#[will u still love me if im a worm voice] if i say i vomited this in all caps unformated on twitter will u still love me

[tarsusingkirk]

it was 11:07.

not it was 11. not it was around 11. not, oh, it was 11:10. not some general time. he sat in the dark in that shack for hours thinking, ruminating, obsessing over armand's call. carving the minutes of it into his mind, lost lost lost in more ways than one

it was all he had, time. the passage of nights upon nights, alone with the rats he forces between his teeth.

11:07.

he doesn't know what happened to louis, and all he can hear is armand's detached voice echoing, echoing in his mind. he carves those echoes, those quick, sudden seconds of the call into his mind.

he plays armand's voice, he replays armand's words, repeating each word to himself in the wretched solitary of the shack until they become noises, like the indistinct buzz of botflies, devoid of meaning.

11:07.

was armand toying with him? was louis even there, together, with him in san francisco? he separated from louis all those many years ago in paris, a blink of an eye. a blink of a bruised and bloody eye, flickering shut in a detestation for what it sees reflected in the apple of its eye. the nights crawl on behind his closed eyelids, the noise of carving dripping down his ears hot and wet.

11:07.

[hyuckflirts]

bloom - hwang renjun

↬ summary: where he made you bloom and filled your lungs with flowers ↬ genre: angst, hanahaki disease!au, drama ↬ warnings: death and tears and lowercase text (im sorry if u dont like that lmao) ↬ wc: 1.2K+ ↬ a/n: @najaeminloveclub i dedicate this to u ily

you didn’t really know where it all started.

“blue is one of my favorite colors, it’s so peaceful and pretty.” he mentioned to you when he asked you to get food with him on a sunny day. “the weather is too nice to not go out and eat.” he said.

you were laying at the grass after eating. he told you blue was one of his favorite colors and the sky is one of his favorite things to look at. maybe it started with that. with the bridge of his nose, or the shape of his face or maybe just the thought that you see him like how he sees the sky. he’s one of your favorite things to look at.

you’ve tried avoiding people your entire life, afraid this exact situation is going to happen. but you couldn’t help it. renjun is one of the brightest and amiable people you’ve met. he was radiant, genuine and beautiful.

wrapped in blankets and covered with blue petals, your bedroom looks like a garden filled with memories you’ll treasure and keep in your heart at all times but you know none of those were true, in fact, it was almost the opposite.

yes it does remind you of renjun, of how great of a friend he is and the happiness he brought you, but it also reminded you all of the feelings you have for him that he didn’t know or returned.

with a groan, you throw yourself onto the bed, cursing the world. you wanted to blame renjun but you know he’s not the one to blame. it was all you. you were the one who fell for his jokes, for his laugh, for his words, for him.

“relationships are so scary.” he rested his back on the chair he was sitting. the faint music of the cafe seemed to get more distant as he speaks. “like what if, you’re with someone, and then suddenly you just started choking on petals?” he said, his eyebrows almost reached each other. “or like what if your partner, who you really, really like just started vomiting petals? but you loved them? does that mean they liked another person but they didn’t like them back?”

“coffee really does things to you renjun.” he chuckled. “but isn’t just loving someone in general the scariest thing?” you added.

he nodded, thinking. “now i’m really scared.” he took as sip of his coffee as you laugh. “please don’t fall for someone who won’t see your worth, y/n. i don’t wanna lose you.”

“do i look like i’d fall for someone like that?” you asked.

“no offense but yeah.” you rolled your eyes that time but now you shake your head at how he was right. maybe it started that day. with his thoughts, his chuckle, his voice or maybe just the thought of losing him frightened you more than your greatest fears.

you’re at your happiest when you’re with him. he’s your happy place. but it wasn’t meant for you. it was built for another person and you just happen to saw and find comfort in it first.

“i want you to meet someone.” he was sitting comfortably at your couch watching the movie you’ve seen together almost a hundred times. “they’re really nice, i think you’ll like them.” he took some chips from yours, keeping his eyes on the movie.

“is this the same someone who you met last month?” to be honest you didn’t wanna hear it. you just felt like he wanted to and so you asked.

“um, yes.” he laugh, probably from a memory with the person he was talking about. “i swear you’ll like them. they’re so sweet and kind. they were also really funny.”

“oh worm?” you looked at him, faking out a smile. “someone’s blushing.” you stated and he sat up shyly. “do you like them?”

“not, that much. but maybe?” he looked down at his hand. “they were so cute. they make my day better each time.” he shrugged.

that’s when the your happy place came crushing down. maybe it started that night. when he speaks a note higher, smiled a little bigger and when he started saying all the things you could never say out loud, the way he felt.

you sat up as another wave of pain rushed through your stomach and lungs, petals and tears fall to your hands every time you cough. the disease is at its peak. it’s breaking you and that even sitting up hurts every part of your body. at this point all you can do is wish for this to be over.

isn’t it just so funny how the person who made you feel alive is the same person who made you feel lifeless? like death?

you heard a soft knock on your door. he opened the door, the light from outside gave a glow to his skin.

“renjun?”

“i’m renjun.” that was it. everything lead back to this. when his smile lighten up the whole room and when he happily offered you his hand as he said those words. it started with this. his name.

“i’m y/n, nice to meet you!” you answered and it really was, he seemed sweet and kind, but now you’re laughing with irony at how knowing him not only made you feel butterflies in your stomach but filled your lungs with flowers, producing beautiful blue petals. it was his favorite color.

and now he’s back in your room, looking at the petals on your floor and on your bed.

“what are you doing here?” he walked towards you carefully. his throat tightens at the sight of you.

“y/n.” he sat beside slowly. his voice was already shaking and so was his hands. “was it me?” his voice cracked.

you shook your head. “no.” you manage to let out. “all you did to me was make me happy.” a tear fell down his cheek. “you made me bloom.” you laughed weakly. renjun sobbed, his tear falling to your hand as he held it.

“this isn’t funny!” he cried even harder. “i’m so sorry.” his grip tightens.

“it’s not your fault.” he pulled you to his chest and you imagining all the scenarios just like this if renjun loved you back. “renjun,” you wanted to say his name a hundred times until you get tired of it, but you know you wouldn’t. “thank you.”

“please y/n.”

“for everything. you have no idea how important you are to me.” you breathe slowly along with him. “and i love you. so so much.”

“i’m sorry. you deserve nothing but the best. you deserve the entire world, the stars and the moon. i’m sorry i couldn’t give it to you.” his voice was quiet, barely audible. “if i could do this all again i would never have introduced myself to you.”

you coughed, getting weaker and weaker every time. “if that happens, i’d probably still fall for you.” he caressed your hair. you heard him sob again.

“you deserve all the love in this world,” he whispered. “i’m sorry i couldn’t even give mine to yours.” you slowly closed your eyes, feeling the flowers take over your insides. “but please do believe when i say i love you.”

maybe and hopefully in another life, renjun, you will. you’ll give the amount of love i gave you or even more and mean those words like how i did.

[adhdvane]

Anon back again, don't worry about delay in answer! I'm not expecting you to reply in a matter of seconds and I'm patient anyway! (●'◡'●) (and yeah, tumblr's notification system kinda suck so really, not your fault haha)

I understand your struggle with fics all too well lol I'm sure a time will come when it just clicks and you can write the good stuff ( •̀ ω •́ )✧ And no need to feel bad if you haven't posted a lot on ao3! You don't have to have 1000 fics or 200k word-long fics for your works to be enjoyable!! Even little ficlets and drabbles are good to have around ♥

It's good of you to have taken time for yourself if you needed it ♥ And yeah, completely understandable to hesitate and come back to fandom in general with the current state of things (a couple years ago I made an IE/Go sideblog and I'm still terrified that someone is going to come up and yell at me for shipping the characters lmao And that's without counting the Problematic™ fics I wrote when I was 16 lmao)

Regarding your tags, I'm just sitting there like starry-eyed because YES TenKyou. I'm DELIGHTED to know that's your preference because that's mine too for the ship asklhjkh

As for Todd and Prof Mirror, that's a tough and personal question, so good luck! (I'm thinking Todd topping's nice but does it make the prof kink better or not is the question!! ALSO in the french version, I know there's a line from Todd going like "Mirror was already being called Professor before he was a professor" so maybe he's not the only one with a prof kink, just from a different angle, hah)

(you say sorry for rambling, but joke's on you, I ramble too! Sorry for clustering your blog though woops Have a good day! (´･ω･`) )

rip, okay, once again i apologize about this one being even later, mostly bc i saw it early, but i haven't been able to sit down and respond to it. this week was the last week of the month so i actually had a lot to do at work and was able to go in every day (as opposed to 1 - 2 days bc business is still so slow). but at the end of the month i do invoicing for inventory charges for that month for each customer. though i was able to actually get a lot of it done sooner than usual (bc i actually started the process on tuesday instead of thursday), there were still three big ones i couldn't even do until thursday bc they had several orders in production that didn't get shipped until thursday. I was going to finally get to this ask on friday when i got home (we only work half days on friday and close at noon)… but the new gbf event had started… and uhg… a sho centric event. g od.

rest of the word vomit under the cut

before i just—IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT THIS GBF RAMBLING FEEL FREE TO SKIP BELOW TO THE END THE GBF OF RAMBLE—this event askjdsjkdfslkdjsdjg talk about giving the antag his redemption art event. the emotional growth in sho. so many new assets to save… there are fricking 6 different versions of his character labeled _painful (_painful, _painful2, etc.), and like so many zoom in's that basically every one of his images has an _up version (the battle ones ((the ones of him on his gearcycle)) also have a bunch of _up2 versions that are zoomed in between the default and _up close up) anyways these in particular kill me.

sho "i'm-not-going-to-cry-or-show-expresions-of-gratitude" awkwardly smiling and crying in this event (while also repeatedly getting the shit kicked out of him/getting hurt. having a moment of breaking down from exhaustion and pain, in the rain, before deciding he has to swallow his pride. every single english word that comes out of his mouth, cv: taniyama kishou is a gift (on a side note i can't believe he fucking played alpha in chronostone. like thats fucking hilarious a va and voicalist capable of such range and drama voicing alpha and his serious monotone ass). Sho (@tsubasa): You showed me the light before—[…] Tsubasa: Wait, what? Whaddya mean I showed you the light? ((you mean when he punched you in the fucking face at the end of the previous event of this series?))). I mean I already shipped bc of the their last event, how can you not ship the guy screaming he's going to kill the protag w/the protag esp after getting punched in the face by the protag at the end makes him calm down and be like fine i guess you win i'm not going to try to kill you know and our gangs don't have to fight. also they're both like 16 (or at least tsubasa is canon 16 (a yeas totally looks like a 16 year old) and sho is at least still in school and at least confirmed to be a minor (not age of majority, which idk what that is exactly in universe, could be 18, could be 20, bc it is fantasy, but it's also japanese, thoguh japan's age of majority is actually lowering from 20 to 18 next april (2022), drinking/smoking/gambling age will still be 20, and the comment in this event was about we're still minors save the smoking for when you're an adult). sho could arguably be 18 or 19 and still believably in school and be considered a minor legally (if in universe gbf follows japanese laws) considering the time he spent in juvie he could easily have been held back. gbf will probably just make him tsubasa's age if a canon age is release. but thinking about sho being 19 and tsubasa being 16 would make some ppl upset and that brings me joy. (also just how funny it could be thinking about (bc everyone is perpetually the same age) how later when sho a year older and legally being able to drink, and tsubasa not, and despite the fact sho being like i will break the laws about physically assaulting a guy but underage drinking, smoking, and drugs is a no-no is fucking hilarious. (the app is rated t so i guess there's only so much you can do…) (oh and one last note, a character in the event asking if sho enjoys the pain and is a masochist, to have other character be like dude you can't just ask someone that. sho saying no he doesn't enjoy the pain. only for later when they are escaping, a character noting "You look rather happy about all this. Now I'm sure youre a masochist." gbf first crushing my sho masochist headcanon and then building it back up in this event, thank u gbf). anways, rip that was a lot and not even everything, as you can see i have been… distracted by this event. apologies

—END OF GBF RAMBLE—

oh god worry about ppl like that in ina like, there really people out there who don't want you shipping ficitional children?????? and the main ina cast is roughly between 12-15. and got i started watching ina in 2013 when i was 19. which apparently for some people is like bad uwu because it's a show for young teenagers (like lol too bad i'm 27 and even though i haven't kept up with aries i still love ina and all the little babies and wont stop shipping). i didn't even know there was people out there who get UPSET AT AGING UP??? like wtf???? sorry i want them to be old enough to marry, adopt children, have a job, and also f.uck. the dpk au is my lifeblood (and has a lot of Problematic™ content that's never even been posted online anywhere bc it used to be an rp. my favorite is that out of all the relationships in the au, tenma and kyousuke's is probably the most unhealthy bc of kyousuke's mental health. some very bad things happened to fei (per request of my rp partner) (part of vanfeny and garsha's revenge on saru as they were sent to megun while saru walks around ''free'' (what exactly is free is a whole other lore mess in itself that i wrote up about post chrono stone future). and that just lead to more bad things fei then did to himself. problematic™ content 9492347 in the dpk au, shipping ozrock and lalaya. (even worse, bc of lore planning i did for the au and decided how their species worked, lalaya is about 6.5 cycles (faram obius years) or roughly 130 earth years and biologically similar to 13 year earth years, and ozrock is about 48 Ixal years roughly 48 earth years and biologically similar to 24 earth years. so like even a worse ship. i mean just ignore cultural norms would be different on an alien planet and also she's royalty and has an obligation to be wed even younger and is probably socially more mature than a human 13 year old. rip sorry i just like alien stuff. a lot of this was also because wouldn't it be great for lalaya to have a really long lifespan so the human friends she makes get older faster and also die way before her :) ina's gunna hurt me with the bug aliens then i'm going to… continue to hurt myself with more alien life span stuff.)

Anyways, With TenKyou, idk I think it's easy to paint tenma as the innocent ~pure baby~ and kyousuke as ~bad boy~ bc of the first inago… and seed kyousuke was a little bastard man (affectionate). which would idk explain the default to kyouten. but like kyousuke chills the hell out in chrono stone and galaxy. and just bc tenma is a dumbass with a heart of gold obsessed with soccer doesn't necessarily mean he's has to be ~innocent baby 受け~ trope. (not that these are the only tropes that decide) (maybe it's bc i sort of like messing with what it must be like to be the main protagonists best friend and watch him continue to overcome everything and be in the spot light and how everyone praises him. kyousuke with self-esteem issues, looking back at all the problems he's caused, tenma has flaws but they're either negligible or something to love about him and mine have only hurt others. disregarding his own goddamn plot armor in the past. complex, emotional, suffering kyousuke is how i like my kyousuke. need we even get into how god eden was canonically revealed to be physically/mentally abusing seeds and that whole can of worms) (also just "nervous baby i don't know how to approach tenma" kyousuke, "cheeky little shit doesn't have any regards to personal space and boundries" tenma) at least if anyone starts giving me shit about an ina ship or problematic fictional ina content, i can always respond with something i drew back in 2015.

back to the matter of new snap though… that line is so familiar (im pretty sure it's in the eng txt, i have it set to jpn audio tho). i recently started keeping a log of the messages that pop up on the camp, lab, and map screens (but haven't saved too many bc i get distracted or at least i know i'm missing quite a few i have vague memories of). (also idk why my first thought to that line was mirror responding with "That was because you were the one calling me that.") there actually were a couple messages i saved initially that would be useful for fic writing:

Todd: "The professor used to be kinda reckless back in the day. I suppose after 10 year he must've calmed down a bit."

and

Mirror: "Todd's calmed down since I last saw him. Or maybe he's just acting mature because you kids are around…"

possible implications from these that I'm deciding to consider for headcanons:

both reckless and wild in their early 20's but that's not unusual, so they were acting like reckless young adults when they were 20. makes sense.

because mirror mentions the last time i saw him (which is definitely implied not 10 years ago since todd had a research team pin so obviously he's been around a bit since the lab was established) meaning todd is potentially still a chaotic bastard but is just trying to act like an adult in front of the kids. beautiful.

and on that note another wonderful Tood message:

Todd: "I never invited Phil to be my pupil—he just declared himself my "number one student" and started tagging along! But honestly…I was kind of flattered."

the possibility that when todd showed up in game, after that cutscene he went to talk to mirror like "this 10 year old just started following me and wont go away, pls help. what do i do?????"

this unsupervised 10 year old just followed a ~30 year old man into the wilderness and somehow just declares todd is mentor (and took the research team pin from todd to ''borrow''). this is a hostage situation. todd is the hostage.

the idea that perhaps todd just got back from a long expedition and was glad to be back and spend time with mirror, except this kid started following him around and wont leave him alone or go away, and then when he got to the lab there were two more kids there. how the fuck am i supposed to get it on with mirror when we have little alone time and when we finally do we're constantly at risk of being interrupted and/or walked-in on. (that last part was mainly the premise of the fic i wanted to write. "these kids are a handful how are we supposed to have intimate time. especially bc they're all so young and have child energy levels and when they go to bed i am already fucking exhausted." i'm thinking it might work better as like a drabble collection, that way i don't have to adhere to a plot line and can pick and choose scenarios to write because i keep winding up with more scenario ideas that i can nearly piece together into a coherent timeline anymore.)

(also a bit that rita becomes suspicious that they are 100% fu.cking even though all that happened was mirror wasn't asleep up in his bed above the lab and fell asleep in one of the bungalows w/todd and then tried to cover it up like haha what no, i was checking on todd he's not feeling well uh… what? where are my pants? oh. oh i can't believe i just totally got out of bed and left the lab without my pants haha.) (todd and mirror just trying to keep their relationship a secrete out of fear of rumors spreading and it affecting the lab's funding, even though rumors definitely started ages ago but neither of them realize). (also todd doesn't trust phil to keep his mouth shut and doesn't like the optics of the random 10 year old who started following him (UNSUPERVISED) just blabbing to his parents about how his cool mentor is dating the professor at the lab like yikes that could end badly worst case scenario.)

(i like the idea of mirror playing along with todd's ki.nk, albeit a little awkward sometimes (not very good at being intentionally 'sexy' about it, but that's not what todd wants anyways bc it's already inherenty sexy for him). Phill has a message "I barely get half the stuff the professor talks about. Do you?" and i can only image if he said that to todd

todd: （人*´∀｀）i know it's hot

phil: what)

anyways i hope you don't mind me rambling even more on your asks like this. last time i totally just cut chunks out to be smaller but this time… i'm going to leave things in rip.