#░ ━ ჻ a.marin「 ᵐᵉᵐᵉ 」

[leftoverfear]

"Are you scared of being hurt?" (for ashley)

                                                    if   she   had   known  about   this   sooner,     she   would   have  never   gotten   involved  with   theo.      that  was   what   she   told   herself;     that   was   what  she   had   to   assume.      she  had   gotten   involved  with   many   people  she   knew   she   never   should,     and   most   times,     it   was   in   order   to   hide   some  kind   of   secret  or   protect   her   daughter   in   some   way.     with   him,      it  wasn’t   like   that.     it   was   a   mistake   at   first,      something   inappropriate   and   frowned   upon  that   she   knew  she   shouldn’t   get   into,      yet  she   did.      but  it   wasn’t   manipulative,      and  it   wasn’t   selfish     ——      not   this  time.      it   was   REAL.      her  feelings   for   him,     though   surprising,      were  certainly   strong   and   certain.      and  it   took   her   plenty   of   time   to   get   used  to   it.      it  was   just   a   fling,      something   strictly  physical   ——      but  then   he   moved  in.      and   then  he   started   spending  the   nights   with  her,      too.      and  then   he   started  helping   her   with  things   she   would  have   tried   to   handle   on   her   own     (      and   now   that   she   was   through  it,      she   was   certain   she   would   have  failed   without   his   help.      )      and  then,   he   started  looking   after   her   daughter   too.     hanna   didn’t   understand  it   at   first     ——-      ashley   certainly  didn’t   blame   her.     but   she   got   used   to   it,      she  knew   her   mother  was   in   good  hands   despite   the   way   it   seemed.      

                                                             and   then  —-   they   got   married.   he   was   her   husband   now.     while   she   could  write   it   off   as   a   mindless   fling  before   this,      and  it   could   have  ended   easily   if   it   needed  to   or   if   it   ever  came   to   a   point   the   relationship   simply  didn’t   work,      she  couldn’t   do   that  so   easily   now.     not   only   was   divorce   such  a   heavy   experience  ——   ashley   certainly  didn’t   want   to   be   the   woman   who   went   through  husbands,      divorced   TWICE.     it   was   why   she   was   so   determined  to   make   this  relationship   work   this  time.      they   had   rushed   to   get  married   when  they   saw   it   as   a   necessity,      but  her   heart   told  her   it   was   the   right  decision.      she   loved  him,      and   she   genuinely   believed  she   belonged   with  him.      he   could  protect   her   and   her   daughter,      and  the   latter   was   something   she   needed   more  than   anything.      she  couldn’t   foresee   anything  getting   in   the   way.

                                                  and   she   certainly   didn’t  expect   this.      a  supernatural   creature,     both   a   wolf  and   a   coyote?     that   wasn’t   real.     in   her   world,     supernatural   creatures   were  nothing   but   myths  and   of   stories,     not   real   ——     certainly   not   the   kind   that  live   in   your  house   and   kiss  you   goodnight.      not  the   kind   tied  to   the   ring  around   your   finger.     if   this   hadn’t  gone   so   far,     this   might   have  been   a   deal  breaker.      it   should  have   been      (     and   part   of   her   wondered  if   it   still  should   be,      even  if   they   were  married.      )      was  this   going   to   ruin   her   family?      was  his   past   going  to   catch   up   to   him,     was   he   going  to   find   himself  in   some   kind  of   danger,      or  was   he   going  to   leave   to   run   wild  in   the   forest  as   he   had   been   before  he   met   her   and   she   took   him   in?      her  family   had   to   come   first,     and   if   they  were   in   danger,     even   if   not   by  him,      she  had   to   get   him   out   of   here.     she   had   to   know   he   wasn’t   going  to   cause   problems  for   them.      but  also   ——      she  wanted   to   continue  on   with   the   life   she   was   building  with   him.      she  wanted   to   be   happy   and   in   love  and   not   worry  about   the   rest.     she   didn’t   want  to   talk   about  it   at   all.     the   supernatural   side  of   him   was   something   she   refused   to   acknowledge;      it  was   the   only  way   she   could   feel  like   this   wasn’t  a   bad   idea.  it   was   the   only   way   she   felt  like   she   knew  what   kind   of   relationship   she   was   in.

                                                  ❛      do  i   need   to   be?      ❜     she   asked,      expression   stern  as   she   remained  on   the   other  side   of   the   island   from  him,      keeping   her   distance   until  this   was   all   settled.      ❛     are   hanna   and   i   at   risk?      ❜     she   knew   he   wouldn’t   hurt  them,      and   she   knew   that  she   felt   safer  with   him   than  anyone   else   she   had   ever  been   with,      so  that   wasn’t   the   problem.      ❛     are   YOU   in   danger?      ❜     that   was   important  too.      she   didn’t  want   to   risk  losing   him.      ❛     is   this   how     ——-         you   always  get   your   way?     how   you   always  find   a   way   around   things?     you   use   .   .   .   this?   ❜     she   closed   her   eyes,      taking  a   deep   breath  as   she   quickly  shook   her   head.     no,      she   didn’t  want   to   know.     she   didn’t   want  to   know   anything  about   it.      she  had   to   be   strong   about  this   for   her   family.      ❛     hanna   doesn’t   find  out   about   this,     ❜      she   insisted.      they  had   just   gotten  hanna   on   board  with   their   relationship,      they  didn’t   need   to   throw   something  else   in   the   mix.      and  while   she   was   very  strict   about   she   and   her   daughter   not   lying   to   each   other,     this   was   something  she   didn’t   want  to   know   herself.     she   refused   to   let   this  be   a   burden.     ❛      and   you   don’t   talk  to   me   about  it   either.      not  unless   you’re   hurt  or   you’re   in   trouble.      then,     i’ll   make   sure  you’re   okay,      i’ll  take   care   of   you.   ❜     that   was   what  she   had   vowed  to   do.      ❛     but   ——      sweetheart,         i   don’t  want   to   know  about   this   side  of   you.   i   understand   it’s  nothing   you   can   change,      and  i   don’t   want  you   to   change  anything   about   yourself,      but  i’d   prefer   that  you   and   i   remain   strictly  on   your   human  side.      that   goes  for   this   whole  house   ——   there   will   be   no   .   .   .      wolfing  out   here,      ❜     she   insisted,      taking  a   deep   breath  and   quickly   changing  her   demeanor      (     it   was   always  a   quick   change  whenever   she   wanted  so   desperately   to   avoid   a   topic,      she  would   pretend   it   didn’t   matter  and   move   on.     )         ❛            —-      dinner  will   be   ready  soon.      hanna’s   inviting  caleb   over,      so  set   an   extra  plate   out.      i  need   to   get   the   potatoes  ready.    ❜

▐░▒                                                 @nctafailure

[leftoverfear]

"I didn't tell anyone, I swear!" (for ashley or hermione)

                                         her  hand  shook  as  she  clutched  the  phone  tightly  in  front  of  her,      a  message  that  read    ‘  does  your  daughter  know  her  lab  partner  is  a  momma’s  boy?   -    a  ‘    on  the  screen.      it  was  enough  to  make  her  sick  to  her  stomach,    and  it  wasn’t  just  the  the  thought  of  someone  knowing  that  she  and  theo  were  involved  with  one  another.    it  was  the  wording  of  the  text  in  general,    and  the  idea  that  someone  had  gone  out  of  their  way  to  call  them  out  for  what  they  were  doing.    if  they  were  trying  to  get  into  her  head  about  what  she  was  doing  and  what  her  daughter  would  think  of  it,      it  was  a good  route to  take.    it  was  working.      

                                       the  last  thing  she  wanted  to  do  was  embarrass  hanna.    that  was  the  a  big  reason it  was  so  important  to  keep  things  between  them  hidden.      but  there  was  more  than  that.    rosewood  was  a  small  town,    and  ashley  had  always  been  cautious  of  the  way  she  and  her  family  were  perceived.      that  meant  that  if  hanna  did  something  wrong,    she  was  quick  to  try  to  cover  it  up,    even  if  it  meant  going  to great  lengths to  do  so.      theo  was  not  only  of  age,    but  he  was  much  more  mature  than  the  men  she  had  seen  before    (   certainly more  mature than  wilden,      definitely  much  more  mature  than  tom  ever  was.      )      she  was  comfortable  seeing  him  because  he  gave  her  no  reason  to  believe  he  was  too  young.      in  theory,    he  was.      but  he  didn’t  treat  her as  if  he  was  a  child.    he  treated  her  as  if  he  was  an  adult  and  a  companion  that  she  could  count  on.  

                                         ❛     someone  knows,    theo.    ❜    her  words  were  strict  as  she  stared  back  at  him,    still  holding  the  phone  up  as  if  she  didn’t  know  how  to  let  go  of  it  or  set  it  down.    she  was  furious  and  terrified,    both  feelings  that  could  consume  her  if  she  found  no  solution  to  the  problem  at  hand.      ❛      i  didn’t  send  this  to  myself,    and  i  haven’t  told  anyone,    so  how  could  this  happen?    ❜    her  words  were  much  more  frantic  now,    clearly  SCARED  of  what  this  could  mean  and  desperate  to  do  anything  she  could  to  stop  it.     ❛    what  the  hell  are  we  going  to  do?      and  don’t  say  you’ll take  care  of  it,    and  don’t  say  i  shouldn’t  worry,   and  don’t  say  you  can  handle  this.   ❜      she  was  used  to  him  taking  care  of  everything  by  now.      this  was  something  she  was  afraid  she  couldn’t  put  into  his  hands,    especially  if  he  didn’t  tell  anyone.    

                                         ❛    this  is  real,   love,    and  it’s  already  happened.   if  you  didn’t  tell  someone,    then    ——    then  we’re  not  being  careful  enough.    ❜      or  maybe  someone  was  just  making  something  out  of  nothing,   simply  focusing  on  the  fact  that  there  was  a  young  man  living  in  her  house  not  dating  her  daughter  or  her.    it  could  easily  just  be  a  way  to  get  inside  her  head.    but  given  the  circumstances,    given  the  fact  that  they  were  involved,    she  couldn’t  rely  on  that  being  the  truth.      whoever  this anonymous  sender  was  hit  her  where  it  hurt,    and  now  she  was  suffering  from  it.    ❛    we  need  a  plan.      and  i  think  that  plan  has  to  include  us    ———-   keeping  some  distance between  us.      at  least  for  a  while,  ❜      she  suggested,    taking  a  deep  breath  as  she  finally  moved  her  hand  down  to  set  her  phone  on  the  table.    ❛    i    .    .    .      don’t  want  to.      but  if  this  gets  out,    you  know  what  that  means  for  us.    ❜    it  meant  the  end,      or  at  least  that’s  what  she  thought  it  would  mean.    she  didn’t  know  any  better  right  now.      ❛    so  we  need  to  be  careful.      and  we  need  to figure  out who  the  hell  sent  me  this,    ❜    she  insisted.    

 ▐░▒                                                 @nctafailure

[leftoverfear]

“&” for a LOVING text. (for ashley)

TEXT   ❱   T  ┊    you  have  a  free  period  this  afternoon,     don’t  you?     i  was  thinking  i’d  wait  to  take  my  lunch  break  until  then.      i  was  hoping  to  see  you  before  the  end  of  the  day  since  we  didn’t  get  a  chance  to  talk  this  morning  before  i  left.      nothing’s  wrong,    everything’s  fine   —–     i  suppose  i  just  miss  you.      i  know  tonight  will  be  busy  with  hanna,     so  i  wanted  to  get  my  time  in  with  you  while  i  can.      let  me  know,    xo.   

░▒                                                   @nctafailure

[leftoverfear]

“ you’re the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen ” (for ashley)

                                                               this   weekend   was   more   than  just   a   chance  to   get   away  for   a   while,            and   it   was   more  than   just   an   easy   opportunity  to   get   to   hook   up   with   theo  whenever   she   wanted.            it  was   a   chance  to   really   spend  time   with   him     —–         to   have  a   conversation   with  him   without   feeling  like   she   had   to   keep  her   voice   quiet  or   thinking   she   should   stick  strictly   to   appropriate  conversation.            theo   was   someone   she   had   come  to   rely   on,          someone   she   found   herself  enjoying   far   too   much.            but   even  if   this   started  as   something   she   thought   she   couldn’t   dwell  on,               she   was   beginning   to   think   it   might   be   okay   to   delve   in   a   little  deeper.            she   wanted  to   get   to   know   him   better,            and   she   wanted   to   open   up   to   him   too.               she   wanted  this   weekend   to   be   about  getting   CLOSER.            and   she   certainly   had   no   plans   to   remain   clothed.  

                                                             the   event   was   picked   strategically.            most   of   their   relationship   had   been   sneaking  around   the   house  and   in   her   office,            never   out   in   public.            it  was   something   she   was   starting  to   miss,            and   though  she   thought   it   didn’t   matter  to   her,            she   was   beginning   to   think   it   was   necessary  in   a   blossoming  relationship.         that   was   what   she   thought   this  was.            it   was   what   she   WANTED   it   to   be        (         against   all   her   previous  thoughts.         )               but   she   wanted   to   go   all   out      —–         a  fancy   grown,         hair  and   make   up   done   professionally,            everything   done  up   well   in   hopes   to   impress   the   man   she   was   seeing.            and   she   had   done  the   same   for   him,            setting   him   up   with  a   tailor   and   getting   him   the   perfect  fitting   suit.         she  already   looked   at   him   as   a   man,            as  someone   far   more  mature   than   most  his   age.            if  she   didn’t   know  any   better,            she   certainly  would   have   thought  he   was   at   least   ten   years   older  than   he   was.            he  had   a   maturity  that   ashley   barely  saw   in   men   her   own   age.         it  was   refreshing,         and  she   refused   to   let   go   of   it.           seeing   him   in   this  suit   was   just  going   to   help  that   thought.  

                                                             she   was   caught  off   guard   by   his   words,            holding   her   breath   without  even   noticing   it   as   she   looked   back  at   him.         her  eyes   were   caught  on   his   as   she   processed  his   words,            completely   forgetting  about   his   own   attire   momentarily.            she   let   out   the   breath,               her   lips  curling   into   a   smile   as   she   nodded  her   head   back  at   him.                  ❛         the  MOST   beautiful?      ❜               she   asked,            brow   raising  as   she   slowly  took   a   few   steps   closer  to   him,            heels   clicking  against   the   floor  with   each   step.            ❛         oh,         i’m  not,            i   just     —–         wanted   to   look   nice.               i   wanted  this   to   be   special   for   you.         ❜               a   curl  hung   in   front  of   her   face,        and   she   moved  it   out   of   the   way   as   she   finally   looked  down   his   body.            he  looked   much   better  than   she   had   been   imagining,            and   it   was   clear  by   he   expression  that   she   was   certainly   surprised         —–         and  definitely   grateful.               ❛      you  look      —–      ❜                     she   let   out   a   small  laugh,               arms   held  out   as   she   shook   her   head.               she   took  a   few   steps  closer,            hands   finding  the   opening   of   his   suit  jacket   to   hold  onto   gently.            ❛            you   look  incredible,            love.               i   didn’t  realize   the   house  boy   could   clean  himself   up   so   well.            it’s   a   good   thing  you’re   not   living  in   the   woods  anymore      —–            this   suit  isn’t   made   for   the   dirty  ground.      ❜                     she   paused,               lips   curving  into   a   smirk.               ❛      —-         a  hotel   floor?            maybe,         ❜                     she   added,               tugging   him   in   closer  to   her   as   she   leaned  in   to   press  a   slow      kiss  to   his   lips.

                                                             she   almost   didn’t  want   to   pull   away.            it  was   all   too   tempting   just  to   keep   kissing  him,            to   keep  pushing   it   farther  until   they   were  on   the   kitchen  floor   as   they  had   found   themselves  time   and   time  again   before.            but   that  was   what   this  weekend   was   all   about      —–         they  had   all   the   time   in   the   world  to   be   as   reckless   as   they   wanted.            right   now,        it   was   about  their   date.            it   was   about  going   out   as   a   couple  and   showing   each  other   off   to   the   world,            like   she   had   been  craving   for   weeks  now.               her   lips  pulled   away   from  him   slowly,               her   eyes  remaining   closed   for   a   few   moments   before  she   spoke.                  ❛         —-         most  beautiful?         ❜                  she   repeated  again,               clearly   still  stunned   by   his   choice   of   words   as   she   smiled  warmly   back   at   him.               ❛         if  you’re   looking   to   get   some  kind   of   prize  for   your   smooth  talk,            then         ——         you  might   just   be   in   luck.               i   have  quite   the   weekend  planned   for   you,            ❜                  she   taunted,          her   hands  sliding   down   his   chest   as   she   smiled  down   at   him.               ❛            you’re   a   very   handsome  man,         mr.      raeken.            i’m   so   happy   to   call   you   mine,            especially   tonight,         ❜                  she   whispered,            leaning   in   to   leave  a   brief   kiss  to   his   cheek  before   pulling   back  again.              

                                                             ❛            okay,         our   driver  is   waiting   for   us,            we  better   go.         you  packed   everything   you   need?         ❜                     of   course,               she   didn’t  pack   all   that  much.            she   had   every   intention  of   staying   in   as   much  as   possible   once  they   were   back  to   the   hotel  after   their   outing  tonight,            and   she   was   sure  he   was   well  aware   of   that  too.

░▒                                                  @nctafailure

[leftoverfear]

“i can’t breathe, i can’t –”

                                                        she  lifted  her  hand  back  as  quickly  as  she  had  placed  it  on  his  chest.        the  warm,      calming  nature  that  was  once  written  in  her  eyes  was  now  one  of  shock  and  fear  as  she  saw  how  he  had  reacted  to  the  touch.       it  was  usually easy  with  him    —–        they   were  comfortable  enough with  one  another,        hands   always  on  the  other  in  some  form  or  another.        and it  was  instinct  for  ashley  to  place  her  hand  against her  man’s  chest  as  she  leaned  into  him.        since   it  never  seemed to  be  a  problem  for  him  recently,     she  never  thought   anything  of  it  until  now.        she wasn’t  even  convinced   that  it  was  the  specific   touch  at  all  that  set  him  off.       she  could  only  assume  it  was  any  touch  in  general,        clearly he  was  on  edge  about  something  she  was  unaware  of  in  the  moment.

                                                               ❛      theo      ——      i  didn’t  mean  to    .     .    .        ❜          didn’t  mean  to  what?         she  wasn’t  sure  what  had  happened  to  him  or  what  she  could  have  done  to  avoid  it.     there  was  a  whole  other  world  theo  was  living  in  that  ashley  had  no  clue  about.      and as  close  as  she  thought she  was  to  him,        she  was  far  off.       her  apology  wasn’t what  was  important  right  now;        what mattered  was  calming him  down  and  making  him  comfortable  again.       quickly  getting  up  from  her  seat  next  to  him,     she  moved  over  to  the  sink  to  grab  him  a  drink  of  water.          she  rushed  back  over  to  him,       setting  it  next  to  him  for  whenever   he  could  handle it.         

                                                      ❛        it’s  okay,       hunny,        i’m  here.       i’m  right  here.       i’m  with  you,     ❜        she  said,       doing  her  best  to  speak  clearly  as  she  moved  to  sit  in  front  of  him.       her  hands  reached out,        but  she  didn’t  touch  him          (        she still  feared  that  her  touch  was  what  set  him  off  to  begin  with.     )        she  would  do  anything not  to  make  this  WORSE  for  him.       taking  a  deep  breath,        she   hoped  he  would  follow  her  lead.          ❛        breathe,        theo.          deep  breath  in,        deep  breath  out.      ❜         it  wasn’t  unusual for  her  to  try  to  help  someone out  of  something like  this.          her daughter  had  been  through  much  more  strife  than  anyone  her  age  should   ever  see  in  their  life  time.        still,        she   always  felt  powerless when  she  was  trying  to  help  her  daughter      —–        like   she  could  never  be  enough   to  get  her  through  it,       or  that  there  was  no  way  to  protect  her  from  everything.        maybe that  was  true,       but  she  was  so  tired  of  being  powerless.          all she  wanted  was  to  be  something  the  people  she  cared  about  NEEDED.

                            and  she  cared  about  theo.

                                                      much  more  than  she  ever  planned  to    —–      he had  become  someone she  genuinely  trusted  and  relied  on.       they  were  TOGETHER,     not  in  a  way  that  was  casual or  in  a  way  that  was  all  for  fun.       it  was  so  much  more  than  that.       she  looked  towards   her  future  and  saw  him  there  with  her    ——   as  much  as  her  mind  was  telling her  that  was  a  bad  idea.        but   they  had  already  been  through  so  much  together        (       he  was  the  reason  she  wasn’t  in  PRISON  for  life.      )         and  now  he  lived  with  her,        whether or  not  he  was  allowed to  sleep  in  her  room.       he  was  here.       he  was  a  CONSTANT  in  her  life  she  refused  to  let  go  of  now.  

                                                      ❛        think  about  something  CALM.     your  mind  is  not  here  right  now,     ❜          she  told  him,        sensing   that  whatever  was  going  on  in  his  mind  was  now  consuming  all  of  his  thoughts  and  his  actions.        she took  another  deep  breath  in  and  out  to  try  to  convince  him  to  do  the  same.       ❛      you’re  at  ashley’s.        you’re    —–     ❜          she  paused,       gulping.            ❛        you’re  home.         this  is  your  home.      ❜         it  was.        she had  no  intentions of  kicking  him  out  anytime   soon.        she  liked  having  him  here.        she  felt  safe,        she felt  like  she  was  never  going  to  find  herself in  a  situation like  she  was  just  weeks  ago.        and she  felt  like  her  daughter   was  safe  too,       and  that  was  more  important than  anything.        he was  exactly  the  kind  of  man  of  the  house  she  had  always  wanted.

                                             ❛        you’re  at  home    ——-     it’s  okay.        nothing bad  is  happening to  you.        you’re with  me,          your girlfriend,      ❜          she said,        closing  her  eyes  briefly as  she  hoped  anything  she  was  saying was  WORKING.          ❛     can  you  talk  to  me?       can  you  look  at  me?         i’m  not  trying to  hurt  you.     you  don’t  have  to  worry  about  me  or  anyone  here  or  anything.          i’m just  here  to  take  care  of  you,     ❜            she  assured him,          head  dipping slightly  in  hopes  to  get  in  front  of  his  stare.        ❛      hunny,        you’re going  to  be  okay.        you’re going  to  get  through  this.       i’m  not  leaving you.    ❜

▐░▒                                                      @nctafailure

[leftoverfear]

“some things are better left alone but thanks for your concern.” (for ashley)

                                                 she didn’t want it to be that way.       she wanted a way she could always ensure his safety and to HELP HIM if he was ever having any trouble.        she didn’t know enough about him,     and maybe that was part of the problem.        this had all started so quickly,    and there were so many reasons they shouldn’t delve into it    ——     yet she couldn’t help herself,     and the boy was as persuasive as anyone who could take advantage of just how naive ashley could be.        it had become much  more than her having a little FUN and relaxing    (    as theo had always pushed for.    )       it had become a necessity in her life.       she relied on theo far too much,      even she knew she was pushing too many of her own boundaries.      she falling for him,      but how was that fair?      she didn’t know him.      she didn’t know enough about him to even feel the things she did   —–    yet her heart seemed to race whenever he entered the room,      and she knew it wasn’t just from the excitement of it all.       it wasn’t because of the secret they held,     and it wasn’t because she was scared of it all unraveling.      it was because this was a man she genuinely felt comfortable with.       and more than that,      she felt SAFE.      that was something so difficult for her to find lately   —–     every guy she had been with had only hurt her in some way or used her for their own pleasures     (     she didn’t think theo was that way.      she didn’t want him to be.    )

                                                      ❛    some things aren’t,    ❜       she responded,     offering a small shrug of her shoulders as she stepped closer to him,     hands reaching for his and holding them both loosely in hers.         ❛    it’s more than just concern,     theo   —–    you’re living under my roof.       you and i,       we’re involved.   ❜            that seemed to be the easiest way to put it.       she didn’t know how else to label it.       she couldn’t call him her boyfriend;      she wasn’t even sure if that was what she was looking for.      and if it was,     she certainly couldn’t look for it in a high school student,      even if he was of age and clearly much more advanced than any of his peers.       ❛     i care about you.   ❜         that hadn’t been a secret.       ❛     i want to know that you’re okay,      that i’m doing everything i can to help you    —–     with whatever is going on,    ❜      she insisted,      taking a deep breath as she stepped closer again.      one hand left his to move up to his cheek,     thumb brushing against his jaw lightly.       ❛     i don’t think it’s going to be easy for me to leave you alone.      this thing between us is much BIGGER than i imagined it to be.      i need to know what i can do for you.  ❜          she couldn’t simply drop it.      she wanted to be there for him;      she wanted to show her love in a more acceptable manner than speaking the words.

                                                                                                @nctafailure.

[leftoverfear]

“why didn’t you tell me?” (for ashley)

                                                             she  hadn’t   been  expecting   tom,            not   that  it   would   ever  stop   him   from  showing   up   before.            this   just  happened   sometimes,            and   it  was   always   okay  with   her.            even   if  she   had   fallen  out   of   love  with   him,         they  always   seemed   to  find   their   way  back   to   each  other         ——-            stuck   on  old   habits,            fooling   around  with   one   another  as   if   it  was   normal.            but   it  was   never   okay,            yet   ashley  never   found   a  way   to   stop  herself   from   making  that   bad   mistake.            this   time,            she   didn’t  know   why   he  was   here,            and   she  didn’t   have   a  good   excuse   as  to   why   she  couldn’t   be   with  him.                     (         he  couldn’t   sleep   in  her   bed.            they   couldn’t  pretend   that   all  was   well   and  play   as   if   their   relationship   never  ended.         )      

                                           ashley   was   in  a   relationship.         hanna  didn’t   know   that,        her   friends   didn’t  know   that,            she   wasn’t  even   sure   theo  knew   that.         it  didn’t   matter      —–         whether   or  not   this   started  out   as   just  a   fling,         it  had   become   something  MORE.            she   cared  about   theo   and  wanted   the   best  for   him.         in  the   beginning,            it  was   the   kind  of   care   that  she   was   simply  just   looking   out  for   him,            but   her  fondness   of   him  grew.            he   started  supporting   her   more  than   she   ever  expected   him   to,          even   when  she   knew   it  was   best   that  he   didn’t.            she   counted  on   him,            she   relied  on   him,            and   her  feelings   for   him  now   were   far  past   the   point  of   no   return.  

                          she   couldn’t   fall  back   into   old  patterns   with   tom.            she   was  with   theo   now.  

                                                           but   how   do  you   tell   your  ex   husband   that  there’s   an   eighteen  year   old   homeless  boy   living   in  your   basement   where   you  sneak   down   to  each   night   to  kiss   him   goodnight?

                             she   wasn’t   concerned  about   what   was  going   on   with  tom.         she   was  only   concerned   about  what   was   going  through   theo’s   head.            she   didn’t  want   him   to  think   that   she  had   invited   him  here   or   that  she   was   getting  back   together   with  him,               or   anything  that   he   probably  wasn’t   concerned   about  at   all,            but   ashley’s  mind   was   in  overdrive   worrying   about  anything   that   could  possibly   go   wrong.            something   always  went   wrong   when  tom   was   here,        and   it   was  too   often   her  fault.            she   didn’t  want   that   to  happen   this   time,            not   when  she   had   something  to   lose.

                                                    ❛            i         —-         i  didn’t   because   there  wasn’t   anything   to  tell,               theo,            ❜                  she   spoke   calmly,            as  opposed   to   how  she   felt   with  her   head   and  her   heart   racing.            ❛         i  didn’t   know   he  was   coming.            he  does   this   sometimes,            when   he  and   isabel      —–         i  mean,            his   wife        —–         when   they  fight.               but   it’s  different   this   time,            i’ve   never  been   involved   with  someone   when   he  came   to   visit.            i  AM   now.            he’s  going   to   have  to   deal   with  that.         ❜

                             one   hand   reached  for   his,            the   other  moving   over   the  back   of   his  hand   to   rest  on   it.               ❛         if  anything,            he’ll   be  gone   in   a  few   days.            we’ll   just  have   to   deal  with   him   while  he’s   here.         but      ——         that  doesn’t   mean   we’ll  have   to   suffer,     ❜                  she   told  him,            a   smile  curving   on   her  lips   as   she  took   a   step  closer   to   him.            the   hand  over   top   of  his   moved   to  his   forehead,            fingers   brushing  his   hair   back  slightly.               ❛         he  drives   me   crazy  sometimes,               you   know.        ❜               remembering   all  the   bad   things  he   had   put  her   head   through  often   dragged   her  down.               ❛            so  i’m   going   to  need   a   distraction  from   it   all.            think   you  can   take   care  of   me,            hun?         ❜                  she   asked,            leaning   forward  to   press   her  lips   to   his  cheek.               ❛            because   i  know   i   can  take   care   of  you,         ❜               she   whispered,            her   lips  brushing   against   his  jaw   before   pulling  back.              

                                                           ❛            now      —–         we’re  having   dinner   tonight.            you’re   invited,            you   live  here.            but   one   thing,            ❜                  she   started,            tilting   her  head   up   slightly.                  ❛         sit  next   to   me.            i’ll   need  you   there   next  to   me,            okay?            make   sure  we   can   make  that   happen.            i  don’t   care   what  it   takes      —–         find  a   way.      ❜               she   needed  a   hand   to  hold.            she   needed  someone   next   to  her   to   exchange  a   look   with  every   now   and  then   just   to  find   some   sort  of   calmness.            theo   always  did   that   for  her.