#‘’all my life ive been so lonely | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yuridovewing · 1 year

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this isnt to discount the animators who helped bring these amvs and maps to life, they did a fantastic job and their work holds up to this day and this has gotten marginally better so more power to them. but man. so many ivypool centric maps shouldve gone to dovewing

#buy the stars especially. now hear me out. buy the stars is one of my all time favorite maps #i ADORE that map its so special to me. it helped me get better with my art. its a super sweet map with fantastic animation #the aesthetic is beautiful the outcome is stunning it is a good map and i am not disregarding it #but like. i think there should be a new buy the stars map for dovewing bc look me in the eye and tell me thats not a dovewing song #‘’all my life ive been so lonely #all in the name of being holy’’

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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 months

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Suspirium - Thom York

#this is my very favorite song and i think ive been wanting to make this for abt a year #when i was at my most compulsivly unwell i would be focusing so hard and sleeping so little that i would feel physically sick #like the world was tilting around me and i would think: all is well as long as i keep spinning #bc i would stop moving and suddenly id be in pieces on the floor. but now i think my favorite lines are: when i arrive will u come and find #me? or in a croud be one of them? bc its such a profoundly lonely idea. i dont believe in a life after death. i think when ur gone ur gone #your brain stops and the thing that made you you is gone forever. but if i imagined an afterlife image getting off a train onto a crowded #platform and searching for my mom through all the chaos. when i arrive will u come and find me? would our connect extend past a lifetime?#or would u be in a crowed one of them? would i stand alone in a sea of people waiting for someone who was never coming?#its a very upsetting thought #im glad i waited to make this bc i feel the song more deeply after the death of my mom. it feels more sad and more ethereal.#there r like 2 different versions of the lyrics bc thom york is so fucking hard to understand #so i use the version i like better #original art

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silverskye13 · 7 months

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The universe keeps thwarting me [nerfed by the common cold edition] but So Much (for) Stardust is a RnS Helsknight song.

#spazzcat barks #im delirious #but also i started drawing the two lines that make me EmotionalTM and had to stop because its 9pm and my brain is melting #anyway i keep imagining #'I used to be a real go getter' as Helsknight before he started looking like Wels #[taller muscular platinum white blonde hair annoying spotting of freckles constantly red eyes]#and then panning to 'I used to think it'd all get better' Helsknight with hair nearly auburn no freckles dull black-blue eyes #the only real thing setting him apart from his other half being the scars he chose to keep -- even those fading with time #so much for stardust... we thought we had it all.......#eughhh i need sleep #its just a good song okay #life is just a game maybe #im stuck in a lonely loop now baby #i need the sound of crowds now or i cant fall asleep at night #im losing my mind #i think ive been going through it.... ive been putting your name to it....#[dilerious muttering continues]

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lilaccatholic · 11 months

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how do i do it though. how do i let go of the bitterness and the hardness when they kept me "okay" for so long? does it come when i finally leave? can it ever?

#babes i actually relate to the frigid angry woman more than im comfortable with but this time there's no prince coming to save her and idk #i was never beautiful but i was and am angry and capable and that's served me well but being angry is exhausting #it's a birthright i can't give to a younger sibling. it doesn't transfer.#i dont inspire devotion. there's no version of this that ends with me waltzing with a true love.#im not the type you launch a thousand ships for.#so what's left?#who am i when i have no one? when ive spent my life making *me* less to make others more? when im nothing but a useful piece of furniture.#i know God loves me! i love Him! but it's not the same. i want *people* to love me. i want to be someone that theyd fight for.#im feeling that 'women have minds and hearts but im so lonely' scene from little women 2019 so much right now.#except im not jo. my family loves me but theyd never do for me what jo's would do for her. theyre also all focused on surviving.#i feel like a military ration. there to be consumed but cast aside the moment something more palatable comes around.#how do i become consumed with joy? how do i let go of the cynicism? its all thats kept me safe! but its choking me too.#its like tony stark in iron man 2. the thing thats kept me alive this far is killing me. i need to find an alternative but its looking like #ill have to synthesize a new element to make it happen and that freaks me out.#ive always been derivative. never an individual. how do i become a trailblazer when my job was always to hold the hand of the one blazing #the trail? how do i become myself happy and free?#because i WANT to be more #i WANT to be more than anger and coldness and a useful idiot. i WANT to be me and be so so happy #but i dont know how to get there #and if someone suggests therapy im shooting you. i dont want to listen to one more person pretend to care about me and tell me #all the things i need to change and spend even longer not learning how to think for myself #i want to be more than this. but i also cant stand the thought of taking up any more space than i do #anyway.#anyone who's read all this thank you and i promise im fine im just in my feelings today lol #im going to work out and get some happy brain chemicals flowing and then ill take a shower and itll all be good.#please dont worry about me! im just having A Moment TM #lilac rambles

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oldphanny · 1 month

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so a super old friend from literal primary school just reached out to me for the first time in like over a decade and they have a kid now and stuff and I'm just sitting with the fact that I'm like almost in my late 20's and literally have nothing to show for it.

Like 'what have you been up to'

Literally nothing. Trauma and nasty people being nasty. Im essentially back to where I was as a teen. So anyway, cute kid 🥺 I'm gonna keel over and die now.

#no but its literally super sweet of them to reach out obviously cause they 100% did have to at all #like we initially went to the same high school but they moved to a different school cause bullying and we kinda grew apart #like they have always been a super nice person to me and because of all the shit ive been through this past decade #i really dont have any friends left so having someone think of me made me super teary and sad #anyway maybe check in on people you used to be friends with cause they may be going through some tough times and its just nice to hear that #someone is thinking of you #i could literally ball my eyes out cause i experienced such debilitating mental illness as a kid that i didnt have treated til in my 20s an #i feel like its a huge reason none of the people that i thought were my friends stuck around and i just feel super lonely a lot #like yay my brains finally healing but now what #anyway sorry to ramble im just a bit fragile right now #its brought up a lot of really nice memories and i just cant believe how old those memories are and i wish i was a better friend #not dnp #lol #bipswordvomit #sorry i try to keep my real life off here for the most part but i guess anonymously screaming into the digital void is freeing sometimes

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delicatetaysversion · 3 months

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my best friend's MOTHER called me to scold me about being depressed and self isolating lol what has life even come to

#she was like. kya hua why won't you meet her she's saying you're busy do you have exams or something #and she knows too much about me so she's like beta exam toh agli saal hai na #it was more like pyaar se scolding ki mil liya karo usse acche lagega she's very sad she misses you #i was like. hmph. what??? she certainly hasn't said that to me #im kinda sick and tired of begging people to make me a priority pay attention to me tbh. i did ask to meet but she was like you come to my #house only i won't come to your house. even tho last few months ive been to her house soooo many times because of her parental drama #i don't want to go anymore im trying to study consistently and we don't sleep at all during nighout and i don't even want to waste a single #day. plus dad is being so weird and involved these days i can't even just sneak out. i mean if she came to my home atleast i wouldn't be so #tired that id waste the whole next day. but she doesn't wanna and she doesn't even have a reason so i just let it be i gave up #but aunty made me feel so guilty so whatever i texted like hey u wanna meet #tbh i don't want to sit and listen to her boyfriend drama all night. she never wants to do stuff together anymore we used to watch movies #we used to dance to songs we used to have so much fun. we were even planning on drinking but she keeps cancelling. now it's just endless #talk about how she feels so lonely and how she misses the guys so fuckinh much and howshe can't stop talking to them and how she needs them #to fill the gap the empty space #well fuck you!!! i feel the same and you don't give a fuck. you blow me off constantly don't hangout for a month even when we're in the #same city !! so we fuck you go to your boys and go your cousin ill be on my fucking own then always on my own desperately #trying everything to fix myself enough to move forward so my life doesn't fall apart and comes to a crashing halt #okay im definitely pmsing but whatever

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eeunwoo · 11 months

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#hii.. im still not really here a lot re kpop its just not really like the most important thing in my life rn lol #but uh i guess my dog's passing is something i gotta deal on my own entirely. my mom seems pretty much over it without really taking me int #account at all. today shes even sorta like. making odd comments/jokes about it like 'i talk to toto sometimes' because we say this #weird lady on tv talking ab how she talks to deer heads. and i just stared at my mom like deadpan and just looked away #bc what the fuck. and ofc she wouldnt consider its not an ok thing to say . otherwise shes really like trying to make out that im being a #really good kid and taking care of her and her feelings bc shes inventing things in her head about me being extra nice and careful with her #shes like awww youre taking care of me <3 and im like no im actually treating you like you're a total stranger in my house because you #basically are. and anyway. im basically on my own like i always am. i just have to deal with it all alone. as always. which is like fine #its just im extra lonely and alone so <3 ive also been suicidal and really really on the edge. that's your alex update if anyone cares #to be completely honest it's been taking everything in me not to just od right now its all i can think about and i havent felt like it in #years. ive just been sleeping for 12 hours at a time lmao........ anyway yeah thats it?#mrow.org

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goldiipond · 1 year

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i could write a whole essay about don's relationship with conny and the scenarios/interactions in my mind that give more focus to how her death affected and shaped him as a person throughout the series but every time i think about it for too long i get an antivirus popup in my head that says the page im trying to view has been blocked for my own safety

#skye's ramblings #one of the handful of tpn dynamics i am not mentally stable enough to talk abt for extended periods of time. man thats his fgucking sister #i do wish we got more focus on how losing conny specifically affected don beyond the escape arc #like man he loved her so much he was so DESPERATE to save her. her memory was absolutely a huge motivation for him to keep fighting #why the little bunny pin especially is such a dear hc to me. don will carry a piece of her for the rest of his life do you even UNDERSTAND!!#what the fuck theyare my whole world btw. if you care #tpn #hi ive been thinking i wanna start tagging my less 'silly autistic nonsense' ramblings #bc i feel lonely in this little fandom sometimes n it might be bc i only tag my art. but i want to have tpn discussions so much all the time

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graevs666 · 5 months

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i feel so ugly

#i acc hate the way i look n who i am as a person #n i can’t even do anything abt it bc it’s just how i look #ik i shouldn’t care but i feel so lonely and unattractive #i keep trying to stay positive and focus on the ppl around me and making plans w them #but as soon as i’m by myself i just feel so much #sometimes i regret transitioning it hasn’t been a thought i’ve ever rlly thought abt until recently #i feel like being trans makes life so much harder #n i wonder whether i would have had a less lonely life w dating if i just stayed a girl #i wouldn’t have lost all my hair #like the idea sounds awful bc i just don’t view myself tht way and can’t imagine living as a woman #but i do feel like i’m just so less loveable as a nonbinary trans guy #like ive grown to accept i have no hair and won’t even look twink again lol #but i miss being cute ….#n besides the hair like i struggle a lot w dating bc not a lot of guy r into me for being trans #ik there’s trans ppl out there w partners n hav hookups etc tho so maybe it’s just me #i just feel like there’s something abt me tht must repulse ppl or turn them off #i rlly thought i was doing a lot better within myself like i was liking the way i looked even w the badly and head tatt like i felt #like maybe i was attractive but i just feel like i’m back to square one feeling like this goblin #journal

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ankhisms · 1 year

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overthinking about a silly stupid poll which shouldnt actually be upsetting but well.

#the trauma u know. its the rate your attractiveness on a scale of one to 10 poll because i want to be #kinder to myself and my body but ive been told all my life that im disgusting and hideous and ugly #by so many of my peers and adults and the only time someone has been quote unquote attracted to me was my abuser assaulting me.#and then theres a whole other thing with this other girl i knew giving me a number rating score day by day about #how annoying she thought i was and how ugly i was and how close i was to being her friend. because i was so lonely and wanted #friendship so badly #even if she was fucking awful and pushed me into a fucking pond i was just a sad lonely kid and wanted a friend. anyway its fine #im just thinking about it all

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studiousbotanist · 1 year

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#does a bear blog in the woods #just phantom period stuff fuckingbw my brain chem i think is whats going on this week !#i knew the new tfb would rip emotions outta me but im messed uppppp .#ive been single the longest ive been in a Long Time now ...#theres good and bad . theres so much cooking in my head from these few months #dealint with grief . bad job . good job now #and still working on getting my life and health togethwr #and im really trying to craft and make shit again . its So necessary for your soul and ive been neglecting #tabletop has helped so much and roleplay will too qhen i get into it #in the mean time though . im LONELY !! im in a mood where being by myself is Torrrtureeee . butnive also been overstimmed !#i was very somber earlier cuz i jusf did Not have rhe energy to be up and do shit ..wjich is why i called out #but was just thinking the thing i miss most abt a relationship is always having some1 to hang out w or be around #especially physical side cause i am very physically affectionate !!! and tryin to get back to it .#its been hard cus of well ...trauma and also the pandemic . overthinking . itd help if i cried i think #i coulsve put this all ina read more ..too late now LOL !#i just want to word vomit . been stuck in a bad nasty rude to myself feedback loop abt NOT venting and NEEDING to reach out directly #but good gd its difficult when we are All exhausted . and when i judt Need the vocal speak vs typing #if u read all this mess thank you LOL . ill be okay . ive got to let myself feel this

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fabulouslygaybean · 8 months

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i am once again overwhelmed by love for humans as a whole

#just. fuck #oh my god. oh my god. i love humans. i love humans and i love life and i love that i get to be a part of it #it sucks sometimes and there are awful terrible things that happen and im not going to deny any of that #but just. im thinking about all the strangers who've ever been kind to me and im overwhelmed with love #the girl ive never seen before who grabbed me to dance during my last homecoming with the biggest smile on her face #the kid who taught me where to dig for clay in a lake when i was 8 who told me he loved me when i said i had to leave #the stranger at the last show i went to who held onto my shoulder as we jumped and yelled and laughed together #the little girl who came into my workplace today that told me with the most starstruck face that she liked my hair #the older lady who helped me pick up all my things after i dropped them in a park after an incredibly hard day #the trio of teenage boys who played with me on the playground for hours one evening when i was 6 because they saw i was lonely #the random man who bought me the snack i tried to put it back when i realized i didn't have enough money for it #the teen girls who chased off some guy who tried to kick my head in and then ran back to hold my hands and make sure i was okay #fuck. i love people. i love human beings so much.#i love being alive and im so so glad i made it past middle school even though i thought i wouldn't #i get to look at sunsets and sunrises and i get to pet dogs and i get to wade around in lakes and pools and ponds #i get to hug and hold people and i get to laugh so hard my stomach hurts and i get to yell and scream in happiness #i get to eat good food and listen to good music and i get to run and jump and dance #i get to see beautiful things and i get to watch strangers live their lives around me and i get to be a part of it all #it's amazing!!! fuck!!!! i get to be a part of it all!!!!!#i love being alive and i love that ive made it this far #i don't know what the future holds but im just so glad im even here at all #sorry about the long sappy ramble and i know this probably looks weird but i could not care less #im just overwhelmed with love for everything

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the-trans-dragon · 1 year

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Hehehe >:3 got a kissie and some headpats from a pretty girl >:3 muahahahahahaha >:3

#sorenhoots #sometimes i remember that i am living the life that i ached for during lonely years #like i just get to wake up and live my gay little life??? kinda fucking awesome even if many other parts of life are very stressful #im so glad i met my wife who loves me for who i am 🥰🥰🥰🥰 and 😈😈😈 heheh then i met my other partner???? like. i thought my wife made me #the happiest i would ever be and then WOOSH i met ANOTHER person who makes me incredibly happy? i did not know the happiness could DOUBLE.#i figured it was like 0%-100% and my wife made me like 100% of my capacity for happiness and then its like 200% now and im realizing that my #capacity to experience joy and peace isnt static and frankly probably increases steadily over a lifetime as i grow and change and learn to #appreciate things more. anyways im in a content happy lil gay mood this morning :3 #my partner got to visit us recently to help us get emotionally ready for some stressful stuff but now the most stressful parts are done and #now that the stress is fading i am finding so much happiness has been in my chest waiting to burst! it was sooo good to see my partner hehe #and the situation is even cuter because my wifes partner also came to visit and my wifes partner is my partners wife also so like. adorable #symmetry. my partner and my wifes partner have another partner and if you draw out a little diagram of us you will see it is shaped like a #house :3 a square with a triangle on top :3 hehe metamours everywhere :3 super super super wonderful metamours. its literally almost like a #fairy tale to have a polycule??? like?? im so excited to live somewhere that isnt like 9 hours from them. oh my god they also have a cat and #shes the cutest. me and my wife have a cute cat also and we are like 👀👀👀 tenatively anticipating that they will get along 👀👀👀 ive #specifically worked with my cat to help her know how to behave around other cats. my neighbor is retired and does TNR on the local strays #and they get attached to her and hang out in her backyard or her house lol like one snuck in and this was before they had any cats and they #didnt know he snuck in until he hopped onto her bf's chest at night to snuggle up. and hes a big cat and if you felt him drop onto your #chest in the pitch black of night you might absolutely mistake him for a racooon or possom or some other beast. anyways he sneaks into all #the houses down the street apparently and is just kinda like “the retired people down the street”'s cat lol. and daisy would hiss and yowl #out the window at him but i always tried to show her that he is friendly (and give her treats to attempt to tell her 'he isnt a threat. have #a snack. see? if he was a threat then we would not be having snacks.' and eventually he ran into us while i was letting her outside on her #harness and!!! i was absolutely ready to defend either of them from the t #other but they just cautiously sniffed each other and then laid down. it was fascinating to observe. daisy also responds really well yo #to meeting new people :3 though she proved me wrong by hiding from some maitenence ppl recently. but then she met my metamour and was pretty #much instantly like 'oh ok ur family? sounds gok #sounds good.' so thats cute and i hope if we end up in the same house with the other cat in the polci #polycule. well i hope they get along!!!#idk what we would do if they didnt. there are lots of other housing arrangements (like renting a duplex or next-door apartments or #something) but i want them to get along anyways :3 no matter what sort of living arragement works out best. i think theyd be good for each

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love-has-a-way-ofgrowingbackward · 1 year

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finished on earth we're briefly gorgeous. want to fucking throw up. i want a movie made out of this but just as abstract and non linear as the book with exactly as much detailed imagery and nothing left out. i want to cradle it in my arms and kiss it. i also bawled for an hour. read the author's discussions on the book reviews etc. im fucking losing my shit this reminded me of what poetry can do to a person. i had forgotten how words can make you feel. i have never seen a book about being born into survival like this and learning to build a life around it and ive never seen an asian person write it. people i am frothing at the fucking mouth.

#i also wish i had a mom and grandma like little dog honestly.#lan seems amazing #my brain hasnt been rewired so much as my soul has felt seen and understood. i have been so lonely without poetry in my life #on earth we're briefly gorgeous #i desperately want to read everything this man has ever written and everything he was ever inspired by. but i dont want to #read a pdf i want something to hold and treasure and mark up. i also dont have time ive got jee and olympiads and this is a bad #fucking time to get into reading.#but. after this. in college maybe. i want to.#ocean vuong #the monkey scene knocked my breath out and haunted me for the rest of the book and when it was brought back up #it was like an arc i didnt even realise was unfinished. god that took me out.#the butterflies and the monkeys. my favourite scenes. i wish i was a artist just so i could draw fireproof butterflies #fuck. this is the closest thing to a holy book i have. someone's life and heart and mother. jesus fucking christ.#i know its published and all but it kinda feels like peeping sometimes. and at other times i feel like i should be doing something to #show how grateful i am to be let into someone's life like this? but i dont know what to do so i just hug it sometimes.#its changed everything.#fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

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doperel · 9 months

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ventie in tags

#isnt that really wonderful having a major surgery that greatly effects your physical and mental health tomorrow and literally almost none of #your friends say anything about it to you #in the main server i talk in wirh just friends they literally didnt even respond #and went straight to talking about their lives #fucking thanks guys really making me feel seen and listened to #ive gotten more messages from my old guildmates on wow wishing me luck for surgery than i have any of my friends #and thats fucking 3 messagss #it really really huets and makes me super upset #i have literally had a fucking countdown going for this that multiple people have seen and still nothing #it honestly feels like a majority of the people i talk to could care less considering #none of them talk to me unless i initiate a conversation #i feel incredibly alone with this and i just want someone to talk to thatll listen to me #i cant even fucking get into any support groups near me because theyre all fucking dead links or dont exist anymore #endometriosis has been the most isolating experience of my life #i just want somebody to talk to thats it #im miserably lonely and i hate it #and im getting to be more and more angry and bitter about it because of the lack of care i recieve from #people who i consider friends #ever since i first got endo my friends have dwindled in number so much #if its not fucking me making the plans and going out people just do not fucking care #and the fucking people i was close with ended up using me for fucking sex and making me their therapist while dealinf with this #it feels a lot like people dont want me unless they can date me or i pay to do things with them #i legit feel like the last crumbs in the bowl

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qumiiiquinnquin · 10 months

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maybe i want to be in a romantic relationship so bad because i feel left out

#vent #i do actually feel left out. i feel bad for never having dated in my life and having very few crushes that technically weren't crushes #i dont want to be in a relationship at all. but i feel extremely lonely and touch-starved. im pathetic #why had this been bothering me so bad for a number of months. ive never wanted to be in a relationship. whats with the strong feelings.

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