#“maybe i'm misinterpreting them and getting worked up over nothing” i'm gonna THROW UP!

[blackat-t7t]

I went back and forth a lot on whether to put this in a reblog of that poll about likes and reblogs that's going around. Ultimately I decided not to, because really it's about something that post isn't actually saying, just that other people in the larger conversion about likes and reblogs have said.

I don't really see this IN posts of art and fic, but when posts made solely to encourage people to reblog come around, they often include someone in the chain saying something along the lines of:

"Likes are WORTHLESS!" or "Likes MEAN NOTHING!"

And I think, a real person saw your work and liked it. They told you they liked it, even if they told you through a button built into the site. Is that really worthless?

And I guess seeing that opinion just makes me feel kind of small and pathetic and sad, both as a creator and a viewer.

Please don't misunderstand! I'm not trying to say "creators should be grateful for whatever scraps viewers give them"! And, as a creator, I'm not trying to act "more grateful than thou", or flaunt my own humility in appreciating scraps!

I'm saying "are likes really just scraps?"

I consider myself a creator, but the truth is I don't make many of my own posts, or post a lot of fic, comparatively. I don't get a lot of engagement, not just because of the current state of fandom, but because I just don't have much TO engage with. So when I get a notification "[someone] liked your post", and I see that the truly liked MY post, not just something I reblogged, I get a little thrill.

Hearing that the thing I get so excited over, is something other creators disregard entirely, makes me feel kind of pathetic.

And as a viewer, hearing "likes are worthless, only reblogs matter"-- well, creators (myself included!) often say that we want to connect with people through our works. Hearing that my liking something, my saying I enjoyed it, is worthless and all that matters is whether I help spread it by reblogging- it makes me feel like creators, many of whom I admire, aren't interested in connecting with me.

IDK, maybe I'm just making this about me when it shouldn't be, especially in that last part. If people really believe that someone enjoying their work is worthless if they don't enjoy it enough to reblog- I guess that's their right. It's not my place to tell them how to feel about their work and how it's received.

I don't know. Like I said, the whole thing just makes me feel small. And pathetic. And sad.

Who knows. Maybe I'm misinterpreting everything and people are saying "WITHIN THE STRICT CONTEXT OF HOW TO GET MORE VIEWS, likes mean nothing, because there is no algorithm", and I'm getting worked up over nothing.

I'm just not sure anymore. I feel wrung out, and I just want to post this and be done with it.

Please don't take the things I've said here in bad faith.

[sourbinnie]

Hi omg I just came across ur page, I loved your recent it was so cute & now I’m dying for more comfort Hyunjin.

Can I request reader being on her period so she’s rlly irritable and then Hyunjin comes home saying he has a stomach ache and she thinks he’s just joking around so she just ignores him but then later realizes he’s being serious when he doesn’t eat dinner n feels sick so she feels bad and takes care of him.

title -> misinterpreted pair -> hyunjin x fem!reader genre -> hurt/comfort + fluff warnings -> mentions of periods + mentions of food + cursing a/n: yall i think im a sucker for hurt/comfort jinnie, thank you for you request! <3 it came out shorter than i expected but i still hope you like it ¡! :(

as if the day couldn't get more annoying, periods happen. ok, it's not like i had a lot on my plate but there's no worse sensation than your uterus kicking you like you deserve it. it was painful, annoying and overall made me feel like complete garbage. i carried through work like i could, continuing with my day like i wasn't suffering every step of the way. getting home was a task too but i managed through it and decided to throw myself on the bed, trying every single position to see if it would make the pain go away. 

i know i wasn't the easiest to deal with when i was like this but i was hoping hyunjin would understand. 

speaking of him, he was just about to come in through the door every minute now and the things that i usually get ready for him, are not there. like i said, i hope he understands that it's not my best day and he can get them on his own. i know practice must've been a lot and i truly wish he would take care of himself better.

"(y/n)?" i hear my name being called out and i don't even have the strength to get up. feels like the weight is pulling me down again. i manage to do so in a few tries but everything still spins and hurts around me. "missed you baby." he says when he sees me and gives me a hug which i have to retract because of the tightness of it all. he looks at me confused which i have to explain.

"i'm on my period and everything sucks right now." i say calmly but dying on the inside. "i'm sorry if i'm gonna be a bitch to you at any moment but right now i just need to rest."

"oh, that's okay i actually had like a stomach ache through the whole day so i get it." and i just sigh 'cause i knew he was messing with me. he always likes to do that and even with the confused look on his face, i wouldn't fall for it at all. i decided to not linger on it and go to our room to get my sweet sleep as much as i wanted to stay and cuddle with my boyfriend, i knew it would only bring pain and uncomfortability.

✉ ✉ ✉ 

getting up and being met by the moon in the night sky was not my plan all along. hyunjin was by my side, he didn't even try to cuddle with me which i thanked for but he looked a little odd. i couldn't place my finger on what it was but i had to get up and make dinner before it was too late. as i tried to concentrate in the cooking and not the pain (again), i tried to place my finger around what was going on with my boyfriend. 

could it be that things didn't go well today? but he didn't look mad or sad. he also didn't say anything about the boys (usually there's one or two comments about felix). maybe he was just tired and didn't need me on top of his business and i was just panicking over nothing.

"babe?" he asked, snapping me out of my thoughts and there was definitely something going on. he looked pale but at the same time it looked like he had a run a marathon with all the sweat and i was starting to see things better. "oh no, jagi i love your cooking but i think i'll pass today."

i placed the dinner on the table and i looked at him. he never passed on my cooking so something 100% was off today and what did i miss? as i got close to him i tried to repeat our conversation today. my hand went directly to his forehead and as everything started to make sense with him burning up, i said.

"fuck you weren't lying, you truly had a stomach ache." i felt like crying right then and there. even if i felt terrible, i still would do anything to take care of hyunjin. it hurt that i put myself first when he was hurting just as much as me. i didn't want to cry though, this was my chance to make it better unless he hated me at this very moment and didn't want me to do anything and-

"you're thinking too much and yes i did or i still do. i don't know, everything's kinda of spinning and i think i might have a fever." he said and i immediately sat him down as i looked for the termometer. thinking of every remedy and healing technique i went through my entire life as i came back and made him open his mouth. 

"i'm sorry jinnie. i should've been more careful and paid more attention to your words." i said and he wanted to say something but i stopped him. "nuh uh no moving! also i'm gonna tell the boys you're not going tomorrow." that's when he also wanted to protest but i took the termometer out and checked. 

"so? do i have a fever?" he said and i nodded as he responded with a sigh. "i can't miss practice when we're learning a new choreo though, babe you know how it is".

"but you also can't practice if you're basically running a fever and feeling dizzy, what if you pass out?" i said and i could see that he was seeing my point. "just let me text chan and then i'll have all the time in the world for you."

"but what if you get sick too?" he pouted and i just smiled because even in the sickness of it all, he still cared about me. he really was the sweetest guy i've ever met.

"if i get sick, i get sick baby, there's nothing bad about it plus i get to spend time with my favorite person." i said laying him on my lap as i messed with his hair and caressed his cheek.

he eventually fell asleep and i just couldn't stop looking at him. i decided to slowly get up without disturbing him, then i would call work and tell them that i would be taking the day off to spend it with my loved one 'cause it's what he deserved.

[eunoiaflow3r]

not ur friend

spencer reid x reader

aaron hotchner x reader

part two - part three

a/n: haven’t written for spence in a while lol. hope you guys like it. wow...and i wrote him as an ass. bahahaha what am i going through i’m so sorry.

warning(s): language. angst. not proofread. will be mistakes.

word count: 1.8k

request(ed): no.

summary: y/n overhears something she shouldn’t have. this conversation alters her relationship.

not ur friend by jeremy zucker.

———————-——————&————————————

Hang up, if you ever think of calling me up. Not afraid to say it, darling.

3 days.

It’s been an entire weekend of you ignoring Spencer and his ever intruding phone calls. This wouldn’t have been a big deal except for the fact that this felt like a breakup. Your head and heart was treating this like you were in a relationship and he made it painfully clear that you weren’t.

It was quiet in your apartment. The television was off, the radio was silent, the heater had paused and even the refrigerator wasn’t making the usual silent buzz noise it made. The deafness of it all allowed the conversation you heard friday night play over and over again through your ached head.

Friday 11:37 pm.

“So Reid...” you picked up your phone when it rang and read Spencer’s name across the screen. It wasn’t like him to call so late but you picked up anyway. When it was a muffled Morgan’s voice you heard instead of Spencer’s you realized he hadn’t even meant to call you at all.

“How’s your girlfriend?”

You just knew all eyes were on him. Spencer Reid was very private about his social life. It was rare he even told you about anything he’d been up to. He just wasn’t one for small talk. The fact that you just knew they were talking about you made you press your phone harder into your ear even though you weren’t even sure you should have been listening.

“Oh y/n? Yeah she’s definitely not my girlfriend.”

This stung. There wasn’t even a label or anything that you guys put on it, but usually when Spencer would talk about his romantic relationships he’d get nervous and stuttery and try to change the subject. Spencer’s voice was clear and steady. Zero hints of nervousness and bashfulness. He was serious.

“Really?” This was Emily now, you could recognize her voice. “You guys seem like pretty close friends if you know what I mean.” Her tone was laced with humor but Spencer’s was far from joking.

“No. I wouldn’t call us friends either. She’s just someone I visit. Like y’know...how you would a grandmother.”

A grandmother? He compared you to a grandmother? He said visiting you was like visiting a grandmother?? You could feel the tears in your eyes. You really thought Spencer was a good guy. Why would he say something so rude? Something so hurtful about the person he was sleeping with.

It wasn’t a friends with benefits. You guys had agreed on that, but you weren’t dating either. You had met him at a museum and ever since then you two had behaved as if a couple would. The only difference was that you weren’t public. You weren’t posting pictures, or gushing over how cute you thought your “boyfriend” was to your friends. And you were fine with that. Labels are constricting. You were glad not to have them except when he decided to say he barely knew you at all and compared you to a grandmother.

“Damn.” Morgan sounded impressed. “Does she know that?”

“Maybe.” Spencer paused. “There’s nothing really romantic about our relationship. To be honest, she can be a bit needy at times and it’s suffocating.”

He paused again.

“I’m actually thinking of breaking things off. She wants more and I just don’t like her that way.”

Sorry, I'm not sorry if it hurts. I don’t mean to make it worse.

This is where you hung up. Your tears never stopped flowing. How dare he? How dare he say you were needy and suffocating? You rarely asked him for anything, and didn’t bother him with things at all. You knew he was a busy person. A busy and hardworking person. You never tried to ask him for more than he was willing to give. Ever. It hurt your heart to think he was playing you the whole time.

It hurt to think that all the “I adore you’s” and “I think I’m in love with you’s” were all fake. You were pretty sure with the way things were headed that you and Spencer would have much more than just a relationship. Much more than sex and cuddles. But a meaning - an understanding.

Spencer was your comfort. Your safe place. The person you’d go to if you were hurting, or in trouble. You were his. Countless times he came to your house and cried to you about the stress from his job. He’d hold you and tell you all about his day and what more he wished he could have done.

You’d buy him his favorite food and he’d cuddle you to sleep only to wake you up in the morning with kisses and great morning sex. To hear all of that meant basically nothing to him tore your heart to pieces.

It made you want to throw up. Had you wasted your time? Had he felt this way the entire time and you just never noticed because you hoped he felt the same? Were there signs that you missed? Something you could have done to prevent yourself from falling this hard for someone who didn’t care?

But you thought he cared.

Spencer was the most caring, empathetic person you’d ever met in your life. He was so understanding in a way no one could ever get.

I've decided that I'm not your fucking friend.

This is why you thought that maybe this is why he tried to hide you. Maybe he just was afraid of his friends not liking you, or afraid of someone from where he worked would try to hurt you. You prayed this was the case. You hoped and cried that this was the reason he’d ever let those words leave his mouth.

The reason you couldn’t believe this though is something understandable.

He had never, ever, called you anything other than his friend, and never wanted to go out.

He told you it was because he was protecting you, but he never wanted to even meet your friends. And when you talked about a guy or introduced him to one, he’d get upset and say something like, “Yeah well he seems perfect for you anyway. Not like we’re a thing - do what you want.”

And your brain tried to rationalize this as protection. The more you thought about it the more the other part of your brain screamed manipulation. You tried to ignore it but is that what was happening? Had he been manipulating you the entire time and you just never knew it?

If he was protecting you he wouldn’t call you needy. He wouldn’t not even bother to look at your friends. He wouldn’t feel the need to hide you from the entire world and lie about it in such a - douchebag way.

This hurt you though. His team can call out a liar faster than anyone and they would have said something if they thought he was lying. They would have defended you. The wouldn’t have egged him away and joked about you like you were some embarrassing one night stand.

You expected respect and decency and got dishonesty and asshole attitudes instead.

After the weekend of pitying yourself you realized you needed to stop. This wasn’t your fault. He has issues of his own. Issues he needs to work out and come to terms with on his own. Why should you feel anything for a man trying to hide you? Lying to you? Lying to his friends ABOUT you. Reassuring yourself helped but didn’t help the ache in your heart.

Were you ready for this? Were you ready to throw it all away? After all it could just be a misunderstanding. A misinterpretation. It could be your fault. Maybe you were clingy.

No.

No. Absolutely not. You weren’t going to try to defend his actions.

Right now, there's not much that we agree on. Sit down, if you need someone to lean on.

You called him.

“Hello?” he answered right away. “Where have you been are you okay? I was gonna come over and check.”

“Don’t come over.” You cleared your throat and blinked away tears.

“Then please come to mine. I have to talk to you, I missed you.”

He still has no idea. He doesn’t have a clue what you overheard on the phone. All the pieces of the puzzle you put together. All that you’ve realized in the past 3 days.

You rolled your eyes. Any other day you’d think his obliviousness was adorable but right now it only made you want to punch him in his stomach for lying to you and wasting your time.

“I’ll be over to give you your things.”

And you hung up.

That was so hard for you to do and you had hot wet tears running down your face to prove it. No matter how many times you tried to brush them away they just kept on going down.

Fuck him.

A shower and a change of clothes later you were finally ready to see him.

Honest, if I'm coming to your place, it's to say it to your face...

In your car you tried to talk yourself out of it. You told yourself to just forget the phone call over happened and just go back to the way things were. At least you here happy then...at least...sort of. You were okay. You were happy with him. The time you spent with him was enjoyable but you were tired of being his therapist. You were tired of being his dirty mistress. You didn’t want to be lied to or lied about. You were over it.

When you got there he rushed you in the house and looked down at you confusingly.

You had never been inside his place. The only time you were ever really here was when you were inside waiting in the car so that he could change his shirt.

“I thought you were coming tomorrow?”

“I came now to give you your things.”

“JJ will be here soon, you should probably leave. Why did you bring this stuff?”

“They’re yours. They shouldn’t be at my place.”

He looked confused but took the box from your hands anyway.

“I’m leaving.” You simply said and turned towards the door. The sooner you were out the better.

“Can I at least have a kiss?” Spencer asked in the cute voice he knew you liked.

You closed your eyes. “Sorry Reid, but no. I don’t want to seem needy or suffocating, ya’know? Makes it easier to break things off.”

Color drained from his face as he realized what you were talking about. He couldn’t even come up with an excuse other than a - “No, baby I -“

You put your palm in the air facing him telling him to stop.

“It’s okay. I was just someone you visited...like a grandmother. You shouldn’t miss me too much. We’re not even friends, right?”

You walked out of the house.

You walked out on him. Your heart was beating out of your chest. He was always the one to leave. He was always the one to say goodbye.

I've decided that I'm not your fucking friend.

—————————————-#————————————

taglist: @hotchsbabygirl @pinkdiamond1016 @thefemalestorywriter @sizzlingclamturtlesludge @samyilf123

[mittensmorgul]

One thing that stuck out to me about last night's ep was that with all the stuff Michael was saying about why Dean said yes, Dean never actually argued or refuted any of it. I'm not sure if that means that on some level its true, or if Dean *thinks* it might be true, or if its just Dean not wanting to talk about feelings.

Well, we know the data set Michael is working with, but like Metatron failed to understand the full emotional undercurrent of the data set he’d been working with back in s9, for example, Michael just… doesn’t really understand it.

(and with Michael, he doesn’t really CARE about understanding it, as long as he’s getting what he wanted– ie Dean’s silence)

Or to give another example. Toni Bevell’s kinda-sorta accurate (but occasionally outright wrong) but wildly misinterpreted data on the Winchesters back in 11.23 and s12.  (I started collecting this table of disinformation under the tag THE MURDER BOARD! but it eventually evolved into the men of letters vs hunters tag, because boy HOWDY did the MoL have some fundamental misunderstandings about, like… everything…)

But back to this specific scenario, because I think it’s important to look at what Michael said exactly here, because Dean’s response reminded me a heck of a lot of his response to Tony asking him about Benny in 12.02– you know, the vampire you befriended and brought out of Purgatory, she asked him, four years after Dean had last seen him, I mean… not exactly the freshest take on Dean’s speed dial there…

Michael: Well, this is fun.Dean: Get out of my head.Michael: You don’t mean that, Dean, not really. You may lie to them, but, deep down, I know you. I am you. You only tolerate the angel because you think you owe him, because he ‘gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition.’ Or whatever. But since then, what has he done? Only made mistakes, one after the other. And, Sam – oh, Sam You know, Dean was his happiest when you quit hunting, leaving him with your dad, just the two of them. See, deep down, he knows that you will always abandon him, again and again.Dean: Shut up!Michael: You don’t need them. You don’t even like them. They’re not your family – they’re your responsibilities. They’re a weight around your neck. And deep down, you wanted – you were desperate to get away from them. And that is why you said yes.

Let’s break this down point by point:

- You only tolerate the angel because you think you owe him, because he “gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition.” Or whatever. But since then, what has he done? Only made mistakes, one after the other.

Well, maybe Dean has thought that think in the past– like possibly during s4. I mean, in 4.16 he literally told Cas he’d made a mistake, picked the wrong guy to save the world. In his darkest moments, yeah. He’s probably thought Cas had made mistakes. I mean, in 7.02, while clutching Cas’s soaking wet coat immediately after his apparent death, and in the immediate aftermath of a horrific couple of days of feeling betrayed and abandoned by Cas in the worst possibly ways, Dean calls him “dumb son of a bitch” with a hitch in his voice and abject sadness and loss. I mean… This was s7 Dean speaking here, if anything.

And because Michael is Bad At Stories, he thinks this one out of context Bad Thought Dean had a long time ago is an accurate representation of everything Dean thinks about Cas overall. Because remember, Michael wasn’t trying to be honest here. He was trying to hurt everyone, to keep them distracted to buy himself time.

But to suggest that Dean really, truly feels that way about Cas, at his deepest core? It just… whoa that’s so far from the truth as to be horrifying, you know? If Michael actually believes that, then it just serves to prove how terrible he is at understanding stories.

I think it’s at least in PART Michael’s own judgment of Cas based on what HE believes about most of Cas’s actions in this universe, in direct comparison to the Castiel he knew in his own universe. And Cas has already passed judgment and dismissed Michael’s opinions on THAT.

But yeah, it’s also in part because somewhere deep down, Dean’s gotta know that this is something that Cas is afraid of– because Cas has TOLD him, multiple times over the years. From the end of s7 when Cas was ashamed and horrified and consumed with guilt over his mistakes, to the self-doubt that drove him to say yes to Lucifer in 11.10, to his painful need to bring a win home to Dean in 12.19… Dean understands this is one of Cas’s biggest issues. Therefore Michael would understand that saying this out loud had the potential to hurt Cas the deepest.

Let’s move on to the next point, shall we?

-And, Sam – oh, Sam You know, Dean was his happiest when you quit hunting, leaving him with your dad, just the two of them. See, deep down, he knows that you will always abandon him, again and again.

Immediately after this, Dean breaks in with SHUT UP!

Because there’s got to be some kernel of truth buried in there. I mean, Dean wasn’t happiest hunting alone with John. We know that based on fourteen years of watching Dean struggle to pry himself out from under John’s thumb. Sure, he put on a face of bravado back then, even going back to when he and Sam were kids– like in 3.08 trying to convince Sam that John was some kind of superhero, and putting a positive spin on the horrors he’d spent his life to that point trying desperately to shield Sam from. This is not just a simple issue that Michael has laid down on the table. It pokes at one of Dean’s deepest fears– that Sam WILL abandon him, or will choose a different life, run away to pretend to be normal. And yeah, he’s had to confront that over and over again in the course of the series, but it still hurts. Even if he knows they’re at a completely different place now then they once were about this.

This also pokes at the Performing Dean facade that sprouted from having essentially been placed as the emotional middle man in their family– knowing about the supernatural and protecting Sam from it at all costs. It tore him up, and he erected this safety zone around himself out of self-defense. Yeah, that mask has slipped a lot over the years, and Sam’s had more than a few peeks behind it at Dean’s squishy center, but this was Michael essentially using the fact the facade exists at all as a weapon targeted to hurt both Dean and Sam. Because this is all part of that lie, that everything was hunky-dory with John, as long as they stayed in line and followed orders.

Because heck, that’s kind of how Michael sees himself. He followed all the orders and was disappointed by his father in the end. But unlike Dean, Michael never actually learned to deal with it. Never learned that his father’s orders were maybe flawed. Never learned to think for himself, or try to become better than that himself. He just went right on blaming his own father for his failures. And we KNOW that Dean hasn’t done that. (and I think we’re gonna see that borne out in 14.13, which I am SO excited for)

But this also hurts Sam, because Sam KNOWS that the night he left for college was one of the WORST nights of Dean’s life. It was writ plain on Dean’s face in 5.16, when he learned that it was one of Sam’s “heaven memories.” So again, this is Michael maybe not understanding the context, only reading “WORST MEMORY” and thinking he’s hurling it like a truth bomb, when it’s more of an expired stink bomb…

That said, let’s move on to what Michael thought was gonna be the kicker:

-You don’t need them. You don’t even like them. They’re not your family – they’re your responsibilities. They’re a weight around your neck. And deep down, you wanted – you were desperate to get away from them. And that is why you said yes

Heck, maybe Demon!Dean would’ve had this thought. I mean, Demon!Dean kinda did say something like this in 10.03: 

Dean: You notice I tried to get as far away from you possible? Away from your whining, your complaining. I chose the King of Hell over you. Maybe I was just… tired of babysitting you. Or always having to yank your lame ass out of the fire, since… forever. Or maybe – maybe it was the fact that my mother would still be alive if it wasn’t for you. That your very existence sucked the life out of my life.Sam: This isn’t my brother talking.Dean: You never had a brother. Just an excuse for not manning up. But guess what. I quit.Sam: No. No you don’t. You don’t get to quit. We don’t get to quit in this family. This family is all we’ve ever had!Dean: Well then we got nothin’.

But like Michael, Demon!Dean was kind of a nihilist, yes? He was driven to demonhood by the literal actual Darkness that only wanted to destroy all of creation. He didn’t care about ANYTHING. Not Baby, not Cas, not Sam… NOTHING. And his entire line of thinking here is just tainted by the worst thoughts he’d ever had on the subject. It was like talking to someone in the midst of a depressive episode. He couldn’t see any joy in anything, and that’s just not the Dean we know and love. It was the bleakest, most hopeless part of him made visceral.

But again, Michael lobbed this bomb entirely without context. The fact that Dean was ASHAMED after the fact of how he acted as a demon, and under the Mark’s influence. Because when he hadn’t had all the best parts of himself submerged into this darkness, we know he’d never in a million years feel that way about Sam (or Cas). It’s like Soulless!Sam telling Dean he just didn’t care about anything, because he didn’t have the equipment to care. So unless you can accept that Soulless!Sam spoke absolute truths about how Sam really feels, then you can’t assume that Demon!Dean truly spoke Dean’s honest feelings.

Because we KNOW why Dean said yes to Michael. It wasn’t about wanting to run away from his family. Quite the opposite. He was willing to throw himself on that grenade in the hopes of SAVING his family. And I don’t think that’s ever been in doubt, by anyone.

And wow, heck, this is getting long…

So I’ll just say, Michael was cherry-picking out of context moments from Dean’s memory bank and making wild assumptions based on them, while disregarding literally everything else we know and love about Dean in order to try and cause Dean, Cas, and Sam as much pain as possible. It was a delay tactic that he was almost relying on to either hit the mark emotionally and lead to immediate surrender, or else baffle and dazzle until his cavalry arrived to murderize everyone for him. And he failed. Because he’s just that bad at stories.

[make-a-little-mischief]

I'm just going to add onto this and branch out since it's touching on a topic that I have strong feelings about: the terms/labels "egomaniacal", "narcissistic", "difficult to work with", "monster", "asshole" etc. get thrown around a lot with Jerry in an almost oddly casual, childish way. It feels like these very heavy, more serious words/labels/descriptions get used in the same energy of calling someone "a stupid poopyhead". I feel like there is a lack of understanding what those terms/labels mean or indicate in a full and real sense and a lack of awareness and/or consciousness in regards to valid comparison of others who most definitely do deserve that level of labeling.

A lot of the time to me it feels like throwing around these words, these labels, these depictions means nothing other than "how can I best hate on this person in the most vicious and targeted way (for whatever agenda or intention be it personal or professional)?" or "I really don't like/am not a fan of this person, thank goodness there's already a negative narrative about them for me to latch onto and cathartically perpetuate" and then there is no thought at all given to the scale on which a human being can fall into one or more of those labels. Even I - someone who is currently wearing a dinosaur shirt and loves to give hugs to strangers can be and has been at one time or another in my ego, a bit narcissistic, difficult to work with (just ask my sister), a bit of a monster at times, a bit of an ass at others...because i'm a human being having a human experience and none of us are immune to the shadow we all have (hello Nutty Professor).

In terms of Jerry, from what I know and what I have discerned from reading and watching and listening and doing my best to intuit truth as much as I can from a very removed, impersonal standpoint, I have concluded that yes, he had an ego (maybe even a healthy one at times) and he could be very much not his best self; he made poor choices, he acted not from a place of love or positivity at times, he definitely had off days and wasn't fun to be around...and he wasn't a perfect dad or husband or person in general, but I am honestly dumbfounded how he has received the level of hatred and disdain from some people that he has when there is a mountain of (easily located) evidence and anecdotes to support that the hatred and labels are not well-founded in the least.

In my opinion, it felt like the more he got hit with those labels the more he decided "you know what, that's what you think I am well then here I'll give it to you, it's what you want right? It's what you've decided I am anyway right? Don't want to disappoint anyone." There's even a clip from a telethon where he says something to that affect of "my character is abrasive and that of an egomaniac etc." basically saying that he's going to switch into what he's perceived as in order to get people's attention and get more pledges (he said something about he felt like he was tip toeing or being too docile, shall we say (my word not his, I can't recall how he put it so I'm trying to sum up), so he was gonna switch up tactics. Not that he was meaning to be any of those things, it definitely had a very sarcastic air to it, but it was a jab at the criticism. And there are plenty of other things I've seen and read to that affect where you can just tell the constant misjudging, misinterpreting, the labeling really got to him and it's like he almost gave in after a while. I'm trying to put myself in his shoes and I could see that being the case. He was always outspoken and had a very different, very blunt, no BS, "this is my truth" way of speaking and he was also very sure of himself (which of course as soon as you have confidence and show it you're automatically egotistical and narcissistic in some people's view, that's another separate rant) - but I feel like it was never (originally) intentionally to an extreme or a negative extent, I feel like that was brought out over time out of pure frustration (and Jerry's innate character of being deeply assured and dedicated in his views and stance on things as well as who he was and wanting to "fight against" [out of good intention], but maybe it got the better of him over time, which I can understand).

All of that said, to those people who want to label him because of stories they've heard - which I have yet to come across any of these horror stories, not to say they don't exist or they're not true, but it tells me a lot that I've more easily found a TON of positive information and stories through thorough researching - and because of their own lack of empathy and discernment for their fellow person...I mean all I can say is to watch a video covering convicted killers or people who have been outright abusive and manipulative without a shadow of a doubt and then tell me that Jerry is an egomaniac or a narcissist or whatever. I could point to many examples of THAT is an egomaniac or THAT is a narcissist - THAT is how they behave. These are not terms to just throw at someone because you don't like them for whatever reason or you don't agree with some things they did (especially consider the nature of the things and the degree of offense). Also, you might just have them all wrong, or mostly wrong, or somewhat wrong. Too many people only do research so far (watching or reading clearly clickbaity, gossipy videos or articles) and they only look to confirm the negative and the scandalous instead of looking for the whole picture. There is sooooooooo much more to Jerry than a lot of people will allow for. Even I could have stopped when I came across the negativity but then I thought about it and felt like there had to be more to the story...that needs to enter people's heads more often, imo.

So to sum up this insane rant, Jerry cannot easily be labeled as anything; that's my personal conclusion after months of research and discerning fact and fiction. I don't get the blind hate and I don't appreciate that he's been labeled as "controversial" by some when there are far, far more controversial people that have walked this earth. Seriously can anyone explain that? It's taking what should be average, balanced criticism of someone who had a complicated life and taking it to a ridiculous extreme.

It baffles and annoys the heck out of me.

As a side note about him and Dean - it's nowhere near close to being as simple as "team Jerry" or "team Dean" or "Dean good/Jerry bad". That needs to stop as well because it's under informed and a massive exaggeration of reality. Nothing in life is that black and white, certainly not people and certainly not those boys or their relationship. They were both at fault in their own ways, they were both flawed and both made mistakes. Neither one was an angel nor was either one the devil and it should not be a competition; considering that seemed to be an undermining energy between them and coming at them from external sources, let's not perpetuate it now all these years later and try to come at it from a place of love and understanding. That's my philosophy and that's all I can say on that.

I love Jerry, I love Dean, I will hold both of them reasonably accountable, always, and I will also love them and appreciate them always. They make me profoundly happy. But I had to say all of this in regards to Jerry because it just does my head in how someone can be so outrageously, senselessly, and disproportionately beaten up in regards to who they were and what they did.

I also respect everyone's right to their opinion and their feelings about things, but this is where I come at it from and I hope to only add something of value to this discussion.

Bless you if you actually read all of this btw.

There is always so much talk about Jerry Lewis's ego but I have a feeling that it was Dean was the one with the ego even though it wasn't so obvious. The last year that they were together Jerry's physical appearance changed his face got rounder he gained weight he no longer looked like a kid. Splitting up was okay but acting like mean revengeful people was not.

I agree that Dean had some of an ego, but he was also quite a shy person as well. He was a more introverted ego, while Jerry was extroverted ego. Both had great looming feelings of inadequacy from childhood. With sudden fame and people worshipping at their feet, it's almost inevitable that an ego would develop. Sadly they were both very damaged and had their issues.

As for Jerry's weight gain, Jerry gradually physically matured and gained weight throughout the years, but stress did cause the weight gain in late '55/'56. Plus he said he stress pregnancy ate while Patti was pregnant and he mimicked her.

You're absolutely right, acting like bitter and revengeful teenage girls was not ok. But just look at the breakups of John Lennon and Paul McCartney, or Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow and you'll find a similarity there. Those guys just wrote bitter songs about each other in addition to throwing jabs in the press. 100% if Dean and Jerry had written songs, you know they would be throwing shady lyrical jabs aimed at one another.

[keshetchai]

Question, do you have any thoughts on demonolatry? It is a path I am seriously considering and slowly researching. I'm still working my way through the book The Devil and the Jews, but what I've read so far plus what I've been coming across in my demonolatry research (Hebrew is a source language for many texts) plus still being very ignorant of Jewish traditions over all has me cautious. I feel comfortable in demonolatry but don't want to trespass/appropriate something I have no right to.

Oh goodness, I have….different takes on my gut reaction/answers. I’ll divide them into mini-answers!

Answer #1: [The most generalist answer about cultural appropriation]

If the source language for a variety of texts in something is in a language you don’t understand, and isn’t a heritage language for you, then chances are high it would be appropriative for you to adopt this kind of practice. This might not always be a hard and fast rule, but like…it’s a pretty sure bet in this case that a bunch of Gentiles who made a practice using misinterpreted and perverted Hebrew texts for their own needs and then continued on for several decades or centuries is just going to get you an end result of cultural appropriation/cultural perversion.

Answer #2: [The issue of Jewish appropriation & western Orientalism]

I honestly don’t know much about demonolatry, but from what I can tell it’s another spin on western occultism which was and is, at its core, appropriative of Judaism as an “exotic” flavor to be added as Gentiles saw fit. The whole “seal of Solomon” thing being appropriation by occultists is part and parcel with this kind of stuff, and it’s really really weirdly orientalist. The use of a holy language in Judaism (Hebrew) for this stuff is just….really trying to make it more “magic” seeming.

I mean some of these occult texts are what, 1500-1600’s? When you realize Jews were expelled from Spain in 1492, and the inquisition continued to try and make sure that converso Jews didn’t revert to their heritage faith – I mean it’s just more of the same obsession with perceived connection between non-Christian (read: Jewish and Muslim) ties to demons and devil worship/working.

But then there’s later stuff, from what I can tell it’s like a chunk of stuff 1500-1600 and then again after the 1700’s a period 1800 - Today (at least the bulk of this stuff is before or after the Enlightenment period in Western Europe) and…. Surprise surprise, a bunch of white guys being obsessed with the magical secret demon rituals of the “exotic orient” is undeniably connected to gross European colonial/imperialist attitudes. Another generalization: stuff written by dead white guys about the “orient” or “near eastern” practices in the occult arts are full of shit.

Thing is – fear of cultural appropriation aside – is any of this NOT fully enmeshed in orientalist imperialist western attitudes? And is any of it going to hold up to any kind of academic-historical-archaeological scrutiny?

Answer #3: [The issue of “All religions have stuff we can’t prove, but some religions have more complete mishmash based on conflated facts and made up stuff that ignores academic study on the originating culture(s) than others.” AKA the Academics of Appropriation]

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh. If the PDF I found on my google search of the term is a real source on the demonolatry issue, then it just lumps a gazillion different devils/Angels/spirits/goddesses/gods/whatever that are all occurring over the span of what is in reality probably 2-3,000 years. They have nothing to do with each other in many cases! Like a “devil” that has an Arabic name naturally occurs much later in time than a really early babylonian type language spirit because of the timeline of when those languages began and developed. I’m also probably the wrong person to ask - the very mention of “Lucifer’ makes my eyes want to roll out of my head because anyone who ascribes that to a demonic-figure misunderstood that it was a criticism of a Babylonian King, and had zero to do with any kind of supernatural figure.

I don’t particularly know much about Mesopotamian/Fertile Crescent/Near Eastern/Levantine paganism but I do know an archaeological/art history scholar who does study the prehistoric/ancient near east and I just deeply truly feel like the emphasis on near eastern paganism is mostly about 19th century Orientalism. I’m going to guess that a majority of the stuff discussed by demonolatry is riddled with factual errors, misunderstandings, and conflations that come out of ignorance of the region, time periods, and religious practices that took place.

I try to be respectful of the fact that different people find solace in different kinds of religions, but I won’t lie - I found myself deeply dissatisfied with the whiteness, appropriation, and bad scholarship I found across pretty much all modern pagan variants some time ago. Like it’s not just not cohesive/disorganized, it also just…doesn’t have any grounding in the actual historical reality of these beings/spirits in the faith origins any of them come from? I find most people in paganism/neo paganism are really interested in only very specific texts. Like they’ll read someone’s (European) grimoire from the 1600’s but won’t pour over Sumerian archaeological digs and academic papers on Hittite worship - because the point is not really these ancient/prehistoric paganisms but the *idea* of them - the orientalist *concept* of the ancient near east. like why does everyone talk about the meaning of the color of the candle you use for an ancient (whoever) entity when candles….hadn’t even been invented yet? I’m pretty sure that spirit doesn’t care because wax/dipped (dyed & COLORED) candles weren’t a Thing Then. You know? the rituals mentioning pillar candles for something that was worshipped in like 3000 BCE just isn’t based in any actual practice of the time because they didn’t have that then. It’s a tiny detail, but you could expand that to almost anything you wanted.

Maybe that’s harsh of me? But like personally I deeply dislike this kind of stuff because I find it just as intellectually dishonest as many organized faiths can be, except these people tend to publicly emphasize their ancient spirituality/faith predates “xyz”. But if you can avoid Hebrew entirely, avoid Jewish-Hebraic entities AND Islamic AND Zoroastrian entities and are just focusing on like….worship of things from ancient religions which just don’t exist anymore? I mean, I guess? Like just don’t….use anything that at all uses or borrows from Hebrew/Judaism/Tanach (or the Christian Bible). That might help avoid Jewish appropriation but won’t get rid of the orientalist lens issue.

Anyways….

Last Answer: [The: “I have a Mom of Color” aka “the comedic kinda” answer]

NOPE NOPE NO NAH NU UH sure appropriation is bad but do you know what is ALSO BAD????? Inviting spirits into your life that have their own motives and powers and minds!!!!! NOPE.

Why would any spirit deign to work with your ass for free? THEY WOULDN’T! What makes u think they’re gonna let you set the price for their services? THEY WON’T! You also can’t work with someone else’s spirits, you have to work with your own!

Idk man I was forbidden from playing at seances as a child, my momma literally told me to never summon anything because you don’t know how powerful it is and whether or not it wants to hurt you I compulsively throw spilled salt over my shoulder to blind any devils behind me, I have a hand of hamsa amulet by my door, I grow sage at my windowsill, I have literally been trained my whole lil Mexican life to avoid the devil even though my mom explicitly does not believe in hell or an actual literal devil.

Honest we don’t believe in the devil but JUST IN CASE…..

So uh tl;dr:

1.) yes. It’s got appropriative elements 2.) and Orientalism/racism 3.) also I don’t even know if any of the sources I found actually are true of the origins of these entities in any historical or academic sense which is a large part of why I think it’s rooted in Orientalism/fetishizing of the near east 4.). I’m like ethically (ethnically?) obligated to tell you demons are Bad News and My Momma Says I Have to Go if Someone Uses so much as a Oujia Board, Right Now, Immediately, She is Calling Me for Dinner Probably. (I mean I can’t stop you and have met satanists/lucifer worshippers and wasn’t scared of them personally, and I don’t even believe in “The Devil,” but also I ain’t white.)

Thanks for asking though! Sorry if I seem….idk unfair? I think these criticisms I’ve made can be applied to a LOT of things, which is why I apply them also to any modern paganism strain.