shelivedthroughit - Tumblr blog

[shelivedthroughit]

Lowkey forgot about this blog...

I was excited to go home for the summer but I stayed here for my job. I like my job a lot, my coworkers not so much. Today I had a conversation with one of them and didn't realize she was talking down to me until afterwards and I felt like an idiot. She was asking me about my summer courses and somehow the conversation devolved into her insinuating that since I'm part of my university's online program I'm less of a student than her. I just feel stupid. I feel even dumber because I didn't realize she was kind of making fun of me until about an hour later when I thought about the interaction. I was finally getting over the feeling that I was less intelligent than my peers due to the program I'm in but this conversation reignited all those insecurities. I'm in this program because it is what is best for my mental health, I still got into this university just like you did. Fuck off, Emma.

[shelivedthroughit]

One final left.

Almost done with my freshman year of college. I have one final left. I started this year with so much hope. Some things have panned out well, others not so much.

C'est la vie.

[shelivedthroughit]

I hate my roommates

I know that hate is a strong word, that is why I'm using it. I am disgusted by them, they leave all of our shared living spaces dirty and the kitchen reeks of rotting food and garbage. I try to clean their messes, but there are 3 of them and 1 of me and they seem hellbent on making the place as filthy as possible.

One of my roommates decided to get a rabbit. This is a decision I supported her on as she often talked about how much she loved bunnies and how she always wanted one, stating on multiple occasions that she would do all her school projects on bunnies and knew all there was to know about the species. I didn't sense any red flags until she told me she intended to keep the bunny in a dog crate. Not just any dog crate, a chihuahua crate because "it was the cheapest one" she could find. Time passes and she gets the bunny. She keeps it in our living room in a cage. It makes a mess because it is going stir crazy and also starving since she was not feeding it enough or supplying it with any hay. She would get pissy at anyone who fed the bunny more because she claimed it was "getting fat."

Long story short, I have a pet bunny now. Don't get me wrong, I love my bunny. She is thriving now and lives almost entirely free roam in my room aside from when I am sleeping or out of the house, then she goes into her cage with plenty of hay, water, and enrichment toys.

This week, I am dogsitting for my mom's friend. I asked on my group text with my roommates for them to give my bunny pellets in the morning and make sure she has water. That's it, I didn't ask them to clean her cage or let her out as I was planning on coming back during the day to do so even though I don't have a car and will be paying out of pocket for ubers. The chat was radio silence. Not even a "sorry I can't do that," just no response from any of them. No one responded until I said that I was able to get my brother to do it as he lives about 5 minutes from us, then two of them wrote a half assed response saying they "could help butttt..." and listed off excuses. I didn't respond.

I left the key under the doormat for my brother. When I arrived at the apartment yesterday to check on my bunny, the key was no longer there. My brother took it without thinking. Ok, no big deal. I knock on the door. No response. I text the group chat that I'm locked out (something all 3 of them have done before), no response. I knock on the door more and text again. 2 of them respond that they're not home. I continue to knock. Then, the one who was here the entire time I was knocking opens the door and tells me that I "scared the shit out of her." This set me over the edge as this same bitch has woken me up in the middle of the night MULTIPLE TIMES by POUNDING ON MY WINDOW until I get the door for her. But of course me knocking on the door in the middle of the day after texting her multiple times is terrifying. My mistake.

Anyways,

I fucking hate my roommates.

[shelivedthroughit]

I wonder if I will ever feel like I am enough, if my faux intellectual ramblings will ever amount to any substantial benefit in my mental state. My life is pretty perfect right now, all things considered, yet I find things to obsess over that cause me to spiral down into a pit of self pity and despair. I want this semester to be over. I want to be 4 in my mother's arms while she rocks back and forth and tells me it will all be ok.

[shelivedthroughit]

I've never been able to shake the feeling that I'm a "bad" person. But what defines a bad person? I once saw someone say that bad people don't question if they're bad, so the fact that I'm even questioning if I'm bad pretty much answers my own question. But I still feel like I'm bad. I don't know why. I don't hurt people, I don't hurt animals, I try to be kind to others when I can. But I feel morally bankrupt. I feel like a fraud. I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. But what if there is no other shoe?

[shelivedthroughit]

New to this

College is so lonely, why not make a blog? I was one of the annoying pinterest kids who looked at tumblr stuff exclusively through pixelated screenshots because I wasn't allowed to have real social media. I'm going to post into the void for a bit now.