#{ i should have a relatively free couple of weeks until i finally get my surgery later this month.... }

[moonsmultimusings]

OKAY so! i'm basically caught up now, i've just got one last ask i need to draft something up for. and since saturday's my last day of work, i'll be available more on here! expect more frequent activity and quicker replies after this.

that being said, i'm putting out that starter call i promised! consider this one of those. interact with this post if you're interested in a starter from me. mutuals only, and please specify muses (my list is here if you need a refresher) <3 if i'm unsure about which one(s) to use or how i'd like to write it, then i'll drop into your DMs to discuss a bit!

[fablesrose]

Ch 9 - The Top Hat Job

Series Rewrite Masterlist 

Pairing: Eliot Spencer x Ford!Reader

Description: The team has to play as magicians to get into a food company that has contaminated food on the shelves. *Disclaimer: I know next to nothing about magic, so don't come for me*

Words: 5377

A/n: So I've burned through my stock of chapters after this and I've been having a bit of a tough time for the next couple of weeks. I've got final weeks and then surgery to fix my wrecked knee, I want to get back to this as soon as possible, but I'm not sure when that will be. Thank you all for reading this far, it means so much to me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While Nate and Sophie were downstairs in the pub meeting with the client. I was watching as Eliot, Hardison, and Parker were starting recon on the target: Lillian foods. From what brief background we already had, their frozen food was contaminated, but one of the higher-ups calculated the risk and said that the amount of deaths was acceptable relative to cost in lawsuits vs pulling the food off the shelves. So, a real dirtbag, like all the rest of them. 

Hardison and I were in Nate’s apartment monitoring all of the tech stuff while Eliot and Parker were doing the leg work. Eliot was posing as a pizza delivery man with comms and a button cam, going into the heart of the beast. We watched as he approached the front desk where a pretty brunette sat taking phone calls. 

“Her name is Katie,” Hardison told him as he balanced a tennis ball on his forehead casually, “Likes wild horses, dislikes vanilla toothpaste.”

“Please stop talking,” Eliot responded. 

I laughed a bit, “The fact you can find those things is wild.”

“Hey,” Eliot greeted the receptionist, and I could hear the smile in his voice, “How ya doin’?”

She didn’t respond to him, only lifting a finger signaling for him to wait a moment. 

He turned away from her in a way that I could visualize him leaning against the counter. “Oh, I’m so in,” he said a bit cockily.

My smile soured a bit, remembering just how much of an eye for pretty chicks Eliot had.

“Hey Eliot, what’s that blocking your button cam?” Hardison asked him. I furrowed my brow, as while it was a bit warped because of how small it was, it wasn’t too bad. That was until Hardison finished his thought, “Oh yeah, it’s your ego!”

That made me smile a bit again before moving it along, “Parker? Whatcha got?”

“First ten floors are free climbing heaven, but after that, it's a slip and slide,” she responded easily before a random person started to vaguely harass her, saying she had pretty hair. 

“Uh, Parker, maybe don’t stay next to that person.”

I didn’t get a response from her as Nate and Sophie walked in bickering.

“When was the last time you had a date?” Sophie asked him which caught my attention. “A real date… with food?”

“Stop,” Nate responded before his attention turned to us, “Hardison…”

“I don’t think that counts,” Sophie commented before turning to me to answer her question.

I only shook my head to indicate that it had been a long time. 

“Are you running recon on Lillian Foods?” he asked us. 

“Uh, yeah?” Hardison responded for the both of us. 

“Don’t you think you should consult with me first?”

“Did he just…?”

“We do this all the time, Nate,” Sophie defended. 

“Hey, look man, where do you think all my intel comes from? For the last time, there is no blueprint fairy.”

“Yeah, well, I want you to pull them out. Do it now,” Nate told him as he poured himself a cup of coffee. 

“Why? What’s up?” I asked him. He seemed a bit more strict than a usual job.

“Look, we know what we’re doing, man. It’s a food company,” Hardison rebuffed. 

“No, you don’t. No. Not with a place like this. You don’t know what you’re doing,” Nate insisted. 

I watched on the screen as Eliot started to get escorted away, “Eliot?”

“Give it exactly two seconds before this becomes a train wreck.”

And just like that Eliot responded, “Hardison, we’ve got a problem.”

“What kind of problem?” He asked. 

“They’re MRI-ing my pizza and their stance says ex-CIA.” 

“You could tell somebody worked for the CIA just from how they stand?” Hardison asked before I could. 

“It’s a very distinctive stance,” he whispered back. 

I watched anxiously as a bunch of red flags and alerts popped up on Hardison’s screens. Hardison started to hack back with a vengeance to try and take back some control. I had faith in him, but the beeping and buzzing and flashing lights really didn’t make me feel better. Suddenly it took a turn for the worse where the screens said system lock out. 

“Uh, Eliot, I think you should get out of there,” I said into the comms before the power in Nate’s apartment went out. 

“Right now,” Hardison added on. 

I glanced back to where Nate was sitting at the kitchen table with his hands raised as if to say, ‘see? This is what happens.’

“I’m working on it,” Eliot responded, accompanied with the sounds of fighting. “Parker, I’m comin’ out hot.”

“Okay, all clear out here. Just me-” she started to respond before the same person from earlier’s voice came through. 

“Copy that, I think I got one out here, too.”

“Parker, did you stay next to that guy? That doesn’t sound good,” I commented, partially to her, but mostly myself. 

It sounded like Eliot got through the worst of his escape as he whispered, supposedly to the receptionist, “I’ll call ya.”

I rolled my eyes to myself, of course he would do that. 

“You know when I said you had pretty hair?” the guy next to Parker asked, “I was lying.”

I gagged, what a creep.

“Yeah, well, so was I when I said you didn’t… wait, damn it.” Parker responded before it sounded like she made her escape. 

“Hardison?” Nate asked him after a little bit. 

“Wait for it,” he said as he typed on his keyboard before the lights came back on. “See? There wasn’t no problem. I mean, I had it under control.”

He rambled on for a little bit longer, clearly flustered, as I laid my head back against the chair I was sitting in, letting out a sigh of relief that it was okay. 

Later, when Eliot and Parker were able to make it back to the apartment, we sat around the kitchen table as Nate talked to us. I was still trying to figure out if he was going to chew us out or be nice and just explain what went wrong. 

“So, pizza delivery guy was your big plan?”

“You know what man?” Hardison said, “It was recon, okay? Information gathering has historically been a very safe and peaceful business. It was a food company! Wasn’t like they were making weapons.” 

I glanced at Eliot as he shifted an ice pack he was holding to his arm. 

“Listen,” Nate said, “I’ve worked insurance for companies like this. Anyone gets their hands on the company’s food patents could cost them billions. And by the way? The guard that stuff better than defense contractors.” Nate explained. 

Hardison looked at me in disbelief, but I shook my head, “Hey, I didn’t know that.”

Parker poked at Eliot’s arm, “does that hurt?”

“Yeah.”

“Well that explains all the ex-spooks hanging around the lobby then,” Sophie commented. 

“You know what?” Hardison said a bit aggressively, “Ya live and ya learn.”

“No. I lived, alright,” Eliot cut in, “You sat behind a computer and acted like Kool Moe Dee.”

“What’d you call me? Kool Moe Dee? Like you even know anything about Kool Moe Dee. I was gathering very crucial information.”

“Does that hurt?” Parker poked Eliot again.

“Yeah.”

“How about now?”

“Alright!” I stood from my seat and smacked my hands on the table, a little overstimulated with all the arguing, which stopped it. “Parker, please stop poking Eliot, assume that it hurts. Eliot, we are very glad you lived, and Hardison…” I sighed, the little bit of adrenaline that I had worn off already, “what crucial information did you happen to gather in this train wreck?”

“Yes,” Nate said, backing me up a bit as I slowly sat back down, “How about you share that crucial information with the rest of us.”

I glanced up at Eliot who was looking at me with a softer expression, but I looked back down at the table, my hands in my hair.

“You know what?” Hardison answered Nate, “You ain’t said nothin’ but a word.” He pulled a remote out of his pocket, starting up the screens. 

We all started to make our way to the living room to hear what Hardison had gathered.

“Hey, you heard y/n, stop it,” Eliot said to Parker after she poked him one more time. 

“Eliot, what are you doing?” Nate asked, walking around the table towards him. 

“She’s poking me,” he replied, watching as he came closer. “Don’t man…” He said, shrugging him off as Nate grabbed his hurt arm too, rubbing it in a little more. 

I chuckled, “Come on Eliot, I’ll protect you from the meanies.” I walked ahead of him and was pleasantly surprised when he sat down so I was next to his injured arm.

He tapped his knee to mine, “you better.”

I tried to fight the smile that was growing a bit too wide as Hardison began the briefing. 

“Lillian Foods is the third largest food company in the world. Last year it made 12 billion dollars,” Hardison started. “This is the vice president of the frozen food division, Erik Casten. Erik with a K, Casten with a C.”

“How is that relevant?” Nate asked. 

“Oh,” Parker answered, “Eric with a C, nice and friendly. Erik with a K, evil.”

“I mean, she has a point,” I corroborated. 

“I didn’t know that,” Sophie commented. 

“Everybody knows that,” Parker replied.

“According to Dr. Jameson,” Hardison continued, “Erik with a K is trying to cover up salmonella in the frozen dinners so his division doesn’t have to pay out for the recall.”

“That’s why I grow my own food,” Eliot said next to me.

“How do you find the time?” Sophie asked. 

“You make time. I only sleep 90 minutes a day.”

“I didn’t know that,” I whispered to him, “The growing your own food part. That’s super cool. I only have a basil plant on my window sill. But I don’t think that that little sleep is good for you.”

“The basil’s a good start,” he whispered back, not addressing my sleep comment. 

I could never tell what the next thing I was going to learn about him was. I’ve started to seriously wonder what this man couldn’t do. I already knew that failing to steal my attention was not on that seemingly shorter list. 

“So what we have to do is, we have to get a hold of Casten’s report and make it public,” Nate said. “It’s on the servers. How do we get into the building?”

“I think pizza delivery guy is off the table, for the record,” I commented, nudging my knee against Eliot’s, purposefully avoiding his gaze, but I heard him huff a laugh anyway. 

“I am so far ahead of you, man, it’s scary,” Hardison told Nate. “Look, I can’t hack their system from the outside, so I sent a Trojan phone. It’s hacker 101.”

I pulled out my phone, “Oh, if this is a course, should I be taking notes?”

“You might as well be,” Hardison answered before continuing, “What I did was messenger a smartphone with an extended battery to an employee that’s on vacation. The package sits in the mail room. It scans for wireless and bluetooth access points. Unfortunately, even their internal servers are locked down like the CIA. So all I was able to get was employee emails.”

“Oh, anything useful there?” Sophie asked. 

“Oh yeah, you know what?” Hardison sat on the edge of his seat, leaning towards her, “Marie from Payroll has a crush on Steve from Accounts Receivable.”

She and I were more invested in this gossip then we probably should have been. 

Hardison pulled up a picture of a shirtless below average guy, “Look, that’s Steve right there on his vacation in Florida from a month ago.”

“She likes him? Really?” Parker asked half-heartedly, voicing my own thoughts as well. 

“Oh yeah. That man is a sexy man-beast right there” Hardison half insisted before moving onto the next piece of gossip. “Now, Shannon and Chris from Marketing, they got a little fight going on with Lauren from Ads.”

“Office politics,” Sophie concluded, “God. It’s lucky we don’t have that.”

Eliot and I shared a look that showed we were both skeptical of that. It was just different kinds of politics. 

“Everybody’s up in there complaining about this state of the company thing tomorrow,” Hardison continued, “And Brian from IT-”

“That’s it right there,” Nate cut in, “That’s our way in.”

“Brian from IT?” Hardison asked, “No, he is not a team player.”

“No no no no no,” Nate responded, “That’s our way in… yeah. Yeah yeah. That’s it. The state of the company meeting. Here we go.”

“What is that?” Eliot asked, “I don’t know what that is.”

“Me neither,” Parker said. 

“It’s like State of the Union?” Hardison offered. 

“What is that?” Sophie asked as well.

“Nate,” I said, “You’re the only one here who’s had like a traditional corporate job. Even with me, the places I worked never did that.”

“Oh right, right,” Nate said, finally understanding, “You guys have never had real jobs.”

The rest answered in the affirmative while I gave him a pointed look. He nodded apologetically as if to say, ‘I know you did, but yeah.’

“Alright,” Nate began to explain, “so when I used to work for IYS we would do this all the time. The company, big companies, they make their employees sit for an entire day listening to these boring speeches, lame entertainment, bad food. It’s…” 

Parker huffed a sigh, “I’m so glad I don’t live in the real world.”

I nodded in agreement.

“It’s mandatory,” Nate added. “It’s the only time that all the employees are away from their desks at the same time.”

“Alright, so we go in as caterers. We download the report while everyone’s chucking back the mini quiches. Easy,” Sophie concluded. 

“No,” Hadison contradicts, “see, it’s a food company. All the catering is in house. The only outsiders involved in the whole big operation are the entertainment.”

“And who would that be?” Nate asked.

“Oh, you gonna love this… It’s a magician.”

Nate perked up, looking at me, “ah…”

I, in turn, deflated, “no…”

The now former entertainment was a magician, and from what Hardison told us, he was pretty slimy. A couple of sexual harassment charges didn’t help. It didn’t take much for Hardison and Parker to dismantle his show and get him arrested for punching Hardison in the face. 

The next day Sophie called Lillian Foods to explain the problem and give us an in to replace ‘Chronos the Magnificent.’ Nate went in first as ‘head magician’ talking to the head of security.

“Harry Turner,” he said, handing the security guard a business card. 

“The magician, I know.”

“Illusionist,” Nate corrected, “Magicians do kid’s parties. I do Fortune 500 companies.” He waved us over, “Uh, right this way gang.”

“Woah, and who are these people?” The security guard asked. 

“Oh, this is my team, I believe you spoke with my manager, this is Nell Carver,” he waved towards Sophie who was rolling in a cart of supplies before introducing the rest of us, “my illusions designer, Frank Brunner, my lovely assistant Clea, and of course my beloved apprentice Miss Birdie.” 

I fought to not roll my eyes at Nate introducing me as such, hoping we could get past security without me blowing it. 

Hardison stepped forward towards the guard, “Hey man, I hope you have a doctor in the house, because this man right here is gonna blow your mind.”

“Alright, come on, we’re on a very tight schedule,” Nate said as he started to walk forward. 

“Nothing gets in or out of this building without being scanned,” the guard said, stopping him. 

“These crates contain my illusions, my life. I’m not gonna reveal my secrets. Come on.”

“That’s not my problem, is it?”

“I’ll take care of this,” Sophie said, stopping Nate from continuing, “Mr. Markland, I’m sure we can figure something out. It’s not possible-”

“Let’s pull up the van, Frank, and let's get out of here,” Nate said. 

“Harry, are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

Then an older man walked up to the commotion we were making, “what is going on here?”

“Mr. Price, sir, this is…” the guard started.

Nate turned and introduced himself with a business card, “Harry Turner, illusionist extraordinaire, you are Mr. Price, CEO of this company?”

“I am, what’s going on here?”

“I would like very much, sir, to give your people a wonderful show, but your doorman here would like to look at our boxes of illusions and destroy the illusion.”

I bit my lip to try not to laugh at the obvious manipulation that Nate was pulling, particularly with the context of us being magicians. I never would have dreamed of us being in a situation like this.

“Markland, just lighten up, will ya?” the CEO asked. “It’s a magic show for Pete’s sake.”

Nate repeated him as he followed Mr. Price and led us through security into the building. 

Once we were on stage Nate said, “Okay, we’re clear, let him out.”

Harison opened the giant upright box to let Eliot out. He was dressed in his black stealth related outfit with a beanie on his head that I liked a little too much. He held a classic white rabbit and hat in his arms and carefully stepped around a bird cage at his feet when getting out. 

“It’s a good job you’re not claustrophobic Eliot.” Sophie commented. 

“I was when I was a kid,” Eliot said, shoving the rabbit into Nate’s hands, “take this damn thing.”

“Really? How’d you get over it?” Parker asked while taking the rabbit as Nate handed it to her.

“I locked myself in a woodshed behind my house for a couple nights. After that I was fine.”

I looked at him in disbelief, pausing my task of unpacking the bird cage and checking on the birds inside, “That is the worst form of exposure therapy I have ever heard of… Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“That is so funny,” Parker said, “I was scared of the dark and did the exact same thing.” She then relayed a story of how her friends buried her alive in a wood chest when she was a kid.

“That is not the same thing,” Eliot responded. “What’s wrong with you?”

“I take it back Eliot, Parker’s is worse.” There were moments like this where I questioned where my life path has taken me to get to the point where my friends are these people. Then I remember that it is my own damn fault for willingly following Nate’s hard left turn in life. I shrugged to myself before continuing to prepare.

“So, you’re actually enjoying this,” Sophie said to Nate. 

“You know, being a magician, it’s the next best thing to being a con artist, you know? It’s all about misdirection and control.”

“So no one actually told you that you can’t control life. You see, this is why you’re not in a relationship.”

“No, Sophie, I’m just very focused on my work right now. You know, I was out of control before. Now I’m in control, it's a good thing.”

Hardison turned to me, “You do not seem very pleased about this, but you are kinda confident right now, so I’m confused.”

I glanced at him as I kept unpacking stuff, “Uh, yeah, because when I was in middle school, Nate and I went through a magic phase where we worked together and learned a lot of this stuff. We got pretty good at it, not gonna lie…” I then pointedly said, “Though I don’t understand why I have to go by Miss Birdie like I did when I was like 12 and Nate can’t go by Monsieur Kitty!”

“Do you hear yourself right now, y/n?” Nate asked.

“Yes, and I can be petty when I want to be, you’re using my childhood nickname against me.”

“So you know how to do all this magic stuff?” Eliot asked.

“Absolutely,” Nate answered, “Positively, yeah. It’s all about the rabbit. You know having… by the way, where’s the rabbit,” he asked, turning around before shrugging it off. “Hardison, let’s go over the plan.”

We all gathered around Hardison as he started to outline the plan. As he did so, I couldn’t help but notice how my heart was beating faster than it should be. I knew I was nervous about this, the stage, performance, how much the team was relying on this distraction, and every little thing that had to go right, but I maybe didn’t realize how much until we were here and I took the moment to stop.

“Okay, the show opens with our friend Erik Casten delivering the state of the company speech,” Hardison said. “The speech is scheduled to last an hour, giving myself, Eliot, and Parker enough time to go down to the server room, hack the servers, download the report, and get back downstairs.”

“So, massively there will be no magic show,” Sophie said. 

This helped calm my nerves a little bit, but something in my gut told me something was going to go wrong.

“Oh no, there might be a magic show. Absolutely,” Nate said which counteracted Sophie’s statement and its effects. “We might want to treat these people to the illusionist extraordinaire!”

Eliot and Nate laughed a bit as Nate bowed to the empty auditorium. I tried to laugh with them, but all that came out was a shaky breath. To counteract this, I turned my attention back to the props, including the birds, and pantomimed the motions of making them appear and disappear. I vaguely heard Sophie say something about Nate getting a girlfriend, but I was too focused on practicing the few tricks that I remembered. 

My gut turned out to be right, unfortunately. Instead of giving an hour long speech, Erik Casten’s speech was barely five, keeping it ‘short and sweet.’

“...and let’s give a warm welcome to… Harry Turner, illusionist extraordinaire,” Erik finished. 

“Shit,” I said, mostly to myself. 

“That’s you,” Sophie realized. “Hey, you’re on.”

“Parker, I need my assistant,” Nate said into the comms, as the other three were somewhere in the building going to hack the servers. 

“How come Parker gets to be the assistant?” she asked. 

“How come Nate gets to be the magician?” Hardison asked. “I do card tricks too. I do great card tricks.”

The rest of them were bickering over comms, asking about doing each other's jobs, while the stage was sitting empty. I eventually shoved past Sophie and Nate to get on stage, ignoring the nerves and my rapidly beating heart. I approached the center of the stage and looked at the crowd of people sitting in the previously empty auditorium.

“Hello Lillian Foods!” I said, trying to decide if the waver in my voice was noticeable to anyone else. “As you might suspect, I don’t quite fit the name ‘Harry Turner.’”

To my relief, the crowd laughed a bit which drowned out the bickering still going on in my ear. 

“To everyone’s relief, as well as my own, that is not my name. I am Harry’s apprentice. You may call me Miss Birdie.” The thought of changing my stage name crossed my mind, but I thought it was easier this way. As some people in the crowd said hi to me, using the name, it made me smile. “I think I am on the same page as most of you when expecting a big long speech from your vice-president. And while you may all have been relieved…” 

The crowd cheered and laughed as they could see where this was going. 

“My mentor was not as prepared as he should have been to be on stage this soon, that is where I come in. I’m sure any interns in the audience know the feeling.”

That got a particularly large roar from the crowd. I glanced off stage where Nate and Sophie were arguing still, though not as much as before. Nate gave a pointed eyeroll and shrug at me which encouraged me to continue. 

“I must apologize as I am a little more familiar with close up magic, so let me know if you can’t see anything and I’ll try to make it work. Do you see what is in my hand?” I raised my hand to show some quarters pinched between my fingers. 

The crowd responded in the affirmative before I continued. I did some subtle disappearing tricks before making them reappear with the exception of one. 

“Hmm, it seems I lost a quarter somewhere… Any ideas?”

The crowd booed a bit with the skeptics yelling out where the quarter could be. ‘In your hand! In your pocket!’ etc etc. 

“In my pocket?” I asked, I pulled out my pockets inside out and a few coins came out. “There's some coins, but they look like pennies to me, how about my coat pockets?” I took my blazer jacket off and shook it upside down. A comically large amount of pennies fell out of it. “I need some help examining all these coins… Is there a Dave Bickle in the audience today?”

There was some cheering in one corner as he stood up. 

“Dave, do you mind coming up here and helping me?” He started to walk over before I added, “Bring your coffee, I know you can’t live without it.” 

The crowd chuckled as he came up, coffee in hand. I asked him if he saw my missing quarter anywhere in the spread coins, which he said no. When he wasn’t paying attention, I was able to slip the ‘missing’ quarter in his coffee mug. I was glad it was a mug rather than a covered cup or tumbler, which made it easier. I made sure there was no splash and that it was out of sight for most of the audience. 

“Well, I guess I’m too good at making things disappear, but not great at making them come back… You know something about that, especially with coffee, huh, Dave?” I knew I was milking this bit, but Mr. Price didn’t give us much to work with for crowd work. When Dave laughed and took a sip of his coffee he came out with the quarter in his mouth. I held up my handkerchief to take it back from him, “Oh! You found it, thanks, that’s my bus money for later!”

The crowd laughed and gave a little applause as Dave went back to his seat. I glanced over to Nate to see Parker had joined him and Sophie backstage. I took this as an okay for me to finish up since they seemed a bit more prepared now. 

I quickly introduced Nate as Harry Turner and had him come on stage for his performance. He graciously brought me a broom to sweep up all of my pennies so they wouldn’t interfere later.

“That was really good, y/n! You have all the skills of a pickpocket with sleight of hand, why didn’t you mention it earlier?” Sophie congratulated me once I got off stage. 

“I have blocked out those memories up until yesterday and to be completely honest, I can only half hear you over the blood pumping in my ears right now, how is everything else going?” I kind of laughed to myself, I couldn’t believe I had done that. As I picked up the coins from the floor I could see that my hands were still shaking. 

“That’s natural after being in front of a lot of people, we’ll get you trained up as a grifter and thief in no time!”

I smiled at her sentiment, but didn’t encourage it. As I slowly calmed down I could hear that things were not going great upstairs; Erik had the same idea as we did: accessing the server room while everyone was downstairs. Except he was deleting the files we were trying to access. 

Hardison and Eliot were able to make it up to a higher level to gain access to the computers but they needed higher clearance authorization to gain access. Nate was able to gain Mr. Price’s fingerprints by simulating a trick on stage, but then Hardison said we needed him for retina scanners as well. Nate caused Mr. Price to ‘disappear’ in a magic box by switching it out for an empty one. Sophie and I pushed the box Mr. Price was in to the elevator and shipped him up to Eliot and Hardison. 

It wasn’t long after Sophie and I returned to the backstage that Hardison gave an ‘uh oh’ in addition to the fact that Erik had deleted all of the files before he could get to them.

“Uh oh? What do you mean uh oh?” Eliot asked.

I heard a security guard demand that he get out of the elevator.

“Oh. That uh oh.”

Sophie and I looked at each other in worry and returned to the elevator as we heard Eliot beat up some guards. 

The elevator opened and Eliot stepped out over the guards, “Show’s over. We’re blown.”

“Nate, bring down the curtain,” Sophie said. 

“We’ve got to go!” I added. 

The three of us made our escape and listened for the others to do so. We all made it out with the exception of Hardison who had been caught in the locked junction room where he accessed the servers. They had brought Hardison out of the building to try and find the rest of us when Parker swiped Erik’s phone. 

Nate proceeded to call one of the guards and talk to Erik on his own cell phone and blackmail him into removing the frozen food line that was contaminated off the shelves. He did so by planting the company’s patents on Erik’s phone. The client was there to stick the final nail in the coffin by informing Mr. Price and getting Erik fired.

When we rendezvoused at Nate’s apartment, the rest of us were unwinding and eating dinner while Nate continued to research clients… Working. 

Sophie voiced her concern about him.

Eliot shrugged her off saying that he’s fine. The fact that we pulled this one off proof that he’s at the top of his game. 

“Well that’s the problem. He keeps winning.” Sophie said, “And everytime he wins he believes a little bit more that he can control… life.”

“It’s what gets him through the day,” he replied. 

“What happens when he loses? The last time he lost, it broke him. He breaks again… I don’t think even we can pick up the pieces.”

I didn’t know what to say to that since I thought she might be right. Instead, I stood and moved to the fridge behind Eliot to see if there was anything there that tickled my fancy. Eliot followed me with his box of takeout, leaning against the counter beside me. 

“Do you want some of this Kung Pao?”

I looked at it for a second before grabbing some chopsticks off the counter and grabbing a bite.

“So, you really know some of that magic stuff, huh? I heard it over comms, the crowd was digging it,” Eliot said between bites.

I laughed, “Yeah, a little bit.” I took another bite before saying, “I didn’t get to do my signature trick though.”

“Oh yeah?” He smiled, “show me.”

I thought about it for a second before obliging him. I moved to tuck some hair behind his ear, a slight misdirection. He watched me closely, eyebrow raising slightly at my movement. When my hand was slightly out of his sight, I flipped my wrist and released the dove that was sleeping comfortably in my sleeve. It made a louder rustling noise than I had anticipated, but he didn’t even flinch. I pulled my hand back so I could show him the bird sitting on my finger.

He smiled as he looked at it. He then looked between me and Nate, “birdie.”

I nodded, “Birdie, but he’s the only one that can call me that.”

He laughed and stroked the bird, “That’s alright. I’ll stick to sweetheart.”

A/n: Reblogs and comments are welcome and encouraged! Thank you for reading!

Tags: @isoldeahlstrom @kniselle @technikerin23

[nanagoswife]

For You? Always.

Chapter Three

Summary: You see an old family friend and some old memories are brought up.

W/C: 2.5k

Warnings: Mention of cheating

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As you had hoped, Ben had not come to work. That meant he had stayed with his mother.

Siara, like you predicted, was perfectly fine on her own. She joked around that being on her own was actually better.

That would be true if she wasn't such a social butterfly. This meant she wasn't able to work alone for too long of a time. Even during those few days, she would come up to your office. Rarely to do actual work. 

It was the third day, and you knew that it was going to be a day. The day where you would find out whether he’s coming back, or needing some more time.

Your question was about to be answered as you looked up to see Ben, lightly knocking on your door frame.

Getting up, you prepared for any news that was about to be said.

“So?”

“She’s cancer free. It was just a bacterial growth, thank the stars.” He said this with a big smile. 

Not only did his smile make you happy, but the news was great.

“That’s fantastic news! Go enjoy the rest of your day. It’s the end of the week, so start your weekend early. Siara was going to leave early anyways.”

He nodded and started to walk away before he paused.

“Would you like to come to dinner tonight? My mom and I are celebrating before she gets the removal surgery. Also, it’s my way of saying thank you. For... that night.” He said this almost shyly, his smile mirroring this.

Even though you weren’t expecting the question, you weren’t very surprised, either. Joy filled you at the thought of it. 

“Of course. Where shall I meet you?”

“There’s a small restaurant not far from here. A couple of blocks over.”

“Are you talking about Rick’s?”

Ben smiled and nodded.

“I haven’t been there in so long. I wonder how Rick and his family are doing," you said, partially to yourself.

“Wait, wait. You know Rick?” He looked at you with astonishment. “My mom and I have always wanted to meet him but we never have the time.” His eyes lit up at that.

“Yeah. My father is close friends with him. I basically grew up knowing him. I can introduce you two to him tonight if you’d like.”

Excitement filled Ben’s eyes as he nodded quickly, a big smile on his face. He looked almost like a kid who found out they were going to Disneyland. There was something about it that made you feel fondness toward him.

Before he left, you set a time to be there.

-

To your delight, the rest of the day went by quickly, though you still worked a bit later.

You only stopped at your house to drop off your work bag before heading over to Rick's.

Not only were you excited to see Rick again, but you were excited to meet Ben’s mom too. Though you hadn’t known him, properly, for long, you considered Ben to be a close friend. 

Coming up to the front of the restaurant, you were greeted by the familiar face of Ben, who was waiting outside for you.

You waved hello to the waiter at the front who was one of Rick's sons, and followed Ben to their table. There you saw his mother who grew a smile as you walked towards her.

“Momma, meet, I guess, one of my bosses,” he said followed with a little laugh.

Extending your hand for a shake, she took it and obliged but held it for a moment, bringing her other hand over it.

“It’s very nice to meet you, dear. I’m Amelia. Obi failed to mention your beautiful looks.” Your cheeks flushed red at the compliment.

Not only did you think the nickname was adorable, but you found you were right about his accent. His mother had a very prominent English accent.

Looking at Ben, he looked very embarrassed, rubbing the back of his head with his own blush spreading his cheeks.

“Oh Obi calm down. You can’t tell me that I’m wrong. Anyways, dear, come sit.” Amelia had a tone that was hard to say no to.

Before any servers came over, the three of you talked. Amelia had fascinating stories, most from when she still lived in London, England. Some were also from Scotland, where she met Ben's father.

Listening to her, you were filled with awe and wonder as she told stories about her childhood and how she met Ben’s father. Her description of everything in London was all you ever hoped it could be. Seeing pictures was never enough. 

Breaking your attention, you heard a familiar voice, “Rosebud!”

A smile grew on your face when you looked to see Rick in his usual dress clothing with only an apron over top. Quickly, you got up and hugged him.

Growing up, he was like your uncle, or your third parent. So seeing him now was like being reunited with a close family member that you hadn’t seen in months.

“How’ve you been, Rick? How’s the family?”

He laughed, "Oh you know us. Great as always. The wife was a little worried when we didn't hear anything from you these last months."

“I’m sorry I haven’t even been able to get here. It’s been pretty busy.”

“No need for an apology, kiddo. You’re a busy woman who’s always welcome to our home any time, like always.” You smiled at each other as you were once again greeted by a familiar face.

Then, you remembered the reason you were here in the first place.

Turning, you made a small gesture towards the other two.“Rick, this is my friend, Ben and his mom Amelia.”

They stood up and Rick greeted them both with a warm, friendly introduction and handshake.

In all your life, you have never heard of Rick being anything but friendly. Like most people you knew, he was a people person. If he didn’t have anybody to tell stories to, no one knows what he’d do. Not even his wife. This restaurant was the perfect outlet for him and it thrived because of him.

After taking our orders, Rick pulled up a chair and told some stories. Some were from when you were very young, and the worst of them were embarrassing stories from when you were a teenager.

It was relatively fine until he told the story about your prom night, when you had been ditched by your then boyfriend, who you caught with another girl in the hallway that night. He told them how you had nowhere else to go, so you went to him for support. 

This story would be fine being told to any almost anyone else. Not necessarily when it was the man that you, what you recently realized, harboured a crush on and his mother who you had just met.

Well, this was one way for Ben to learn what he had missed so many years ago.

That day changed a lot. It not only brought you closer to Rick, but it broke you so badly that you hadn’t dated since. You had always thought he was the one. Well, it started to waver due to something a month before prom, but that was irrelevant.

You didn't know that you were lost in thought until you were broken out of your trance when you felt a hand on your shoulder. You also hadn’t realized that your eyes started to well up with tears when Rick comforted you.

“Yes. That night was not easy for anybody, especially her. But look at you now, Rosebud. Ever since the day I first saw you with your rosy cheeks, trying to grab a rose from my rose bush, I saw you going somewhere. And you blew that thought away, becoming greater than your parents and I would have ever expected. And you still do.”

Those words made your tears go from sadness, to happiness as you hugged Rick tightly with a large smile.

“Though you were a family friend, to me, you were like a third parent. Always being there to turn to when my parents weren’t an option.” You said this, still in a tight hug with Rick.

After a few moments, you sat back properly in your seat. You wiped the tears from your face. Shifting your gaze over to Ben, he showed a comforting smile. Sitting beside him, you thought, was one of the best scenarios at this moment.

“I hate to break up a party, but I see your food and I should make sure they don’t burn down the building,” Rick said sarcastically, giving you a hug goodbye after handing you a napkin to dry your tears.

He said bye to the other two and when he walked away, you felt a bit awkward. He had just told so much about you that you never thought would be brought up ever again. Not for a while, anyways.

Ben looked over at you and saw your bittersweet smile and rested a hand on your arm for comfort. Almost like a few nights ago.

Though you tensed up at first, you relaxed at his gentle touch. There was something about it that just felt right.

Finally, you were saved by the sight of food being carried to the table. Ben pulled his hand away quickly, and you saw a flush of red fill his cheeks. Amelia chuckled quietly.

During the meal, you carried a few conversations that helped you forget the awkwardness. On more than one front.

When you were done, the waiter, another of Rick’s sons, Jacob, told you that the meal was on the house. Thanking him and giving him a hug, you all got up and walked out of the restaurant. Though the night air was quite cool, it was refreshing.

“Well, Obi," Amelia started after walking a little down the street, "thank you for tonight. And thank you for delighting us with your company. It was a pleasure meeting you.” Amelia said this all with a smile. “I’ll leave you two alone.”

Before Ben could offer to walk her home she waved him off and walked away.

"I am perfectly able to walk myself home," she called out with her back turned.

Ben sighed in either annoyance or nervousness. You couldn't tell which, but you chuckled. This brought his attention to you, eyebrow raised in question.

“Your mom is an amazing woman. Very strong,” he met your gaze when you said that. Staring into your eyes he smiled, making you feel slightly weak at the sight.

“Would you mind if we went back to the park? I don’t know what it is about that place, but it’s overly peaceful and I quite enjoyed it.”

You couldn’t help but smile and nod.

Seeing a small glint in his eyes, he offered you his arm. Without thinking, you wrapped your arm around his and you started down the road together, heading towards the park. 

The feeling of your arm wrapped through his made you smile to yourself. You loved how comfortable it made you feel.

"I- I'm sorry to hear about what- about everything that happened," Ben said as the two of you drew closer to the park.

You looked at the ground, "Yes, well, those last couple of months weren't the best. Classes were boring without you always quizzing our teachers." Both of you laughed as you lightly poked your elbow into his side.

"It was fun seeing them stumble to find the answers, wasn't it?"

You chuckled, "You really gave them a run for their money."

The two of you laughed the rest of the way to the park. You weren't going to mention the cafe yet.

Walking down the dirt path always filled you with a sense of comfort. Now, with Ben at your side, you felt it even more. Not only did you feel comfort, but he gave you a sense of security as well. Almost as if he would never let you fall, and if you did, he’d catch you.

Reaching the patch of grass, he guided you down, which was unnecessary but still appreciated. The two of you sat and watched the last of the daylight as it faded to darkness, filling the time with conversation. 

“May I ask something?” Ben said after a few moments of silence.

“Sure,” you answered while also nodding.

“Your last boyfriend, before the day of prom, how long were you two together for? I never really knew.”

Although the topic was sensitive to you, you didn’t want to keep anything from him. “Four years. We started dating four years before that day.”

Ben’s reaction was one of shock.

“I thought he was the one. When I looked back, I noticed how he had started distancing himself in the last year of that. Everyone in school, even the girl I caught him with, was shocked that he did that. To everyone, we were high school sweethearts.”

Ben looked almost like he had been finding out in the same moment it had happened.

He glanced over at you and smiled, making you feel the small bit of pain wash away. Then, he looked up to the sky, taking in a deep breath and stayed silent for another few moments.

“Can I tell you something that I just need to get off of my chest.” he suddenly said.

You looked over at him, watching as he gathered himself before meeting your eyes.

“I’m just going to be straight up. I like you. And you have no idea how much of a child I feel like saying this but I like you more than just normal friends.” He quickly looked down at the grass, afraid of what the answer might be.

“Ben-”

“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same, I just-”

“Ben! It’s okay.” He looked back up at you as you continued, “I like you too.” You said softly.

Instantly, his eyes lit up, a smile spreading across his face. He breathed an exaggerated sigh of relief, causing you both to laugh. 

What you didn't know was that this was a moment years in the making.

As you both laid down on the grass, you slowly moved your hand to his. Without hesitation, the two of you interlaced your fingers as you held hands. You both looked at each other with smiles on your faces. 

Hating to break the moment, you had to ask the time. He looked at his watch and told you.

“I really am sorry to leave like this, Ben, but I have to go.”

“Before you go, would you like to go to dinner on Monday? Just you and I? I would say tomorrow but I told my mom I’d stay with her.”

You smiled and nodded. A new excitement filled you at the thought.

“I’m going to be working a bit later on Monday, so you’ll have to wait until I’m done.”

Then he came back with something you didn’t expect but it made you feel, something you had never felt. Almost giddy. He said, “For you? Always.” It made your heart skyrocket, leaving the last image of you, for him, smiling from his words.

Next>>

@stardancerluv @jaydenwoo @madmax2003

[oldsoldierr]

The Carnation ~ Part 3

summary: the media always told you that the famous art critic bucky barnes is an arrogant, rude playboy and you agree, but something still draws you to him. is there a deeper reason to why he acts the way he does or is he the class A jackass you first met?

art critic!bucky x artist!reader

word count: about 2.1k

series masterlist ~ part 1~ part 2 ~

“Ms. y/l/n, this is NYU Langone Health, you need to come to the hospital as soon as possible. James Buchanan Barnes has been in an accident.”

You didn’t bother listening to the rest of the voicemail. You were exhausted but adrenaline shot through your veins. You jerked up standing wide awake. You ran out of your apartment with desperation. 

Your insults to him could not be the last words you told him, they just couldn’t. Cause though part of you hated him, part of you knew Bucky had become part of your life far more than he knew. 

You sprinted down the stairs back down, the way you had just a couple of minutes prior, but with new determination. You jumped over the last couple set steps with a boom you knew would echo through the halls and would leave a couple of complaints but you didn’t care. You didn’t even care to think about why the hospital had called you instead of a family member or even Steve. You threw yourself in your car and just started pulling out. Your car was already on the road when it occurred to you you didn’t know where the hospital was. 

“Shit.” You didn’t have your phone with you cause you forgot it on your couch in your haste. Your brain really wasn’t helping you out today. 

The rest of the drive was a blur as you got lost in your thoughts. Everything was cloudy in your head. Somehow, muscle memory must’ve kicked in cause you made it to the hospital. You didn’t have time to be confused though, as you run in, the doors slamming open. 

You quickly scanned the room looking for the front desk. You must’ve looked like a lunatic. You were breathing hard and your hair was a complete mess from running. 

You still managed to reach the front desk asking, “I want to see James Barnes, he--” You gasped for breath. “--he was just in an accident, came in a couple minutes ago.”

The receptionist looked at you with a concerned look on her face but just clicked her keys on the keyboard. 

“Miss, could you tell me the patient’s name?”

“James Barnes,” you told her. She typed some more.

“Are you a relative?” she asked annoyingly calm for your stressful day.

“Uh, no, I’m a--” What were you? You tentatively continued, “a friend, I’m a friend.” She looked you over.

“And your name?”

“Y/n y/l/n.” More keyboard clicking.

“Ah, yes. You’re set as one of his emergency contacts.” 

What? You thought. The receptionist continued.

“James Barnes is in room 206, go right into that hallway, take two lefts.” You let out a sigh of relief. 

“Thank you,” you said breathy.

“Oh, and--” She stopped you before you started speed walking again. “You better make it quick, he’s going to have surgery in a couple of minutes.” You nodded in acknowledgment. 

You walked down the hall, two lefts counting the rooms.

“...194, 196, 198, 200, 202, 204, 206-- aha!” You were about to burst in when you realized it probably wasn’t the brightest idea, so you settled for a gentle knock. The reply came immediately.

“Who is it?” It was the same voice you had fought with on the phone a mere hour earlier, but it sounded much more gravely and in pain. You cleared your throat.

“It’s um-- it’s y/n.” The pause between his answer felt like hours even though it couldn’t have been more than a minute. You bit your lip anxiously. You heard him shift in his bed before saying, “Come in,” as if he was too weak to retort with a nasty reply.

You warily pushed the door open. There he was, looking as good as ever, on an off white hospital bed. The only change you noticed in his appearance was windblown hair, and more importantly, some blue, shockingly large shards of glass inserted in his left shoulder, bandaged with some white newly scarlet dyed medical tape. You subconsciously moved closer to him.

“...what happened to you?” you uttered under your breath without meaning to. Your arm reached out to skim his wound. He winced, his face contorting in pain. Realizing what you did you stepped back. 

“Oh-- sorry, um--” You didn’t know what to say. Bucky hissed from the pain.

“It’s alright, I can handle it.” his response wasn’t full of venom, just strained. It reminded you of his voice after you had yelled at him in the car and all the guilt from before flooded back into you. You looked down at your feet.

“Hey, uh, I’m really sorry about earlier. I,” You took a shaky breath, “I didn’t mean any of it. I was just riled up. I-I understand if you if can’t forgive me, but I just needed you to know, you’re not any of those things I said.” You don’t know what you were expecting when you said that but you weren’t expecting Bucky to chuckle sadly.

“No, no, you were right. I’m arrogant and selfish. I’ve known for a while but you’re just the one who said it out loud to me first. Guess I just didn’t want to confront the truth.” He tilted his head toward you with a smirk before avoiding eye contact again. “I’m really sorry for being such a jackass to you.”

Did--did he just apologize to me?

“It’s okay,” you replied sheepishly. You gave him a smile. 

“To be honest, you aren’t that bad anyway.” He made a faux shocked look.

“Did you just give me a compliment? I am truly baffled,” he teased. You almost slapped him but realized it would probably actually hurt due to his injury.

“Damn it, he’s back,” you said cheekily. Your face faltered a bit though when you looked back at his arm.

“What happened?” you wondered out loud. Bucky twiddled his thumbs nervously at the question.

“It was nothing,” he brushed off.

“A vase on a shelf just fell off onto me. A freak accident.” 

“Oh,” you replied, but you were dubious of his answer.

“Where’d it happen?” You pried more. You swear for a moment his eyes widened nervously. He scratched his face.

“It was just in my office,” he skipped over. You sensed an awkward silence coming. Luckily the nurses ushered you out before that happened for Bucky’s surgery. You briefly mumbled good luck and walked back past the waiting room, out the exit, and into the parking lot. You knew it was going to be a long night of waiting and worrying. Despite that, you still couldn’t get a question out of your mind. 

Why did Bucky lie about how he got his injury? You pondered as you walked. You shook your head to clear your mind because it wasn’t any of your business...right? You clicked your car keys and unlocked the door. 

You switched on the light and felt around your car for a minute. You found what you were looking for with an “Aha!”. It was the drawing of the carnation. 

You found some more art supplies and closed the door. You swiftly walked back to the waiting room, scanned the room for a chair with no one near it, and sat yourself down. 

The one thing that had always gotten you through your hard times was art, and it was going to get you through this one. 

For 8 painful hours, you waited. Your brain drifted to the thought of Bucky dying many times, but every time it did, you just forced yourself to work on the drawing. Even when the piece looked done, you just kept adding. It was the only way you were keeping sane. Multiple times you had almost fallen asleep before jolting awake. It was hell. 

But finally, when you felt like you were about to pass out, you felt something tap your shoulder. That surprised you so much you jumped in your seat. It was a doctor.

“Miss-” she looked down at her clipboard. “y/n, I’m Doctor Reed. I have an update on James.” That got your attention. You nodded for her to continue. She cleared her throat.

“I have some good news and some bad news. Do you have a preference on which you’d like to hear first?” You shook your head, your anxiety was growing and you really just wanted to get this over with. 

“James is okay. The surgery went very well and he should be free to leave in around two to three weeks, though we’ll keep you posted.” She took a deep breath before resuming. “The unfortunate part is that...we’ve...we’ve had to amputate his arm.”

Your hands moved to cover your mouth as water flooded your eyes.

“We did everything that we could, but his cuts were infected before he arrived. If we chose to keep his arm, best-case scenario, he would’ve had a dead limb.” You couldn’t believe what you were hearing.

“...And worst-case scenario?” you asked knowing you’d regret it. Dr. Reed hesitated.

“He could have died.” She kept talking but you couldn’t listen. It was all a blur.

 He’s alive, he’s alive, you reminded yourself. You took an uneven breath.

“Can I see him?” The doctor nodded. 

“You can, he may still be a bit woozy from the pain killers.” You muttered a thank you and collected your things, and allowed the doctor to escort you to his room. Your felt half dead but you kept walking.  Remembering the path from earlier you found room 206 easily. 

Without bothering to knock you pushed the door halfway open. His eyes were glassy and drooped. At the sight of you, he tried to scramble up to a sitting position but failed. He helplessly fell back onto his bed. 

That’s when you opened the door completely to see a cavity where his left arm was supposed to be. You held in a gasp. You dropped your art things in a chair and rushed to his side.

“Are you alright?” you asked.

“Mmmm, were you worried?” His voice sounded sloppy and uncontrolled. Like he’d just woken from a year’s nap.

“Yeah, a little,” you replied with endearment, the ends of your mouth twitching upwards. Bucky proceeded to GIGGLE. To say that was amusing would’ve been an understatement. That was until he grabbed you by your shirt and pulled you closer to him.

He whispered loudly, “Can I tell you a secret?” You smiled and answered expecting a stupid, drugged joke.

“Sure Buck.” He somehow pulled you even closer. You could feel his breath. His lips parted.

“It wasn’t a freak accident.” You pulled back, alarmed.

“What?” He shushed you.

“My marketing agent and I have been arguing for a while. Tonight he got super mad at mee,” he said with childlike movements, elongating each syllable. You were frozen in place as you listened.

“Cause the tabloids heard me talking to youuu. They think you’re my girlfriend, but that would ruin my brand as a playboy. Or that’s what he says,” he continued.

“My agent found out and we started to argue. When I wasn’t looking he,” He looked around jerkily. 

“You promise not to tell?” He questioned. At this point, you were very freaked out.

“Uh, yeah, of course. What-what’d he do?” He looked at you, obviously not understanding the weight of what he was saying. He opened his mouth to speak.

“My marketing agent broke the vase on me.” 

Oh shit.

You couldn’t believe what you were hearing.

“Shouldn’t you tell the police? Like right now?” you said, starting to panic.

“He’ll be long gone by now anyway.” He began to drift off. 

“No, wait--” It was no use. He nuzzled into his shoulder and proceeded to fall unconscious again. You were hyperventilating.

What were you supposed to do now?

sorry this chapter took so long! my internet went down for a couple days :( anyways, feedback is always welcome! thanks for reading!

series masterlist ~ part 1~ part 2 ~

[glorious-blackout]

Summary of Junior Doctor Life in the Midst of a Pandemic:

We now wear surgical masks pretty much constantly, even in our supposedly non-COVID Green Ward (which, seeing as people aren’t being tested as soon as they walk in the door, is doomed to get a positive patient regardless). My skin hasn’t been this bad since my teenage years, but I’ll take it if it reduces my chances of unknowingly passing the virus onto patients.

Myself and a colleague recently spent one of our breaks looking at photos from the current protests in America as well as posts of people declaring COVID-19 to be a ‘hoax’. As much as we had a good laugh out of it, for the sake of our sanity we have decided that America cannot possibly be a real place.

Our empty clinic areas and hospital chapel have been converted into staff sanctuaries, mostly for A+E and ICU staff members to sit in peace with some tea or coffee. Turns out the chapel has a piano, which is how I ended up playing random Muse songs in a silent hospital during one of my nights. It was a lovely, albeit surreal, moment of calm during a hectic shift, and it would have been even better if my piano skills weren’t so rusty 😅

Visitors are no longer allowed on the wards, which is sadly a necessary evil in a situation like this. One of the more difficult aspects of this is caring for palliative patients who, by rights, should have their family by their side in their final days. Thankfully the ‘No Visitors’ rule can be bent for Non-Covid patients if we believe they are imminently dying, and some relatives have been able to spend time with their loved ones so long as they’re in full PPE and there’s only one visitor in with them at a time. Overall however, it’s just a terrible time to die or experience the loss of someone you love, and I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for families of COVID patients where the option of seeing your loved ones is even less of a guarantee.

One of the more horrific instances of this was when a gentleman started vomiting blood and continued to deteriorate to the point where it became clear he was going to bleed to death. Amongst the hurried chatter that accompanies situations like this, someone asked which of his next of kin - his wife or his daughter - should be informed first so they could visit him while we offered supportive care in his final hours. Ultimately we had to choose the daughter on the logic that she was a nurse in the hospital, and therefore the only one who realistically had a chance of visiting her dying father.

It isn’t lost on me that we’re relatively protected in Surgery. We now have multiple COVID-19 patients, but their main complaint tends to be a surgical issue with COVID-19 being an incidental finding due to a slight fever. We’ve had a couple of scares in Green Ward with patients spiking temperatures or complaining of new coughs after we’ve all been interacting with them without PPE, but so far those have been false alarms. The extreme stress our ICU staff must be experiencing almost felt like a distant nightmare, until one of our nurses had to provide cover there for a day. Now, this nurse is highly experienced and excellent at her job and I’ve rarely - if ever - seen her riled up, but when she came back to our ward to collect her belongings she was incredibly shaken and tearful as a result of what she’d seen. I think some of us had failed to appreciate just how horrible the virus truly is until that moment, and that was just a taste of what ICU is like.

We had a lovely lady in our Red Ward who thoroughly broke my heart when I had to take her bloods. She’d spent the last year dealing with cancer and had come into hospital with a suspected wound infection, only to test positive for COVID-19 despite having no symptoms. The shock of having the virus on top of everything else had really shaken her, and the entire time I was with her she made a point of turning her face away and apologised constantly for being in hospital and - in her eyes - putting myself and my colleagues at risk (I assured her that we were there to help and that we’d much rather she was in hospital so she could get the treatment she needed, though I’m not sure how much of that sunk in). I was wearing PPE and she had a mask over her nose and mouth so I was probably as protected as I could be, but the fact that she considered herself a danger to me was still rather sobering. 

Much like the rest of the world, a lot of us still can’t believe that we’re right in the middle of the worst pandemic in over a century. We spend our breaks in the same doctor’s room where we used to sit and have a chat or whine over coffee and lunch, but all of that feels like years ago. If things were normal, we’d all have moved back to Medicine and I would now be three weeks into my Endocrine job, but now we’re left wondering if we’ll even still be moving to an entirely different hospital in August. It’s all very surreal and I don’t think it’ll ever not feel surreal, and the only way to really deal with it is to take each day as it comes and hope that the worst-case scenario we’re all preparing for never comes.

It’s not all doom and gloom! Never underestimate the determined optimism of NHS staff - the increasing gratitude from the public (often accompanied by free food) has given us a boost and we all seem to be looking out for each other more than we used to. One of our wards has an ever-growing collage of rainbow drawings done by the staff, including one by a senior nurse who decided his rainbow should be drawn in the colours of the Rangers Football Team. The road at the entrance of our hospital now sports the slogan ‘Thank You NHS’ so it’s the first thing you see when you come into work. We even got a huge quantity of Easter Eggs sent to us last week (which admittedly didn’t last very long 😉). The government have predictably failed us, but the kindness of ordinary people has done a world of good in terms of our morale, and I hope I’m able to remember that more clearly in the coming years than the horrible effects of this virus 🌈

[iknowthismuchistrue2017]

My FTM Detransition

This is the story of my own transition and detransition.  This is my experience only.  I’m not speaking for anyone else.  

I’m in my midlife now, and up until about six months ago I knew I was trans. My top surgery and hysterectomy were done almost two decades ago.  My name change was legal almost a decade ago.

I’ll start at the beginning.  I was born in the sixties in a conservative town at a time when gender roles for men and women were extremely rigid.  I know these roles are still rigid, but believe it or not they are less extreme than they were. Growing up it was apparent to me even as a child that I was less than just for being born female.  Fathers were proud of their son’s in a way no one was of their daughter’s.  When son’s were born it was celebrated, when daughter’s were born it was just another day.  Additionally sons had power, they were allowed to be vocal and have opinions. Daughters were seen and not heard.

My mother wanted nothing more than a girl when she had me.  She’s told me that by 3 years old she could no longer keep me in dresses, that she would put me in a dress and within minutes she would find me stripped down and dressing myself in my fathers clothing.  This was the beginning of the clothing wars with my mother, and I give her a lot of credit for finally letting me win that war to a large extent.  She did eventually allow me to wear t-shirts, jeans and sneakers most of the time, though I still had to wear dresses for holidays and events.  Those days involved a lot of screaming fights and crying.  I was not allowed to cut my hair short until high school, which was another battle and a huge relief when the day finally came.

My friends were all boys.  I liked their toys, their games, and playing sports. I felt like one of them, but I couldn’t understand why I didn’t have a penis.  So every night I would ask god to please let me wake up with a penis.  I don’t recall how long I made this request, but I remember waking up disappointed for a significant period of time.  I never had any interest in girls, their toys, or their games.  And I found their conversations boring.

Over and over I heard the same things from the adults around me, even some I didn’t know:

“Girls don’t do that”

“Why are you wearing boys clothes?”

“Why are you wearing boys shoes?”

“You’re a girl you know”

And later, “Why do you have a boys haircut?”

Looking back I can see the beginnings of my internalized misogyny.  And why would I want to be a girl? Girls didn’t get to wear comfortable clothing or shoes. Girls didn’t have any of the freedoms afforded boys. Boy Scouts went camping while Girl Scouts sold cookies and did what I considered to be boring, and in a skirt!  A girl’s future involved getting married and having children, which I had no interest in.  Girls didn’t grow up to have careers, they grew up to be housewives doing laundry and making meals and I had no interest in that either.  There was no room for me in any of this, so from the beginning I was separating myself from girls and identifying with boys.  

At 11 when I got my first period I honestly felt like my life was over.  I became very distressed, and cried every month for years, begging my mother for a way to make it stop.  My mother would try to comfort me telling me that this was something all girls/women went through, and that just made it worse for me.  All I could think was that 12 times a year, for what seemed like the rest of my life I would be bleeding from my vagina.  And while I never liked my vagina to begin with because I felt I should have a penis, I now despised it, and it was the start of intense dysphoria which would last for many years.  To make things worse my breasts started noticeably developing quite suddenly and my mother decided it was time for me to wear bra’s.  My periods were distressing but I would at least get a 3 week break from them.  Bra’s were everyday.  From the very beginning I felt encumbered bra’s. They felt like a harness around my body, and I longed for the freedom I had when my skin felt free under my t-shirts before I had breasts.  

Once I started puberty I was around boys less because I was isolating, due largely to the distress of a changing body and the realization that I was trapped in a body that did not feel like mine and that I did not want.  I was not comfortable in my own skin, and I had a lot of self-hatred because of my body.  

I also discovered the love I had for women was here to stay.  When I was younger I had crushes on girls, but I didn’t give them too much thought because my friends were boys who also had crushes on girls.  The only talk of gay men, or lesbians (shims as they were called in my town) I ever heard growing up was mocking and negative, so I kept this secret to myself.  In high school I was determined to make peace with my body and spent my junior year wearing make-up and dressing like a girl.  I had no friends because I had already be judged a freak by my peers and I became more depressed than I already had been.  In my senior year I went back to dressing in a way that felt right to me, back to men’s clothing, with big button shirts over t-shirts to hide my breasts.  I had learned to wear sports bra’s in a smaller size to flatten myself.

After high school I went away to college in a major city and for whatever reason ended up quickly becoming friends with lesbians and the lesbian friendly women, without even being aware that this is who they were initially.  Then for the first time I began dating woman.  I enjoyed this new group of friends, and girlfriends too.  I got a fake ID and began going to gay and lesbian bars and a new world was opening up to me.  I had transformed into a butch lesbian and it felt like maybe I was coming into my own, sort of.  

I did begin to notice not long after was that I still didn’t feel right in my own skin. I was with a group of friends I loved, and had a girlfriend that I loved and yet I didn’t feel a part-of within the lesbian community.  I was with women, who were proud of being women.  But my body still felt foreign to me.  I still had dysphoria.  I still felt distress with every single period I had, not only that my periods were heavy, and painful, and a full week long.  And I still wore tight sports bra’s to hid my breasts.

It’s important to remember that this was the mid 80’s, long before the internet, and long before the word transexual was used to mean anything other than a pejorative.  The only time I heard the word “trans” was in reference to transvestites and prostitutes at that time, and it was used in the most derogatory way.

After 4 years of college in a major city where being a butch lesbian was largely accepted (in the right parts of the city), I moved to another major city.  This new city was a big wake up call for me because while there was a large lesbian community, it did not include butch lesbians. I had a buzz cut and wore jeans, t-shirts, Doc Marten’s, and a black leather motorcycle jacket and I was not welcome within this lesbian community.  I’m sure somewhere in this new city there must have been butch lesbians, but with no internet I never found them.  I tried for a couple of years to make friends within this group and no matter what I did I couldn’t make friends, and couldn’t find a girlfriend for quite a long time either.

I decided to throw myself into my work and became a workaholic.  I worked long hours, and 95% of the people I worked with were straight.  Once again I became more comfortable with the men I worked with, and generally talked only to the women I had crushes on, some of which I had relationships with.  I still had dysphoria, still hated being in my body, and still did not identify with being female.  I began distancing myself from being female even more, my internalized misogyny came crashing back, and I was incredibly depressed. Life went on like this for years.

Eventually the word trans became part of the vernacular, and when I was about 35 I had top surgery. This was one of the happiest days of my life.  It was the beginning of a journey that was going to help make me comfortable in my own skin.  Within a couple of years I had a hysterectomy.  The hysterectomy was for medical reasons and not related to my being trans, but that was the other happiest day of my life.  Now life was really looking hopeful for me.  I still had some bottom dysphoria, but without breasts and periods my life instantly became easier to deal with.  I very much wanted to start T, but at the time I had a great job in a somewhat conservative industry that I wasn’t willing to lose at that time.  I had already been passing well enough to use men’s rooms and get called “sir” pretty consistently without T, provided I didn’t talk much. But I was leading a double life for years as a female at work and male outside of work, and I was getting tired of that.

In 2012 I started a low dose a T because I was still concerned about losing my job.  When my voice started to change I decided to come out to my boss.  I lost my job about a month later.  A couple months after that I started getting a lot of cystic acne and I was seeing my dermatologist 2 to 3 times a week to have cysts drained.  The longer I was on T the more acne I had, and I still was not at a full dose.  Other than the severe cystic acne, the other changes I was getting were relatively minor as I already looked fairly male, though I did love the big energy bump I got from it.  After another few months both my dermatologist and endocrinologist said as long as I continued taking T, I would continue to have cystic acne.  Cystic acne had plagued me through my teenage years and there was no way I could live with it in my 40’s and beyond. I stopped T.  

While it was incredibly disappointing at the time to have to stop T, at the same time I felt relief.  I can’t exactly pinpoint why because I still didn’t feel or identify as female, but I wasn’t going to actually be 100 percent male even with T. Something didn’t feel right about it.  

It’s been 5 years since I stopped taking T, and in most of that time I still considered myself trans until my thinking slowly started to shift without me being completely aware of it. The more I thought about what my identity is, the more I felt like I’m just me.  Sure, I was born female, but I’m still just me, and that me is gender non-conforming. Then about 6 months ago I was on YouTube, and I discovered there were other people who had people who had transitioned, but had then detransitioned.  And on Tumblr I found more people who had detransitioned.  And none of us detransitioned for the same reasons, we are all unique.

And here’s something else, all my life I considered myself a feminist but I wasn’t, I was a misogynist for decades until the pieces started coming together. I was unknowingly lying every time I called myself a feminist. How could I distance myself from being female in every way possible and not be a misogynist??  Wouldn’t it make more sense to be a different kind of woman?  I didn’t and don’t have to buy into this antiquated patriarchal system of what is male and female.  For me, by transitioning I was buying into that system and I don’t want to perpetuate that rigid binary model.  And more importantly, for me that is, is that had I understood at a young age that is was possible to be whatever kind of female/girl/woman, and that I didn’t have to follow the narrow path I was presented with.  Maybe I could have been spared a lot of discomfort, anxiety and stress I felt about being born female.  It’s not to say I still wouldn’t have been distressed over my breasts because I did feel entirely confined and trapped by bra’s.  But it is hard to quantify whether my periods would have caused so much distress for decades because they were abnormally heavy from the start, and I had excruciating cramps from my first one until the last one.  And by my mid 30’s before my hysterectomy I was having extremely painful periods twice a month.  Just maybe if I had had a normal cycle I would have outgrown the distress, but I’ll never know.  And as for my bottom dysphoria it’s possible that had I not felt so trapped by my gender, had I known there was more than one way to be female, had I had more access to sports and parents who wholeheartedly accepted me as different, maybe that would have eased that dysphoria.  

This is what I’ve come to take away from my experience.  Gender roles are bullshit.  Yes I was born female, but I can be anyone I want to be.  I don’t have to fit into any kind of rigid role I don’t want to.  And I don’t have to take T to try to turn myself into something I will never be. I also don’t regret my top surgery, because who says I can’t modify my body in any way I want to.  I can do whatever I want to my own body.  And here’s something else that happened on it’s own, somewhere between the ages of 40 and 45 I woke up one day and realized I no longer had bottom dysphoria.  I wasn’t working on it, and the only thing I can think of is I just didn’t care anymore.  I didn’t care in the same way I don’t care how people read me.  I know who I am, and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

Maybe all of us who are AFAB could start to embrace our differences and build a better community for ourselves.  If we work together and accept each other, we could begin to close the gap in the difference between the way men and women are treated in society.  We could stand up for each other and not tolerate being “less than”, and we can demand the respect we deserve.

I’d like to add that I am NOT part of the right wing Christian movement.  I am not a republican. I am not against people transitioning because we are free to do whatever we want with our own bodies.  This post is my own experience and nothing more. 

[junker-town]

How the NBA’s suspended season will affect its best teams

The implications of the NBA’s suspended season for its best teams.

These are the implications of the NBA’s suspended season for the best teams in the league.

Before Covid-19’s accelerated, unnerving reach made everyday life feel like it was dangling by a thread, the NBA was connective tissue for millions of people who treated any random weeknight’s slate of games as both part of their daily routine and the most reliable way to preoccupy areas of the brain that might otherwise be wracked with anxiety or stress.

My doctor instructed me to self-quarantine for at least 14 days after I came in contact with Rudy Gobert and Donovan Mitchell at Madison Square Garden earlier this month. Actually testing for the coronavirus isn’t an option, so I’ve bunkered down in my apartment, writing, podcasting, reading books (a new copy of David Halberstam’s classic The Breaks of the Game has been sitting on my night table for the past few weeks), and, for my own sanity, stealing quick solitary walks around my Brooklyn neighborhood. I’ve also, off and on, thought about what all this means for the NBA, in a world where the line between temporary and permanent grows blurrier by the hour.

As trivial as this seems, with the league’s current season on the verge of cancellation, so many long-term consequences that are unrelated to epidemiology exist. For some, pondering what may or may not occur a few months from now is a valuable distraction. This is all bewildering on an unprecedented scale, and, frankly, slow-drip speculation about how an NBA team will look on the other side of such turbulence is almost peaceful; a way to make everything feel as normal as it possibly could be.

With all that in mind, here are some theoretical, fluttering implications for a few different teams, whether the season is cancelled tomorrow or postponed until after it would normally end.

Milwaukee Bucks

If the postseason is scrapped, no good team will be flung into a more sweeping state of uncertainty than Milwaukee. All year they were the NBA’s new boogeyman, stomping through 29 other teams with near-historic ferocity. But the Bucks also had questions that could only be answered in the playoffs, when we’d finally see how their successful albeit rigid system and rotation would translate, whether they’d need another playmaker, if Eric Bledsoe would melt into a puddle, etc.

Tied to those on-court topics is Giannis Antetokounmpo’s future. No playoffs means Antetokounmpo would be robbed an opportunity to learn some critical information about his team’s championship potential before they offer him a super-max extension during the offseason. If, in the absence of knowing how far his Bucks could’ve gone in the playoffs, Antetokounmpo turns down the offer and tells Bucks general manager Jon Horst he wants to play out the final year of his current contract and then play things by ear, how will Milwaukee respond?

Antetokounmpo is the exact type of franchise player who’s worth betting the farm on. Trading him would not be on the table unless he demanded it. But several teams — in larger markets, with more resources and attractive complementary pieces — will have max cap space in 2021, and an opportunity to sell him on their vision. Losing Antetokounmpo for nothing would obliterate a franchise that’s constructed around his generational ability.

The NBA’s economic future may change how players and owners view long-term, multi-million dollar contracts as a whole, but operating off how we currently see things, no team was more looking forward to the playoffs than Milwaukee, and no team better hope they’re still played, be it in empty arenas, practice facilities, or blacktop playgrounds.

Boston Celtics

Relatively speaking, the Celtics are in decent shape if no more games are played this season. They’re young, and Jayson Tatum’s emergence as (at least) a top-15 player over the past couple months allowed for a clear hierarchy to establish itself. The league’s sudden financial uncertainty all but guarantees Gordon Hayward will opt into his contract. Nothing is guaranteed in the NBA, but this team should have as much top-end continuity as any contender next year. If games resume in a couple months, that’s critical time for Kemba Walker’s knee to recover from whatever has been bothering it.

Brooklyn Nets

Remember when Kenny Atkison got fired 19 years ago? Well, even before that happened Brooklyn’s gap year was an unmitigated disaster. Kyrie Irving had season-ending shoulder surgery on March 3, and despite Caris LeVert’s crafty scoring prowess and Spencer Dinwiddie’s pseudo-all-star capability on any given night, the Nets were skidding into a buzzsaw, regardless of who they played in the first round.

Then, earlier this week, Kevin Durant and three of his teammates tested positive for coronavirus, firmly placing professional athletes in an important role they’ve had to fill: vanguards who can spread awareness and even some modicum of hope about an illness that could very well cripple every element of life as we knew it.

In a world where those four recover — along with every other player who tests positive in the coming weeks and months — and games resume, the delay could have the slightest of basketball-related silver linings.

Regardless of what Durant’s business partner Rich Kleiman has to say in the middle of March, if the NBA playoffs pick up in July and Durant is healthy enough to compete, knowing the following year won’t begin until Christmas, it’s hard to imagine him not itching to do so. This doesn’t mean Brooklyn would be considered a favorite to come out of the East, but if Durant is able to contribute for 30 minutes a night there’s no reason why they can’t upset the Toronto Raptors in the opening round.

The trickle down effect Durant’s mere presence would have on everybody else is huge. His all-time talent overrules the power of continuity and cohesion. Throw him the ball in the fourth quarter and get out of the way. With Dinwiddie, LeVert, and Joe Harris also on the floor, guarding Brooklyn’s offense would be agonizing.

As Rudy Gay told me in a conversation about the value of chemistry earlier this year: “It’d be tough not to be able to play with somebody like Kevin Durant.”

Philadelphia 76ers

It’s always hard to get a read on this year’s most disappointing team. Even if the season comes back, their pieces still won’t fit. Al Horford won’t be younger, have a quicker release on his three-point shot, or look more comfortable as the fifth option in Philadelphia’s starting lineup — assuming he won’t come off the bench.

But the larger question here surrounds Ben Simmons. If, by June, all concerns about his ailing back are gone and Joel Embiid miraculously shows up to the practice facility in shape, this team’s ceiling may rise closer to where it was back in October. A spark of optimism will be tied to the Sixers for the first time in a long time.

Utah Jazz

Whether games are played or not, the Jazz will be greeted by two seismic decisions shortly after the NBA calendar resumes. Gobert and Mitchell are both eligible for contract extensions during the offseason. Mitchell is a lock to receive a max offer, but Gobert, who qualified for the supermax when he made an All-NBA team last year, is in a different situation.

All data collected during the playoffs would be a critical factor here, and if Utah is robbed of a chance to see how Gobert would’ve performed in that setting with Mike Conley and Bojan Bogdanovic folded into their system, how would they approach it all? In other words, if Gobert — who turns 28 in June and just made his first all-star team — is expecting the supermax, how will negotiations go? To say nothing about the state of his relationship with Mitchell — a variable that obviously matters and is unknown at the moment — the Jazz probably don’t want to invest a healthy chunk of a dropping cap in someone who barely touches the ball.

As painful as it’d be considering they clearly saw themselves as a title contender before the season began, the Jazz may take a step back for the sake of their long-term health, by shopping Gobert, letting Conley walk in free agency, and then rebuilding around Mitchell. That or they’ll come to some sort of agreement with their franchise center that’s well under the max and carry on like the shrewd franchise they are.

Houston Rockets

If the season does not return then Mike D’Antoni has likely coached his final game in Houston. Daryl Morey might not be the man who gets to hire his replacement, either. And with no firm evidence as to how their small-ball strategy would work in the playoffs, PJ Tucker, Eric Gordon, Robert Covington, and every other Rocket not named James Harden or Russell Westbrook would immediately find themselves in trade rumors.

However, if this season does return, few, if any teams will benefit more from the extended break. The tax Houston pays with their physically exhausting style of play will be less steep if Tucker, Harden, and Westbrook have several months off to recharge their batteries and hit the ground running on a chase for their first title.

Golden State Warriors

Steph Curry returned from hand surgery shortly before the break, but the Warriors are too far behind in the standings for Klay Thompson’s health to matter, whether he’s good to go in June or not. Here’s another angle, though: What happens to their draft pick?

Assuming the Warriors are looking to move that asset for more win-now contribution at some point before the draft, how does the absence of March Madness, the combine, and every other annual way for teams to study prospects impact how said teams value the picks in this year’s pool? With no obvious franchise-altering player for the taking, and no opportunity for anyone to improve how they’re perceived by evaluators, is this year’s first overall pick the least important in recent NBA history? And if the Warriors get it, knowing their unusual circumstance for a team in that type of position, what will they do?

Los Angeles Lakers

Los Angeles Clippers

Ever since Kawhi Leonard chose the Los Angeles Clippers over the Los Angeles Lakers, the basketball world was building towards a showdown between those two teams. Apologies to the Bucks, Rockets, Celtics, and Raptors, but a playoff series that doesn’t leave Staples Center was always the most important subplot of the season.

If it does not return, both franchises are humongous losers. Each has tethered itself to the present day. All their draft picks and intriguing young talent can now be found in Oklahoma City and New Orleans. LeBron James is 35 years old. Leonard and Paul George are in the middle of their respective primes but can become unrestricted free agents in 2021.

Stripping both teams of the opportunity to capitalize on the amount of talent they’ve compiled in the here and now could crush basketball in Los Angeles, even if Anthony Davis re-signs a five-year deal with the Lakers this off-season (which, like everything else in the world right now, is so far from a sure thing).

[fmlfpl]

Lineup Lamentations - GW5

Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s for the week!

—

WALSH

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Laporte - rip

IN: Otamendi - god help me

Unfortunately I was unable to save off the back of the WC which never feels great, but hopefully making a lateral swap here which frees up 1m to boot.

I don't really imagine this going well, since I have slated Ota for a while, and think he's more or less a red card shout / absolute shit house player generally speaking, but here we are.

If it's a transfer waiting to happen, so be it, but the bottom line is I still want a share in City's defense, I don't trust Everton for cleans still, and something didn't feel quite right going all the way down to a Burnley guy in a spot on my team which I realistically need to start week in week out... Until Pep shows us that he is willing to play anyone not named Otamendi as the LCB with Laporte out then I will just hope and pray he doesn't kill anyone (which would thus kill himself with a ban) and doesn't die. Whatever. Cue Dinho and Schtones at CB tomorrow.

Post international break GW is usually a complete disaster crisis gameweek so I am just simply trying to brace myself for it ahead of time.

GK:

Pope (bha)

Pope is looking good in this moment with the good run of fixtures incoming. He's been just a bit below average with only one return through four but the underlying metrics are looking good for him and hopefully he's just a long term hold guy I don't have to worry about.

DEF:

Alexander-Arnold & Robertson (NEW)

Trent and Robbo with the home banker okay lets go Livp. Early game so much of my mood for the ensuing foots will be decided by these boys. Realistically a win to nil at home against a bad bus feels like a reasonable expectation for this one so hopefully it comes to fruition.

Otamendi (nor)

New nightmare Ota is straight in, obv. Somewhat tricky away fixture for a clean but it's still City so he'll just be an auto start every game until I remove him.

Lundstram (SOU)

Finally, Lundstram gets his first go in my squad home to Soton.

I'm going to be rotating him in and out over the near term so we'll see if this is the beginning of something beautiful between us or the beginning of a fraught relationship that will lead to me hating him for the rest of my life. Time will tell.

MID:

Salah (NEW) & Sterling & De Bruyne (nor)

The trio of Mo Raz and Kev remain and likely will do for some time. Really nothing to say about these three other than they are good. Spots I don't really need to think about at this time.

McGinn (WHU)

Rounding out midfield is someone who is not really that good in McGinn.

Good home fixture with West Ham rolling up so hopefully he is able to get in there. If he looks bad and/or they look bad then I might fuck him off.

He's on a short leash, that's for sure, as he was really the one shit place I compromised on my WC team since I wanted to plump for Laporte... With that money freed up now, no other problems in my team, and a new price bracket open to me... I might fuck him off even if he does return. Who is to say?

FWD:

Pukki (MCI) & Haller (avl)

Pukki and Haller the two amigos seem like just a couple great value picks and happy to have them.

Great fixture for Haller and he might slowly but surely present himself as a long term hold. Stats and eye test are there with him not to mention the price is right - think he's a really tidy option.

Pukki has a tough fixture but as Farke showed us the lightning and thunder in GW1 at Anfield who knows what's what with them. Obviously they are completely decimated by injury, but I need to see multiple bad attacking performances before I begin to worry here.

CAP:

Sterling (nor)

Going back to the Raz well again. Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, fucking hell fuck me.

Still don't feel confident enough capping Kevin over Raz, and probably won't do all season, if I'm being honest here.

I think Norwich with no fit defensive players (Farke's words, not mine) and the style they employ is not a comparable fixture to a Newcastle bus so I didn't really think about Mo this weekend.

Counting on Raz to not have 0 shot attempts again this week. Obviously the trip to Ukraine midweek for UCL is a thing that is happening, but whatever. 

Trying to predict how Pep hands out minutes is like (insert funny thing here) and I don't really want to find some psychological line to talk me into Raz will play 53 minutes only to see him haul and play 88.

Been there before, not trying to go there again.

—

ALON

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Deulofeu

IN:  Che Adams

Gerry dropped all the way down to 6.2 so there was a relatively small and unimpressive pool of dudes for me to choose from for this punty spot in my team.

Realistically this is a one or maybe two week punt before I pop my Wildcard next week or the week after... Che has actually insanely good expected stats which is nothing to scoff at even though the goals have not flowed at all...

The greater skill to have and the harder skill to find is to keep getting off the high xG shots rather then to be finishing at a higher rate above your xG, if that makes sense... I hope I’ve worded that clearly...

Anyway, TLDR: Che is doing stuff, Southampton are an attacking team in an attacking setup, Ralph is good I like Ralph, and Soton have the fixtures over the next two. And that’s why I went Che.

COME ON CHE!!!

GK:

Ederson (nor)

City gotta clean their shit up a bit if they’re gonna be a 20+ cleans type of dominant force again this season but yeah of course I back them to do exactly that.

Eddy’s been mostly really good this season and I feel comfy with him.

DEF:

van Dijk (NEW)

It’s time for rotation to begin for the top teams... feels good to have the safety of VVD who is a rock. And this clean should be straightforward for Liverpool.

Digne (bou)

I’m a little nervy about Everton’s defending and their ability to limit good chances... Digne kinda papers over the cracks with his terrific attacking output, but if they start looking like cleans are going to be a rarity this season then even his attacking numbers will not make him worth the 6.0+ million.

Maitland-Niles (wat)

Ainsley AKA Ashley was rightfully so very deep on my bench for liv TOT and he put up one pointers in each of those so we’re fine.

In his two starts for me (GW1 and 2) he got twelve and two puntos respectively so he’s still been a sneaky great guy for me thus far... Arsenal’s very long very good run of fixtures starts now but Bellerin also is coming back soon so time is running out.

Hoping Arsenal can do a job and keep out the Quique Sanchez Flores bus this week and maybe he’ll sneak another attacking return. Come on Ashley.

Emerson (wol)

Starting Emmy here because Wolves suck at attacking and Chelsea could still keep a clean and Emerson could still get an attacking return who knows?

Rudi looks like he’s back this week which is a huge upgrade and Kante will be back soon which is another huge upgrade but yeah, not feeling great about this pick.

Also Emerson’s injury news doesn’t look great for me but if he doesn’t play I have Söy coming in in a cleanable fixture at Old Trafford so not too bad.

MID:

Salah (NEW) & Sterling & De Bruyne (nor)

Doing the trendy thing and just grouping these sexy fucks together because they’re all awesome and they have good fixtures and that’s all you need to know about that.

Mount (wol)

Everyone knows the deal with Mount. Looks great, takes a lot of shots, presses like a maniac, on frees and corners, it’s just good stuff. At his price it’s just good.

FWD:

Pukki (MCI)

Pukki in a yikes fixture here we go... Norwich are so fucked up and injured I don’t know I definitely don’t expect any points here but maybe they get one or two good counters or maybe Pukki takes a pen or something. He’s good enough to roll out there, for sure.

Adams (shu)

I said all I needed to say about lord Che in the transfers section.

CAP:

De Bruyne (nor)

I guess everyone has Sterling and a lot of people have Kun and understandably they’re garnering most of the captaincies that I’m seeing around the block.

Kevin, for me, so far this season is on a completely new level that we haven’t really seen from him before. His expected stats are out of control and he’s also got the seventh highest Fantasy Goal Involvement percentage of all mids at 54% which is craaaazy high for a team like City.

For what it’s worth too in the past Pep has rode Kevin like a horse in the league and he’s not really ever been a rotation risk. I feel ~some~ percent safer of him starting these kinds of games before UCL then I do with the forwards.

Come on Kev treat me.

—

RANDOM SLACKER OF THE WEEK: GNAR

The words of Random Slacker are not officially endorsed by this website nor any employees of FML FPL LLC.

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Laporte

IN: Otamendi

I don’t feel like I have too much choice in who to take out this week. Laporte having knee surgery and set to miss the rest of 2019 means he’s an absolute no brainer to axe.

Who to replace him with is a much more interesting question.

I’ve been playing 5 at the back all season and it hasn’t worked out as well as I’d hoped so far. But I do feel like I’ve been unlucky with Laporte’s injury and his missed clean sheet being the icing on the cake.

If I went for a cheapo like Lundstram, there aren’t many midfielders I’d be desperate to bring in with the spare cash, apart from KDB, who is out of my reach anyway. So I’ll be continuing my Heavy D strategy, bringing in Otamendi, who is 5.4 and nailed on in a top 2 defence.

GK:

Leno (wat)

New manager for Watford, so an inevitable new manager bounce.

I have Heaton (WHU) as a rotation option, but the odds point to Leno for the clean sheet, although it’s quite marginal.

DEF:

Digne (bou)

I didn’t watch their 3-2 victory against Wolves but I heard Digne looked defensively dodgy. I did watch their 2-0 defeat to Villa the previous week, and while Everton looked completely toothless and unconvincing, Digne at least offered a bit of attacking threat. I’m not expecting a clean sheet here, but Digne has 9 chances created this season. For a defender, that’s second only to…

Alexander-Arnold (NEW)

14 chances created – 14, compared to Digne’s 9; Trent absolutely wipes the floor.

I took a hit last week to upgrade VVD to Trent and I got an immediate positive net return from it. As well as his excellent attacking prospects, Liverpool also have the best clean sheet odds this week by quite a distance.

Robertson (NEW)

Very good chance of a clean sheet this week and although he’s no Alexander-Arnold, he also offers a very good goal threat.

Maybe I’m guilty of picking and choosing stats here, but out of defenders, Robertson’s 2nd for touches in the box this season (12), which is quite a biggie for me when assessing players’ attacking potential.

Otamendi & Zinchenko (nor)

Welcome to the team, Ota.

With Laporte injured, I expect Ota to nail down a place in the first team. Enough said.

Zinchenko has a bit of a Mendy threat looming, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, another well priced Man City defender who will trickle points as long as he starts. Lacks the explosiveness of KDB (yeah he’s explosive now) or Aguero, but for 5.5, I’ll take a 6 pointer every 2 weeks for sure.

MID:

Salah (NEW) & Sterling (nor)

Grouping these two together because there’s just not that much to say. The two best players in the game don’t need writing about, especially when their fixtures are as easy as this. The only question is which one to captain.

Mount (wol)

14 shots in total this season, 7 on target, both are the highest of any other midfielder. But with only 5 of those shots coming from inside the box and an xG of 0.82, perhaps he’s a bit opportunistic and has been a bit fortunate.

Mount still feels like a bit of an unknown quantity to me and I haven’t watched too much Chelsea this season, but he’s well priced and there are plenty of other options in his bracket, so happy to see how he gets on over the next few.

FWD:

Jota (CHE)

I always like to plan my ideal transfers a few weeks ahead.

Before the last gameweek started, I was planning Jota to Barnes. Unfortunately Laporte got injured, so my priority changed and Jota stays with me for one more week. And Barnes is now injured anyway, so maybe it’s a blessing in disguise.

Jota is a funny one. He’s scoring for fun in the Europa League, but looking absolute garbage the following Sunday in the Premier League. He was in the squad, but played 0 minutes in Portugal’s 2 games over the IB. I feel like Jota might redeem himself.

Pukki (MCI)

The main man for Norwich.

If they score, there’s a very good chance that Pukki will be involved.

As an Ota + Zinc owner though I’m kind of hoping they don’t.

CAP:

Salah (NEW)

A real coin toss.

Salah and Sterling are both fantastic options this week, like they are every week.

So far, every gameweek I’ve picked the lowest scoring one out of the two. In week 3, I went against my instinct and went for Raz over Mo, which backfired. This week, my instinct is telling me Mo so I’m just going with it.

[gabriellakirtonblog]

Exercise and Nutrition for Every Stage of a Mother’s Journey, from Conception to Menopause and Beyond

“Once postpartum, always postpartum.”

A woman’s body begins to change the moment she conceives. She’s the baby’s only source of food, shelter, and comfort for the next 40 weeks. By the time she delivers, her body is changed forever.

If you’re a trainer or nutritionist who works with women, you need to understand what those changes are, and how they affect your female clients from pregnancy to menopause and beyond.

We asked six experts—Erica Ziel, Jenny Burrell, Sarah Ellis Duvall, Rachel Cosgrove, Yusra Es-Haq, and Lulu Flores—to help you navigate the challenges of coaching clients at every stage of motherhood, and to offer solutions.

Part 1: Pregnancy

Part 2: Nutrition for new moms

Part 3: Postpartum recovery

Part 4: Returning to serious training

Part 5: Emerging from the fog of motherhood

Part 6: Menopause and beyond

Part 7: Final thoughts on coaching mothers

Part 1: Pregnancy

  Pregnancy affects every aspect of your client’s physiology. Every organ, every system, every ligament.

Her metabolic rate increases and her heart pumps more blood. Most pregnant women experience nausea in the first trimester, which is probably the body’s way of warning her off foods that might damage the fetus.

By the final weeks of the pregnancy, the baby is pulling calcium from her bones and protein from her muscles. Her own body is running on a higher percentage of fat so more glucose can go to the baby.

Most trainers focus on the hormonal surges that increase joint laxity, particularly in the lower back and pelvis. Those changes are apparent almost immediately, especially if the client has given birth before, says Erica Ziel, a core exercise specialist, author of The Knocked-Up Fitness Guide to Pregnancy, and mother of three.

“You’ve got to be a little more cautious about keeping this client from injuring herself,” she says.

But increased laxity doesn’t always mean your client has increased ranges of motion.

“You get some who become more flexible, but also some who get tighter,” Ziel says. “I think it’s the body’s way of protecting itself from overstretching.” It’s up to the trainer to monitor the client’s movement quality, making sure she’s in control no matter her range of motion.

Another way pregnant clients differ:

“An athlete might need to do less exercise because she doesn’t have the energy,” Ziel explains. That client can easily become overtrained if she continues her normal routine throughout her pregnancy.

“But when you get a woman who was previously sedentary, she can become quite a bit stronger as her pregnancy progresses,” she adds, as long as you start slow and gradually increase volume and intensity.

Every pregnant client, Ziel says, “should always feel better after a workout than when she started. Exercise doesn’t have to be excessive to be effective. If she feels tired and depleted after a workout, we overexercised her, and that increases stress.”

The key is to ensure there’s a purpose to everything you do in the program, the most important of which is to prepare her body for pregnancy, birth, and recovery.

In particular, you should take advantage of what Ziel calls her “superpowers”: “From a core perspective, she has this amazing feedback to make these muscular and fascial connections she’ll never have at any other time.”

What’s not important, Ziel says, is how many calories she burns in your workouts. “We have to get her mind off the scale. If she’s fit and she’s smaller, she’s likely to gain more weight, because she needs it.”

But, like everything else when it comes to motherhood, there’s nothing simple about pre- or postnatal nutrition and weight changes.

    FREE Social Media Content

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In celebration of Mothers Week at the PTDC, we’re offering 25 done-for-you social media posts, absolutely free.

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  Part 2: Nutrition for new moms

  Nutrition guidelines for pregnant and lactating women are relatively straightforward, says Yusra Es-Haq, a Level 1 Certified Online Trainer and nutrition coach mother of four who has multiple certifications in pre- and postnatal exercise:

First trimester: no additional calories needed

Second trimester: 300 to 340 additional calories

Third trimester: 450 additional calories

Breastfeeding: about 500 additional calories

But that doesn’t mean you should encourage a pregnant or breastfeeding client to count calories. “It’s added stress that a mama doesn’t need,” she says.

Coaches should instead focus on “building healthy nutrition and self-care habits they can practice postpartum, like consuming high-quality nourishing foods, eating slowly, listening to their body’s hunger and satiety cues, and resting as much as possible.”

Which would be wonderful if all your clients lived in a world where they can focus on themselves.

“Many mothers with newborns do not have a social or family support network,” says Lulu Flores, a nutritionist, certified lactation educator, and mother of one. “They’re alone with the baby at home—and, on many occasions, other young children.”

The consequences of that isolation—combined with stress, fatigue, and sleep deprivation—can go in two extreme directions, she adds: “Some mothers finish the day having eaten almost nothing, and some eat what they can, when they can.”

In Flores’ experience, many of them end up gorging on packaged baked goods. They’re easy to consume with one hand while holding a screaming baby and require no preparation or cleanup.

Another challenge: When pregnant or nursing women do focus on themselves, it’s often in unhealthy ways, Flores says:

Fear of excess weight gain leads some pregnant women to restrict calories. Sometimes that fear is reinforced by trainers and nutritionists giving them targets for daily calories and overall weight increases.

Lots of new mothers feel an urgency to drop their baby weight, with a few turning to crash diets.

If you think your client is going down a risky path with her diet, the best tactic is to show you care.

“You have to have a lot of empathy,” Flores says. “Let the mother know what the current recommendations are without making her feel judged, or that you despise her beliefs.”

Part 3: Postpartum recovery

  Your client has recently delivered her baby, and she’s ready to start training again. Kind of.

If she had a C-section, she’s recovering from a surgery that penetrated her skin, muscles, and connective tissues to reach into the uterus and pull the baby out.

If she had a vaginal delivery, she probably experienced some degree of tearing along her perineum. It’s typically worse for first-time moms, those who have larger babies, and those whose delivery involved forceps or a vacuum.

And no matter the type of delivery, she almost certainly has some amount of diastasis recti, a stretching and weakening of the linea alba, turning her six-pack muscle into a couple of three-packs.

“Diastasis is normal,” says Sarah Ellis Duvall, DPT, a physical therapist, mother of two, and creator of the Pregnancy and Postpartum Corrective Exercise Specialist certification. The severity is partly genetic, and partly due to how she trained—or didn’t train—during pregnancy.

To avoid making it worse, you have to know what to look out for, and use appropriate precautions, as explained in this article on training new moms.

Incontinence, though, is not normal. “Incontinence should be a wake-up call for women, especially younger women,” Ziel says. If your client is peeing every time she runs, jumps, or even laughs, it’s a sign of pelvic floor dysfunction. “Those muscles are either too tight or too weak, or a combination of both.”

But it’s not just the core and pelvic floor. “Diastasis is a full-body issue,” Duvall says. “It’s how you move, breathe, and load your body. The whole kinetic chain matters.”

Makes sense, right? That’s why, if you train clients in person, you probably use a movement screen, postural assessment, or both. And whether you train them in person or online, you surely focus on their exercise form.

But even then, things can go wrong. No matter how diligent you are with a pregnant client, or how cautious you are in your postpartum workouts, she may still end up with severe diastasis recti—or, worse, pelvic organ prolapse, when her bladder or rectum literally falls down into her vagina.

“It’s emotionally crushing,” Duvall says. “It’s your very sense of who you are.”

She speaks from personal experience.

Part 4: Returning to serious training

  Duvall has been a dedicated athlete her entire life, with a string of injuries almost as long as the list of sports she’s pursued.

That’s on top of her professional knowledge and experience as a physical therapist. Her doctoral project focused on the pelvis. And she still developed a prolapse after the birth of her second child.

“Nobody thinks it’s going to happen to them, until it happens,” she says. “Prolapse made me respect my body a lot more. Every injury teaches you something, and I like to learn the hard way.”

The problem begins when the pregnancy and delivery stretch out the tissues of the pelvic floor. But then it’s exacerbated by the way a new mom puts pressure on those tissues.

“People bear down to get the last rep,” she explains. “When it comes from the wrong place, it can make prolapse worse. It can make diastasis worse. Some people just have patterns of movement that inherently create pressure out or down. It’s hard to use the right mechanics when you don’t have the patterns in the right place.”

Duvall was one of those people, and had to learn how to do everything again, despite a lifetime of training and competing at a high level.

Athletes and fitness enthusiasts like her are often the highest-risk postpartum clients. They want to get right back to where they were. Ironically, she says, “it’s easier to work with someone who was on bedrest. They’re out of shape and feel out of shape. They’re more willing to start with the basics.”

With any postpartum client—whether they feel strong, weak, or anything in between—you need to identify their weakest link and design the program to address it, rather than building the workout around what the client can get away with it.

It’s the trainer’s job to find those weak links, and do it in a way that shows the client where she’s vulnerable. These are the tests Duvall uses:

1. Breathing pattern

Does she breathe into her belly? If she does, that’s a pretty good sign she’ll put pressure on her most vulnerable tissues if she tries to move a heavy load.

What you want to see, Duvall says, is a 360-degree breathing pattern:

Have your client sit upright on a chair or bench.

When she breathes in through her nose, her torso should expand in all directions—front, sides, back.

When she exhales through her mouth, her entire abdominal wall should flatten, not bulge.

2. Dead bug

“Can they stabilize their spine and pelvis,” Duvall asks, “or do they shift all over the place?”

And when they stabilize, can they breathe while maintaining a braced core?

3. Hip hinge

Duvall wants to see if the client can maintain a neutral lumbar position during a hip hinge, which requires eccentrically lengthening her glutes. If she needs to hyperextend her lumbar spine to bend forward, work on that before loading any hip extension exercise.

Also see if she can brace her core and control her hips. If her stomach bulges out, or if her hips move laterally, spend more time on stability work before jumping into deadlifts and squats.

4. Push-up

“I don’t assess a push-up in everyone because it’s hard,” Duvall says. But if the client passed the first three tests (and if you assessed her for diastasis recti, as shown in this video by Jessie Mundell), see how she does in the push-up position.

Can she load her core while continuing to breathe? As she lowers her body toward the floor, can she hold an abdominal brace?

What about her shoulder blades? Can she control them, or do they look like they’re trying to fly away?

5. Landing and loading

The final test, for a client who wants to return to high-level training, is “to see what happens dynamically at their hip, knee and foot when they land or load,” Duvall says.

If they can control those joints during a squat, kettlebell swing, or depth jump from a low box or step, they’re cleared for takeoff.

  FREE Social Media Content

Do you coach women? Or aspire to?

In celebration of Mothers Week at the PTDC, we’re offering 25 done-for-you social media posts, absolutely free.

Images and captions. Fully formatted. Professionally designed. Yours to share with your audience on your platforms.

Click here to collect your free social media content pack.

  Part 5: Emerging from the fog of motherhood

  Not every new mom gets right back to the gym. For some, it’s just not feasible. Many return to work soon after giving birth, and it might be years before they can squeeze a workout program into their schedule.

When they do come back, they’re most likely to do it at one specific time of the year:

“For us, September is like January,” says Rachel Cosgrove, co-owner of Results Fitness in Santa Clarita, California, and Results Fitness University, a coaching business for gym owners. “The kids are back in school, and they can start putting themselves first again. The mom’s like, ‘I have a few hours here. I can do this.’”

Those moms present unique challenges for coaches:

1. They’re deconditioned, but they’re not all deconditioned in the same way

Some have maintained a high activity level from keeping up with their kids. Others have been mostly sedentary.

Some are former athletes or gym rats who want to get back into what they were doing before. Others had never been in shape, and still have pregnancy- and delivery-related injuries like diastasis recti or prolapse to work around.

And if you do a postural evaluation before you start training, you’ll often see imbalances caused by holding their kid on one hip—usually on their dominant side—while they multitask, Cosgrove says.

They also have two things in common:

“They’re obviously motivated to get back in shape,” Cosgrove says. “They’ve gotten to a point where they’re tired of feeling the way they feel, and they want to do something.”

They can’t activate deep muscles in their core and pelvic floor. “The nervous system doesn’t know how to switch them on anymore,” she says. “You have to wake those muscles up again.”

 2. Many have used crash diets

“If they’ve tried to lose weight after pregnancy, a super-low-calorie plan seems to be the default,” Cosgrove laments. “The older they are, the more likely it is they’ve done that multiple times.”

You know how those diets are most likely to work out for your clients:

They lose weight fast, much of it from lean mass.

They regain the weight they lost, plus a few more.

They end up heavier than when they started, with less metabolically potent muscle tissue and a higher body-fat percentage.

That leads to perhaps the biggest challenge for a trainer working with these women: They measure progress with a scale. If it’s not going down, they assume the program isn’t working.

“Because they’ve had success with that diet in the past, even though it didn’t last, they think they have to do it again,” Cosgrove says. “We have to convince them to be consistent, fuel their body, and do strength training to build back their muscle while using a different form of measurement than the scale. And if they do those things, they won’t ever have to do a crash diet again.”

Part 6: Menopause and beyond

  You might think that the pre- and postnatal issues we’ve talked about so far no longer apply to women as they enter menopause. Mild forms of diastasis recti and prolapse typically resolve themselves within a year of giving birth, while more serious conditions have probably been addressed through physical therapy, if not surgery.

But you’d be wrong.

“For so many women the physiological legacy of their birthing years really do become apparent as they head to menopause,” says Jenny Burrell, founder of Burrell Education, whose education programs include a certification in peri- to postmenopause coaching.

The problem, she explains, is the decline in estrogen, which reduces the production of collagen by about 30 percent in the first five years of menopause. That, in turn, lowers both the quality and quantity of the connective tissues that hold their pelvic organs in place.

That’s why the risk of prolapse rises among postmenopausal women, including about 50 percent of those who’ve given birth. The drop in estrogen also leaves them metabolically wired to add visceral fat, while the loss of collagen makes it harder to build or maintain muscle tissue.

“This is also a time when women in general start moving less and eating and drinking more, both of which are really the opposite of what their bodies need,” Burrell says.

For those reasons, Burrell says two practices are non-negotiable for any coach who works with late-middle-aged women:

A detailed health and movement screen, including an assessment of pelvic floor function

A fully customized training program

Burrell uses herself as an example: “Although I’m a mother, I’ve never given birth. But if you screened me, I’d tell you that I have pelvic health issues usually associated with birthing.”

She’s had multiple surgeries, including a hysterectomy. That leaves her with significant complications and challenges:

“Hysterectomized women have an increased rate of pelvic organ prolapse,” she says. “So I avoid the exercises that I know make me symptomatic—running, skipping, and ballistic jumping.”

Her post-surgery scar tissue and adhesions necessitate a lot of mobility and soft-tissue work, which make up nearly half her workouts. This applies to any clients who’ve found themselves supine in an operating room, but will be more prevalent among your older moms.

The prolapse risk limits how much weight she can train with. “I look strong and probably could go heavier,” she says. “But will 80-year-old me thank me for that?”

That last question is an example of the “could/should math” every trainer has to do with every client in this demographic.

“We need to stop with the ‘beasting’ message,” Burrell says. “More exercise alone isn’t the fix. It’s hugely valuable and relevant to address their mental well-being, not just their physical well-being.”

Lots of women in this stage of life are what Burrell calls “the meat in the sandwich”—taking care of their parents while also helping their kids. “Women at this time are generally time-poor and exhausted,” she adds. “Whatever programming you create for them has to be sympathetic to the reality of their lives.”

And here’s a radical thought: Even though they come to you for fitness training, what they need most may be lifestyle coaching, Burrell says. Or just to be heard.

Part 7: Final thoughts about training new moms

  If we had to summarize what we just learned from our six experts on training and feeding mothers, it might be something like this:

Address each client’s issues as thoroughly as you can, as early as you can. Every injury, complication, or dysfunction you address now will help your client enjoy a healthier, more active life for years down the road.

You can’t help your client unless you listen to her, and meet her where she is, rather than where you think she should be.

“We need to work with the person in front of us,” rather than viewing them through the filter of our own preferences and biases, Es-Haq says.

“Pre- and postnatal women are more than a collection of muscles, tissues, bones, and tendons. They’re individuals with goals, hopes, dreams, beliefs, and history, and as trainers we need to acknowledge that. We need to help them in a way that serves them, not a way that suits us.”

So even though you’re helping them through the awesome and difficult process of creating and nurturing life, you’re also on a journey of your own.

“We shouldn’t be afraid to ask questions,” she says. “We shouldn’t be afraid to be wrong and admit it. Growth comes from a place of discomfort and uncertainty. That’s how we get better at what we do, and that’s how we serve and empower our clients.”

  We Just Solved Your Biggest Social Media Challenge

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“Training my clients is like a job and a half. How can I find time to create and share social media posts?”

We’ve got good news for you:

In celebration of Mothers Week at the PTDC, we’re offering 25 done-for-you social media posts, absolutely free.

Images and captions. Fully formatted. Professionally designed. Yours to share with your audience on your platforms.

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  The post Exercise and Nutrition for Every Stage of a Mother’s Journey, from Conception to Menopause and Beyond appeared first on The PTDC.

Exercise and Nutrition for Every Stage of a Mother’s Journey, from Conception to Menopause and Beyond published first on https://onezeroonesarms.tumblr.com/

[anxietycalling]

... is this thing on?

HA. After like two months of trying to break into my own goddamn tumblr account, I finally figured out what password I used. So hi. Hello. Welcome back to the internet, self.

I mostly wanted to log in to give some updates about my life and start, you know, documenting it as there is some monumental stuff in the works for me this year. I’ll put the rest of it under a cut because I’m not a barbarian.

So one of the biggest changes for me since the last time I blogged reliably is that I got diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. That was, uh, two years ago? Somewhere in that general timeframe. It’s not really that surprising, given my mother’s extreme fastidiousness that she later admitted to me is untreated OCD. I’m the only person I know who can walk soundlessly in pitch dark and make entire meals without touching food with my hands because of that. But anyways, I guess the reason it didn’t get diagnosed sooner is because, as my wonderful psychologist puts it, “You’re too smart to fall for obvious compulsions because you’re aware of how they affect your public perception, so you get trapped in the ones that are more realistic.” In other words, I intellectualize my OCD too much.  That’s not to say it doesn’t affect my life though! For... probably about a year, maybe more, I had a crippling fear of handling or preparing food for others because I had a persistent obsession that I would accidentally poison someone. At its worst it got so bad that I couldn’t touch plastic wrap or open packaging, either. Through cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and exposure response prevention (ERP), my symptoms have decreased to the point where I’m able to cook for myself and others again. I still seek reassurance more than I should - which is another symptom of OCD - but I’m working on it. Baby steps!  Most of my symptoms are manageable now, but I do still get ‘stuck’ sometimes. Like I said, I have a wonderful psychologist. She makes me do things I don’t want to do. She’s nice about it, but she’s a bit of a stickler for progress. Which is good! She’s very practical in a way that previous therapists of mine haven’t been. I don’t like the ooey-gooey “How does that make you feeeeeel? How does it relate to your tortured chiiiiildhood?” nonsense, so I’m glad we can skip that. For years I thought I was just bad at therapy, so I didn’t pursue it. Turns out that the right person with the right counselling philosophy can be a great asset in managing mental illness. Which leads me to the reason I sought out a therapist to begin with...

When I moved to Ottawa, I got a regular endocrinologist for the first time in my life. She’s wonderful and willing to work with her patients at their own level. My husband goes to the same endo (but more on him in a second...) and seeing the differences in the way she interacts with each of us is awesome. She takes time to answer my many questions and often has great practical advice about managing hormone replacement therapy. My testosterone levels have been stable for... three years now? Maybe a little more? Aside from one set of bloodwork where my hemoglobin was high, there haven’t been any major hiccups. And my endo said that it wasn’t necessarily concerning, just a precaution because we don’t know what the effects of heightened hemoglobin levels in transgender men are yet. Another thing my endocrinologist does is refer her patients to other relevant services. After my second or third appointment with her, she wrote my letter of recommendation to the government so I could change my gender designation on my birth certificate. She also did the paperwork for OHIP to cover my top surgery. I got the letter from the Ministry of Health a couple of weeks later, and started down the path to actually, you know, getting surgery. It’s more complicated than you think! She recommended me to the Montreal GRS clinic (Drs. Brassard, Belanger and Bensimon). There is a fair amount of paperwork that they request before your file even gets passed to the surgery team. One of those things was a letter of recommendation from a health professional that meets the WPATH standards of care. That’s when my endo recommended my therapist to me. The WPATH standards of care require at least 6 months of follow-up from the practitioner, so I sat down in that office once a month until I got my dang letter. And what a letter it was! Cori, my therapist, basically wrote a strongly worded letter that implies her disapproval over needing a letter at all. Why, you may ask? Because I already had years of documentation detailing my gender dysphoria and persistent desire for surgery. Literal years of it, dating back to... 2007 or so. But she wrote the letter, we continued on, and my brain is much healthier than it’s been for years. 

Getting my IDs changed was a lot more work than I expected. Like, I knew that it would take a fair amount of paperwork, and I was prepared for that. I did my gender marker change first, which involved first getting the letter of recommendation notarized and sending it off to the government to get a shiny new birth certificate with an ‘M’ on it. It took about 4 months to get my first birth certificate. After that, back to city hall I went to change the gender on my driver’s license and health card. Getting the gender marker changed was inexpensive - I paid $35 for the new birth certificate plus postage. Ottawa city hall has services that will commission (notarize) your documents for free, so I didn’t pay for that, but normally in our city it costs between $15-20.  Next I did my name change. The form itself is about 30 pages or so, and most of it is just checking boxes like “Hey, I’m not a criminal, I’m not hiding from any debts,” and then getting it notarized and mailing it off. The name change took the longest - I waited about 6 months for my new birth certificate. Changing the name on my IDs was easy. All I had to do was go back to city hall (again) and wait in line (again) and update my drivers’ license, health card and social insurance file.  For about the first month after my name change, I had a folder I carried everywhere with me. You never really realize how many places you give your name to until you have to change it. The gym, doctor’s offices - despite having socialized healthcare and a (mostly) computerized system, you have to remember to change your name at every doctor’s office you visit separately. Now I have my updated IDs, so I can just show my driver’s license. 

Now I’m going to talk about the path to getting a surgery date at GRS Montreal. Yes, I got the letter for my OHIP funding relatively quickly, but actually getting my file to the surgical team was a logistical disaster. I’m not saying this is a bad thing, by the way - I’m glad that they’re doing their due diligence and making sure everything is well documented. It’s just kind of hard when you’ve already waited for so long to stay patient.  So, yes, I got my letter from Cori after 6 months. The reason I’m so irritated about it to this day is that a couple of months after they insisted they needed this letter, I got another email from the clinic saying they didn’t need it. And then they went back and forth on it another couple of times, so Cori and I just said fuck it and did it anyways, because I do not have the patience for that kind of back-and-forth. During the interim while I was getting regularly therapized, I also did all of the medical components they required. It was basically just a visit with my family doctor so he could sign a form and say “Hey, this guy is healthy enough for surgery and I am competent to handle any complications.”  I know that doesn’t sound like a lot, but having to fill out a million checkboxes and saying ‘No’ to a million health conditions I don’t have, multiple times, gets a bit tedious after a while. So I did all of that, and then I sat on my hands and waited. And waited. And waited some more. I prodded them occasionally via email, because I’m impatient at the best of times and am often bossy and direct with health professionals. Finally, after another 6 months, they passed my file on to the surgical team, who actually called me on the phone promptly to tell me the next steps. The surgical nurse literally emailed me an info packet on Jackson-Pratt drains while on the phone with me.  They gave me my surgery date in September. And now we wait again. I’m leaving for Montreal on February 25th. At this point I’m just impatient and trying to keep busy. 51 more days. The closer it gets, the more time stands still. 

My bio-dad died in... 2017? Something like that. I know, it sounds awful that I don’t remember when he died but also, he was just a shit person. He abused me, he let his girlfriend abuse me, and he continued being a terrible person even in death. There was money for me in some account he had (and had forgotten), apparently, and I spent almost a year trying to figure out how to get it with no luck. Seriously. Even my mom, who had long since divorced my bio-dad and remarried, tried - because the account manager said she had to be the one that accessed the account, even though it was in my name and I’m an adult... and my mother’s lawyer looked at the whole thing, figured out that it was super illegal, and the investment firm stopped returning my calls. What a fucking scam. And yes, I could pursue it legally if I wanted to, but I really don’t want to. I don’t have the patience or the money for lawyers.  Everyone in my family is unequivocally mad at me for not going to the funeral. I mean, why would I? Why would I go to the funeral of a man who sexually abused me and chose alcohol over both of his kids? But my family tends to be very “But faaaaaaamily!”, therefore, most of them have stopped speaking to me.  I’m not really upset by his dying, by the way. I kind of made peace with it in like 2013 or so the first time my mother called me sobbing to tell me he was on his deathbed. I wasn’t surprised then, either, that he had congestive heart failure due to alcoholism. He was so jaundiced the last time I saw him in person that he looked like a Simpsons character. He didn’t recognize me, either. My brother had to tell him that I was his own child. So that pretty much killed any kind of forgiveness I could have had for the man. To his credit, he maybe kind-of tried. If trying is calling me, on purpose, on my birthday every year to tell me what a woman I am and am becoming. Ugh. Gross. Grossgrossgross.  Also, and this is a big Also, I could not have stomached that funeral when everyone was acting like his death was so Tragic and Could Not Have Been Foreseen. Like! I remember from childhood that that man could put away a 24-pack of beer in a day. One of my fondest childhood memories of him - if you can call them that - is bottle return day, where we would wait for my mom to leave for work and then sneak his empties out of the house to return for the deposit, which he would then use to buy more beer and buy KFC for lunch. And this is a secret that we kept from my mother for, like, years. I don’t think she really ever knew the extent of his drinking. Or mine, when I was still drinking.  I wasn’t ever really bothered by his death. I had a breakdown about it, sure, but it was more about the finality of his having died without standing up for myself or demanding an explanation/apology for his behavior towards us, or for raping my brother’s girlfriend, or... anything.

I had a job with great pay, and I fucking quit it.  No, seriously. I was making $18 an hour and I walked away from it because it was driving me to a nervous breakdown. I wasn’t sleeping, I was barely eating, and I couldn’t have a day off without obsessively thinking about work. I got promoted way too quickly and sort of lied-to way too often about how things would change, they never did, and finally in October I couldn’t handle it anymore. I saw Cori and she basically told me that I needed to quit or she’d make me. And I still feel kind of bad about that, because Ash and I fought about that for months beforehand. Literal months. It’s the only thing we’ve ever fought about. But I sat in that office in tears about the thought of ever going back to McDonald’s, and it was the right choice.  The first month was really hard. Not financially - I had decent enough savings to float us for a couple months. But emotionally, I was devastated. I’ve always kind of vacillated my self-worth between pushing myself way too hard to try and force everyone to like me and crumbling under the pressure from that and turning inwards. I had no idea what to do with myself. I was sleeping at weird hours or not sleeping at all. The cats were glad I was home, and so was Ash, but I felt really sick not doing anything - or at least as much. Even with school, I felt kind of aimless. Online classes don’t really demand specific time frames. Yeah, there are due dates, but aside from that you’re really on your own.  Now I’m glad that I quit when I did. From what my friends who still work there tell me, things have only gone downhill. It’s not surprising. They take anyone who’s halfway competent and seduce them with promises they have no intention of keeping to accept promotions and then never follow through. They push people way too hard and they’re not growing and changing with the economy and the demographic of people they’re able to hire for minimum wage. Like, I’m sorry, but once I’ve recovered from surgery there are way better jobs I can get that will keep my brain way healthier. 

The husband. Well, to-be. We’re going to do it on paper at Halloween. Nothing flashy, just going to city hall and signing some papers and then it’s done. I’m not sure exactly where to start on this one because most of it happened so fast. I kind of dicked around with online dating for a bit and nothing really came of it; I had lost expectations around the time he messaged me. There was nothing that immediately said “Hey, you’re going to fall in love with this person!” but I took the leap anyways. I was having a hard time coming to terms with being gay and trans, so a low-stakes thing with less expectation seemed nice to me. ... And then we talked, and we both fell hard. I moved to Ottawa 2 months later, after a fairly tumultuous time going back and forth on the train pretty much every 4 or 5 days. I spent most of my money on traveling those months. It was extremely worth it.  I knew I was in it for the long-haul when he called me while I was on the train home one day. I’d just left, much against my better judgment, and he had a doctor’s appointment that I’d wanted to go to. Ash is not great at asserting himself with doctors. Like I said, I’m bossy and controlling, so this one would’ve been good for me to be at. He called me basically in tears. Something was weird with his bloodwork, and not only could he not start testosterone as originally planned, but his doctors thought he had leukemia.  In typical me fashion, I basically got home, worked a day or two and immediately turned around and came back. There were tests. There was bloodwork. Much of it is a blur, but the thrilling conclusion is that doctors often don’t know how to interpret Ash’s blood results because he doesn’t have a spleen, so his blood is shaped wrong. No cancer! Just weird blood and a crappy immune system. But that crystallized it for me. We moved into a friend’s place for a couple of months, and then, when we could, moved into our current apartment. And for a couple of months it was nice! Great, even! But our roommate’s girlfriend, who also lived with us, had a poorly managed personality disorder and was emotionally and sexually abusive to our wonderful roommate. It took months, but eventually we evicted her after having secret meetings away from the house to come up with a battle plan. In the end, she had to be removed by police and her parents had to come get her things. It’s something I hope I never have to do again, because it felt awful and the girl’s poor parents were clearly devastated.  We parted ways with the roommate in June. Amicably, but a bit sad. Part of it was that we had outgrown having roommates, and part of it is that our roommate, while a wonderful person, has a serious hoarding disorder related to anxiety that clashed awfully with my OCD symptoms. They’re in a house with some wonderful people now, so hopefully it’s better with people who are able to be supportive in a more helpful way.  All of this to say that I have a wonderful husband, who I love very much. 

Which brings me to my next point. Jeez, this is turning into a novel. I’m so sorry. But anyways, I started university in September! It’s been tough what with the work stuff, but I’m doing pretty well. I’m majoring in psychology and desperately white-knuckling my way through introductory biology so I can take cognitive neuropsychology classes next year. Eventually I’d like to become a clinician, but I’m pretty sure I need to go to graduate school for that. I’m taking less classes than I’d like because of surgery, but I’m going to take summer classes to make up for it. 

Also because Ash had to have emergency surgery before Christmas! We’d known something was wrong with his elbow for a while - it was an injury that he’d had since before we met. But over the course of 3 years, an injured elbow turned to a lump, and that lump lead to a loss of mobility. His family doctor didn’t seem overly concerned about it, and didn’t run the proper tests until this year. Thanks to a concerned sports medicine doctor who was way out of his depth, more tests were run. There’s nothing quite like the concerned, hushed tone of a doctor to strike fear into one’s heart. The diagnostic imaging showed a tumor had grown in Ash’s elbow. I named him Leopold.  A non-cancerous, aggressive giant cell tumor. In his elbow. Literally eating away at the bone. Likely had been for a while. They called us on a Wednesday. Ash went to meet the surgeon on Thursday. The hospital called the same day to book him for surgery. Monday he went to meet with the anaesthesiologist. Tuesday we went to the hospital and they removed Leopold. And let me tell you, it was an absolute shit show.  First of all, they expect a man who’s still drugged up from the anaesthesia to be able to decide if he can go home that night or not. They wouldn’t even let him call me before making him decide. Listen, this man is not great at taking decisive action in the best of circumstances sometimes. I actually ended up going home to feed the cats and going back before anyone even told me whether he was coming home or not! Then the post-operative nurses didn’t give clear directions on the aftercare, so I ended up calling the hospital multiple days in a row to figure out what was going on. They didn’t even tell me what type of stitches he had. I think the worst part was that the doctors didn’t actually check with us what kind of painkillers would be most appropriate. They just sent us home with a list, half of which wasn’t covered by insurance, and we had to white-knuckle it the first night with basically good intentions and fancy Tylenol before we could borrow the money for the rest of his painkillers the next morning. I honestly wasn’t sure we would survive that first night. Because the damage to the elbow was so severe, they put a nerve block into the arm that slowly started wearing off through the night. I never want to see anyone in that much pain. It was the kind of pain where you’re not even human anymore; you’re reduced down to an animal who’s scared and in pain, and all you want is for it to stop. I know it was necessary, what they did, to preserve motor function in the arm, but fuck, it was awful. I’m doing a bad job of explaining the technical side of this. It was an elbow resection with tumor removal and a bone graft.  The bone graft actually might be the worst part. Because the tumor ate so much of the bone, we had to do the surgery pretty much immediately because any kind of impact could have shattered Ash’s remaining bone permanently. And they had to be so, so careful during the procedure because the tumor was resting on a nerve. To the surgeons’ credit, they did not sever the nerve. It’s less irritated now, and the arm actually looks quite good, but I wish they’d given us more information ahead of time. I was woefully unprepared for how much work I would be doing. You never realize how much work your hands do until they’re taken away from you. Also, something else people never talk about with surgery is how much painkillers mess with your mood. Opioids are by nature depressants, but all the textbooks downplay exactly how severe the mood symptoms can be. Of course being bedridden plays into it as well, but painkillers severely inhibit cognitive function. That first week or so was awful. There were so many goddamn medications and most of them were useless. We were like robots, with the fucking medication dispensing. I had alarms set every 4 hours so the pain couldn’t come back. We tried. We tried so fucking hard, only to get to the follow-up appointment and have a very nice medical student give us the good stuff: Tylenol # 3 and morphine. Did I mention she was a very nice med student? 

So yes, that’s basically the state of my life at the moment. I haven’t really written anything since I left California, but I’m going to try this year to actually finish something. I’m going to post regularly, both because I kind of missed this place and because it’s nice to see concrete progress. Also, when I was looking for pictures of surgery results there wasn’t a lot to be found, so I’m trying to save someone else the same trouble.

Anyone who actually read to the end of this, you’re great and I’m very sorry I basically wrote a novel about my life. I know my descriptions are lacking in some places, so feel free to... ask follow-up questions, I guess? I dunno. It’s nice to be back. 

[paradoxicalca]

r/hockey NHL Power Rankings Week 7: Spicy Edition

/r/Hockey NHL Power Rankings Week Nov 11, 2019 - Nov 17, 2019Thank YouThank you to all of the volunteers doing the power rankings. Each ranker has their own system and have their own reasonings and analyis. It truly is a lot of work.RankersSpoilerOrganizersSpoilerVisualizationThe visualization contains historical data, so you can see how your team has done over time. Hopefully, we can run this for many years in hopes that we can see the rise and fall of teams by /r/hockey opinion.It automatically updates so feel free to bookmark. You can find it hereProcessHow does this work? Throughout the course of the week rankers are able to access an app that will allow them to rank teams. At the end of the period we calculate the average ranking for every team and collate all of the analysis provided by rankers.The app then generates a post that is first proofread and then posted to /r/hockey!Rankings (29/31 Rankers Reporting)Ranking (avg)TeamDeltaOverall RecordRecord This WeekComments1 (1.34)Washington Capitals-15-3-42-1-1Best team in the league, full stop.2 (2.2)New York Islanders114-3-12-0-0The magic continues. Point streak of 14 games, of which 13 were wins. It looked in danger down 3-0 in Philly, but the guys who have been really hot, Barzal and Beauvillier, stayed hot bringing the Isles back. Brassard is playing amazingly on Nelson's wing, currently looking like the best signing across the league this past summer. Goaltending showed some signs of regression this week but the team still found a way to win. Ladd looks to have returned to full health, or at least as close as he can get anymore, but is in Bridgeport for the time being. Will be interesting to see if he makes his way up to the NHL or gets hurt before he gets the chance.3 (3.69)Boston Bruins-112-3-51-0-2Well, at least it's a point streak as the injuries mount up with Krug joining the IR and Bergeron not playing against the Caps. I hope Bruce made the team bagskate penalty shots until they scored 3 each on Halak and Rask. In Bruce's tenure as Head Coach, the team has a record 3-14 in shootouts. I can't fault the goalies either but it's pretty much a given that if you take the Bruins to a shootout, the other team will get the W. I'm not expecting miracles there but at least near 0.500.4 (5.63)St. Louis Blues-12-4-50-1-2The Blues have been winning a lot despite relatively poor play for a while now, and this week they finally had some down games. Just from the eye test, they look good but not good enough. If they don't rebound in the next week expect them to severely drop5 (6.03)Edmonton Oilers-13-6-31-1-1This team needs to make up its fucking mind. Blown out by the Sharks then blowing out the Avs then tossing away a victory with an OT loss against the Stars. The team still lives and dies on the Powerplay. Best Powerplay in the league, but nearly all the offence is produced through the Powerplay. The 5-on-5 play needs substantial improvement. The bottom six is a disaster. And then the reason we still lead the Pacific: Leon Draisaitl and Connor McDavid. WE ARE MERE MORTALS IN FRONT OF THESE GODS. Solid shout-out to Nuge, Klefbomb, Bear, Koskinen, Smith, Khaira and Nurse. 4 consecutive divisional games next week. If the Oilers do well here, they will continue to stand above the Pacific, but any faltering here and they will take a dive in this competitive division.6 (6.4)Colorado Avalanche-12-6-22-1-0Injuries yay! This week started off taking out Francouz and having us call up our 3rd and 4th goalies to play games. Also RIP Calvert hope he is ok. Adam Werner stole the show against the Jets, but he had a lot more trouble with McDavid and Drai. Bibeau was serviceable vs the Canucks, but we would love Grubauer or Francouz to get healthy, both are on the trip as we carry 4 goalies. The good news is the team looked good with solid chemistry and MacKinnon and Makar have just taken over. On the bad side the defense looks scattered and it doesn't help our young goalies. Next up is the second half of our Western Canadian trip and Saturday finishes with a Hockey night in Canada game against the Leafs in Denver. Makalder Watch: Cale Makar is amazing, on track for the best rookie season by a defenseman in decades. He had 6 points in three games with another Game winner against the Jets. His defense has also been getting better and better he had some great plays against the Canucks.7 (8.74)Carolina Hurricanes212-7-13-0-0Rob the Bod has the team back on track but the competition they faced wasn’t overtly difficult and they barely eked out wins against the Wild and Buffalo. For a team that is considered to have one the best overall defense in the league giving up a tying goal late each game is unacceptable.8 (9.23)Arizona Coyotes612-7-23-1-0The Yotes went 3-1 over the previous week, setting NHL history by becoming the first team to sweep the previous 2 Stanley Cup Champions in back-to-back games (of 69 potential times in history). The success is being driven by the rock-solid goal tending tandem in net, with Kuemper picking up a shutout over Calgary, and almost picking up a goalie fight as well. Defense has also been rock tight. It isnt consistently pretty, but this team is finding ways to win, taking 3 of 4 games this week (2 through the shootout).9 (10.77)Pittsburgh Penguins-111-7-21-1-1"I need to be fire," he said with a laugh. "I will be fire." This is Geno Malkin as we know him stepping up in the absence of Crosby who needed surgery and will be out for a couple months. Geno along with the rest of the walking wounded that is the Penguins lineup, struggled to finish their many chances in losses against the Rangers and Devils this week. The Pens controlled possession, got solid defensive efforts from the backend, and played tough and resilient for a team whose players are dropping left and right. Saturday the Penguins got their bounces and lit up the Maple Leafs unleashing the power of Geno’s fire straight to the seat occupied by Leafs coach Mike Babcock who got an earful from his home crowd. The Penguins are no strangers to playing without Sid, and with a continued effort to solid defensive hockey they will tread water until he can come back and lead the Pens into the playoffs once again.10 (11.29)Montreal Canadiens811-5-42-0-1After earning 5 of 6 points in an emotional week highlighted by a stunning road upset of the NHL-leading Capitals, the Habs cruise to the quarter-mile post in 2nd place in the fierce and unforgiving Atlantic division. They've done it with a high-octane and well-balanced offense that's been a nightmare to defend. Even slumps by Domi and Drouin haven't slowed the Habs down, thanks (in part) to Tatar's great start and Suzuki's emergence as the most exciting rookie east of the Rockies. If Price, Petry and Weber stay healthy this team could do some serious damage in the 2nd half. Keep in mind GM Bergevin has the cash (cap space), the credit (draft picks/prospects), and the biceps to make a major purchase at the trade deadline. This is a team to watch.11 (13.31)Dallas Stars1111-8-23-0-0Where has this team been hiding all season?? The stars seem to have suddenly figured how to do that hockey well.12 (13.34)Buffalo Sabres-210-7-31-1-1We are playing for a top pick right now. I can't honestly believe we beat Ottawa, let alone in regulation. This incredible trainwreck would be unfathomable in a vacuum, but given that this same sequence happened literally last year, I'm less shocked. If we don't have either Jack or Sam for any length of time, we can write this year off as a straight-garbage-fire loss. How many games has it been since someone other than them has scored? Our secondary scoring is so cold that if you lined Jimmy Vesey up in interstellar space, heat would flow from space into his body. We were first in the league!13 (14.03)Winnipeg Jets712-8-12-1-014 (15.09)Tampa Bay Lightning39-6-21-1-0Tampa looked amazing against NY, but meh against the Jets. Did a great job of capitalizing on PPs during the NY game, but went back to spending too much time in the box against Winnipeg.15 (15.74)Vancouver Canucks-310-7-41-1-1The Canucks went 1-1-1 this week, finishing off a four game home stand with a total of 3 points. Underlying numbers remain promising, but results are sporadic and it appears we are seeing the Canucks settle closer to what can be expected out of a young team. I've seen people discussing the DJ again, which usually says more about dissatisfaction with the on-ice product than it does about whatever cheesy tunes are being played. That said, the Canucks still potted 11 goals in their last 3 games, Hughes had 2 assist Saturday night, Demko remains solid (and at times brilliant), and the hockey is fun as hell for a bubble team. The power-play remains inconsistent, because this is ice hockey and nothing is consistent. After a too-good-to-be-true start, fans may need to re-calibrate expectations in order to enjoy the grind as the season wears on.16 (15.77)Nashville Predators-99-7-30-2-0Well this is the easiest blurb I've written in my time doing these power rankings: something is fucked with this team right now, and the fanbase is quickly turning against itself questioning what the problem is. Has Lavi lost the room? Is Pekka on the decline? Is the defense breaking down too much? Was Duchene worth it? What does it say that Bonino is our second leading goal scorer? Is our third D pairing holding us back? Is everyone just overreacting to a cold streak? What should our next banner say? I don't really have any answers, but I do know watching the last few games has not been fun. Also, we're currently on the outside looking in at 5th in the Central so that's cool I guess. Oh look, Chicago won another game so now we're 6th. Fuck.17 (16.43)Vegas Golden Knights-610-9-31-2-0The most recent win can't hide the fact that the Golden Knights were just in a 5 game winless streak. Underlying numbers suggested that the Knights are playing better than their record shows but blown leads, missed opportunities, and 3rd period collapses we're a theme during the team's slump. We'll see if the win against Calgary is a start of fixing those issues.18 (16.94)Philadelphia Flyers110-6-40-1-2I mean taking the top two teams in the league (Islanders and Caps) to the SO means we can Fly with the best of em. But losing in regulation to the Sens means that we can Die with the worst of em. We still need the veterans to step up a bit more, but the young guns have been doing well to keep us in games (TK, Lindblom, Hart). Also can the NHL STOP SETTING GAMES ON THE ONLY NIGHTS THAT I WORK LIKE COME ON GUYS I LIKE WATCHING HOCKEY TOO. Ted Talk over, Praise Gritty19 (17.49)Anaheim Ducks-310-9-21-1-1This season feels like a rerun. Looks like a losing home stand came 1 month earlier than last year. A poor effort against the oilers after 4 days off. Similarly poor effort against the wild. I don’t see the fight. I don’t see the ducks ready to start any game lately. Song of the week: Free fallin’ - Tom Petty and the heartbreakers20 (17.89)Florida Panthers110-5-52-1-0The Panthers had a fantastic comeback victory against the Bruins early in the week. They showed a lot of character and determination. This team doesn't quit when they get scored on and fall behind which is great because goaltending has been, let's put it nicely, garbage. Overall it was a good week with a rare regulation loss and win.21 (18.51)Calgary Flames-610-10-30-3-0Oof. The Flames scored 1 goals in 3 games this week, and conceded 12. They have not led at any point in about 220 minutes. In short... the Flames are a bad hockey team right now.22 (19.54)San Jose Sharks210-10-13-0-0The San Jose Sharks are 6-0-0 in the (2019-20) Radim Šimek era! In all seriousness, the team is looking much better than they did for the first ~15 games. The offence is getting more creative and it's showing, and the D has tightened up. I really like the line of Meier-Hertl-Goodrow and I hope PDB doesn't blend them too soon, and Kane-Cooch-Labanc have looked pretty good too. Karlsson and Vlasic have cleaned up their play since they've been together, and Šimek has really anchored Burns, which is exactly what we needed from him. The Sharks aren't out of the woods yet and there's improvements to be made, but we're playing much better than we have been. G23 (20.37)Toronto Maple Leafs-109-9-40-3-0The weather is getting colder, and the leaves are falling. Big time. After a rough start for the backup Hutchison v Chicago, he was waived on Monday and the Leafs called up Kaskisuo to backup Freddy Andersen. On Wednesday, the Leafs fell behind twice but only came back once, losing 5-4. Then, a 4-2 loss to Boston extended the Leafs losing streak to 4 games. This was further extended to 5 after Kaskisuo's NHL debut against the Penguins, as he got completely hung out to dry, as the Leafs got clobbered 6-1. Offensively, it doesn't look like there's much effort or care. Too many passes. Defensively, too many passes to the other team. It's bad. Be sure to check out r/leafs for any information you need about leaves!24 (23.54)Chicago Blackhawks29-7-43-0-0The Blackhawks beat the Golden Knights for the first time in franchise history. The Hawks are 5-0-1 since tweaking their system, scoring 4+ goals in each of those 5 wins. Kane has 8G, 9A and points in each of our last 9 games. Dach has 4G, 2A and points in each of our last 4. 5-on-5 goals by Hawks defensemen: 1 in our first 17 games, 4 in the last 3. The Hawks are 4-0-0 on the tail end of back-to-backs, thanks to an excellent goaltending duo.25 (24.94)New York Rangers-28-8-21-2-0Shitty week overall. Started off solid with a OTW against the Pens with Kakko scoring two goals including the overtime winner. After that, the Florida trip got real bad real fast. The Lightning blew us completely out of the water 9-3. Chytil scored two goals, but beyond that there wasn't too much good. In the game against the Panthers, Panarin attempted to carry us to a W singlehandedly, but we came up short. Hopefully once Zibanejad comes back, we'll find a little more consistency and we can pull out some more wins.26 (26.46)Columbus Blue Jackets-17-8-41-0-1"We are one god damn uptight team" - John Tortorella27 (27.37)Los Angeles Kings38-11-13-0-0The Kings had a perfect week- despite being against mostly low opposition. The lower half of the Pacific is getting spicy- although the Kings still sit at the very bottom.28 (27.4)New Jersey Devils17-8-42-1-0Suspicious shifty eyes * 2 wins in a row? All that did was probably buy Hynes more time before the inevitable. 3 games upcoming, Bruins, Pens, Red Wings. *The Good:** We won 2 games against decent opponents in the Pens and Habs, back to back, with Blackwood in net both games. Simmonds has 3 goals in the last 4 games and the goals seems to be coming in from all over the roster in general. The Bad: We dropped the game against the Sens and let Pageau walk all over us and get a hatty. Hall still isn't putting the puck in the net despite leading the team in points. His shooting percent has now fallen below 3%. The Ugly: Cory might as well not be rostered. He's played once since Halloween. His save% is 0.852, and his GAA is 4.59. It's really, really hard to watch the player who was the reason the Devils weren't the worst team in league for several years get hurt and completely fall apart post surgery. In a span where we've played 3 back to backs, Cory has played once and lost.29 (27.91)Ottawa Senators-18-11-12-2-0Another unexpectedly strong week. Even if the Sens did hand Eichel 4 goals on a silver platter on the 2nd stage of a back to back, they were still hanging in the game (albiet barely) right up until the final backbreaker goal. Beating the Flyers was also pretty huge. This team is starting to be defined by a "work insanely hard" culture which is exactly what we've been needing! Somehow we find ourselves closing in on the Leafs in the standings...I think most Sens fans would honestly rather have a high draft pick instead of making a playoffs push this year. Still, with the Sens looking less awful than expected and the Sharks on a winstreak thanks to Radim Šimek - the Czech god of the blue line - one must already wonder who will make it to the wildcard spots and what draft day is going to look like. Even with barely a quarter of the season played out.30 (28.8)Minnesota Wild-37-11-21-1-1The Wild aren't as good as they could be, and not as bad as they should be. The one thing that's been consistent over the years however is reigning as the league's worst 3-on-3 team, and it's not even close. Since the implementation of the arcade-style OT, Minnesota is a laughable 12-30. Translate those results over to the first 60 minutes and it's Lottery City baby!31 (29.8)Detroit Red Wings-7-12-31-0-2This is the worst Red Wings roster in some 30 years. A defense this week led by Dennis Cholowski(21) and Madison Bowey(24). Seriously read that again, that’s the first pair! Despite this, the Red Wings have finally made a return to playing the kind of games that makes any rebuilding team successful. Down to the wire, come from behind, and battling hard for each win even if they come up short. Andreas Athanasiou has picked up heat scoring a couple signature goals with his speed and quick hands. Larkin is still creating awesome chances and looks fantastic in the faceoff circle. This team actually does a great job in that department despite not capitalizing on many of the opportunities. Furthermore, the league worst PK has actually been getting extremely better in the last two weeks. While it sits at 70.6%, the last five games the Wings have killed 12/14 PP. Things are swinging back up for Detroit lets hope they can maintain this pace for more than two weeks. r/hockey NHL Power Rankings Week 7: Spicy Edition Source

[ayz8yf9q-blog]

Does the cost of insuring a car go down when you turn 18?

Does the cost of insuring a car go down when you turn 18?

is it worth waiting a couple of months to my eighteenth birthday to get cheaper car insurance? thanks guys!

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :car4insurance.xyz

SOURCES:

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[consulting-celiac-in-the-tardis]

The Best Gluten Free and Vegan Soft Foods to Eat After Dental Surgery, Part 2

New blog post! Whether you’re having your wisdom teeth removed or getting major gum graft surgery like me, going on a soft foods diet can be challenging - especially if you have dietary limitations. When I had my first bout of gum surgery last year, I shared a round up of some of my favorite gluten free and vegan soft foods and was amazed at how helpful readers found it.

So, since I got my second gum graft surgery done earlier this fall and again had to eat soft foods for two weeks, I thought I’d share even more of my favorite dental surgery foods. As always, follow your doctor’s instructions for what foods are OK to eat after your particular oral surgery. However, this list should give you some more ideas of tasty gluten free and vegan foods, recipes and products to enjoy after dental surgery! 

1. All the hummus (homemade or store bought). 

I was fortunate enough to receive a big goodie box of Blue Moose Hummus a few days before my gum graft surgery, and they definitely came in handy for my soft foods diet! Hummus is an easy way to get some vegan protein without having to chew anything, and you can eat it alone or pair it with foods like potatoes, mashed vegetables and avocado.

If you have a blender on-hand, it’s also super easy to whip up a homemade vegan hummus for you to enjoy while you recover. My personal favorite hummus recipe is my Creamy White Bean Beet Hummus. The beet adds a little bit of sweetness, and the dose of antioxidants definitely won’t hurt during your dental surgery recovery. You can also experiment with making different hummus flavors by using add-ins like lemon, oregano, spinach, thyme, etc.   

2. Gluten free and vegan ice creams...including Halo Top for a “lighter” option. 

Compared to my first gum graft surgery, this time around definitely involved a lot more ice cream...and that’s totally ok! The truth is, it can be hard to get all the calories you need when eating gluten free and vegan soft foods. Not to mention that you’ll probably be craving some major comfort food after having your dental surgery.

Obviously, it’s important to make sure that whatever ice cream you choose is smooth and doesn’t have any chunks that require chewing. This time around, I loved Coconut Bliss’s Chocolate Caramel Ice Cream. If you want a lower calorie option, Halo Top’s new vegan flavors are also insanely good! So far, I’ve tried and loved Salted Caramel (the best!) and Vanilla Maple. Cappuccino was OK, and I’ve heard good things about Chocolate. If you have celiac disease like me, make sure you only pick from Halo Top’s certified gluten free flavors. And if you need even more gluten free and vegan ice cream ideas, check out my list of my seven favorite dairy free ice creams!

3. Puréed broccoli or other steamed vegetables. 

I know I mentioned pureed vegetables in my last soft foods diet roundup, but I tried a couple new veggies this time so I thought I’d share the winners. The surprising favorite was actually broccoli purée just made from steamed and blended broccoli. Compared to other veggies, broccoli purees very smoothly, which made it an ideal side for the first few days after your dental surgery. If you want a cheddar and broccoli soup kind of feel, you could also make the purée runnier with plant-based milk and add some vegan cheddar cheese on top.

I also really liked puréed spaghetti squash for something a little sweet, and puréed green beans were surprisingly hardy. I’m not going to lie. Purees get old pretty quickly when they’re all you can eat, and you might start feeling like you’re surviving off of baby food. However, having as many different puréed vegetables to choose from as possible made my soft foods diet feel a little less boring. And adding a little bit of spice (such as curry powder, oregano or thyme) can make a big difference. 

4. Soft gluten free bread soaked in water or plant based milk. 

Another challenge of eating soft foods after wisdom teeth surgery or another other dental procedure is finding enough “plain” foods. As much as I love vegan ice cream, I could only eat so many sweet foods, and I didn’t feel like pureed broccoli for a night snack! So one of my go-to’s was actually soaking some gluten free bread in a bowl of water or milk until it would nearly dissolve on my tongue.

If you want to try soaking bread, you should definitely pick as soft of bread as possible. For instance, gluten free bagels with a lot of structure won’t break down that much. But soft gluten free rolls (like from Bfree Foods or a local gluten free bakery) are perfect! 

5. Homemade protein mug cakes.

While I tried to eat mostly healthy, I definitely gave my sweet tooth what it wanted during my gum graft recovery...so chocolate showed up quite a lot! Another of my favorite night snacks was a soft gluten free and vegan mug cake. Some nights, I loosely followed this recipe to create a chocolate protein powder mug cake. The biggest tweak I made to that recipe was replacing the egg with a mashed banana or a chia egg (formed with my latest addiction of Foods Alive's Chia Protein Powder + 3 TBSP of water. I'm a Foods Alive ambassador, by the way!). Both ways turned out delicious! 

Other nights, I just added roughly one half of a mashed banana, 1.5 TBSP of coconut flour, 1/4 tsp of baking powder, cinnamon, 4 TBSP of water/milk and whatever flavor add-ins I wanted into a mug and microwaved it for around 1 minute. The best part is that the flavor options for a gluten free mug cake are seriously limitless. For a chocolate cake feel, use vegan chocolate chips and cacao powder. Or you can add chopped berries (if your doctor gives you the OK to eat them!) for a blueberry muffin mug cake.

And I gotta say...the one good thing about gum graft surgery is that you have a really good excuse for eating banana ice cream and a chocolate mug cake for dinner! 

6. Puréed pasta with tomato and cheese sauce. 

Even four to five days into my gum graft recovery, my mouth was still too sensitive for a lot of chewing but I was desperate for a different carb than potatoes. So I over-cooked a bunch of pasta...and threw it in my food processor with a little water. And you know what? It turned out pretty tasty!

My “pasta” dinners on this vegan soft foods diet were definitely not Instagram worthy, but they were a great way to add variety. Since I mixed Tinkyada's rice pasta with Banza (made out of chickpeas) and Modern Tables' lentil pasta, I also got a nice boost in protein, too! I served my puréed pasta with tomato sauce and some of my homemade vegan cheese sauce, and I ate it several days in a row without complaint. 

7. Applesauce - bonus if it’s uniquely flavored! 

Applesauce isn’t a unique recommendation for a soft foods diet, but its popularity after wisdom teeth removal or other dental surgery is well deserved. To shake things up, I found some blueberry unsweetened applesauce at my local Aldi, and the unique flavor made applesauce a lot more appealing.

You can also spruce up applesauce by incorporating your own add-ins, like extra cinnamon, vanilla extract, protein powder, etc. If you’re low on bananas, applesauce is also a great substitution in gluten free mug cakes as well. 

8. Protein drinks (homemade or bought). 

This time around, I also focused on getting more protein during my dental surgery recovery, which I think definitely improved my energy levels throughout. If you have a protein powder you like (I’m in love with LivWell’s gluten free and vegan vanilla and chocolate protein powders), you can easily whip up your own protein shake with water or plant-based milk. I also love making vegan protein ice cream using frozen bananas or this recipe with coconut milk.

I recently got to try Koia's vegan protein drinks, though, and I liked the taste so much, I bought several cartons in Colorado (where I could find them in stores) and took them with me in a cooler to Minnesota. (Now that’s dedication). I hated the Cinnamon Horchata flavor, and the chocolate was OK, but the vanilla bean version is amazing. It’s sweet without tasting overly sugary or fake and is super smooth and filling. I’m kind of sick of these drinks now that I’ve had so many in such a short amount of time, but I’d definitely buy them again. 

9. Cooked rice blended with milk, cinnamon, vanilla and bread. 

During the first days after my gum graft, I was craving something plain, warm and comforting but couldn’t chew enough for rice or bread yet. The food processor to the rescue! I simply made rice porridge out of some ground rice and hot water (roughly 1/4 cup of ground rice to 1 cup of hot water) and soaked some bread in water until soft. 

Then, I transferred the porridge into a food processor with the bread, cinnamon and vanilla, and blended until a mostly smooth paste. I wanted a relatively liquidy final result, so I also added some plant-based milk, but you can make this mix as thick as you want. As for how it tastes, I’d say a mix between oatmeal and bread pudding! 

10. Alllll the condiments, from ketchup and mustard to avocado. 

When you’re eating mashed potatoes, pureed pasta and soft veggies for 7+ days in a row for dinner, condiments, sauces and spices make all the difference. You’ll want to be cautious about acidic sauces. At least for me, ketchup irritated my graft site for the first couple of days. 

Once you can tolerate various condiments, though, some of my favorites are ketchup, mustard, mashed avocado, tomato sauce and my homemade vegan cheese sauce. I also made an avocado sauce (that was a little more like mousse) by blending around one avocado with cashew milk, a little apple cider vinegar, oregano, thyme and water to thin it out. Chilled in the fridge, this sauce felt so soothing on my mouth and it tasted just as good on pasta as with potatoes.  

11. Yogurt with mashed banana and chocolate sauce, nut butter or jam.

I thought I’d end this soft foods diet roundup with an oldie but a goodie: a yogurt parfait. I loaded up on my favorite So Delicious coconut yogurt for my gum graft recovery, and was very thankful I did. The best thing about yogurt is how many ways you can eat it. Turn it into dessert with mashed fruit, chocolate sauce (I’ve been loving this chocolate spread from The Date Lady) and nut butter. Or make yogurt a little more savory by pairing it with sweet potato. The options are endless, and all the probiotics you get from the yogurt won’t hurt either! 

The Bottom Line of Eating Soft Foods After Dental Surgery 

Dental surgery ain’t fun. Whether you’re getting your wisdom teeth removed or going through a gum graft, that’s just reality. However, the soft foods diet you follow during your recovery can be more exciting than just mashed potatoes, smoothies and ice cream. And, at least in my experience, the more options you can give yourself, the more tolerable your recovery will feel. 

Now that a month has passed since my gum graft, I’m (thankfully) feeling more normal and enjoying anything I want to eat. So if you are just starting your dental surgery recovery or are doing research to prepare for your soft foods diet, know that it will get better....

...and that the crunchy foods you can’t eat now will definitely be worth waiting for! 

Have you ever had to follow a soft foods diet? What were some of your staple foods? Tell me in the comments! 

via Blogger https://ift.tt/2RYhvRm

[thrashermaxey]

Ramblings: DeBrusk’s Future, Sekera’s Injury, Ellis in 2018-19, and More – August 16

  We are seven weeks away from the beginning of the season and that time will pass quickly. Before we know it, parts of the fantasy hockey community will be scrambling to prepare for drafts.

Don’t be one of those people scrambling for drafts by grabbing your copy of the 2018-19 Dobber Hockey fantasy guide! It has projections, articles, and a whole lot more. Head to the Dobber Shop and procure yours now.

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In my Ramblings a couple days ago, I implored readers to keep Jake DeBrusk high on the draft lists, drafting him as often as possible. I went back through the archives and thought I had written on DeBrusk’s 2017-18 season but apparently that is not the case. Let’s rectify that.

I don’t want to keep looking back on last year but it gives us good insight into 2018-19.

At first blush, DeBrusk’s time in the AHL wasn’t overly impressive. While 49 points in 74 games in his age-20 season is nothing to dismiss out of hand, it was nowhere near the best in the league. The thing is, that Providence Bruins team wasn’t a high-scoring one, or at least they spread the scoring around; DeBrusk finished second on the team in points while Jordan Szwarz led with 54. Not bad.

Fast forward to 2017-18 and DeBrusk had 43 points in 70 games in the NHL. How did he get there?

The first thing that stuck out to me early in the season was DeBrusk’s ability to get to the net. I even wrote about that after their first game! While getting to the net isn’t in and of itself a guarantee of production, we’ve seen how it can help players like Patric Hornqvist and Brendan Gallagher have very successful seasons.

To better visualize DeBrusk’s shot locations, here is his 2017-18 shot density compared to Gallagher’s, with the viz pulled from Hockeyviz.com:

      Beyond shot location is shot rate. DeBrusk launched 14.45 shot attempts per 60 minutes at five-on-five last year. That was slightly below David Pastrnak and slightly above Brad Marchand. League-wide, that rate compares to Artemi Panarin (14.57) and Sebastian Aho (14.44). Those are all very impressive names to be around.

If you want to compare shot rates to players close to his age, the only players with higher shot rates last year who were also in their age-21 season or younger were Kevin Fiala (17.92), Alex DeBrincat (16.47), Sam Bennett (16.02), Brock Boeser (15.22), Pastrnak, Jack Eichel (14.71), and Mitch Marner (14.56). Depending on your view of Bennett, those are all exceptional young talents with whom DeBrusk finds himself in company.

DeBrusk was eighth in 5v5 TOI per game last year, eighth among Bruins forwards. He was below David Krejci, David Backes, Riley Nash, and Danton Heinen, on top of the Big Three. That third line, which was so good last year, won’t look the same this year. With natural progression, we could see about another minute added to DeBrusk’s TOI totals, which should add a few points alone.

Finally, there’s the question of the power play. That was brought up in my Ramblings yesterday and the immediate threat is Ryan Donato. It was Donato given top PP minutes when he was called up whereas DeBrusk almost exclusively stayed on the second PP unit. It is a fair concern, but my thinking is that DeBrusk is more of a net-front player (as evidenced by his shot locations) than Donato, and that’s the role they need to fill with the departure of Rick Nash. I will fully admit that it may be Donato, in which case DeBrusk’s upside takes a big ding, but this is a case where I think one player fits the role better than the other.

I won't dig into all the other stats like expected goals and on-ice shooting percentage but they will be factored into my projections. 

There are a large range of outcomes for DeBrusk depending on his PP usage. He has 60-point upside if he can get those top minutes. If not, he could slide into the 45-50 range. More than anything, the point is I believe he’ll return a profit on his ADP, especially if he keeps improving those hit totals (he averaged one per game last year playing under 15 minutes a night). I’ve mentioned before my projections won’t be ready for a few weeks yet, but I can say with certainty that DeBrusk will be one of my most-drafted players this year.

Feel free to disagree in the comments.

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The Ducks signed winger Ondrej Kase to a three-year deal carrying at $2.6-million AAV. 

I wrote about Kase back in early July and the same thoughts hold up. I will be writing about him more over the coming month or so. 

*

While I’m thinking of it, it’ll be interesting to see the ADPs of both Donato and DeBrusk. Donato was only around in limited minutes and it’s easy to overlook DeBrusk on a team with names like Bergeron, Marchand, Pastrnak, McAvoy, and Krug. Fortunately, we won’t have to wait much longer to see where some ADPs fall:

.@YahooSports confirms @YahooSportsNHL team and league registration will open August 16, 2018 and run until March 10, 2019.

First day for live draft – August 20, 2018

Last day for live draft – March 3, 2019 #FantasyHockey #NHL pic.twitter.com/nEX71D7YaV

— Fantasy Hockey Geek (@FantasyHockeyGk) August 15, 2018

Hurray!

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Andrej Sekera has undergone surgery to repair a torn Achilles. While some initial speculation puts the timeframe at around six months, I will say I’ll be stunned if he’s back anytime around the All-Star Game. If he can make it back at any point in the 2018-19 season, that should be seen as a win.

No, I’m not a doctor.

Ian covered the injury from his perspective in his Ramblings yesterday.

On top of Ethan Bear and Evan Bouchard, I want to just say this: it was better for an injury for the Oilers to come from the left side than the right. They still have Oscar Klefbom and Darnell Nurse (once he’s signed), and they can run (or will have to run) Kris Russell on the third pair. It’s the right side where they’re shallow so at least it’s from a position of relative strength.

What this injury does is a few things. It locks Klefbom into the top pair role, it locks Nurse into the second pair, and it eliminates competition for the top PP unit. Remember that a couple years ago, Sekera had taken some top PP minutes from Klefbom. There is still Nurse lurking around, but it’s one fewer guy for Klefbom owners to worry about. Whether those top PP minutes bring substantial production is uncertain given how they performed last year, but at the least, the minutes will be there.

It’s very unfortunate for this injury to hit, though. Even if they’re strong on the left side, the Oilers can ill afford to lose any impact defenceman and he’s just a fun defenceman to watch anyway. Let’s hope he can return faster than I think he can.

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For those wanting to read more on Bouchard, visit his Dobber Prospects profile here. One thing working in his favour is they desperately need right-shooting defencemen; right now, it’s Adam Larsson and Matt Benning. If they don’t sign anyone else, it’s plausible he makes the roster. Though I assume they’ll give him at least another year before making the roster full time. We’ll see.

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Ryan Ellis signed a new contract and this is probably one of those situations where he’s going to be a much better real-world asset than fantasy asset.

A lot of people will be excited with his 32 points in 44 games. That’s all well and good. There are red flags, though.

First is the injuries. He’s played 332 games since the 2012-13 lockout year out of a possible 410. That’s an average of 66.4 games played per 82. Now, that’s an average dragged down by two significant injuries because he’s played at least 70 games in three of the last five years. But he’s also missed at least 10 games in three of the last five years. That’s always something with which to be concerned.

There’s also the assist rate. He had 23 assists last year (remember, in 44 games), and that was a career high. His secondary assist rate at five-on-five was 0.7 per 60 minutes, a career-high. He had never cracked the 0.5 mark before, and his previous three seasons were 0.19, 0.32, and 0.4. If he had that secondary assist rate last year, it would have more than tripled his total of secondary assists at five-on-five. We know that second assists are usually random and expecting him to replicate anything close to the rate he had in 2017-18 is misguided.  

His shot rate did jump which is a big reason to think he’ll have a solid goal-scoring floor. The problem is that it’s just a 44-game sample. He had a shot attempt/60 minutes rate at five-on-five of 12.3 last year. He had never cracked double-digits before, so it was a significant deviation from his norm. Shot rates across the league increased, but if I recall correctly, it was around 4-5% on average. Ellis’s rate jumped over 24 percent. It could be a new norm, or it could be a blip due to a half-season sample.  

Remember that Ellis has never broken the 40-point mark. If he played a full 82-game season, maybe he can get there. But he’s also third on the depth chart for PP minutes and won’t come close to that top PP unit as long as both Roman Josi and PK Subban are in the lineup. I think extrapolating Ellis’s 2017-18 year to 2018-19 will lead a lot of people astray. I’ll be drafting him with the expectation of 40 points, not 50 or more. That likely means he won’t be on any of my teams this year.  

I’m aware this is a significant deviation from what Dobber has in the guide. There will be many instances where he and I do not agree (DeBrusk’s PP role was another). That’s fine! Good-faith debate among reasonable people is important to learning in fantasy, or just in life in general. If we all agreed all the time, it would render fantasy sports rather boring.

from All About Sports https://dobberhockey.com/hockey-rambling/ramblings-debrusks-future-sekeras-injury-ellis-in-2018-19-and-more-august-16/

[vthiker09]

Something is Wrong

After the screws were removed, I found myself in what felt like an odd situation.  I had just had surgery and I didn’t want help rehabbing from it.  At this point I had been in PT for four months.  I had worked with five different PT’s and had done every single thing they had told me to do and from my perspective, it hadn’t worked.  I couldn’t go through a single day without significant discomfort, let alone hike the mountains I missed so badly.  I also felt burnt out.  I believe this is a piece of rehabilitation and being injured people don’t talk about often: rehabilitating an injury is exhausting.  Even for an active person, I felt like PT was work.  It felt like work because it wasn’t exercise for fun.  It was exercise focused on my injury and reminded me every single day I was hurt.  I didn’t want to be hurt anymore and PT was solid proof I was.  Thus, I stopped going and decided maybe I could do this on my own.  Even though I had all sorts of reminders in the form of constant swelling, bruising, lack of range of motion, nerve pain, and a six inch scar with some new stitches in there, I thought I could, in some way, ignore all of this and finally be better.

Even though this would later prove to be truly misguided, I felt free.  The day after the screws were taken out, I went for a four mile long walk with five or six of my closest friends.  It felt normal.  We chatted about normal things.  We laughed and meandered in the park behind my house in the ways we had before I was hurt.  What wasn’t normal was the taring, burning, and throbbing I felt in my leg.  When we got back from the walk I tried to play a game, while sitting in a chair.  I realized while my friend was taking their turn, I was basically in tears.  My freshly operated on limb, despite my desperate need for it be healed, wasn’t.  

Even with my PT dropout status, I kept doing the exercise routine I was given before the screws came out.  I knew the exercises helped, even if I didn’t want to actually go to PT.  Between this and my daily three to four mile walks, I started to notice something I wasn’t happy with: my leg felt worse.  What “worse” meant was my ankle felt like jello and jello is not capable of supporting a person.  In addition to feeling like jello, my ankle also acted like jello.  All of a sudden walking down a sidewalk had become a dangerous activity.  It was dangerous because even a simple stone would cause my ankle to give out and I would roll it - causing stress on tendons I knew were already unhappy.  

My growing concern about my jiggly joint didn’t stop me from trying to pretend things were okay.  A few weeks later I decided to go on an “easy hike.”  Easy to me was six miles on relatively flat ground.  You know what you can’t easily find in the woods?  Even ground.  Thus, even though the hike was flat, it was uneven and my jiggly joint knew it.  About a mile from the car I stepped on a rock and twisted my ankle enough my friends noticed it.  Let’s think about what I just said - I was on flat ground and I stepped on a small rock.  Does this seem like normal ankle behavior? because it didn’t to me.  It was also concerning because this was the limb I was supposed to be taking care of.  Surely twisting it a few more times wasn’t going to aid me in my healing process.

This became habit for me.  I would go on baby hikes, roll my ankle, and then worry about why.  At this point my Googling was at unhealthy levels.  I spent basically every free minute I had scouring the internet looking for any reason why I had a jiggly joint.  My Googling hysteria was a desperate attempt to do anything to help myself.  Remember - I didn’t have any providers in my life other than my surgeon, who I wasn’t sure could help me.  Thus, I was on my own, through my own choices, to figure it out.  After reading hundreds of websites, I decided I had a chronically unstable ankle and peroneal tendinitis.   

Chronic ankle instability is characterized by reoccurring giving way of the ankle joint, particularly in unusual situations.  Usually people who end up with chronic ankle instability have a longish history of ankle injuries and tend to not rehab their ankle injuries correctly.  Sound familiar?  My decades of ankle injuries all of which had zero rehab, all of a sudden made sense.  The culprits when it comes to chronic ankle instability are often your lateral ankle ligaments.  Ligaments can be described as really tough rubber bands.  They provide stability to your joint and help you move.  If it wasn’t for ligaments and tendons, your bones would just fall into a pile of bones because there wouldn’t be anything to support them.  Pretend you have a rubber band you play with everyday.  After years of stretching, the rubber band loses it’s elasticity and becomes overly stretched.  Consequently, if you use your now overly stretched rubber band to hold items together - it won’t do a good job.

Every reasonable brain cell I have believed my rubber bands weren’t working.  Compounding my overly stretchy rubber bands were my friendly peroneal tendons.  These guys are located on the outside of your ankle.  They connect a muscle in your leg to your fifth metatarsal (pinky toe).   If you have some free time someday, google the following phrase: “peroneal tendinitis and chronic ankle instability.”  You’ll get 95,000 results, which all speak to how if your lateral ankle ligaments are too stretchy, it puts more pressure on your peroneal tendons and they will eventually start to fail and join the pain party.  We’ll talk about this later and let me point out something which should be obvious: everything in your body is connected and if one thing begins to fail, it will only be matter of time until something else can’t pick up the slack anymore and will also begin to fail.

I had, at this point, diagnosed myself and was super sure I was right.  All I needed was a surgeon to agree with me and help me.  During my Google hysteria, I saw a few things over and over and over and over:

1. Ankle history is a key piece of diagnosing chronic ankle instability.

2. Chronic ankle instability can be difficult to diagnosis because it doesn’t behave like an acute issue.  It’s not always symptomatic and often times won’t respond to traditional stability tests.

I had an upcoming surgeon appointment and I knew I needed to make a strong case for what I believed was wrong because a) I’m not a doctor and b) in my experience, they don’t respond well when you say “I think it’s x or y.”  Step one of my efforts comprised writing an overly detailed ankle history.  Starting with the first time I majorly hurt my ankle in high school, I detailed every single subsequent time I moderately or majorly hurt my ankle and all the times I did nothing about it.  Three single spaced pages later, I checked off “ankle history.”  I emailed it the surgeon’s nurse and asked her to pass it along in preparation for my appointment.  

Step two is something I’m not proud of.  If you re-read number two above, you see the piece about “chronic ankle instability is not always symptomatic.”  You mix this with my previous statement, a few blogs posts ago, where I spoke about how I needed to make it so obvious to the providers I was working with something was wrong that they couldn’t say anything other than “here’s how we can help” and you get this: I made sure my ankle was symptomatic when I limped into those surgeon appointments.  Granted this didn’t take anything other than going for a walk, I made sure the night before my appointment I went for a four or five mile walk on uneven ground.  Doing this meant I would limp into the appointment with peroneal tendons the size of a small hot dog and lateral ankle ligaments as stretchy as they were going to get.

I limped into the subsequent appointment ready to make my case.  When the surgeon walked in, he told me he had read my history and would like to do a couple of tests.  He did an anterior drawer test, which tests stability of the lateral ankle ligament complex and did a stress test x-ray, also meant to test ankle stability.  My jiggly ankle managed to pass both tests with flying colors - meaning there were no signs of ankle instability.  The surgeon, who could clearly see I was in a bunch of pain and my ankle was not in a good state, admitted he was a little stumped.  His areas of expertise were not chronic ankle issues and although he had run my case by the surgeon who did specialize in this area, it was unclear what was wrong.  At first, his suggestion was to wait a few more months to see if things calmed down.  After an emphatic “no” on my part, we started to discuss an MRI.  

Magnetic resonance imaging uses a set of magnets on steroids to look at soft tissue.  Unlike x-rays, MRI’s can see your friendly tendons and ligaments.  The great thing about MRI’s is they can see EVERYTHING.  This is also the bad thing about MRI’s.  There is a whole bunch of research out there about how you can take twenty people off the street, do an MRI of some part of their body, and identify an issue.  This was a big part of why the surgeon was so reluctant to order an MRI for my ankle.  He had said a few times there was no doubt mine would come back abnormal and at some points he couldn’t even do one because my tissues were so disrupted the images would be distorted in a way they would be useless.  Additionally, when it comes to ankles, the vast majority of issues can be diagnosed via stress tests and x-rays.  Remember - if your rubber bands are failing they won’t hold things together well and this is something a surgeon can feel or see.  Either your bones won’t be in the correct place or the surgeon will be able to move your joint in an abnormal way.

In my case this wasn’t true.  My bones were in the right place and the surgeon couldn’t move my joint in an abnormal way.  At the same time I was miserable.  In what I believe was a weird act of defeat, the surgeon agreed to order an MRI for my ankle.  His last words to me were “avoid uneven ground until we can figure out what’s wrong with you.”  Let’s take two seconds to think about how absolutely ridiculous this statement is: Think about the world and then list all the places the ground is uneven.  Then, think about living in a state where pot holes and cracked sidewalks are just as common as trees.  Given this, tell me how I could have avoided “uneven ground.”  Consequently, this would be the last time I would meet with this surgeon and would set the stage for round three in the OR.

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MY EXPERIENCE WITH MICROBLADING

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Eyebrows are so in right now. Out of nowhere BOOM – eyebrow gel, eyebrow pencils, eyebrow mousse. I don’t know who exactly brought them back, but someone said, “What the hell is with all these skinny ass eyebrows, ew, gross, get out of here.” and then everyone started obsessing over them. I would say most of us, at least the adolescent-struggling types, went through many stages of eyebrows. Just look at this wonderful Buzzfeed article proving that even famous people, with lots of money and people to tell them what to do, struggled at one point with their brows. For me, I started off blonde, bushy, and lost at how to shape them in my pre-teen years. So like any rebellious teenager, I plucked them all out. No unibrow…or any brow for me! And the years went by and the plucking continued. It was a real vicious cycle. Until one day I woke up and was like, how the f*ck do I get my eyebrows back!??! (It was actually someone over social media making fun of me that made me question my brow choices. F*CK THEM, but thank you at the same time). So I stopped plucking completely, started drawing them on and looked like clown until I got the hang of it. It was a real learning curve. And still is. Today I want to tell you a little about microblading, what it is, the myths and exactly what I thought of the whole experience. I think most of us know very little about it since it’s come so far in the past years, so I want my experience to tell you what it’s really like. I think brows really shape a face and give dimension. The more I have become more interested in my own eyebrows, the more I notice how thicker brows really do make a difference! But sadly, not all of us are born with full brows or we pluck them or they are lost from an illness. And microblading gives us the opportunity to really shape our face and take control of our brows! But first, let’s take a step back in time and look at the many stages of my ever changes eyebrows and face. Just FYI, I’m a natural blonde. I’ve been dyeing my hair since I was a sophomore in high school and never went back. That means my eyebrows are lighter in color naturally, as you’ll see in past photos.PaleOMG: My Experience with Microblading

I think this was 1st grade. I’m not sure what my bangs were doing, but they had the same idea as my eyebrows. PaleOMG: My Experience with Microblading Second grade, maybe? Eyebrows are in their full light colored, unbrushed, unplucked beauty. Along with my sun kissed blonde locks…that were rarely brushed. PaleOMG: My Experience with Microblading BOOM! Where’d they go?! Oh, the teenager in me got rid of them. And added in some gauged earrings. I was so cool. PaleOMG: My Experience with Microblading

Bye bye, blonde hair! More eyebrows have been plucked at this point. And half side bangs were very in. Along with preppy collared shirts from Abercrombie. PaleOMG: My Experience with Microblading Oh sh*t, we’ve pretty much lost them. They’re gone. PaleOMG: My Experience with Microblading Ok, we’ve finally taken a step in the right direction. I had been thinking about getting permanent makeup for quite some time, probably for about 3 years now. But, of course, I had my doubts. First, I thought my eyebrows would turn out like permanent marker thin lines that you see women in jail with. Just google “bad tattooed eyebrows” and you’ll see what I mean. I also thought it was an actual tattoo and based on my experience with tattoo regret, I didn’t want that to happen with my face. Or to feel that same pain. I also thought it lasted forever, like a normal tattoo. I was wrong with all of these things. So let’s squash some of the rumors out there and get down to the fact. First, what is microblading? Microblading is the technique of using a handheld tool to create hair-like strokes in the skin to deposit dye into the dermal layer. They numb your skin beforehand and then it feels like they are just scraping your skin a bit. After they create these individual hair strokes, they rub a dye into it to set into that dermal layer. If microblading is done by a person who knows what the hell they are doing, you don’t need to worry about those permanent marker eyebrows that we know so well. How long does the process take? When you go in for your first appointment, it’s usually just to test the color and if you will have an allergic reaction, so just a few hair strokes are drawn on. A week later, you come back in, numbing cream is applied for about 30 minutes then she draws on the shape of the brows. The shape can take 5-20 minutes to draw on and really figure out what works for the face. After that, the hair strokes are drawn on which can take 30+ minutes. So plan on being there for about 2 hours or more. After that appointment, you apply ointment to your eyebrows for 7 days while they heal, just like a scab. Then you go back in after 4 weeks for a touch up since they can fade a good amount and that appointment for me took far less time and I didn’t even need to be numbed. Does it hurt? I didn’t think so. Sure, it’s kind of annoying if the numbing cream wears off a bit, but it’s not bad. I had my profractional treatment just a week before my microblading and really nothing compares to that pain, so it felt like nothing in comparison. Is it obvious right away? YES! It’s very dramatic after you get it done. You feel like a clown. But it fades a ton so you gotta be ready to not love how you look for a few days while you get use to a different shape and wait for it to fade a bit. That being said, don’t have any big plans or events to go to for a week after your appointment. And don’t freak out when you see it. It will absolutely fade. Hong long does it last? I’m told it usually last 1-3 years, usually 1 if you live in a dry climate like Colorado. So no, it’s not completely permanent. Is it expensive? Well obviously it depends where you go and what you think expensive is, but yes, I think it’s relatively expensive. But someone is cutting into your face and putting dye into it…so the person better know what the hell they are doing. I’ve heard prices from $300-$500 (and more) depending on the state. IMG_8399 Now let’s talk about my own experience! I recently found out about Lea Curry at Oxford Hotel Spa through my amazing esthetician Shawn. When you meet Lea, you’re pretty mesmerized by her own eyebrows, that aren’t microbladed at all. They are just perfection! She immediately makes you feel super comfortable and like you’re talking to a best friend. She applies a numbing cream to the eyebrows and places saran wrap on top and you hang out for about 30 minutes. Afterwards, she uses a eyebrow pencil to draw on your shape. For me, I was nervous because they looked so big compared to what I was use to, but I trusted her and I obviously didn’t know sh*t since I did this to my eyebrows in the first place! After she draws them on, she begins the miroblading process. With the first eyebrow, I didn’t even feel it because the numbing cream had worked so well. The second eyebrow, I felt a little more but it wasn’t ever painful, just annoying. Afterwards, she puts on some ointment and sends it home with you to apply throughout the day. You put nothing else on it for 7 days, just the ointment. I absolutely loved my brows at first, then about 4 days in they began to fade and come off pretty quickly, which Lea told me would happen. I began to have pretty spotty brows as they healed and I couldn’t wait to go back for my 2nd appointment 4 weeks later. It’s pretty sad when you fall in love with how they look and then they fade, but that’s how it goes. Here is what it looked like at the first appointment. The top is my normal brow, no dye, no makeup. And the lower photo is right after the appointment. PaleOMG: My Experience with Microblading At the second appointment 4 weeks later, she ended up tinting my brows and lashes since I keep my hair so dark and she used a darker ink, doing less strokes but with a darker dye. This photo below is a week after my appointment with no makeup on and then with makeup on. I still have to fill my brows in a bit but not nearly as much as I use to. PaleOMG: My Experience with Microblading I had my second appointment a couple weeks ago and have a third appointment coming up in 2 more weeks for another touch up. Lea recently went to another training for a new digital device so I’m going to try that out! More than anything, Lea showed me what my shape SHOULD look like. When you’ve seen your face for so many years, it’s hard to know how else you should look. After the first appointment, I was able to see the shape she intended, even though it faded, and I was able to continue to draw on that shape because of seeing it for a few days. When I went in, I hoped that I wouldn’t ever have to pencil in my brows ever again, but I now know that won’t be the case (and Lea said that most people still pencil in some). I’ll still have to pencil them in a bit BUT when I have absolutely no makeup on, I don’t look like a different person now since my brows are darker and the spots that were missing were filled in. So when I’m at the lake, I’m not constantly thinking about how I look different without makeup on. And that was really my end goal. When I used to have cystic acne, all I want to be able to do is be comfortable without makeup on and proud of my skin. Through the help of accutane and my amazing esthetician Shawn (Text Shawn for an appointment at Cherry Hills Facial Aesthetics 720-459-7960- she is not the same person as Lea), I’ve been able to get closer to that. But with the help of Lea, I feel even more comfortable in my skin and feel like I look like myself when I wake up! I’m excited to go in for one more appointment to really fill in any areas that didn’t take AND to talk to her about permanent makeup on my lips. I have pretty thin, light colored lips and it would be great to make them look a little bigger without doing filler or any of that jazz. But that will have to be for another post if I decide to go through with it! In the end, I’m extremely happy with my experience with Lea and would absolutely recommend her to anyone in the Colorado area! You can contact Lea at the Oxford at 303-628-5435. If you’re not in Colorado, just make sure to do your research and see if they have maybe an instagram page or other social media that show their past work! Just know what you’re getting into beforehand and trust the person. It’s your face, for gosh sakes! If you have any questions, please leave them below and I’ll answer them as quickly as possible. I get back to comments on the blog much quicker than email so be sure to ask questions here! Excited to try more things out in the future and share it with you guys!