rabr2592

[rabr2592]

Mrs. Solo Dolo

There’s a first time for everything. And before the close of my 23rd year in life, I did something I’ve always wanted to do. Attend a concert alone.

I was pretty scared (not gonna lie), but it turned out to be incredible and extremely eye opening experience. There are a few reasons why this was actually the best situation ever.

Time - For a concert with friends, you have to wait for friends to get ready and arrive at a meeting place THEN go to the concert. When you go alone, you only have to worry about yourself and can leave whenever to head to the concert venue. I took my time, stopped by a bar for a quick drink then headed over without any second opinions. All on me.

Access - Usually when you go with 2 or more friends, it’s safe to say if you’re not at a GA concert early then you’ll be way towards the back. I arrived 30 mins before the concert and was able to weasel my way forward about 50 feet from the stage. One person moving through a crowd is less annoying than 4. Way easier than elbowing through a crowd pulling your friends behind you.

Flexibility - Most people don’t change locations during a concert but thanks to 2 beers before the show, I had to leave for the ladies room. Afterword, I was able to find a PRIME spot because there was only room for one. Shoutout to the cute security guard who let me through.

Comradery - Being alone means one of two things: you can either chill and be anti social all night (totally fine) OR you can bond with the people around you. You’re all there for the same reason, the artist about to play on stage, so why not make the best of it? Although I felt like a granny amongst a sea of teenagers, I made friends with a few girls around me and we stood firm in our ground together to not let any douchebags through. Also judging people too, of course. It was a great short-term friendship.

Connection - Now this may sound super cheesy, but there were moments I truly felt like it was just me and Cudi in that theatre. Sometimes friends tag along just to say they were there or know a couple songs but might not be a true fan. Every lyric I belted at the top of my lungs with no reservation and it was a genuine feeling of nirvana being there. Going with friends is fun, but nothing will beat being "1:1" with who's on that stage.

Exit strategy - Some friends want to stay to the very end and have to deal with hours of waiting in line for coat check and Ubers. As much as I didn’t want to, I knew I had to dip out early if I wanted a chance to make it home safely. I blew Cudi a final kiss and sprinted to grab my coat and hail a cab. I was out in 5 minutes and home in 15. Perfect execution.

It’s safe to say that was one of the best experiences of my life and I’m happy that I did it alone. You don’t always need people with you to enjoy yourself. Step out and start experiencing life on your own.

Next stop: Toronto.

[rabr2592]

Another One.

That time of year we reflect on the last 365. And dammit, 2015 was incredible. This was the year of the bucket list and knocking shit off it one by one. 1) I went skiing for the first time, thanks to my awesome best friend Tyler who invited me and my girls along for quite the mini vaca in Wisconsin. I have proven that black people can partake in winter sports. 2) Sat 100-level seats at a Bulls game AND was selected to be on the Jumbotron with the Luvabulls, therefore winning free pizza for my whole row. I mean, I was basically famous for 15 minutes and it was the best birthday gift ever. 3) I turned 23. The Jordan Year. The amount of things I accomplished this year has been mind blowing and I couldn't be happier with my life right now. GOAT. 4) Moved into my own apartment. Alone. With no one else. For the first time in my entire life. It's been the scariest and probably most adult thing I've done, ever. But I'm so happy I made that leap and did something for myself without looking back. 5) Went to The Signature Room for dinner. I know it sounds basic af, but doing this was something I've wanted to do for so long and I finally was able to live the lavish life for a few hours with my favorite guy. It was expensive, and awesome. 6) Traveled to Iowa 3 times in one month for weddings and tailgating at ISU. Once again, basic af but I put about 1800 miles on my car in one month and it was so worth to see 2 beautiful weddings, reconnect with friends and family and tailgate ISU style like an undergrad again. Nothing will ever beat that. 7) Attended my very first Chicago Fire game with my MVD loves. It was a perfect night with plenty of beer and awesome seats (shoutout to Ben!). Something I've wanted to do for a long time that I was able to knock off that list. 8) Saw The Lion King on Broadway. No words to describe that experience. Honestly it's been my dream since I was a child and it was fulfilled thanks to my wonderful mother. 9) Got a great new job that I'm very passionate about. We've had many ups and downs the last 5 months, but next year looks so bright for us you're going to be blinded. So honored to be able to be on the forefront of an amazing up and coming agency. And made some pretty incredible friends along the way. Watch out world. 10) Conquered TBOX2015 with the crew. From 7am-730pm we LIVED to tell the tale of our day. Third time was the charm for me, can't wait for next year! 11) Attended a REAL dance battler. At an unmarked warehouse and all. Probably one of the coolest experiences I've had, and I felt like I was in the middle of You Got Served or some shit. So awesome. 12) Attended more concerts this year than ever in my life. I was able to see some of my favorite artists like Big Sean, Nicki Minaj, Chris Brown, Kid Ink and more all for under $100 total. Take that Lolla. (See you next year for real though) Can't forget seeing TIMEFLIES and purchasing tix to Kid Cudi, who unfortunately canceled his tour. Hoping to surpass that number next year. Concerts/festivals are life. Honestly that's all I can think of now, but needless to say 2015 was fucking incredible. Great experiences and bucket list accomplishments. Made some great new friends and ended other relationships. 2016 is going to be a year of focus and setting new goals. I'm excited for the next 365 and what possibilities it brings. I'll catch ya'll on the flip side.

[rabr2592]

#TBT: TBOX Thursday

It’s your first year at the greatest bar crawl in the world? Or maybe you’re not a first timer, but can’t seem to make it through the whole day? I’m here to prepare for the realist shit you’ll ever experience. Here’s your guide to TBOX:

1) Fuel Up. - A full 12 hours of drinking is serious business. Think tailgating on crack (depending on which school you went to). For some this is normal, and others it’s a true test of endurance. Are you ready?

2) Establish a meeting ground - If your group is split up at any point. Set a time you’ll re-group in the afternoon so you can keep on trucking together. Safety in numbers.

3) Keep the momentum going - If there’s anything we learned last year was that slowing down and grabbing Dimo’s to ‘refuel’ was the worst idea ever. Bring along your cereal boxes and snack throughout the day. (And if you do get pizza, grab and GO).

4) Get super festive - The outfits are REAL. TBOX is no joke to these people. Our first year we were extremely unprepared by how intense people get with their outfits. The crazier, the better. Last year I wore a random wolf hat, the ones with the mittens, and it was an awesome conversation piece. I dated a guy for 6 months that I met at TBOX who referred to me as ‘She-Wolf’. Get a weird outfit.

5) Stay positive! - Yes, 12 hours of binge drinking is so long and sometimes it’s cold and the lines are long. But guess what? You paid $50 for this experience so live it up every single second, the good and the bad. I promise they will be great stories to tell one day. My sister lost her nose ring last year (we still don’t know how it happened) at the 3rd bar we went to. We spent 20 minutes shoving people and crawling on the floor at Exodus II with iPhone flashlights searching for it. At the time it sucked and she was so upset, but looking back its one of the funniest moments of the whole day.

6) Pick your poison - Beer is your friend. If you don’t like it, start liking it for TBOX. It’s cheap as fuck and all the bars have beer specials. If you’re ballsy enough to drink whiskey and cokes for 12 hours, I need to be your friend.

7) It’s a marathon, not a race - My number one rule of TBOX is pace yourself. I cannot stress this more. My first year we pre-gamed so hard that we were only at the bars for 2 hours until I blacked out for 4 more hours. I wish I remembered that day. Absolutely destroyed. My friend and I corrected that mistake last year and coasted from 7:00 am to 8:00 pm. The hangover was so real, but we made it through. Take your time.

Good luck this year my friends. Take my advice and TBOX with caution. Seasons Drinkings.

[rabr2592]

The Mess You Left When You Went Away

Finally.

I know I’m going to get a ton of judgement for my next statement but I don’t care.

I finally listened to Alanis Morissette’s ‘Jagged Little Pill’ top to bottom. And holy shit.

Maybe I never took the time in the past because I was too busy listening to Britney Spears and The Spice Girls to define my love life and teen angst.

Maybe I never took the time in the past because I was happy and in love for 4 years, and who needs heart-wrenching music when you’re floating on cloud 9? No one.

Well, I’ve finally reached that point and I can’t believe how much I’ve been missing out on.

She is speaking to my soul. I was too young to ever understand anything she was talking about back then. I’ve had my heart broken so many times and been through every kind of relationship.

Alanis is a goddess. I only wish I was able to appreciate this album 20 years ago when it was released. But I was only 3, so clearly not possible.

The level of honesty and heart ache she put into every lyric in each song is so raw. She was going through some shit. Confused, heartbroken, angry, sad, happy, everything. Aka everything I’m feeling as a 20-something these days.

Obviously fan favorites like 'You Oughta Know’ and 'Ironic’ are iconic. Incredible artistry.

But the first time I listened to 'Right Through You’, I wanted to cry. I felt like she grabbed the Dolorean to time travel into the future, looked into my soul, time traveled back to 1995 and wrote this song.

You all know I’m a huge music junkie. Music encompasses my life.

I teach dance, attend concerts on the reg and make enough Spotify playlists to actually work for Spotify. (Honestly, why haven’t they hired me yet.)

This album spoke something to me I haven’t heard in a long time. It’s depressing, but empowering. It’s honest and uncut. And I’ve been playing it on repeat for the last 5 days.

Thank you Alanis for making an timeless album that has lived on for 2 decades and still has an incredible impact today.

So for now, I’ve got one hand in my pocket and the other one is giving a peace sign.

[rabr2592]

My Girl Likes to Party All the Time

It's 11:00 am on a Wednesday. Sure, hand me a shot of whiskey and PBR. These are my daily thoughts. Work is always stressful and one of my favorite ways to relax is via boozing. Is that a bad thing? I don't think so. I'm 23 years old and single living in one of the greatest cities in the world. Drinking fairly often is normal, right? It's sad because when I meet someone new, one of my first questions is "What's your go-to drink?" Depending on the answer it tells a lot about a person. Whiskey guys are totally different than Vodka guys, btw. Anyway, the other day I asked one of my coworkers the standard question and said she answered that she didn't drink at all. Not socially. Not for leisure. She just has no desire to consume alcohol. The look on my face...was super judgmental. You're 21, super friendly, cool and you're legal in the USA. I was baffled. It didn't take me long but eventually I had to accept that was her personal choice. Drinking just is not her thing and I fully respect that. We all have our ways of mellowing out. I'd like to think mine is a simple chart that fluctuates monthly. Maybe even weekly. Currently the stats are: 20% Dance. 10% Fitness. 10% Netflix. 60% Libations. It takes the cake...or pie. This week was rough. This whole interaction made me realize how much we compare ourselves to others. So what she doesn't drink all the time, that doesn't make her a hermit who's not any fun and anti-social. And if I choose to drink 5/7 days a week, that doesn't make me a crazy psycho alcoholic either. I've had people tell me that I drink too much. The real question is why are you so damn concerned with my alcohol consumption as my personal life? Worry about yourself. Everyone does what they want to do. Point blank. Take a step back and stop comparing yourself to all the people in your life or what you see online. Cool, you're 22 and engaged to a guy you met a year ago. I hope it works out and you get your fairytale ending. In the meantime, I'm gonna head to the bar and find a cute guy to flirt with and maybe give him my number. Free will, my friends. Everything we do is a choice and you have to own it, good or bad. Comparisons only make you feel like less of a person and it's unhealthy. If you're unhappy with your own life, make some f**kin changes.

[rabr2592]

Baller, Shot Caller.

I wish giving your 2 weeks could apply to relationships these days. Imagine if you could? Most of the time we're all blindsided by breakups but how great would it be if you could notify your SO ahead of time to prepare for the single life again. "Hey babe, I really like you and the sex is great but you're not financially stable and that's something I really need in my future. I'm putting in my 2 weeks notice." It would be such a nice transition instead of just dropping a bomb on someone and walking out. So many unanswered questions and what-if's left floating in the air. It's really tough to recover from that. A few months back one of my colleagues got so fed up she literally grabbed her shit and walked out the door. It took 6 weeks to find her replacement, the company was screwed for a while. So being the kind and respectful person I am, I found a new job and I put my 2 weeks last Tuesday. It's always so awkward and uncomfortable breaking up with someone, which is pretty much what I did with my job. We broke up after a year of good times, laughter, some tears and a lot of drunken memories. To management it's because I'm ready for a new challenge and environment that's more along my career path which is professional lingo for 'I'm broke and need to get paid more and you're not doing it so I'm leaving.' Granted I am really excited and looking for to my new company and position, but bottom line is employees stay when they're happy. Much like relationships. When you become unhappy, it's time to take a step back and re-evaluate things. If it can be talked over and worked out then by all means stick around and see if things change over time. Whether it's a higher salary or a promise of fidelity, there's a glimmer of hope for the future. But if it is FUBAR (fucked up beyond all repair), then get the fuck out as soon as possible and don't look back. A quote by Tony Robbins says, "By changing nothing, nothing changes." Most people are afraid of change because they get so comfortable in their routine whether it's a job or someone they're dating. I get it, change is very scary. Terrifying at times. But my friend Tony is right, you can't expect change when you don't take the initiative and do it yourself. I knew I was in a situation that I was unhappy and made a conscious effort to make a change. Professionally and in my personal life. I'm scared as hell for this new position because I hope I can live up to the expectations they have for me, but there's no way to know unless I dive head first into it. I'm even more afraid that I'll be single and alone for most of my 20s because I'm having the worst luck with men lately. But to hell with it, I admit that I make myself pretty damn happy. Until I find someone that can do the same then Netflix and chill all by myself is fine by me. The Great Wayne Gretzky said, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." You're in control of your life. Put the ball in your hands, line up the shot, and go for it.

[rabr2592]

Back to Life, Back to Reality.

My coworkers and I have no boundaries. No filters. We spend way too much time together and annoy the hell out of our bosses. We tell each other pretty much everything.

More often than not it’s conversations about relationships, hook ups, crappy exes, frat parties in college and one night stands. But our conversation this morning made me take a step back to really think, how soon is too soon to bring up an ex?

My friend has only been on 2 dates with a guy she met on a dating app and they hit it off pretty well right off the bat. After their second date – which was awesome – the guy brought up how he was really interested and is having a great time getting to know her.

Unfortunately, his next words were that he just got out of a serious relationship a few months back, he isn’t ready for a relationship and doesn’t want to lead her on.

This is where the real debate started.

Half of us – including myself – believe that his honesty, even though it’s so early on in their dating, is admirable. Most guys (aka the douchebag I dated recently) wouldn’t have the balls to say this to me until 6 months later when I already had invested so much time and emotions into it.

I think honesty is key, especially in the dating culture we live in today. So many people have hidden agendas and ulterior motives that I would rather you be honest with me from the jump than string me along for months on end.

Now the other half, they think he’s rushing into it. There have only been 2 dates and they’re wondering why he’s already bringing up something so serious when the dating has only just begun. This can sometimes be seen as a sign of weakness and insecurity. Why can’t you just go with the flow and see how things develop over time?

I’m a firm believer that saying things out loud to someone else in a sense forces you to come to terms with it. We as humans learn to compartmentalize and hold in emotions which can be very self-destructive. The minute we admit it to someone else it becomes real.

Admission is healthy though, they say it’s the first step to recovery. Whether it be drugs, alcohol, gambling, or a broken heart, we have to admit and accept it to truly start to moving on with our lives.

Albert Einstein once said, “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.”

Standing still or being stationery is the absolute worst thing to me. It actually freaks me the fuck out. People who are so comfortable being in one spot or one state of mind their whole lives are psychopaths to me.

We are meant to explore, travel, and embrace all of the wonderful things we can experience in one life time, it’s a waste to not take advantage of that.

In my last post, I talked about how it’s important to pump the brakes once in a while, especially when it comes to dating but after a while you have to get back on that bike and keep riding no matter how bruised or battered you may be.

Perseverance. Strength. Resilience. Tenacity. Those are qualities you build after years of getting knocked down and learning how to get right back up. Most importantly: Confidence. You know what you want and you go after it. You become an unstoppable force.

All in all, I think this guy is confident and ballsy as hell for telling exactly how he felt after a second date. Shout out to him, he’s the real MVP.

More guys in our generation should be more honest. And sure girls might be turned off by it or think it’s weird and creepy or too forward, but after the entire BS I’ve been through I would truly appreciate a man who knows exactly what he wants and isn’t afraid to admit it.

If she won’t date him, then I damn sure will.

[rabr2592]

Hiatus in the Name of Love

Press Play.

Usually before bed I watch some TV because I can’t fall asleep without noise in the background so naturally I watched Friends.

It was The One with George Stephanopoulos. The one where Ross has a guy’s night out but is repeatedly reminiscing the entire episode about every little detail from the first time he and his now lesbian ex-wife had sex for the first time. Later in the episode we find out, he’s so hung up on that night because he also lost his virginity and she was his first love.

Kind of a big deal, right?

Even after 7 years, Ross couldn’t forget his first love. Most people are that way though, remembering the memories their first love – and I believe it’s definitely the hardest to forget the first one.

But if you are lucky enough to fall in love (or fall in like, really hard) more than once, the first one seems like a distant memory compared to the one that’s the freshest in your mind. And those memories can sometimes hold you back from moving forward.

Of course, I remember the countless nights laying on the hood of my high school boyfriend’s car and gazing up at the stars or sneaking out at 2 am just to go make out in his parent’s basement while everyone was asleep.

But all they are now are memories – stories to tell my grandchildren about the guy who stole my heart in 10th grade. They no longer keep me from pursuing a new relationship and a new love.

Recently, I fell very hard into like with a guy (as you all have read about in previous posts) and had my heart broken because we didn’t want the same things in the end.

I didn’t love him, I can promise you that. I’ve been in love and I know what it feels like. But it didn’t matter whether it was love or like, this is what’s currently holding me back. And the metaphorical resistance band is stronger than ever.

I’ve met a few guys in the last few weeks, really great guys, and for some reason I can’t stop thinking about just one. The one that got away.

And I’ve realized that there is nothing wrong with that – giving yourself time to recover.

In our generation with technology and social media and everything being so on-demand and fast-paced, we’re looked down upon if we just take a minute to pull back the reins.

Most people go from one relationship to the next without even blinking because they feel like if they don’t they’ll miss out on something or won’t be keeping up with the Jones’ (or the Kardashians). Dating should not be a revolving door -- and even those have to slow down eventually in the busiest places.

Just because things ended badly doesn’t mean I’m going to deny the fact that the connection we had was real and time we spent together was absolutely incredible. Trying to quickly move on to dating another guy is only a distraction from what my heart and my mind are really telling me.

Pause. Slow down. Take a breather. One day at a time.

The next guy I seriously date I want to go into it with a clear head. Fully aware of my own feelings and where they stand and assess if I want to invest in a new relationship based on his qualities and how he makes me feel – not because I’m looking to fill a void another guy left me with.

It’s okay to pump the brakes. We don’t have to always be on the go and throwing ourselves into relationships we aren’t truly ready for. It only adds more confusion for both parties involved. Avoid the clusterfuck.

Those metaphorical resistance bands will loosen up over time. Remember, your heart is still a muscle that needs time to recover after it’s broken or even just bruised.

Press pause.

[rabr2592]

Alpha and Omega

I hate endings. All of them. I hate it when movies end. I hate when TV shows end. I hate the end of festivals or events. I hate it when birthdays end. I hate when jobs end (or coworkers leave). And I definitely hated the end of college. I cried so hard the last month of my undergraduate career it wasn't even funny. It was actually embarrassing. Who cries over being done with essays and lectures for the rest of their lives? This girl. Endings usually suck the most because once it's over, all you can do is reflect on the great memories you gained over that period of time. No matter how long or short. But regardless, it's done. They're unavoidable. It has to happen at some point. We don't have time machines. We can't go back and relive any moments. What's done is done and all we have is the experience. The worst endings are relationships. Or even non-relationships for that matter. I ended something tonight. And it was by choice, not by inevitability. I had to for my own happiness, integrity and sanity. I ended a relationship that had no future. At some point, we've all dated someone or been in a relationship where we knew it wasn't going to progress. No future. No promise of taking another step. We stayed for months and years because we already invested so much time and energy why turn back now? We continued to cling to hope for a future that we knew would never come true. Well today, I walked away for good. And I've never been happier. I stood up for myself. I finally told someone every single thought in my mind and did not regret it one bit. It hurt so much. And I cried too much. But at the end of it, I walked away with something so much more important: my dignity. Never settle. Never lower your standards or expectations to someone or something that isn't what you want. I stand by my morals to be realistic in our day and age, but I know what I deserve and the only way I will get that is if I stop settling for less. Good things fall apart for better things to come together. It's not the end, only the beginning.

[rabr2592]

Confessions on a Train Car

I think the more you date and get dumped and find out what you're really looking for, it's gets so much harder. I'm typing this as I'm tearing up on the train because the guy I've been dating for 6 months hasn't texted me since Saturday. To you it may not be a huge deal and that's because it isn't. You're 100% correct. I'm not actually crying because he hasn't texted me, it's because I'm realizing how much my feelings for him have grown. And that scares me because a part of me knows he doesn't feel the same. The hardest part about dating is reciprocation. One person develops feelings and the other does not feel as strongly about the person. And that blows. When you meet someone things are so easy with and they truly get you, that reciprocation happens so naturally. The feelings grow and strengthen together. It shouldn't be forced. Ever. I believe relationships are work and there needs to be continuous effort put into them, but overall they should be easy. The connection should be genuine and both people should equally want to spend time together, love and share experiences. It's not a matter of guys being 'unemotional' and girls being 'over emotional', we are all human. That's what it boils down to. Either the feelings are there or they aren't.

[rabr2592]

Rainbows, Volcanoes, & Blurred Lines

Fuck The Talk. It happened. And the following days were terrible.

Because of the awful combination of one too many beers, that time of the month, and constant questions from outside sources, The Talk turned into an erupting volcano instead of a civilized conversation between two adults.

I only have myself to blame because I felt like I had finally reached a point where I was genuinely happy with the level of our relationship. Whether we were just dating or official, it didn’t matter to me. But sometimes it’s hard to ignore all of the shit being thrown in your face and it backfired on me.

Dating these days is easier said than done, but once you’re actually in that position your opinions and ideas of what you want can change.

Sharing my experiences with you all is always exciting for me, but please for the love of God, leave it at that.

I share what I choose to share and that’s the end of it. And this shouldn’t apply to just me and my current situation…this goes for everyone.

Some people have absolutely no respect for other people’s privacy. It’s appalling.

I understand we live in a generation where almost every aspect of our lives our shared through photos, tweets, social media. We know celebrities better than we know some of our closest friends. It’s insane but it’s the world we live in.

But aside from all that, there is still the right to privacy and keeping your personal life well…personal.

Unfortunately there are people who don’t believe in this principle.

We can’t seem to escape those people that just keep prying and asking and interrogating until they know every single detail of your life. And it’s usually so they can gossip and share it with someone else.

My motto is don’t ask if you don’t truly care.

Does it affect your life directly if this guy isn’t my boyfriend? NO. Will you be crushed if we don’t make it Facebook official? PROBABLY NOT. Okay then, so stop fucking asking me about it.

I’d like to believe I’m a fairly independent and outspoken person. I walk to the beat of my own damn drum. But I think everyone reaches a point where they start to question and reevaluate things because of the BS they’re hearing from their friends or the media.

Well, right here and right now…I am making a vow to stop doing that forever. I almost ruined the one thing that’s truly been so special and incredible in my life because of good ‘ole peer pressure.

There is no reason to rush. No reason to add a label. No reason to announce our status on social media.

My happiness is not measured with the amount of likes I get from a status update or uploaded photos. It is measured in the butterflies I get every time I see him, the experiences we share together, and the happiness we bring out in each other.

Labels are labels for a reason, because they can be removed and destroyed. You can’t remove experiences or memories, that’s the way you truly live. Robin Thicke wouldn’t agree but lines CAN be blurred, it doesn’t always have to be black or white.

So yes, things are good again and I’m happy. A volcano erupted, the storm has passed, and a rainbow has emerged.

[rabr2592]

Desire vs. Necessity

Sharpay Evans.

If you grew up in my generation then you should know who this is. She made a song about all the things she wanted in the epic finale of HSM 3, “I Want It All!”

Sharpay lists all the things any aspiring high school actress wants: fame, her name is lights, screaming fans, etcetera. The real question is did she need any of those things?

There is a very big difference between wants and needs these days and over time I know mine have changed tremendously.

Yes, I want to be a billionaire and quit my job and never work again but I need to work every day to pay my god forsaken bills. Until I hit the lottery, of course.

I want to date Zac Efron but location wise it doesn’t work, so I need to find a guy to date in the city of Chicago.

I definitely want to buy every item from the Forever 21 and Urban Outfitters website, but I need to pay my rent so I can only get 2 or 3 items every few months.

It all boils down to the ultimate battle of Desire vs. Necessity.

Lately, this battle has really come to light in the dating world. There will always be those people we want. We want to kiss them, date them, fuck them, or just simply be within a few feet of them. It’s all a desire though and very superficial. Solely based on appearance.

Everyone has been there. You lock eyes with a hot guy or girl across the bar and the first thought that rolls through your mind is all the things – dirty things – you want to do to them.

They could be a serial killer or a stage five clinger and you know absolutely nothing about them, but at that moment you give zero fucks and only can think about how bad you want them. They become a trophy and you’ll do anything to win that prize.

So let’s say you get the prize? Congratulations. You had a brief make out session or banged this hottie. Did you need to do this? Did it benefit your life for the better because you just ditched your friends for 2 hours? Probably not.

It will be a great story to tell but chances are you will never see that person again and once again complain about how single you are.

Don’t get me wrong I love my friends, but they have a tendency to think this way more often than not.

I’m not claiming that I haven’t been this way either, but within the last year or so I have changed my mindset in the whole dating game so I’m past the superficial stages of having a “type”.

Two of my best friends have VERY specific types of guys they want to date or see themselves with, down to their race and the way they smell. Majority of these required characteristics are solely based on appearance and their personal desires.

I tell them all the time it’s so ridiculous because that’s eliminating like 95% of the men in Chicago. But they stick to it when we’re out and most of the time it ends in disappointment.

Now I’m not tooting my own horn, but usually if I saw a guy I wanted – I could get him. But that’s just my personality, I’m a go getter and won’t stop until I achieve a goal. But even for me, after each trophy was acquired I was left feeling empty and alone.

It took me what felt like forever, but I started to go after the type of guy I needed in my life. Someone who challenges, motivates me, listens to me, genuinely cares about me and overall makes me a better person. And those are the guys I wish my friends would start to look for.

My sister is a perfect example of someone who switched her dating habits from guys she wanted to guys she needed in her life.

I’ve unfortunately seen her date the most attractive men but they were all awful for her and in the end broke her heart. There were a few who were an exception to the rule but that was until last September.

Let me tell you guys, her current boyfriend is everything she’s ever needed in her life. Smart, sophisticated, outgoing, positive, motivating, and supportive and he has all his shit together. He not only complements her but he makes her a better person. I’ve never seen her happier.

Sure it’s okay to indulge in our wants and desires every now and then. We work hard so we’re allowed to play harder whether it’s dropping a few hundred at the mall or buying one too many shots of Fireball at the bar and making out with a stranger.

Go for it. Turn down for what.

But for those reading this and are looking for something serious, go after the guy or girl you need in your life. Sometimes they turn out to be that hottie at the bar, if so seriously CONGRATULATIONS. Your children will be beautiful. Or they might be disguised as your best friend of the opposite sex you’ve locked in the friend zone for much too long. You never know.

I talk a lot about self-worth and knowing what you deserve and not being afraid to take chances. This is one of those situations.

Let that person out of the friend zone and explore the possibility. They’ve already been around this long and have probably seen you change your mind a thousand times about everything, so if it doesn’t work out at least you tried . At the end of the day they will still be your friend.

I mean, I told my best friend that I basically loved him and cried for hours only to hear that he didn’t exactly feel the same. The funny thing is, we’re closer than ever now and it’s because he was honest and genuinely cared about my feelings.

The hottie at the bar probably won’t care. I can guarantee that. Expand your horizons.

We tend to put blinders on, especially when it comes to dating, and only chase our wants instead of our needs. It’s time to take those off and see there’s an infinite pool of great people in the world.

They may not catch your eye at first glance but they will definitely be worth your time in the long run. You’ll need it.

[rabr2592]

Giveth or Taketh Away?

"...second chances are for assholes." At least that's what author R. M. Drake believes. I posted the full version of this quote on my IG recently and it stirred up a few questions: How many second chances have I given? How many second chances have been given to me? And am I an asshole? As humans, we have a tendency to fuck things up. If we didn’t we would be perfect and the world would be boring. Whether it's a mountain or a mole hill, human error always finds a way to surface even when things seem to be going quite swell. I know that I have done things that probably have not deserved any form of forgiveness. And still, those people I've hurt in the past found a way to allow me back into their lives. So I figure if they can do it, why can't I? I used to be one of those people who would by any means NOT give a second chance. I would hold a grudge for like a year before even considering forgiveness.

Stole my pen? Pushed me too high on the swing? Accidentally spilled ketchup on my jumper? We are done. FOR-EV-ER. Clearly, that was so stupid and very naïve but at the time those actions of betrayal were unforgiveable and you were not given a second chance to be in my life.

Everyone has this imaginary list, usually for relationships. Don’t pretend like you don’t. That list of unacceptable actions that if performed officially cross the line and undoubtedly banishes the wrong doer into the flames of hell and out of your life.

These days my list isn’t too long anymore, while others might have lists as long as a grad school thesis.

It’s taken some time and a countless number of experiences to reach this point, but I really have become a firm believer in giving second chances to those who truly deserve them.

Remember, lists are always easy to make but much harder to stick to. It’s like grocery shopping. We make a list but sometimes that gets thrown out the window when the Riesling is half off and there’s a 2/$3 sale on Oreos.

One of the first items added to my list was in 9th grade when I met a guy who was friends with my cousin. If anyone knows my family, that should have been a red flag right there, but I continued to talk to him.

After 3 months of spending a lot of time with this guy and him meeting my family, I received a text one night from his girlfriend of over a year saying she knew about me and he broke up with me. I was heartbroken and cried for days.

In the end, she dumped him and we briefly bonded over his shittyness but that was the moment I knew I would never give a guy a second chance if this happened to me in the future. And the list continued to grow.

The funny thing with this list of unforgiveable actions are that they’re actually all hypothetical. The first time you’re convinced you will never let it happen again…until the moment history repeats itself.

Four years later I was faced with the exact same situation freshman year of college. It went on longer than 3 months this time.

Another long-term girlfriend, another broken heart for me. But this was the last straw. And I’ve never let it happen again.

So you have to decide: Is your list written in pen or pencil? These experiences can be a blessing and a curse. They can make you stronger and build you up. Or they can weaken your soul and break you down.

A few friends of mine found strength over time. Being cheated on, verbally abused, and never truly appreciated their relationships made them realize that they deserved so much better and will find it someday. With or without a significant other.

And then there are a few that can’t seem to find that strength and hope and still struggle with confidence and self-worth. Too many second chances given to those who don’t deserve it lead you to believe you’re not worth anything better than what you’re getting. This is what pisses me the fuck off.

In some situations we need to throw out the pens and pencils and pull out the blow torch for these lists. Carve them into a stone tablet Ten Commandments style, hypothetically speaking.

We’re at the age where we shouldn’t accept anything less than we deserve. No more bullshit. It doesn’t need to be on a physical list but we need to stop allowing toxic people to inhabit our lives.

The minute you allow a little leeway is when you’re decreasing  your own self-worth and happiness.

If you choose to grant a second chance to a serious offense, be sure the offender is putting forth continuous genuine effort to amend their mistake. Actions speak louder than words and “I’m Sorry” just shouldn’t cut it anymore.

In the end, you ultimately decide what is the best decision for you. A second chance is always a risk whether it’s given or taken. I’m pretty liberal these days because I know what it’s like to be on both ends of the seesaw.

So maybe I am an asshole or I’m quite possibly surrounding myself with assholes, but the people I have in my life are all so incredible and have proven to me they deserve my love and attention.

The choice is yours. I’ve made my decisions and I’m damn well happy with them.

[rabr2592]

Eenie, Meenie, Minnie, Mo...

...decisions, decisions.

I hate making decisions, that’s why I never did that well on tests in school. But boy, I had to learn the hard way.

In my adult life, the word ‘investment’ has slowly but surely started to take over everything I come into contact with.

The odd transition into a world of smart, pre-meditated, long-term decisions is a tough one.

I’m all about living in the moment and YOLO-ing, but now-a-days I have to think before acting. All the time.

Take shopping for example. I used go shopping every 2 weeks I got my paycheck working part-time as a barista in college. The pay was decent for a college gig, but back then all I had to worry about was what to wear and what I’m drinking that night.

It was a simpler time, Hakuna Matata.

I went shopping the other day and spent about 2 hours in the store. You may think it was because I was buying so many clothes. OH NO. It was because I had to decide if the 4 tops and 1 dress I wanted to buy were worth the retail price and if they were multi-purpose.

Can I wear this to work AND also to the bars? How many pairs of bottoms do I have that can also match this? Would I be able to wear this to a wedding or birthday outing? If I buy these, will I be able to pay my student loans this month?

SO MANY QUESTIONS. Eventually I bought them, it was time to update the spring wardrobe anyway.

It’s funny because I finally I understand why it’s called pay day. It’s not because you’re getting paid, it’s because you have to pay all your bills that day and see what you have left to live off of for 14 more days.

Who thought that was a good idea? A lot can happen in 14 days. How about every 7 days, getting paid every week would be so much smarter. Whatever.

Friendships tend to be investments too. It was so much easier being in school doing this one.

My best friend who lives in North Carolina and I have to work much harder at maintaining our friendship, especially with our schedules and time differences and being adults. It’s tough but we still manage to do it.

Over the years I’ll admit that I had to end some friendships because of the fact that myself or the other person didn’t invest enough time in it. But at this age I’ve realized who my true friends are, because no matter the distance or how busy our lives get, we make sure to put forth everything to keep it going.

One my worst days, these are the best investments I’ve ever made.

For most, my current investment is sometimes the most stressful of all: dating. You have to decide how much of your time, energy, emotions, sometimes money, on searching through a plethora of singles you would consider spending time with soberly.

Tinder, Hinge, Happn, OkCupid and all the other social dating apps, are already ridiculous overwhelming on their own. There’s like a 0.01% chance you will find someone on there actually worth your while.

Yes it’s true, I had profiles on all those stupid sites then I realized I wasn’t investing my time the way I should have been. If I’m looking for something serious, these superficial apps were not the right path for me. Delete, delete, delete.

Let’s be real here. There are a sea of freaks that inhabit the city of Chicago. And I’m pretty sure majority of them are on these apps. I have friends who can attest to this from the awful dates they’ve been on.

Wasting your time swiping right and deciding if you want to say “Hey what’s up” or something witty based off of 6 photos and a quote from Michael Jordan is not a good investment.

Grow some balls and invest your energy into going directly up to someone to introduce yourself. That is a smart decision.

Once I put down my phone and looked up at what I was missing, I realized the dating world isn’t so scary. It’s all a matter of perspective.

If you’re not confident in your own skin and can’t bounce back from the seemingly, earth-shattering (not really) idea that not everyone in the world is going to be attracted to you, then maybe you should stay on your phone.

Convenience is wonderful, I love things that are much easier for me. I praise the gods (aka my sister) every day for introducing me to Postmates. There’s nothing like getting Bdubs delivered to your door when you’re hungover.

But I don’t believe that dating should be “convenient”, our generation is so lazy sometimes. It’s nauseating.

It doesn’t need to be old fashioned courting or a guy holding a boombox outside your window, but there should be purpose and honest effort behind dating someone. Clicking an “X” or check mark continuously for 30 minutes has no purpose.

I think if we all really thought about what or who we choose to invest ourselves in, we would definitely make smarter decisions. Almost every stupid or questionable thing I’ve ever done has come as a result of not thinking it through before I acted.

I have no ragrets – not even a single letter – but over the years I have learned that I should make much wiser decisions in my life. It’s taken some time but honestly, I’ve never been happier.

Make smart investments. There's no wrong time to make the right decision.

[rabr2592]

The Bar is Too Damn High

5. 4. 3. 2… Who doesn't love a good countdown? Essentially from the day we are born, our entire lives are one big countdown to when they will end. It’s morbid, I know, but it’s the truth. We can’t escape them. 

And with the repetitive and exhausting 40-hour work week lifestyle the majority of us live, counting things down are what keep us sane most of the time.

Doesn't matter if it's just going home to relax or jetting off to Mexico, we tend to countdown everything we do. I swear every time I talk to someone they're telling me how excited they are for (insert super-important-life-event here) and how many days are left until said event. My friend has officially started the countdown to her milestone birthday. Another has (finally) reached the single digits to moving to her own apartment. And I have been oddly counting down the days until I have The Talk with a certain someone, which I'm avoiding and severely dreading. But why? I'm sure most of you don't care about my dating life. Probably because you're either in a relationship, married, or single as fuck. Like I said, pure honesty in this blog.

I won’t fully divulge into my current love life, but long story short I’ve met someone who is the male equivalent of me. Extremely outgoing and personable, great sense of humor, fun, adventurous, obsessed with movies and food, and most importantly – weird.

It’s been about 4 months – which seems like an eternity to successfully be dating someone in Chicago – but things are going pretty well and now I’m counting down the days until we have The Talk. BUT WHY?

For those not familiar with this foreign concept because you've either embraced the single life and don’t care that much or are a serial dater and have never been single a day in your life, The Talk is the moment you and your special someone discuss where your relationship stands.

Keep it casual? No strings attached? Add a label? End the whole thing? Are we in love already? Possibly get married? There are SO many ways The Talk can go, which is what makes it so nerve-racking. Complete uncertainty.

And that’s why, because I’m setting my expectations pretty high. If it doesn't go the way I hope, I would honestly be devastated.

I’ve gone into The Talk with guys in the past with the highest level of confidence that things were headed in the right direction only to be blind-sided by, “I want to focus on my business over my pleasure, we should end it.” I kid you not, that is a true story.

What a douche.

Nevertheless, there will always be situations we walk into not knowing the outcome. The fear of the unknown is what stops many of us from going after what we want. But it shouldn't.

Even the holidays, birthdays, and celebrations we spend every waking minute constantly counting down to can have unpredictable outcomes.

Moral of the story is, expectations are life ruiners. And naturally as humans, we always expect too much. Why, you ask? Here is the answer: the media.

Most of our expectations are unrealistic and completely fashioned after all the BS we see in the media today. Don’t deny it, they are.

If I gave myself one dollar every time I heard a friend compare their current relationships to someone else’s – whether it’s a celebrity or someone we know from high school – I would actually be a millionaire.

Swimming in cash, wiping my ass with it and burning it for shits and giggles…because I would be filthy rich.

Lately, I’ve been aiming to keep my expectations as low as possible. Basically non-existent. My ex and I expected way too much from our relationship and in all honesty I think that was a major reason it ended – among other things.

We are flawed. All of us. And expecting pure perfection from a significant other or an important life event is setting us up for failure from the get go.

Now let’s be clear, I’m not saying to 100% abandon the idea of anything being #flawless (thanks Bey).

Once in a while we have a breathtaking moment that seems like it was taken right out of a Nicholas Sparks book. Or an unforgettable party that was Project X level, midgets and all.

But there is a fine line between embracing reality and being unrealistic.

It’s great to countdown and look forward to exciting or life changing moments, but it also puts a very heavy burden on the expectations we create for it.

If it ends up not living up to the image we've created in our minds, then we are unhappy and disappointed instead of just experiencing that moment and what it has to offer.

Who cares how it turns out? It either a great experience or an awful memory. And both are always great for storytelling.

A quote from Eric Hoffer says, “Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy - the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation.”

Throw out the unrealistic expectations. Optimism is important, but also stay realistic throughout life. Don’t go bankrupt. Lower the bar a little and learn to just live in the moment.

If we are yearning for wealth, let’s choose to be rich from within. I’m looking forward to the day where I completely abandon the idea of expectations. Each day is one step closer.

Let the countdown continue.

[rabr2592]

An Introduction: Proceed with Caution

No BS. No sugar-coating. No fluff.

Welcome to The Experiential Exchange.

WARNING: Proceed With Caution. 

All of the posts I plan to share with my readers will come from what I observe in my everyday life. The norm: work, my friends, social media, my family, dating and relationships. 

This will be a place of pure honesty. And if there’s one thing you should remember throughout this blog, I’m brutally honest.

If by chance you - the reader - happen to fall into any of the fore mentioned categories, you may not want to continue reading. Shit will get real. But no worries, names will never be used.

All i can hope for is that you can understand and respect my opinions on the different situations that come to light. You don’t have to agree with it, but please respect it.

This is America, right? Hashtag, free speech.

And for the readers who are not, welcome to the occasional glimpse into my life as a female, 20-something, young professional living in the greatest city in the world: Chicago. 

Most people who know me would say I’m an upbeat, down to earth, positive, “up for anything” and extremely open-minded individual. Borderline hippie level at times. Once labeled by my best friend as being the “Crazy Friend” on Facebook attached to several characteristics listed in a BuzzFeed article.

Honestly, I was more honored than offended. It’s hard work maintaining that title. Exhausting actually, but always a good time.

Life is not meant to be lived in the shadows. Life is not for playing it safe until you croak. It’s meant to be experienced to the fullest every day, the good and the bad. “YOLO”, as once quoted by a Canadian rapper. 

Mistakes are meant to be made and from those mistakes come lessons. Take those lessons and apply them to your life. Just because we’re getting older doesn't mean we’re magically going to become wiser (although that would be pretty sweet).

Albert Einstein once said, “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Don’t be insane. Or at least try not to be.

If I was doing the exact same thing now as I did 5 years ago, please send me to the looney bin. If I didn’t make those mistakes and learn from them, who knows where I would be now? Probably still chasing college athletes and frat bros as a 7th year senior and drinking Svedka like water.

The moral of the story is, if you proceed with too much caution you never take any risks. Everyone must take a leap, fall really hard and learn how to pick yourself back up again.

Falling is like a piece of cake to me now. Not going to lie, I still fuck up a lot in my adult life. Down and up and down and up again. We all fall down. It’s human. The objective is continue to get back up. To never stop gaining strength and perseverance from it.

In my favorite poem by author R.M. Drake, he says, “…when the indefinable become familiar, then I urge you to keep going, to keep finding…to keep on experiencing yourself until you know so much it terrifies you.”

That is what we should all strive for. Don’t proceed with caution. Proceed with intrigue and the raw desire to truly live.

So congrats! I told you to proceed with caution and you made it to the end. You’re officially a risk taker. Now close your laptop, put down your phone and go experience something great.