#“im clinically diagnosed a whore”

[thatrandomrock101klolfp]

where do i come up with these off the wall ideas

[red-riot-rat]

HHAHA SO IVE MADE DEPRESSION JOKES FOR LIKE THREE YEARS OKAY? I’VE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH CLINICAL DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY SO LIKE YAY COPING MECHANISMS ARE JOKING HAHAH

i said that i was depressed (because i am??) and my dad was like AbOuT wHat

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN ABOUT WHAT

all i said was idk living is hard,,, because of just whats been happening

and he was like for me that raises red flags

and i was like

ok

BUT WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE MEAN ABOUT WHAT I’M LITERALLY YOUR KID AND YET  YOU DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME?? DONT ASK ME WHY IM DEPRESSED WHEN YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING TO HELP ME IN THE FIRST PLACE WHORE DSKGN

i hate it here

[alloyd23]

Im 22  Im from New York Brooklyn I came on here to tell my mental health story to anyone who would listen I . I been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and sczophrenia when my aunt passed in 2017  I had attempted suicide 4 times and in that same year  I was admitted to the pshyc ward in Jamaica hospital in queens New York I was groped and licked by a patient male and a male nurse stuck his finger in my ear and said you like that don't you and I was called whore by other patients and nurses I felt lost empty important currently going to the Jamaica hospital clinic and I've been going sice  2017  Im on meds I used to take clonazepam for anxiety floluxitine  anti depressant and geodon anti pshycotic now I'm just on Gordon my doctor says important doing great but the assault still haunts me at night I jump out my sleep  I currently live in long island and I have no job in going to college for art and marketing in January so I'm hoping to make friends or join a mental health chat since my only friend ditched me at Starbucks so I have no friends 

[butwhatistrue]

Dream, Reality, Psychosis and Me

Okay, look ^^^^^ there is a pretentious title to start this pretentious introspective piece off. I almost feel like I’m on my old blog! Except, this time it’s personal.

Uhhm cw for nightmare content and unreality I guess but not too badly and nothing graphic. Mentions of demons(possession), murder, syringes, blood, violence.

In which I contemplate my relationship to Reality, The Dreamworld, Dream Intergration and it’s relation to my supposed psychosis.

Okay so I was recently diagnosed with psychosis (non-organic, unspecified). This is a weird position for me to be in, because if I accept this diagnosis I will, in effect, have to accept that I have been more or less psychotic since before a time I can barely remember.. And that is …. Hard to accept.

You’d think it was easy, too. Whenever my friends talk about being bullied in school I end up going a little quiet, because the truth is I have MASSIVE gaps in my memory but I remember SOME bad things, and some really really WAY UNREALISTICALLY bad things which I assume are dream-memories. I remember the fear and the feeling that everyone was plotting against me, from small things like seating in the classroom, to bigger things, like their supposed endgoal of “putting me down” with a euthanasia syringe stolen from the local vet, or setting the playhouse on fire with me stuck in it. But I also have very clear memories of being called “a slut” and “a whore” with reference to events which I at the time had no memory of, and which were likely fabrication(?!). I wonder if my classmates noticed my faulty episodic memory and used it against me, or if they didn’t realize how much they were fucking with my mind?

Still, the tale goes back before school, at least to kindergarten but dare I say the daycare too. I vaguely remember daycare, but I think what I remember are dreams and not reality. I just remember lying in my bed with someone standing over me and being absolutely certain I was going to die and believing they were hurting me. I never did like daycare, according to my mom. I would come home “cleaner than when I arrived”, so they might have been bathing me which could explain the issue as I was massively opposed to being cleaned as a child. I think the dreams began then or a little later. At first they were a little silly. The lamp would flicker, rip itself loose and come floating towards me from above. The teddies on my duvet would get up and start to wander towards me, closer and closer, their intent unknown. 

At this time I didn’t think of them as dreams or nightmares. They were ‘the things that happened in my room at night’. To this day I wonder about the two categories of nightmares: Awful shit nightmares, and “things that happen in my room at night” nightmares. Sometimes I wonder if I’m even dreaming, I wouldn’t be able to say if I weren’t. The ‘awful shit that happens’ nightmares came right on their tail. My brother would hold me down while my father butchered me with an axe; I would be buried alive or thrown in the trash. My mother would cry over my still-sentient mutilated dead body. Sometimes they were weird and eery. Like one time my brother and his friends acquired a syringe and every time someone was struck with it, they would start to multiply, and their personality and wishes would be washed out the more they multiplied and the more it would be replaced with the need to multiply others too. Some were just bloody and gory beyond belief, like the one time all the other children had been slaughtered and i was forced to drink their blood (which tasted like overripe tomatoes, a food item i can’t eat to this day lmao)

I believed strongly at this age that there were spirits, often hiding in lamps, who could occupy a human body and bend it to their will. This could happen at anytime, to anyone, which meant I was never safe – even from the one person I did trust (my mother).  I also never did trust reality. I started to wake up from nightmares within another nightmare that would play out in the house. Going to my mom for comfort, only to find her possessed by spirits, or getting attacked and mutilated on my way through the house, was a stable. I would have dreams within dreams within dreams. When I was awake I was anxious enough to turn reality into a nightmare, too. The darkness came to life before my eyes. So naturally, I became wary of reality.

Who wouldn’t? At an early point in kindergarten I had my first successful lucid dream. I was having a scary dream, not really a nightmare. It was too silly, too cliché, like something other kids would tell me about. A witch had caught me, and was preparing the bowl in which she was going to cook me alive. “This cannot be,” I said to myself. “How ridiculous. This ain’t even scary – you gotta do better!” and you know. In the end I WAS boiled alive by the witch but I knew I wasn’t REALLY dying. And that was a grand victory over The Dreamworld. I told the other kids, proud of my accomplishments, and I was deemed a Dream Hero (or maybe they didn’t believe me but those are Lesser Details).

Of course, I rejoiced too soon. The dreamworld did up it’s game, and soon Reality followed. By the time I entered school and people had the realization that I Was Not Correct, and presumably started to freeze me out and/or even bully me, The Dreamworld was Ready to Strike.

And it wasn’t as much about seeing Dream stuff in reality, it was more about fake memories and weird notions given too much credit. yet. yet..

I never really thought about any of this in terms of psychosis. The thought honestly never even crossed my mind???? Until a little over a year ago when that psych dude indelicately pointed it out. 

Since being a small child I’ve thought about this like a battle between Reality and The Dreamworld (and sometimes with anxiety). The world of dreams contains both bad and good. There are good things there for me to harvest. Eventually I had non-scary lucid dreams, and I started having good-natured inception-style battles of wit with my “subconscious”. I would be wake up exasperated but fond.

Just like the Dreamworld knows how to fuck me up, it knows my aesthetics intimately, and I’ve had the most beautiful views and riveting adventures in that world. It was a force of nature for me to tame and control. The night is twilight hour. Anything can happen during the night. You don’t even know if you’re dreaming or awake, during the night. Trust, me if you wake up enough times from a waking position, you’re going to lose count.

It doesn’t matter either. You marvel at the beauty of it all. Or quiver in existential fear.

I’ve been constantly questioning reality, whether dreaming or awake, since I was four. I’ve had to. And I know the rules. If something seems reality-ish I play by the rules of Reality lest I fuck up. Even if things seem very very dream-ish I try not to do anything that would kill me in Reality, jic. It’s working out great. I feel like my connection to the Dreamworld is a gift as much as a curse.

Sometimes Dream-elements enter reality, even at day, and I guess that is what people so clinically refer to as “hallucinations”, but to be honest I never thought much of it. It never goes beyond a point where everything is reality-ish, so I still act according to the Reality-ruleset and then I may employ a second jic-ruleset which might be considered a little to the delusional side.

But who really cares as long as it’s working out?

I never assumed reality was supposed to be clearcut. I always saw figures in the dark and considered if it was a man walking his dog, an axe-murderer, a demon or a trick of my mind. Those were all equally valid options and I considered that to be the way reality works.

You can’t trust everything you experience, but there are so many reasons not to? It could be a dream, or it could contain dream elements, or I could be misreading something.

It’s not a scary, weird thing, pathological thing, is it????? How much do people trust their senses normally? I’m sure it happens just as often that I consider something a Trick of Mind, when in fact, it’s true. Just the other night I was sleeping at my friend’s mom’s place. I woke up to a dripping sound, and found that the ceiling was dripping rhythmically on my duvet. Naturally I assumed this was a “thing that happens at night”, and went back to sleep. Next day it turns out there WAS in fact water dripping from the ceiling!

I mean isn’t that equally a problem? And now that people are throwing about scary words like psychosis and even schizophrenia, it makes it all so much more scary and anxiety-inducing.

It’s not just about a battle of wits anymore. It’s about “mental illness”. And it’s like…. All the hard work I’ve done.. is not good enough?????? Like I’ve worked so hard,, And I’ve gotten so much better… but it’s not good enough?? I’m not good enough.

And what are they even basing this whole thing on??? “Oh you hear a few things? Oh you smell a few things? Oh times is weird? Oh lamps are scary?” like no fucking shit but I GOT THIS OKAY

So WHY AM I EVEN WASTING THEIR TIME? What do I want???? I guess I really really really wanted someone to tell me the whole structure/concentration issue was an adhd issue and prescribe me miracle meds …. If I’m being honest. I don’t know how to deal with these meds. They scare me. I don’t know what Reality is without Dream Intergration???? But it sounds really empty and scary and meaningless.

At the same time they’re saying it might help my anxiety and I’m so DESPERATE for relief it’s embarrassing. I almost cry at the thought of relief????? Because it just. It hurts so fucking much??? Lmao im so weak but still. It makes me so anxious to think it might have no effect. I was so resigned to status quo. The idea that it can be different creates hope and hope breeds anxiety. I was going to be fine but now I’m DESPERATE for that sweet relief??? I fantasize about it.

And then there is dream logic which shouldn’t be taken too seriously. But I have noted that I’ve missed two buses since I started on these meds, which I would’ve made it to if my usual time-skills had been working. I can’t say for sure the meds have anything to do with it, the system does fail me sometimes, but it’s quite the coincidence. Twice time has seemed to go in the opposite direction of what dream logic dictates, or at least been flowing in non-gentle directions. It’s supposed to be a just in time matching system. The logical Reality explanation is that I’m tired and not focusing on the time properly, which is not good either. But it’s like. Some time stuff has returned. For example I’ve started checking the time at 13.13, 14.14, 19.19 etc again. I feel very proud??? Even thought it’s a useless skill. But that might indicate my time-understanding is improving. I might just need to adjust, so checking those keypoints could be a way of adjusting?

There are also real, valid concerns about anti-psychotics, that I’m ignoring in favor of hunting that Sweet Anxiety Relief…

I feel like I’ve played myself. Am I scrapping over twenty years of learned tolerance for the Dreamworld’s antics? What comes after?

I never ever want to be small and afraid and without reality testing again.

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙||HOPE #4; ||You Know My Name, Not My Story||🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙

🌙🌙🔥🔥facebook, this is part of my life story, this is in the past. Im in no way a harm to myself and others. Thank u. PART FOUR!!!🌟🌟🥀🥀 *SatanslashGod; im gonna pray, i think God is calling me to fufill His duties. I was homeless for the 13th time. I walked the streets for days. I got possessed by God. And i acted out bizarrely insanely dangerously, abnormally, like an animal. I stayed up for 3 days straight. And taking extra of my medication. I had a full blown physcotic break. I didnt kniw my name. I was talking like a baby, waving my arms in the air. I lost all my senses. I forgot how to function. I got admitted to Loma Linda ER, and they took me in right away. I was like nonresponsive. I was an animal, a vegetable. I was dysfunctional. And then they transferred me to Loma Linda BMC. Mental hospital. While i was there i acted out. They put me on concervertaship, i had a hearing, and i saw the judge. It was my over 200th mental hospital. And the judge almost sent me to an institution but i lied, and i got off. Ive been concervered over 5 times. I gor diagnosed with ovee 10+ mental illnesses. Critically/Clinically Insane && The Most High Maitnence Case In The System. When i was 12 i sold my soul to the devil. And i became a bully. And multiple places and people told me that i had a serial killers personality, that she looked into my eyes and said "theres nothing in there" "your untreatable" "your too high maintenance for us to treat" my therapist Thea said ahe waz one step away from conserving me and taken to a state institution. And she said they probably couldn't treat me. Ive been to 215 mental hospitals. And ive been thru it all. I cant tell the difference between God and satan, when i get commands i cant tell the difference. *Richard Enxxellia/Puppoi/Three 7s/SeventyThree6's/UglyBitterSky; Richard gives me paranormal activities. Qualities, which he possesses me to act out dangerously. One example is when i get homoscidal. He decodes the devil into me. He moves certain objects and living things to make me use my 10 senses. As i dissociate to many alternate universes. The darkness takes over me. He decodes demons into me. Decoding me, i have codes, we all do. In NXSP. Rascal/Raskal is my therapy dog. Whos dying of cancer. I hallucinate him everywhere. But i see him as if he was real. And people tell me itz all in my head. Like i have a full blown convo or im playing with him. But my mom and bro tells me hes not in here. Three 7s is where my mania gets out of control. Like i feel like im famous, for the right or wrong reasons. Its all a delusional world. I go out of reality now 100% of the day. And thats not normal. *Bad Mommy-Good Mommy/Duplicates Of People/TwentyStepsForward; __::::TSF was a demon that Johnny hated, but somehow was connected too. So after Me/I, Izzy "Ace 8/Spizey/MsSweetInsanityyx" (Me/I/M3/iii) killed him. The reason why Lily "Dancing Fire" was so mad at Izzy was because TSF turned to ashes after Johnny died, (was killed by Izzy) and that made Lily wanna send Izzy to The Ends more, as she tried to follow thru with that plan, but failed. Ever since i killed Johnny, Dancing Fire has become a bigger and more dangerous demon in my head, becoming worse and telling Alvaro to possess me more. So Alvaro && Dancing Fire have gotten worse. After i killed Johnny. __::::Bad Mommy/Good Mommy take toll of my mind. When i was in my drug and alcohol addiction, Bad Mommy got worse, she wears a scar on her face. She abuses me, (in real life she did abuse me mentally and very rarely physically, but this was before i got back into my addiction) after i tried to come home after she kicked me out *again* (while i was homeless for the 13th time) i was on cocaine, meth. Acid, pills, heroin etc etc. I came home and she slammed me against a wall, and called me a whore. Then she "switched" and forgot about it later, it scared me, and she won my trust and forgiveness back by giving me brownies. This went on for awhile. In reality tho. She did call me really offensive names. But she didn't slam me against the wall. I was scared of her and on multiple occasions didn't wanna come home from school. Anyways i dont wanna elaborate on that. __::::Duplicates of people really fucked me up. This waz after me coming home in 2018. I saw duplicates of people i do and don't know. And it scares me. Now it only happens with my therapy dog, Rascal *Cones/Wesley "Presley" Garcia/Mr.OutOfDate; |__::::????::::__| XX_XX __::::????::::__ | | Cones;____Guide me in the right direction. Master Cone. Controlling your slaves and servants. Your fucking with my head, your make me follow your path, as u soar strangely thru the air. Trying to show me a new reality, the Cones are ahead of the other flying objects. Its like your all dancing around me and my reality of a dreamland, a dreamland like reality. You opened my eyes, but also made me more insane. Therez all sorts of shapes, dancing strangly. You made me dissociate more than usual. As i traveled all the universes and galaxies. You did both harm and good for me. Thank u, for opening up my eyes, as im developing my 11th sense, i already have 10 senses. You traumatized me and u saved me. Thank u. Cones and Objects. For becoming a part of me. Cones are non living transitioning to living. But only i can see them. I appreciate you all. All the different breeds and kinds of objects. Theres millions of them. And im glad we crossed paths. I love u my Cone Family🖤🥀🌙🔥 Wesley "Presley" Garcia;____ Dear, Wesley/Presley, Did u Wanna get away, why did u make Johnny so bad, i know u were his master. And i know after u died, Johnny took your place, but i had to kill him, he tortured me and all of NXSP, i just wanna ask, why are u so fucked up? We did nothing to deserve this torture. Thank u for trying ur best with Johnny, but i just wanna let u know, even if u tortured us (made Johnny do it) im still here for u, cus i jyst found out that you didn't torture Johnny. Lily lied. And i should have known. Johnny tortured u, and no one knew, so i apologize for blaming u. Johnny also made up stories about you, that u tortured him. And i just put the pieces together and i realized Johnny started all this. NOT ERIN! Lily is just as bad as Johnny and Alvaro. All 3 of them fucked and traumatized all of us. If there is anything i can do to help. Plz let me know. I wanna save NXSP. Not destroy it. I know ur dead, but i miss u. And i realized you tried to pull/put NXSP back together, now its just pure darkness. Do u mind (&& u dont have to if ur not comfortable with it) send us angels to protect us from harm. Like what Constance used to do. I love u hun, keep fighting, soldier, Sincerely, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez/Ace 8/Spizey/Ms_SweetInsanityyx && im also speaking for my family at NXSP. I love u. Hope u get this message.🖤🥀🌙🔥 Mr.OutOfDate;____ You give me reoccurring dreams and visions of my mom dying. && u made me live thru hell itself. Literally, and u bring me closer and more content with death. I feel like im dying everyday, like literally. I feel my body being tortured by my demons and Satan. Who ive met thru traveling the galaxies and universes. Why? I wanna live, not die. Heres a lil thing i wrote about this. "I wanna become content with living But i feel closer that death My mom is the only thing i have Without her i would already be dead I check her breathing while shes asleep on her bed I just wanna be dead No words left unsaid I feel closer to death everyday And i feel myself fading away Still happens to this day Losing levels of sanity more each day Losing my mind and i cant stay awake Ive been thru hell and torture Trauma, pain and darkness Do we know all the answers? Do we all get possessed by the devil Do we all lose control by the hour Dont die Mom Plz dont go Your my sun Plz dont go Your my reason I sold my soul to the darkness But i cant let my mom go Its hard to explain the love i have for her Its easy to explain why i love her Im becoming closer to death Got this fire in my heart Got this fire in my soul Im not whole, im not ok Maybe ill be ok one day I love u mom, Mr.OutOfDate, Youve come way to date You brought me and made me live thru hell Ive lived thru hell itself. Goodnight my beautiful sunshine Aint nobody dying tonight."-written by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Were all strangers to ourselves. Its hard to say i love myself, cuz im broken and damaged. I love u mom, ur my everything. Your my sunshine my sunrise and my nighttime. If u die i die. Goodnight. 🖤🥀🌙🔥 *Visions&Hallucinations of Past&Future/ObjectsHavingAForceOnMe; Dancing Fire cordinates it. All 100% of my past flashes in my head at random times. And i cant control it. Id be in a completely different reality. And i use all my 10 intensitied senses for every part of my past. Like i was there again. CODE 203 J REPEAT CODE 203 THIS IS SYSTEM SHUTDOWN X FOLLOW ALL GIVEN PROCATIONS. Lily you need to get the fuck outta here with that shit. SHUT UP CHARLOTTE! Homie, you better back up. Im talking to u, Lily. Well Charlotte imma show Izzy her past right now. OHHHH IS THAT IT LILY THATS WHY UR SHUTTING EVERYTHING DOWN! I miss u Lily, the old u.. Im not feeling to good Lily. Im sorry Lily. IM DONE! When objects look at me, its like im looking in a mirror, and there using codes to take over me && they scare me, for example i can look at a door knob, a window. A sky, a cieling, and i feel like it has a force on me. Like there trying to get inside me. Like i see a chair and i scream cuz its looking right thru me. Heres a lil poem i wrote: "Dont talk to the ceiling It might talk back Taking over me Can u see me Can u hear me Do u get that peculiar feeling Of all the hell im dealing Leave me alone I dont have a stable home I look into ur eyes The pretty silver sky Its looking right thru me Its posessing oh its controlling me Got that strange feeling Are these the Aces that im dealing Your looking right thru me Dont listen to the walls They dont think when they talk Dont run away from fear Dont draw the devil nearer There decoding you my darling There breathing how non living objects should Cuz non living things are just as important As living things, your being cornered Breathe my friend In and out Breathe and shout Theres no way out There surrounding me Im inside my TV This is all a game And i declare you insane Smiles on everybody Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors Smiles on my little baby Nobody needs to ser what goes on behind closed doors. Take control dont let it control you Why are u so blue? Are u in the flumes Ace 8 Break It Down Theres No Way Out Im In The Dark Now Im Just Hellbound The more u try to fight it The stronger it gets I would take my life to save yours Trauma occurring 24/7 From 2001-2018 Over 10+ mental illnesses They say your insane Well they did diagnose me critically/clinically insane So play your game, Satan Torture me, im waiting So play your Ace, Aint nobody dying tonight Not in this place Your known as the girl with no face Your pointing me towards my dog days Who am i, good question Fuck me torture me, my new obsession Im used to hell and trauma I know rock bottom Im used to pain and darkness Were all in it for the torture There controlling me There possessing me They arnt living Sonetimes non living things Are more alive than the living Smiles on, everybody Shut them system down Smiles on, everyone Were not going down without a fight."-written by me. Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Sometimes non living are more living than the living. I deal with this everyday. Stay strong yo. *Flying Objects/DemonsPosssesingMe; **||||** Flying Objects: objects that are non living but act like there living. All non living objects float around and talk and act like the living. Like the taxis, or the furniture or anything thats an object. Starts using there senses, they have more senses than us. Heres a lil thing i wrote about that.;;;; "You take control Sweet little ceiling A dangerous feeling Are we really dreaming Your magic head got me screaming You are demons inside of objects As the tables fly As the staircase sighs Its like a labrynth Were all sentenced Were in a fantasy This isnt reality Wake up. Wake up Torture me plz dont stop Wake up wake up All non living things are living All non living things are living Dont be drifting Dont be living Cuz ur not living No not at all They all have faces They all have bodies They all have senses Dont be scared my love Dont runaway my love Im an animal in a cage I got blinding rage I got bad and good days The chairs are all wrong Smiley is coming back Am i wrong? Am i right? Police on the search for me There not gonna catch me These flying objects are very living They will protect me They will seduce me. Flying objects flying round They dont make a single sound Take me far away"-written by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez **||||** Demons Possessing Me; ??????Different Species if demons come and literallt possess me. I start raising hell ans becoming the demon thats controlling my body. I literally "snap into DeZanity" which is 100% worse than Insanity. I become dangerous, act out strangely unsafely dangerously etc etc. I become worse than satan himself. I walk thru and live thru hell itself. Ive seen hell. Ive literally lived in hell. I become darkness itself. Heres a lil thing i wrote about this; "Falling down to rock bottom Lived inside hell, oh pardon? Did u possess me last night the devil fucked me in the dark light I dont kno what to do Why u feelin blue, My darling my darling They say im acting strange Out of character as u say They say i went completely insane Out of character as they say The darkness controlling me Demons possessing me Im dangerous, im dangerous This aint fun Im always on the run I snapped into DeZanity I lost all my senses Ive died many times Im just fucking senseless As all the species of demons Come inside of me Im a dysfunctional animal Im a dysfunctional animal Who am i, my mind is worse than hell itself The devil puts himself up on the shelf Hes not powerful enough to enter Tryna make these dreams centered Tryna make reality my bitch Dont try. Do, win lose Dont do. Try, lose win Either way. There out to get me Lets change the codes Weve already killed ourselves. So far away from home Im feeling so alone. Im feeling cold Flying around the universes There aint no reverses Imma tell u a secret I am more powerful than the devil Are u gonna run and hide Were committing suicide My name is Izzy, Ace 8 My name is Tyler, Ms_SweetInsanityyx Lets fuck this place up Im here to save and help all non living And living things, im here to save the world I help, care. Love support be there Im by there side no matter what When u fall ill lift u up I help everyone and everything obsessivly Im on the battlefield fighting by yo side Im not in the sidelines Lets get ready to snap back Izzys out for the attack. Goodnight, Drearyyx"-written by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez _____________||||____________ *Dancing Rooms/Past In Vivid Movie-LikeForm; ||||_||||Dancing Rooms; dont talk to the ceiling it might talk back. Im in a dreamscape, traveling thru the galaxies, doors all over the walls, all the stair cases are going in many directions, they keep moving. They dont stop. Each room is something new. Im walking over the stars 🌟 , i see all of these different galaxies. Were midnight racing. Its like im in a Lo-Fi setting. All my dreams turned reality. Im in a wild place. Im soaring thru space. U ever seen the movie Labrynth with David Bowie its like that. I feel so free, racing cars over the stars. Im not in reality. Im escaping. Its like im flying, always flying. Im traveling everywhere. You saved me. Dancing Room. Its like a good trip. Like were in a movie, many kinds of movies. Its a new reality. Im escaping earth. So many colors. So much to see. Im sitting on the sunrise. I turn on Lo-Fi radio (the app is purple) and i do meditation to it. I go to extraordinary places. Thank u Dancing Rooms. ||||_|||| Past In Vivid Like Movie Form; so u kno ive had brutal trauma. Hell, pain, torture, bad experiences occurring 24/7 since 2001-2018, and u read part of my life story. Well theres sone parts u dont kknow, Dancing Fire flashes my past in more than just flashbacksx its in vivid movie form frok beginning to end. But its everyday. And even when im happy i get reminded that it constantly, Dancing Fire aka Lileth "Lily" Ramos-Garcia. Tortures me with it. The more i try to escape it or "put my past in the past" i get reminded of it everyday, from beginning to end. Its not ok. And i also get nightmares everynight that makes me not wanna sleep. Like i could be doing my thing, and out of fucking nowhere here comes the show (vivid movie like form of my past from beginning to end) and i cant escape. People say "leave ur past in the past" uh how am i supposed to do that if i get constantly reminded of it every day. ?? But yet i help care love support fix save be there for everyone and everything obsessivly. And i dont stop. I love helping others, i wanna save and fix all non living and living things. That's what keeps me alive. Someone asks me "what's wrong Izzy. U havent been yourself lately?" i tell them an excuse like "im fine" so imagine this: _Having over 10+ Mental illnesses _Having trauma occurred 24/7 from 2001-2018 _being constantly reminded of ur past daily _having 22+ mental breakdowns a day, every day _trying to remain sane _dealing with the present. _never escaping the past _everything combined together times 10+ working all at once _and trying to describe what ur feeling/whats going on/what's wrong, cus u don't know how to explain it _Constantly having demons fuck with ur head _hating myself _having an eating disorder/autism _not kniwing what ur feeling _feeling unwanted and unloved _being tortured, abused, raped most of ur life _not knowing who u are _having no home from 2011-2018 _having no hope _having severe brain damage _being critically/clinically insane _Been thru/experienced mostly every traumatic thing _not wanting pity sympathy or attention _after 2018, the hell never ending, getting worse mentally physically and emotionally _being insecure _dealing and drug addiction/alcoholism (im over 1 year sober _being the blacksheep _being LBGTQ _not wanting to date ever again/hating sex _cant go in public without breaking down _dissociating 99% of the day _explaining yourself to people _my mom being sick. My dogs having cancer _my mom and bro not wanting me home _thinking ur worth nothing _being a prisoner to ur mind _not knowing who u are _Alvaro possessing me _not feeling like ur in ur body/being possessed _paranioa/objects having a force on u _being confused/delusional _everything youve read/heard in all of this story applied to u everyday _acting like ur okay _trying to save. Fix. Love. Care, support, help, be there for everyone and everything obsessivly but not feeling like its good enough _missing my unbio son, Anthony everyday. _not wanting to cry or show emotions _avoiding feeling feelings/being so used to the bad that u cant process the good _not processing things _wanting to end ur life on a daily basis _wanting to self harm/act out on a daily basis _just hating yourself/having trust and anger issues _the rest i cant explain 🌟🔥🌙Hey this is Izzy here, thank u for breathing, for being alive. Im proud of u. Thank u for coming to my TED TALK.🌙🔥 **Another One Of My Suicide Attempts (i was on the online news); My brother and i got into a huge fight. Cuz we were playing pranks on eachother, but around that time i got raped *again* my mom still isnt aware that it. My whole past flashed by in my head vividly. My mom and brother told me they didnt want me home. And i felt like a failure. I was walking on the side of the street and the highway. I self harmed really bad. But i got home and everything else was a blackout. I had 33 breakdowns that day. We were at Farmer Boys. And my mom kept asking if i was "okay" i told her "yes" but i was lying. I had dreams of my granpa dying (hes deceas3d now) and my monmm dying. My mental health got 10 times worse. Leading up to my attempt i got raped again* by 10 people one by one torture, abusing and raping me for about 2 hours. I still havnt told my mom. I came home and i tried to have a "silent suicide attempt" i took 2 bottles of Gabapentin (one of my medications, this ones for anxiety) and they were big bottles, and i took every pill in there. I started fading out and u heard a voice in my head, trying to stop me from dying. I called 911 and told them that i overdosed, they got all my info and told me to stay where i was. There were fire trucks. Ambulances, police cars. They made me drink Charcoal, instead of pumping my stomach. My mom came out && was talking to the officers/AMRs etc. They did there normal procedures and transported me to Corona Regional Medical Center (aka CRC). I had a sitter, or a 1:1, they did their hospital procedures and i got transferred to "The Willows Mental Hospital" (Still CRC but not emergency, just psychiatric) my brother told me i was on the Corona Newspage, descibing my attempt. But not using any names of people. But it showed my house. I stayed on a 52/50 hold. I cant remember clearly exactly how the whole thing happened but im doing the best i can. ________________________________________ 🌙🔥🌟🥀hey its izzy, if anyone needs a prayer lemme know ok. This is something i just wrote, its from my heart. Stay True!!! Keep sharing your story, cuz it matters you matter your life matters YOU MATTER. , thank u for breathing, for continuing and being alive. Ur all Angels, you are a work of art, you just gotta put the peices together. U gotta creaate your art, your story. It doesnt end here tho. Id give my life if it meant all of u become painless, im not a saint. I just wanna be the person to save care love be there for living and non living things. Yea ive had trauma occurring 24/7 from 2001-2018, but its 2020 in a month. All i want for Christmas is for all yall to be safe and happy. If any of yall need anything, ill be here. Ill be fighting by ur side on the battlegrounds. Im sitting here crying cuz idk how to fix this world. Im proud of u. Even if u didnt wanna be alive today, youve made it another day and youve made it this far. Your doing the best u can. You all make me wanna cry cuz of how amazing u are and how beautiful ur soul is. If ur thinking about taking ur life tonight trust me ive been there. Put ur hand on ur heart, feel that? That's purpose. Your life is a mess right now. Keep looking up. Your someones reason. I wanna save ur life tonight/today. Thank u for ecsisting. I know its dark out, you grow stronger every second. Take ur time. Slow down, take a moment or a few moments. Relax ur whole body, ur gonna be ok. Ur gonna keep fighting. For everyone but mainly for yourself. Im proud of u. Trust me im far from ok. But id do anything if it means everyone else can ok. U are a broken soul. But we will fight, we will win. We will stick together x im here for all yall. Dont go. Its not ur time. I kno it may seem cliche. Bit ur voice matters ur story matters your message matters. YOU MATTER YOUR IMPORTANT YOU HAVE A PURPOSE YOUR ENOUGH YOUR WORTH IT. ! Thank u for being u. This is Izzy here. Keep fighting, soldier. Keep going. Your destiny is inside of u. I love u all. Message me if anything. Stay true stay u. Live u my warriors my angels xx----Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez (me)🖤🥀🖤🥀

[sahara-elizabeth-avery-blog]

A piece of me.

*TRIGGER WARNING* 

My innocence vanished faster than my mind could erase it. The others well, i cant speak for them but i know they are mentally stable, their mind must have subconsciously blocked it out. For me, i still live it everyday, a secret i kept for 16 years.

The first time i had sex was when i was thirteen the first time i was fucked i was raped behind a strip mall against a green garbage bin.

Hmm Fucked. The word fuck can be used to describe almost everything, there isn't just one definition that explains the word.

I was drunk for the first time. He was only 15. Did he know what he did? I didn't think he did. I still to this day don’t think he did anything wrong. But I remember yelling stop. I let it slip my mind but my mind doesn't allow things like that to escape. That’s when the drugs started and the drinking and filling myself with boys who didn't matter to try and feel whole again.

That never stopped i am still empty but left with scars. I was made to see a shrink little did my parents know what was really going on, he was an odd looking man from New York, i told him both now my biggest secrets that ate away at me, taking a piece of my life everyday, he told me to ball it up like paper and throw it out the window and to FORGET what sexual trauma i had been through since i was 3.

His diagnoses; clinical depression, general and social anxiety.

Hello Prozac. Shortly after i attempted suicide. My sister needed attention because telling my parents i was no longer a virgin but a whore with genital warts who does drugs who has rages wasn't enough so she told everyone in school i tried to kill her instead of how i overdosed. I wish i could say this story isn't all sad but i would be lying. There are happy parts but nothing ever lasts. 

Hello Zoloft goodbye Prozac, welcome clonazepam and number two psychiatrist; and the diagnoses of Major depressive disorder. I wouldn't speak of the sexual abuse i had suffered i don’t think i needed to. She could tell i was holding back i told her some traumatic things that had happened in my life and that the Prozac did nothing for me although mixing cocaine, alcohol, and methamphetamine's with SSRI’s was never a good idea. I started getting drug tested so i became an alcoholic still allowing guys to enter my body to try and keep it full. 

New psychiatrists came and left like the boys between my legs did as years went by the worst i became, in every way. Cipralex was next, shitty to meet you and nice to meet you razor blades my legs welcome you and were going to have some fun with you Clonazepam.

Im 17 now, i fell in love with an abusive son of a bitch but god was he a good fuck. I dropped out of school due to my addiction to drugs and addiction to him and then I left everything behind to follow him to the island, where he was going to trade school for the next 9 months. I was staying at my pops, 4 hours away, we seen each other every weekend. Piece of shit. I was young and gullible he was 23, dead beat father but my everything. It’s possible that if he didn't abuse me emotionally the way he did maybe my mental state wouldn't have changed so fast. Maybe i had years, good happy years left before it was my time to present as unstable. Fuck you. I thank my parents for knowing me so well and flying out when they did because i was ready to finish what i tried when i was 13. I was rushed to the hospital and studied by yet another psychiatrist for 14 days to determine if i was bipolar or if i had borderline personality disorder. Diagnoses; An extreme case of borderline personality disorder. (along with previous diagnoses)

Hello wellbutrin. Cool a NDRI. SSRI’s never seemed to work. Having norepinephrine in the mix was a game changer, could it help my rages? my black out cutting rages? Please help me. 

Oh hello more drugs, Xanax i really like you, valium makes me tired i want to get high, lets be friends X. 

Hello to the most memorizing hazel eyes and smile, my second crush of my entire life. No. The absolute love of my life. The still love of my life. I’m 18 now. We moved an ounce of cocaine a day and split an ounce, we spent 4 months side by side selling and doing drugs. We began a relationship it was beautiful for the most part. We fucked and fucked and fucked until we couldn't fuck anymore we finally made love, something both of us hadn’t felt in a long time, and me ever. He says i was his first love i was 19 now. I wont go into detail because all i have to say is that he is the true love of my life and im so so sorry i lost him a couple months ago.

Hello seroquel, im begging you to help me.

Words can hurt and if you use them correctly it could be a two bottles of antidepressants, benzos, and seroquel down my throat. Goodbye mom, goodbye dad, goodbye family. Goodbye hazel eyes. I loved you. Time to leave my body. I was stable all night with a breathing tube down my throat, i woke up and then slipped into a coma after suffering 18 seizures within two hours. It was time to say goodbye to me. My family said their goodbyes. its a lie you know. You cannot hear them or feel them around you. Im in trouble im no longer breathing on my own, the doctor was smart enough and being very cautious with me by putting me on a breathing machine before i stopped breathing, because i stopped. I was dying, i was put on life support and sent to a better hospital.

God dammit. 

I woke up. unharmed. alive. well. but angry. 

Effexor, valium and seroquel. I dont know how to greet you. Ill try you. Hazel eyes you’re still with me. I love you.

Hello rehab, i dont like you. 27 days of pure bullshit. Im home again now, when parents dont know what to do with their children they kick them out. I am homeless. Hazel eyes baby, move in with me. My heart is full. He is mine forever, we get engaged. 

Friends? Where did you go i only left to better myself. its okay i understand it. 

Hospital every two weeks, suicidal. constant overdosing. Stabbing. Abuse. Hazel eyes turned black sometimes when he was angry.

It’s September the 10th. Im being brutally raped and sexually assaulted by three 30 year old men who enjoy re-watching. That video disgusts me. Thank you for killing me inside and out my life if forver ruined because of you, you hold my life.

Extreme PTSD you are not wanted please go away please go away.

For my 20th birthday i moved into a homeless shelter. Happy Birthday lost cause. 22 days after my birthday my friend overdoses and dies. Hazel eyes has nothing in them, he hurts me. I hurt him back. We keep fighting its gotten physical, mental and emotional. We will never be the same and neither will my wrists. He leaves in march and i never see him again. My heart is broke. Im sorry.

It is now July. its been 10 months since i was raped, the case is still on going, i am 21 years old, alive, thriving, learning to live again. 

**I haven't been in a hospital for 6 months, no self harm for 7 months. Diagnoses; Borderline personality disorder, Major depressive disorder, severe PTSD, general anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, panic attack disorder, major insomnia, anorexia nervosa, possible bipolar type 2.** 

These are just some bad pieces of me i am sharing with you. There are more worse ones and there are better ones but these are for you. 

So yeah this is another story on someones life you don’t even know but now you do, i am Sahara nice to meet you.