#//at the cost of her body also trying to reject it if that makes sense.

[normal-thoughts-official]

here is the thing

when i started playing bg3, i didn't expect wyll to be so devoted to karlach. her devotion to him is a given; the guy risked his life to save her when they had literally just met. of course he matters so much to her

but wyll matched that same devotion right back, as if she had been the one to save him, even though karlach never really got the chance to do anything of that magnitude back for him

but then i think about it

mizora's punishment plays directly into wyll's worst trauma. to be suddenly branded as demonic, so people will always look at him and see that first. like his father did. like the whole city, everyone who ever knew him, did. no amount of good deeds will ever be enough to compensate for his association with evil; his soul will burn in hell and he will not be welcome anywhere because he's a greedy warlock who made his choice. i don't know if that is actually true, but he certainly thinks it to be, if anything, from his assumption that the people of the grove (whose lives he had just saved, and who had known him for at least a few days as nothing but a kind hero who looked out for them) would be unable to look past his appearance and wouldn't want him near them

and mind, mizora clearly wants wyll to stay isolated. why else would she forbid him from explaining the circumstances of his pact? what could she possibly gain from that, other than making sure he can never dispel the notion that he made a deal with the devil simply for power?

so it makes sense that that, more even than the non-consensual body modification, was the punishment. to put his warlock status on display, so that people would immediately be offput by him - and even if they aren't, he will be sure they are

his own father couldn't stand to look at him, and that was back when he had just lost an eye

but the first thing karlach tells him is this:

"Thank you for seeing me for who I really am. And... I think I can see you for who you really are, too. A hero"

obviously, it's common sense for her to see him like this after he just saved her life at great, and at the time unknown, personal cost. but it would also have been common sense for his father to know that the son he himself raised and who's nothing if not a paragon of kindness and duty wouldn't just decide to sell his soul for power out of the blue one fine day. or that, if he keeps trying to say something but can't, then there might be more to the story. for fuck's sake, he lost an eye. and yet, ulder didn't. wyll's association with the demonic was enough to dispel everything about his personhood, his values, and his actions. and now said association was branded, quite literally, on his forehead

and karlach's suffered so much at the hands of devils. just like with the other tieflings, he expects her to be unsettled by him, at the very least

but then she says that she looks at him and sees only a hero. the man who saved her. the man who cared enough to listen and do what was right. the man who sacrificed something for her, who had to make a choice no one should have to make

he had saved an entire city when he first made the pact, and yet not one soul in it was able to see that. see him

but karlach did

karlach does

and not only that. not only is she the first person in perhaps his whole life to put more weight to wyll's personhood and actions than to mizora's; but she knew he needed to hear that. she says it like someone who's trying to offer a comfort in a hopeless situation, which is exactly what she's doing. she knows that he is afraid of being rejected

and of course she does

she is the one who comes closest to fully understanding him.

can you imagine being wyll and seeing karlach's story play out in dizzyingly rapid succession in your mind? had a pretty good, happy life, then in the span of one day everything changed when she was associated with the demonic. she lost everything and everyone she ever had. from then on, she only knew one thing: to fight. no rest and no friends and no breaks, just endless, senseless fighting. her body was changed against her will. she hadn't been touched in a positive way in ten years. even fucking mizora was there

that's his story, too

sure, he might not have been literally unable to touch people, but neither was karlach when she was in hell. he's been completely alone except for mizora for the last seven years, at least in the ways that matter. nothing in his life was constant, except for the fighting and the humiliation at a devil's hand. and the loneliness

of course he thinks it's a trick. it hits too close to home

and of course he can't help but listen anyway. because wyll is nothing if not compassionate, and he's just watched a tldr of his own pain inflicted on someone else

so when karlach says that she still sees him as himself first?

he is reminded that she gets it

for the first time in seven years, he is not alone, and he is understood

of course he would do anything to keep her in his life, just as she would

in a way, she did save him, too.

(slightly late meta submission for @thekindredcollective's wyllstravaganza2024, day 19: bond)

[scar-lie]

Crazy Love Pt. 2 {Natasha}

Summary : Natasha finally said the unspoken truth

Pairing : Natasha Romanoff x Fem ! Reader

Warning : Torture, blood, screaming, death, suicide

Word count : 5,800

Crazy Love Pt. 1

Crazy Love Pt. 3 Ver. 1

Crazy Love Pt. 3 Ver. 2

Cherrylemontober

NO one has permission to repost my work anywhere, if you see it please let me know.

It's been 5 months since you got away. The slip up of almost getting caught that day wasn't the end of what you're doing. No, not even close, everything just got worse

 Ever since that cursed day, following Natasha's every move was at the top of your list. The need to make sure she was safe was too much to ignore, you needed her safe, no matter the costs

Following her every move also meant witnessing men continuously flirt with her. The flirtatious acts towards Natasha made you angry, you couldn't control it. You really tried to but at the end of every night the man's blood would end up on your hands and another victim would be added to your ledger

It's not like she couldn't sense someone was continuously following and watching her, she is the Black Widow after all. One of the deadliest, sneakiest, and intelligent assassins but at the end of the day you still managed to outsmart her. No matter how hard or close she came to catching you, you would always find a loophole before she could

Tonight isn't any different. As you follow the latest man who harassed her, Natasha, thoughts of what he did swarmed your mind. The image of him cat-calling her as she walked into the party and even slapping her ass after her clear rejection. The guy would not quit and seeing that Steve wasn't there to protect her caused you to get more angry

The image in your head gets more consuming as you finally catch up with him and shove him into an empty alley

"Who the fuck are you," he questions trying to push you off

Instead of verbally answering you drive your fist hard into his stomach causing him to fall on the ground, gasping for air. You grab his head and send a hard punch to his jaw causing him to knock out

You kneel down and force him to sit up to make it easier to pick him up. As you pick him up from the ground you make sure no one is around and start carrying him to your car to put him in the trunk

You then climb into the driver's seat and smirk while you start to drive off, excitement filling your body as you think about the painful punishment awaiting him

"NO, PLEASE STOP!" he exclaims while pain shoots through his body as you run your knife through his body, occasionally adding more pressure to make large gashes

He continues to plead for your mercy while you put the tip of your knife on his thigh and add more pressure, slowly causing it to drive deeper into his skin. As you continue your actions he tries to break away, which is no use due to the ties you put on his wrists and ankles

As he continues to try to move away from you, more cries and pleads leave his mouth as more cuts are made on his skin from the metal bed you tied him to when he was unconscious

 You continue to do this until his body is full of large gashes and cuts. You carve carefully into his skin, making sure the words are visible for when the police find his body

A frown comes across your face as silence surrounds the room, the agonizing screams and begging no longer heard, even as you put the knife deep into his rib cage and twist it

You finally move your gaze to look at his face and huff and shake your head in disappointment as you see him no longer breathing and a slight paleness flooding his face. With a long sigh you roll your eyes and get off of him

From the amount of blood over the scene you could tell he died of blood loss. An annoyed groan escaped your throat

"You could only last ten minutes" You wipe your face with wipes, weighing as you get a sack to put his body inside and in carrying it into the trunk of your car, as you slam the trunk closed you mumble

"Well, that was no fun. I had so many fun plans for you but I guess I'll have to use them on the next douchebag" you quickly climb into the driver side of your car and put it into drive to make your way home

Before arriving at your house, you make a quick detour to dispose of the body. When you finally arrive home you quickly enter and make your way to your bedroom to dispose of your clothes and take a much needed shower

After you finish your shower you quickly change into new clothes and grab the old ones. You quickly go into your living room and start a fire in the fireplace

As the fire starts to grow you throw the clothes into the fire. Burning them was the easiest way to get rid of the blood stained clothes, no traces were left

In the Avengers Compound the team is stressing out due to the uprise of murders that have been going on for the past few months

The Avengers handling murder cases wasn't very common, the police handed the cases over to them due to them not being able to get any leads

The cases were getting worse every month, the only people who would be able to figure this out were the world's mightiest heroes

"Any lead where she could be?" Tony asked, clearly stressed out

The team has been tracking and trying to find where you are but they can't get any direct leads. The air is tense as they try to find a lead, tension fills everyone's body, especially Natasha and Wanda

When the pair figured out it was you behind all of the killings they didn't tell Fury. A divide was made in the team when they confessed to knowing it was you

The others wanted to tell the Director while Clint and Thor agreed with Natasha and Wanda on not telling him. Which is why the heroes are currently fighting with each other

"Nothing," Sam simply said while looking around the room. Steve abruptly got up from his chair

"No one can stop me from telling Fury. It's the right thing to do!" Steve said in a leader voice

"Don't you fucking dare, Steve!" Nat threatens while taking an intimidating step towards him

"Not even you babe, I'm sorry but we have to tell him," Steve said while trying to walk past her but Nat didn't let up and stopped him before he could

"No one will tell this to Fury," Nat exclaimed then that's the start of more chaos

Steve and Nat fall into a screaming match while the others have their own amongst each other. The screaming matches abruptly end when a hologram appears in the middle of the room. Everyone turns their gazes to see Fury standing with his hands behind his back

"Director Fury," Nat says while sending a respectful nod to him, causing everyone else to greet him

"Sorry to bother you all at this time but another victim has been found in the outskirts of the city," he simply states while keeping a stern look. The team all shake their heads as disappointment fills them

Natasha closes her eyes, she can't believe that this is happening, she can't and doesn't want to accept the truth that you're killing people for her, that your love is flooding over you to the point where you would actually kill just for her

She can't believe this because you're her best friend, the person who was always bubbly, cheerful, adorable and sweet

She can't accept that the Y/n she's always known is different now, a crazy person who would kill people just because of a feeling that's supposed to cause happiness in life, the feeling of love

She's so lost in her thoughts that her brain didn't even register that Tony and Steve were telling Fury about you being the murder

Natasha finally got out of her head when she saw Wanda's hands glowing red in her peripheral vision

"How long," Fury sternly asks, causing Nat to quickly sit beside Wanda and hold her hand to calm her down

"Since a few months ago," Bruce mutters while Nat continues to comfort Wanda until the red on her hands and eyes start to slowly fade

"And you just decided to tell me that Y/L/N is the person behind this" Fury sternly questions causing Nat to close her eyes and clenched her jaw, anger coursing through her body

She wants to save you because she knows that the Y/n she knows and loves is still there, Wanda wants to save you too, she believes what Natasha believes, they both have the same reasons and beliefs

They kept talking until the call ended, Wanda quickly pinned them down using her powers, excluding Nat, Clint and Thor

"What the fuck! why did you tell him," Wanda hissed, causing Nat to get in front of her and put her hand on her arm to calm her down

She could tell her powers were too powerful for the boys, their groaning and gasps of pain being enough to tell just how powerful Wanda's powers were

"He- he had the right- to know," Steve gasped out between painful winces, the statement only firing something inside Wanda causing her to hold them even tighter

"Hey, hey Wanda calm down," Nat cups her face, making Wanda's gaze turn to her

Once Wanda's eyes land on Natasha's, she smiles and sends a quick nod, then Wanda starts to slowly calm down causing her powers to fade away until she completely releases them

"We can't hide the fact that it's her forever" Bruce exclaimed while rubbing over the part of his body that Wanda's powers were on

A silence falls over the room as they take a few minutes to catch their breath, not wanting to fight anymore

"So now what?" Nat questions them, still angry. They look at each other having a silent conversation

After a few days of going over the cases, they finally come up with a plan which leads to now

The first part of the plan starts with Tony having one of his huge parties and Nat wearing a sexy revealing dress

Natasha quickly checks around the room to see everyone in position. Nat goes on the dance floor while Steve acts like he's busy with something else

Nat starts to dance while acting drunk causing a man named James to approach her and start to touch her

On the other side of the compound you're hiding with binoculars, you keep your gaze focused on Natasha. Anger starts to bubble in your stomach as you see someone all up on her again

As the scene continues to unfold, his hands continue to wander over her body causing your blood to boil, you quickly glance at Steve to see him busy doing something else

It goes on until the party starts to slowly die down, you keep an eye on the guy while keeping an eye on Natasha

Once you see that the guy is walking on the dark side of the compound you quickly go to him and knock him out, you pick him up and start to go to your car but before you get a chance to take another step the team corners you

The team's plan goes according to plan, James, the guy who was set to flirt and harass Natasha, is an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D (Clint's friend)

The plan was to let James act like an awful man who would harass Nat, the team would act like they don't know what is happening and when the party dies down James will be the last to go out. The team got in position and stood by the corner you were in and boom, they surrounded you

"Y/N" Natasha whispers

You look at the team and smirk, you drop James on the ground and chuckle, patting down your clothes to fix the wrinkles

"Long time no see guys" you enthusiastically exclaim with a grin on your face

"Y/N/N please, just stop this," Wanda whispers pleadingly, only loud enough for you to hear

You turn to her and smile sweetly, you take a step but Vision and Bucky stop you, Bucky points his gun and Vision puts his strong arm in front of you, you look at it and chuckle

"Don't you dare take another step," Tony hisses, pointing his repulser at you. You turn to him with innocent eyes

"Why Dad?" you question keeping an innocent look

"Am I in trouble? I didn't break one of your suits, nor interrupt you from your lab" you spit out the last part with a sweet voice

He shook his head at your antics, he loves you so much, he treated you like his own daughter. When you mentioned the last sentence, memories of when you were happy swarmed his mind

"Stop it" he bites out

"You're not her! I don't want to hurt anyone to get hurt, especially you but you're leaving us no choice here Y/N" Tony tries to bargain while looking at you again causing his eyes to fill with anger when he realizes you're not the same person anymore

"Awh, you're all so sweet," you sarcastically exclaim through gritted teeth with a smile on your face while your gaze is set on them

"Just surrender Y/N," Natasha says with a pleading tone and eyes

"You know that I love you so much Nat, I can give you the world, that's how much I love you! I'm willing to do everything for you but I'm so sorry my love, I love you Nat" you confess with a loving tone while staring into her eyes. As soon as she smiles and tries to take a step towards you, you drop the smile and look at her with an emotionless gaze. You wanted to fall into this, fall into her, but deep down you knew that it was a trap. You may be crazy for her love but you're not dumb, as soon as Natasha sees your change in emotion she frowns at you

"But you can't fool me" you lowly say, you then throw a gas bomb at your feet and as soon the gas spreads you quickly bring everyone down, some try to stop you but you dodge their moves

When the gas starts to fade you quickly run away from them. Bruce, Sam, Bucky and Vision groan and wince holding onto themselves due to you injuring them. Nat, Steve, Tony, Wanda, Clint and Thor weren't affected so they chased after you

As you're running Tony lands in front of you and tries to hit you with his repulser, you dodge it and with your skills you manage to take his mask and turn off his suit, as you're about to stab him in the thigh, Steve grabs you and throws you in a tree

You groan while standing up, Clint approaches you and tries to bring you down but you quickly slip him off of his feet and slice the side of his rib cage and stab him under his collar bone, seeing Clint on the ground, Steve and Tony try to bring you down

You fight with them, they are strong but you manage to get off of them and run again then Thor tries to hit you with his thunder but when he's busy summoning his power you throw two daggers at him and it lands on his right bicep and the side of his abdomen

Tony, Steve, and Wanda quickly approach you to try to end this. As Tony approached you, you noticed how he had his suit back on which didn't matter because you took it off of him and stabbed him in the hip and threw him into the tree

You're near your exit, but Steve stops you, you both exchange punches until Nat joins too. They try to bring you down but fail, you know them very well, reading what their next move would be was a big advantage for you

Steve gets a hold of you and Nat is gonna put you to sleep but you have other plans, you pout at her and laugh like a crazy person

"I love you Natasha but," as you trail off you use Steve as strength and kick Natasha to her face making her nose bleed and slam down on the ground

You jump Steve's back and quickly stab him on the back of his hip and tase him making him fall to the ground. Wanda quickly comes into your view, you look at her with a pout then smile, her eyes glow red while she starts to form an energy ball, you gasp at it like you're surprised at what she's doing

"You know my dear friend, you're late for the fight and now an energy ball, seriously?" You laugh at her actions causing her to look at you with anger in her eyes

"You leave me no choice Y/N, I don't want to do this but I have to" she continues to form the energy ball to throw it at you but stops when you state something that makes her question herself

"You have to because that's what they ordered you to do Wanda! Look at what happened to your dear brother, he died because you both followed Ultron, you both helped him take the whole city of Sokovia down, if you both didn't take orders, there would've been no war in Sokovia," you bitterly exclaim with a smile causing Wanda to get lost in her mind

"That's enough!" Natasha exclaims through gritted teeth

She then uses one of her widow bites on you causing you to fall to the ground. You quickly take it off and slowly stand up, you look at her with an emotionless expression

That's when Natasha realized that fighting with you will never change your mind but what she did next really shocked you

"Y/N, I'm not gonna fight you, okay," she said softly while taking off her widow bites and taking her guns and knives off of her body and resting them on the ground. She then stands up with hand in the air, showing you her surrender

"Let's talk, please," she says with a pleasing tone

"I'm not gonna fight you, I promise" You didn't buy it but you just look at her and she sends you a pleading nod

"Okay, it's fine if you keep your weapons, but please" she says while starting to take a step towards you causing your body to get into alert mode

Noticing this she stops to let you adjust to her, when she knows that you're okay she starts to walk towards you slowly again, you let her until she's in front of you. Tears fall down her eyes causing you to wipe them with your thumb, she then cups your face and sniffles while smiling at you

"Please stop this, this is madness, this is not the Y/n I know," she whispers, searching in your eyes for any sign of the Y/n she knows but she couldn't find the spark you used to hold in your eyes. She couldn't find you in them anymore

"I'm willing to do anything to protect you, those guys" you trail off trying to contain yourself

"They deserved to die" you whisper lowly and your eyes turn soft

Nat smiles as she notices the shift in your expression, hoping that the 1% of her Y/n will be enough to get through to you, she'll take that small chance to bring you back

"I know but you don't have to do that" she caresses your cheeks with her thumb and smiles at you

"You're a hero Y/n, you're not the Villain. You do good things for people, you don't go around killing people like that" she whispers softly and puts her forehead on yours, you close your eyes and feel the connection, you even drop the knife you held in your hand

"I'm just doing what I know is right" you whisper while looking at her eyes. You're so lost in the moment that you crash your lips on hers

Shock runs through Natasha's body while anger starts to bubble in her chest, unable to contain herself she harshly pushes you off

Guilt starts to cloud her brain as she starts to feel like she cheated on Steve which causes her to get more angry

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO!" she shouts while wiping her lips. Her lashing out causes you to go back to your crazy side, you chuckle and shrug your shoulders

"I just kissed you my love-" Before you could finish your sentence she cuts you off

"DON'T FUCKING CALL ME THAT! I'M NOT YOUR LOVER AND WILL NEVER  BE! YOU'RE A FUCKING KILLER!" As she shouts in your face, no emotion is seen on yours which causes Natasha to get even more angry

"YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR ME?!" she questions

"YOU KILL EVERY MAN WHO LAY THEIR HANDS ON ME BUT YOU KNOW WHO YOU NEED TO KILL NEXT?!" she bitterly questions, completely losing her composure. You keep your silence causing Nat to go on

"YOUR FUCKING SELF! YOU'RE A FUCKING KILLER!, YOU THINK THEY ARE DANGEROUS FOR ME?! WHAT IF I GOT WITH YOU?!" she exclaims with venom filled in her tone

"I WOULD CHOOSE TO BE WITH ANY OF THOSE MEN OVER YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE THE MOST DANGEROUS PERSON!" she shouts pointing her finger in your chest aggressively causing Wanda to snap out of her thoughts and watch what was going on

"YOU'RE A CRAZY, DANGEROUS, KILLER. THE WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE WITHOUT YOU IN IT!" she exclaims again, finally taking a deep breath to gather herself

"Stop following me, killing for me and most importantly stop loving me because I will never love you the way you want me to" she hisses out bitterly

You stand there, taking everything she said in, Wanda just stands there gulping at what Natasha said, she doesn't want to get in between this so she chooses to stay out of it

"Is that really what you want?" you ask with an emotionless tone

She looks at you with confusion, but nods frantically and Wanda bites her lips alternating her gaze between the both of you

"Yes! Yes that's what I want" she said still angry causing you to simply nod at her

"Okay" you simply state and then throw a small chip at Wanda causing her to fall to the ground and tase Natasha in the neck making her go weak

"But I will never surrender myself to you" you simply state, you run off until you approach your emergency vehicle, it was a black 2020 BMW R1250 RS

Once you get in the vehicle you quickly drive off, away from them and make sure that no one's following you. Once you confirm you're not being followed you speed off to your house

It's been a week now and the team stressed at first that you got away but it was a relief when no new victims were found, it makes them think that you stop but they are still trying to find you

They want to see and talk to you in a good way, not like your last encounter, they keep looking for you

But Natasha is so bother at where you at and the package you send to her the night after the fight, it was a small box with full of the flower of a cherry blossom tree and a note, she don't want to open it so she don't know what it is but she always keep it on her pocket

Then Wanda is so lost in her head, after the fight she feels something wasn't right after that she feels all of your connection to her is gone, and it makes her worried and drives her crazy, she just wishes that you're ok

"Finally!" Tony shouts and writes down the address of your house, everyone goes to him

"What? What is it?" Natasha asked frantically and Steve rubbed her arm

"I finally found her" Tony said and gave the address to them, Natasha quickly read it out loud

"What are we waiting for? let's go!" Wanda quickly said, getting anxious at what will happen next, she doesn't have a good feeling, she tried to connect to you for weeks now but she just can't, it's like you just vanished

"Ok let's go" They all said and quickly got to their cars, Steve, Natasha, Wanda and Vision are in one car then Bucky, Sam, Thor, Clint and Bruce are in the other car together and well, Tony is in his sports car alone

They speed off in your location, the others are happy that they will finally find where you are but not Wanda, she truly feels something is wrong, and she can't lose you cause you're the only one who's left of her family, she see you as a sister

Once they got in the house, it was quiet, the house was silent and like it's no life, it's not lively, the plants are already dead, dried leaves are scattered around the house, it's like someone abandoned it

"Ok, let's go" Bucky said, scanning the house

They nod and go to your front door, they knock but no one's opening the door nor no sounds inside the house, they look at each other worried

"Let's just go in" Sam suggests and Steve nods since he's in the front and he opens it

They frown at the door isn't lock, they got in and the scan the house, the house is neat, no object are out of place, the house looks like your style so they know it's yours, but it have dust that confused them cause you're the person who's organized and clean, who leaves no sign of trash nor a single dust in your place

"Ok scattered around" Nat said and they nod, Nat and Wanda go up with Bucky and Vision and they divide into two so Wanda and Nat wonder at the right side

They see nothing, so the guys go up and meet Bucky and Vision so they go to Wanda and Nat, then they hear a loud thud and scream of Wanda, they quickly run to where the sound is, clearly worried, and they burst into your room

They see Natasha and Wanda are on the floor, frozen while looking up, Wanda is screaming and trying to get out of Natasha's embrace while Natasha holds Wanda tightly

The woman was both crying, while Wanda screamed, agonizing that everybody's heart broke. Once the guys saw what it was, they were shocked

Steve, Bucky, Bruce and Sam shook their heads while tears ran down to their cheeks, their eyes glued to what was in front of them, crying specially Tony, his heart wreck

"NO NO NO NOOOOOOOO!" Thor shouts and the cloud turns to dark gray and thunder are everywhere, starting a thunderstorm

They see you, see you hanging in the ceiling, blood is already dried in your body and on the floor, that night until the other day, all is in your head is what Natasha said and what she wants

You didn't refer at what the last thing she said, your asking if she truly want for you to kill yourself, so when you confirm it, you think of it over night until you hang a rope in the ceiling of your bedroom and hang yourself there but not before torturing yourself too like you did to the others

"NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Wanda screams and gives up, leaning on Natasha and crying on her arm

Natasha acts strong but deep inside her, she's so broken, she picks Wanda up and goes out of the house to their car and they cry there but Natasha tries to comfort her, cause she knows how you meant to her

While the two women crying in the car, Steve and Bucky bring your body down, then they bring you to the compound and clean you up, only a woman who's not related to you cleans you up cause Nat or Wanda can't look at you

They mourn for you that day until you're already clean. They go to you and look at you, when they see you they finally see your innocent face

Memories flashing back to their head and tears falling, all the happy memories are coming back to their head, and it breaks their heart to see you like this, that you took your own life

Once they are around you they take the white fabric covering your body and you're wearing a white sando and shorts

That's when they saw the carved words, it was all over your body, they gasped at it, Natasha's world crashed when she saw it

'Killer' 'Crazy' 'Dangerous' are carved in you, all over your body, from head to toe

The night of your fight flash back on Natasha's head, when she lashed out at you and what she said, she gasped at it and just got out there

She can't handle it all, it's so overwhelming for her, so she got on her motorbike and went to one place you both love, it was a special place cause that's where you both always spend your free time and make happy memories

She goes to the mountain where you can see the city, you both even build a little tree house there and plant flowers there

Once she got there she got to the edge and sat there, that's where you both sit, but today she sat at your side, at the right one

She sobs there, she lets her emotion out there and holds her chest at how painful it is. The memory of her telling you what you are and what you should do that night is repeating in her head like her favorite movie that she didn't get tired watching

She keeps crying there, she take all of her emotion out there, she even throw a rocks and scream at the top of her long until her body collapsed on the ground, she sob there pouring all of her emotions that she never let anyone see it and let them to know it excluding you, your the only person she can be who she is and show every part of her

Until she brings out the note you sent to her, out in her pocket then she slowly opens it with her shaky hands and reads what you wrote

She thinks that she can't cry anymore, she thinks that all of her tears are all pour out but once she read what you wrote she sobs at it and more tears come out, while clinging the note to her chest with a shattered heart

I'll always do what you wantYour wish is my commandBye. Natalia

She cries there, she cries her eyes out, her heart sting more at the use of her birth name, you never used it before, it has always been Nat, Natty, Tasha or other pet names she loves but this? This broke her heart more than before, this is the first time she cried like this, like the half of her life ripped out of her, like someone took that away from her, when you took your own life, you bring the half of Natasha with you

You're her best friend, her buddy, her partner of crime, you show her love, you're the one who make her believe that she's not just capable but she also allowed to love someone, your the one who show her that love isn't just for children, Natasha's life is full of darkness, traumas and bad thing that hunt her but when she see you, when you come to her life, your the highlight of her life

You take all her worries away, because of you, her past never hunted her, she feels like all her life are all happy, you're the most important person in the world to Natasha, she will do anything to protect you cause you saved her, you saved her in any possible way

But she failed to protect you, even worse she's the reason why you took your own life, she killed you, and now this will forever haunt her until she dies

"I'm-I'm so........sorry bub, I'm so sorry I didn't protect you!" she whispered crying

She screamed at the top of her lungs, it was so agonizing, that if anyone will heard her will break

Your death will hunt her every night, every hours, minutes and seconds, she will never forget this day

[pancake-breakfast]

CW: Suicidal Ideation, Substance Abuse, Severe Depression, Body Horror

It really seems like Volume 6 of Trigun Maximum was about a lot of people trying to cope with Vash. We have Wolfwood, who has his experience with the Fifth Moon Incident plus his knowledge of Knives stacking onto all the reminders the Dragon's Nest gave him of what Vash is. We have Meryl, who ended up getting a megadose of Vash's memories and emotions at the same event, and must reconcile them with all of her own feelings toward Vash. Heck, even Knives spends a notable amount of time mulling over how each use of Vash's angel arm has brought Vash notably closer to death.

And then we have Vash himself. The king of false smiles hiding great sorrow. I've mentioned it before, but I'll say it again: the way Vash is coping with the return of his memories of July can easily be summed up as "not well." Heck, the way Vash is coping with being Vash could be summed up the same way.

And who could really blame him? Over the last two or three volumes, he has:

Realized he was the cause of death for thousands of people, including children, friends, and colleagues

Been reminded that he doesn't really know how to control his power and a slip-up can absolutely cost way more in lives than he's willing to pay

Held the hand of a dying man while knowing that any comfort he might try to bring with his right hand is too late to undo the pain he wrought with his angel arm, listening patiently as the man spits curses at him with his dying breaths

Seen one of his (few) friends slide into depression after seeing him release his angel arm

Had one of his other friends pull a gun on him while his back was turned and steadily aim it for his head

This would be a lot for most people, but for Vash, it's even worse. Vash's ideals mean the cost of even one human life is too high for him to justify taking it. In his mind, they're all his family, bequeathed to him by Rem via her death; to destroy one of them is to dishonor her memory and the bonds that bind him to them. Vash aches both for redemption for what Knives did in causing the Great Fall and for July. He also aches for connection, but has years of practicing not having it, trying to keep distance to keep others safe from him, and to keep himself safe from the possibility of their rejection should they realize what he is and what he's capable of.

The fact that Meryl, Milly, and Wolfwood seem to understand how dangerous it is to be around him and yet continue to follow him seems to be important to him...

...so how does a being who has put over a century of time and effort into protecting people, who may be able to read minds and can definitely key in on emotions deal with this:

The answer is, of course, not well. In fact, Vash decides to go with one of the more destructive forms of coping, choosing substance abuse as if he could just numb it all away to get a moment of escape.

This is probably one of the most upsetting images of Vash we the readers have seen thus far. We're removed from the danger of his angel arm, but too many of us have watched loved ones succumb to some form of substance abuse, or perhaps found ourselves sliding down that trail. To see him so upset that he's giving this path a shot is too real, and that adds a level distress to the gut-punch of seeing him this upset and casually trying to laugh it all off.

We've seen Vash drink before, but it was always in celebration. He breaks out his goofy drinking tie (from God knows where), ties it around his forehead, and allows himself to enjoy the company he's in, if only for a while. In fact, it seems like he might even be feigning his level of drunkenness in those scenes, as more than once we see him pop right up, seemingly sober as anything, when either no eyes are on him or when he senses danger.

But Nightow makes it very clear that's not the case this time. All through the fight where we see him slurping alcohol off his hand, his movements are uncanny. Vash, who usually puts so much work into trying to pass as human, is failing to do so.

This is first hinted at when his attacker compliments his dodging, but Nightow shows it to us some pages later. Vash flows through the panels at strange angles and takes poses that just don't quite feel right.

And then... he messes up.

Senses dulled, mind not fully in the game, and he fails to dodge a shot aimed right for his head. Instinct kicks in, and his body reacts before he realizes.

We haven't seen Vash swear much thus far in the manga, but he swears here. He might have saved himself (and anyone standing behind him) by catching that bullet with a part of his angel arm. In fact, this might be the first time he's had enough awareness during its deployment to see it used for something other than destruction or threat of destruction. But that's not where his thoughts go right now. Instead, they're on the crowd around him, because this tiny display of his power has irrevocably revealed him to be something that is most definitely not human.

Now, they see him as the monster he sees himself to be. He's laid bare before them. The threat of the bounty hunter and his posse is gone, not even referenced again in the chapter. The people want him dead. And to make matters worse, his friend Meryl is having a meltdown at the sight of him.

He knew it couldn't last, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Maybe if he hadn't been drunk or if things had gone differently in the Dragon's Nest or if...

There are a hundred thousand "maybe ifs" and "if onlys," but the chance for them to change has passed. He falls back on false smiles hiding great sorrow, hoping all his emotions will just melt together into an unfeeling mud.

[rotten-debzee]

Murderer Heather AU(?)

(I wouldn't call it Heather as JD anymore since they go through different character development)

The plot of the story begins as it's supposed to be, a Veronica among Heathers and JD being a loner.

Everything seems normal until instead of falling in love with him, Veronica starts to feel disgusted by JD and the way he views the world. She just wants to push him away and act like they don't know each other, but JD didn't handle rejection that well so he keeps insisting and stalking Veronica around to supposedly 'win her back'.

The days pass, and our infamous party happens, but Veronica still hangs out with the Heathers, since this time, she goes alone to apologize to Heather, and you can say things went down well and smoothly with them after that.

Veronica wanted to feel happy now, instead, she feels observed by JD at every step, and the anxiety doesn't let her live peacefully, she always seems insecure and this doesn't goes unnoticed by Chandler of course.

Heather always had the feeling that the trench coat boy was no good, so, with the growing feelings she is developing towards Veronica, she started to be protective over her (in a way it isn't obvious yet), not letting her be in her own, so he won't dare to be near her.

Everything seems to get better, but some day, everything just went downhill when JD takes Veronica into the woods, wanting to push himself into her without her consent. She keeps trying to fight him back but he's stronger.

Heather saw him taking her away, so she followed them, watching the events happen from a distance at first, but she couldn't just stay there without doing anything, her Veronica is in danger.

So she runs towards them, not knowing what to do until she reaches out the gun JD had in his coat, not knowing that this time around, the gun was filled with real bullets.

She didn't even checked, since she just wanted to stop him at all cost, so without a single doubt in her body, she shoot him, first bullet at his head, second bullet at his chest.

Heather takes Veronica closer to her, gentle and protective, finally free from that guy. But after they finally come back to senses, both the girls stay in shock for a while, staring how the dead body of JD remains bleeding on the grass.

"What should we do now?"

Their plan is risky, almost cruel, but having no other choice and being blinded by fear, the decide to make his murder seem like a suicide, wanting to protect themselves, knowing that nobody actually will care if the loner boy died at the end of the day.

As time passes, Heather grows from protective to possesive, she doesn't want anybody near her Veronica, not even the other Heathers, she doesn't want more people threaten the safety of her beloved one.

She would gladly lock her in her room if only she had a way to do it.

The mean demeanor and aggressiveness of Heather also grows like scorching fire, if someone wasn't afraid of her before, they definitely are now.

And not only that is growing inside her, as she keeps thinking, maquinating.

After doing her first kill, the idea of getting rid of people who bothers her starts to sound appealing to Heather, and seeing how easy she can get off the hook, she suddenly had the urge to give in her temptations and go for another shot.

And days later, the perfect trigger was pulled when she found out about how close Kurt Kelly and Ram Sweeney were from hurting her Veronica.

So, she decides to start hunting down the jocks. After she brought a gun by her own, she attract the boys to her, and everything happens just as she planned, and this time, Heather doesn't meddle Veronica in between.

The school is noticed about the two boys 'suicide' not so long after, nobody getting sad for that. Except for Veronica, who eventually founds out the real reason of the jocks deaths.

Getting enough courage to do so, she confronts Heather about it.

Her manners are becoming clumsy, her perfect facade is starting to feel messy.

Heather seems completely out of her mind for some reason.

And Veronica just want her to snap out of whatever she is going through right now.

They argued loudly in Heather's room.

They scream.

They cry.

Until Veronica finally snaps, "you're becoming just like him!"

Heather, clearly seems affected by Veronica's statement, remembering how awful human being 'he' was. And of course she didn't wanted to be like that, sure, she is aware that she has never been a good person herself, but oh lord, from all the people she can be compared with she doesn't wanted to be related to that crazy psychopath.

"I'm... scared of you..."

Specially not when that is coming from Veronica's lips.

"And I swear to god, Heather, if you start to act like he did, I don't want you near me anymore"

Heather is left alone in her house, hurted and doubtful, thinking about her past decisions and her future.

When did she became like him to begin with? She just wanted to protect Veronica from the people who hurt her, but now, even Veronica is scared of Heather hurting her.

That it's not how it was supposed to be.

She was supposed to be the good one in Veronica's story, not the other way around.

And the worst part is that she isn't even sorry for what she have done, she even was starting plans to kill the other heathers for causing Veronica to go where the jocks were that time.

She wasn't regretful, because they just received what they deserved. Right?

They both are down and hurted, missing each other and hoping that things haven't ended up the way the ended.

Until a few days later, Heather approach Veronica in her house, wanting to make things better.

But not being good with words as she has never been a person who apologies, she prefers to let her actions talk for her.

Holding Veronica closer, Heather remains helpless, for the first time, vulnerable, as she kneels before her.

"Should I also receive what I deserve for killing them, Ronnie? If that is what you want, should I die too as my punishment for trying to be god?"

Heather decided to willingly gives up her life, handing Veronica her gun, ready to get punished with it if that's what the other girl wants for her.

And of course, Veronica is taken aback, horrified at the implications, she doesn't wants Heather to die, let alone kill her, she doesn't want anybody to die.

She only wanted to stop being afraid, she just wanted to cherish Heather, the only person she cares about the most, she wanted to live her seventeen as a normal kid.

Dropping the gun at the floor, that's exactly what she answers. Kneeling in front of Heather to be at the same level as her, taking her hands on her own.

Veronica just wanted Heather to stay by her side.

And if Heather also wants Veronica by her side, why not just do that?

"We can't change the past, and we don't know the future, so why not... stay in the present, just you and me? If you are willing, let's be better... Together..."

Heather doesn't feel like she deserves a happy ending.

"It's not too late for me, Ronnie?"

But Veronica doesn't seems to agree with her.

"It's not if you say yes..."

Heather gave her goddess the choice to take her life in exchange for her sins, and her goddess has given her mercy, a second change to fix the broken, and live not only for her, but with her.

She can't disappoint her, she won't disappoint her.

Mistakes have been made, and shattered she begun to be, but, she is not broken yet.

Her fate may not be falling apart after all.

And she shall spend all her life proving that as a fact to her goddess.

"I will. I chose to be by your side... Always..."

.

.

.

The end?

[seeminglyseph]

I feel like I’ve been my sister’s keeper, my father’s keeper and my mother’s keeper for most of my life

And at the same time been told over and over again that I’m basically incompetent and incapable of keeping myself and that my base personality is repulsive and will just drive people away from me if I’m too much myself around them. That it’s too much to hope for someone to be there for me, so I have to be prepared to keep myself in every situation, and my inability to be prepared for any and all situations is proof I am not capable of independent living, of my immaturity.

My resistance to taking orders without question is immaturity. My difficulties regulating my emotions in times of great stress is signs of immaturity. My facing different kinds of stresses are signs of immaturity. My having emotional needs are a sign of immaturity. My disabilities are a sign of immaturity.

I should surrender my freedoms as a result of imperfect independence. If I need help due to disability, I must agree to surrender control of my care process because of the effort it costs to help me. My mom would argue claims that it was my body and I could eat or exercise or drink or whatever as I saw fit with claims at first that “well I have to look at it” and then “but I have to take you to the doctors and help you with all this medical stuff”

Now that I have some distance from The Year of Vom I understand some of it definitely came from the overwhelming anxiety and trauma surrounding a) the extremely abusive relationships I was in, and b) the extremely controlling relationship with food I had reaching another breaking point as my mom also hit a point where she had her own insecurities I just. Wasn’t able to tackle because like. There’s only so much you can be responsible for healing when you are actively being harmed.

Like, anecdote from the period; I know my mom is feeling insecure about her own cooking, however I am focal point right now and in this moment she has made me sit at the table and eat her meal. Family meals are important no matter how uncomfortable they make you, no doctor has found a source of your illness. All you need is good food. I’ve eaten a few bites of the plate she prepared, but not very much. I just can’t manage it and I’m starting to feel ill, but I’m still sitting for the conversation. She walks by and nudges me, chiding “honestly, can’t you even just take one more bite?”

I do so as instructed but in front of their eyes my body rejects it, and the whole dinner comes back up. My mom says something like “if it was going to make you sick you could have said something.” I mumble that it just happened. My dad, alive still at the time, confirms that he watched it come over me spontaneously.

I’ve come to realize a bit that part of it was about control. My mind was so desperate for control that the stress response was to vomit. Though I suspect also I had migraines that I’m still working to get fully addressed, it might be tied to the POTS that many people suspect I have but I think I’ve not gone to doctors who take me seriously enough. I know that sounds like… something someone with hypochondria might say, but I feel… something else. I think if I could get the right support and right medical team I might have better answers.

I don’t know what I really need to do right now… but. I mean… idk. I was talking with my therapist yesterday, and some friends online. And I think… I’ve been gaslit pretty hard into believing I don’t have needs, only wants. And as such, I’m extremely selfish? If that makes sense? And as such, like, I like. Even have trouble touching base with my emotions because they express a need. And that’s like. Scary, and shameful. I guess. And I’ve adapted to try and logic my way out of it and undermine it. I’m therapy saying like “I guess I’m frustrated by it.” When it’s apparently clear that it’s a much deeper and more serious issue than frustration.

For all my talk about how important and meaningful anger is, I’m still deeply out of touch with my own. But I still think it’s so… necessary. For all it can consume and destroy people, it can keep other people alive.

Idk what the point of this is besides… maybe unpacking yesterday’s therapy and today’s tension? I feel sick and sore today, though part of that’s also the weather.

[katcadecascade]

If you believe the lies I tell (Snowjanus fic Chapter Eight)

Ao3

Tumblr Chapter Index

Chapter Eight: Trust

Word Count: 2,968

With Clemensia carrying half his weight, they manage to get out of the school. She flags down one of the remaining chauffeurs and they practically dive into the back seat. They shout out the Corso address and the engine gets the car going. 

No more audience, it’s just them. Spearmint clashes against lavenders in such a tight space. Clemensia lets a hand go to at least open a window. It’s claustrophobic here, Coriolanus slides away to his side of the car, trying to catch his breath. 

Clemensia states bluntly, “You’re in heat.”

Coriolanus loses his usual grace. 

“I know!”

“Have you ever-“

“No!” He grips his hair, “I have never had a heat before!”

“Yeah, I can tell from how you’re freaking out!”

“Of course I’m freaking out!”

She reaches over, this time not for scenting but to check the temperature from his forehead. He knows he is warm, the problem is that Coriolanus has no idea if any of this is natural. Coriolanus has learned the basic textbook knowledge and the little his family has talked about, but that’s theory. Heats are a hypothetical that he refused to apply to himself until this very moment. 

“This isn’t something to panic over, Coriolanus.”

“Oh like you would know,” he snaps.

He doesn’t mean to lash out, it’s mainly his paranoia of the unknown that is frustrating him. Thankfully, Clemensia doesn’t appear too offended. 

“Hey it could be worse, you could’ve gone into a mating frenzy or baby fever for Sejanus.”

Now that has Coriolanus yelling out, “Fuck no!”

Intention, something like that can only happen if mating or wanting a child was at the forefront of his mind. The need for shelter and comfort is the typical purpose of heats. Coriolanus is so damn relieved that nothing that extreme was ever in mind regarding Sejanus Plinth. 

He still hates that his emotions latched onto the alpha. Even before the heat, Coriolanus knows that some part of him is stuck onto Sejanus but also Clemensia. 

Her presence is immensely important to his senses. This ever-growing flame continues to ignite his body, to seek her aid and comfort but Coriolanus is a stubborn fool.   

“I helped Lysie with her heats, I know how to help you too. Especially if you don’t have a nest prepared.”

“Oh no.”

Coriolanus knows how horribly unprepared he is. Not only about the mental and emotional tax of it all but the state of his house, his bedroom. It’s not a protective or possessive urge to keep his territory away from an outsider's eyes, it’s dread and shame. 

“Coriolanus?”

“No, you can’t.” His scent is all wrong, too sharp and overwhelming. A heat intensifies it all, weaponizing his anxiety to break out of his perfect mask. “No no no-”

“Hey, hey, calm down, it’s alright.” Clemensia pries one of his hands away from his disheveled hair. Smiling and linking their fingers together, she assures, “You still have time to build a nest before you’re in the thick of it. It’ll be alright.” 

She believes she’s saying the right words, and she is. It’s just that Coriolanus is the variable that makes everything wrong. 

“You can’t, Clemensia.” It’s a contrasting beg that can only be spilled by his lips, “I can’t let you help me.”

“What? No, Coriolanus, you shouldn’t spend your heat by yourself. It’s your first one, I won’t let you feel like you’re alone.”

“Clemensia,” the words are rough in his throat, declaring, “I’d rather be alone than let anyone in my home.”

Her concerned eyes look into his glaring, angry scowl. Coriolanus has always rejected her kindness, yet treated her as his friend. There was a tolerance, a barrier between his life at school and his home. Coriolanus continues to enforce that separation, even at the cost of Clemensia’s feelings. 

There’s something clicking behind her eyes. Clemensia is the smartest person Coriolanus knows. He hoped that she never analyzed him but she’s doing it now. 

Whatever conclusion she thought of has her surrendering, “...okay.”

On the logical side of things, everything is good. They’re enroute to the Snow’s penthouse, away from prying eyes and confusing scents. There may be enough time to swallow down scent blockers to aid his body, that is if the heat does not burn through the medications immediately. Also he could tamper down any nesting habits simply but not having any materials in the first place. 

Never before has Coriolanus been so happy at the thought of returning to his dilapidated home. 

The staircase leading up to the penthouse mocks him. 

“At least let me help you up.” 

Clemensia’s looking at the old double doors of a luxury he doesn’t have.  

“The elevator is broken.”

A weight of dread falls in his stomach as he watches the briefest expression of confusion to analyze to acceptance. 

“Alright, stairs it is.” 

They walk the twelve flights of stairs in silence, passing by abandoned rooms and decaying wallpaper. 

His home is a weakness, evidence of how the grand Snow name is falling. The worse case scenario was all of it getting exposed, of wolves and lions pouncing. 

Yet Clemensia keeps any comment to herself, reshaping the anxiety into a snake in the grass. 

When they’re at his door, Clemensia asks, “You have everything you need?”

“Yes,” he lied. 

From her frown alone, it’s clear that she knows he’s lying. 

Coriolanus wonders how many times Clemensia knows that he has lied straight to her face. 

Coriolanus slips past the door as fast as he could but he knows that Clemensia Dovecote has seen more than anyone else in the whole Captiol.

He thinks she said his name again behind the closed door. It could be his heart reaching for her, for more than he could ask for. 

His sweltering body lumbers to the kitchen cabinets. Without anyone, this needy ache demands to be soothed by the presence of those he trusts. Coriolanus knows that’s a fever dream. In practiced motions, Coriolanus reaches for the pill bottle and swallows down a bunch of scent blockers. 

Arachne’s bizarre claim of taking blockers like a hard drug is obtuse. Yes any medicine can be abused if someone tried hard enough but that’s just it. It’s an innate need for scents, no amount of blockers will make a person want to live in a scentless world. 

As less complicated as that world seems, it doesn’t tempt Coriolanus. He does see the good side of scenting.

Just maybe not in the throes of a heat he never thought to have. So Coriolaus tries to stall it with the pills. 

It’s only temporary, it won’t be enough. Coriolanus can tell from this heat still humming through his body. His scent is significantly less intense but it continues to fill the room. 

There’s still one major problem with this heat. It will consume his body of energy, a body that has not eaten a full meal in days. His bones are weighty, something his malnourished body cannot carry. 

He doesn’t have any food to survive this.

This is what he meant about heats being a waste of time and energy.

If Coriolanus doesn’t have enough energy or satisfy his nesting habits, he could potentially get fever heated. 

A true fever combined with heartache, all their stories told as tragedies. How poetic it is for this to be Coriolanus’ fate. 

“Coryo?” Grandma’am steps out of her room, steps light on the cold floor as she draws near. “What’s going on? You should be in school.”

Coriolanus gives an abbreviated summary of events on how his life was ruined in the mere moments before class began. A laugh almost slips at how pathetically fast it all fell apart. 

He expects her face to be shaped by horror or maybe disappointment, anything to match the uncomfortable feeling growing in his own skin. 

Instead she pats him on the back, rubbing big circles as she embraces him into a hug. 

“Oh, my boy, I didn’t prepare you for this did I?”

“Why would you?” Coriolanus shakes his head. “I don’t need any of this. I shouldn’t have entered a heat in the first place.”

“But you did, no changing that now. Come, walk me back to my room.” 

As her obedient grandson, he does. 

Grandma’am’s room is nearly as minimalistic as his except for a few framed photos, a songbook, and her clothes. It once overflowed the closet but now it barely takes up half of it. 

Her exquisite taste in gowns and overcoats had cost Grandma’am a lot of her most cherished memories but sold them nonetheless. Yet there were things that were deemed too precious to sell off. 

She gestures for him to grab something under her bed. Coriolanus tugs out a small, tightly wrapped bag. At Grandma’am insisting nod, he opens it. 

The air is knocked out of his chest when the scent of roses enters the dusty, cold air. 

Coriolanus whispers, “What is this?” 

“It’s your mother’s. Blankets she used for her nests back when… back when she needed them.”

It was preserved as best as it could be, wrapped with plastic. A total of three, all faintly emitting the scent of roses. The rose powder in the compact mirror is an artificial cosmetic, something that would add onto her scent. This precious cloth in her son’s trembling hands, it truly is her last remnant. 

There’s one blanket much, much smaller than the rest.

A baby blanket.

His baby blanket. 

Coriolanus cannot fathom how tiny he once was. How that small creature began to shape and be shaped by the world. There was no urge to control or perform, back then it was all about simply being in the space provided.

A sick feeling enters his stomach at the realization that this baby blanket would’ve been passed to his younger sibling.

Helena Snow and her stillborn daughter never got that chance. 

Their passing was truly the start of this family’s ruin. 

Wordlessly, Coriolanus gathers it into his arms. He doesn’t care that his scent flares out, burning through the blockers he had swallowed down. What matters is saving every piece of his scattered heart for a heat that he has never allowed before. 

“Your mother rejected every scent of your father. She only needed you.” 

“But why do I-” He bites his tongue before he could finish that question. Coriolanus holds the blankets close. “Thank you Grandma’am.” 

Whatever look he has on his face, it doesn’t convince his grandmother. Aside from Tigris, this woman also raised him. If Tigris encouraged kindness, Grandma’am encouraged gaining power. 

“Coryo, you can control every aspect of your life, of your body.” It’s the reassurement that he desperately needed, that this is within his control. But then she adds, “A heat amplifies what’s already inside.” 

His grandmother hands over one of her pillows. Scenting fades with age but it’s still there, the scent of honeysuckles. 

Coriolanus accepts it but argues, “Am I supposed to trust them? They were people I had to deceive, to make them believe I’m as powerful and wealthy as the rest. I never once trusted anyone I could call a friend.” He gestures to the decaying walls around, “Look at our home Grandma’am. It’s so pitifully easy to ruin me, to destroy us!” 

It’s rare for him to be angry with his Grandma’am. Manner’s aside, he doesn’t want to yell at her but it highlights his desperation. The true fear of having a weakness is being unable to protect it. 

Grandma’am has all the wisdom in the world to know that her grandson is hurting and scared. 

“I of all people know what betrayal feels like.” A haunted look tugs on her wrinkles, briefly lost in a memory. Her eyes return to his, the sadness remains, “I’ve taught you to expect it at every corner of the world. I’m sorry, Coryo. I gave you dreams of total control.” She quickly assures,  “And that is still possible. You just need to trust your instincts when faced against the unknown.” 

As nice as a prose that is, Coriolanus knows what his instincts demand.

It’s something he struggles to ask for. 

“I can’t accept their help. It would mean that… It would mean too many things about me.”

A vulnerable side of Coriolanus Snow was revealed today. Even before the heat hit, Coriolanus gave his scent to Clemensia. It soothed a part of him and later on, Sejanus was an emotional anchor. 

All of this means that Coriolanus is capable of trusting others. 

It could be so easy to just accept that as fact. 

But survival is worth more than truth. 

This calculating impulse kicks in when Grandma’am says offhandedly, “I’ll call Tigris.”

“No, don’t take her away from work.” She needs her job and any money that can come from it. An assistant’s paycheck rather than Tigris selling off her scent. “That’s more important.”

Grandma’am frowns, tucking a lock of hair behind his ear. “Nothing's more important than you.”

Coriolanus leans away, hoping his authority doesn’t sound like pleading, “Don’t call her. I’ll get something from her closet.”

Before he leaves her bedroom, Grandma’am imparts more words of wisdom.

“Heats clarify who you trust.” 

It’s a revelation that he doesn’t want to have. Yet once his consciousness learns it, it stays rooted in his skull. It flows into muscles as he grabs Tigris’ handmade, comfy robe and marches into his room. 

Coriolanus feels stupid doing all of this. Building a nest on his small bed. It’s so thin, nothing as lavish as what Arachne would brag about. She made a show of receiving tokens from her friends. 

All Coriolanus has are a few blankets and two pillows. He has the urge to tear it all apart but he could never do that to his family’s gifts. 

He tugs his uniform off, sweat uncomfortably clinging to the buttoned shirt. The thought of adding it to his nest never crosses his mind. Coriolanus does not seek comfort in his own scent. Donning a fraying sweater and loose pants, he feels more unnatural in his own body than ever before. 

Coriolanus knows how pale he is but one glance in his mother’s compact mirror reveals he looks as bad as he feels. 

Sweaty, too warm, a gut wrenching loneliness that is eating his stomach. The air is cold, smells like a pine forest in the dead of winter. Spearmint has always reminded Coriolanus of a blizzard. Polar opposite, not just the scent and the fever but also his needs and wants. 

Coriolanus has always relied on his fears, more accurately his assumptions that everyone in his life will go against his wishes. It stemmed from his need for control, to maintain the glamor that fools others. His need to be the top student, to claim the wealth his family so desperately needs. 

As for what he wants? 

Wants are another reason to have fears. 

It may be alarming how fast his brain connects those two things, believing it two sides of the same coin. Yet this is the paranoia that Coriolanus lives with. The most well fed thing in Coriolanus’ world. 

There’s a knock at the door.

It’s not Tigris, is his first thought. 

Coriolanus’ fears are confirmed when he opens the door to see a determined Clemensia Dovecote and a nervous Sejanus Plinth. 

His voice is dead flat, “Why?” 

“You know why,” she answers. 

Coriolanus almost forgets that the scent blockers are entirely out of his system because he can’t smell lavenders or nutmeg. They’re both containing their scents, letting only their words and pathetic frowns influence him. 

It won’t work, is what he believes. 

He glares at them, refusing to be trapped. 

All he needs to do is shut the door. That’s all it takes and they will give up on him. 

There are so many chances where Clemensia could stop reaching out to him. Sejanus alone has plenty of reasons to despise them all, Coriolanus’ constant brittle nature would give anyone whiplash. 

Yet they left school, climbed the creaking staircase, and are at his doorstep. 

It could be in their nature to want to help, a need to feel helpful. 

“I said I won’t let you spend your heat alone.”

Coriolanus points accusingly, “So you brought him?”

“Yes!” There’s anger in that exclamation, surprising Coriolanus. Clemensia glares at the boys, “I don’t know what’s going on between you two but I won’t let you get a fever heated.”

There’s a lie on the tip of his tongue, Coriolanus’s not sure what the words are but it’s definitely a denial. It dies when he meets Sejanus’ gaze. 

Just like back when it was them alone in the classroom, Coriolanus feels seen. Sejanus knows Coriolanus, not just the little insight of his starvation for food but his cravings for victory. The alpha proudly encouraged Coriolanus to be at the top. 

Yet this time it’s obvious that Sejanus doesn’t like what he sees. 

This brings a dreadful burn in Coriolanus’ gut. 

“Please,” Sejanus begs. “You don’t look well, Coriolanus.” 

Any fight response inside of Coriolanus continues to diminish in the warmth of those brown eyes. 

“I… I don’t know what I’m doing.” The words are croaked out, more broken than soft. It’s his voice but Coriolanus barely believes it. “I don’t know anything about this.”

Sejanus pleads again, “Then let us help.” 

Maybe life would be easier if Coriolanus made them give up on him, to leave him alone. 

Yet that’s just it, Coriolanus has always isolated himself from his peers. He knows what loneliness is, how starved he is of things that cannot be eaten.

Clemensia and Sejanus have fed him time, conversations that felt real, and the chance to stop acting like everything in his life is perfect. 

Coriolanus Snow lets them in.

-

Thanks for reading!

[actualaster]

Hm, so, some thoughts on The Ending (still partially processing)

Obviously massive endgame spoilers below for Scarlet.

I kind of figured pretty quick that we were dealing with a non-legitimate entity rather than the professor, but I was thinking maybe they were recordings and the time machine thing was involved--using the time machine to know who would show up and make the recordings accordingly or something. (Yes that theory has holes, look I'm running on very little sleep over the last several days and I only beat the game about 7am after being awake... Fuck, like, 20 hours okay give me some slack on the lack of brain processing power lol)

Was wondering if maybe she'd sent herself to the past and was somehow able to observe or communicate to a degree with the time machine but unable to send her physical body back to the present or something, as well.

I was kind of, for a second there, like "...dude holy shit is that a corpse or something? that's too dark for pokemon right? wait, no, i mean they absolutely had pokemon getting sentenced to execution via being torn apart in one of the PMD games..." and was very much relieved to find out it was a robot XD

Not surprised to find out the professor was dead, but was interesting to find out how long she'd been dead and when she had died. Definitely feel real bad for Arven, though--like suddenly all the neglect he went through makes sense, but on top of that he gets confirmation that his mom is very much gone and that's just.

Somebody get that kid some therapy, he's gonna need years of it to process all that, I think.

Also very interesting how the AI did, in the end, deviate somewhat from the original Sada and her goals. I wonder if the original Sada would have changed her views had she survived? Is that why the AI eventually decided there wasn't any good logic in striving endlessly for that goal once it was made clear it was destructive...? Had the original Sada survived, would she have modified the defensive systems to account for such a view? Or would she have persisted in trying to force her dream to come true without adaptation?

Since she died and all, she obviously never had the chance to change her mind and the programming would obviously never have been properly updated to stop trying to force that dream through at all costs.

I was also definitely worried for a moment there the AI would self-destruct. It wouldn't be the first time a character has willingly done something that ensured their own end for the greater good in a Pokemon game after all. Gotta wonder, though, how well that damaged body of hers held up on the transit to the past--did she survive the transit? How long was she able to keep functioning? ...Does she still exist somewhere, waiting for somebody to unearth her--or her remains, at least?

Now there's an interesting line of thought--an excavation of fossils, and finding (the remains of) a robot modeled after a contemporary figure or something. Probably gonna be chasing that line of thought for a little bit, that's an interesting one to play with.

Anyway Arven should go home with the MC and get adopted by their mom so that they're siblings now, IMO. I have decided that is my headcanon and I'm sticking to it. If anything in the post-game contradicts this no it won't because I will reject it. :p

Overall, the game had a lot of flaws (most of them technical, to be honest), but it was a very fun game so far and I definitely plan to run through the post-game shortly. I enjoyed the various storylines quite a bit, honestly--and at least cautiously looking forwards to the (highly) probable upcoming DLC.

Hoping that they can take things that worked well both here and PLA and incorporate them together in future games. (Some of how PLA handled the box sorting system I preferred, for example). Also that they can be given enough time to figure out what to do to remove the horrendous lag and weird shit like "there are so many fucking pokemon Inside The Walls Of Everything" lmao. Technical issues and stuff mean the game should definitely have been delayed until mid- 2023 at the earliest (though I get several possible reasons why they didn't--but my getting them does not mean I agree with them.)

[eavanyhuang]

Relational Responsibility 1

Dec. 12, 2023, conversation with K

Step back from familiar patterns of relationship-building and problem-solving that you have been socialized into, in order to tap into already viable but still unimaginable possibilities. To what extent are you aware of your own compulsions and unhealthy reality-coping mechanisms? How do you justify the continuity of these patterns to yourself?

Y: the deep mistrust and disillusionment with female friendships, not just based on my personal experiences of bullying growing up but also the structural conditioning of female relationality that relegates women within familial relationality. This reminded me of the sad fact that I only learned my maternal grandma’s name long after her passing, as village women of her age in our area were mostly referred to as someone’s daughter, wife, or mom. I do want to capture the possibilities in existing female/femme friendships I have and resist the trauma-response of self-sabotaging in whatever capacity I have. I dream a world in which strong and nurturing female friendship is possible, without toxic inauthenticity, co-dependency, and homo sociality.

Step forward/aside with self-reflexivity to observe where you are coming from and how what you are doing is being interpreted by and affecting those around you. How would you approach the problem differently if other beings (e.g. rivers, coral reefs, mountains) had legal personhood and you could be liable for negligence, injury and ecocide?

Y: most of our layered bodies are deeply asleep. Trying to respond to this prompt feels like you know parts of your bodies restore that ancestral knowledge and memories of that deep relationship with land, rivers, and mountains, but it just wouldn’t wake up to consciousness. As much as I want to, I don’t know how far back I have to trace to awaken the indigeneity in my ancestry. Han as a racial-colonial construct long preceded modernity and was only accelerated and magnified by the latter. I dream of a world where my She ancestors would come back to me with their offerings, to remind me of things that I erase from my body. Modernity and its unimaginable and unintelligible harms, along with the myth of pre-modern barbarism, I dream of both being buried in this land as compost. I dream that out of the poop grows something new.

Let go of “the ruler”, the desire for feeling right and righteous that gives you a false sense of certainty and self-importance and prevents you from decentering yourself and being present. Who/what are you accountable to and how come? What accountabilities are you denying, rejecting and/or neglecting? What are you indifferent to?

Y: the mirroring impulses of K’s and mine is pedagogical. The caretaker in him positions himself as the one who builds community by making most of the efforts to keep the friend group afloat and provide basic needs for everyone in the group. The crusader in me wants to burn down the master’s house instantly by burning myself down and pushing everyone else around me to go down this path. We think we are both super accountable in these chosen routes, by aligning our actions with our alleged values. In a sense we are, but the line between accountability and self-importance is super blurry and thin. Sometimes, just like lots of parents, you form a modern-colonial relationship with the people or cause you care about. You want it to affirm and validate you. You want it to reflect your self-image positively, coherently, and consistently. In particular, it is modern-colonial, in the form of volitional project carried out by a Subject of Reason, because it always exists at the cost of others. It becomes an excuse of your lack of accountability for other people, things, and causes, as they become the necessary sacrifices while you devote all your energy and time to one thing.

Below are the images that came to my mind with these three prompts: Portrait of A Lady on Fire regarding (white) female sociality; coral personhood and the Coral Restoration Foundation’s projects; Joker the protagonist from Persona 5 regarding “self-importance”

[phantobats]

Going to try my hand at this with the three Batfamily members i love analyzing the most: Bruce, Dick, and Cassandra!

As a clarification, I will assign each of them one philosophical and political current that I think shines through their character the most, however, I am in no way implying that they are defined by only those philosophical/political currents. Characters, like humans, are complex and never adhere to one ideal, motive, or moral code. Enjoy!

1. Cassandra Cain - Existentialism and Pacifism

Existentialism

Cassandra Cain’s upbringing was one of extreme brutality. Raised by David Cain to be the ultimate assassin, Cassandra never learned to communicate through speech. Instead, her body language and combat skills were her first "language." Her early life was defined by violence and control, devoid of free will. The fact that she was trained from birth to be a killer, yet eventually rejects that path, places her at the heart of existential thought. Key existential philosophers like Jean-Paul Sartre emphasize that humans are "condemned to be free"—they must create their own essence through choices and actions. Cassandra, through an act of rebellion against her father and her programming, embodies this very idea.

Her journey is marked by a struggle to define herself outside of the predetermined role of a killer. She doesn't start out with a clear sense of morality but develops it over time by making conscious choices. This mirrors existentialist themes of creating meaning in a seemingly indifferent or chaotic world. In choosing to protect life rather than take it, she affirms her existence and freedom. Her rejection of the violence she was raised to commit is not just a moral stance, but an existential one—she is constantly grappling with who she is and who she wants to be.

Pacifism

Cassandra's unique relationship with violence also sets her apart from many other members of the Batfamily. Despite her lethal training, Cassandra shows a strong reluctance to kill. Her deep understanding of physical combat gives her an awareness of the cost of violence—she literally "reads" it in others' body movements. Her pacifism is not simply a rejection of killing but a philosophical stance that values life at a profound level.

Cassandra's preference for non-lethal solutions and her struggles with guilt over the few times she has killed underscore her inner turmoil. She sees every fight as a last resort and attempts to avoid inflicting harm wherever possible, reflecting a pacifist ideology that is based more on personal ethics and emotional scars than on any abstract principle.

2. Bruce Wayne – Utilitarianism and Stoicism

Utilitarianism

At his core, Bruce Wayne’s mission as Batman is to reduce crime and suffering in Gotham. His personal philosophy can be framed in utilitarian terms, which suggests that the right action is the one that produces the greatest good for the greatest number. Batman operates with the mindset that if he can save even one life by preventing crime, all his sacrifices and pain are justified. He shoulders the burden of protecting Gotham alone because he believes he can achieve this goal, even if it requires immense personal suffering.

However, Bruce’s adherence to utilitarian principles has limits. His refusal to kill, particularly in cases like the Joker’s, highlights a tension between his utilitarian desire to save as many lives as possible and his personal moral code. This moral code—one that forbids killing—is non-negotiable, suggesting that Batman's utilitarianism is bounded by a strong deontological ethic (the belief that some actions are inherently right or wrong, regardless of their consequences). His decision not to kill shows that while he is a pragmatist, he is also an idealist who believes in certain inviolable rules.

Stoicism

Bruce Wayne is also deeply Stoic in his approach to life and justice. Stoicism, particularly as developed by philosophers like Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius, emphasizes emotional self-control, endurance of pain, and acting in accordance with reason. Batman’s entire existence can be seen as a model of Stoic endurance—he has suffered immense personal loss (his parents' murder) but does not allow that pain to dictate his actions. Instead, he focuses on his duty to Gotham, suppressing his own desires and emotions in favor of rational action.

Bruce’s emotional restraint is both a strength and a weakness. It allows him to carry out his mission with unrelenting focus, but it also alienates him from those around him. He views his pain as something to be endured in silence and never lets himself be consumed by fear, rage, or grief—emotions that could cloud his judgment or compromise his mission. This detachment and self-discipline are classic Stoic traits, and they manifest in his lone-wolf approach to crime-fighting. He believes in controlling what he can (his actions) and accepting what he cannot (the existence of evil).

3. Dick Grayson – Humanism and Democratic Ideals

Humanism

Unlike Bruce, who embodies cold calculation and emotional restraint, Dick Grayson is more aligned with humanism, a worldview that places importance on human dignity, empathy, and the potential for growth. Raised by Batman after the murder of his own parents, Dick was shaped by Bruce’s sense of justice but developed a more optimistic and emotionally connected approach. He believes in people, in their capacity to change and be better, and in the importance of relationships in achieving a just society.

Humanism in Dick’s case means not only that he values others but also that he seeks to empower them. As the leader of teams like the Teen Titans and later the Outsiders, he constantly seeks to uplift those around him. His ability to trust others and work collaboratively contrasts sharply with Bruce’s isolationism. Where Batman sees himself as the sole protector of Gotham, Nightwing believes in collective action and the potential of shared responsibility, a hallmark of humanist thought.

Democratic Ideals

Dick Grayson's leadership is often marked by a belief in democratic principles—he emphasizes teamwork, consensus, and equality. While Bruce operates as a solitary authority figure, making decisions unilaterally, Dick believes in including others in the decision-making process. This reflects a democratic ethos, where power and responsibility are shared rather than concentrated in the hands of one person.

His leadership of the Titans is an excellent example of this democratic style. Unlike Batman’s paternalistic approach, Nightwing’s leadership is more about building consensus and encouraging his team to reach their full potential. He doesn't just dictate orders but seeks input from his peers, recognizing that they all have valuable contributions to make. This stands in contrast to Bruce’s often authoritarian control over his operations, even though both have the same goal of fighting crime.

if you're a batman fan and a philosophy enthusiast, i have a question for you: what philosophical or political currents can be said that various members of the batfamily follow?

share your thoughts in reblogs, i'd love to hear them :)

[percurrere]

@thexharvester from {x}

Audrey would take a few moments to collect her thoughts and force her implant to form the words she wanted, some static lurking beneath it. 

[I was scrounging. Found raw eridium. Didn’t know until I triped into a pit with the vein.] Her free hand made it’s best attempt to stay steady while pulling up her pant leg to show where she landed on her shin and knee. Large burn marks of exactly where the mineral had made contact with her skin and just around the edges of the damage showed the vibrant purple attempting to spread. 

[It hurt, but I think I partially absorbed it. Feeling like if I went back to camp I might have lost control.] 

[cafedanslanuit]

♡   —   pairing: kazutora x reader

♡   —   summary: after a long day at work, you want nothing but to spend a calm night with your boyfriend. however, you have no idea this is the night were all his demons finally get the best of him.

♡   —   tags/warnings: female reader, angst, breakups, hurt feelings everywhere, mention on mental illnesses and nightmares, based on ben platt’s song ‘carefully’, mention of tora’s job in one of the future timelines.

♡   —   a/n: i enjoyed writing kazutora so. damn. much. also, i’m quite proud of this one and the small details i added~ thank you @ofoceansandtombstones​​ for being my lovely beta <3

♡   —  masterlist

And all this time you've had a gentle way of holding me

So could you please release me that way too?

— “carefully” by Ben Platt

“It’s open, come in!”

The first thing Kazutora sees when he opens the door of your apartment is you, kneeling on the kitchen floor and picking up pieces of a broken baking dish. Red sauce has splattered everywhere and his mind betrays him for a second, imagining an accident far worse than what has truly happened. He blinks twice and starts to notice the small details that finally slow down the fast beating of his heart. There are pieces of chicken breasts next to the open oven door and what he thinks are sliced carrots next to your right knee.

You hiss when you pick up a piece of the shattered glass, the sharp end pinching your finger. Kazutora comes back to his senses, widening his eyes as he realizes he’s just been standing there.

“Hey, let me. You’ll cut yourself,” he warns, walking up to you. Grabbing both your hands, he eases you into your feet and then guides you to the living room. “I’ll take care of it,” he promises as he goes back to the kitchen and starts cleaning up the mess.

You let yourself fall on the sofa with a loud thud and let out an exasperated sigh.

“I just had the most awful day,” you whine, taking off your apron and leaving it on the arm of the sofa.  “Work was hell, I got scolded by something that I didn’t do— like always, only this time my boss was all like: ‘You gotta be more careful, we wouldn’t want to lose such a valuable employee’. Like he was going to fire me over someone else’s mistake?!”

Your voice is getting louder by the minute and you take advantage of the fact Kazutora is in another room to keep the volume. You have been waiting the entire day to see him and vent about what a trainwreck you day had been. Just as always, he listens intently, the only noise coming from the kitchen being a soft scraping sound as he picks up everything and throws it to the trash. 

“Then, I went to the store and of course they had run out of basil. Tell me, how does a store that big run out of basil?” you ask. There’s no answer from the kitchen so you continue. “I mean, yeah, I could have gone to another store but my feet were killing me. I’m just not meant to work in heels the entire day,” you sigh tiredly, swinging your feet.

You reposition yourself, now sitting cross-legged on the sofa. Putting your right hand on your left shoulder, you stretch your neck, feeling your sore muscles releasing a bit of tension with a small ‘pop’.

“I ended up preparing something entirely different than I had planned for dinner. I tried to let it go but just as I was going to put it in the oven, it slipped my hands and—”

“I think we should break up.”

Words die in your lips the moment you listen to your boyfriend speak. The silence becomes loud and abrasive as you struggle to understand what was happening. Why was Kazutora breaking up with you with such a small voice? What had triggered him to come to that conclusion? Why had he decided to bring it up now? You turn your head to the kitchen door and watch him slowly make his way towards you, doubtful steps as he takes a seat on the other side of the sofa, avoiding your eyes at all costs.

“What?” you ask, your voice hoarse. His lips form a tight line and you see him swallowing nervously.

“I’m not doing okay— haven’t been for a while. I— it’s been two years since I left prison and I still haven’t— I don’t— I don’t know what I’m doing,” he explains, looking down at his hands.

You nod slowly, trying to comprehend where he’s coming from. Turning your body towards him, you take a deep breath before speaking.

“It’s okay not to know,” you assure him in a soft voice. “Just… take it slow. One day at a time and then I’m sure you’ll—”

“I haven’t been sleeping well,” Kazutora confesses and you notice his voice wavering a little. “I— I keep having nightmares about— about that day and— and also about the motorcycle shop. Those two mix up and…” he takes one of his hands to the side of his head, his fingers grazing his temple. “And I’m hitting Baji in the head. And there’s so much blood— so, so much blood and—”

Leaning forward, you take his hands. They’re shaking and extremely cold and you rub your thumb over his knuckles, trying your best to soothe him.

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re safe now, Tora, you’re—”

Kazutora pulls his hands away hastily, leaving a tingling sensation on your palms.

“I can’t!” he says as he shakes his head. You spend a moment looking at your empty hands, never before having felt your boyfriend’s rejection. “I feel like I’m drowning and— You know what? I think relationships just aren’t for me,” he shrugs, his hands moving in exaggerated gestures. “That’s why I never cared for dating, never got myself involved in that kind of shit, not until—”

He finally looks at you and, fuck, you wish he didn’t. You’re not sure if you have the strength to deal with such hurtful discourse. You lick your lips and take yet another deep breath, deciding to ignore his hurtful remark.

“I’m… so sorry you’re feeling this way,” you say, slowing down your words, trying your best not to show how hurt you were. This isn’t him, you tell yourself. So no need for that tightness in your throat. “But you have to understand it’s not because of me. It’s because of everything that you’ve gone through and how hard it’s to deal with them. I don’t blame you, it is hard. But this… us,” you gesture to the both of you. “This is a good thing. Despite all the pain and hurt we’ve both been through, we—”

“Please, stop,” he says, raising his hand and pressing his eyelids together. “I can’t be with you anymore. That’s it, that’s all—”

“So you don’t love me anymore?” you counter. You scoff in disbelief, shaking your head. Kazutora’s eyes shoot open and you notice his pupils shaking in fear, like a deer caught in headlights.

“I love you,” he breathes out, and for a moment you see the boy you fell in love with in his amber eyes that are quickly filling with tears. “I do love you but it’s killing me. I feel like I’m dying,” he chokes out. He looks away from you once more and starts tugging at his fingers. “I’m rotting inside and I don’t know what to do to make it better. I just want it to stop. I want it to stop and— I don’t want you around when I’m like this. I want to figure out what the hell is happening and—”

“But if you love me and I love you then why—”

“I’m not happy with you!”

Kazutora widens his eyes, scared by his loud outburst. He parts his lips, silently muttering nonsense as he tries to come up with words that can make it better. You lower your head and he wants to punch himself over it. He doesn’t want to make you cry, not after everything you’ve done for him. Is he really going to be the person that hurt the one that made a home for him in her embrace? Is he going to hurt the only person that was brave enough to pick up the pieces of his shattered soul?

“I’m…” he babbles, in a soft voice. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

You snort. “No, you really did mean it, Tora.”

He can sense the hurt and sadness in your voice, even if now you’re the one that won’t look at him. He watches helplessly as you stand up and walk towards the living room window in complete silence. The apron you took off is still on the couch and the vast memories of all the times he embraced you while you were wearing it quickly fill his mind.

He wishes there was a way he could keep you. But no matter how much he wants to, he knows there really is no other way. He’s thought about this countless times. He has gone to work without getting proper sleep, stared at his blank tv screen for hours on end, trying to come up with a plan where he could keep you. Was staying with the person he loved the most too much to ask?

No matter in how many shades of light or with how much care he handled the memory of you, the only way he could spare you the greatest amount of pain was to leave you— even if he knew he’d end up shattering your heart as well.

Kazutora notices the way your fingers tightly close around the edge of the window, your knuckles turning white. He had come to terms that he’d lose you today, yet he never expected for it to be this way. It doesn’t matter, he tells himself. If hating him would mend your wounds faster, then he’d take it. Anything that would make the heartache he was causing you a little bit lighter. He knew you were the last person on Earth that deserved to go to bed carrying that much pain in her soul.

Looking out the window, you focus on a small girl walking her dog on the street. It’s a brown labrador and by the size of it, it’s barely a puppy. Rather than walk, it jumps on its four legs, his little head looking back at the girl every chance he has as he happily wags his tail. The pet shop Kazutora and Chifuyu work at immediately comes to mind. Would it be like this from now on? Small things eliciting memories of your days together without your consent and leaving a sour taste in your mouth?

You will need to find a new commute, you think, as you had been stopping by the pet shop on your way home for the past year. Is there another bus that you could take? As you try to remember the lines and their respective routes, you’re engulfed by the memory of the first time Kazutora dozed off with his head resting on your shoulder as you rode the bus together. You close your eyes and you can clearly see his peaceful expression and slightly parted lips as he slept, his fingers tightly intertwined with yours. His breathing is slow and his hands are cold and you wish you could go back, even for a minute and place a kiss on top of his head, since you wouldn’t be able to do so from now on.

Where exactly had you failed? You had just been complaining about your day when he dropped the bomb. Did you complain too much? Did you talk too much? Or was it you the one that was too much? You tried your best and supported him as much as you could but as it turns out, it hadn’t been enough. Good intentions were nothing but useless as you were now saying goodbye to the man you had loved the most.

You didn’t realize you were crying until you felt Kazutora’s cold knuckles against your cheek, wiping your tears. You gasp, startled by his touch and take a couple steps back until your back hits the wall. It takes a few seconds for him to bring his hand now, unsure on what to do next.

He looks so scared and small— it fills your heart with frustration. Your whole body is screaming to take a step forward and comfort him, cradle him in your arms like so many times before, assure him he’s safe with you and that he doesn’t have to worry anymore. That, if you can still go home to each other at the end of a bad day, you can take anything life throws at you.

But that’s the thing. You’re not each other’s home anymore. You don’t get to bury your face in his neck and hum happily when his perfume reaches your nose. You don’t get to have him take a nap on your lap as you watch a series or feel his lips ghost against yours seconds before colliding in a kiss.

You hate it. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, crossing his arms in front of his chest and looking down at his feet. “Please, don’t cry.”

“You know what, Kazutora?” you say, wiping your tears with the back of your hand. You taste venom in your words, yet that doesn’t stop you. “If you’re not happy with me, then what are you doing here?”

He flinches at your words. Biting his inner cheek, he nods, still incapable of holding your gaze.

“Yeah, okay,” he mutters. “I’ll go. I really am sorry.”

Kazutora turns on his heel, walking towards the door. Maybe it’s the way you know he’s not coming back this time that makes your desperation afloat. You don’t want him to go and you also know you can’t make him stay. And even if somehow you could find a way to keep him by your side, it would be worthless.

He’s just not happy with you.

“Are you happy somewhere else, though?” you ask, your words leaving your mouth before your head has time to process them. He stumbles on his feet and stops. “Because if you just can’t manage to be happy, then it’s not on me.”

Kazutora doesn’t have to turn for you to know he’s second guessing himself. The next seconds feel like years as he just stands there, mid-way to the front door, thoughts so messy and loud you can almost hear them.

“That doesn’t matter,” he finally says with his back to you. He closes his fists and you see his shoulders rising and falling as he takes a deep breath. “This way you don’t have to deal with... with the mess I am and—”

“Oh, please, I knew what I was getting into when I started dating an ex-convict.”

The weight of your words fall onto you the moment they leave your mouth. You squeeze your eyes shut, muttering a curse. It takes no time for you to walk towards Kazutora, standing between him and the door.

“Shit, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Tora, I didn’t— you know I didn’t mean it that way. Fuck, I’m so sorry,” you whimper, tears flowing free down your cheeks. Your wave your shaky hands, desperate to make your point across. “I just wanted to say I knew things would be difficult but I loved you— I love you and I—”

Kazutora shakes his head, a gentle yet sad smile on his face as he takes your hands in his. He holds them in front of his chest, squeezing them gently as they don’t stop trembling.

“Stop, it’s okay,” he assures you. “That’s what I am.”

“It’s not,” you protest. “I mean— yeah, but you’re more than that. You’re so much more than that. You’re caring, you’re noble— you’re so tender with the animals at your shop. You’re so sweet with me, always checking if I’ve eaten and offering to help me out if I have chores I need to do. You always come pick me up if I’m working late. You— you’re so fucking special to me.”

Kazutora’s lips form a tight line. “I wish I could see that,” he whispers.

“Then just— let me try. Let me try until you can look at yourself the way I do,” you almost beg. You let go of the hold he has on your hands to gently cradle his face. “I’ll do anything, but... don’t patronize me. I’m not a little girl. Whatever life throws at me, I’ve always been able to handle it. No— we’ll handle it. Together. Like it’s always been, you and me, I just— please, I don’t want you to go,” you cry. “We were going to be happy together, you were going to live with me and I’d give you half my drawers and half my closet and half… half everything. Please, don’t go. Don’t go, Tora.”

The sadness in his amber eyes only confirms what you’ve been fearing this whole time. You sob, your thumbs softly stroking his cheeks as you feel the world crumbling around you. This time, he doesn’t stop you, letting you cry as you hold his face, coming to terms with the fact he’s really leaving after all.

Your hands move to his hair, gently threading your fingers across his long, dark locks. Tracing the outline of his face, you push one of the dyed streaks away, only for it to fall back right where it was before. You can’t help the small smile that forms on your lips. He’s so pretty, you think, as the pads of your fingers gently caress his face. Your thumb grazes the space between his bottom lip and his chin and you dream of a world when he’s not saying goodbye, but rather falling asleep under your touch on your shared bed. You never knew loving someone as much as you loved him was possible-- yet the way your heart was crumbling in pieces was evidence of how much your soul was aching by being separated from the person it belonged to.

Sniffling, you rub your cheek against your shoulder to wipe your tears. You swallow before raising another question.

“Is this a… temporary thing? Or for good?” Your voice comes out in a whisper as you place down your hands on his shoulders.

“I don’t know,” he answers. He wants nothing more than to put his arms around your body like so many times before, but he’s aware that it will only make things more difficult. “But I don’t want to keep you waiting in vain. You should move on.”

Kazutora realizes how much he hates the idea as it leaves his lips. The idea of you starting over with someone else rots in his tongue. He doesn’t want you to hold anyone’s face the way you were just holding his. He wants to keep you all to himself, to go to endless visits to the grocery shop, to watch you fall asleep during movie night and then pretend you didn’t, to massage your hands as you tell him about his day.

But you don’t deserve the guck that’s forming inside his mind. He knows it’s only a matter of time before it comes out pouring and reaches you. And he’ll be damned if he lets himself ruin the one good thing he’s had in his life for many years. He promised to himself he wouldn’t let his ill state of mind touch his loved ones. Never again.

He watches you nod and feels his heart shattering, even if everything is going just the way he intended. You rub his shoulders and look into his eyes, a sad smile on the pretty lips he would never get to kiss again.

“Okay,” you sigh. “We’ll end this but… when you leave, never doubt how loved you were. No— how loved you are. I don’t know what is coming for either of us but… I do know a part of my heart will always belong to you, no matter who I hold hands with. I will always love you, Tora.”

Your words are enough to finally break him. Kazutora clutches your body tightly against him as he loudly sobs against your shoulder. You hold him, tears flowing free once again as you try and soothe the man you love, leaving small kisses on the side of his head and whispering soft reassurances that it’s okay. It’s not, you tell yourself. It’s never going to be okay. But it has to be.

Carefully, you move him back to the sofa, helping him sit down while he refuses to let go of his hold on your body. You lean on the back pillows, both your arms cradling him while he whimpers like a small child. Kazutora clutches the fabric of your sweater with desperation, wishing there was a way he could stay with you.

Why does he have to give up the person that had put a smile back on his face? He can’t quite remember a time when his stomach had hurt out of laughter before he ever met you. Or when he’d experienced such peace as the night he stayed at your apartment and got to see your sleeping face first thing in the morning. He’s never loved anyone as much as he loves you and, for all he knows, he may never love like this again. 

But he could never risk tainting you. He would never be able to forgive himself.

Kazutora softly pulls away from your embrace. His eyes are blotchy and red and you’re sure yours look the same or even worse. His nose is red, like it always does when he cries. It’s endearing, you think. Everything about him, from his hair, to his eyes, his hands— you’ve come to love every part of Kazutora. And that’s exactly why it’s so hard to let him go.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he says in a whisper, resting the side of his head on the back pillows of the sofa.

“Like what?” you ask, gently pushing his hair away from his face and behind his ear.

“Like I matter to you. Like I’m making a huge mistake.”

You take a deep breath. Imitating him, you rest your head on the back pillows as well, so you’re both facing each other.

“I don’t— I don’t fully understand what you’re going through,” you admit, your eyes locked on his. “But if you need to… get away, then you should. You’ve been nothing but loving to me. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy, whether it’s with me or not. You deserve to fully experience all the beautiful things life has to offer.”

Silent tears fall from both your cheeks and his.

“I should be thankful I got to love you for this whole year. Because even if it ends this way… God, I loved you so much,” you sniffle, letting out a small laugh. “And I felt so loved. Isn’t that magical in itself? That we got to love each other at the same time?” you wonder with a sad smile.

Kazutora parts his lips, yet the doorbell interrupts him before he can even speak. You look at the front door, your eyebrows furrowing for a moment before you realize who’s probably there.

“Food’s here,” you say, wiping the tears from your face.

“Food?” Kazutora asks, confused.

“Yeah,” you sigh. “Didn’t I tell you? The baking dish broke so I called that restaurant, the one with the burgers we like.”

“Sorry. I wasn’t really listening back then,” he admits with a pang of guilt. He sits up on the couch and turns his head at you. “I’ll leave you to it, then.”

You sit up as well. “I ordered for the two of us. C’mon, stay for dinner. Let’s… remember us this way, okay? Without so many tears and sadness,” you offer, tilting your head towards him. “I even ordered your favourite one.”

Kazutora rubs his face with his sleeve, erasing the trail of the tears he just shed. Looking at you, he nods, drawing a small smile on his lips.

“Okay. I’ll get it.”

He only walks a few steps towards the door before he feels you tugging at the back of his shirt. Turning around, he notices you’re standing right behind him. Your eyes look up to him, biting your bottom lip and not even a ghost of the smile you previously offered him.

“Before that, uh— I want you to know I… I mean it,” you firmly say, taking in all his facial features, loving how they soften every time he looks at you. “I’ll always love you. No matter how many years go by or if I ever stop being in love with you— I’ll still love you.”

“I’ll always love you too,” he replies, taking your hand and squeezing it softly. “I don’t think I could stop even if I wanted to.”

You finally let out a soft chuckle and squeeze his hand back. The doorbell rings again and you walk around Kazutora to get to it. This time, he’s the one that stops you, not letting go of the hold of your hand. Looking back at him, you notice the soft pout in his lips and how they softly tremble, looming more tears.

“It’s okay,” you assure him, and you know you’re saying it to yourself as well. “Who knows, we might get together again someday. Have our own Casablanca moment. We’ll always have the pet shop,” you joke, trying to fight back to tears that threaten to fill your eyes as well.

It’s Kazutora’s turn to chuckle, only this time he does it along with you. You let go of his hand only to hold his face tenderly, a soft smile as you look at the man you love. Standing on your tiptoes, you press your lips against the beauty mark under his right eye. You feel his hands setting on the small of your back and watch his smile widen when you fall back on your heels.

Locking your fingers with him once more, you open the door.

[scar-lie]

Crazy Love Pt. 2 [Natasha]

I DO COMMISSION JUST DM ME FOR THE INFO

Summary : Being on a run wasn’t easy especially when the Avengers and S.H.I.E.L.D. are the one after you, but that doesn’t stop you protecting or rather killing someone who disrespect your girl

Pairing : Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader, Steve Rogers x Natasha Romanoff

Warnings: Knife, Violence, Death, Blood, Torture, Killing, Cuts Arguing. Skin Carving, Dark!Reader, Kidnapping, Mention of Death, Manipulating, Use Of Weapons [Let me know if I missed something]

Word Counts : 5509

Crazy Love Pt. 1

@thorya22 (sorry for the long wait)

ORIGINALLY POSTED IN WATTPAD

No one has permission to repost my work anywhere, if you see it please let me know.

It's been 5 months since you got away. The slip up of almost getting caught that day wasn't the end of what you're doing. No, not even close, everything just got worse

 Ever since that cursed day, following Natasha's every move was at the top of your list. The need to make sure she was safe was too much to ignore, you needed her safe, no matter the costs

Following her every move also meant witnessing men continuously flirt with her. The flirtatious acts towards Natasha made you angry, you couldn't control it. You really tried to but at the end of every night the man's blood would end up on your hands and another victim would be added to your ledger

It's not like she couldn't sense someone was continuously following and watching her, she is the Black Widow after all. One of the deadliest, sneakiest, and intelligent assassins but at the end of the day you still managed to outsmart her. No matter how hard or close she came to catching you, you would always find a loophole before she could

Tonight isn't any different. As you follow the latest man who harassed her, Natasha, thoughts of what he did swarmed your mind. The image of him cat-calling her as she walked into the party and even slapping her ass after her clear rejection. The guy would not quit and seeing that Steve wasn't there to protect her caused you to get more angry

The image in your head gets more consuming as you finally catch up with him and shove him into an empty alley

"Who the fuck are you," he questions trying to push you off

Instead of verbally answering you drive your fist hard into his stomach causing him to fall on the ground, gasping for air. You grab his head and send a hard punch to his jaw causing him to knock out

You kneel down and force him to sit up to make it easier to pick him up. As you pick him up from the ground you make sure no one is around and start carrying him to your car to put him in the trunk

You then climb into the driver's seat and smirk while you start to drive off, excitement filling your body as you think about the painful punishment awaiting him

"NO, PLEASE STOP!" he exclaims while pain shoots through his body as you run your knife through his body, occasionally adding more pressure to make large gashes

He continues to plead for your mercy while you put the tip of your knife on his thigh and add more pressure, slowly causing it to drive deeper into his skin. As you continue your actions he tries to break away, which is no use due to the ties you put on his wrists and ankles

As he continues to try to move away from you, more cries and pleads leave his mouth as more cuts are made on his skin from the metal bed you tied him to when he was unconscious

 You continue to do this until his body is full of large gashes and cuts. You carve carefully into his skin, making sure the words are visible for when the police find his body

A frown comes across your face as silence surrounds the room, the agonizing screams and begging no longer heard, even as you put the knife deep into his rib cage and twist it

You finally move your gaze to look at his face and huff and shake your head in disappointment as you see him no longer breathing and a slight paleness flooding his face. With a long sigh you roll your eyes and get off of him

From the amount of blood over the scene you could tell he died of blood loss. An annoyed groan escaped your throat

"You could only last ten minutes" You wipe your face with wipes, weighing as you get a sack to put his body inside and in carrying it into the trunk of your car, as you slam the trunk closed you mumble

"Well, that was no fun. I had so many fun plans for you but I guess I'll have to use them on the next douchebag" you quickly climb into the driver side of your car and put it into drive to make your way home

Before arriving at your house, you make a quick detour to dispose of the body. When you finally arrive home you quickly enter and make your way to your bedroom to dispose of your clothes and take a much needed shower

After you finish your shower you quickly change into new clothes and grab the old ones. You quickly go into your living room and start a fire in the fireplace

As the fire starts to grow you throw the clothes into the fire. Burning them was the easiest way to get rid of the blood stained clothes, no traces were left

In the Avengers Compound the team is stressing out due to the uprise of murders that have been going on for the past few months

The Avengers handling murder cases wasn't very common, the police handed the cases over to them due to them not being able to get any leads

The cases were getting worse every month, the only people who would be able to figure this out were the world's mightiest heroes

"Any lead where she could be?" Tony asked, clearly stressed out

The team has been tracking and trying to find where you are but they can't get any direct leads. The air is tense as they try to find a lead, tension fills everyone's body, especially Natasha and Wanda

When the pair figured out it was you behind all of the killings they didn't tell Fury. A divide was made in the team when they confessed to knowing it was you

The others wanted to tell the Director while Clint and Thor agreed with Natasha and Wanda on not telling him. Which is why the heroes are currently fighting with each other

"Nothing," Sam simply said while looking around the room. Steve abruptly got up from his chair

"No one can stop me from telling Fury. It's the right thing to do!" Steve said in a leader voice

"Don't you fucking dare, Steve!" Nat threatens while taking an intimidating step towards him

"Not even you babe, I'm sorry but we have to tell him," Steve said while trying to walk past her but Nat didn't let up and stopped him before he could

"No one will tell this to Fury," Nat exclaimed then that's the start of more chaos

Steve and Nat fall into a screaming match while the others have their own amongst each other. The screaming matches abruptly end when a hologram appears in the middle of the room. Everyone turns their gazes to see Fury standing with his hands behind his back

"Director Fury," Nat says while sending a respectful nod to him, causing everyone else to greet him

"Sorry to bother you all at this time but another victim has been found in the outskirts of the city," he simply states while keeping a stern look. The team all shake their heads as disappointment fills them

Natasha closes her eyes, she can't believe that this is happening, she can't and doesn't want to accept the truth that you're killing people for her, that your love is flooding over you to the point where you would actually kill just for her

She can't believe this because you're her best friend, the person who was always bubbly, cheerful, adorable and sweet

She can't accept that the Y/n she's always known is different now, a crazy person who would kill people just because of a feeling that's supposed to cause happiness in life, the feeling of love

She's so lost in her thoughts that her brain didn't even register that Tony and Steve were telling Fury about you being the murder

Natasha finally got out of her head when she saw Wanda's hands glowing red in her peripheral vision

"How long," Fury sternly asks, causing Nat to quickly sit beside Wanda and hold her hand to calm her down

"Since a few months ago," Bruce mutters while Nat continues to comfort Wanda until the red on her hands and eyes start to slowly fade

"And you just decided to tell me that Y/L/N is the person behind this" Fury sternly questions causing Nat to close her eyes and clenched her jaw, anger coursing through her body

She wants to save you because she knows that the Y/n she knows and loves is still there, Wanda wants to save you too, she believes what Natasha believes, they both have the same reasons and beliefs

They kept talking until the call ended, Wanda quickly pinned them down using her powers, excluding Nat, Clint and Thor

"What the fuck! why did you tell him," Wanda hissed, causing Nat to get in front of her and put her hand on her arm to calm her down

She could tell her powers were too powerful for the boys, their groaning and gasps of pain being enough to tell just how powerful Wanda's powers were

"He- he had the right- to know," Steve gasped out between painful winces, the statement only firing something inside Wanda causing her to hold them even tighter

"Hey, hey Wanda calm down," Nat cups her face, making Wanda's gaze turn to her

Once Wanda's eyes land on Natasha's, she smiles and sends a quick nod, then Wanda starts to slowly calm down causing her powers to fade away until she completely releases them

"We can't hide the fact that it's her forever" Bruce exclaimed while rubbing over the part of his body that Wanda's powers were on

A silence falls over the room as they take a few minutes to catch their breath, not wanting to fight anymore

"So now what?" Nat questions them, still angry. They look at each other having a silent conversation

After a few days of going over the cases, they finally come up with a plan which leads to now

The first part of the plan starts with Tony having one of his huge parties and Nat wearing a sexy revealing dress

Natasha quickly checks around the room to see everyone in position. Nat goes on the dance floor while Steve acts like he's busy with something else

Nat starts to dance while acting drunk causing a man named James to approach her and start to touch her

On the other side of the compound you're hiding with binoculars, you keep your gaze focused on Natasha. Anger starts to bubble in your stomach as you see someone all up on her again

As the scene continues to unfold, his hands continue to wander over her body causing your blood to boil, you quickly glance at Steve to see him busy doing something else

It goes on until the party starts to slowly die down, you keep an eye on the guy while keeping an eye on Natasha

Once you see that the guy is walking on the dark side of the compound you quickly go to him and knock him out, you pick him up and start to go to your car but before you get a chance to take another step the team corners you

The team's plan goes according to plan, James, the guy who was set to flirt and harass Natasha, is an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D (Clint's friend)

The plan was to let James act like an awful man who would harass Nat, the team would act like they don't know what is happening and when the party dies down James will be the last to go out. The team got in position and stood by the corner you were in and boom, they surrounded you

"Y/N" Natasha whispers

You look at the team and smirk, you drop James on the ground and chuckle, patting down your clothes to fix the wrinkles

"Long time no see guys" you enthusiastically exclaim with a grin on your face

"Y/N/N please, just stop this," Wanda whispers pleadingly, only loud enough for you to hear

You turn to her and smile sweetly, you take a step but Vision and Bucky stop you, Bucky points his gun and Vision puts his strong arm in front of you, you look at it and chuckle

"Don't you dare take another step," Tony hisses, pointing his repulser at you. You turn to him with innocent eyes

"Why Dad?" you question keeping an innocent look

"Am I in trouble? I didn't break one of your suits, nor interrupt you from your lab" you spit out the last part with a sweet voice

He shook his head at your antics, he loves you so much, he treated you like his own daughter. When you mentioned the last sentence, memories of when you were happy swarmed his mind

"Stop it" he bites out

"You're not her! I don't want to hurt anyone to get hurt, especially you but you're leaving us no choice here Y/N" Tony tries to bargain while looking at you again causing his eyes to fill with anger when he realizes you're not the same person anymore

"Awh, you're all so sweet," you sarcastically exclaim through gritted teeth with a smile on your face while your gaze is set on them

"Just surrender Y/N," Natasha says with a pleading tone and eyes

"You know that I love you so much Nat, I can give you the world, that's how much I love you! I'm willing to do everything for you but I'm so sorry my love, I love you Nat" you confess with a loving tone while staring into her eyes. As soon as she smiles and tries to take a step towards you, you drop the smile and look at her with an emotionless gaze. You wanted to fall into this, fall into her, but deep down you knew that it was a trap. You may be crazy for her love but you're not dumb, as soon as Natasha sees your change in emotion she frowns at you

"But you can't fool me" you lowly say, you then throw a gas bomb at your feet and as soon the gas spreads you quickly bring everyone down, some try to stop you but you dodge their moves

When the gas starts to fade you quickly run away from them. Bruce, Sam, Bucky and Vision groan and wince holding onto themselves due to you injuring them. Nat, Steve, Tony, Wanda, Clint and Thor weren't affected so they chased after you

As you're running Tony lands in front of you and tries to hit you with his repulser, you dodge it and with your skills you manage to take his mask and turn off his suit, as you're about to stab him in the thigh, Steve grabs you and throws you in a tree

You groan while standing up, Clint approaches you and tries to bring you down but you quickly slip him off of his feet and slice the side of his rib cage and stab him under his collar bone, seeing Clint on the ground, Steve and Tony try to bring you down

You fight with them, they are strong but you manage to get off of them and run again then Thor tries to hit you with his thunder but when he's busy summoning his power you throw two daggers at him and it lands on his right bicep and the side of his abdomen

Tony, Steve, and Wanda quickly approach you to try to end this. As Tony approached you, you noticed how he had his suit back on which didn't matter because you took it off of him and stabbed him in the hip and threw him into the tree

You're near your exit, but Steve stops you, you both exchange punches until Nat joins too. They try to bring you down but fail, you know them very well, reading what their next move would be was a big advantage for you

Steve gets a hold of you and Nat is gonna put you to sleep but you have other plans, you pout at her and laugh like a crazy person

"I love you Natasha but," as you trail off you use Steve as strength and kick Natasha to her face making her nose bleed and slam down on the ground

You jump Steve's back and quickly stab him on the back of his hip and tase him making him fall to the ground. Wanda quickly comes into your view, you look at her with a pout then smile, her eyes glow red while she starts to form an energy ball, you gasp at it like you're surprised at what she's doing

"You know my dear friend, you're late for the fight and now an energy ball, seriously?" You laugh at her actions causing her to look at you with anger in her eyes

"You leave me no choice Y/N, I don't want to do this but I have to" she continues to form the energy ball to throw it at you but stops when you state something that makes her question herself

"You have to because that's what they ordered you to do Wanda! Look at what happened to your dear brother, he died because you both followed Ultron, you both helped him take the whole city of Sokovia down, if you both didn't take orders, there would've been no war in Sokovia," you bitterly exclaim with a smile causing Wanda to get lost in her mind

"That's enough!" Natasha exclaims through gritted teeth

She then uses one of her widow bites on you causing you to fall to the ground. You quickly take it off and slowly stand up, you look at her with an emotionless expression

That's when Natasha realized that fighting with you will never change your mind but what she did next really shocked you

"Y/N, I'm not gonna fight you, okay," she said softly while taking off her widow bites and taking her guns and knives off of her body and resting them on the ground. She then stands up with hand in the air, showing you her surrender

"Let's talk, please," she says with a pleasing tone

"I'm not gonna fight you, I promise" You didn't buy it but you just look at her and she sends you a pleading nod

"Okay, it's fine if you keep your weapons, but please" she says while starting to take a step towards you causing your body to get into alert mode

Noticing this she stops to let you adjust to her, when she knows that you're okay she starts to walk towards you slowly again, you let her until she's in front of you. Tears fall down her eyes causing you to wipe them with your thumb, she then cups your face and sniffles while smiling at you

"Please stop this, this is madness, this is not the Y/n I know," she whispers, searching in your eyes for any sign of the Y/n she knows but she couldn't find the spark you used to hold in your eyes. She couldn't find you in them anymore

"I'm willing to do anything to protect you, those guys" you trail off trying to contain yourself

"They deserved to die" you whisper lowly and your eyes turn soft

Nat smiles as she notices the shift in your expression, hoping that the 1% of her Y/n will be enough to get through to you, she'll take that small chance to bring you back

"I know but you don't have to do that" she caresses your cheeks with her thumb and smiles at you

"You're a hero Y/n, you're not the Villain. You do good things for people, you don't go around killing people like that" she whispers softly and puts her forehead on yours, you close your eyes and feel the connection, you even drop the knife you held in your hand

"I'm just doing what I know is right" you whisper while looking at her eyes. You're so lost in the moment that you crash your lips on hers

Shock runs through Natasha's body while anger starts to bubble in her chest, unable to contain herself she harshly pushes you off

Guilt starts to cloud her brain as she starts to feel like she cheated on Steve which causes her to get more angry

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO!" she shouts while wiping her lips. Her lashing out causes you to go back to your crazy side, you chuckle and shrug your shoulders

"I just kissed you my love-" Before you could finish your sentence she cuts you off

"DON'T FUCKING CALL ME THAT! I'M NOT YOUR LOVER AND WILL NEVER  BE! YOU'RE A FUCKING KILLER!" As she shouts in your face, no emotion is seen on yours which causes Natasha to get even more angry

"YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR ME?!" she questions

"YOU KILL EVERY MAN WHO LAY THEIR HANDS ON ME BUT YOU KNOW WHO YOU NEED TO KILL NEXT?!" she bitterly questions, completely losing her composure. You keep your silence causing Nat to go on

"YOUR FUCKING SELF! YOU'RE A FUCKING KILLER!, YOU THINK THEY ARE DANGEROUS FOR ME?! WHAT IF I GOT WITH YOU?!" she exclaims with venom filled in her tone

"I WOULD CHOOSE TO BE WITH ANY OF THOSE MEN OVER YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE THE MOST DANGEROUS PERSON!" she shouts pointing her finger in your chest aggressively causing Wanda to snap out of her thoughts and watch what was going on

"YOU'RE A CRAZY, DANGEROUS, KILLER. THE WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE WITHOUT YOU IN IT!" she exclaims again, finally taking a deep breath to gather herself

"Stop following me, killing for me and most importantly stop loving me because I will never love you the way you want me to" she hisses out bitterly

You stand there, taking everything she said in, Wanda just stands there gulping at what Natasha said, she doesn't want to get in between this so she chooses to stay out of it

"Is that really what you want?" you ask with an emotionless tone

She looks at you with confusion, but nods frantically and Wanda bites her lips alternating her gaze between the both of you

"Yes! Yes that's what I want" she said still angry causing you to simply nod at her

"Okay" you simply state and then throw a small chip at Wanda causing her to fall to the ground and tase Natasha in the neck making her go weak

"But I will never surrender myself to you" you simply state, you run off until you approach your emergency vehicle, it was a black 2020 BMW R1250 RS

Once you get in the vehicle you quickly drive off, away from them and make sure that no one's following you. Once you confirm you're not being followed you speed off to your house

It's been a week now and the team stressed at first that you got away but it was a relief when no new victims were found, it makes them think that you stop but they are still trying to find you

They want to see and talk to you in a good way, not like your last encounter, they keep looking for you

But Natasha is so bother at where you at and the package you send to her the night after the fight, it was a small box with full of the flower of a cherry blossom tree and a note, she don't want to open it so she don't know what it is but she always keep it on her pocket

Then Wanda is so lost in her head, after the fight she feels something wasn't right after that she feels all of your connection to her is gone, and it makes her worried and drives her crazy, she just wishes that you're ok

"Finally!" Tony shouts and writes down the address of your house, everyone goes to him

"What? What is it?" Natasha asked frantically and Steve rubbed her arm

"I finally found her" Tony said and gave the address to them, Natasha quickly read it out loud

"What are we waiting for? let's go!" Wanda quickly said, getting anxious at what will happen next, she doesn't have a good feeling, she tried to connect to you for weeks now but she just can't, it's like you just vanished

"Ok let's go" They all said and quickly got to their cars, Steve, Natasha, Wanda and Vision are in one car then Bucky, Sam, Thor, Clint and Bruce are in the other car together and well, Tony is in his sports car alone

They speed off in your location, the others are happy that they will finally find where you are but not Wanda, she truly feels something is wrong, and she can't lose you cause you're the only one who's left of her family, she see you as a sister

Once they got in the house, it was quiet, the house was silent and like it's no life, it's not lively, the plants are already dead, dried leaves are scattered around the house, it's like someone abandoned it

"Ok, let's go" Bucky said, scanning the house

They nod and go to your front door, they knock but no one's opening the door nor no sounds inside the house, they look at each other worried

"Let's just go in" Sam suggests and Steve nods since he's in the front and he opens it

They frown at the door isn't lock, they got in and the scan the house, the house is neat, no object are out of place, the house looks like your style so they know it's yours, but it have dust that confused them cause you're the person who's organized and clean, who leaves no sign of trash nor a single dust in your place

"Ok scattered around" Nat said and they nod, Nat and Wanda go up with Bucky and Vision and they divide into two so Wanda and Nat wonder at the right side

They see nothing, so the guys go up and meet Bucky and Vision so they go to Wanda and Nat, then they hear a loud thud and scream of Wanda, they quickly run to where the sound is, clearly worried, and they burst into your room

They see Natasha and Wanda are on the floor, frozen while looking up, Wanda is screaming and trying to get out of Natasha's embrace while Natasha holds Wanda tightly

The woman was both crying, while Wanda screamed, agonizing that everybody's heart broke. Once the guys saw what it was, they were shocked

Steve, Bucky, Bruce and Sam shook their heads while tears ran down to their cheeks, their eyes glued to what was in front of them, crying specially Tony, his heart wreck

"NO NO NO NOOOOOOOO!" Thor shouts and the cloud turns to dark gray and thunder are everywhere, starting a thunderstorm

They see you, see you hanging in the ceiling, blood is already dried in your body and on the floor, that night until the other day, all is in your head is what Natasha said and what she wants

You didn't refer at what the last thing she said, your asking if she truly want for you to kill yourself, so when you confirm it, you think of it over night until you hang a rope in the ceiling of your bedroom and hang yourself there but not before torturing yourself too like you did to the others

"NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Wanda screams and gives up, leaning on Natasha and crying on her arm

Natasha acts strong but deep inside her, she's so broken, she picks Wanda up and goes out of the house to their car and they cry there but Natasha tries to comfort her, cause she knows how you meant to her

While the two women crying in the car, Steve and Bucky bring your body down, then they bring you to the compound and clean you up, only a woman who's not related to you cleans you up cause Nat or Wanda can't look at you

They mourn for you that day until you're already clean. They go to you and look at you, when they see you they finally see your innocent face

Memories flashing back to their head and tears falling, all the happy memories are coming back to their head, and it breaks their heart to see you like this, that you took your own life

Once they are around you they take the white fabric covering your body and you're wearing a white sando and shorts

That's when they saw the carved words, it was all over your body, they gasped at it, Natasha's world crashed when she saw it

'Killer' 'Crazy' 'Dangerous' are carved in you, all over your body, from head to toe

The night of your fight flash back on Natasha's head, when she lashed out at you and what she said, she gasped at it and just got out there

She can't handle it all, it's so overwhelming for her, so she got on her motorbike and went to one place you both love, it was a special place cause that's where you both always spend your free time and make happy memories

She goes to the mountain where you can see the city, you both even build a little tree house there and plant flowers there

Once she got there she got to the edge and sat there, that's where you both sit, but today she sat at your side, at the right one

She sobs there, she lets her emotion out there and holds her chest at how painful it is. The memory of her telling you what you are and what you should do that night is repeating in her head like her favorite movie that she didn't get tired watching

She keeps crying there, she take all of her emotion out there, she even throw a rocks and scream at the top of her long until her body collapsed on the ground, she sob there pouring all of her emotions that she never let anyone see it and let them to know it excluding you, your the only person she can be who she is and show every part of her

Until she brings out the note you sent to her, out in her pocket then she slowly opens it with her shaky hands and reads what you wrote

She thinks that she can't cry anymore, she thinks that all of her tears are all pour out but once she read what you wrote she sobs at it and more tears come out, while clinging the note to her chest with a shattered heart

I'll always do what you want

Your wish is my command

Bye. Natalia

She cries there, she cries her eyes out, her heart sting more at the use of her birth name, you never used it before, it has always been Nat, Natty, Tasha or other pet names she loves but this? This broke her heart more than before, this is the first time she cried like this, like the half of her life ripped out of her, like someone took that away from her, when you took your own life, you bring the half of Natasha with you

You're her best friend, her buddy, her partner of crime, you show her love, you're the one who make her believe that she's not just capable but she also allowed to love someone, your the one who show her that love isn't just for children, Natasha's life is full of darkness, traumas and bad thing that hunt her but when she see you, when you come to her life, your the highlight of her life

You take all her worries away, because of you, her past never hunted her, she feels like all her life are all happy, you're the most important person in the world to Natasha, she will do anything to protect you cause you saved her, you saved her in any possible way

But she failed to protect you, even worse she's the reason why you took your own life, she killed you, and now this will forever haunt her until she dies

"I'm-I'm so........sorry bub, I'm so sorry I didn't protect you!" she whispered crying

She screamed at the top of her lungs, it was so agonizing, that if anyone will heard her will break

Your death will hunt her every night, every hours, minutes and seconds, she will never forget this day

[akingdomofswordsandstories]

Unrequited pt. 2

azriel (acotar) x reader

*this is part 2! Sorry for the wait guys! I really struggled with this and low-key I don’t like it but I hope y'all do! I wanna write the scenes after this but idk how im gonna make it work lol. anyway, enjoy!

word count: 3193

---------------------------------

What you hadn’t realized was that Azriel left a few minutes later, walking to your apartment to make sure you had gotten home safe.

All of a sudden he heard whimpers and labored breathing coming from the alley.

Nothing could have prepared him for the sight of you laying on the ground and bleeding out. He felt a tug in his chest. A click. Panic instilled in him as he gently but swiftly picked you up and flew you to Madja.

“Hang on y/n, you’re so strong” he whispered

In those moments, he feared for you. Fear that was so strong. Something he had never felt before.

He rushed into the house laying you on the bed gently before he was shoved out by the Madja so she could try to save you.

Azriel alerted the others and then collapsed into a chair, sitting in silence. A tear slipped out of his eye at the thought he may have been too late to save you.

You. His mate.

Why, of all the times did the bond have to click while you were on the brink of death. In a situation where you may not make it out alive. It wasn’t fair.

He wondered if you had known. Could that be the reason why you had been distancing yourself from him? Because you didn’t expect or want him to be your mate? But if you had known you would’ve said something, right? You wouldn’t keep it a secret? So many thoughts kept racing through his head.

Could it have been because of Elain? He knew the inner circle wasn’t stupid, they all saw him drifting more and more to Elain. Could that have been why you had distanced yourself? He would be lying if he said he didn’t like Elain, but he would also be lying if he said he didn’t like you.

Your stubbornness. Your generosity. Your sense of adventure. The way you could get lost in the things you did.

Suddenly the door swung open and the others came into the room, worry written all over their faces.

Azriel could tell that Cassian and Mor had been crying on the way there.

“How bad is it?” Mor shook as she spoke. You could see the pain in her eyes. The worry she had for someone who was basically her sister.

Azriel’s expression was unreadable and he didn’t respond.

“Do you think she will make it?” Feyre asked, grief evident in her posture. “I- I don’t know” Azriel answered, “It was pretty bad,” he said quietly.

Just as he answered, Madja appeared from the other room. “She’s in rough shape, I don’t know if she’s gonna make it through the night. She lost a lot of blood.”

The room grew eerily quiet

“She’s stable for now, but I will stay here and notify you if any changes occur.”

---------------------------------

Rhys, Feyre, Amren, and Elain went back to the townhouse to try and get as much rest as they could. Mor, Cassian, and Azriel decided to stay in your room with you.

Tears started slipping from Cassian’s eyes once he saw your fraile body lying in bed, barely hanging on.

“Oh mother” Mor sobbed out, a hand slipping over her mouth. She went over to the bed you were on, gently sitting on it and grabbing to hold your hand. She leaned against the headboard and watched as your chest heaved.

The trio sat in silence for some time, watching your every move, your breathes, whimpers, and shifts.

Azriel broke the silence.

“She’s my mate. All this time and I never knew.”, the sentence coming out as a whisper.

Shock was painted on Mor’s face. “Y/n’s your mate? How di-? When?”

“It clicked when I saw her body lying there.” his voice started breaking “Why did it have to happen right now. Of all the times. Why couldn’t it have happened months ago. I could’ve had more time. This never would have happened. How do I move on from this?” his voice ending on a whisper.

“All you can do is hope to mother that she has the strength to pull through.” Cassian replied softly. “You know, this whole situation is so ironic.”, he said softly to himself, lightly shaking his head.

Azriel gave Cassian a look of confusion, wondering what he was talking about, but decided to drop it for now.

“Anyway, let’s try to get some sleep and pray the morning holds better news”

Mor had dozed off, back against the headboard and hand still holding yours. Cassian was sitting in the chair, head resting on the palm of his head, it still took him a few hours to fall asleep completely. Azriel, however, couldn’t sleep. The thought of sleeping while you laid like this. He felt guilty, the feeling that he may have been too late. For the rest of the night, Azriel sat in a chair next to your bed, shrouded in darkness, hoping you would be ok.

---------------------------------

Sunlight peeked through the sheer blinds over the balcony door. The faint sound of birds singing flowed through the air. Light shined onto your face, causing you to groan. Groggily, you opened your eyes, blinking to adjust to the light filling the room. Your head pounded and you winced as you shifted in bed.

“Y/n?” you heard a whisper. You mumbled in response. “Oh! Thank mother you’re alright! We were all so worried for you. Wait, let me call Madja now that you’re up.” Mor rambled on causing you to smile slightly. “CASSIAN!” she squealed “Wake up! Look! Y/n is awake!”

Cassian jumped to his feet at her shout. “Oh my god!” he ran over to your side “I was so worried, I’m so glad you’re alright” he said, taking your hand into his. “Let me go call the others, they’ve been waiting for an update.”

Soon after, the rest of the inner circle came over to your room to check in and Madja came to see how you were healing.

“That was quite the wound you had. Make sure to rest for the next two weeks. No buts, we don’t want this opening back up from stress or straining activity.”. You groaned at the thought.

“But I feel fine now, it’s not a big deal! I can go back to doing my duties in 2 days. I’ll be good as new.” you pleaded, trying to convince Madja and yourself. Before she could respond, Rhys cut in.

“You will do nothing of the sort. You just got stabbed for cauldrons sake, if i catch you trying to do anything remotely straining, i’ll lock you in your room and have Cassian stand guard in front of it”

“Fine” you grumbled out

“Now that everything is settled, i’ll be coming to check on you every few days.” Madja states before leaving

After a little more small talk was exchanged, the inner circle decided to leave you to rest a bit more, but promised they would visit you as frequently as they could.

Except, one person stayed behind.

Azriel.

“Can I talk to you?”

“Is something wrong?” you asked

After a hesitant pause his voice rang out. “We’re mates.”

You felt a blow to your chest. When did he find this out? As if Azriel had read your thoughts, he responded “Last night. After I found you.”

“Oh”

“But, Cassian said something, how it was ironic, and I can’t help but wonder how long you’ve known”

“I-, I told Cassian that we were mates yester-”

“But how long have you known y/n.” his voice quiet and sharp as a knife, as if tendrils of anger were waiting to escape

“Since the diplomatic mission Rhys sent us on”, you whispered. You could feel the tears threatening to fall from your eyes

“That was months ago and you didn’t think to tell me?” You could feel the anger in his voice

“I thought you would have figured it out sooner. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry” tears started falling from your eyes

“You knew and said nothing. Why didn’t you say anything? You should have said something” he seethed. His anger was unhinged, a drastic change for the usually calm and collected shadowsinger.

“If you didn’t want to be my mate just tell me. I’d be glad to be rid of the bond.”. As soon as he said it, he regretted it. His anger dissipated. He looked up and saw your face, tears streaming down.

“I see the way you look at Elain, Azriel. I’m not some stupid fucking female. How do you think it feels to see your mate all over someone else. I wanted to give you a chance to find your own happiness without me burdening you with this. And if we’re being honest, if you had to choose between me or her, you would choose her. I knew you would be disappointed by me. I knew you wouldn’t want to be my mate, that's why I didn’t tell you.” your anger started boiling up. “Do you think it feels good to be rejected, especially by someone you’ve loved for a long time? I didn’t want you to be disappointed that I was your mate, the person you’ve waited so long for.” your voice tapered off at the end. “Can you leave please” you said softly

“No, wait, I’m sorry I-“

“Azriel. Get out.” your voice boomed through the room.

He left reluctantly, softly shutting the door behind him. Just as the door shut, the sobs that you had been desperately trying to hold back broke free. Your body shuddered as you hugged yourself, crying yourself back to sleep.

---------------------------------

During the following weeks, you avoided Azriel at all costs. As soon as he walked into the room, you would walk out. Any required conversations were kept short. You did anything you could to keep your mind off of him, cleaning, errands, hell you did it all. It certainly didn’t help your recovery, but you did what you could to keep your mind busy and off of Azriel.

“Y/n stop please. You need to rest, how many times do we have to tell you. You’re only making the healing process longer” Mor ranted on.

“I’m fine, I doubt a wound, which is almost healed by the way, would be damaged by me doing chores” you emphasized as you rolled your eyes

“Maybe not by chores, but it is affected by your stress”

A moment of silence passed.

“He feels terrible, you know, he didn’t mean to say it. He just wants to talk to you.”. Mor didn’t risk saying his name because she knew it would only anger you more.

“Well I don’t want to talk to him, or deal with him, or see him, or think about him. At all.”. You grumbled. Your heart clenched, but you brushed it aside.

“Y/n, please. I love you two and it hurts to see our family like this right now.”

“Please, can we drop it, I-“ your voice cracked

“Yeah, of course. Just… keep an open mind, maybe?”

“Yeah, ok” you looked down.

“I’ll see you later tonight then, for Rhys and Feyre’s dinner party.”

“Sounds good.”. You pressed your lips into a tight smile as you watched Mor walk off. You had definitely contemplated not going today. All of the inner circle certainly knew what happened, maybe not all the details, but still enough, which made you feel exposed. You weren’t use to having your emotions splayed out to everyone like that, and it made you too vulnerable. However, Mor had threatened to pull you to the party herself if you refused to go, so being complicit seemed like the best option.

It was just one night. You would be fine… right?

---------------------------------

It was nearing 8 as you finished getting ready for the party, which started at 8:30. You were wearing an olive green silk midi dress. It wasn’t anything too fancy, but it was still very elegant. And comfortable. You were touching up as Mor arrived.

“Ah, there she is, beautiful as ever.”

“I could say the same about you, darling” you emphasized

“Are you ready to go, I heard the party is getting started, and you know I wouldn’t want to miss all the cocktails”

A laugh mused on your face. You grabbed your purse before the pair of you winnowed to the house.

You arrived at the front door, scanning the scene when you got there. It was a cozy ballroom with french doors which opened up to a huge balcony leading to the gardens. There was a huge dining table in the center with plenty of space to mingle in clusters.

You hadn’t spotted Azriel yet, a sigh of relief leaving your body. You strutted in, arms linked with Mor, grabbing a drink off the platter. You weren’t even sure who or what this party was for, but you realized you had downplayed it after spotting Helion and Tarquin. The high lords in Velaris. But that was the least of your concerns, the only thing you were focused on was avoiding Azriel.

Spotting Feyre near Helion, you breezed over to say hi.

“Ah! Y/n! Helion, i’m sure the two of you have met a few times before!” Feyre smiled out

“Yes, I do remember you! I heard about what happened, how are you feeling?” He asked

“Much better than the last few weeks, that’s for sure. Although I must say, this alcohol is certainly helping” you giggled. “Well I just wanted to pop over and say hi, but I think I’m gonna go find Cassian now. It was so nice to see you again Lord Helion, enjoy your evening.”

“You too Miss Y/L/N”

You dipped your head towards the both of them before making your way through the room to find Cassian. Where was he for caldrons sake. You hadn’t seen him in a week because he had to go up to the illyrian war camps again. Pushing your way through the crowd, you bumped into a hard chest, spilling your champagne. Cursing to yourself, you started to apologize.

“Oh mother, I’m so so sorry, clums-“. Looking up your y/e/c eyes met strong hazel ones, which were burning into your soul. You felt your throat close up, starting to feel trapped in the crowed room

No no no no. This couldn’t be happening. Not now.

You knew it was only a matter of time before you would have to talk to him, but you couldn’t do it now. Before he could say a word, you pushed past him and bolted out to the balcony to get some fresh air. You had run to the corner, near the steps to the garden, out of sight from others. Taking deep breaths, you calmed your nerves. You would be ok, everything was fine. It would be fine. At least, that’s what you kept telling yourself.

You decided to quickly go grab another drink before returning to the serenity outside. Leaning against the balcony, you stared out at the stars and the gardens. They were so beautiful, even in the winter, you thought to yourself. You basked in the silence, your thoughts drowning you.

Some time had passed before you heard footsteps approaching you on the balcony. You knew who it was without having to turn around, but you still couldn’t bear to be around him. You turned to leave but his hand caught your wrist, holding it firmly. You could feel the scars from his hands against your skin.

“Please. I just want to talk”

“What’s there to talk about Azriel, you made your feelings clear that day.”

“Just listen, please, and then i’ll leave you alone if that’s what you wish”

You sighed, nodding your head in defeat. You couldn’t keep balling up your emotions.

He led you back to the railing of the balcony before his grasp left your wrist. You tilted your head down looking at your feet and fiddling with your thumb.

“I spent 500 years pining after Mor because I was so afraid of maybe having a chance at love. I thought it was best to love someone who would never love me back so I wouldn’t get hurt. Then I met Elain. She helped me to open up more, and helped me to believe that happiness would be possible for me, with someone. I had given up on the idea of having a mate. I didn’t think I deserved one. I was ok with that and had accepted that.”

He let out a breath as he ran his hand through his hair, light curls falling onto his forehead. “When I saw you lying there and the bond clicked, I was so mad at myself. I shut out the possibility of having a mate for so long. You were my mate. My mate. I never thought I would be able to say those words.”

He paused.

“I was mad that you may not make it. I was mad that I didn’t find you soon enough. I was mad that we didn’t have more time. I didn’t know what to do or how to feel. I Just wanted you to be ok. And then when you told me that you had known for so long, I was angry. Angry that I hadn’t realized sooner, and angry that you kept it from me because you may not have wanted me or expected me to be your mate. And I snapped. Then you said the thing that I had least expected. You said you had loved me” He chuckled dryly. “I am so sorry, y/n, so very sorry.”.

His hand reached down to cup your face. He jerked your head up so you were looking at him. “What i’m trying to say is that I love you, but I understand if you don’t feel the same way anymore”.

The air had been knocked from your lungs. Your heart swelled and your eyes watered. Before you had realized what you were doing, your lips crashed into his. His mouth fit perfectly against yours. He was a breath of fresh air with a hint of mint. Azriel’s hands gripped your waist, pulling you into his body and he smiled against your lips. It felt so right. Everything about it. Your heart was pounding out of your chest as you both pulled away, breathless. Your forehead rested against his.

You whispered just loud enough for him to hear.

“I love you too”. As soon as the words left your mouth, he pulled you in for another kiss, his wings forming a cocoon around you. This one was more demanding. Passionate. A promise. You pulled away from his mouth and leaned against him, his arms wrapping around you.

“Oh, I almost forgot.” Azriel said. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a small black box. “It’s your Solstice gift, I was trying to find a good time to give it to you.”, he scratched the back of his head.

You gently took it from his hand. The box had a red ribbon wrapped around. Undoing the ribbon, You opened the box to find one of the beautiful necklaces you had been admiring with Mor. “Oh my Az. Its so beautiful. I love it. How did you know?”

“I may have had my shadows follow everyone around to find out what they wanted.” he laughed out.

You smiled. “Will you help me put it on?”. Handing the dainty chain to Azriel, you brushed you hair aside. Baring your neck to him. His fingers ghosted the soft skin, clasping the necklace together. He tenderly placed a kiss next to your ear, causing butterflies to erupt.

You cleared your throat. “I think we’ve been gone long enough. Would you like to get some food, Azriel?” you smiled.

“I would love to, my darling mate.” he paused before darkly saying “I am especially excited for the part that comes after I eat.”. You lightly smacked his shoulder before the two of you made your way inside, beaming.

taglist ---

@minnie-mitzel @itsbebeyyy @preciousbabymuffins @kexrtiz @vicisbookishblog @peneflop @millianec @agentsofsheilds 

[henqtic]

𝘈𝘳𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦 𝘔𝘦 𝘈 𝘋𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦

pairing: draco malfoy x fem!reader 

word count: 2.3k

summary: Draco Malfoy. His name was registered in your mind as your enemy, plain and simple. A platinum blonde idiot who you’d find much more likable if he’s just shut up everyone in a while. But what would happen if your parents arranged for you both to attend the yule ball together- would some hidden feeling shine their way out? 

warnings: mentions of arranged marriages, mentions of feeling anxious, feelings of self doubt, kissing, angry love confession, crying, a little angst, please contact me if theres more !

a/n: Also this is an au where the yuleball is in seventh year and no Voldemort <3

masterlist.  // gif creds // taglist form.

When Dumbledore announced the yule ball to the school in the middle of the dinner, you were a bit excited. Excited at the idea that you’d have the chance to be asked to the dance by some nice boy and that could potentially lead to a relationship.

But being born into a family like yours, you couldn’t hope for much. Not even a week after they got the news, your mother and father made an arrangement with the Malfoy’s that you would have to attend the ball with their son Draco.

You could've sworn they had been trying to set you both up for some kind of arranged marriage. Maybe them pushing you together was a way to soften a blow when it finally happened? But still, out of any one they just had to choose him.

You had grown up with him, Draco, and if you hadn't already known— he was what you called a... bitch boy. He’d tattle about small things, throw a few temper tantrums, and cry to get his way. This is why even though your families had been so closely connected for years, centuries even— he was your enemy and nothing could change that.

That fact wasn’t hidden from your parents, not in the slightest. They saw the numerous dirty looks you’d throw at each other when you thought no one looking, not to mention the childish pulling of hairs and elbowing with shoulders.

But they also saw the good things about your relationship, how'd you do little things for each other that made a bigger impact than you thought, like it was second nature.

Like whenever another dinner party would come up where there were random families of investors, business owners or, just more snooty rich people— Draco would always make sure you were seated right next to him in the case that both of you had to show up.

It honestly wasn’t that much of a big deal from his view point. Only an idiot couldn’t tell that you found yourself uncomfortable around new people and him saving you a seat was just common decency.

And there was always little moments where they’d find you both curled into each other after one of the tense meetings you had to attend seeing as you’d be graduating soon and still had the responsibility of up keeping your family names once you were adults.

Draco would be there tenderly playing with your hands and venting. Because while he did come off as confident about everything in his life, how he had both the Malfoy and Black fortuned to fall back onto, you could tell he was still scared of the future— of growing up.

That fear is also what led to the very rushed apology he had offered to the golden trio for his past behavior. You did have to physically push him into them and he did choke up on the words of kindness that were supposed to make the apology sincere but he still did it.

They hadn't forgiven him of course, they just sort of stared like some one had cast an unforgivable curse on the boy seconds before, but at least they were now, they were civil towards each other.

And even though you did do those things for him, that didn’t stop you from not wanting to do this and neither did it stop you from impatiently waiting outside of the great hall doors.

Your dress was made out of nothing less of the finest fabrics and silks you could get your hands onto. You knew it wouldn't make a single dent into your families Gringotts account but you felt that the purchase would make some sort of statement.

“You’re five minutes late,” you seethed, watching as a head of white-blonde hair finally round the corner. His hands brushed his jacket in a smug manor, getting rid of the invisible dust particles.

It really wasn’t that much time, many other students could still be found wither waiting for their dates or just standing around to show up ‘fashionably late’.

But you knew Draco had spent those minutes staring at himself in the mirror and fixing his oh so perfect hair.

“Some of us like to look good when showing up to these things,” he sneered before eyeing you in disgust.

“Oh please, this dress cost more than the gel you have piled in your hair.” His eyes narrowed at you along with a scrunch of his nose as he offered you the junction between his folded arm to lead you down the steps.  

The night had gone pretty well so far, both of you somehow never finding the right time to leave the others side as you had planned. It seemed as if your friends had all decided to hide themselves away from you both— like they were planning something. Of course, they were.

Blaise fucking Zabini

That idiot talked Professor Flitwick into playing a slow song, one that every couple had to join in on. And while that did sound good at eye view, you had to sign a paper at the begging saying if you coming as a couple or single. And the only people who had signed single to not face embarrassment were the staff—not counting Filch and Mrs. Norris.

Was this real, you being the living cliche of dancing with your enemy?

“If you step on my shoes one more time, I’ll leave you,” he growled into your, tightening his grip on your waist. Yeah, it was.

“What do you think I’ll do? Cry?” You asked in a mocking tone, sticking out your stuck your bottom lip out in a pout to taunt him even further.

Suddenly your front was pressed up against his back— your attention had been else where. Else where being reaching the goal of getting on his last nerve so when a husky voice whispered in your ear, you were shocked.

“Oh don’t act like I haven’t made you cry before.” He turned you back around swiftly, the only thing indicating what had just happened being the proud smirk on his face.

“Says you. Weren’t you the one who cried over a guy asking me out in fifth year?” You challenged, bringing up the incident that happened two years ago.

He hadn’t cried but he might as well have and you just needed something to tick him off for the moment. Whatever he had just did caused something to happened within you, and you weren’t sure if you liked it or not yet.

It was a situation that the blonde deeply wanted to regret—George Weasley asking you out. You and Draco had been finishing up on your work in the courtyard when he had invited himself to sit in between you and Draco and then proceeded to ask you out on a date.

Draco hadn't given you the chance to answer, a new found jealously fueling him to gather both of your things and drag you away from the scene.

He knew the chances were slim that you would reject the boy, and deep down tucked inside of him, Draco knew that the Weasleys were better than him— in some aspects.

Over the years Draco had found himself growing into a separate person from his parents, a person who had could think on their own and didn’t have to rely solely on his parents' truths.

And through that process, he realized that maybe his ideals were not the best out there. Including the way he treated many of his pears even if he was too proud to say it out loud.

That being said, he always stayed up wondering while you stayed. Why’d you even stick with him in the first place. And that’s what Brough him to find out his second greatest fear, loosing you.

Yes, you were insufferable at times, but you were still you. Someone that he liked having around and talking too. And someone that listened to him even if it was something as stupid as why gingers exist and why they shouldn't.

Yes that was an actual conversation that you had. In conclusion, you were a person he loved. But he never did think to tell you that because, why risk losing you over something that was most likely unrequited.

“I was protecting your future y/n. Would you like for your children to come out as gingers,” he spat as if what he had just made complete sense.

“Draco I was fifteen and he was sixteen at the time and we barely ever talked before that because you were always bad-mouthing his family.”

Now that you think of it, he had always been this way about you and boys. It was an ongoing thing where it didn't matter what blood type, what house, which people they associated themselves with, they were always ‘below you and you could find better’.

“Why do you always meddle in my relationships?” You were irritated. Maybe it was the close proximity of your bodies or maybe it was how oblivious he was.

“Meddle? You’ve never even been in a relationship,” he snorted making your point clearer than day.

“Exactly. Why are you so jealous of me wanting to break out of whatever shell we have enclosed over each other? What if I want to branch out and you know, talk to new people?”

Ouch.

It didn’t hurt that you considered him to be somewhat of an enemy, it was your thing—but you didn’t even consider him to be a friend?

“Alright then when about Pansy? I tried to break out of our ‘shell’ as you call it when I started talking to her.”

“Parkinson was not good for you then and now even more. We both know that.”

You weren’t a person who used the word hate. In most times it was used out of anger and would be regretted later on. But Pansy Parkinson? She was very deserving of the title of someone that you hated.

Commenting on someone else’s hair when she had been walking around with a bowl cut for the last last five years? It didn’t make sense to you how she always found a way to put her input in places where it truly wasn’t needed.

“Yeah alright. Then who is good enough for me y/n?”

“Oh I don’t know me,” you mumbled under your breath not expecting him to hear it— but he did.

That’s how you found yourself once again getting dragged away. But this time it was form the great hall to a more private place where none of the ears of Hogwarts could hear you both.

“What do you mean you’re good enough for me?” He asked with more disgust in his tone than wanted, and it crushed you.

You scoffed before going on, “Well I’ve known you since we were in diapers. Would it be so horrible to consider me good enough for you?” You asked watching as some emotion flickered past his eyes.

“I mean I know so many dumb things about you like how you hate the feeling of those sweaters that your mother always buys you and you turn them inside out. And then when she ask if you're wearing them you aren't lying to her face. Do you know how cute that is, that you don’t even harbor the ability to lie to your mum about something as small as that?”

Cute?

“And don’t get me started on how your favorite food is not that ridiculously priced stake that you try convincing people- even me. I know that it’s that tomato soup that your mum makes when you’re sick because it reminds you of being a kid. And guess what? I don’t even let the house elves make it for you when I say that they do—”

“Then who does y/n?” He asked softly while slowly bringing you to be trapped between his arms by one of the thick walls. He always had the suspicion be never thought you’d actually—

“Well I uh- I do it myself because I want it to have the same feeling of home as it always does and I sort of asked your mum the exact details on how to cook it like she does,” you explained peering up to look into his eyes.

“You hate the smell of tomatoes,” he said with a light laugh, it wasn’t out of amusement but pure adoration. Never did he think that you’d actually do that for him— of course, you were there when he was sick but it was more of making fun of his ‘weak immune system’ and throwing tissues at him.

“Well I love you more and don’t pretend like you don’t slip those house elves thank you letter—” You were once again cut off but instead it was by his hand reaching the side of your jaw to look up at him fully.

“Repeat that,” he whispered with a small smirk.

oh no

Tears started to cloud your vision, the realization hitting that you had may just ruin your relationship with your childhood- enemy- friend- frenemy?

“Don’t cry I’m not- I’m not mad at you. I’m happy, unbelievably so. I just need you to repeat exactly what you just said to me,” he said moving both hands to cup your face giving his thumbs access to wipe the liquid from under your eyes.

“I love you Draco and I’m sorry that I ruined this. We could honestly just forget it if you’d like.”

“I don’t want to forget anything. Would it be a surprise if I told you that I loved you back and that I have for a long time?”

Your eyebrows raised in surprise. Was he serious, or was this some sort of sick joke?

Noticing the worries floating around in your head, he gave you a look, one that wordlessly asked that if the next move he was going to make was the right one and that you would both be fine after.

And it was

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[sugarmaplewings-fics]

Touch Starved

Pairing: Bakugou x reader

Warnings: Cursing, sfw fwb dynamic (lmao it’s secret hugging)

A/N:

*heavy breathing* I finally finished it!! I’ve had this request sitting in my inbox for literal months and I’m so sorry, anon, that you had to wait so long 😫. I hope you like what I came up with!

Also I ended up using she/her pronouns a bit towards the end, so if you’d like me to edit it so it has they/them I can repost it! Just let me know :)

-Sugar

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● Bakugou's never been much for physical affection

● Or, at least, so he'd convinced himself

● Even around his family, he found himself shrinking back from hugs

● And anytime one of his friends would try to put an arm around him or pat him on the back, he'd flinch and tense up (Kirishima and Kaminari had a few special privileges, but even they were on thin fucking ice)

● A part of him craved that touch, wished it could last longer

● But his ego always got in the way

● From a young age, he'd viewed acts like this as showing weakness and vulnerability. It's no surprise that by the time he arrives at UA, the longing is a mostly ignorable dull throb

● Until he got to know you

● You were one of the most sickeningly sweet people Bakugou had ever seen, and he despised you

● You were just as bad as that Shitty Hair, if not worse; always grinning and trying to include everyone, even him

● He hated how his eyes seemed to have a mind of their own around you, never letting you leave their gaze when you were around him. He hated how your laugh made his cheeks heat up and his heart pound in his chest. And most of all, he hated when the tips of your fingers would brush against his arm, or when you tried to lean on his shoulder. You truly were the most intolerable of beings

● And it seems like you're even worse today

● Class was about to start and you were talking with Ashido, Kirishima, and Kaminari

● He honestly wasn't even paying attention to the conversation, that is, until he heard his name mentioned

● His red eyes flicked to you, since it had been your voice he'd heard say his name

● You had definitely been trying to get his attention. Now your gaze was directed at him

● "I've never seen you hug anyone, Bakugou," you said, your head tilted slightly as you addressed him

● "The hell does that have to do with anything?" he grumbled, already getting annoyed at the topic of conversation

● "Well, I read the other day that hugs can make you happier! And you always seem so grumpy all the time, so I was wondering if you just needed more hugs."

● You seemed oblivious to the way your classmates were staring at you. Even Bakugou couldn't bring himself to speak, merely glaring at you with a confused, almost offended expression

● Panicking at his lack of response, you bent down and threw your arms around his shoulders. You thought you heard a gasp from one or two of your classmates behind you

● Bakugou seemed to have no reaction other than mild shock. He just froze there, neither pushing you off nor reciprocating

● The whole thing was over within a few seconds, but it felt as though it had actually lasted much, much longer. Seconds after you pulled away, the bell rang for class to start, and everyone had to go back to their seats

● There was an abnormal silence in the class after that. It was as if nearly every student was thinking, Holy crap, (L/N) just hugged Bakugou freaking Katsuki

● Bakugou was weirdly silent too. It seemed as if he hadn't had any reaction at all

● Sike—it was pure chaos inside his head

● He's just been pounded with a whole slew of new feelings and emotions—give the boy a break (and a minute to process)

● He can scarcely pay attention during class (which he can afford to do, it's not like he doesn't already know most of this stuff)

● Katsuki can't tell if he hated it or not

● His immediate instinct is to reject it and say it was awful . . . but he can't deny that there's a teeny tiny part of his brain that wants you to do it again

● No one can ever know this, of course. He has a reputation to maintain, after all

● But in the safety of his own mind, he replays it over and over, trying to remember every detail of how your arms had felt around him for that brief moment

● Boy was hooked on you even more than he had been before

● But it's not like anyone can tell. Bakugou's good at that. No one would ever be able to tell he had any feelings towards the incident at all, negative or positive

● Even after his friends bombard him with questions after class, he gruffly brushes them all off. He acts so uninterestingly about it, they don't even bother asking him about it again

● Bakugou hopes that this will all blow over within the next few days. He'd surely stop thinking about you all the time, right? Maybe somehow, if he ignored these thoughts, his eyes wouldn't trail after you on their own accord, and his mind wouldn't jump at every opportunity to think about you

● For weeks, he told himself this, and time passed to nearly two months. He avoided you at all costs, refusing to speak to you or even make eye contact

● You felt horrible, blaming it on the dumb mistake you'd made to hug him that morning. No matter how hard you tried to approach him to apologize, he'd turn you away, and soon enough, you'd given up

● Until one night, he couldn't take it anymore

● He had just been fantasizing about that moment again, and tentatively wondering how it would feel to put his arms around you while he was out in the dorm hallway

● Even through the haze of his thoughts, he was quick to notice your head of hair about to turn into the hallway to your room

● You. Bubbly, bright, overly touchy and friendly you. Fuck you.

● You were always hugging everyone, right? You didn't really mean anything by it, right? It was no big deal when you hugged other people. So, maybe if he were to just ask . . .

● "Oi."

● You froze in your tracks. You'd caught sight of him in the hall, but you knew better than to try to attract his attention. He was dead set on avoiding you, and you'd pretty much accepted that by now

● Turning, you met his fiery red eyes for the first time in weeks. "Yeah?"

● There was something . . . apprehensive in his expression. You weren't sure if you'd ever seen anything like it on his face before

● "Get over here, I want to ask you something." He shoved his hands in his pockets, shifting his glare to the carpet below him

● Uncertain of what might be going on, you cautiously made your way to him

● "What is it?" you asked, a little annoyed with how he'd been treating you lately

● "I, um, well—remember that thing you did a while ago?"

● You blinked at him, slowly. "I do a lot of things. You need to be more specific."

● You'd never seen him look so flustered. It was almost . . . cute

● "You—um, you hugged me. Remember?"

● Of course you remembered. That was what had made him hate you in the first place, right?

● You sighed and crossed your arms. "Look, I'm sorry I did that. I know it made you uncomfortable and I'm sorry it affected you so much. Really, I was just goofing around, and I'm sorry it got out of hand."

● He blinked at you. You were apologizing? Oh, maybe it did make sense, now that he thought about it. He had been being an ass to you

● "Is that what you wanted?" you asked. "I tried to apologize a long time ago but you wouldn't even look at me—"

● "Could you do it again?" he cut you off

● ". . . apologize?"

● "What?! No!" Bakugou's face reddened and he scanned the surroundings for a potential audience. He dropped his voice to a scarcely audible mumble. "I . . . —dammit, I want you to hug me again."

● You blinked at him, this time in surprise. You had, in fact, heard him, but you could barely believe it. You only knew that you'd understood him correctly by his posture, and how uncharacteristically flustered he was

● "You want another hug?"

● He scowled. "Don't make me say it twice."

● "So you liked it the first time?"

● "I never said that!"

● "Uh-huh."

● Even with your annoyed teasing, you felt as if you might be able to understand a little. Everything seemed to make more sense to you, and you were beginning to catch onto the bigger picture. He'd been embarrassed that he liked it, and that was why he'd been avoiding you

● "So do you want a hug now or—?"

● "Not where anyone could see!" Bakugou's eyes nervously darted around again. "We could . . . go in my room or something." His voice had dropped back to a mumble

● You snorted and rolled your eyes. "Secret hugs, huh? I didn't know I was in such high demand."

● "Shut up, dumbass. Just follow me."

● You do that, letting him lead you into his room. After he shuts the door behind you, you stand there awkwardly for a second

● "So . . . you just wanted a hug?"

● He shrugged. "Yeah."

● You closed the distance between you and took him into your arms

● He stiffened a little at the contact, heart pounding away in his chest. It was even better than he had remembered, and now he noticed even more things; like the way your chest felt pressed against his body, and how your hair smelled like shampoo, and—

● "Relax, idiot," you whispered beside his ear. Bakugou tried to let out some of the tension in his shoulders and even tried looping his own arms around you

● You snickered internally, until a thought struck you

● When you finally pulled away, you looked at him inquisitively. "When was the last time you hugged someone?" you asked. "Other than me."

● He frowned, still a little flustered. Then he shrugged. "I don't know. It's probably been a few years."

● You couldn't help but feel your heart pang a little bit for the boy. You knew how he felt about interacting with people. You'd seen how adverse he'd seemed towards physical interaction, even among his friends

●Touch starved, you thought. It was an awful thing to experience. Bakugou probably wasn't even aware of what he was missing

● You sighed. "We can do this again if you want," you offered, wondering if the proposition would set him off to ignore you again. "I won't tell anyone."

● "Better not," he muttered under his breath

● "Do you want me to come back or not?" you asked

● He shrugged. "S'whatever. Do whatever."

● You frowned right back at him. "Yes. Or no?"

● "Yes! Yes, come over here and hug me or whatever shit! Just—just leave now."

● You rolled your eyes at him, turning and twisting the doorknob. "Just ask when you're ready," you said before walking out of his room again

● Bakugou stared at the door for a long time after you'd left

● His chest felt like it had little explosions going off in it, and he couldn't help but feel ridiculously giddy

● What was he doing? But it had felt . . . amazing. And you'd offered to do it again, whenever he asked . . . .

● . . . You proved to stand by your word

● Sure enough, he'd catch you alone every few days and sneak off to his room for a quick hug. In return, he'd help you go over your notes for class

● Before long, you couldn't help but feel closer to Bakugou. Even with his harsh nature, you noticed how he could really be. Coupled with the moments of vulnerability he'd let you in on while you hugged in secret, your liking for the boy only grew

● And it did seem to have some effect on his mood. He wasn't so easily set off, and he yelled a bit less. Your fellow classmates didn't bring up the change, but they had certainly noticed it

● Even though no one was allowed to know about your shared moments together, Kirishima would often join you for a study session

● During those days, you'd wait until he left before going in to give Bakugou his hug

● Until the inevitable happened

● It was just you and Bakugou in his room. You'd gotten all your stuff packed up for the night and you were giving him one last hug

● He'd gotten better at it over the past couple of weeks, and he'd learned to relax more into your hold

● Of course, that was right when Kirishima came back in

● "Sorry, dude, I left my—" He froze at the sight before him

● Bakugou jumped back from you, trying to look as though it wasn't obvious what he'd just been doing

● "Sorry, guys!" he said, hovering in the doorway for a moment as he debated whether or not to grab whatever he'd forgotten before dashing back out. Ultimately he decided to go emptyhanded, slamming the door shut as he whisked back into his room

● You looked at Bakugou, trying to gauge how he'd taken this turn of events. He looked angry and flustered (a look on him you were starting to get used to), but he definitely could have looked more outraged

● You patted his back. "Are you okay?"

● The blond seemed speechless for once, unable to take his eyes off the door

● "It's just Kirishima," you assured him. "He'd get it. He's understanding."

● Bakugou wasn't so sure

● A few minutes after you left, there was another knock at Bakugou's door

● "What the hell do you want?"

● Kirishima poked his head in, making sure the coast was clear. "I just wanted my notebook back."

● Bakugou picked it up from his desk and launched it at Kirishima's head, which he barely managed to catch

● "Thanks, man." Even with his originally sought after item, the redhead proceeded to step into his friend's room. "So what's going on with you and (L/N)?"

● There it was, the question Bakugou knew was coming

● "Nothing." At least it wasn't a complete lie

● "No, you two were doing something," Kirishima smirked. "Are you dating in secret or something?"

● "What?! No! It's not like that! And besides, it's none of your fucking business."

● Kirishima shrugged. "That's fair. But if you're not dating, why was she hugging you?"

● Bakugou tched. "She hugs everyone, you know her."

● "Yeah, but you were hugging her back."

● "She just gives really nice hugs!"

● Kirishima pouted. "You never hug me."

● "That's because it's different!"

● "So does that mean you like her or something?"

● Bakugou froze for just a split second too long. "No."

● Kirishima gave him a look. "She might like you back. Just ask her out on a date."

● "I already said it wasn't like that—"

● Bakugou's friend shrugged. "Well, if it was . . . couldn't hurt to try."

● Once Kirishima was successfully kicked from Bakugou's room, he took a moment to think. Could he actually . . . like you? Maybe that would explain some of the things that he'd been feeling lately

● But what about you? Could you like him back?

● Bakugou rolled his shoulders. Of course you'd like him, what part of him wasn't perfect? But still . . . .

● One night a few days later, you were alone with Bakugou again in his room, doing homework together

● You couldn't help but notice that his vibe seemed off, and it looked like he was having trouble concentrating

● "Are you alright?" you finally asked him

● "Yeah," he snapped

● "You seem stressed," you commented.

● "I'm not fucking stressed," he said, refusing to meet your eyes as he glared at his notebook in front of him

● "Okay, then," you muttered, rolling your eyes to yourself and attempting to go back to your own notes

● You watched Bakugou fidget from the corner of your eye, but decided not to pay it any mind anymore. It wasn't long before you noticed that he hadn't turned a page in his book for the past several minutes

● Bakugou was, of course, internally raging

● Why couldn't he ask you a simple question? Did he even know what kind of question he wanted to ask, though?

●Go out on a date with me— too forward, it didn't sound right to him in his head

●For some reason, I think I might like you— no again, that wasn't right either

● His mind rolled over various phrasings, trying to figure out how to put his feelings to words. How was he supposed to do that?

● How could he iterate this weird burning mess he felt clawing in his chest every time he looked at you and touched you? How could he say that he wanted more than what you were doing? How was he supposed to get the reaction out of you that he wanted?

●Be fearless, he told himself. He'd faced worse than this before. He'd been through situations where his life had literally been on the line. How come you, of all people, made him feel more frightened than ever before? Why did he care about your opinion of him so goddamn much??

● He had to start somewhere. Maybe once he got going it would be easier

● "Oi," he said, straining to keep his voice steady and nonchalant as you looked up at his averted eyes

● "Yeah?"

● "I was . . . I was wondering if maybe you wanted to . . . study somewhere else sometime."

● You blinked at him. "Like . . . where?"

● He shrugged, just a bit too jerkily. "I don't know. There's this café a few blocks from campus."

● You squinted at him. "What's wrong with staying here?"

● He scowled, his eyes finally darting up to meet yours before dipping back down again. "I just wondered if we could maybe—do something together. Something a little different."

● A hint of realization dawned on you, causing a smile to alight on your lips and your eyebrow to quirk up. "Different like—a date? Are you asking me out on a date with you?"

● He shrugged again in the same manner, still scowling as he muttered, "Only if you want it to be."

● You considered for a moment. He was a decent enough guy. If you were being completely honest with yourself, you might say you'd developed a bit of a crush on him, actually. You'd never paid too much attention to it before, but now that he was asking . . . it couldn't hurt to try

● "Of course I'll go out with you," you said, breaking into an easy smile that Bakugou still wasn't certain if he adored or hated

● He immediately relaxed, a small smile of his own appearing on his face at your agreement

● He was glad it was you. You were the only person he felt comfortable being vulnerable around. He could already tell that he was growing to like you more and more with each passing day, and he could only hope that you felt the same

● You put up with him, and you were strong in your own way, and by goodness, he was beginning to fall for you so hard

● And maybe, if you agreed for him to be your boyfriend, you'd let him cuddle with you. It wouldn't be awkward, because that's what couples did. You'd be his and he'd be yours, and he wouldn't have to bottle up these annoying feelings anymore

● But that would be decided at some later time

● Even so, he couldn't wait for that day to come

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Taglist: @basicaegyo​ @fourteenow @iiminibattlehero​ @katsugay​ @nabo39​ @pyrofanatic​​ @sendhelpimstupid​ @xoxopam4​​

[local-ground-apple]

May I request for headcanons with the dorm leader and a f!reader who’s scared of people and always have her guards up? How would they win her over? (I’m so sorry if this is way too much and if this is the wrong place to ask for requests)

It’s not too much and it’s a good place to ask for requests. Hope you will like it~!

I swear I don’t know why Vil and Azul are so long..

♥️ probably scared you with his tantrums and quick temper

♥️ and probably scared you even more with strict rules imposed on students,

♥️ at first Riddle had absolutely no clue how to approach you, you always seemed rather anxious and cautious around him and he didn’t like it at all. Eventually, he asks Trey for some advices on how to get closer to you,

♥️ now he’s making sure you’re not near before he ruthlessly scolds and punishes students or has an outburst of anger,

♥️ Riddle tries to control his emotions around you and talk in rather pleasant voice, sometimes may turn a blind eye if you break one, seemingly insignificant rule, even though he’s screaming internally,

♥️ asks you, how was your day and oftne starts small talks with you. Riddle even offers to help you with subjects you don’t excel at, which slowly makes you warm up to him and gradually builds your trust,

♥️ when you feel more comfortable in his company, he invites you for tea parties where just the two of you eat strawberry tarts and talk in pleasant ambiance (Riddle shamelessly denies it being a date and refers to it as friendly meeting, keep telling that to yourself)

♥️ Riddle is the listener and he tries hard not to push your barriers, he’s always there to listen to your problems and is more than willing to offer you a solution,

💛 he certainly enjoys a good chase and is up for the challenge, he’s not the type to easily give up. Leona is a predator after all and you happened to be considered a prey,

💛 since you always have your guard up around others, he finds your mysterious and unapproachable aura completely endearing, Leona wants to be the only one to whom you will open up

💛 he acts more than he talks, so at first expect that lazy lion to actually put some effort – he will intimidate people you’re scared of, will carry your bag if you happen to walk in the same direction as him without even asking for your permission or he would invite you to his table in canteen,

💛 when he realises his approach doesn’t work that well and you’re still slightly intimidated by him, Leona will change his strategy,

💛 since you don’t want to be open, then he won’t be forcing you. Leona decides to show you an example. He opens up to you, tells you his honest thoughts without beating around the bush – which actually works and makes you gradually trust him more and more, 

💛 Leona is not rushing you or putting any pressure on you, after all hunts are not supposed to be easy and end so rapidly,

💙 his tentacle senses began tingling when he spotted you. His greedy and calculating self was looking for a perfect moment to get you to sign a contract. You had heard rumours about his fishy deals and after Floyd personally and brutally invaded your comfort zone, you swore to yourself your feet would never step in Mostro Lounge again. It led to you having absolutely no trust in him and basically running away at a mere sight of the twins,

💙 if you were scared of people before, now you were terrified and your guards were even higher than always. You promised yourself to be extra cautious around Azul,

💙 Azul can partially understand you, he doesn’t like feeling vulnerable either and usually has hard time opening to others and prefers to keep things to himself, yet it doesn’t mean he will go easy on you,

💙 after your brief meeting when you politely refused a contract, Azul actually gives you time, he doesn’t seem pushy or overbearing. You don’t see him or Leech twins for extended period of time. After a while you began to feel less anxious and your body isn’t in constant “fight or flight” mode, that’s when Azul steps in.

💙 gets paired with you in poison class, completely accidentally, much to your discontent. Azul leaves you surprised by how respectful he is, not putting any pressure on you and helping you with task. He gently asks about your opinion and listens to you, which leaves you stunned,

💙 you don’t warm that easily to him, having at the back of your mind all the horrible rumours about him. Azul is a great manipulator. While he was seemingly giving you time, Leech twins were busy collecting any information about you, which could be helpful in the future. Soon, Azul adapts his responses to your reactions, slowly making you lower your guard in his company,

💙 offers you a small favour, without any contract and wants nothing in return. You were suspicious, he keeps his promise, which makes you slightly warm up to him, Azul views that as investment in the future and he is more than willing to make another favour,

💙 just one day Azul will return to collect your outstanding debt,

💙 if he doesn’t manage to woo you with his manners, clever tricks, then surely, he can do it through a contract, right?

🧡he is open and friendly with everyone and his bright and energetic personality scared you a bit at first. His presence was a bit overbearing to you and you couldn’t believe you would find such a kind soul in this school,

🧡 Jamil had to explain to him, why you may not want to open up to new people and have trust issues, after that he would change his approach,

🧡 Kalim wants to gain your trust and become your friend, before he would try to woo you, he doesn’t want to blow his chances with you, so he takes things slow,

🧡 soon you learn that he’s genuinely friendly and cheerful and he’s not trying to be someone he isn’t,

🧡 Kalim talks openly with you, doesn’t hide anything about himself and is more than happy to share some histories about his past with you

🧡 often tells you that he appreciates time you spend with him and how this relationship is important to him,

🧡 gradually, your conversations began to flow more easily and naturally and you find yourself opening a little,

🧡 eventually, his bright personality wins you over

💜 Vil thinks highly of himself and is sure that making you fall for him would be easy-peasy. After all, who wouldn’t want to date him? Isn’t he such a perfect lover? He knows, it’s just a matter of time before you let your guard down and fall head over heels for him,

💜 sends Rook to discreetly gather some crucial information about you, he wants to understand why are you cautious and don’t you want to trust others. After finding a cause, Vil is more than happy to impose the best (in his opinion) solution and solve your issues. You won’t even notice his attempts,

💜 Vil is an excellent actor. After learning more about you and analysing your personality with Rook, he will adjust his words, gestures to your reactions. He always creates a perfect ambiance for your talks and seems to be empathizing with you. But you will never know which sugar-coated word was his true self.

💜 makes you believe that he leads the conversations with you, while having the intention of fully listening to you. Soon, you’re convinced that he’s a reliable person in whose company you can speak without feeling judged or embarrassed. After all, doesn’t he seek to understand you?

💜 Vil judges you internally, although in your eyes, he’s a very encouraging and supportive person. He helps you adjust in this completely new word and initially he isn’t harsh to you, as he is with Epel. He showers you in compliments, builds your self-esteem and makes you feel appreciated in his company. After all, Vil is going to fix your any imperfection after you eventually becomes his.

💜 if you reject him despite his relentless efforts, special addition to your apple or an old-fashioned love potion should make you fall for him,

🖤 oh boy, he is rather scared of people, often avoiding them at all cost and now he wants to overcome your barriers you had set around you and win you over?

🖤 it’s going to be a tough challenge, Idia himself is not sure whether he can overcome it,

🖤 feels very awkward whenever he tries to get out of his comfort zone and approach you, so he practically doesn’t leave it. You’re not sure how many times you had seen him leaving his dorm, yet alone his room,

🖤 you both share a lot in common, so he perfectly understands why you may have trust issues and don’t want to open up so easily,

🖤 Idia gives you (and mostly himself) quite a lot of time and if he finally gathers lasting remains of his practically non-existing courage, he will message you,

🖤 most of your conversations would be online. Surprisingly to you, they don’t feel awkward or forced, you both enjoy them, slowly warming up to each other,

🖤 eventually you would take your relationship from Internet to real life,

💚 he is a patient fae, so he gives you as much time as you need to warm up to him. Your mistrust and fear of people, as well as having your guards up all the time is understandable to him. 

💚 Malleus is not exactly an open person with a vast circle of friends. Besides, most of Diasomnia students are also cautious and discreet, so he is rather accustomed to it and doesn’t find you weird,

 💚 He doesn’t mind walking in the forest with you in complete silence and doesn’t even find it awkward,

💚 Malleus is elated when you gradually become more comfortable in his company, he always makes sure you’re feeling alright and is a great listener. You could spend hours rabbiting on how your day was awful and he would be there to hear it. You have his full and undivided attention,

💚 always tells you how much he appreciates time spent with you and how much this relationship means to him, 

💚 appreciates every piece of information you share about yourself and in return does the same. Generally sooner or later, you both help subconsciously help each other open up and before you even realise, you start to develop feelings for your kind Tsunotarou,