oceanicsloom-blog

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I’m Moving

I texted my younger sister yesterday. She may be younger, but she’s already married, living on her own, and now she’s a mother. I texted her, asking if she remembered the Powerpuff Girls game she used to have on GameCube. I don’t know why I thought about it, but I asked if she remembered how difficult that game used to be. We laughed, knowing that if we were to try and play it today, the part we always got stuck at would probably be close to the beginning.

I texted her again later in the day. I wanted to rant a bit about our mom, it’s something we both do every now and then. I asked her, and I quote, “if mom managed to lose weight and was close to your weight and started wanting to take full body pics with you, would you feel really uncomfortable?”. Her reply was, “oh my god, what? That’s awful! Like comparing sizes? That’s so terrible don’t do that”, which is exactly how I’d been feeling. My mom isn’t one to ask for pictures together, let alone full body pictures. I told her I wasn’t interested, and that I didn’t want to be compared. She became slightly defensive, but there wasn’t much said in an attempt to deny that she wanted the picture for comparative purposes.

This conversation with my sister sparked her asking me to move in with her and her husband. She said she understands how toxic of an environment it is here with the parent’s, and she wants me out. It isn’t the first time they’ve asked me to move in, but previously I had told them no. I convinced myself that I was better off here, but I believe I’m finally realizing that this environment is mentally and emotionally taxing. So I agreed to move in with my sister.

They don’t live very far from my parents, and their house is plenty big enough for me. I’ve been there many times before, and I’m typically the one who would go watch the dogs while they were away. I don’t plan on living with them long. My plan has always been that as soon as I can get a job in the medical field, and start earning enough income, then I can afford to get my own small apartment. I could last with my parents until I’m ready to live on my own, but my sister reminded me I didn’t have to. That I’m not forced to stay in a toxic environment. 

They want me to move in ASAP, and offered to come help me move today. I asked if they would attempt to call me my name, rather than my birth name, and maybe use they/them pronouns if they couldn’t use he/him. She said they would do their best, and that’s all I can ask for. My parent’s don’t attempt whatsoever. It’s already such a different feeling than I’m used to, and I haven’t even started boxing my belongings yet.

However, I did say I’d like to be moved in by this weekend. So perhaps I should go start boxing up my things. This is a big change, and I’m excited but nervous. It’ll be fun.

[oceanicsloom-blog]

I’m Trying to Get Better

Today’s Tuesday. Last Thursday, I discovered that the person I’ve been in love with for over 3 years isn’t everything I thought he was. I felt like my world turned upside down, only 5 days ago. I didn’t let myself cry. I smoked my last cigarette that day.

But the day after, I found some vicodin stashed in the back of the medicine cabinet. It was old, nobody currently needed it. So I started taking them, knowing they can get you ‘high’. There were 6 total, and I took two each day. I had a really nice, relaxed high for a couple hours the first day. The second day, the high was so intense that I laid down and fell asleep, and when I woke up, the high was gone. The third day, this past Sunday (which was Mother’s Day), I took one to see if I’d get the same effect. I waited an hour or two and didn’t feel much, so I took the second one. That high was more like the first one, nice and chill. I felt nothing. Physically nor emotionally. It was really great, and if I could do it again, I would.

That being said, I know I should probably seek therapeutic help. And I just might, if I had insurance and could afford it. Unfortunately, I’m broke. The money I do have needs to go toward a new car (mine’s been totaled), and after that, I believe I need quite a few shots for school. And without insurance, they’ll be pretty costly.

Back to the point. Thursday was just an entirely weird day. I was beyond upset, I wanted to cry. I wanted to break down. I wanted to fall apart. But I had the last final of the term to take in a few hours. So I pushed it all aside and got ready for the exam. And I feel like I passed it with flying colors. I felt very proud of myself, and even after the exam was done, I didn’t fall apart. I still haven’t.

I don’t know how or why it turned my life around the way that it did, but I feel a little more in control of myself. I’m overweight, and my mom’s always been heavier than me for my entire life. However, she had weight loss surgery not too long ago, and she’s finally about the same weight as me. In a weird way, it kinda put things into perspective a little. I need to lose weight. So yesterday, when I was home alone for the first time in a while, I did a few situps and pushups, ran in place, did some stretches. I just felt like working my body a bit. I’m very unhappy with it.

I did 10 pushups (on my knees because 1, pushups are hard, and 2, i’m weak), 10 situps, went back for another 10 pushups, did 10 more situps, and then i started running in place and doing some stretches to try and cool my body down. I was extremely out of breath, but I felt good. Just proud of myself to get my body moving, ya know? Today, I added to that. I pushed myself to do a total of 30 pushups (still on my knees, I’ll work up to real pushups eventually), 30 situps, 20 squats, 10 lunges, and I actually ran around the inside of my house a few times. I think my legs are the most sore, but I feel it everywhere. And I’m proud of myself. My mom’s dropping weight without lifting a finger, due to her surgery. But I’ll drop weight by actually working for it.

My parents and I don’t have the best relationship. But I’m not trying to lose weight solely to spite my mom. I want to be a doctor someday, and I don’t want my patient’s looking at me and thinking “yeah, like I’d listen to a doctor that can’t even follow his own advice”. I want to be in shape and healthy, not just for me, but for my future patients. Maybe I can inspire them, or even a stranger, to get better.

I’m trying to get better.

[oceanicsloom-blog]

A Lazy Introduction

You can call me Louie. I’m 24, and transgender (ftm). I want to turn this blog into more of a journal, so that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’ll be updating it periodically, assuming I don’t forget it exists. I don’t expect much to come from this, but I do believe it may be a good way for me to... release some built up emotions, I guess. I’m in the process of redecorating. But I think I want to make my first update, while I’m thinking about it. I can always go back and change things around later.

I’m currently enrolled in nursing school, aiming to get my Associate’s of Science in Nursing (ASN). I still live with my parents, for now. I am currently without a car (actually got in an accident the very last day my school was open, before Covid-19, and haven’t gotten another yet). I am technically employed at Buffalo Wild Wings, but I’m on a pick-up only schedule, per my request. I hardly pick up shifts anymore, I really hate that place. I’ve been playing a lot of Stardew Valley, lately.

I feel like this may be starting to turn into my first journal-type post, so I’m going to go write that up now.