here on Ao3

#puzzleshipping #atem #yugi mutou #model au #journalist au #another stupid cliche thing from the mind of Bastet #fanfic #ygo dm #i just want a hug

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copperbadge · 2 years ago

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Apologies if you’ve answered this before, but since you’re such a prolific writer, I am curious: how do you find/make time to write?

Sometimes, between work; cleaning/shopping/cooking/self-care to continue functioning; and time for other hobbies, I feel like it doesn’t get the attention I want to give to it. Thank you!

Oh, I've probably answered it before but if so I don't remember when or what I said :D I think it's a combination of things, some of which are within my control, some of which are not.

For a start, it really depends on how you write. I write in chunks, and I tend to write pretty continuously when I'm at it, there's not a lot of "blankly staring at the page" that some writers have to deal with. I am either Writing or Doing Other Things. I also have a fairly fast typing speed -- last time I tested I was in the 120 wpm range, and given I spent two years doing audio transcription I'm probably faster now. So I can get the words on the page basically as fast as I think, unless I'm on a phone, but even then I'm pretty fast. A significant chunk of Infinite Jes was written on my phone, mainly because while writing it I sometimes didn't have convenient access to a computer.

I'm fortunate in that I have a job that doesn't really take up eight hours of my day, so if I want to stop what I'm doing and spend an hour writing, I generally can. I specifically have tried to take jobs that allow this and avoid jobs that don't, but I grant that's a privilege of being a college-educated white dude. I've worked retail, but I've also often been able to avoid it in favor of jobs where I'm not constantly public-facing and can huddle behind a computer doing god knows what (it's a joy to have a job where nobody really understand what it is you do).

You say I'm pretty prolific, and this year that has been true -- I wrote around 300K words. However, in 2021 I did very little writing at all, and in 2020 I think the only real work I did was on Six Harvests, which is less than 100K words. I didn't post a single fanfic in 2021, which shocked me when I realized it. I'd have to do some data vis to confirm this, but I suspect there was a curve to my output across my 20s and 30s -- I know that I wrote less, even if it was perhaps better quality, as my career began to take off. Work, depending on the kind, does take brain power, or physical energy, or both, from what we'd rather be doing. It can also stimulate it, but realistically that's not super common. So I wouldn't beat yourself up about giving time to work and self-care; those are necessary, and I take more time from writing to give to those as I get older.

I think also as you get older you figure out your rhythms. I am capable of much more physical activity in the morning, and I'm capable of writing pretty much anytime, so I tend to do physical things -- working out, cooking, cleaning -- earlier in the day, then "go to" work, then write in the evenings whether or not I got any writing in during the day. I cook in bulk, so I'm rarely "cooking" more than one meal a day, just reheating stuff I cooked earlier.

Working remotely has absolutely been what allowed me to write so much this year -- and not even the time gained back from commuting, because my commute was short, not quite an hour round trip. But I'm not trapped "at" work -- I can do chores during the day, fuck off and write, even take a nap if I desire, in a way that I couldn't when I was in slightly uncomfortable business-casual and stuck in a cubicle from eight to four-thirty. I could do pretty much what I wanted in the cubicle in terms of reading tumblr, writing, researching, et cetera, but when you're confined to a physical space where you're not super comfortable and sharing it with thirty other people, it's not as conductive to writing.

And like. Also I'm a hermit who lives alone and very rarely goes out.

I don't have a partner or children, I don't have family nearby, I have very few responsibilities and don't belong to social clubs or nonprofit boards or religious groups the way many of my colleagues and friends do. I have a circle of brickspace friends who are fairly tightly knit at this point, but we don't do a lot of like, weekly-brunch or friday-night-drinks or anything like that. I am finding it much, much, so much easier to go to parties and social events now that I'm properly medicated, because I don't feel like I'll be punished by my own brain afterward, but we're also still in the grip of a pandemic, and while we are socializing, it's still pretty constricted. Over Thanksgiving I had two events in two days and loved going to both but by Saturday I was exhausted and happy to stay home.

When the quarantine began, a lot of people found themselves "trapped" at home and very bored, and while I empathized I was also quite confused because my outside-of-work life didn't materially change. How often were these people going out? What were they doing? In a regular year I was home at least six nights a week if not all seven. I go to bed at eight o'clock most nights, by choice. I love my friends and I'm generally happy to hang with them but I don't have a driving need to go out and be with friends and certainly not with strangers more than about twice a month.

So yeah, I wish I could say it's a matter of Making Time To Write or some secret time management trick but the truth is, my prolific output (such as it is; it varies wildly) is a result of a really good job for Fucking Off To Write, not many other obligations, and an obsessive personality. :D There are ways you can adjust your life to give you time for creativity in whatever form that comes, but that's got to be personal to you -- learning your rhythms, learning how to manage your other responsibilities, maybe letting go of some things to give yourself more time for what's important. But it's got to be you looking at your life and making adjustments, there's no single solution to the problem.

#writing #creativity #sam has adhd

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tokuteasings · 2 years ago

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Dating - Ian Yorkland

Dedicated to Ghost Wife~! Wherever you are, hun, I hope you enjoy!!

Warnings: It’s literally been 60 years since I watched them but I did my best~! I miss Ian so much man.

Ian is the definition of a loyal partner. A man who you can take home to your parents and have him charm the ever living pants off of them. He’s the kind of partner who will not hesitate to show up to your workplace with not only food, but whatever essentials you needed for the day, or just shows up for the fun of it because he missed you – and brought along a bouquet of flowers because he thought of you! He’s rather spontaneous in this aspect and in a way, you two almost never leave the honeymoon phase at all! He keeps this love alive, for as long as it can go. After all, with the line of work he is in and how fate works…no one knows exactly when either of you two will kick the bucket; Ian knows this well so he wants to ensure that every single little moment he spends with you is positive.

In fact…it’s was a strange transition from friendship to lovers. You two were such in a comfortable state and it was obvious that Ian was flirting with you. However, there was this…little line that wasn’t going to be crossed anytime soon unless one of you made that leap. Unsurprisingly, it was Ian. You had noticed he wasn’t flirting as much anymore, or not at all, actually. He had lavished his affections upon you with gifts, words, and even finger kisses. You had to work up the confidence to ask if he was serious and he gives you this soft smile you haven’t seen out of him, his eyes sparkling with this sort of electric energy as he whispers to you, “All I’ve wanted was to have you as my partner.” in this honest and earnest voice, nervousness twinged at the edges. He’s hesitant to have let you known but he hasn’t felt like this in years now. He’ll be hurt if you didn’t accept his feelings but would take it with grace. But when you confirmed that you liked it him, Ian had to stop himself from celebrating with the loudest cheer right then and there! Instead, he merely takes your hand into his, runs his thumb over your knuckles and presses a kiss to them with a wink of his eye. “Then I’ll see you tonight?”

He never forgets to tell you that he loves you. Verbally, physically, through gestures…to someone like Ian, he shows love in multitudes of fashions. Ian’s primary love languages are: verbal, physical touch, acts of service, gifts, and quality time. He’s proud of each and every crumble of affection he gives you and will not hesitate do to so in public. However, Ian has these sort of moments of sheer quietness as he thinks of what to say. He’s careful of his words when it comes to you, and it’s not a stifling quietness, but you know that he’s somewhere deep within his thoughts and needs something to help bring him out of them. But it’s during these hella quiet moments when he whispers you the most...saccharine things. Whispers of how much he loves you, mushy things. Ian always holds you close (hand or cuddling) whenever he does this. It’s like he never wants to let this go...and he won’t.

Ian is a loyal man and knows you won’t cheat on him or anything but he’s also not a jealous kind of person either. If anything, he’s pouty. He’ll dramatically talk off whoever’s ear is closest (Souji or Nossan) and complain, “Oh! My darling doesn’t love me anymore~!” and fake sob into their arms. Nossan gently has to pat his back and make him stop while Souji is just rolling his eyes and wants out. But there is no doubt that Ian is beyond clingy. He wants to cherish you until the sun dies and he is going to fucking do it. So expect him to send you constant texts about how much he misses you or the other Kyoryugers texting you to save them from Ian.

Ian adores giving you nicknames! His faves are, “my treasure” “my darling” “my honey” and so on and so forth. He tends to make them up as he goes along and has a shit ton of them stored within that brain of his. The moments when he whispers them into your ear when you two are alone are perhaps...the best. He’s drawling out his English as he runs his hand up your leg and into your awaiting hand and kissing the knuckles with a gentle smile to his lips. It’s a simple set of nicknames with so much love poured inside and it makes you m e l t

Marriage is a goal for Ian but it’s also not a goal at the same time. There’s really no rush to head into it but there is this sort of mental image to Ian’s head about making you his and his alone. He will honestly wait for a couple of years, five or so, to pop the question. He’s nervous and you can tell because he took so much time to figure out the ring and how to propose. But he wants a family, he wants to settle down with you and share surnames and just exist in a space that exists for only the two for you and the two of you alone. Ian will wait for you once you’re ready but trust me when I say that marriage is going to be bliss for you two. If you two decide to have kids, Ian is the most dotting parent you have ever seen. It’s slightly overprotective but it’s more so that he wants his kiddos to be raised in a happy and healthy environment.

Arguments aren’t often but they do exist. They’re not heated but Ian wants to tell you his thoughts and will listen to yours. He wants to find solutions for this and if he’s getting angry, he tends to go off on his own to cool down. This rarely happens though and Ian normally wants to confront the problem right away. He’ll gently talk to you about it, having this sense of calm and wants to have this end in a way for all parties to walk away satisfied. He doesn’t half ass things and Ian rarely gets upset with anything. So these are pretty short and solved rather quickly.

PDA Monster. This fucker legit cannot keep his hands off of you and you know it. He’s always going to be holding your hands somehow, pressing a kiss to your knuckles and smirking at your flushed face. He loves wrapping his arms around you and kisses in public are also rather often. He tends to give you random surprise hugs and kisses outta nowhere and honestly it’s some of the best because his love had boiled and simmered until they reached a point where he cannot hide them! He has to hug you! Kiss you! He’s clingy as hell and will just fucking show up to your work just to get some free kisses. His favorite kisses to do in public are knuckle and finger kisses, because he’s such a tactile person, he has to show love to his other favorite method of affection - physical touch.

Ian’s dates are fifty-fifty, not in a bad way but more so you two take turns on deciding what kind of things to do today. He’s just as happy to do indoor dates as outdoor dates. More often than not though, Ian will pick a date where the two of you will have fun. He tends to pick food places that you both like and will just spend the date feeding you! If he had to pick a date place that he wants, he would probably pick some sort of museum or botanical garden. You two can walk and talk, discuss the finer things in life and enjoy some quiet time together. He’ll probably say some cheesy as hell things like, “This piece of art is beautiful but not as beautiful as you.”

Dating Ian is a dream in itself. He always tends to end dates with a gentle kiss on the lips while holding your hand and then kisses the back of your hand. He’s the partner that wakes you up at 3am in the morning just to go star watching or comes by in the most ungodly hours of the day because he heard you were sick and made you soup. Ian is just someone who was probably made to be your soulmate and there is no other way around it or about it. But to be honest, the day he finds out that he wants to marry you is when you did something that clicked in his head. A lazy morning where he is reading a book and you’re on your phone, you let out a silly little laugh at a post and he glances over at you with this knowing smile and already is making plans to propose. But then he’ll reach over and kiss you, gentle, and whisper, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” and it’s probably a proposal in itself but...you wouldn’t have it any other way.

#super sentai #super sentai x reader #super sentai imagine #kyoryuger #zyuden sentai kyoryuger #ian yorkland #TOOK 50 YEARS TO WRITE BUT FUCK IT ITS HERE NOW #also i miss utchy so bad yall i miss my samurai man

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talltoontales · 6 months ago

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Don't Tapping the Glass!

Prompt: ANGER

Prompt by: Me

Started Writing: 05/31/2024

[WARNING: Heavy Feelings]

|| || || || || || || || || ||

Another one of those days.

I pull into the driveway after another long day at my minimum-wage job. Stuff left unfinished, customers & co-workers left pissed, and so many more problems left to solve.

“Put it behind you.” “Leave work at work.”

If I could, I would have by now, but…I dunno. I’m just not built like that. I pull out my phone and open up the manager's group chat. Where I spend the next thirty minutes texting, reliving the horribly eventful day in several large text blocks. Making sure the opening crew has a chance for a better morning. I look back on my day with a microscope to make sure I didn’t overlook any missed task, irate customer, or time-consuming task. Surprise! Surprise! This doesn’t make me feel any better.

You’d think after I’d send the text it would be over, heh. Nope, now I have to look at tomorrow and plan for all the problems that it’ll bring. I end up just slumped in my car, going through all of the worst possible futures and how to prevent them.

“Why do you work so hard for a terrible job?” “They don’t deserve real estate in your head.”

On my better days, I’d joke, saying something like, “I gotta switch, not a dial. It’s either one hundred percent or zero.” But I haven’t had too many “better” days for a while now. In all honesty, when I go to work, I go to work, I feel bad getting paid to just stand around and do nothing, even if I barely get paid. Plus, my associates deserve at least one good boss or one who tries to be good. I finally drag myself out of my car and make my way to the front door.

-Doctor’s appointments, car payments, school, family, friends (or lack thereof), groceries-

It’s amazing how, in the span of just under a minute, the human mind can speed-run through all of my problems, worries, and frustrations.

I get to the dimly lit front door, and I just stare at it.

-Laundry, cooking, dishes, self-care, all those shows I wanted to watch, reading, writing, having a proper sleep schedule-

Just more problems that other people don’t see as problems. I go inside, hang up my keys, grab another canned meal, and eat while watching a video on my phone—until I get a call from my mom.

Give her credit, she knows her son. Always calling just to make sure I’m ok, and like always, I lie and say I’m fine. She knows I’m lying, but what can she do? She talks about her day, and my brain does its job.

-She’s overworking herself, family problems, dad in his own world…again. I should spend more time with them-

The call never lasts too long unless I make it, and I never do. I can’t, I have to be back at work soon.

Teeth brushed, face washed, don’t smell, time for…lying awake in silence and being left alone with my thoughts.

// // // // // // // // // //

I don’t know, or I can’t really remember the last time I was happy. Like I said, I had better days, and I’ll probably have better days in the future, but I want to be happy. I don’t want to feel like I have to survive the next day, and I don’t want to see just all the problems I can't fix. I think back through my life, trying to find where I went wrong.

Maybe it wasn’t my fault, maybe I could have fixed it, had a better life, a life that would have made me happy. A life where I could deal with my problems like a functioning adult. A life where I don’t feel alone even in a room full of people who love me and want me to succeed.

But I know there’s nothing I can do now, just like there was nothing I could have done then. All I’m doing is fixing problems that were never meant to be fixed. Then why am I doing it? Why do I keep going through life, past, present, and future, looking for problems? Why do I keep doing this to myself?

\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\

For the past few years, anytime I get angry, and I mean “nearing the breaking point,” angry, I have what I can only describe as a waking dream.

I’m walking down concrete steps into a cold, dark, basement-type room. Once I reach the bottom, a light turns on revealing a glass wall splitting the room in half. On the other side of the wall, is dim light. The other side of the room is covered in shredded paper with writing on it, the walls have deep scratches in them, and the glass is covered in smudges as if someone was wiping their hands against it.

There’s no one on the other side of the glass, no doors or windows to enter or escape from, just me. I look along the glass, seeing cracks in the wall where it meets the glass. I put a hand on the glass, it feels hot. Not enough to be painful but far from comfortable. I look closer at the paper on the ground, and some of it looks scrunched up like it was covered in water at some point. Both lights flicker off for a second. Once they’re back on, the smudges on the glass move, now looking like someone was dragging their hand towards me.

It doesn’t take a genius to know what’s behind the glass or what IT wants. It doesn’t care whose fault it is or why I’m here, it just wants to be free to do its job. But it knows I won’t let it. it knows that I fear what it could become if I let it out. I felt the glass push against my hand as if pressure was building on the other side, but it doesn’t phase me. As I walk away, I hear frantic thumping as it wails on the glass. Once, I get to the stairs I turn around for one last look, and scratched into the walls hundreds of times over is the same word:

!!!YELL!!!

It’s not a threat or an order. It’s a plea. It took me years and one mental breakdown to understand what I’ve done and what I still do to this day. Maybe I should give myself more credit. Maybe it would be okay if only for a while. Maybe it was always my fault I felt this way. But then, what would happen to me if I let it out? Could I forgive myself for what I’ve done?

...

I walk up the stairs. The banging continues but fades as I leave, only the faint sound of crying can be heard as I reach the final steps. At the end of all of that, I wake up. I don’t feel better, I just feel numb, but it’s better than walking around angry.

. . . . . . . . . .

Hey... So, peek behind the curtain time. If you haven't guessed, I'm not in the best place emotionally. If it helps, I'm not as bad as I used to be. So, progress! I've never felt in control of my life, and what little I do have control over never feels like it matters. Some days I just feel like I'm just floating through life, never making an impact on anyone or anything. Does wonders for my self-worth. And before anyone says anything, I know packing that stuff down is not even slightly healthy for me, but I've just never felt like I was in a safe enough space to unpack any of it. But I wanted to try anyway. so I wrote this. Didn't feel great putting my emotional baggage out on the curb for anyone to look at, but...I'm just tired of all of this just being in my head.

Aaaaaaaaanyway, Thanks for reading, and I hope you...enjoyed the story. If you have any comments, critiques, or criticisms, please don't be afraid to let me hear 'em (as long as they're constructive). Also, if you have some spare time, check out my blog for more stories like the one above. Stay safe, drink plenty of water, and, now more than ever, be kind to yourself and others. We all could use more kindness in the world. See you next time.

#serious post #writeblr #nonfiction #depressing shit #i'm sorry #What a fun way to end May #writing #writerscommunity #writing blog #depresion #therapy #anger issues #writers on tumblr #guilt #writing community #writers #creative writing #writer community

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mercyluvsyouuu · 8 months ago

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Little wip of something I wrote and never finished/edited because I'm lazy. Just me working our my feelings about death or whateva read it or don't It doesn't matter much

"Are you sure you really want to go through with this? You can say no at anytime, y'know." Asked the hitman.

"There's not much left for me here, in all honesty." Replied the girl, "have you never had someone pay you to kill them?"

"No, I haven't actually. It's always a politician or some shady big shot. Never anything like this."

"Huh. That sounds just riveting.." she laughed and laid back into the grass. "Why don't we make it something special, then?"

"What do you mean?"

"Let's make a day out of it. The day is still young, yet. How about we spend the last few hours of my life having fun? We can talk, visit my favorite places around town, and so on."

"..."

She laughed again, stretching out into the grass. "What, you scared you're gonna get attached?"

"... a little."

She sat up, smiling at him with such a juvenile expression. So young and already wants to be dead.. bleak. He thought.

"Well how about this? If you can convince me not to go through with it, then you won't have to live with that on your conscious! You'll make a friend out of what was supposed to be a corpse. Sound like fun?"

"You're putting a lot on my shoulders, kid.."

"As if you literally don't kill people for a living.."

"Touchè."

She stood up, reaching her hand out to the man.

"Well?"

"This is probably the weirdest job I've had to date.. well, I'm already here. Take me away, living dead girl."

She took his hand and they walked out of the field. What was going to be a graveyard now blooms flowers, instead.

"...why did you choose this place, of a places? They would've found your body quite fast, no?"

"That was never a problem to me. I would've been happy to spend my last moments here! The grass is soft and maybe I'd be able to give back before they found me and either burned me to ashes or buried me with dozens of other people."

"Give back?"

"Oh, C'mon, surely you know how The circle of life works. A creature is born from the decay of another. That's how it's always been. I would've been happy to give back to the only mother I've ever known."

"...huh. guess I never thought about it like that."

"Of course you haven't.."

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"Haha! Don't take that the wrong way! It's just.. I'd imagine such a.. tender way of thinking would be bad for business. There's no time to think about the beauty of death if you're the one causing it, no? Or maybe that's the only thing there's time to think about.. depends on who you ask, I suppose."

"...ah. I suppose you're right. I never really did think about what I was doing. Everyone that I've worked with said it was bad for the brain. I believed them and you're starting to prove their point."

"How so?"

"Well, when I'm given a job, it's best to stop thinking about that person as a.. person. They are a target with a name, any other way of thinking will kill you before it kills them."

"Makes sense. So you lot aren't just mindless monsters, are ya?"

"..."

"..bad joke, huh?"

"Yeah."

"Sorry.."

"Eh, I suppose it's been worse."

"I can't tell if thats a good thing or not..."

"Well, it's good for you. Me? Not so much."

"W—why don't we just get out of here?"

"Probably for the best."

...........................................................

"Where are you even taking me?"

"Have you seriously never spent any time in this town? Just up the road there's a little pawn shop I frequent. The people there know me. They even let me help out down there sometimes!"

"Seems like a lot to lose.."

"Eh, I guess you could say that."

"You're not denying it?"

"Of course not! I know what it means to die, my friend."

"Then why do you want to so bad? You payed quite a pretty penny up front..."

"..."

"Don't wanna talk about it?"

"No, no, it's not that.. I just—how do i explain.."

"Take your time."

"I'm... bored, I guess?"

"You're.. bored of living?"

"Yeah, sorta."

"...what else is there to do?"

"Well, I can die, for one."

"I hardly imagine that's any fun!"

"Have you died before, Mr. Grim Reaper?"

"...no. I haven't. And don't call me that."

"Exactly! So who knows?"

"That's fair.. but what about your buds at the pawn shop? Are they boring to you?"

"Not really, no.."

"Then why leave them behind?"

"...Because there will be more after me."

"More what?"

"More friends for them to make. More jokes to be told, more moments to spend before it all ends."

"...so you're saying you're replaceable?"

"That's a.. flat way of putting it, but yeah, I guess that's exactly what I mean. But everyone is, in my opinion—when someone dies there will be someone else to take their place. There's billions of us, it's the circle of life."

"You're wrong."

"How so?"

"No one is replaceable. Just because there's so many of us doesn't mean we're all the same—you find something new in every person you meet, and sometimes those things just can't be replicated by anyone else."

"...hm. I guess you're right. Such simple things like that can be blurred and forgotten about if you're stuck in one way of thinking for too long. But at the same time, it's hard to accept my importance in all this. Am I really worth all that in a sea of millions of other people? Is anyone worth that?"

"The universe wouldn't exist if it wasn't for the trillions of atoms and molecules holding it together. The ocean would be a desert if not for the billions upon billions of drops that it's made of."

"That's... rather philosophical for a contract killer."

"I have a personal life, y'know!"

"Yeah, yeah.. who would've thought you thought about such things in your free time? Do you also happen to read philosophy books and drink tea on the weekends?"

"Sometimes, actually, yes."

"Incredible.. you're really proving the whole 'every person is unique and should be cherished' point you're trying to make."

#mercy talks #my writing #spilling my guts out on tumblr dot come #THIS ISNT EVEN GOOD IDK WHAT IM POSTING THIS ..?!?!?!#anywah have fun #ITS NOT DONE and idk if itll ever get done but i promise it has a happy ending

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kyratittyfish · 2 years ago

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Anytime, Jeff

Inspired by the one word prompt "answer" Summary: Having a sentient AI as a copilot makes overworking yourself to exhaustion challenging. Note: EDI & Joker' platonic friendship's relationship is a purely platonic friendship. He's happily together with his Commander Shepard. Read on Ao3

Joker groaned as he stretched his arms, trying to loosen the knots in his sore muscles. Starting his shift four hours earlier than usual hadn’t been one of his greatest ideas, and eleven hours later his whole body was particularly keen on reminding him of why Chakwas always nagged him about moving around a bit during his breaks. Of course, he would have had to actually take breaks for that to happen. Which he didn’t. Outplayed you, mom.

“Are you alright, Jeff?” EDI asked him. It still felt strange to hear her voice coming from the copilot seat rather than from her console hologram, but he was getting used to it. Especially since she loved to exploit her newfound mobility to wander around the ship, often returning to her post with a warm cup of coffee for him.

“Yeah EDI, just peachy.”

“Are you sure? My sensor readings indicated you are experiencing physical distress.”

Her… sensor readings? “EDI, we’ve been over this. Keeping track of people’s bodily functions is creepy as fuck.” He squinted at EDI’s mech, wondering exactly how many information she was able to collect

“I meant my optical sensors, Jeff. To put it in more colloquial terms, you look like shit.”

“Wow EDI, you sure know how to make a guy feel good,” he snorted. The AI – the woman, it was getting harder and harder not to see her as a person, and damn, one year ago that thought would have horrified him, but now it didn’t bother him at all – sure knew how to be blunt. A side effect “growing up” under his influence, most certainly.

“I meant to say, you clearly look to be in pain, and I believe the amount of consecutive hours you usually spend in a sitting position are significantly to it.”

Joker sighed and massaged his shoulder. He hated to show his physical discomfort, hated to appear vulnerable, hated to give the world a reason to see him as weak. He didn’t mind it too much with EDI, though. He wasn’t certain she could even feel pity, and if she did, she certainly didn’t show it. What she did display, in her own peculiar ways, was that she cared about him. Their friendship was certainly unusual, but he was glad to have it nonetheless.

“I’m just feeling a bit achy, that’s all,” he admitted.

She cocked her head to one side and studied his face. “Perhaps you would benefit from some rest, then. I could take the helm until your next shift begins.”

“Rest?” he cackled, “I have two more hours of looking at buttons and occasionally pressing them before I can call it a day.”

“You took the helm four hours before the official start of your work period. Considering this, I believe nobody would complain if you left earlier.”

“I suppose so…” he hummed as he considered her offer. “Are you sure you can handle it?”

He would have thought it impossible for a robot’s eyes to lit up in amusement, but somehow, EDI’s did. “Jeff, I am literally the Normandy. I would be simply piloting myself. As you would put it –” she raised her hands to accentuate her next statement with air quotes, “easy peasy lemon squeezy.”

Joker stared at her wide eyed for the couple of instants it took his overworked brain to process her answer. That was a combination of word he would have never expected to hear coming from a mech’s mouth. To be fair, up until not so long ago, anything else than “get on your knees, meatbag, and bow to your new synthetic overlords” would have fallen in the same category. How the times have changed.

“Uh, in that case...” He swiveled his seat around and pushed himself to his feet, a movement that didn’t make his sore back too happy. Ok, maybe EDI and Chakwas had a point, not that he’d ever openly admit it in front of either of them. “Just… call me if you run into trouble, alright?”

“I will,” EDI promised. “I believe the human saying is ‘enjoy your nap’.”

He snickered and limped away, heart and mind already enthralled by visions of the warm sheets and soft pillows on his bed. Shepard’s bed, technically, although he’d spent most nights sleeping in it than in his own bunk lately. “That can do. And, uh, EDI –” he added, one foot already out of the door, “Thank you.”

“Anytime, Jeff.”

#my writing #jeff joker moreau #EDI #mass effect #friendship #background Shoker #EDI's is Joker's friend #a very good friend

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electricbluebutterflies · 1 year ago

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Hellcheer + ''i don't want to force you into something you're not ready for.''

Look y'all I FINALLY did prompt-fic for these little bbys / hopefully this is the first of many (but that requires people to send me stuff AHEM). PG-ish and also on ao3.

She doesn’t know what she’s doing.

If anyone else found out, that would be a nightmare. Chrissy Cunningham, cheerleader and all-around good-girl sweetheart, internally admitting imperfection. Even after the Incident… oh, if anything spending a couple weeks in the hospital has made everyone think she’s more fragile and cute and all the things she’s starting to question, and-

Not much has changed. Everything has changed. If she’s lucky, she’ll make it work.

She’s spent more of this summer than almost anyone knows out here, in some undeveloped greenspace near the trailer park. Someone familiar with recent events might question her judgement, but… that’s exactly what she’s hiding from, hiding in the place she’s least likely to be found, hiding and-

Fine. There are a few other motivating factors here. More secrets to keep her warm.

Chrissy is currently on her back in overgrown grass, and Eddie Munson is currently tracing little patterns on a strip of skin where her shirt doesn’t quite cover her waist in this position. Ever since What Happened – always as many delicate euphemisms as possible, they are not discussing the fact that something attempted to possess her in his living room and then dropped her from the ceiling when it decided she wasn’t satisfying enough and that reaction was also a new experience for her – he’s been tactile whenever they’ve been in the same space, which is more and more often lately, and-

They’re both being so damn careful, and she’d hate it if it wasn’t so sweet.

She knows, in the silence, that they won’t do more than this if she doesn’t start it. She doesn’t quite understand the fairytale rules his brain operates on, but she knows in that world she’s some princess in a tower and-

“You could move your hand higher,” she says because she can, because it’s either speak up or wait forever.

“You sure about that?”

She turns her head for better eye contact, to glare at him a little. “Think I’d suggest it if I wasn’t?”

For this she gets… not pity, one thing she could fall in love with is he does not underestimate her even as he puts her on a pedestal, but some kind of concern all the same. “I… I don’t want to force you into something you’re not ready for.”

Chrissy laughs, and she knows that’s probably not the right reaction but too late now, and-

“I’m asking you to put your hand up my shirt, not marry me!”

She’s done more, she wants to say, checked off most of her firsts in the back of a car with a boy who wasn’t even really thinking about her, and-

“Good,” Eddie says, awkwardness put aside and she does like how adaptable he is. “If you were going to propose, I’d hope it’d be a little more romantic. You don’t exactly seem like-”

“I would like to be proposed to, someday.”

Not anytime soon, she doesn’t quite say. Lucky her, got broken up with while she was still technically in a coma, avoided the big church wedding she thinks her mom might’ve put money on in the fall and-

“I’ll keep that in mind. Someday.”

Eddie’s fingertips slip just under the hem of her shirt, still inches from anywhere possibly inappropriate, like she’s fragile but not like everyone else thinks she’s fragile, like she’s some goddess or-

He’s got good hands, she thinks. Musician’s calluses. New to her, on this patch of skin getting closer and closer to her bra, and at the same time familiar and-

“Never thought you’d be patient.”

“No idea what I’m doing,” he replies, almost a laugh, always so playful with her. “No real-world experience to back it up.”

“Really? I would’ve thought-“

“A few kisses is not the same as-“

Chrissy leans in and changes that too, and something about getting her mouth on his feels right like very little in her life ever has, like maybe she’s been thinking about this far too long but-

“That one count for something?” she asks.

He looks at her like he’s just been struck by lightning. “Yeah. It does. We do.”

#ebf writes fic #hellcheer #only took me nine months to write legit promptfic for them #unfortunately this isn't a record

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microsuedemouse · 2 years ago

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as someone who never played Hades and won’t play this new game either (because they’re extremely not my type of game - I don’t have anything against them in concept), I have only this complaint: AGAIN they have taken a figure from the mythology who doesn’t normally get a lot of attention but who does exist in one of my WIP projects, and created an interpretation of that figure popular enough that it will inevitably colour the pre-existing notions any hypothetical future reader of mine will be bringing into the story.

…or at least, that’s what I worry will happen. very likely my thoughts on this are skewed by which corners of the internet I inhabit. I’m sure lots of people out there pay no attention to these games and still won’t really know shit about Asterion or Melinoë if and when my stories ever actually see the light of day… but it’s hard not to stress when you spend years of your life working on a project and you have to watch the relevant elements in pop culture shift while your idea is still technically in its infancy. when I conceived of these characters’ roles in my stories, they were known in pop culture in one way; when that cultural perception shifts, how does that affect my storytelling?

Asterion (known as Asterius in Hades) has existed in one of my projects since like 2013, and in that timeline he was very much a victim of Theseus’ so-called heroics. it was only thanks to the love of his mother Pasiphaë and his sister Ariadne that he was able to survive. and there’s always been some love for the Minotaur (or minotaurs, as a race) in pop culture mythology and fantasy, but he entered popular consciousness as A Character in a new way thanks to Hades - and in particular a lot of folks were inspired to ship him with Theseus. which, obviously, is not a bad thing. I loved seeing how much fun everyone was having with it. but in the back of my brain wiggled this anxiety that my Asterion would no longer be able to exist the way he currently does if suddenly I were to put my stories out into the world, because he doesn’t jibe with one of the most popular contemporary interpretations of the original figure.

and Melinoë… it remains to be seen, I guess. but in a more recent project of mine - literally just from the last two years or so - she’s important to the story. she’s not technically in the story, herself, but she’s very central to it. and part of why that works, at least in said story’s current stages, is because she’s such an obscure figure. even the characters steeped in the world of the arcane and the occult don’t think of her as a possible relevant figure to what’s happening around them until they have a lot of clues, because sure, like many mythological figures, she exists in some capacity, but she’s not well-known. if there were some kind of arcane lightning problem happening, yeah, these characters would be brushing up on their Zeus and Thor knowledge, if only to cover their bases - but nightmares and ghosts don’t instantly lead them to say ‘maybe Melinoë is involved.’ and it’s hard not to worry that if she enters the popular consciousness more in the real world, her obscurity in this story may become slightly less believable to readers.

I don’t know. I’m not looking for solutions, really, nor am I shitting on Hades, which I know loads of people love. I’m glad everyone’s excited for a sequel! I guess it’s just got me thinking about that particular type of Writing Anxiety. I have so many stories in me that have been in gestational form for years, and likely will be for a long time to come. so it’s hard not to worry anytime something in pop culture potentially poses a threat to how those stories will be received or understood. it’s like when a new book/movie/etc comes out that feels like it might be too close to something you’ve wanted to make for ages: what then? what do you do with this thing that lives inside you, now that it’s incompatible or redundant with the media landscape that will not wait for you to catch up?

being a storyteller is hard for a lot of reasons. I want my stories to resonate with others the way they resonate with me, but you can’t control what else is out there to affect how your work is seen. I guess you just gotta keep writing and hope you’ll hit the right note.

#personal #writing

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blankticket · 6 months ago

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🚿 = Do the mun and muse have any bathing routines? Any habits like singing in the shower? 💫 = How does either mun or muse handle being sick? Do they need someone to take care of them, or are they capable of taking care of themselves just fine? 🍎 = What do the mun and muse like to eat for a snack?

🚿 = Do the mun and muse have any bathing routines? Any habits like singing in the shower?

i don't think i do anything outside of the ordinary? i take my showers as hot as it can go, think really hard about things, scrub as hard as i can… though i don't think i've had like a bath since i was little. i'll put on music on my phone if i know i'm alone, usually a mix so that i can tell how much time i've spent without having to check a clock or touch a screen (which is something i also do for other things like swimming)

vash has an aversion to baths and also only takes showers. cold ones in the morning if there's any helping that. he takes his prosthetic entirely off for showers and bedtime (even though he's shown to have it on while sleeping in the show, i feel like it's for convenience's sake in storytelling and in repairs); he sets aside time in cleaning and maintaining it. he tends to hum a lot more than he sings.

💫 = How does either mun or muse handle being sick? Do they need someone to take care of them, or are they capable of taking care of themselves just fine?

i haven't been sick in a long while, i don't know if i'd handle it the same now… when i have to recover from a covid booster shot, if i have enough energy i do what i can to manage the symptoms on my own and strictly minimize my exposure to others. i don't like bothering anyone or letting anyone try to help. i've been really sick before (see: incident where anime almost killed me and likely caused me some brain damage) but i didn't want to go to the ER about it, so i didn't. if it happened again i still probably wouldn't wanna go. i lived anyway :p

i can kinda see stamps being similar in that, but i feel like he wouldn't mind being treated to being taken care of, although he will be very annoying about 'paying it back' twicefold even if there's nothing expected from him in return in being helped. he'd build up a lot of self-hate and seeing himself as a burden, etc. if he's being helped, though. while he's grateful about his trigun maximum counterpart & maximum wolfwood housing him and helping him recover from his giant challenge, he's probably holding that against himself forever. getting sick is like a smaller rendition of that. though i guess things will add up

🍎 = What do the mun and muse like to eat for a snack?

i have the tastebuds of a dog i'll eat almost anything anytime. pistachios are one of the only nuts i'm not allergic to, and it's also my favorite all-time fictional character's favorite snack, i like them a lot. it's fun to shell them and sort it in paper cups while watching something just to have my hands working at something. if we have chocolate in some form like a bar or kisses or whatnot i'll eat em in tandem with the stachios

vash is probably even less picky than me i think. though, the more time he spends in spirale the less meat he's eating. he likes oranges especially—it's fun to peel them, easy to share slices, and it makes him think abt the orange juice he's had to drink aboard ship five (shoutout studio orange lol). and of course there's wendy cope's legendary poem The Orange; i feel its tenderness about life resonates much with vash's hope and appreciation for peaceful living

#out of character.#answered asks.#headcanon.#punisheye #thanks so much! this was nice to answer at the end of my day

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nanalations · 8 months ago

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I dont know what exactly makes me want to write this letter to you. Maybe it's because of all our little talks. I know they are hard for you (and for me too) but thank you for having them with me. I know things are scary and confusing for you right now. But after our walk on Saturday you said something that made me feel so reassured. Maybe I am latching onto it, but regardless it's floating around in my head.

Throughout our conversation, as much as I do genuinely believe you and I work together, I kept thinking to myself that one phrase: "If you love them, let them go." I had the thought, that as much as it would hurt, maybe I should let you go. And that if it was really meant to be, you'd find me again at the right time. I worried I was holding you back. And then you told me you didn't know what you'd do without me.

Maybe it wasn't as big of a deal for you to say as it was for me to hear, but it was reassurance. And it got me thinking. I don't know what I'd do without you either. My whole life, I have let things go, detached, run away with ease and out of fear. And maybe it's because everything up until this point has been undeserving of my presence and effort, but for the first time in my life I have encountered something that IS deserving and it's you. I'm not afraid anymore; you give me strength. I have not and will not detach myself from you. I have left behind and let go of everything. But not you. Never you.

You are the first thing in a while to make me question my stubborn atheism. I am headstrong and spiteful until you stand in front of me and I decide that there must be a heaven, and a God who sat in it and decided to send you to me. Sometimes I look down at my hands. I decide that when I cannot trace your tattoos or pinch your earlobes, I have no idea what else to do with them. I think they are lucky enough to be able to touch and embrace you at all.

You cannot visualize and imagine the way that I can. Just another one of many ways our brains are different. Something you may never understand is the way I can see you anytime I want in my minds eye. I can play back memories like movies. And I do often. It engulfs all of my senses.

I can see all the times you've been asleep next to me, I can watch your chest rise and fall and I can look at every eyelash on your face and think about how delicate and at peace you look lying there. When I'm on the plane back to Chicago, I make it a point to wear something of yours. It is on my body but I see you in it and that is what makes it special. I smell your t-shirts and there you are.

I can see you in the drivers seat of your car with tears welled up in those big beautiful eyes and I can hear your voice telling me you hate yourself. I can feel my heart break, because when I remember that moment, I remember the sound of your laugh and your open mouth, scrunched nose, and closed eyes. Your joy, seeing your joy, makes my heart stretch and swell into something it has never been before. In those moments, I think I have never seen something so beautiful. How could you transform me in that way and not be the most lovable creature on the planet? Your happiness brings me peace and your tears fill me with anger toward anything that ever made you feel like you weren't good enough.

Yesterday I told you that being with you feels right, and that spending time with you feels so right that it feels like my natural state of being. Those words can only begin to explain it. When you're not around, something is missing. Maybe you are a part of me and that is why I won't let you go. No matter what happens, in the near or distant future, you will be a part of me. I have wondered about the future but I have never wondered whether or not I love you. That says enough to me.

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temporaryspace · 2 years ago

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i miss you.. do you feel the same about me? i feel i was just a convenience. i fear that’s all i’ll ever have been. i worry you’ll never come back. i was just there when you needed someone, and that was enough. i have this overwhelming paranoia that you’re simply doing what all white people do: dishonestly and cruelly giving me hope for a changed future that you know will never come, and, even if it does, this was all just a ploy to finally rid yourself of me. here i sit in the ruins of what we were; realising only now that you were what they call a “queer platonic partner.” i wonder if i was the same for you or was our connection deeper on my end than what it was for you. i yearn for the times again when you held me and played your games or we watched jojo. i barely payed attention; my focus more on the love i had for you. i honestly think i would’ve dated you had it not been for those horribly overlying problems that lead to the demise of the relationship we had, but i also don’t completely believe that. i could never really tell how i felt about you. always more than a friend but never really someone i completely loved in a romantic sense. i didn’t really love you sexually either. sometimes, in the early days, i had thoughts about it but quickly realised all i was was touchstarved. but i loved you deeply, not in the same way one loves a lover, but also not in the way one loves a friend. i loved you in a way somewhat in between the two that burns your soul and makes you wish for the company of the other, but it seems it was in vain. i could never read if that was one-sided. sometimes, it felt it was, and sometimes, it seemed you felt the same. all i wanted was time with you, my friend, time to sit and talk deeply. i always wished for the ability to spend a night together just to hear the way your brain works when it’s late and there’s no one watching. i loved going to the underground and the river together. i loved how you understood me. the way our disorder could interweave us. i miss you. i burn and i ache and i can’t explain it to any of my other friends. you were someone i took refuge in, but you always felt like the ocean: sometimes so cold, sometimes so warm, there was always the knowledge your temperament could change at anytime, and there was always this underlying notion that you were so scared and sad and nihilistic. you’re so afraid, and you lash out on anything in sight; not in the way where you scream and thrash and beat on your chest or the nearest object, but in the way of abandonment and complaints. <i>everything</i> was an affront to you. your loving parents so “bothersome” always “up [your] ass”; your friends or, as you put it, lackthereof. they never understood you. you were <i>so</i> alone. a narcissistic, nihilistic self-induced isolation you carried around like a sack of plague. only curable by you. it was always “yeah, i should work on that. i know, i know. i’m just so sad.” as much as i yearn to pity you, it’s so hard when i did everything i could. i offered my hand in aid. i offered you time. each time, you told me things would be different this time. you were the same as pat. perhaps, that’s why i fell so hard for you. maybe that’s why i sit here now, feeling an array of emotions i have no possible way to truly unpack, missing you. so, so entirely missing you. i feel so cold and rotted from the inside out, but i can also feel the spring flowers grow over me in this cold april. i can feel the larva of caterpillars vomit out of me. i think, eventually, things will be okay, but right now, they hurt so horribly, and through it all, i miss you.

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deviltoys · 4 years ago

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Nishoya yuu and male reader are dating and yuu was flirting with girls, reader decides to pee on yuu and inside of yuu to show him who he belongs too.

— ‘𝗹𝗮𝗱𝗶𝗲𝘀 𝗺𝗮𝗻!’

nishinoya yuu x top!male reader. (wc; ?)

#a/n: sorry this was so short! I REALLY WANTED TO PUMP SOMETHIN’ OUT AND THIS WAS MY FAVORITE REQ AT THE MOMENT. hopefully it's not too bad, i have another noya watersports work comin’ soon ;)

warnings. NSFW CONTENT, MINORS DNI, watersports, brat-taming (if you squint), daddy k., creampie, dumbification, exhibitionism, voyeurism, manhandling, sex in a locker-room.

once again, you were back at the same place as always. punishing nishinoya for fooling around with some younger females-- backside being fucked into the cold line of a lockers. your lips melted against the skin of his collarbone, tongue leaving small tender pecks along the nape of his neck.

his attitude always changed in moments like these, he would go from teasing you for a sliver of attention, to whining like a bitch in heat— coaxing your fingers to sink deeper into the back of his slender thighs.

he was so pretty begging to be ruined after ‘harmlessly’ hitting on other people, knowing you'd fuck him all nice and rough either way. you saw right through his innocent facade, but he was well aware of how to get what he wanted. every, single, time.

“yuu.” your tone was short; yet condescending. he could taste the lust in your voice, even more so when your tongue glided softly across his plump lips before slipping into his mouth.

he never did, truly get off talking to other girls. your thick cock was the only thing that could ever tame him! how could he resist the urge to be pile-driven into the locker-room floor after a draining practice? your poor boyfriend would never expect what was coming next though-- you were fed up with noya being the only one receiving pleasure and his recent behavior was the final straw.

“y-yeah...y/n?”

you merely hummed in response, the goosebumps littering down his abdomen told you all you needed to know. you let your left hand make it's way to his with a tug-- the right softly trailed along his waist. close enough to send shivers down his spine.

“i wanna try something, different. so pray that you enjoy this, m’kay?”

your words had him feverish, what did you mean? pray? fuck, he didn't care, as long as your cock was inside of him one way or another; you could use his body as you pleased.

you were going to use your boyfriend as a urinal.

edging your blatter all afternoon, consuming as much liquid as humanly possible, it wasn't easy. you had to ignore noya all of lunch break just to make sure he didn't catch on. not that he would ever guess what you had prepared for him anyway.

with his ass up, face down-- you ease your way into the tiny male, making sure to hold onto his hips for support. he wanted your cock so bad and now he had it.

a feminine yelp broke past his throat, his tight hole preventing your dick from going in any further past the tip. but you don't cease, killing what hope he had left for you to slow down; you push the rest of your shaft inside of him with the simple movement of your thighs.

soon noya’s pain clouds with pleasure, and his wails of agony turn into breathy moans. with your cock buried deep into his tummy and your knees spreading his legs to the point of no return-- he breaks. bruised walls are practically squeezing the piss and cum from your balls, and soon enough, your boyfriend realizes what the ‘suprise’ you had in store was.

“mm..fuck baby. you're always so greedy for all of daddy, so i decided to spoil you with all of my fluids.”

his whole body jolts forward into lockers each time one of your shallow thrusts kiss his prostate. your poor dumb slut can only babble out— ‘daddy’ with little pleas to fuck him harder. cock sitting so heavy in his guts, pee and cum sloshing around inside of his body.

little to yuu’s knowledge you informed and proposed that the girls he had been leading on, come and watch you use your boyfriend as a human urine disposal. you wish you could've seen the look on their faces, whatever attraction they had to the libero now moved to you.

they observed your performance from the other side of the wall, wishing you'd breed their pussies like you did his; stuffing him full of your sperm.

he had no choice but to cum right there and then, obeying his body's screams for release. feeling your blatter still holding one more batch of piss-- you slip your wet shaft out of him, a sharp breath signifying how you were about to relieve yourself on your boyfriend once more.

still intoxicated by how good you made him feel, nishinoya can just barely feel your big hands slap the right side of his ass. the sting of your skin on his momentarily inflamed the area before the milky patch of flesh was stained red.

“yeah, take it like the good whore you are!”

a lewd mixture of your leftover cum, piss, and spit dripped out of his spend hole and collected into a puddle at your feet. he was a shaking, stuttering mess— barely able to tell you had finished pissing all over his exposed backside. his body had abandoned any sensible thought in his brain; and he's unable to do anything but nuzzle his face into the drool stained floor, waiting to come down from his high.

“you won't be flirting with anyone but me anytime soon, now that every girl at the school knows yer’ daddy's piss drinker.”

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