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jaspersforever · 6 years ago

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there's a man-ish thing below this veneer of fat and tears and mood swings, and i liken the situation to an angel trapped in marble to make it sound less disgusting. i promise it's in there... i just have to start chipping away...

#but the block is so small to begin with; and its cracks run deep #whatever is carved from it; no matter how lovingly and painstakingly; will be a mockery #is there even a point? hating the fact that i am this block and rebelling against it by carving myself into something else #only further proves that i am one #i don't even know if my dysphoria would exist outside social context #from what i've been able to identify; it's half envy and half fear #seeking to escape the fate of every woman by turning into a man (or a man-like thing to escape the fate of every man)#does my dysphoria sprout from my (a)sexuality #or do both come from a deep and early-realized hatred of the subjugation of women's bodies and minds?#am i; in fact; a misogynist in that i reject my assigned womanhood and feel repulsed by the womanhood of others?#they're happy this way; aren't they? does it bother them? does their awareness of the violence they face make them not want to be a woman?#in wanting to become a man; am i having a moment of clarity in a swirl of madness or am i just confused?#well 'man' is an easier word to type than 'something not quite man or woman but neither and both'#my desire for masculinity might just be a desire to escape the constant scrutiny and judgement of femininity #men are neutral and can be looked over like scenery; but (wo)men stand out; they're identical to men but have bows and eyelashes drawn on #and i don't want that. i just want to be me (whatever that might be)#'me' has no age gender race height pain wealth family or concept of judging others by any of the previous criteria #just a mind with senses attached #brain in a jar #that would be better than whatever foolishness all this is #me

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