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[randy1876-blog]

Feelings

Two months ago I found I was on a race against time to have an other child. My last chance was getting closer and closer, so I stoped takeing birth control them my period was 2 weeks late I took a test negative boom next day period. This month we’re again past due it should’ve started 8 days ago but the hubs and I haven’t had much sex cus I’ve been working my ass off, I’m not stressed I’d say just buisy, and ighhhh it’s late again and I’m getting so worried I’m so afraid they were wrong thet I don’t have any time left to have another baby and I’ll. Be left with the burning searing hole in my heart thet I missed the chance to have a baby again. Thet maby the universe is saying I’m trying to hard to make myself happy and I’m not allowed, I have a son who’s an amazing fighter as a newborn he beat ever odd thrown at him and thrived. And then his sister was diagnosed with a rare condition when I was 10 weeks pregnant and we lost her I was 6 months pregnant when I went into labour and she passed in my hands head to toe the size of my cupped hand from tip of my middle finger to wrist. Followed but being abused by drs, mistreated buy nurses left with ptsd thet I have spent 3 years fighting accepting and working though. And now will I ever have the chance to have a baby again is all the happiness I’m allowed in this life my son? I just want a healthy baby. And it feels like god. Is laughing saying why the hell would I let you have that. Know better I put you on earth to a woman who did the minimum to keep you alive. Fed you every 2 days and a dad who loved you but was never around to see what she did to you. Then I took you away and put you somewhere even worse where at 11 you almost died giving birth because he raped you and because he raped you she beat you and because you saw other children there you were stupid enough to push yourself in front to get beaten and raped till you almost died and everyone got out. Just to send you back to the woman who saw you as a cute photo prop only to be seen when she wanted you seen and never heard. Then as you got older you started to try to be better so more severe measures needed to be taken, gave you joy gave you hope gave you a baby and then almost took hm away just to let him stay but you got to relaxed but I couldn’t have that so the man who made you stop wanting to kill your self became the reason you wanted to run away and disappear and smash your soul and hope and desire to eat dream smile he would cause you every type of pain every day but you tried to run away. A new man a great man I haven’t managed to turn against you yet comes to your life leave you little bits of hope and then tip them away in the most cruel ways possible. Even better at 22 everyone will always ask where’s the other baby for decades to come and the answer will always be with me...muahahahah.

[randy1876-blog]

Who here is a Hufflepuff!? ✨🦔