stepfamily-guru-blog

[stepfamily-guru-blog]

[stepfamily-guru-blog]

[stepfamily-guru-blog]

Resources for Stepfamilies

National Stepfamily Resource Center

The Stepfamily Foundation inc.

Helpguide.org

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[stepfamily-guru-blog]

6 steps to have successful blended family

1 Usually blended families assume that everyone in the family will  get along which is not always the case. A way to fix this is for the step parent to get to know everyone individually . This is important because the stepparent gets to know  what makes the child happy or angry and it shows the child that you truly care for them as well. This will help form strong bond as well. This allows stepparent to find common interests like sports and  tv shows.

2 Supporting children in their transitions, this is very important because  transition stage bring a lot of emotion. Showing the child that you care by listening to their issue goes a long way. To do this it is important to set up free time in which the child can come talk to you about their  feelings.

3 Having a sense humor can get you along way. If there is ever tension amongst the family laughter is a great way to destress everything out. Playing around with stepchildren to see what they like or what makes them laugh. Some games that can unite families through laughter Hide and Seek, wrestling,  and tag.

4 Having someone to talk to. As a stepparent you are going to get overwhelmed . So it is important that you have someone you can talk to as a way to get rid of stress. It is good to talk to someone outside your family about the stress you are dealing with at home because they won't judge or say their input. Also during these talk session it is important for the stepparent to get everything off their chest.

5.Find activities that unite the family as one such as camping  or hiking on the weekends. Becoming a coach on your stepchildren sports team so you get to know them better.

6. Always speak of the other biological parent with respect. No matter how angry you are do not disrespect the parent this will cause the children to lose interest in you immediately. Children lose respect when they see their parents bad mouthing one another, so to have them on your side try avoid any disrespect to the parents.

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[stepfamily-guru-blog]

So my wife lets her kids run the house. How do I change this? I know they aren't my biological kids and I'm the new stepdad but shouldn't I be able to have some order in the house?

Just like there’s the evilstepmother myth there is also the dominating stepdad stigma. When you got intothe marriage you probably didn’t ask your now-wife “well how are we going torun the house?” because she probably already had a system in place. Now thatyou are witnessing how she, or rather the children, run things you realize youprobably should have brought it up at some point earlier. In order to getthings to change you must first start with talking to your partner. Your wife,perhaps unnoticed, doesn’t realize that she is the primary person in the house.As long as she allows the children to do whatever they want, they will continueto run the house. She needs to share the power with you and hear yourperspective on how you want the house to run. If you decide to make rules thenyou’ll become that evil stepdad and the children will become resistant to you,potentially creating more problems. Research has shown that “stepfathers varyin their agreement with a set of statements about appropriate stepparenting”and that “stepfathers are expected to be friendly and to be supportive of the motherbut not to act as the child’s primary disciplinarian”. You are not the only onewith this issue so there is definitely a solution to this problem!

Our advice to you is to work withyour wife to make slow but continuous changes. It is key that she understandsyou so that you both can agree to make specific changes. When the children seeyou and your wife as a united force they will understand that this isn’t justthe “enemy” making changes in their house but both their mom and stepdad. Itwas once said “the couples bond is the glue that holds the family togetherwhile it has time to develop”. Take this quote into consideration next time yousee yourself disagreeing with your wife about situations involving thechildren. Being a stepdad is not an easy job and we acknowledge you wanting tocreate a better environment in the house.

[stepfamily-guru-blog]

[stepfamily-guru-blog]

Stepfamilies Clinical Challenges

Couples entering marriage with children from a previous relationship encounter increased demands that often result in  tension and conflict. Usually blended families hope for a second chance, but struggle to get it due to negativity, increased conflict and no family bonds. Tension is normally seen between stepparents and stepchildren. Usually remarried couple attempts to foster a new family  identity are met with resistance because children feel that they are being forced to choose a side.

A second challenge in stepfamilies work is clarifying boundries within remarried family. Conflict starts to arise as a remarried couple navigates the co parenting demands of former spouses and the expectation of biological  children. Children often   feel alone because they are not getting the attention they need. As stepfamilies are caught between past family ties and the new commitment, the remarried couple is both  highly vulnerable  and highly significant  to the stepfamilies development

The third challenges step families faces is the integration of differing developmental needs.  Usually in step families stepparents may join a family where all the children are going through the teenage development  and may feel that he is not responsible for this and will not participate in it. this can lead to conflict because you are putting all this pressure on one parent which is not fair to them at all. Another issues is that your ideas to dealing with this developments stage may conflict with the biological parent ideas

Furrow, J., P.H.D., & Palmer, G., M.S.W. (2007). EFFT AND BLENDED FAMILIES:         BUILDING BONDS FROM THE INSIDE OUT. Journal of Systemic Therapies, 26(4),

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Why should we care?

3 out of every 4 people who go through a divorce eventually get remarried 

1/2 of all the marriages today include a second marriage for one of the partners

65% of remarriages include children from a prior marriage on at least one side 

1 out of every 4 blended families is cohabitating 

More than 1/2 of all Americans either have been or will be in a blended family

40% of married couples with children in the US are forming blended families right now

Step-dads are more common than step-moms

1 in 4 blended family relationships will seek counseling before wedding

Marriage education is effective in promoting the quality and stability of a marriage

Less than 1/2 of blended families read articles about what it means to be a step-parent or advice about remarriage 

2,100 blended families will form every day in the United States

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Yes I started bawling like a baby when I watched this.

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Setting the stage

In order to help the growing number of stepfamilies, we must first learn about these families. It’s important to note that many of the articles we found were relatively new- the earliest article found was published in 1954. For years the traditional, nuclear family was a father, mother, and two children (and pet). As gender roles and society has evolved, this picture perfect family has drastically changed. The number of single parents is increasing, as is the divorce rate. Younger people are starting to prioritize jobs and independence instead of getting married and starting a family after high school. This reason, among others, have created “stepfamilies” and “blended families”*.

So what does research have to say about these families? To begin with, stepfamilies are more prominent than any other family type. What makes these families unlike any other is that they have already established roles, boundaries, and responsibilities. The challenge here is to combine these roles, boundaries, and responsibilities among each family member. Here is a list of just some of the things parents should expect:

Martital transition: While you are a parent you are also a newly wed. For some of you, being a parent is what you have known for a while and may forget that you are also starting a new life with someone else. It can be easy to have your mind preoccupied with the transition your child is going through but don’t forget about your new partner!

Creating new family identity: Think of it this way- what would happen if McDonalds and Dunkin Donuts had to join companies? Each restaurant has their own customers (family members), their way of making food (every day activities), and company guidelines (family rules). It would take a while for the company to establish their new brand.  

Children may “choose sides”: Movies like “The Parent Trap” show that children can sometimes choose who’s side to stick to during the divorce/new marriage. As parents, you must choose what kind of relationship to have with your child whether it be by showing you accept the new partner or making sure that you are present in their life even if you don’t live together.

Clarifying boundaries: Whether you are becoming a first time parent or becoming a stepparent your marriage is also a co-parenting relationship. It’s important to be open and have constant communication about how to parent the children and show the power and discipline.

Loss of a family member: Like with any new beginnings, there is also a loss. Both the children and parent are essentially letting go of that other parent so it is okay to be nostalgic.

Varying developmental needs: One important concept that we the authors have learned through our field is the family life cycle. What this cycle essentially shows is that each individual person in a family is going through their own independent development and as a unit the family goes through launching adulthood, retirement, and other stages. Even though a parent is fully aware of the changes their own child goes through, a stepparent should be mindful of their stepchild’s development.

 *In this blog we use the terms stepfamilies and blended families interrelated. However, technically stepfamilies are a parent with their biological child and the new partner and blended families are the joining parents with their own biological child joining together.

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[stepfamily-guru-blog]

The ex-wife made it very difficult for me to even be a friend to these children. Before I married my ex, I made a point of talking to her and letting her know that I was not going to replace her as their mother, badmouth her as the mother and always look after her children’s best interests. After all, when you marry a man with children, you marry their children as well.

The Post-Divorce Chronicles (via erniehatmaker-blog)

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[stepfamily-guru-blog]

NEW ERA

Hello all and welcome to our blog!

This blog is made up of two Montclair State University students! We both hold degrees in Family Child Studies with a concentration in School Settings         (Nii Amon) and Family Services (Alex).

We hope to help families through this blog so feel free to ask us any questions about step-families and parenting these blended families :)