snowstormballoon-blog

[snowstormballoon-blog]

I'm dealing with depression. Not my own, my girlfriends. It's bad and it's not helping my case of how I feel about life. If the earth did explode, that would make everything better.

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Suicide Poem for High School

I talked about this poem in my first blog post here

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You better check yourself for all life's effects.

It could be time for you to die next.

Expect no return.

If you're bad for all eternity you will burn

Next in line you're the one to shine

Your soul is captured.

You're ready to go.

You committed some sins in life.

And you dont know where you're gonna flow.

Vases of black flowers in my mind.

The happiness I cant find why bother continuing.

I'll just go and never look behind.

Forget you

Forget me

Forget all mankind.

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Answered Questions: More Needed

So I read an article and decided to see how I match up with it.

Dissecting An Article: How it relates to me:   X_______ARTICLE__________X

Characteristics of Emotional Intelligence Daniel Goleman, an American psychologist, developed a framework of five elements that define emotional intelligence:   Self-Awareness – People with high emotional intelligence are usually very self-aware. They understand their emotions, and because of this, they don't let their feelings rule them. They're confident – because they trust their intuition and don't let their emotions get out of control.   They're also willing to take an honest look at themselves. They know their strengths and weaknesses, and they work on these areas so they can perform better. Many people believe that this self-awareness is the most important part of emotional intelligence.   Self-Regulation – This is the ability to control emotions and impulses. People who self-regulate typically don't allow themselves to become too angry or jealous, and they don't make impulsive, careless decisions. They think before they act. Characteristics of self-regulation are thoughtfulness, comfort with change, integrity, and the ability to say no.

+::::::::::ME::::::::::+

 I am very self away, being shy and not speaking brings me to two things, one which is my mind is elsewhere , or two it’s the ability to concentrate more on someones emotions. If I think of myself, I tend to wonder through my brain as to why I feel the way that I do at the point in time. I’m one who doesn't like to show negative emotion as I find it embarrassing and to myself, weak. I also feel embarrassed when I show too much joy. It’s almost like i have mental meters that if the feeling of joy reaches a certain level I’m no longer just in that moment, I am trying to act like I’m filled with joy. There is something about me that just doesn’t let me feel total emotion without a mental security guard questioning everything and telling me what to do. There have many numerous times where I could have flipped out in any way, but with my self control I have kept those emotions in. Those emotions are more likely kept in and never dealt with. I am willing to take an honest look at myself, everyone should do. Understanding your emotions now and your emotions in the past might help you in the future. That’s what this evaluation is all about.     X_______ARTICLE__________X Motivation – People with a high degree of emotional intelligence are usually motivated. They're willing to defer immediate results for long-term success. They're highly productive, love a challenge, and are very effective in whatever they do.    

+::::::::::ME::::::::::+

  I don't believe I’m too motivated, I guess I could say I am normal in that degree. I’m not highly productive, but I do like to give myself challenges and little projects to do. Not so much physical projects but mental. Nothing deep just like to be creative sometimes. If I really put my mind to something I could do it but that's just like everyone else.

X_______ARTICLE__________X

Empathy – This is perhaps the second-most important element of emotional intelligence. Empathy is the ability to identify with and understand the wants, needs, and viewpoints of those around you. People with empathy are good at recognizing the feelings of others, even when those feelings may not be obvious. As a result, empathetic people are usually excellent at managing relationships, listening, and relating to others. They avoid stereotyping and judging too quickly, and they live their lives in a very open, honest way.

+::::::::::ME::::::::::+

I am very empathic, even though I might not be able to give advice to those who need it because I am either not familiar with their topic or my low self esteem and lack of confidence forbids me from speaking. I really like when people ask me for advice, or come to me just to talk, I might not be able to remember every detail but I get the picture and I’m just happy enough to be thought of to be someone talks to. Judging is something we all do, when seeing a person you are instantly doing so in some way or another rather you like to or not. It’s instinct identifying things.

X_______ARTICLE__________X

Social Skills – It's usually easy to talk to and like people with good social skills, another sign of high emotional intelligence. Those with strong social skills are typically team players. Rather than focus on their own success first, they help others develop and shine. They can manage disputes, are excellent communicators, and are masters at building and maintaining relationships. +::::::::::ME::::::::::+

I lack in this department, I think too much of the bubble I am in with the persons around me. My attempt of conversation is not the greatest with people I am just meeting for the first time. It’s small talk that annoys me, the idea of telling them what I do for a living, where I live, learning about their occupations and places of living does not interest me If I know I’m probably not going to see them again, even If I do it will be a while from now so this conversation is just go to end up “Hey, you were at this place at this time I remember you” which will then lead to a convo about that night and an up to date on our jobs and homes. I’m not a social butterfly, I may even take a backseat with people I know well just because I think way too much on what I should be doing. “ummm, I could be in this conversation with those two but I’m sure they dont care what I have to say” My stories, if I tell any, are usually interrupted (atleast once) which ruins my flow of the story telling leaving it uninteresting as I’m telling it. That’s a reason why I might be so shy, it’s because I dont think I have anything exciting, or interesting to say.. or I don't others wont think it would be interesting.. I dont so much ignore people on purpose, it’s just my mind doesn’t let me get into conversations without my Mental Security Guards bothering me. I have always felt less than others, just a leaf outside up against a wall and every now and then the wind will take me to a conversation but I just feel like I’m flying around people annoying them or giving them a lackluster version of what I wish to see myself as. I am not that social person that could talk for hour with people. At work, I am in an environment that I have gotten used to in five years and I am very comfortable with the people I work with there. I look at myself as a comedic relief, I don't think, I just say. I’m in the element I wish to be in outside of work. I think it’s because there I assume people look at me as this very color full personality that might not be on the top of the food chain there. I’m not someone who is asked to build something, or to figure certain things out. I dont care what most people think of me, If someone thinks negative of me, or might say something and for some reason it gets to me, it’s because they

If anyone here on tumblr has questions to help me, go for it! If you did read this then thank you!!!

[snowstormballoon-blog]

I MIGHT NEED YOUR HELP!

I am going to do a self evaluation on my life, how I was when I was a kid, how i was when i was a teenager. Some weird stuff happened in my teenage years, I at the time called them demons and I NEVER had anyone to talk to. I didnt know that I could get help, never even thought of it.

I am going to send some questions to friends I used to hang out with. This is mostly going to involve the people during my teenage years when shit really got complicated.

What questions should I ask myself? And what questions should I ask my friends? i have some ideas but if anyone wants to help, id appreciate it.

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IM SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING WHICH CANT BE FOUND

BUT IM HOPING.

-Peter Steel

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me.

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I like to write my pain..

for some reason i enjoy reading my agony.

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If you are adopted..

and feel like your alone, or lost.. or anything like that.. lets talk.

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In time I will be posting songs that I listened to alot while I did my poems. Nostalgia and sadness combination.

Type O Negative - Black No. 1

I went looking for trouble and boy - i found her She's in love with herself - she likes the dark on her milk white neck - the Devil's mark Now it's all Hallows Eve - the moon is full will she trick or treat - i bet she will she will - happy halloween - baby She's got a date at midnight - with Nosferatu oh baby, Lilly Munster - ain't got nothing on you Well when i called her evil - she just laughed well cast that spell on me - boo witch craft Yeah you wanna go out 'cause it's raining and blowing you can't go out 'cause your roots are showing dye em black - dye em black Black black black black No. 1 black black black black No. 1 Little wolf skin boots - and clove cigarettes an erotic funeral - for witch she's dressed her perfume smells like - burning leaves everyday is halloween Yeah you wanna go out 'cause it's raining and blowing you can't go out 'cause your roots are showing dye em black - dye em black Black black black black No. 1 she dyes em black black black black No. 1 Loving you - loving you - love love loving you was like loving the dead loving you - loving you love love loving you was like - loving the dead Loving you was like loving the dead - loving you was like loving the dead - loving you was like loving the dead was like loving the dead - was like loving the dead - was like loving the dead Sacre bleu Loving you - loving you - love love loving you was like loving the dead - was like fucking the dead loving you was like loving the dead - loving you was like loving the dead - loving you was like loving the dead - was like loving the dead loving you - loving you - loving you - loving you - loving you - loving you was like loving the dead was like loving the dead was like loving the dead Black black black black No. 1 she dyes it black black black black No. 1 Ooh yeah Black black black black No. 1 black black black black No. 1

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Hey Mystery Passenger, Why do I feel so lost?

- Adoption - Feeling Alone - Confused - Sad - Life / Death - Questions -

Fucking useless is what I am feeling, always lost, cant find my way. WHERE am I trying to go? Is the answer right in front of my face? Answers is in my head? Why am I trying to make myself depressed right now? I know, so I can write down all this stupid fucking darkness I have inside of me down so I can read it over and over till I find some more answers. Perhaps I may never find the real answer, this isn't a fucking movie, I'll never have an amazing story about my finding me birth mother, or my birth father. Things that I do, things that I think... My adoption information says he was from Ireland... as I get older I question that. I question so many things I cant just let this go!

Whos eyes do I have?

Whos nose do I have?

Which one has red hair?

I never liked alcohol, do any of them hate alcohol?

I can swim for hours a day, did they like swimming?

Do any of them sleep walk like I do?

Do they have depression?

Were they athletic, unlike me?

What grades did they get? Were they smart?

Are they tall?

Was I an accident of a one night stand?

Was it an affair?

Am I a product of rape?

What the fuck happend that night??

Is it good that I dont know my birth family health history?

Do alot of adopted kids grow up not feeling like they fit in with their family?

What if my wife can't have a child, will I ever meet my own blood?

Will I ever find them?

Will I ever get the strength to look further?

When I am at family get together, rather it be holidays, weddings, funerals, people look at photos and compare who looks like who, where my cousins got most of their looks. I stand there feeling uncomfortable, awkward, I feel as though during the conversation people in their mind realize that I dont look like anyone so they might not know what to say.. and if they did say I looked like someone it's a coincidence, or its a pity compliment. When someone says I look like a celebrity, I want to look like that celebrity, I used to look like Dawson from Dawsons Creek, so I tried to look like him more, or Nick Carter, a while ago it was another actor, why is it all so important? I have had a great life, with a great family so why as I get older, care and stress more about the people who actually made me?

ALL MY LIFE I HAVE FELT LIKE I WAS AN OUTSIDER, LIKE I DID NOT BELONG. I get older I realize that more, yes I am shy that might be because I was an only child, I was quiet in school for the most part... lately I think more about this because I am an adult and this is where I have to socialize, be one with a group. I have ALWAYS felt misplaced with family gatherings, whenever the family would talk about family history I felt like I DONT HAVE A FAMILY HISTORY.

Is this going to be difficult if me and my wife adopt?

Will I feel like he is someone else s kid, like I often felt?

I love my parents, I just dont think I have a connection that others have with their parents, grandparents ect..

I love looking at open hills touching the sky. Something about that open field brings me somewhere. I have created this world in my head, that only exists in my mind and nowhere else. This place is a long field, endless with woods on each side of this grassy hilly eternal path. I walk around and I feel memories.. mostly sad but with relief. I dont understand it. I have thought, why not just die? It does not matter what you do on this planet, everyone is destined to die. It doesn't matter if you invented so many important things that people still use today. It does not matter what you are and what impact you had while living you end up dead. YOU DIE. Pictures, videos, things you've made might still be around forever but thats all. You become history, you did your time and now you are gone. How fucking depressing is that?

I do hope the world ends, that way there is no more suffering. There is no more EMOTIONS. No more troubles. I have that same mentality when I'm at my saddest and when I am at my happiest.

Do I feel this way because I feel so lost?

Why do I have always questioned any pride I might of had?

Why do I have trouble with labels?

If I'm special, what makes me?

If I was given up, how would my life be?

Would I still have the same interests?

Same dark thoughts?

I dont think I'd be writing in this blog If I wasn't adopted. This might be a huge reason why I tortured my mind as a teenager...

Or maybe my teenage years just fucked me over big time. I never talked about the feelings I had. I never knew how to deal with it, had no help. Writing about it helped alot, I was smart enough to do at least that. Also, my dad wrote poetry and still does. I have done many poems... did I get that from him or is that a coincidence? He never showed me poems though.

I wish I could cry right now, I hated crying I always thought of a bridge I either went over when I was kid writing in my moms car, or that bridge only existed in my dream and whenever I cry I go back to that bridge, back in time.

I don't want to go to bed, its 3:58 right now its I never stay up this late. I did when I was a teenager, this is where how I express myself without being interrupted.

I am hoping I have a dream of the past tonight since these dark memories are consuming my mind at the tired state that I am in.

Lets hope.

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Dear Mystery Passenger, this is a poem I did, believe it was high school 2003-2005 maybe.

During the time I did this poem, I drove alone to the house I grew up in till the age of 6. Just thinking of life and how fucked up it is, how fucked up the mind can make you, how far it can take you. Each time I'd mention god, it didnt seem right.. I think I tried to believe that whole religion was real so I can make more sense of things.. but I dont believe in that. I just used demons to describe my mental issues.

This was a short post just to share a poem I did. I have many more but from years before.

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Dear Mystery Passenger,

- Different Schools - Teenage Depression - Poems - Darkness - Friendless - My first blog of with this account. I have had many dark times as a teenager, which I am sure we all have. I have always had a need to connect with myself with music, not necessary the lyrics that convey a certain message but its the deep sound that strikes something in me, it's that eerie sound in the song that captures me. I am big on nostalgia, have always been because for some reason I have to feel as though I am back to earlier times. I don't understand why, I might as well be a ghost with unfinished business. You would think something tragic happened to me when I was younger but there is not a defining moment in my life that can link to this emptiness inside, to this mystery that haunts my thoughts, otherwise I wouldn't be starting this blog. The earliest I've truly expressed myself was late middle school. I went out with this girl and wrote her a poem. She loved it, and I thought it was pretty good and unfortunately I haven't been able to find that poem ever since. As I sit here and type this I realized maybe this blog will make me realize that I am interesting and that I am more than what I think I am. After writing that poem, I wrote more, some about positive love, then the aftermath of a breakup, then other poems about life, darkness and how to express myself. For high school, freshmen year they had a poetry and art contest. I submitted a poem that I still have (I have managed to keep most of my poems) and a day or two after I submitted my poem in hopes that it could make the school Poetry & Art booklet I was called to the guidance office. So I end up talking to this guidance teacher, she said the few teachers who read this were worried because it came across as a suicide letter. She handed it to me so I can hold it as we talked about it, yeah it did resemble a suicide letter in the form of a poem, but that wasn't my intentions. I had to talk about my feelings and why I would write a poem like that. I told her that it's easier for me to write that than it would to write about something else because I had been writing these kind of poems for a year or two when I would be up till 3am online listening to depressing music. So it just seemed natural. I took a test to see what level my depression was at, she read the test and said I wasn't going to kill myself, which I found strange.. but she also told me that one of my teachers were aware of this and that I didnt have to do a couple assignments for that class which made me feel.. handicapped. So I thought, could I play the role of a depressed teenager with dark intentions? Could I actually milk this to do less school work and pass? I just continued normally like I would, being the quiet one, when I went home and had a chat with my parents about this poem. I didn't think the school would call my parents about that but it makes sense.. so I had to sit down and express myself which I dont like to do with my parents, I feel embarrassed when I show to much emotion, happy, sad, ect... There were no intentions of suicide, but with the school and my parents making this a huge deal I began to believe that I wasn't really doing well and that I needed help, so instead of embracing the "hype" of my "suicidal thoughts" I needed to do something to make this unwanted attention get off of me so I began to act like I was completely fine.  I opened the poem on my computer and I added to it, turned it around to make it a happy ending, which made me feel worse because I wanted that poem to stay where it was, me adding to it felt like a lie but I had to do it anyway I dont have any long time friends. In kindergarten I went to a school a few towns over, then I moved closer to relatives and went to X school for 1st-3rd grade, moved again to the other part of town which forced me to switch schools, so I had to make all new friends for 4th and 5th grade. My first day of 4th grade was hard, I remember trying hard not to cry. The only friends I really had all those years were my cousins, who went to different schools. So I made it to middle school, knowing schools would be combined and maybe I can hang out with old friends from my X school 1-3 grades and my new friends from the Y school 4th and 5th grade, unfortunately the X school I went to for 1st- 3rd grade were transferred to the other middle school in town so that means there was a whole new elementary school in my town that combined with my Y elementary school which meant now I have to meet new kids. (excuse me for using letters as the school names, just dont want the schools to be searched on tumblr)

There was another elementary school that combined with my X school. So if you understand that, then I did well, if not you get some idea, right? Well to continue on, in my middle school we had Move Up Day, where we go to the town high school to spend time in it just to get an idea of how we are going to spend the next four years of school. So I saw familiar faces from my first elementary school, of course it's been so many years since I have seen them so it wasn't the same. That school gave me the worst feeling, the smell, the look, everything. It made my sad, it made me feel like I did not belong there so I had to try hard to find another option. Technical School? I could go to a different school where one week would be academics and one week would be learning some type of trade, hmmm that seems alot better! They couldn't accept everyone but I was one of the few that were picked to go. So once again I would start a new school where I didn't know anyone, well besides a couple kids from my town. At least this time everyone was mostly on the same boat being it was a different kind of school. In middle school I developed a group of friends who still hold lots of memories and emotions. Most of my teenage troubles I couldn't deal with came from that group. That's for a different time.

So this was my first official blog of hopefully many more to come. It was good reliving memories. The reason for my title "Dear Mystery Passenger" is inspired by a show I just got into, although the name is changed a little bit, I feel like If I am writing to someone or (something) its maybe a little therapeutic. My for intent was to talk about how I am currently feeling about what is going on in my life now but, my thoughts focused to these memories so, I just went with the flow.