#< guess thats where ill put my own posts

[unexpectedbrickattack]

Hi. New ✨Pinned Post✨

• MINORS. DO NOT MESSAGE ME. NO DMS. NO INBOX MESSAGES. NO. I am not checking my activity and Every note to see if minors are interacting w my stuff but i WILL check if u directly try to contact me. I WILL block you. Please dont do that to me 😭 Likes/Reblogs are fine, just dont talk to me Directly please.

• This blog will have ns//fw stuff! Suggestive and Explicit! Please block [spicy hot], [suggestive] and [saucy] to avoid seeing these posts! Make sure to remove the brackets! (Gonna be changing [spicy hot] to [saucy] very soon so I am adding that in there as well)

• No, I do not want you to dub any of my art. Oh my god. Oh my god ! I cannot stop you but I do not want anything ive done dubbed and placed anywhere on the internet. Do not show me if u do this. Do not show me if u saw it on youtube or tiktok or whatever! I am existing with Blinders on and i would prefer to keep it that way!

• I dont rp! Please do not send me rp asks and dms ! I will NOT respond to them!

• Not important but if u see Dissociativekitten in ur activity, thats me :)

OKAY thats it for real bye

[wayfayrr]

hey uh. if requests r open. would it b possible to request a follow up to that self-aware-twi fic. if not thats ok i just wanted u to know i havent stopped thinking about it since i read it. altered my brain chemistry, touch-starved twilight princess link my beloved, etc etc. ur writing is top-tier <3<3<3

I think the best part about this ask is - I've had this written since early January. I actually wrote part two as a birthday gift for a good friend of mine @glowyskull <33

So this is more just me finally posting it sfbgdfbgdb. it's also funny to think that the twilight fic is my most popular fic now considering how the self aware au really started as just a really guiltily self indulgent fic - something fun to write that I didn't think could get as big as it did on my blog. and I'm glad that you liked it so much <333 whimpery touch starved twilight princess link is just so AUGH love him so

[masterlist]

“Oh you’re finally wakin up then darlin’.”

“...hmm?”

“C’mon darlin’, you can’t have forgotten what happened earlier already? Can you? Your fever - cold isn’t that bad so you can't have…”

Who’s rambling… and why does it sound so familiar?  Wait does that mean - is everything that happened earlier all real then, did link really crawl out of my tv just because he was lonely. Because I left him there, left him all on his own to rot in his own solitude. 

“Link? You - that - everything was real then? All of it?”

“All of it darlin’, from how I got out to how I’m never gonna leave ya.”

“Huh..? I could’ve sworn that you didn’t even mention anything like that…”

“Mhm, well you’re ill and still a little out of it darlin’ so you probably just forgot, you did agree though.” 

It does sound like something that I would agree to, I mean I’m the reason that he’s sentient. It would be cruel of me to throw him to the other wolves, he isn’t from here but besides even that, he isn’t from here. He doesn’t know how this world works, it would be worse than sending a dog to a shelter. It would be his death sentence for certain, and after all that I put him through for a simple pause in playing. The way he’s petting my hair like this though, it’s enough to simply just wash the rest of my worries away, if I could I would spend the rest of my life right here easily.  

“About your illness though, do you have any red potion anywhere?” 

“No, no things like that don’t exist here link and the painkillers I have aren’t worth moving for.” 

“If you’re sure… I’ll go and get them for you the second you change your mind.”    

“You don’t even know where I keep them.” 

His hand paused at that, causing me to let out an involuntary whine. I couldn’t even think to stop it with how it slipped out instantly, which he seemed fond of. Cuddling me closer to his chest and resting his head on top of mine, with what felt like a giant smile on his face. 

“I can look for them, It’s not like I won’t need to learn where everything is now that I’m living with ya… besides I’ve already put you through so much stress when you’re not well.”

“You didn’t mean to link, how could you have known I was sick?”

“...I don’t know - I just - it shouldn’t have been hard to know with how you looked when you opened the game. I’m sorry love I just wasn’t even thinking I just wanted to be out, but I should’ve been more considerate to you.”

With how silent he is in the game you could never have guessed how much he likes to ramble, it’s the second or third time it’s happened since he crawled out of the glas- the glass. Are his bandages holding up, he seems fine but he’s not from here, any infection could be deadly. He wouldn’t even see it coming with how much he’s fawning over my comfort right now. 

“Link?” “Yes, darlin’?”

Oh wow, he - well he’s whipped already. Is it real love or has all that time trapped alone twisted him into this. I’d look into getting him therapy but… if he mentioned the truth then it would be a matter of seconds until he’d be diagnosed with something inaccurate. No one. No one at all would ever believe that a video game character actually broke out of their game - especially not someone like Link falling for an exhausted student like me.

“Are you feeling alright? You have so many cuts and wounds right now.”

“It’s nothing that’s worse than anything else I’ve ever had. They do feel more real though.”

“...real?”

“They feel like real wounds, not something that could be healed away in seconds and they’re just tiny scrapes.”He sounds so giddy as he’s talking about being hurt - it’s unnerving when he starts holding me even tighter when he’s saying it. I don’t think I’m ever going to be getting away from him ever again… if I wanted to. Why shouldn’t I take a chance at having a relationship though. He cares about me - he really does even if it’s unhinged - it would be so nice to come home to him, to be able to spoil him and be spoilt by him. Even being held like this feels so unreal, so impossible that I shouldn’t be here with him. So much so that I want to stay here and fall back asleep without any argument. Didn’t he even say he wanted to be my lover? Why look over a gift too closely?

[anxi-aashi]

ok i dont have the energy to put this into a fic rn but i CANT stop thinking about college au! childe almost walking in on you while you're getting yourself off.

like he'd still knock of course, but it would scare the absolute shit out of you. instead of hanging out with your roommates that he's friends with (who are most certainly NOT gathered in your room) he'd be all "hey pookie can i come bother you I'm bored," while you're fully sat on a dildo.

and bc you wouldnt want to seem suspicious, you'd say sure, just a sec! and immediately run to throw the sopping wet toy into your bathroom sink before letting him in.

and he's just too observant for his own good. "hey you ok? you seem out of breath" yeah because you were.... working out! "really? you're not sweating though?" CHILDE DROP IT OMFG but he wouldn't. he just asks so many goddamn questions and you honestly can't tell if he's just fuckign with you or if he's just genuinely concerned for you. what were you doing? pilates? so thats why you're walking a bit weird? how tf were you not sweating after pilates? oh you just started? well sorry to interrupt!

yeah.... you're sorry too -_-

but hes here now so you offer to watch a movie and hang out, nevermind the cum threatening to run down your leg. "sure! you pick smth out and ill go to the bathroom real quick!" he says and curse your post-orgasm clouded mind for not being quick enough to warn him bc now he's standing in front of you, dildo in his hand, looking at you knowingly.

youre mortified obviously. the two of you are cordial but not THAT close and god you can almost picture the slick and cum that's smearing all over his hand now. why is he holding it for fucks sake???

childe wouldnt be merciful either -- this is a fucking gold mine for him. "well, i guess this is a workout" and you would like the earth to swallow you up so that you don't have to look at him with that shit-eating grin that's creeping up his face.

hed switch the dildo to his other hand and start opening and closing his fingers together, making webs of cum string in between. "you said you just started?" no, you'd have to refute, that part was a lie.

"and you were getting off with this?" and now WHAT was that supposed to mean bc there was truly nothing wrong with the dildo size!!! it was perfectly fine, it did its job. sure it could be a tad bit longer, but you had bills to pay. he lets it go (with a judgemental eyebrow raise), but when he opens his mouth again to ask "what were you doing?" you almost wish he had kept making fun of your tiny ass toy. "were you using your hands or the suction cup?"

god he'd have a dangerous look on his face by now, lidded eyes looking at you like you were gonna be his next meal; pitching his voice just a tad bit lower just to see you squirm.

"you don't have to answer, but i would really, really like to know." aaaaaand there it goes. there's goes the last bit of your sanity bc huhh?? huuuuhh??? dear lord i would fully melt into a puddle we love a man that can make consent sexy.

fuck it, right? yeah, you were using the suction cup. "yeah? you like riding dick?" SHFBAN;DNSJF;F GODDDD

"you got any other toys?" yes sirrr yes I do, got a vibrator right over there in the nightstand. and duh now he's gotta follow up with "ever use both?"

which you have. who hasn't? but you usually only use it for quickies, you say. don't want it to be over too fast, ya know?

but then. thennnnnn he'd hit you with this: "you still horny?"

lorddddd you have NO idea, but you don't say that lest it get to his head (but lets be honest, he knows what he's doing; he knows how desperate he's making you). so he walks up to you, finally, and hands you your dildo, all sticky and starting to dry by now.

"well don't stop on my account."

and he plops down on your bed, manspreading just the tiiiiiniest bit to where you can see the tent in his pants.

which is how you find yourself back in your desk chair, thighs burning from fucking yourself on a dildo you now know is much smaller than whatever childe is packing while he just watches, palming his cock over his pants.

anyways gonna go work on my wips now lolololololololoolo

[opal-owl-flight]

No sign of Rain.

Not easy living with the fact that you hurt someone you just wanted to protect, isnt it.

More context under the cut!

Tldr: 3 realizes that forcing 4 away from the Platoon after Sploon2 the way they did wasnt the best choice. That forcing her to ignore what had happened had most likely contributed to her unable to cope with life beyond war.

(The comic above is from after Sploon3/SO! Situation described below is post Sploon2/OE.)

3 and 4 have been doing missions together awhile. 4s been able to handle herself well, but theres a moment where she trips up and gets hurt a lil more than usual. Like, its to the point where she needs to be taken off the field awhile.

3...

"|Im sorry.|"

"Heh? Three, if it wasnt for you, Id be dead. What are you saying sorry for?"

"|...if it werent for me going away when Octavio stole the Zapfish again...youd never have been dragged into this mess.|"

"Thats not your fault, Three. Cap'n called you away."

3 sighs... "|Still...you couldve been living a life where you never have to worry about your life being put in this much danger.

Or anyone else's life, for that matter.|"

4s the one whos quiet now, as she glances away. 3 does have a point... "...I guess so, yeah. But that wouldve meant that Id never have met you."

Silence sits between them awhile, until 3 grunts softly, to get 4 to look at them again. "|I want you to promise me something.|"

"What is it?"

"|When things settle down again, I want you to leave.|"

"....What?"

"|Live your life away from this. This danger, this war, this...everything.|"

"And leave YOU? Three, you cant do things alone anymore, you KNOW it!"

A clack of their beak. "|Im more capable than you think, Four. Dont think less of me.|"

"Im not- Im not thinking less of you!! Im just stating the facts!"

3s making a low gurgling noise. Its a similar sound an inkfish makes before spitting ink. A sound that says "dont test me."

"Three, Im not leaving. Its already happened... everything -- Octaria, the zapfish, the metro -- its all happened, and I cant just...go back after all of that."

"|Yes, you can. You still can. Youve a life outside this. Why else are you late enough that Marie has given up reprimanding you?|"

4 backs down...3s right. Again.

"...and what about you? Why dont you leave, too? Once...everything is stable."

3s ears droop. "|...theres nothing left for me. Ive thrown my lot with the NSS for as long as I remember. My team barely even recognizes me these days.|"

A silent beat goes by between them again.

"|So promise me. Promise me.| Rain." They rasp her name, making sure she gets the point. "|Promise me you'll live. Promise me you'll go back up there. You said you wanted to go to college -- go. Dont look back. Dont become like me.

I dont want you to become like...this.|"

They gesture to their scar. Their tentacles, forever stained marbled cyan.

4 can see in the gesture the pain they hid in their hearts. The regret. The guilt.

"...Tanara..."

"Live." they rasp, So quietly."Live. Promise me."

"I dont want to leave you alone."

"|Ive been in this war since Ive hatched, and Ive done things on my own before you were dragged into this. You deserve none of this bullshit.|"

"You dont deserve it either!"

3 grips her shoulders. pleading with her. "Promise me. Please promise me. That youll leave."

4 shakes her head. Resolute.

"Im sorry...I cant promise that to you. Youre my friend, Tanara. Im not letting you do this alone."

3... leans against her, defeated. Burying their face into her shoulder. Theyre shaking their head, clutching on her tight.

"...I-Im sorry, I...Ill be more careful next time. Okay? I can...I can promise you that much."

3 remains silent. Thats not what they want. They want her to be safe forever.

"...this really means a lot to you, huh?

Okay.

Ill...Ill think about it."

------------------------

She does eventually decide to leave. Things were looking up for awhile, and missions are much lighter. She can dare to dream bigger now. That and...she cant stand seeing 3 looking so guilty whenever she says something abt her life on the surface.

None of it is their fault. Any of this. But they still feel that theyre taking her away from her "real life".

When she said that shes leaving the platoon, 3s look of jubilation both relieved and pained her. Then a thought hit her, right there.

"...Wait...all this time- did you just want to get rid of me? D-did you not want to be friends anymore?"

3 shakes their head. "|Rain, I asked you to live your dreams as a friend.

Your safety would be guaranteed. Youd be able to happily live your dreams without worry.|"

"...Will I ever see you again?"

3 sighs. "|...hopefully not.|"

4 gasps.

"|No- no-! Not because I dont want to see you-|"

"Tanara, youre making it hard for me to believe that youre doing this for me. What kind of life would I have if youre not there? Not a happy one, Im telling you!!!"

3s shaking as they sign. Trying so hard to keep their breaking mask tight.

"|Im a soldier, Rain. And Ill likely be one til the day I die.

I dont want to drag you back into this mess. I dont want you to get hurt, because of me.|"

Why is it that they always have a point? 4 despairs at the fact.

"So this means goodbye..?"

"|Weve got some days left. Lets make them count.|"

A smile. A bittersweet one.

------------------------

These teenagers goddamn. 3 doesnt understand fully that shit still happened and one cant just leave and pretend nothing had transpired. Or maybe they felt they didnt deserve to have someone as good as 4.

Theyre ruthless in a sense that they know what their goals are. Their goal was to keep the world safe for everyone else to live. And if it means sacrificing their friendship with 4, so be it. If shes safe, their goal is met. Doesnt matter what either of them feel about it. (I suppose 4 getting injured really pushed them to make that choice.)

And 4... yeah, leaving was the smart choice for her personal growth, but agreeing with 3 to sacrifice their friendship wasnt the best choice to agree to. She felt like she cant argue 3 out of that decision they made for the both of them...so she just followed it.

"|Look alive, Rain. Your brand new life awaits you.|"

------------------------

Thats why theyre so flabbergasted and upset that she came back. It felt like that time they spent alone, that sacrifice they made, was all in vain...

"Im sorry, Three. It sucked being away from you. It really did. I failed to live there...maybe my life is really meant to be lived here. On duty.

With you."

Are they disappointed that she failed her brand new life? No, never. They gave her the chance to run away from it all, but she came crawling back after doing so. If she felt that her life is here, after trying something else, so be it.

Thats what convinced them enough to allow 4 to return to duty. Theyll keep her safe another way. They also cant hide from themself the fact that theyre happy to see her again after so long.

[prosciuttoon]

Anyway, Shuro isn't the only character with problems, he isn't even the only Japanese/ Eastern Archipelago character, so not the only one with that specific background. And yet, he sure is the only one who acted out the way he did.

If you like him for .. whatever reason (narcissism? Based on your posts, I guess), that's fine, but like. There's extremely valid reasons for not liking him that aren't just "ur racist" or "you just don't understand!!!!"

hes the only one that acted out bc he was the only one that laios was interacting with that was the reason they fought?? laios wasnt talking to hien or benchidori or maizuru like that he didnt even meet them until he reunited w shuro in the dungeon

and when did i ever say “you’re racist if you hate him” all i did was talk abt the cultural context of his upbringing that would make him a terrible communicator. also, narcissism is such a weird word for liking a character a lot? and its not like im making him look innocent and flawless bc im literally explaining his flaws and where they come from. if someone doesnt like him bc he reminds them of someone that hurt them im not gonna try to change their mind, wouldnt hurt to know Why he acts like that but if theyre informed and still dont like him thats perfectly fine!!!

since i think u sent 2 asks ill just put the first one here and answer it too:

in the post abt him leaving izutsumi in the dungeon to come back “if she wants to” the “nuance” i was talking abt was the fact that he said “if she wants to” i.e giving her a choice to return (which she didnt do because she hated that place obv). also sorry hes not powerful enough to abolish slavery in his country, hes not even the heir to the family. dont think the eastern archipelago is strictly based on a specific time or reality in japan, probably just inspired by reality but not based on it, so shuros family is likely one of many families serving their “feudal lord” who rules a province of the country. in history, feudal lords were also under shogun and the emperor, but neither are mentioned in the manga iirc so i will guess that wasnt the case.

my aim w my posts isnt to force ppl to change their minds on whether or not they like a fictional character. im just giving an extra perspective w stuff from extra content plus my own experience (i.e being asian too) that some people may not know about. what they do w the info is up to them im not trying to tell people how to think. if they learn smth that changes their opinion fine if they dont also fine its not that serious. im just talking about my interpretations of the character.

if i see a critique i may think “wait but do they know about [insert notable info]”. if they dont know, would maybe be good to know bc its important to the character, if they do know and thats the conclusion they came to, thats it! i dont do any more than that n ur acting like im forcing everyone to like him.

tldr; just cuz i am explaining the root of his flaws doesnt mean im ignoring them. i still call him what he is! a loner who cant set boundaries and it only makes problems for himself and people around him, but i also happen to be interested in Where the behaviour comes from! (which happens to be heavily due to culture). doesnt mean im calling u racist if u dont like him wut

[ourloveforgear]

an overview of paul's guitars

before we look into pauls gear, i want to make sure we all are aware that im talking about the guitars he used WITH interpol. ill add some notes on his other instruments at the end of this post.

[paul with his and daniels guitars]

LES PAUL CUSTOM

"I've owned my Les Paul Custom since high school... its all I pretty much use today."

from what i can tell, paul has two les pauls, and he uses them interchangeably. first, though, id like to do a quick spec overview. his guitars have an ebony finish, and seeing as this guitar was most likely acquired in the 90s, gibson 490r and 498t pickups. in almost every picture i see of his les pauls, it seems he or a guitar tech have switched out the stock gold bridge with a black one. im not a gibson expert, so im not sure of the exact model, but it looks to be a tune-o-matic style bridge. he also has removed the covers on the pickups of his guitar. another quick note, in photos from around 2004 to 2005, there is a square shaped hole cut clean through his piece of velcro on his les paul. this was done to hold his ebow during take you on a cruise. thats all the specs/mods to show, ill put some pictures highlighting the points ive gone over.

[a close up of one of pauls les pauls, 2015. note the bridge, and absence of pickup covers]

[what i thought was a hole turned out to be a piece of velcro]

[hole has been blocked/filled! may 21, 2005]

[early picture of paul, with his pickup covers still on. very modest]

JAGUAR

"The Jaguar actually came about specifically within Interpol because I had written a part in which I wanted whammy, and I don't like Les Pauls with Bigsbys."

from what i can deduce, i think this guitar is a fender american vintage jaguar from 2005-06, in black. paul hasnt done too many mods to this instrument, though their are a few changes, most importantly, the pickup swap. he changed the stock jaguar pickups to seymour duncan hot rails sometime after recording our love to admire. while this definitely changed the sound a bit, this was after OLTA, so i wont bother finding dates, as the songs the jaguar was likely used on wouldve been the stock single coils. next up, the pickguard. the american vintage jags in black came with a tortoise shell pickguard, but pauls has a black one. what gives? well, seeing as carlos' jazz bass came with a white guard, but that was switched to black, its not outlandish to believe that this was done by paul or his tech, to give the jag a darker look. paul also put tape on the guitars lower horns control switches, most likely to stop his hand from accidently hitting the switches, and changing his sound mid song.

[paul with his jaguar, before he swapped the pickups.]

[another pic before the pickup swap. note the tape on the control panel.]

[a later pic, where we can see he added MORE tape to the guitar, and after he swapped the pickups to hot rails.}

INTERMISSION

if you ask me, pauls les paul custom and jaguar are the two guitars youd definitively need to get his sound, and also the two guitars HE uses to get his sound. but what other guitars has paul used with interpol? lets see.

LES PAUL DELUXE

used during the TOTBL era, this guitar is sort of a mystery. for one, he didnt seem to favor it for certain songs, using his les paul custom and deluxe interchangeably for many songs, even playing full shows with his deluxe. secondly, from what ive seen, this instrument was NOT used after the TOTBL era. its probable that this instrument was either used on a few songs from TOTBL, and brought along on tour as a backup that paul just happened to really like and play alot, or it was rented for shows over seas. either way, its an interesting case.

[the mysterious gold top deluxe. wonder what song hes playing here?]

FLYING V

paul has stated that he thinks the flying v is the coolest looking guitar out there. to each their own, i guess. that doesnt matter, what matters is that he played this instrument in the barricade music video. he used this guitar at the end of the OLTA era, during the self titled era, and has rarely been seen with it after that. most likely has the same pickups as his les paul custom, but dont quote me on that.

[as long as he likes it.]

CONCLUSION

there is one more guitar i didnt bring up, so ill do it here now, and its his dave murray strat. he hasnt used it live with interpol, though it is seen in behind the scenes footage of el pintor. anyways, leave a comment if youd like me to cook up a list of what guitars i think were used on each song! i hope you enjoyed reading this, next up i think ill go over his amps and other equipment. till next time.

[Paul Banks.]

[bee-ina-boat]

hello gay people. i mentioned awhile back about a possible concept for a tma au but its mixed with mythology/religion based stuff. i have since finished this chunk of concept/reference art of the Ceaseless Watcher for this au!!!

im dubbing it: The Magnus Mythos!! please talk to me about it i am insane

putting my rambling au nonsense under the readmore!!!!!

edit!!!: new mythos post just dropped :3

alright- bare with me because my thoughts are everywhere lol

random various au information:

the fear entites are instead more general gods, much like those from various mythologies (greek, norse, egyption, etc.) like the eye, rather than an entity that feeds on the fear of being watched, is rather the god of knowledge and sight!

all of the gods have influence over the world, some mortals will devote themselves to one specific god entirely, others will become devout to multiple, and some will simply be neutral among all 14 and live life out as they please.

avatars are mortals who have been blessed with power by the gods while creatures (like mr spider, the not them, etc) are simply beings who have been born into the world by the gods power seeping into it. artifacts are items that have either been blessed/cursed by the gods or avatars, or have been affected by the gods power seeping into the world also.

theres multiple sects, cults, and churches for each god much like how many real life religions have different sects with their own rules and standards. some have beef, others do not.

the gods themselves are entirely morally neutral, they have their own interconnected relationships with eachother, and kind of view mortals as pets in a way, picking favorites and seeing them as of lesser importance in comparison to themselves.

since the gods here arent necessarily evil and theyre actually sentient beings, their titles are changed to be more fitting (the mother of puppets -> the mother of fate as an example)

the story is set in an era resembling the early 1900s because idk. vibes are neat i guess

thats all the basic world building crumbs for now, ill go deeper into it when i have more art and story stuff ready!

for now- heres some actual lore :3c

Jonah magnus is basically eye jesus. thousands of years prior to the start of the story, the eye favored him and he became a messiah of sorts.

the House of Magnus is a church sect of the eye founded in what is now london. but it doesnt operate JUST as a simple church. many sects of the eye devote themselves to gaining knowledge of the world around them and the House of Magnus is no different there. operating with a library, research centre and all. the research not just on history and knowledge, but also the holy and divine. documenting stories that deal with the divine powers and researching cursed/blessed artifacts aswell.

its a common legend that if one tells their story under the eyes watch (either in a church of the eye or directly to an avatar of the eye) that theyll receive good fortune and foresight, and since the House of Magnus has become a well known sect of the eye, many will come far and wide to detail their accounts under its roof

all of this documentation leads down to the Magnus Mythos, a large archive under the church where the written documents are filed, curated and cared for by the head Archivist. as such, the position of Archivist has become a most sacred role among worshippers of the eye comparable to the head of the church itself.

they arent just revered for their care of the mythos (though the devotees of the eye view the care of documented knowledge to be a sacred and ever important responsibility) Theres a prophecy, hand woven by the Mother of Fate herself, one that states an ordinary archivist will one day be gifted by all 14 of the gods and awaken the great change, bringing about a new and blessed age.

but is this newest archivist even ready for such pressure and commitment? and what if the prophecy is more devious than one might think?

oooOOOOoooOO mysterious lore- i know this is heavily self indulgent but i refuse to apologize for that because im havin FUN. if you read all of that just know i love you so much and i hope you liked it ;w; im very excited and ive been working on archivist +archival assistant lore for the past few days and im excited to do art for them ;_;

[loemius]

31. What post have you seen recently that makes you wanna scream lmao <3

oh boy youre asking me for the spicy hot takes tonight huh. i am always happy to deliver <3 i dont want to put anyone in particular on blast so ill refrain from mentioning specific posts, but i do find that a lot of content lately in the helpol sphere has been very... surface level. a lot of moodboards, a lot of basics, 101 level content, stuff like 'the gods love you!!'. which isn't inherently a bad thing whatsoever. there is a need for that kind of content! however, i've also noticed in my 2 years on helpol tumblr that a lot of the reconstructionist blogs and informative blogs that i used to follow have either went inactive or deactivated entirely. and i can't help but wonder why this is. i think there's a lot of reasons for it: frustration with the shallowness of content leading to people going off and becoming more solitary practitioners, the more you grow in your practice the less compelled you may become to share it, but also i think a lot of people use tumblr and people's ask boxes as a search engine and that leads to a lot of burnout. it certainly did for me -- i took a hiatus from posting for a long time because i wasn't in a place to educate people. it's a lot of pressure, especially on tumblr where it feels like people will jump down your throat if you're incorrect about things or you suddenly become an Authority that people look up to when youre just a person. people who were posting really helpful and informative content about the theoi simply arent here anymore, and i really think the community's gravitation towards easily consumable content and reliance on people to do research for them is a large part of this. i realize not everyone is recon, which is very much okay, although i personally love being recon. that being said, i still think you should do your best to do your research and understand where these ideas come from. they didn't appear out of thin air -- mediterranean culture is very much alive still and is a continuation of the ancient world, and to not acknowledge or understand it is disrespectful to both the cultural context of the theoi and mediterranean people whose culture we claim to revere. i don't expect everyone to become an academic or a classicist. its not accessible to everyone for a variety of reasons, but i do think like. checking out some of the primary sources in a way thats accessible for you or picking one really good book to really deep dive into would benefit a lot of people. basically, i just wish i saw more in depth posts and people engaging on a deeper level with their faith and being willing to post it so we can have more discussions as a community and grow together. helpol is unique among other polytheistic religions because we have a wealth of primary sources available to us, and that isn't always the case for other polytheistic religions. i think it's... honestly kind of sad that we don't really talk about them. its not that i dont want to see peoples upg or that i dont think there should be posts for beginners, because there is a place for it and i enjoy that content too, but i wish there was more variety in the kinds of posts we have in the community. i miss the days when the tags were full of people writing their own prayers or people talking about a new source they read and what they thought, or compiling something for their own practice and being willing to share it with the community. i guess this is my sign to get back to posting my own original content and make the kind of content i want to see in hopes it'll encourage others to do the same. anyway i got on my little soapbox about this and its time for me to hop off before i hit character limit (again lmao). thank you so much for this ask, this was really refreshing and cathartic for me to talk about. may the gods bless you with health, happiness, and love always <33

[kozykricket]

so recently i tried calamity mod out, and... ive gotta say, i respect it for existing, but it definitely hones in on mostly the bosses and. well, i appreciate terraria for more than just the bosses. if you asked me when i first played terraria, i'd have said yeah the boss fights are the best part definitely, and i want more of that but... as ive grown, and as the game has grown -- and as i have thought more about what makes me like games, and as terraria has felt more complete than ever with 1.4 and such ...well, ill just say i know that what makes me love terraria is Everything that it is, and... i think calamity doesn't really go into expanding on everything. it feels like it kinda wants me to rush past a lot of vanilla things, but... taking my time earlygame is something i kinda appreciate. i know a lot of people shit on terraria for it being Grindy and RNG as hell for certain things, but am i crazy for believing that thats part of the charm? the exploration feels like... the same sense of doing a run in a roguelike. you arent always gonna find what you want, but its still... exciting! to find things! i know i have a few posts worth of "what i disagree with in terms of how calamity mod designs itself" but im just going to focus on how it ... tiktokifies terraria? in this post like, okay. from least egregious to most egregious, calamity:

Reduces the respawn time

Increases base mining speed

Increases base movement speed and capabilities

Gives a starter bag with tons of really nice early game goodies (why? thats just skipping like. 10 minutes of fun for no reason?)

Puts a giant structure above spawn with free planter boxes and all the herb seeds in a chest (also, you can just farm blood moons for making any potion. with blood orbs. oh no its post skeletron that certainly makes a huge difference) (I really don't get why people use alchemistnpc when calamity makes it insanely easy to get potions on its own)

Lets you craft a lot of accessories, from radars to blizzards in bottles.

Makes boss summons repeatably useable* (and notably, their FIRST boss has a bag within a bag, that gives you tons of fishing related items, without having to engage with the angler, so i guess forget the fishing gameplay loop. idc if you think its boring, because i do too. its still just completely moving the gameplay over to fighting a boss which is weird)

so overall i can tell calamity like, wants you to get moving to the later stuff. i get that; it has a LONG progression, and ... they rightfully want to get you moved towards the stuff that they've put the most effort into: the bosses. which i will admit are really fun and really cool, and *i actually do understand why they make boss summons re-usable in calamity, because of the increased difficulty of bosses.* plus theres still the fact you're gonna end up having to make new potions for every new attempt... at least, every retry when you're at the stage where you cant just sweep the floor with the boss. but uhm, that goes to my point on potions being pisseasy. its fine that theres free herb seeds, im fine with that really, because its not like they're that hard to get. you can get all the herb seeds in herb bags in the first 10 minutes. or just by exploring. it just really feels like ... it ADDS to the list of small but subtle little things where calamity hands me things that id normally go adventuring for. like what even is there left for me to adventure for wtf... i was thinking oh i'd really like a blizzard in a bottle and ice boomerang, but instead of needing to explore and spelunk for chests (which is EASY anyways in calamity with the increased mining speed and free spelunker potions) they just ... let me craft both of those?? using just some BLOCKS from the snow biome?? why. do you want me to engage with *anything* that isnt killing stuff, game?? and yknow the increased mining speed is cool, hell even FTW in vanilla does that, but it feels like even less reason to use mining potions and ... less incentive to go on a fun journey for the ancient chisel through the unique challenge of the underground desert. again, yes, its something that can be quite fast in vanilla. you can get hermes boots really easily if you're lucky, and so i understand..?? why people would want to just be able to craft hermes boots; to be able to have a consistent way to get them, instead of going on that gold-chest-gamble. but like... i like that part of the game! i like the early game finding of stuff. and hell sometimes later in the game ill decide hm i wanna go get this early game thing i never got because its for a crafting tree for this big accessory im making. but in calamity its just "ah dw you have all the materials for it now anyways" heck even FISHING is like. yknow, as i said, easier in calamity due to the desert scourge dropping potions for it and such, and its an alternative way to get stuff like a cloud in a bottle or an aglet, or even something like feral claws. so its something easier by calamity, but its also meaningless because you can craft so many things you'd normally either adventure or fish for so all in all, i understand that some people just wanna play terraria for the boss fights, and they dont really care too much for the interludes of roguelike-vibes-exploration between the bosses where you go on RNG hunts and take some time preparing via fishing, but. well i appreciate them darnit oh also its really funny calamity just, makes the magic mirror faster. like. is that even necessary. the base movement speed increase i think is weird when food buffs and stuff like magiluminesence exists. or yknow, boots. especially considering you can just craft the boots. if they want to make sure the player just inherently has more to work off of, then. i dunno, buff the swiftness potion? make a new potion? or make a new accessory? and ive heard they nerf a lot of vanilla things despite the fact that they dont even compete that hard with the calamity stuff. so... yeah, calamity makes some weird decisions. but also, i don't hate the mod for existing; in fact, im glad it exists. its an entirely different experience and yknow what? its valid for it to exist, and it... helps keep the people who want a game like calamity ... content, yknow? keeps them happy.

[adriabun]

angel this is your free pass ask to go ham about whatever’s on your mind w petyle. i am laying down, kicking my feet, and listening 👀

ive been sitting on this in my inbox for so long just trying to collect my thoughts and so many ppl have asked me that...now it is time.....ok

i think the thing i want to talk most about is the beginning of their relationship and what their relationship actually is ...like what about it is making me lose my marbles...i want to get all of this information out because as the ceo of petyle i need everyone to understand how they are characterised and how to correctly view their relationship. anything outside what i think is simply lies and flanderization..../hj.........

i typically default to college-age setting so thats what ill be centering on but my ideas of their dynamic can be malleable to other ages (canon, high school, post covid at a stretch etc)

pete has always been interested in kyle from a distance- theyve never really spoken, but after stan becomes a normie again after his goth stint michael points stan out at school like 'look at that conformist lol' and petes like 'yeah what a loser. also who the fuck is the guy in green.'

we've seen from basic cable where he has a crush on sophie that he isnt necessarily afraid of putting himself out there when hes interested in someone but hes kind of awkward about it. so he approaches kyle a couple of times to see what his deal is. this makes all the other goth kids INSANE like not in a negative way they r either in disbelief (michael, firkle) or think its hilarious (henrietta) that pete has a crush on kyle, he massively denies its a romantic thing tho bc hes not a gaywad...he just wants to know whats up with this guy and why hes so interesting

ngl kyle is probably suspicious or at least confused as why pete has started talking to him once hes over the initial weirdness he realises pete is kind of chill but the award palatable small talk hes trying to have with kyle is really annoying kyle def snaps at some point and asks him what the fuck pete is trying to gain out of this because its obvious hes not being himself.

pete is stubborn enough to not back down atp, hes not gonna let a conformist own him like that. so he starts being himself so much, to a degree where hes almost saying 'you wanted this, fine here you fucking go' in order to make kyle upset. but it doesnt work oh no!! kyle finds his goth eccentricities and pessimism so stupid thats its endearing!!!

nothing between them is inherently romantic or even entirely..friendly. more than anything they enjoy annoying each other in a constant loop of quips and rolled eyes. but theres just like.. something fiery underneath they wont address until they get wasted at a house party and let the alcohol do the talking

i have a habit of favouring either onesided petyle (on petes side ofc) or one that ends with a bad breakup because #stylesweep so a lot of my thoughts are biased towards that sort of ending. i just like relationship/situationship angst ok ...ive been there many times. a part of this angst is the idea that theyre each just 'the best they can get' in the moment. Pete's too internally self loathing to think kyle is actually in love with him or anything. theyre just having fun. its not serious. he refuses to think into any of it emotionally, though its kind of eating him up inside. meanwhile kyle is literally just taking it as it is. he feels a little guilty. he doesnt like pete like that (???) but he cant deny flirting and fooling around with him is fun. and also a distraction from stan getting back with wendy.

anyway thats what i have for now. let me know if anyone wants any more i guess. or any specifics about their actual relationship that i have bouncing around. idk!

[mountain-lion-gremlin]

So yes, im coming up on the end of my detox. During this time, ive actually learned a LOT because simply, im not glued to my phone 24/7.

Society pushes this idea that we NEED phones. That without your portable dopamine box you arent cool, or normal, or whatever the hell they choose to say.

Ive found clarity in my life. Ive focused more on my witchcraft and learning the craft itself. Ive danced in the rain and felt the rhythm of the earth, its heart beating beneath my feet. Ive started to learn Finnish even better than before, and my studies on homework have become so much easier because im not as distracted.

If it was up to me, i would never go back to being glued to my dopamine box. But...

If anyone who is following me and knows of my Amino, Ive been gone from it for awhile now. I worry that certain rules arent being enforced, or its becoming a hateful place. I left it in the hands of my staff, of course, but i still worry...

But regardless, Ill see if I can get an app that allows me to run mobile apps on my computer. I dont want to go back to using my phone unless i have to.

(Keep reading if you wanna see what I have to say about shapeshifting and stuff. I dont want this post to be eons of scrolling to those who dont want to read about it.)

Now, onto the important stuff that people might be asking me.

"Rio, did you fully m-shift and achieve your goals of shifting???" Well... no. Sadly.

Life has been really hectic, so Ive been focusing on the important, human stuff in my life, and have been struggling with balancing the important, animal stuff in my life. Im not going to lie, its easier to do now than it was before, but I still have to put effort into it.

With p-shifting, well... recently Ive been reading a lot of hate on p-shifting in general, how its wrong, how much actual stigma surrounds it, and im in a ditch when it comes to believing it will actually happen. Ive watered down my beliefs so many times for others online recently, that im questioning that they are true.

I know that they arent true. But, I know for a fact that even if I never p-shift, I will still be happy being who I am. Its a constant itch, and constant scratch to be who I really am, but I honestly believe that even if I never do p-shift, I will never stop being here, being a shifter and being happy.

In the end thats all its really about, seriously. Arent we just trying to be happy with ourselves, our identity, our lives? It hurts to even go a step outside of the shifting community, and see hours and hours of people talking about how horrible it is, how manipulative, how impossible it is. It makes me want to hide again in my little bubble and forget I ever saw it.

But it brings a sort of... clarity I guess? Many people who have never been apart of the community or have even ventured in will say "its impossible to do".

People who have been hurt, or have seen the hurt caused by misinformation and misguidance of shapeshifting will almost always say "p-shifting is manipulative, horrible, the people within it are blah blah blah blah blah...."

People who are apart of it but havent p-shifted will say "Ive seen so many success stories, Ive even seen my own progress with it and im really happy" And people who have shifted... well they either disappear quite quickly, or their stories are lost to deaf ears.

And after years and years of feeling like I have to fight against these people, show how I am, show the truth and understand it all... I feel domesticated by the reality that is always, constantly shoved in my face.

Nobody cares. Im trapped within society and I cant escape. I will never be free. I will never, ever be my animal. I am delusional for even believing it.

vitut.

I know that currently in my life, I am where I am. I cannot change it, because I am not old enough to. I know that I have and must make do with what I have, instead of wishing for things I do not have. Cougars are adaptable, we are survivors and change with our enviornment.

There will ALWAYS be time to be who I am. There will always be chance after chance after chance for me, I just have to grab it.

And ive noticed that I no longer have to force every single m-shift. It feels like just thinking about it, about mountain lions causes a shift. Ive gotten so comfortable in my living situation ive been vocalizing as my animal, jumping around on all fours and feeling like my animal.

Sometimes I worry that Ive become so obsessed with trying to m-shift that Ive forgotten that theres still more beyond it. While writing this post, I feel... excited for my future. I feel like p-shifting can happen to me. I feel like I am almost close to permanently m-shifting.

And let me tell you a little secret about m-shifting.

(There is no trigger for when you permanently m-shift. There is no way to actually know by just reading what others say it feels like. There is no actual way to do it.)

Permanently m-shifting to me, simply feels like a comfortableness with my animal. It feels safe, and okay to be who I am. And personally for me, after years of m-shifting, trust is what has brought me to where I am. (This might not be the case for everyone lol, figure out whats going on with yourself instead of using what I say to be the end all for you and your problems!) I was honestly afraid of my other side. That it was dangerous, wild, would hurt someone. I was also afraid that I would never actually get here and do this, because my mental shifts arent as strong or frequent as others. I was also afraid that it wouldnt work. So, so afraid that I would mess up and fail.

But I've learnt that... I am in control of myself. And being an animal IS myself. I have the control to be safe, and not harm others. We all do. Its an idea that has been presented to us through media, stigma, ableism and society itself. We always talk of people "losing control" or "flying off the handle". Werewolves are seen as beings who will rip your face off if they get mad.

We arent like that, you know that, right? I had to trust that I would be in control of my m-shifts. And even if my control has slipped, (such as when I had an m-flare in the middle of gym class) I was able to quickly recover because it wasnt appropriate at school to start running on all fours and hiding beneath the bleachers.

Ive also learnt that no, you cannot fail while m-shifting. There is no right or wrong way to m-shift. There is no way to fail an m-shift. M-shifting is just allowing yourself to be more animal-like, allowing your animal to be safe and comfortable with itself. Its complicated to explain the connection between our animal selves, and our human selves, but the most basic (not too accurate) way to explain it is that we are each other. You are your animal, and your animal is you. As you m-shift more this makes more sense, and you find your own meaning to what your connection, and your animal's connection is.

Regardless, even if I took breaks. Even if I wasnt dedicated, or spent all of my time m-shifting. I still am getting closer. What matters is the fact that you still care about it, and will do it when you can. Its unrealistic to believe someone could constantly be m-shifting actively, most circumstances make it very hard to do so. (Especially mine. I have divorced houses, 2 AP classes im taking, problematic siblings, responsibilities...)

It feels like learning a new language in a sense. Like, to m-shift is to constantly m-shift. To learn a new language is to constantly immerse yourself in it. Well... we cant really do that, so instead we go with short bursts of doing this, with interspersed passive learning, or attempting to m-shift when we can.

And nobody is barred from m-shifting. Let me let you know. NOBODY IS BARRED FROM M-SHIFTING!! Some people I know feel stuck, like they cannot m-shift. That its only involuntary. Listen. Listen listen listen.

There are many different ways to m-shift. So many!! Lots of people say "I cant meditate, and so ill never m-shift." Thats NOT true. Thats not true. I literally cant meditate lol.

And its not really attempting to voluntarily force a shift using triggers and stuff. I just think about it and try to feel more immersed in my senses, allow my perspective of life to shift more animal-like. AND, m-shifts do NOT have to be large, explosive things that change your whole reality and how you think and you want to crawl on all fours and you feel yourself p-shifting and fur-

Nah nah nah. Most shifts people will experience, at least how i know it, will be small, tiny shifts that you most likely wont notice unless you pay attention to it. Even if you arent trying to m-shift in the moment, even thinking about it may cause you to fall into a light shift. You do not need to have very impactful m-shifts to m-shift.

And I wont lie, my friend @dakotathewolf has helped me a lot, even with the endless ramblings on both ends (lol) I feel like we have both grown as people and understand more because of what we have taught each other.

I hope this helps you, dakota, along with anyone else who needs it.

[trauma-bot]

ouuuu i need the lore... i love selfships so much.... nuze lore please.... if you want..........

YAY YAY YAY. im gonna try so hard to keep this somewhat brief to leave room for any more questions but we'll see how that goes <3

so to preface this E does have a toyhouse bio that you can look at if you're curious! it has a more in-depth look at his personality and whole deal. you can also look at his gallery if you'd like; thats where his references and other artwork for him are stored!

ALRIGHT. RAMBLING UNDER THE CUT

a lot of it is very much to fulfill my weird convoluted fantasy of "what if i lost all hope for a future that i exist in and was convinced that i was going to succumb to the claws of my trauma and rot there forever (basically dooming myself in my own narrative) thus becoming the absolute worst version of myself in what i believe to be my final moments only for someone (two someones in this case) to love and believe in me so much that, despite it all and despite everything that was done to me and that ive done myself, gives me enough hope to undoom myself". i'm normal i swear.

also just generally im a big big sucker for stories about survivors of trauma being there for each other, and in that way i get a lot of comfort from nuze.

SO. NUZE LORE... (once again shout outs to my bestie night for coining their ship name lol)

i guess ill break it down like this, starting with N/E. (alt. ship name being pupE love (coined by another bestie of mine charlie)) E knew N back at the manor and they were close friends then, N was the first person E came out as trans to (by that i mean. N helped E work through his tumultuous robo gender feelings in real time) and N was the only one E really felt comfortable around. (other than tessa! E was also friendly with V back then as well<3)

however, E was also badly traumatized by his time in the manor, and of course Canon Events happen. E, as a disassembly drone, is now much more muted, detached, numbed, and devoted completely to their directive. he's very very very repressed and his specific brand of memory issues as well as the fucked up memory dreams causes him to dissociate and spiral a lot. he also distanced himself a lot from N for reasons even he isn't entirely privy to. something in his hardwiring just told him that N would be safer the less E stayed with him. and N is!!! really saddened by that!!! its normal! E has to learn to not be an emotionless object and actually let himself feel and need and yearn, and N is a big help with that (uzi is as well ofc!!)

i have to skip past a lot of things for the sake of not making this post so many words long but regardless; N/E is really special to me because they are two people who are in a very similar and scary situation and have had to see each other get hurt or even killed in many clone instances in many reset memory files. and its the just. the willingness to love despite knowing what happened to you and even witnessing it at times, to say "this is not all we are" and break free from those iron chains despite knowing how much it'll hurt and how dire everything is. E is so convinced that its all worthless and he couldn't be anything more than what he's used for, while N desperately wants a better life for himself and those he loves, and he's gonna drag E kicking and screaming to hope and healing. <3

NOW. UZIE :3 (alt. ship name is angelfangz)

E is MIA from the squad until like right after episode 3 canonically happens and is found by uzi and N. uzi does not trust E at first not one bit LMFAO. she doesn't hate him but like. her only frame of reference for murder drones besides N is V and J. and also E is like. he's weird and says weird cryptic things and is not exactly the easiest to talk to due to how off-putting and repressed he is. at first E is like "why is there a worker drone. in the spire. and we're all okay with this" but after actually getting more context behind Everything he's curious about her more than anything. he has to be swayed into betraying his initial directive (kill all worker drones. yknow) only because thats like all he knows how to do and would feel aimless without it, but once he is he's loyal to his new directive (help uzi figure out what the hell is going on with this solver business). yeah he treats himself like an object that can only find worth in being ordered around but we dont have time to unpack all of that right now. he unlearns it later i prommy.

uzi is like. spitefully resistant to getting to know E on a deeper lever, but this is uzi "no bonding thing" doorman and she cannot help but care about E and be concerned about his behavior. she will notttt admit that however and stubbornly holds her ground. it isnt until post-episode 4 when E and uzi are fully vulnerable around each other.

uziE is. so so very important to me. uzi has been outcasted and isolated for so much of her life, she's been treated as a weirdo freak monster by her classmates and becomes outwardly prickly and aggressive to cope with how little affection and reassurance she's been given. i know she's internalized it to mean there is something wrong with her that everyone else can see, and its only a matter of time before those who actually care for her see it too and leave her. and i know that the events of episode 4 confirmed it in her mind, that she is a freak monster and everyone was right to avoid and hate her, even though she never asked for any of this. thats a very familar feeling to me- and by extension E. E recognizes the feeling of being made into a monster against your will, of fearing and being unable to trust yourself, and of feeling like its best for everyone's safety to hide away. E and uzi find solace and comfort in each other for that. they dont see each other as broken irredeemable monsters, so maybe they aren't.

im stopping here because holy shit this got long but THERES A LOT MORE LOLL. tldr nuze altogether is very very important to me and i could talk about them forever and ever. they love each other all so much and they grow and heal and forgive and aaaaughhhgh<3 im normal.

[ritzcrackee]

may tbr post yayy

rereads are marked by a ☆, new reads are marked by a ♡, and new acquisitions are bolded

physical tbr: 15

more letters from a nut - ted l. nancy ♡

fahrenheit 451 - ray bradbury ♡

little (grrl) lost - charles de lint ♡

dracula - bram stoker ♡

dune - frank herbert ♡

dune messiah - frank herbert ♡

frankenstein - mary shelley ♡

juilet takes a breath - gabby rivera ♡

sense and sensibility - jane austen ♡

stories of people and civilization, greek ancient

origins - lindsay powell, j. k. jackson ♡

the silent stars go by - dan abbet ♡

touched by an angel - johnathan morris ♡

the handmaids tale - margaret atwood ✩

the testaments - margaret atwood ♡

aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the

universe - benjamin alire sáenz ✩

digital tbr: 4

pandora's jar: women in the greek myths - natalie haynes ♡

providence girls - morgan dante ♡

cemetery boys - aiden thomas ♡

if you could see the sun - ann liang ♡

read: 11

an education in malice - s. t. gibson - 3.5/5

i have,,, conflicted feelings on this book. it was good, the action was interesting, the characters were complex, the vibes were impeccable, but,,,,, idkkk.... i can't even verbalize it but there was something about this that just made it a slog to get through.

i can't help myself from comparing it to a dowry of blood, which i feel had a much cleaner execution of very similar themes. dracula felt charasmatic, he felt gravitational, he felt like a person you would give up humanity for. de lafontaine felt,,,, like a mean professor. carmilla and laura constantly wax on about how brilliant and intoxicating she is, but i never felt that. s.t. gibson can write an obsessive, imbalanced, interesting relationship! they can write it very well! so i don't understand why this fell flat for me.

overall, i think this book was disjointed. it felt like a collection of vibey scenes and quotes to put on your instagram. (which, to be fair, the quotes are banger. and the vibes are so so vibes.) i liked it, but i don't know how long it'll stay on my shelf.

maneater - emily antoinette - 2.5/5

tbh i don't have much to say abt this 👍 it was an ok book 👍

hot button issue - catrina bell - 2.5/5

i liked seeing more of this world! the couple wasn't really my thing but thats more of a me issue (get it? no? ok) i do wish there was a little more roller derbying but overall this was cool.

wild is the witch - rachel griffin - dnf

cool concept but the writing style was too repetitive for my taste 👍

luxuria - colette rhodes - dnf

i didn't like this book whoopsies. i wanted to actually try fantasy romance instead dismissing the entire genre but ummm. yeah no i don't like fantasy romance. not my thing. paranormal besties please take me back ill never stray again 🙏

garron park - nordika night - 1/5

ok so. well. where do i even start with this book. extremely silly to, at 25 years of age, call someone your enemy. are you five? are you five years old? everyone certainly swears like a five year old. tiny baby writing tip: maybe keep the word fuck to, like, once a paragraph.

additionally, you can create tension without violence sometimes! if your main characters have confessed their undying love to each other, probably they can talk to eachother for four seconds! probably they don't need to punch eachother as much! probably, a change in their actions and words would show the audience how much their relationship has grown.

i also wasn't super into how many times the main characters brothers brought up how sexy they were? kind of a weird move. certainly not something i would choose to say about my own brother, nor my best friends brother! maybe thats just me though who knows

it was genuinely just edgy k-pop wattpad poverty-porn yaoi but? i did read 300 pages in one sitting so? points for that? you get 1 point for that.

rebel girls - elizabeth keenan - 2.5/5

second pro-choice book i've read this month so thats cool! guess we have a theme going. tbh i don't have much to say about this. the characters were interesting, if lacking in depth. the plot was fine, if lacking in depth. the messaging was good, if lacking in depth. i guess this book was overall, lacking in depth. i'm sure my local free little library will appreciate it. 👍

undergrounders - j. e. glass - 2.5/5

this is just the month of the perfectly average books huh? everybody's getting 2.5 stars skdisjdj.

anyways, i wanted to see if my issue with luxuria was actually its genre, or if it was the overwhelming hetero of it all. so i read a queer fantasy romance! with all of the tropes i like! and i still didn't enjoy it :(. i am glad that i tried this, but i can say with absolute certainty now that fantasy romance is not for me.

the main couple was sooooo cutes though and the side characters were sooooo cutes and the worldbuilding was v v v cool! if you like sapphic fantasy romance? absolutely reccomend this book!

the ballad of songbirds and snakes - suzanne collins - 3/5

girl this is why u reread books bcus i used to tell people that this was my favorite book ever. it is not. idk why i thought that.

ANYWAYS this was alright. i liked how easy the themes were to pick up on, the ambiguous ending, and listening to coriolanus justify his weird evil behavior. that was cool. i didn't like um lucy gray. not because she was bad, but because she felt like a non-character yk? i thought she had some pretty cool characterization in the beginning, especially surrounding her being a performer (being a parallel to coriolanus) but then she kind of fell off and just became a stock Trusting Girlfriend. which was meh. i'm excited to watch the movie, snow lands on top or whatever 👍

cultish: the language of fanaticism - amanda montell - 4/5

this was very cool to learn about and easy to digest 👍. not a full 5/5 because it was nonfiction so i wasn't obsessed with it, but definitely more engaging than most other nonfiction books I've read.

fox court - nora sakavic - 1/5

started reading this because i heard that it was like,,, bad but addictive? like full wattpad nonesense but u look up and you've finished the whole series in one sitting yk? it was,,, not that way for me. i thought it was boring, confusing, and the characters were sooo unlikable. ik this has a pretty big fandom on here please don't come for me sowwyy um. yeah

last months goal: finish a reread

WOO HOO i did it this time! gold star for me, best reader in the whole world. this was really easy, because i genuinely couldn't remember a single thing about a ballad of songbirds and snakes, so it felt like i was reading a brand new book. i also said that i wanted to carve away a more sizable chunk of my tbr this month, which i kind of did? i only read 3 physical books, but i got rid of almost an entire shelfs worth because my family was having a yard sale! so yk. vibes.

this months goal: ... finish dune

LOOK LOOOK STOP THROWING TOMATOES AT ME LOOK ok. last time this was a lofty goal filled with folly and big dreams and it was stupid. THIS TIME i literally only have 257 pages left. which is actually so reasonable. if i read 50 pages a night before bed that's only 5 days of reading. i can straight up do this one this time I PROMISE.

[growling]

i previously didn't give this much thought until it got explicitly pointed out to me via some post but. there really are just. guys in my brain. like 99% of my entire day is occupied by constant daydreaming-like-thing(?)(not putting a label on that) of instead being these rotating group of people (id say there's.......3) where i hardly ever get to actually be myself ever. every time i actually happen to think of something then its never just a me thing i always immediately get blasted by very normal visions of what they always think about that. but i guess thats fine since they always have the same or very similiar opinions to me. im not exaggerating when i said that almost every minute of my life is just focused on those daydreams im being very serious they are always thinking but never about anything i personally experience since i guess thats my problem apparently. they got their own ongoing lives currently, one of them's got a girlfriend that i'm jealous of, one got trauma that even makes me a bit uneasy when something reminds me of that, one of them looks exactly like me but is so not me down to the behavior and voice but i honestly forgot what my voice sounds who makes me miss people i have never met but they are close with. me, i simply never have anything to add most of the time and it requires something else important enough to snap me back into reality. i don't even know if me never being able to concentrate on anything or just do things or even think ever might be because of possible adhd or because i'm nearly nonstop preoccupied with living their lives unable to ever really stop for any period of time that actually matters. honestly, me also being a yomi fictionkin (and possible various other nonhuman shit) is so very similiar to all of those things too, via.... reasons but its still actually feeling like me. if something like that exists in a simple form. i don't know what even counts as me if i'm simply not there. guess i'm now some kinda flesh vessel for multiple infinitely cooler people that's busy with other stuff and problems they got but still just won't leave me alone. but tbh im fine with them just because ill be so empty without their constant interruptions and these weirdly rich inner worlds like itll just be radio silence

[fruifruit]

Sir-ma’am I just read the Pokémon fanfic you put on ao3 and I am here to ask you to info dump about it because I am starved for pokemon stuff as it is my current hyperfixtation.

(you don’t have too if you don’t want to but I’m very intrigued)

OMG IM SO HONORED FJDKLSJFDLSK i dont know where to start tho hmm,,

i guess ill start off w the fact that i created rudy because i felt like a lot of the fandom characterized juliana/florian as too soft/forgiving of kieran's actions?? like dont get me wrong their interpretations of their characters are still valid absolutely but i felt like i needed someone more abrasive and more challenging towards kieran's bs. i really think he needed someone to challenge him and snap back against his more angry/angsty actions especially when he blames the mc for ogerpon making her own choice, and not to just roll over and take it like i see a lot of the time. thats not really exemplified in the fanfic ofc because its more of a softer post-terapagos piece but in the future that's a lot of what rudy does!!

to add to that i originally planned for the fanfic to be much longer, it would have probably pushed at least 7000 words if i had actually finished it, but that was kind of the problem JLKFDJSLK i could feel my motivation slipping with a lot of it so i just decided to focus on just them getting out of area zero. if i had stuck with my original plan it would have probably taken far longer to come out but would have covered their descent into area zero, the terapagos fight, and little bits in between where rudy is Fucking Panicked about being in area zero again after the lab incident (which she is incredibly traumatized by and i hadnt thought of this prior to posting the fic but ive decided she becomes hard of hearing in one ear bc of it) and kieran picking up on that but not knowing how to deal with it because they have not reconciled at this point. it would have had a lot of tension and a lot of fighting until they got to terapagos which is where the real fun would begin. im actually considering finishing those segments and then publishing them in their own work sometime in the future :3c

annnddd to end off i could tell you about rudy's team since i didn't show them during the fic!! she's got dance and sound based pokemon because shes a dancer first and a battler second, and her pokemon are quaquaval, oricorio, lilligant, noivern, volcarona (unovan), and toxtricity! notable early mentions are krikitune, zorua, and luvdisc who are now happily living around her dorm room JLKFDJSL

[sabaramonds]

dmdp posting again. hey guys. MANGA SPOILERS !!! ive rambled about this on discord and on twitter in bits and pieces but it haunts me so im going to talk about it again here. so theres this song i heard a month or so ago, turtles all the way down by sammy copley, and every time i listen to it i start tearing myself apart at the seams over the corpse god and his emperor (and once again i will be referring to them strictly as their titles because, again, if you havent read the entire manga and been edged for 80 chapters, it just isnt right...) typical ok this got super long so im actually putting it under a cut this time but 👇 go forth if you want to be subjected to the depths of my illness

anyway!!! i just cant help it. everything about it perfectly encapsulates their relationship from corpse gods perspective. like

im not well as you can tell by the way i havent looked you in the eye im about to lie and say im fine but inside you and i know thats not true but its either this or let my burden weigh on you and that i just cant do so ill choose for the both of us and youll just go along because youve trusted me for no good reason here i am, committing treason force the last page of our story one more boring allegory hope to god youll rise above me; always bite the hand the loves me mine, mine is the unkind kindest cut of all and ill watch you fall

i feel crazy. “but its either this or let my burden weigh on you / and that i just cant do / so ill choose for the both of us” because corpse god doesnt want to burden his emperor more than he already has; his emperor has already dirtied his hands for him. thats already too much. “youve trusted me for no good reason / here i am committing treason / force the last page of our story” because he feels as if he is unworthy of his emperors love and trust and kindness and that aside from what hed done under a foreign necromancers influence, the grief and rage that possessed him to act in violence made him even more unworthy - made him a traitor to his masters teachings, to his emperors affection... even before we got further context for their relationship in the last few chapters of the most recent arc (civil having his #girl moment) i wrote in “the ghost of who you were” that corpse gods escapist fantasy of seeking out a world, or creating one, where his emperor would never have to dirty his hands on corpse gods behalf - or on the behalf of any child subjected to violence by adults who should love them - was an impossible dream he chased in an attempt to outrun the forgiveness of his emperor (though, to his emperor, there is nothing to forgive at all) also “hope to god youll rise above me; always bite the hand that loves me / mine is the unkindest kindest cut of all / and ill watch you fall” so fucking prophetic. to me. about corpse god choosing for both of them (sealing away his emperor and other spirits hed contracted with deep within himself so they could not reach out to him and judge him for what he had done) and the fact he did, indeed, watch his emperor fall; he had done it himself, with his own two hands, as unwillingly as it had been.

and i am aware that its not fair to bring you here then send you on your way you had so much to say and to ask like, “why am i not cut out for the task of loving you forever, of holding you and never wanting less?” well, i can take a guess see, i could choose for the both of us and youll just go along because youve trusted me for no good reason love, no matter what the season; force the last page of our story youre my favorite allegory hope to god that youll forgive me; my mistakes will long outlive me mine, mine is the unkind kindest cut of all and ill watch you fall

ripping my face off as i listen to this song and think about them right now. as we speak. “and im aware that its not fair / to bring you here then send you on your way” like every single part of this. “hope to god that youll forgive me / my mistakes will long outlive me” corpse god binding his emperors soul to him (consensually) only to push him away in the aftermath out of guilt and grief and feelings of inadequacy. his emperor never stopped wanting him, not even when corpse god became one of the undead himself; not even when he was nothing but bones held together by his masters magic, a brain in a jar kept cradled close to his frail, fleshless vessel... in his emperors own words: “no matter what youve turned into, the empire and i are always on your side.” in chapter 80, he says to corpse god, “being alive isnt about whether or not youre dead body. its about whether youre looking to the future or not.” he follows this up by addressing corpse god not by the title he himself had given him, but by his name (BRAIN DAMAGING) (I WAS ON THE FLOOR WRITHING LIKE A WORM)

and i dont know if this makes it any easier perhaps youll find comfort when i say: you and i are nothing more than meteors, never meant to live long past today yes. ill choose for the both of us: youll just go along because you trusted me against your judgement you deserve someone who doesnt force the last page of your story no more boring allegories hope to god youll rise above me, though youll always be part of me mine, mine is the unkind kindest cut of all ill watch you fall now watch me fall

most of the song i feel very strongly reads as corpse gods perspective but “perhaps youll find comfort when i say / you and i are nothing more than meteors, never meant to live long past today” feels like such an emperor thing to say. when you are a child emperor, you are braced for political assassination; when you are from a land where necromancy is a real and thriving art, your fear of death can be softened by the knowledge that if the one you love outlives you (even if their own flesh, too, is long gone) then your voice will still be heard by those who matter. though even then, the emperor is quite a funny guy. he loved corpse god before he was corpse god; he loved him when he was flesh and bone, loved him when that flesh dissolved and he was left as just a skeleton of who he had been; he loved him when corpse god killed him, loved him when corpse god bound them together. and always, he waited for when corpse god would be ready to face him, waited for him to be able to live. because corpse god was not alive before. if we go off of the emperors idea of “being alive” meaning “looking forward”, corpse god was always looking down or looking back; caught in his past, his regrets, his fears. i mentioned what his emperor said in chapter 80. in chapter 81, the opening page of corpse god is him smiling at the sight of his emperors back, thinking to himself: “unlike me, you only ever looked ahead. how could you keep your eyes trained forward on what was to come? i didnt understand at the time (and here, we see corpse god as he once was: face hidden by a bone mask and cowl, unsmiling) but now, i think i get it a little.” he thinks this as he watches his emperor dirty his hands on his behalf once again. he called for his emperor willingly, this time; he asked for his help, not as a subject beseeches their lord, but as a friend. an equal, the way his emperor had always treated him; he is ready to be alive, now. he is ready to look forward instead of past, to accept his emperors forgiveness, his love; to think of himself as worthy returning that love and wait i forgot lol i was so caught up in the insanity of the emperors perspective in those first few lines and segueing into corpse gods growth during the latest arc that i forgot to talk about “hope to god youll rise above me / though youll always be part of me” wanting his emperor to have better than what he does (corpse god) but wanting to always keep part of him with him + “ill watch you fall / now watch me fall” literally he killed his emperor with his own hands (unwillingly) and then his downward spiral in his grief and when he eventually went absolutely bananas on those geldwood cultists giving them a brutal torturous death for murdering the orphan children he was caring for at the time and believing his actions had made him unworthy of the power he wielded and (holding my head) as you can tell i think about this song and about them a normal amount. i think ill stop talking here. for now. i just. oh my god. theyve come so far. the fact corpse god is able to face his emperor now. jesus christ 😭 if you think im bad about these two just wait until i start talking about civil. lol