rasanjanaheiseverything-blog

[rasanjanaheiseverything-blog]

Flash Back

So to start this all out, it was end of 2010. As usual, as my daily habit while staying bored at home I used to be a very good fan of Facebook. That was the only way for me to keep in touch with my friends since I raised under very strict typical Asian parents. I was so down after my first and foremost relationship with a medical student. I wonder how that useless one month relationship made my life so miserable and hopeless like I am the most unluckiest girl in this world.While he was  flirting and dating few girls I stayed inside my room and cried without eating. I had the only way of overcoming from that pain was staying whole day in surfing internet and chatting with friends on Facebook.I did not want to move on and have a boy friend. Only thing I wanted was to complete my studies and find a good job. I never thought that I would find my better half. Time passed by with tears on my face and some little smile on my face with friends. 

One day, one of my closest friend from my high school time, posted something funny and I started to comment on that. At the same time a friend of my friend, actually he was a strange person to me, started to comment on the same post. I felt he is a funny guy. I just clicked his name and went to his profile just to stalk around. For the first time in my Facebook life i clicked ADD AS A FRIEND button for a boy but I had no any feeling just empty but something inside me was keep telling me ADD HIM. So I did. Within few minutes he added me back. I just went through his profile and that was all and there was no any feeling towards him or his profile that time. Few hours passed by, I just got a message from  him saying HI!! .. It was the first HI which changed my whole life. I replied him back saying “Hey” Like we have been knowing each other since long time. Then after we chatted we talked everything, He asked about my studies, my school, where do I live, about my parents, my favorites and so many more things. And I told him about my story about the break up and that time he was also with a broken heart. So we shared our stories, we laughed about our sleepless nights because of our Exs. We used to talk each and everyday like very good friends.. we shared some stupid jokes, he told me about his crushes from Airline,sister’s friends, some random girls on his Facebook..The most funniest thing was about him was his motto.. He did not want to die as a Virgin. 

I did not have any picture of myself on my Facebook. One day I wanted to upload a picture as my profile. Some how I managed to take a picture from my old phone and edited and uploaded it to Facebook. That was the first day my new best friend got to see me. He was the first one who clicked the like button and sent a message asking whether its ME.. But within few hours I felt like its ugly and I deleted the image and uploaded random girl’s picture which I downloaded from google. We talked and talked. That time he lived in United Kingdom and he was an Engineering student. One day he brought me a request saying that he wants to talk with me. Actually he expected a friendly talk with me. Without any hesitation I agreed to his request and we had an only skype call. I was shy to turn on my video and he also refused to turn on his video. With the time difference, he called me early in the morning. I started to talk with him in my Pajamas and I stayed with my smelly Pajama till late evening for the first time in my life. That call was very interesting and I could not heard the clock ticking. That was the very first day I heard his cute voice. I found something very attractive in his voice and the way he talks. Hearing his voice made me happy. It was not LOVE but it was something very special. I told about him to my best friend and she wanted to add him also. so they added each other and they started to be very friendly also and our chats commenting posts started to be very interesting. I started to spend a lot more hours on Facebook. Everything started to be very interesting.

I found he has a very attractive skill and a talent. It is his singing capability.I found it as a WOW factor after seeing his few covers of some Sinhala, English and Hindi songs. I started to follow his Youtube channel. I started to listen his songs. I really liked his songs.As I told before he got to very friendly with my best friend, i found they are hiding something from me and both of them started to do something behind back but it was not misunderstanding feeling. It was like that boy has something for me. One day my best friend messaged and told me “GIRL ! HE LIKES YOU” , Actually it did not surprise me, Cause I already felt it from him. I have that attitude of showing up the Big attitude towards boys. I do not know from where it came. but I showed him a big attitude. I told him that I cannot fall in love since I am still thinking about my EX. i knew it sounds stupid, but I did not want to make my heart sad again. He was sad when I told him LETS STAY AS FRIENDS. He was down. To get my attraction he did most sweetest things any girl would love to see. He deactivated Facebook, other day he started to tell me that he is having fever and the next day he is having Chickenpox.. But I could not recognize if those things are true or false, because of that I started to Take care of him. My heart was keep telling please check  on him. He is alone in his hostel and no one is around. At least as a good friend of him I should take care of him. so I checked on him whenever I can. Time passed by with those cute dramas. One day he sent me a message it was a Enrique’s song “Somebody’s Me”. That really touched my heart. It made my heart so warm. That day I told myself “I LIKE HIM”. But my heart stopped me WAIT TILL HE COMES TO SRI LANKA. He wanted to meet me when he back to Sri Lanka during his vacation. I also wanted to see and meet him. That beautiful day came, That was a Saturday He came to see me in my class. My best friend also was there, during the lunch time he came outside of my class with a parcel. We were in the staircase. I was on top of two steps. Damn remembering that day makes my eyes full of tears. That was the very first day I got to see my WHOLE WORLD. He was very tall, handsome. his beautiful smile took my heart away. He was wearing a green color t shirt, denim trouser with a Canvas shoe pair. Very funky attractive. Since I was bit away from him he tried to get to closer to me. I was so damn shy and we did not talk that much. He gave me the parcel and went saying bye. I came back to my class with very happy mood. It was a CHOCOLATE PARCEL. yeye I love chocolate. But chocolate did not make me fall for him. I fell for his personality,  but the specially for who is he. It was the first day i realized YES I LIKE THAT GUY NOW SO MUCH. Although I did not want to tell him. I just kept my mouth shut. Those were the days That friend who is from my high school time, he asked me out and he straightly wanted to talk my parents. Though he was my school time crush, I have already fell for my singer. on 2011 June 19th in the night i told him that “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH PRATHAP” Both were so happy and that was the day MY life started to get so happy after long time and never knew I will be in this current situation. only thing I wanted was to love him madly and marry him one day. Our love went so happy. In the next week we met during my lunch time. He took me out. We parked the vehicle under a tree and we talked and talked. I was so happy. I found him as very attractive.I was with him in the front seat, I felt he is trying to close me and I also tried to close. It was my first kiss for my 21 years. He kissed me :D it was gentle but funny. I did not how to kiss actually. Later he used to joke around me saying how worst my first kiss was. But the most funniest part was while he was kissing me Police caught us. that time we both got deadly scared and I was about to cry. but later it was our major joking point. 

after he completing his degree he came to my country to be with me forever. I was the happiest girl that time.During that time I also completed my degree.. I was deeply truly madly in love with my everything. As he told me in the beginning, I thought he is from a middle level family. But later on i got to know he is not like mine. He is from a very rich family which made me scared as hell. I was right that time problems started to begin with Money. His parents started to hate me because we do not have money like them. Those were the days depression started to hit my life, After exactly very successful long distance relationship, black clouds started to come above us. His parents started to keep ignore me and family and with theses problems my family also started to hate them. Both of us were totally mentally down, As we laughed together we started to cry together. Those were so much of painful years.

He decided to leave me. He left me, he left his home and went  far away from his hometown. He found a job and he took a project which is far away from me and his family. He blocked my phone number, my Facebook, my whatsapp. Totally from everything. He left me all alone with so much of confusions. Again I started to cry in late nights till mornings. I started to find ways to stalk him to search what is he doing, if he is doing alright. I really cared about him. How to stop loving the person who I love more than  myself. No any single message from him. He has gone. I started to get so thin, and ugly, I found MYSELF depends on him I found I live for him. I found he is the one who keep me alive. Time passed by with tears on my eyes and i knew its fill with his eyes also.. 

Again he started to talk to me and we GOT BACK yeyeyeyey. we started to love secretly he acted as single on Facebook. But I did not act so. cause he was the world to me. Totally I was blind with love. months passed, I felt he is changing. He was not the person he used to be. I felt something and I also found I am changing. I started to accuse him. I started to log his facebook. I found he was talking to girls. I found so many things which made my heart so break. I started to fight. We kept fighting, He blocked once and again unblock. sometimes we make love, sometimes we fight. with these obstacles he fell for another girl and again HE LEFT ME.. HE LEFT ME :’( He wanted to marry that girl and he left me during the last semester of my MBA. My whole world collapse. I cried and cried. I started to lose my strength. I started to email him. i started to scold him so bad. But i loved him so madly. whatever he did I did not want to leave or fall for another man. Because he was the man for my life. I found my mother also kept calling him and scolding me to stay away from my life. He has so much of pressure from everything. He is a man who has a very little smooth heart. he does not have a strong heart. I found he tries to find answers from the easiest ways. He is scared of pressure and problems. My little man is  weak.. As long as i am strong i never got scared of that. I had a strong feeling of that I can make him a strong man. Yes I love him ! LOVE CAN CHANGE PEOPLE. After two weeks I got a mail saying that he broke up with that girl and he loves me. But he did not want to get back with me. He knew he broke my heart. He did not want to make me sad anymore. After I got that mail I was neither happy or sad. I was neutral. He said he wants to help me for doing my final research. he came to skype and started to help me. He kept telling me sorry.. How can I hate the person who i love the most. That’s my weak point.I forgive people so easily which might make me sad as hell in future. AGAIN WE GOT BACK. He promised me not to leave no matter what happens. He promised to that he will be with me no matter what. Last Year February we got back again. we started to love like a new couple. we refreshed everything. i was so happy again. Again we laughed so hard together. We shared our feelings.We were like husband and wife. I have been kept the same feeling for my man as the beginning.  Its been a five years very beautiful relationship. we celebrated our 5th year anniversary so happily. We shared gifts.. We were the happiest again. He changed a lot after that incident and he felt my true love towards him. I able to stay strong whatever the stones which throw at me. I never stopped loving him.I knew he will be back someday.

After exactly one year ago from the previous incident again parents issues raised after I turned in to 27. As I told since I am having typical Asian parents  I started to have so much of pressure from my home about the marriage. They want me to marry  from a arranged marriage and they want me to stay away from my precious. Again fights started. He also started to fight with his never changing minded father. We again fought with our parents a lot. The gift he gave me for my 27th Birthday, is under custody of my parents. Again with these problems, my man left me. Now I am in this current situation. The man who I love more than myself wants me to marry another man. He wants me to sleep with an unknown man and move on my life with that unknown man. Again in the end I AM LOST in this love. He keeps telling me that he makes my life so miserable and he strongly believes he destroys my life. I wonder how people can think like that. maybe I am being jealous in this situation but I LOVE THE MAN OF MY LIFE. Absence of happiness make lives destroy. 

The heartbreak comes in when I finally realize that he is trying to fall out of love with me. He’s trying to make his heart believe that it doesn’t love me. I know I have said that even if he tells me any hateful things I still know deep down that he loves me. My heart hurts from him trying to convince himself that our love is something that he can’t just forget about. 

He took a piece of my heart and I took a piece of his heart.  I’m stuck, stuck in in his gravity and I can’t get loose. I guess I’ll always wonder if I’ll get the chance to tell him that how much I love him.... ! I found the man who came to see me with that green t shirt is trying to stay away from me and trying to move on... as he told I THOUGHT HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME.. but he did..

I AM LOST !

I wish him all well, and i love my idiot stubborn man. hope he will find his happiness soon.. 

hope you will get to know how true my love is.... hope one day you will see my flash back with you in my greatest 6 years in my life. ! maybe next birth babe.