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rikotin · 5 years

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Fictober 2019 – Prompt #18 “Secrets? I love secrets.” + Prompt #28 “Enough! I heard enough.”

Title: A Penny For Your Thoughts Fandom & characters: DRUCK – Matteo Florenzi & Sara Adamczyk Pairings: Matteo Florenzi / David Schreibner (background), Sara Adamczyk / Leonie Richter (background) Words: 6297 Notes: at the end of the prompt. Summary: Matteo is having major regrets for agreeing to a meet-up with Sara: it's barely 10 o'clock in the morning and he still has no idea what the real meaning behind this heartfelt invitation is/what the real purpose behind this heartfelt invitation is. When Sara finally arrives and Matteo gets to hear the reason why she wants/wanted to talk to him specifically, past guilt, present doubts and future hopes collide in the small café on Waldstraße 59. Read on AO3

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”Good morning! Welcome to GARCIA!”

Matteo felt like the loud and painfully friendly greeting would knock him over, as he turned to look at the barista with a little startled expression on his face. The young woman had huge glasses that had a shade of red that was sure to blind you if you looked at them for too long, and a smile way too bright and wide for it to be barely 10 in the morning. Matteo had practically sleepwalked his way from home to this very coffee shop, so the sharp contrast between his drowsiness and the barista’s cheerfulness was… a lot.

Matteo made a sound that was meant to resemble ’hi’ but it came out like more of grunt. He didn’t have anything against enthusiastic customer service – on the contrary, he almost envied the baffling ability to smile and speak kindly to everyone no matter how the said customer responded – but it was the best he could do while still being at least sixty percent asleep.

After vacantly staring at array of sandwiches and pastries for longer than was probably socially acceptable, the strong smell of coffee next to the coffee maker getting a bit too overwhelming, he decided to simply get some tea in order to try and shake off the cold that had chilled him to the bone on the way to the café. It was not a long walk but the wind had been particularly sharp and if it wasn’t for his still lingering guilt from some time back, he would have ditched the whole ”breakfast date for old friends” as Sara had called it. He must’ve been out of his mind when he agreed to her suggestion.

“Sir?”

Matteo blinked, jerking his head up, and realized he had missed the whole introduction to their undoubtedly large and impressive choice of teas. He coughed awkwardly, running a hand through his hair and asked for whatever it was in the jar he pointed at. He could’ve sworn the barista gave him an odd look but he couldn’t really bother to think about it too much.

Matteo pressed his palms against his eyes and let out a deep sigh. He was so dumb for agreeing to this. His sleep schedule was not in any way suitable for anything that took place before noon, especially if he had to go somewhere he’d never gone before. Not to mention, Sara wasn’t even there yet even though she had initiated all of this. Matteo had zero clue why she’d wanted to meet him in the first place. After everything that had gone down and after Matteo had finally apologized for his behaviour and for hurting her feelings, they had slowly started mending things between them and, in time , ended up with a rather nice friendship. He was happy they’d managed to get to that point. What they didn’t really do, however, was meet up when it was just the two of them. Most of the time they’d hang out with the whole squad or in a smaller group, usually with Leonie and David. That’s why her sudden suggestion of a café hangout seemed rather odd.

“Here’s your Golden Chamomile tea, sir. Please let it sit for about 5 minutes before drinking. Enjoy!” the barista exclaimed gleefully and wow, did that voice still make his ears ring.

She had placed a clear teapot, which had an infuser of a sort in the middle of it, and a simple white cup on a tray that stood on the counter between them. Matteo nodded quickly, forced out a ‘thanks’ with a small smile he wasn’t sure looked like one and grabbed the teapot and cup hurriedly, leaving the tray behind.

A steady chatter filled the room, a few customers already sitting in the café. A clink of a spoon here and there, someone typing on their laptop in rather hurried manner, and the machines behind the counter softly buzzing and hissing as the people worked on them. Some sort of jazz music played in the background and really, it was very cosy, Matteo noted, carefully setting down his two-part beverage on a free table tucked away in the corner of the fairly small space, and took a look around. The mismatched wooden furniture and soft brown tones made the place warm and inviting, but at the same time, with an unfinished looking feature wall and geometric golden lamps, it had an almost industrial vibe that David’s hiptery university friends seemed to love. They were nice, really, and Matteo got along with them well enough, but things like these were just way over his head.

As Matteo dropped himself on a chair placed near the wall, the bell of the café’s door chimed and Sara walked in with her hair hanging down her shoulders in messy waves, a little breathless and flushed like she’d run there. She quickly looked around and strode across the floor when she spotted Matteo waving his hand lazily.

“Hey! Sorry I’m late, I sort of overslept,” she sighed out right away when she reached him. Matteo couldn’t help but let a snort escape his lips.

“Overslept, huh?” Matteo’s eyebrows flew up as he repeated the sentence like he couldn’t quite believe it. “This was your idea, remember?”

A little lopsided grin spread across Matteo’s lips and he rubbed his eyes with one of his hands. Sara scrunched her nose, but granted him a smile as she threw her coat over the back of the chair across Matteo. He still had his baggy coat safely tucked around him, providing him with the much needed warmth that hadn’t quite reached his insides after stepping back inside.

“It’s not early, it’s basically a brunch time already,” she shot back, shifting her weight a little on her feet and crossing her arms, “I just didn’t have the heart to drag you out of your bed right after sunrise.”

Matteo huffed, opening his mouth in surprise and feebly swinging his hand out to point an accusing finger at Sara: “It was you who was late,” he laughed, and let his hand drop back down, knocking it painfully on the corner of the table in the process. He hissed at the jolt of pain and shook his hand a bit, pursing his lips at Sara who let out a little mocking kind of giggle. Matteo gave her the best glare he could muster up, which had little to no effect on Sara’s amused smirk.

“Karma,” she stated, glancing around the café again and scooping her hair into a messy bun high on top of her head. A couple of her blond locks fell right back down around her face, making her swipe them quickly away, only for even more of them to fall down.

“I’ll be right back,” she continued.

She turned on her feet and blew some of the hair of her face, dropping her hands in a defeated manner. Matteo hummed in acknowledgement and watched after her as she made her way to the counter. Matteo sniffled his nose and zoned out a bit while keeping his eyes fixed on the counter. The same loud and chipper woman, who Matteo had been forced to face, seemed to have an equally stunning effect on Sara – if her slow and exaggeratedly wide-eyed glace back over to Matteo was anything to go by.

Matteo slouched further in his chair and turned his head to look out of the window on the other side of the room, absent-mindedly watching as people passed the café. It was weird, he thought. He could’ve sworn Sara seemed nervous. They hadn’t dated for too long, but he could recall her nervous habits from their early days: shifting on her feet, fiddling with her hair, looking around for nothing apparent. He scrunched his brows, deep in thought, and brought his thumb to his lips, nibbling a little fleck of the dry skin on the side of it. He had a weird gut feeling that something was up, and he wasn’t certain what to make of it.

Right then, Sara appeared back to the table and placed a plate with a small sandwich and some sort of a tart next to Matteo’s – now most likely bitter – tea. As an instinct, alarms went off inside his head: something was up, without a doubt, and now he was part of it, whether he liked it or not.

Sara must have noticed his slightly growing panic, as she scoffed at whatever expression it was that he had on his face, and rolled her eyes.

“Don’t worry, it’s not poisoned and this is not an ambush.” she said dryly and pushed the plate closer to him and circled back to the other side of the table, placing down her own plate with a croissant and a piece of what appeared to be carrot cake.

“I wasn’t sure what you liked, though. I hope it’s alright,” she continued, and quickly added as soon as Matteo opened his mouth to respond, “And I know I didn’t have to, but I wanted to, so.”

Matteo snapped his mouth closed, still eyeing her with slight suspicion, but decided on straightening his posture somewhat and leaning back towards the table. He poked the contents of his plate,a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

”Yeah, thanks. It looks good.”

Sara had ordered a hazelnut latte, like she had every single time for as long as Matteo had known her. He never let her hear the end of it, until she tried a mint chocolate cappuccino, took one sip of it and forced Matteo to finish the teethrottingly sweet liquid. He felt nauseous for days and never said another word about it.

The coffee was brought to the table with another boisterous ‘enjoy’ along with it and even if Sara managed to thank her with a polite smile, they both started grinning like idiots as soon as she left the table, which resulted in Matteo barely swallowing down a laugh and Sara swatting his knee under the table while shushing and giggling simultaneously.

Matteo felt himself relax after that, and it finally seemed like his body temperature had settled back to normal instead of the continuous shudders that had been running through him. He swiftly peeled off his coat, leaving it to hang behind him, and reached out to finally pour himself a mug of tea. The taste was just as bitter as he’d anticipated, but it was really the foul taste of chamomile that made him grimace. Sara lifted her brows at him and sipped on her own coffee.

”What is it?” she asked as she placed the glass back down and tore off a corner of her croissant, stuffing it in her mouth.

”Chamomile,” he muttered through gritted teeth and took another sip, ”I think I let it sit for too long.”

”And you hate chamomile tea,” Sara said slowly, looking at him with a questioning expression and waiting for him to elaborate his obviously dumb choice. Matteo shrugged and managed to swallow the warm liquid. It warmed up his chest so comfortably he was almost able to ignore the hideous taste it left behind – almost.

”Technically, I didn’t choose chamomile,” he mumbled, catching Sara’s confused stare, ”I, uh… I zoned out a bit? Early morning and all that, you know? And, um, I just blindly picked a jar and hoped for the best. Didn’t work, obviously.” He let out an awkward huff of a laugh, picking up his own sandwich. It tasted quite ordinary, like a basic sandwich with some ham and cheese and greens, but there was some sort of a savory sauce – a seasoned cream cheese, maybe – that gave it a nice little twist. It was good, he decided, happily taking another bite.

A comfortable silence fell over them, as both of them ate in peace, peering over the room, out of the window. It wasn’t raining, but the day still seemed to have a gloomy outlook. On the way to the café, the leaves on the trees in the nearby parks had started to turn into various shades of yellows, reds, and browns, a majority of them already resting on the grass on the pavement. It was beautiful, really, but also made him sort of melancholic – even more so than usual.

“So,” Sara suddenly broke the silence, wiping the corners of her mouth on a napkin, “how are things?”

Matteo turned to look at Sara again. She was biting her lip and poking the slice of cake on her plate with a fork, but not really paying attention to it.

“We literally saw each other, like, two weeks ago,” he replied, digging his own fork into the pie she had placed in front of him. It turned out to be an apple tart with a meringue topping

”Fuck, this is good. Can I live off of this?”

Sara gave him a wide smile, finally taking a piece of her own cake as well.

“Glad you like it. So, what, can’t I ask how my dear friend is doing?”

Matteo gave her the most unamused look, quirked a brow and chewed his tart slowly. Sara winced a little, and placed her fork back down while coughing a little to clear her throat.

”Too much?” she asked, helplessly, as Matteo simply nodded.

”Way.”

The silence had shifted into something more tense and Sara had crossed her arms as if she was trying to make a barrier between them. Matteo put his own fork down as well, mirroring her, and leaned back in his chair.

“So? What’s up?” he finally asked, as Sara was trying look at to anything but him. She fidgeted a little, dropping her hands down to rub her knees.

“I–, uh… I, um, wow this is super awkward,” she managed to stutter, pressing the heels of her hands to her forehead as she let out a long sigh and nodded, almost as to psych herself up to something, before letting her hands fall back on her lap.

“Listen, Matteo, I need to ask you not to say anything to anyone yet,” she began, confusing him even more.

“Secrets? I love secrets,” he shrugged, wincing immediately after realizing the implication of his statement, “Sorry.”

Sara gave him a warm laugh, which caught his uneasiness right off the bat, and shook her head a little. The bun on her head bounced around with it.

“None taken. We’ve already been over that, Matteo. It’s in the past.”

The thing was, it was in the past. They really had mended things between them and were in good terms nowadays. Matteo had found his spine and apologized, but he couldn’t help the guilt that still creeped in the back of his mind. He knew the way he had behaved had been inconsiderate, to say the least. Or, well, he had been, frankly speaking, a complete asshole. He had had his reasons back then but it didn’t excuse his multiple terrible decisions that had ended up hurting too many people. Sometimes, the shame he felt for his actions chased away all the air that he was desperately trying to get into his lungs, but kept him in its tight grasp, leaving him to wonder if he’d ever be able to escape it. Together with his new therapist, though, they had found some ways to help him get through situations like that.

It was quite recent, the whole therapy thing, but with the help of his friends, his mother, and of course David, they had managed to find him a promising sounding therapist who had turned out to be absolutely great. He was quite young and hadn’t been out of university for too long and Matteo got along with him very well. That had made the whole scary ordeal of committing to regular visits and a therapy plan feel way less scary and significantly more like an opportunity – as well as the first couple of appointment reminders that were sent a meme format. That couldn’t last, obviously, but it really helped to ease off his nerves for the first few times he went on the appointments, and since then, the progress had been slow, but good. He did want to get better. He was sick and tired of the persistent numbness as well as the anxiety that usually flared up into a full blown panic attack at the worst possible moment. But finally, he had taken the first steps to start and get better, no matter how challenging and long the road ahead of him seemed.

Matteo cleared his throat awkwardly and leaned forward once again, catching his fork and shoving a piece of the – god, so good – tart into his mouth.

“Anyway, tell me. You wanted to meet me for something,” he asked, munching on his tart. Sara made a slightly disapproving face, pursing her lips, and leaned back in her chair.

“I wanted to meet you for breakfast,” she mumbled, but her voice was giving away there was a ‘but’ there somewhere. Matteo hummed, still chewing away at his tart, and mether eyes with a pointed look, gesturing at her to continue.

They stared at each other in silence for a few seconds until Sara gave in with a frustrated sigh.

“Ugh, fine,” she muttered, dropping her gaze to her hands and turning them around like there was something interesting there to see. Matteo rolled his eyes, poked at his tart, which was vanishing way too quickly, and set his fork down again to save some of the pastry for a little longer. He grabbed his tea mug and took another grimace-inducing sip. Not only was it bitter and bad, now it was almost cold as well.

“I need you to explain to me what it was that made you realize you were gay.”

Sara’s hurried request was enough to make Matteo choke on his drink, setting off a coughing fit. He quickly put the mug down – deciding to abandon the rest of it right then and there – and covered his mouth with his hands, the hacking cough making his eyes water. Sara startled and jerked her hands towards him, but stopped them in midair, not exactly certain how she could help the situation.

“Shit! Sorry, I– do you need water? Should I– uh, should I get you some water? Ask for them to bring some?” she stuttered, already getting up from her chair, but Matteo just shook his head and hurriedly beckoned her to sit back down with his free hand.

“No, no, don’t– fuck,” he managed out before coughing some more, the coughs shaking him in his chair, ”I can’t handle it anymore, not this morning.”

Sara snorted, sat back down, and leaned her elbows on the table, propping her chin in her upturned palms. She had an amused smile on her face and Matteo finally stopped feeling like he was going to die a brutal death by choking on some chamomile tea.

“She’s so friendly, but like, painfully so,” she commented, glancing towards the counter where the barista in red glasses was currently flashing her blinding smile to a visibly surly business man. “It’s a talent, though, I think. And she’s very cute.”

“I guess,” Matteo agreed, turning to look towards the counter as well, when his mind backtracked to what Sara had just said and an understanding suddenly dawned on him.

“Wait, are you saying–,” he started, turning his gaze back to Sara, who cut him off by letting out a lengthy groan. She closed her eyes and let her head fall back, facing the ceiling, and brought her hands to cover most of her face as she sighed.

“Yes, no? I don’t know, Matteo,” she said, her voice whiny, ”I don’t think I’m a lesbian? I mean, I really, really, liked you back when we had our thing. But I– ugh, I just– fuck, I don’t know.”

“Okay.”

Sara opened her eyes and quickly jerked her head up, staring at Matteo with wide eyes. There was an open and vulnerable expression on her face. She looked so insecure and scared, it almost made Matteo uneasy – he didn’t want his friends to feel like this around him. He didn’t want people to go through the same doubts and fears he had had when he was still questioning his sexuality and deeply buried in the closet. That had simply been one of the worst periods in his life.

“Okay?” she asked, clearly uncertain, her eyes squinting in confusion, “I– Okay?”

“Okay,” Matteo shrugged and his lips turned into a crooked, almost mischievous smirk, “So? Who is it that you’ve got the hots for?”

“Who is that i’ve got the–?”

Sara’s cheeks flushed quite impressive shade of red and Matteo couldn’t help but laugh wholeheartedly. He let his head fall backwards for a second and then set his eyes back on Sara who looked like all stages from annoyed to embarrassed to, surprisingly, relief.

“You don’t have to tell me. No, really,” Matteo stated, his smirk shifting into something more gentle, as he interrupted Sara’s emerging protest “It’s fine.”

“No, I mean I know, but I want to. I feel like I’m going to burst if I refuse to speak about it with someone else any longer,” she huffed, reaching out for the fork and the neglected carrot cake on her plate, slowly cutting the remainder of it into bite-sized pieces. Matteo hummed knowingly, nodding his head. He knew exactly how it felt to have these new and puzzling feelings towards someone and not be able to discuss them with anyone. He remembered feeling lost, confused, and like he was an outsider with his newly found crush on a guy he barely knew, but who had wormed his way into Matteo’s heart without him even realizing it at first.

Matteo followed Sara’s example to finish his apple tart, glancing up, but giving her time to ponder her next line. He could see the cogs turning in her head, as she fidgeted and tugged at the cuff of her white sweater. Matteo forked some more of the tart into his mouth and already missed the taste, making a mental note to drag David to the café next Thursday after he’d gone to the appointment again. Whatever it was that they were to talk about that day would certainly get just the tiniest bit easier if Matteo knew he was getting another one of these tasty tarts afterwards.

“It’s– it’s Leonie,” Sara finally stuttered out after a while, her voice low like someone around them might be listening and would make fun of her as soon as the name left her mouth. Matteo wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting, but even if it was a little surprising, it didn’t exactly baffle him.

“Leonie, huh. That makes sense,” he commented thoughtfully, turning his gaze back towards the window, noting that even more people were passing by. It was obviously starting to get closer to noon, and Matteo was suddenly aware of the murmur around the café being significantly louder than when he had arrived there. He wondered when that had happened.

Leonie was a nice person. Matteo didn’t really know her as well as he knew Sara, despite them hanging out in a group for many times. It had been a rocky road for Matteo and Leonie to finally get along, as back when he had abruptly called it quits with Sara, Leonie had quite profoundly hated Matteo for it. But it had worked out in the end, and she did seem genuine and honest, as well as sharp and headstrong. More than once, Matteo and Sara had been sitting on the side, following a heated discussion between David and Leonie, and sometimes Jonas, about politics, movies, painters, worldviews and whatnot, exchanging eyerolls and huffs. They had a similar kind of stubbornness and strong opinions, David and Leonie, but whereas David would – although reluctantly – admit his defeat, Leonie defended her opinions fiercely and ended up sulking if it became apparent she was on the losing end. Then, later, long after the debate had taken place, she would swallow her pride and admit that David might have been right ‘that one time’ and offer an almost timid smile to make amends on something that hadn’t even been a quarrel in the first place.

“Does it?” Sara questioned, taking a bite of her cake and staring at the plate intensely, her brows knitting together as she mulled over Matteo’s statement.

“Yes, it does,” he said, now with more confidence, ”she’s a good person. You two are close friends and she’s been there for you many times.” Matteo nodded like it was something that he just came up with, reluctantly taking the last piece of his tart and chewing on it slowly. He really needed to remember to thank Sara for the pastry before they went their separate ways.

“Yeah...” Sara mumbled, finishing the last piece of her cake quickly and putting her fork back down on the plate with a loud clink.

“Did you have a crush on any of your friends? Before David?” she asked slowly, carefully. She seemed to fear crossing an invisible line. Her lips were pursed into a thin line, but her expression remained a mix of tentative and curious, her eyes locked on Matteo.

And now this was something he didn’t expect today. Talking about his past crush on Jonas was another red flag that triggered the long-lasted guilt he had felt for breaking Jonas and Hanna up in his jealousy fit. Besides, this was Sara he was talking with – a friend of Leonie’s, who had dated Jonas and had been friends with Hanna before it all came crashing down. Needless to say, this wasn’t really something he was too eager to talk about. But Sara’s eyes were wide and almost begging and he remembered again how desperately he had wanted to just belong. To relate.

Matteo let out a deep sigh, rubbing his forehead a little, and crossed his arms across his chest.

“I did,” he finally mumbled, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth as Sara’s eyes seemed to get even more wide and eager. She leaned in more over the table, eyes still fixed on Matteo’s.

“You did? Who?” she exclaimed, grimacing immediately as she realized Matteo had a sorf of an uneasy look on his face, “I mean you don’t–.”

”Nah, it’s– I mean you told me, so it’s only fair,” he cut her off, bringing one hand up and biting his thumb for a short while again, contemplating how he should break the news but realizing he should just come clear with it. “It was Jonas.”

Sara’s mouth fell open in apparent disbelief and she huffed out a laugh.

“You’re shitting me. On Jonas? What is it with this guy that everyone seems to fall for him?”

Just like that, some of the tension in Matteo’s shoulders seemed to drop and he let his hands fall on his lap, almost sighing out in relief. It wasn’t weird. She didn’t find it weird, or well, not in the ‘well that’s fucked up’ way and that was really all he could’ve hoped for. Matteo laughed a little nervously, licking his lips and dropping his gaze for a bit before bringing it back to Sara.

“Yeah… But it wasn’t really before David that I came to terms with the fact that I like guys,” he said, wincing a tiny bit, ”as you might’ve been able to tell. I did start dating you.”

Sara hummed, her expression closing up for a while as she turned her head to look outside, deep in thought. The dread was building in Matteo’s gut but he tried to stick to the techniques they had gone through with his therapist, keeping his breaths long and even.

“I– You never told me why you did it,” she then said in a quiet voice, turning back to Matteo. ”Like I said, I obviously liked you a lot and wanted to be with you. But you didn’t. So I just… You know.”

Her eyes were a little sad, clouded by the past hurt resurfacing and Matteo had a moment of deep and pure self-hatred for knowing this was all on him.

“I really liked you, I swear,” he said just as quietly, dropping his gaze as he couldn’t really bear looking at Sara’s hurt expression any longer, ”but only as a friend. And I was a mess. First having major problems at home and then moving out, struggling with school and my mental health and on top of all that, having these gay feelings towards my best friend in a friend group which never talked anything but girls and sex.”

“Did they really talk about nothing else?” Sara wrinkled her nose, looking slightly disturbed.

“No, they didn’t – and I probably relate to whatever you’re feeling right now – but that’s beside the point,” he sighed, shaking his head, and lifted his gaze back up to meet Sara’s eyes again, ”the point is, I was in a really bad place and while it doesn’t excuse what I did, that was a reason for it. I wanted to fit in so badly and… be normal, I guess. I just– um...”

“You just wanted to be part of something and not having to explain yourself,” Sara finished for him, recalling their talk shortly after the break up, with a gentle smile on her lips.

“Yeah,” Matteo sighed, letting a smile spread across his lips, “now things with David have settled, though, compared to back then.”

“Is that what you call it? Settled?” she burst out laughing. “You’ve been disgustingly in love for ages by now!”

Matteo joined her laugher, smile widening even more, and allowed the relief to wash over him. He genuinely did like Sara, and always had. The consideration and tact had made it easy for him to approach her, and they’d talked about a lot of things, especially after they’d established their friendship. She came off as a determined and social person, but Matteo had learned she was extremely sensitive and took things easily to heart. He related to her in that sense, but what really hit him was the admiration. Sara was incredibly strong After her father had lost his job and they’d had to move, Sara hadn’t told anyone and came out of the whole mess on her own two feet and no tears in sight. Matteo had asked about it once, but she had simply shrugged and told him “there was no choice, it was what it was.” He really wished he had guts like hers.

Matteo ran a hand through his hair, a smile still wide on his face, and bent over, leaning his weight on his forearms that rested on the table.

“What do you want to know?” he asked, smirking a little at Sara’s frown as she shook her head a little questioningly. “About my whole ‘gay discovery’ and all, I mean.”

“Are you serious?” Sara’s eyes widened in astonishment. “I mean, are you sure?”

“Yeah. Ask away, I’ll answer,” Matteo nodded, pursing his lips. He wasn’t exactly sure what he had agreed to here, but in all honesty, it couldn’t be any more awkward than some of the questions the guys had asked him and David over the last months.

“Okay, um,” Sara frowned again, “how did you know you’re into David? Like, in a sexual way?”

She had swallowed the end of her sentence so that it took Matteo a little with to understand what she meant but she looked so flustered it wasn’t hard to guess. Matteo took a deep breath, trying to remind himself of the fact that this was not as embarrassing as he previously had thought and that he really wanted to help his friend here to figure herself out.

“Are you sure you want the honest version,” he asked slowly, looking for confirmation in her expression. ”Because I can also give you the more polite one, if you’d like.”

She looked a little hesitant for a second, before shaking her head and nodding. Matteo’s amused snort at the act caused Sara to scowl.

“The honest version,” she finally said and nodded again, clenching her hands into fists as if to steel herself against whatever it was that was that he was about to tell her.

“Okay,” he shrugged, ”I had to google how do I have sex with a woman when I’m not into her.”

His answer obviously threw her off guard, as she squawked and simply gaped at him for a few seconds.

“But we never even had sex,” she then managed to say, slowly, seeming uncertain about what it was that he was going to say next.

“Exactly. Never had to google how to have sex with a guy though, because I was so very into David,” Matteo smirked, “and we did have sex, which was–”

“Enough! I heard enough,” Sara hurriedly interrupted, shaking her hands in front of her, signaling him to stop, a slightly horrified expression on her face, “I think I got the point, thank you. I kinda regret asking.”

Matteo laughed a little, shaking his head, and straightened his back a little, expression falling into something more serious.

“There is no pattern to finding out stuff about yourself, Sara,” he said, looking straight into her eyes, ”and it can be really fucking scary when you suddenly do. I was in the closet for ages because besides the horrible timing of this discovery, I was horrified.”

“In the end, even if it took me a while, I realized it wasn’t something that I could change or’’work on’ in any way”, Matteo stated, making quotes with his fingers as he spoke. ”I just knew I had been crushing on guys, and that I wanted David. I didn’t need any more signs or proof. What I needed was courage and support, that’s what helped me to accept it.”

“Just like that?” Sara asked, looking a little taken aback, taking in everything that Matteo just said.

“It wasn’t exactly ‘just like that’, like I just said,” he snorted, rolling his eyes, “but you know, there was no choice, it was what it was.”

Sara stared at him blankly for a moment before understanding dawned on her, making her smile brightly.

”Way to throw my own words back at me,” she mocked, making Matteo grin and stick his tongue out. Sara laughed at the childish gesture, shoving his shoulder a little before settling back into her chair.

”Thank you,” she said quietly, after a short silence that had fallen on them. ”You’re right. It is so fucking scary, but I–,” her smile softened, “I think I’ll be alright. I just need to find the courage to tackle this.”

“You’re strong. It’ll be alright,” Matteo assured her, offering up his fist. Sara reluctantly pumped it with her own after leveling him an unimpressed look, and after a beat added: “Thank you for telling me.”

“I trust you,” Sara smiled a shy little smile, swiping some of the hair that had fallen out of her bun out of her face to the back of her ear, ”and I thought you might be able to help. And you really were, speaking wisdom and all, so thank you.”

Her sudden confession caused Matteo to squimri a little, not knowing how to accept the praise and react to it, so he just decided on humming in acknowledgement.

“Are you going to tell her, though?” Matteo asked in order to change the topic, but also because he was kind of curious. Not that he was going to play cupid anytime soon – he had had enough of that when trying to gently nudge Hanna and Jonas back together – but it didn’t mean he couldn’t pry.

Sara looked conflicted, thinking about it for a short while, tilting her head to the side, and shook her head.

“No, not yet. I’m not ready,” she said and bit her lip, “but I will when I’m okay with the whole– when I’m okay with being–” she stuttered before taking a deep breath and locking her eyes with Matteo’s.

“I will tell her when I’m comfortable with coming out as a bisexual,” she said, emphasizing all of the words just a little, like it was difficult to get them out. Matteo gave her the most encouraging smile he could muster up.

“Okay,” Matteo smiled.

They stayed in the café for a little while longer, chatting about this and that. Matteo promised to keep everything they had discussed between them, almost offended Sara had thought he might not. But he understood the fear she had, and shook his head and assured it’s in the past when she had expressed her own guilt about her behaviour back when they broke up, accusing Matteo openly for being gay due her judgement blinded by her own hurt.

As they finally decided to part ways, Sara surprised Matteo by pulling him into a tight hug. He returned it, although less fiercely, a little embarrassed smile on his face. As she turned to leave, going to the opposite direction of Matteo, he suddenly remembered what he was supposed to say a while back but completely forgot.

“Wait!” he exclaimed, making Sara stop and spin around, looking at him expectantly.

“Yeah?” she finally called out, when Matteo didn’t say anything for a few seconds.

“Thanks for the apple tart” he exclaimed gleefully, mimicking the barista at the counter that had left them both a little breathless and hoping for an escape. Sara’s laughter echoed on the street brightly.

She might still lack the courage, but he would damn sure continue to be her support.

_______________________________

Notes: Thank you so much for reading! I had this very specific urge to explore Matteo and Sara's friendship and its development, as well as their dynamics. So, this is my take on that and how the things would unfold if Sara would seek support from Matteo when she starts to question her sexuality.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this! How do you think their dynamics work? How'd you feel like their meet up? Anything else you want to say? All the comments, reblogs and likes are dearly appreciated!

Also, big shout out to my ever-so-lovely friend @mynameisnotthepoint for proofreading this story, and always cheering me on! ❤️

This is my third work for Fictober 2019. You'll find all the works here or on tumblr with a #fictober19 or on AO3 under the series “Fictober 2019″

#Druck #Druck fic #Matteo Florenzi #sara adamczyk #sara/leonie #davenzi #druck fanfic #this was the fic i was previously talking about #'let's make it around 1k' yeah sure jan #my writing #fictober19

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maybedefinitely404 · 4 years

Text

Forgotten

Genre: angst, hurt/comfort

Pairing: romantic Logicality, familial DRLAMP

World: canon

Content: some strong language, forgotten birthday, food mentions/eating/appetite loss, overworking mention, sympathetic dark sides, self deprecation, lying, crying, fluffy sweetness, first kiss.

Word Count: 4.7k

Comments: In my head, I pictured this as a 1k oneshot kinda deal. And then this happened. It’s still a oneshot, but like?? A big one?? Is there a size limit to a oneshot??

In retrospect, he shouldn’t have expected much. After all, he was always the one to remind everyone of their fellow side’s birthdays. He was the dad, the heart, and he loved the others with everything that he was, so it wasn’t a huge surprise that he was the one to wake up before the sun had even properly risen to set up the whole downstairs. In past years, it had been Logan who had taken charge of Patton’s birthday; it was clear by their traditional birthday banner hung in a perfectly straight line, the streamers exactly one foot apart with no wiggle room, and the balloons all blown up to the exact same size. The cake in the evening was meticulously decorated with some printed picture of the baby animal Patton was obsessed with at the time and light blue frosting flowers on the side, and whatever activity Logan had planned in The Imagination (with Roman’s help, of course) always went off flawlessly. And I mean, what could you expect? Logan always had things planned weeks in advance, the multiple calendars above his bed and desk made sure of it.

But knowing that Logan was always in charge of Patton’s birthdays and the fact that Thomas had a huge video deadline just around the corner still didn’t properly connect in his mind as he almost sprinted down the stairs, still in his pajamas. He screeched to a halt on the last step, his giddiness fading to sad confusion at the complete lack of… well, anything. Virgil was lounging on the couch, scrolling through his phone, ignoring Roman who was dramatically reenacting his latest adventure. They both turned as he entered, giving a two finger salute and a loud “good morning” respectively.

“Slept in much, pops? I was worried you weren’t going to make breakfast, and I am starving!”

“You’re always starving, Princey.”

“Well, duh, have you seen the adventures I go on? Wait, were you not even paying attention?!” The two continued to bicker as Patton mutely walked into the kitchen, ignoring the way his heart felt like it had sunk to his stomach. Of course, of course, they wouldn’t have remembered. Virgil with his constant barrage of anxious, worst-case-scenario thoughts and Roman, head filled to overflowing with creative ideas.

Patton threw together some pancakes, almost in shock. The smell must have attracted Janus, because he trotted downstairs, tongue flicking out between his teeth unwillingly.

“It smells awful. Pancakes?”

“Mmhm,” the hum came out a bit more strangled than he would have liked, but no one seemed to notice, “I made extra. Dig in.”

They did just that, and Patton nibbled at his slowly, watching their faces. Was this just a ploy? Surely, they hadn’t forgotten. Birthdays were always the same tradition every time, maybe they just wanted to switch it up a bit? Lure him into a false sense of sadness, and then when he came back downstairs, the whole party would be set up? That had to be it. Surely. So he should probably leave them to it, right? Didn’t want to make their plan too difficult!

He quickly excused himself to go upstairs, suddenly alive with excitement again. His usually quick routine took him double as long as he kept reminding himself to slow down, give them time to set it up! It wouldn’t be much fun if he walked in half way through. He couldn’t help smiling to himself in his reflection, toothpaste covering his lips. It was gonna be a good day.

But when he came back downstairs, now fully dressed, he was surprised to see the state of the room hadn’t changed. Well, except for the fact that Janus was now standing next to the coffee table, arms crossed over his chest.

“I think it’s ridiculous that even though poor Thomas got barely four hours of sleep, you’re still pushing him to finish this video today.”

“For the love of- we’ve been over this. He’s already past schedule, and he promised that it would be out this week! Do you want to be the reason that he disappoints over three million people? Do you really, Jan?”

“He will be able to work on it better if he at least takes a nap! The quality of his work is diminishing, and I’m quite sure his fans would rather see an amazing video two days late than whatever he’s making now, on time!”

“We have a schedule! Thomas can take a break when it’s done, and won’t it be more rewarding then?”

“He at least needs a nap!”

The two sides stopped their argument, breathing heavily as Patton took a ginger step down. “So what’s going on, guys?”

“Janus is insisting Thomas completely ignore his posting schedule!”

“Virgil isn’t letting Thomas rest, and god knows he needs it!”

“Okay, you know what?”

“What?!”

“I’m going out there, and I’m convincing Thomas to take a nap!”

“Not without me, you’re not!”

They both sunk out quickly, leaving Roman and Patton standing alone in the living room. Okay, so no surprise party after a let down. But… that’s okay, right? It’s not like he should have expected it. It’s wrong to expect something so big and then be upset when it doesn’t happen. And poor Logan, exhausted, having to keep Thomas going since he refused to rest. How dare Patton put himself first? That was wrong.

Maybe he could still have some quality time with Roman, at least.

“Hey kiddo, do you want to watch a movie with me? Your choice!”

“I would, but… shit, what time is it?” Patton checked his phone, scrunching his eyebrows together.

“Language. And just before eleven, why?”

“I need to go to the Imagination, I’m almost late!”

The moral side couldn’t help the jolt of excitement that flowed through him at the words. “Oh really? Why?” Maybe they had planned something!

“Now that Remus and I are… getting along,” he made a disgusted face, “Or trying to, at least, we figured we should try to have an adventure again. Like old times, you know?”

“Yeah…” Patton forced a smile on his face, pushing down the disappointment, “That’s great for you guys! Proud of you, ki-”

“No time, Pat! He’s probably already waiting, and I don’t want to know what he’ll do if I’m late!”

And he sunk out.

Patton stood in the silence, his breathing seeming almost deafening in the empty room. He let the smile drop from his face but kept the rest of his bad feelings down, reprimanding himself for letting his own desire to be appreciated coming before the other’s happiness. They probably wouldn’t have wanted to be bogged down by some birthday celebrations. Helping Thomas and bonding with your brother were more important, right?

“Right,” he murmured to himself, sitting himself into the corner of the couch. It felt so big, so bare without anyone sitting with him, and he curled his legs into his torso to take up as little space as possible. Pulling the blanket down from over the top and wrapping it tightly around his shoulders, he flipped on the TV and put on the first show that was displayed, not even bothering to read the title.

If he pulled the blanket around him tightly enough and closed his eyes, he could almost imagine it was someone’s arms.

--------------------------------------

When Thomas was tired, it reflected on all the sides. And he must have been exhausted, because the next thing Patton knew, he was waking up. The blanket was still wrapped around him and the TV was still playing the same show as before, yet the light had begun to fade outside the window. Had he really just slept through his entire birthday? Not that it mattered anyways, it’s not like anyone had any plans.

Stop that. He reprimanded, slowly standing up and stretching his aching back. And no more falling asleep on the couch.

He hummed quietly to himself as he got a glass of water, downing the whole thing before refilling it. What was it about naps that always made you so thirsty when you woke up? In response, his stomach growled loudly, making Patton chuckle. Guess I should eat, too.

A look in the fridge revealed no leftovers from the week, and he really wasn’t in the mood to cook right now. His eyes settled on the Crofters jar, front and center on the top shelf, and he took it without thinking twice. His tune took on a more lighthearted melody as he waited for the toaster to pop, fiddling with a butter knife.

He kept hoping, and hoping, and hoping, that Virgil would pop into the living room with Janus in tow, or the twins would start yelling upstairs to symbolize their return. Just for someone to remember him, to just give him a hug, shoot him a smile that wasn’t in exchange for pancakes. No, he reminded himself. They’re having a good day. Let them be. You don’t matter.

He sat down at the table with his toast, glancing at the five empty seats around him. Even though he knew they had better things to do, and it was useless to dream, he couldn’t help but imagine all of them gathered together. The twins would fight and Janus would hit his head against the table and Logan would roll his eyes and Virgil would sulk in fake annoyance even while their pinkies were intertwined under the tablecloth. Remus would throw cake at Roman who would probably draw his sword in retaliation, Janus would yell at them to chill out, and Logan would excuse himself. They’d hear him scream in the distance before coming back, unruffled as always, and rejoin them at his usual seat. It would be chaotic and painful and long and exhausting but it would be his family. They’d all be together and it… it would be good. For once, they’d all be together.

Not like now, with everyone off doing their own things, and Patton staring numbly at his now cold toast, legs swinging slightly under his chair. With the jam covered knife, he poked the plate, drawing circles and stars around the perimeter. He wasn’t really hungry anymore.

“Breakfast food for dinner? And stealing my Crofters? This is highly unusual, Patton.” Patton jumped, dropping the knife on the table with a loud clang. Logan continued, unaffected by the noise, “However, I suppose it can be excused today, what with it being your birthday.”

Patton froze, slowly turning to meet Logan’s stoic expression with a look of pure shock. “You… you remembered?”

“Of course. You always remember our birthdays, somehow, even without a calendar or any marker to indicate the day. I am able to leave that to you, and all we have to do is remember yours. It is actually quite a load off of my shoul-” He was cut off by a pair of arms wrapping firmly around his middle as Patton flung himself off the chair. He burrowed his nose into Logan’s shoulder, mumbling a quiet “Thank you” into the material. Hands slowly found their way around his shoulders, settling on the grey cardigan hesitantly.

“Well,” Logan began, and Patton pulled away from him, a small smile etched into his face, “I apologize for not being available to partake in the festivities I’m sure the others planned. As you know, Thomas needed my assistance in researching and experimenting with a new editing technique. But now that is done with, so I’m free to join you.”

Patton tilted his head. “Join me?”

“Yes, for your oddly timed meal. Unless you don’t want me to, of course! I’d understand if you-”

“No, Logan,” He said quietly, reaching down to take the other’s hand, “Please. I’d love if you joined me.”

Patton grinned at the way Logan’s cheeks flushed lightly, barely hesitating before replying with a choked out, “Wonderful.” They sat, and Patton gladly gave Logan one of his slices, his appetite hardly returned.

“So,” Logan said around a mouthful of toast, “How was the party?”

“Oh! Uhm…” Should he tell the truth? Telling Logan that the others hadn’t planned anything, that they hadn’t even remembered… what would that do besides making Logan feel bad for not being there? But lying was… well, he could sort of understand where Janus was coming from now. “It was great!”

“What did you all do?”

“We… uhm… well, they set up the banner and everything, and it was super cool! And, uh, Roman made breakfast, so we ate that, and then… we went into the Imagination?” He hadn’t meant to make it sound like a question.

“Where is everyone now? I would think now would be the ideal time to eat dinner and cake.”

“They… Virgil and Janus knew they were going to be after Thomas for a while, and Roman and Remus… something went wrong in the Imagination that they had to… had to fix. So we did a birthday lunch instead.” It wasn’t a total lie, right?

“Something wrong with the imagination? Are they alright?”

“YUP!” Patton yelped all too quickly, “Yup, they’re all good! They just had to… ya know. Ya know how they are!”

“I…” Logan narrowed his eyes a bit, giving Patton a look that told him he wasn’t fooling anyone. Whether Logan understood what his frantic bumbling was trying to cover or not, he didn’t show. “Alright. And did you open presents already? I was hoping to give you mine at the same time.”

Patton couldn’t help the butterflies that exploded in his stomach, almost making him feel sick from pure elation. “You got me a present?”

“Yes, isn’t that customary for one’s birthday?” The slight twinkle in his eye made Patton smile. He fumbled around in his pocket, pulling out a thin box wrapped in blue wrapping paper that just fit in the palm of his hand. “I’m not sure if you’ll like it-”

He cut himself off, letting Patton take the small box in almost a state of wonder. The wrapping paper was quickly thrown to the side and he pulled off the lid, letting out a small gasp involuntarily. Logan explained quickly.

“I saw a similar product online, and I tried to copy it to the best of my ability. Unfortunately my conjuring skills are not as precise as Roman’s, so it is not as detailed as the ones I attempted to imitate. But…” He took Patton’s phone from where it had been sitting on the table and turned on the flashlight, lifting the necklace from the box to shine the light through the transparent center, “I kept trying and trying, until I got this part exactly right, even if the exterior is flawed,” The necklace worked like a projector, and it took Patton a second to realize that the dots now showing on the opposite wall were stars. “It’s as accurate to the night sky as I could make it. And right there,” he gestured vaguely with his chin to a section in the middle, where a clump of stars stood brighter than the rest, “Is the Hercules constellation.”

“Logan… I…” Patton couldn’t help the tears that filled his eyes as he looked between Logan and the stars on the wall. The logical side saw the tears and immediately tensed up, placing the necklace and phone back down.

“I apologize, did I do something wrong? I can-”

“No,” He scrubbed at his eyes with the back of his hands, laughing slightly, “No, it’s amazing. Thank you, Logan. Really.”

Patton picked up the necklace almost reverently. Logan was right, the outside was messy. The circle outline was wonky and crooked, and he couldn’t tell if the little scratches around the rim were intentional (numbers, maybe?) or accidental. But to him, it was perfect.

“Could you put it on me?” He held it out to the man in front of him, letting the pendant dangle between his fingers. And goodness, seeing Logan give a flustered nod and take the necklace with shaking fingers was an image he never wanted out of his mind.

Patton turned around in his chair, tilting his head down as Logan stood up behind him. The moment seemed to last forever and ended all too quickly; the ghost of Logan’s fingers against his neck that sent a shiver down his spine, the cool pendant against his collarbone, the way the taller man rested his hand on Patton’s shoulder blade when it was securely fastened. Patton swore to himself never to tell Logan about the hundreds of times he’d put on his own necklaces before.

He took his phone, the flashlight still on, and shone it through the necklace, admiring the night sky before him.

“What did you say the constellation was, Lo?”

Logan cleared his throat roughly, now standing beside him, the very tips of his ears on fire. “Hercules.”

Patton giggled lightly. “Why that one?”

For a moment, the other man was completely silent, and Patton feared he’d said something wrong. He looked up at Lo only to find him staring back with intensity that could challenge Remus. The taller man let out a heavy sigh before resting on the back of Patton’s chair, moving his attention to the projection. He could either say something meaningful or make eye contact; both was too much.

“Patton, I know the way you think about yourself. That you’re not worth caring for, or that everyone around you is more important, and I know you figuratively beat yourself up when you need to put yourself first. And I’m not good with emotions, I’m frankly quite terrible with them, and I am unsure how to comfort you when these thoughts enter your head. I just want you to know that… you’re stronger than you think, Patton. You’re so much more than you give yourself credit for.”

Pat nearly dropped the phone, turning up to face Logan again. And he just couldn’t help but notice how close they were… so close their noses were almost touching, so close he could see every detail in Logan’s eyes, so close that he could feel Logan’s breath on his lips and more suddenly then he could process, he realized he wanted to kiss Logan. He wanted to kiss him so bad.

He didn’t have a second to ponder this new thought before Logan closed the space between them, connecting their lips softly and Patton’s heart exploded. How had he gone this long without realizing he had a crush on the huge space nerd he lived with? Was he that obliviously gay? The necklace slipped from his fingers as he reached up, hands tangling in Logan’s hair as a silent sign that this is okay oh god it is so much more than okay.

When they finally pulled apart, panting, Patton couldn’t help the tiny laugh that bubbled out of his chest.

“I wasn’t expecting that.”

“My apologies. I should have asked beforehand.”

“No, don’t be! You’re so adorable, Logie.” Patton giggled at the way Logan’s face turned even redder, finally standing up from his chair. “Do you want to watch a movie? If you don’t have to help Thomas, that is.”

That’s the way birthdays usually ended in the mindscape. After tearing through presents and doing a sad excuse for clean up, they’d all watch a movie of the birthday-side’s choice. It usually ended with a few, if not all of them, fast asleep on the couch. If Logan was still awake, he’d usher them all into bed, preaching about proper sleeping habits. If he’d also conked out, however, no one complained to a huge sleepover all over the living room. The cuddles were something Patton looked forward to more than any gift.

Only now it was just him and Logan, which definitely was not a bad thing, but his little squeak of joy when Logan nodded mutely was not as bright as it usually was. The logic side didn’t seem to notice, or maybe he was just distracted by the way Patton cuddled into his side as soon as the movie started. He couldn’t help the low chuckle that escaped him as the title sequence for Hercules ran across the TV, and Patton almost leapt at the sound, delighted.

His joy didn’t last, though. Watching the gods argue only reminded him of his own family in a way that made him want to slap himself. Couldn’t he enjoy anything anymore? But goodness, Hades just had Virgil’s essence down to a tee, and Zeus was too similar to Roman to just let it slide… He wondered what they were doing right now. He had to admit, though foolish as it was, that even while he was preparing his make-shift toast dinner and eating with Logan and turning on the movie, that maybe this was all an elaborate ploy. That any second, they’d all rise up with decorations and cake and shout “Happy Birthday!” and that they hadn’t really forgotten him.

Maybe that’s why he got so incredibly excited when Janus and Virgil popped in out of nowhere, now much more relaxed then when they’d left earlier. But that stupid stupid hope was vanquished as Virgil collapsed next to him on the couch, letting out a heavy sigh.

“Fine, you were right. Thomas needed the stupid nap. Are you happy?”

“Not at all,” Janus smirked, turning to the TV, “What are we watching? Oh, Hercules? I despise this movie.” He dropped onto the floor in a satisfied heap, leaning against Virgil’s legs. Neither of them acknowledged the tiny affectionate gesture, so Patton decided to ignore it too.

Like they ignored you.

Just as Hercules met Meg for the first time, there was a loud shriek upstairs and loud thumping as a blur of red and white tumbled down the stairs, cursing all the way.

“You son of a bitch!”

Janus glanced at the lump of prince at the bottom of the stairs, pleased. “Ah, he took my suggestion.”

Remus followed after him, giggling to himself. He stepped over Roman giddily, making his way over to the group and splaying himself across Janus’ lap. “You proud o’ me, Snakey?”

“Never.”

Roman brushed himself off, joining the group with an angry grumble about “wasted bonding time”. And Patton wanted to be happy, he wanted to so badly, because he was finally in a group with his family, and that’s all he wanted, right? Then why did it feel tainted? On a normal night, watching a movie as a group wasn’t unusual, so he could just pretend that it was that. A normal, non-birthday night. That’s all it was.

Because if it was a birthday night, he’d be in the middle of the weird cuddle pile that Virgil, Janus, and Remus had formed. Roman would be running his fingers through his hair, not Virgil’s, and they would give up their stupid bickering for one evening so they could focus on him, but no, that’s just selfish and he can’t ask for that. He didn’t even notice he was crying until Logan’s arms tightened around him and he looked up, meeting his confused eyes, and giving his head a small shake to show not now. And he really didn’t want to be held right now, he realized in shock, and gently untangled himself from Logan’s arms to sit alone, untouched, against the couch that suddenly felt it was filled with rocks instead of fluff. Logan complied with a sigh, turning his attention back to the fight at Olympus.

Patton had never once in his life been happy that a movie night was over until now. As the credits began to roll, Logan stood stiffly, popping his back. The other sides were in varying states of sleep, exhausted from the day.

“It’s not healthy for you all to sleep on the floor. At least try to get yourselves to your beds,” Logan bent down and gave Patton a chaste kiss on the head, letting his hand linger on his cheek for a moment. And then he uttered the words Patton hadn’t even realized he was dreading.

“Happy birthday again, Patton. Goodnight, everyone.”

Never had Patton seen anyone wake up as fast as the other sides did as Logan froze on the steps, not expecting the commotion. Roman was the first to break the silence that followed.

“Is it-”

“Fuck.” Virgil dropped his face into his hands.

“It is. It definitely is.”

“Fuck!”

“Oh god, we’re such idiots.”

“No!” Patton interrupted, quickly putting on the biggest smile he could muster, “It’s okay, you guys! Really!”

Janus stood up slowly, as if scared moving too quickly would spook him, “Patton, why didn’t you tell us?”

“Because…” Whether the sounds that were ripped from his throat were laughs or sobs, or some weird mix in between, he’d never know, “Because you guys had other stuff to worry about! You-” He pointed to Janus and Virgil, “Had to help Thomas, and you-” To the twins, “Had that whole bonding thing planned! I wasn’t about to remind you of something you didn’t even care about in the first place!”

He slapped his hand to his mouth as soon as the words slipped out, the laugh disappearing into a horrified gasp.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.” It was barely a whisper. Patton didn’t wait to see the looks on the other’s faces. He pushed past Logan and bolted up the stairs, finally letting the tears he’d held at bay the entire day stream down his cheeks.

Usually, his “no lock on the door” invitation was meant to remind the others that he was always there for them, and they’d never meet a locked door if they needed him. However, now as he curled up facing the wall, crying freely for the first time in who knows how long, he wished there was a lock to stop whoever had just walked into his room. The side was quiet, standing in his doorway, and Patton just wished whoever it was would walk away. He didn’t want to deal with this right now, he didn’t want to look in their guilt filled eyes and listen to them apologize, because how well would that even go? He’d insist it’s okay when on the inside he feels shattered, and he wouldn’t drop it until they agreed with him, and then everyone would feel better except him and maybe a tiny, tiny, part of him was sickeningly pleased that they were upset. That realization made him want to throw up. He let out another unmuffled sob as the nausea churned in his stomach.

Patton felt the bed dip as the person sat just behind him, placing a hand hesitantly on his shoulder.

“I wish you would have told me, Patton.”

Logan.

“Th-they forgot ab-about me,” he choked out, struggling to no avail to push down the hiccupy sobs. Logan sighed. There was nothing he could say that could make the situation better. The facts were there. The sides had forgotten about Patton’s birthday, a day that Patton cherished greatly. Patton never forgot anyone, and that had not been reciprocated.

“The whole d-day, I thou-thought that it was just… just a bi-big surprise. Or that they’d rem-remember later. But they didn’t.”

Another sigh. “Patton, can you look at me?”

He rolled over slowly, letting go of the pillow he was curled around. Even in the dim light, Logan could make out the tear tracks curving down his cheeks, the redness of eyes, the look of complete and utter heartbreak. As gently as he could, he pulled on Patton’s hands until he got the message to sit up.

“I’m sorry. I truly am.”

Logan wasn’t one for emotions, or feelings, or anything of the sort. It went against all logic, afterall. But he would be lying if he said the way Patton threw himself around him and clung to him like the world was ending didn’t somehow fill in a piece of his heart that he didn’t know was missing. He’d gotten a lot of hugs from the moral side, yet this one was different. It wasn’t brought on by joy or a ‘goodnight’ or a simple need for human contact. This was so much more. It was pain and anger and raw emotion that of course Patton felt, as the heart, but never showed. Whether all of that was aimed at the others or Patton himself would be a conversation for when he wasn’t sobbing brokenly into his shoulder, in the morning when they had to face the reactions of the group.

For now, they both relished in the feeling of whatever they had, something more than friendship but again, that was a topic for tomorrow. Tonight it was just them, Patton’s twinkling fairy lights, and the star necklace trapped between their beating hearts.

#lywrites #sanders sides fanfiction #oneshot #logicality #sanderssidesfanfiction #sanders sides #sandersides #patton sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders #roman sanders #janus sanders #remus sanders #thomas sanders

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