notmuchofablogger

[notmuchofablogger]

Do you ever just

Do you ever just suddenly cry in the middle of the night?

Because I do, more and more as days go by.

The worst part of it is that I don’t know why.

Might be the loneliness, might be hopelessness,

Might be the weather, might be the movie I saw.

It might be the chaos all around me, 

but might also be the chaos inside me.

[notmuchofablogger]

I think the concept of getting into relationships again scares me

To say that my recent break up is traumatic, is an understatement. 

It had been my first relationship and it’s safe to say I gave my all to that relationship. For years, all I have ever done was to bend my principles to please my partner. 

To be fair, he wasn’t all that bad. He was supportive and fun to talk to and was always there when I needed him. Our relationship only had one issue that started small but it was repeated enough times that it broke me. But no, there isn’t a third party.

We have seriously considered us spending the rest of our lives with each other. We have talked about where we wanted to live and how he’d build us a house first while I support my younger siblings. I pictured a future with him. But that was until I broke up with him.

Now we have our separate lives. It hadn’t been very long since then but it definitely had a long and exhausting epilogue. Maybe I was heartless because I cut him off during the most challenging time in their family but I also didn’t want to make him believe I was fine with all that was happening. I didn’t want him to think what he did was okay and that I will tolerate it. I knew it wouldn’t do us any good in the future. 

I think the concept of getting into another relationship scares me. The thought of having to introduce yourself again, lay down all your walls, show all your secrets and reveal all your sides to a person without guarantee that they will never hold it against you or attack you is scary. I used to think I looked forward to the next time I’m going to love again. Maybe a part of me still looks forward to that but I also feel afraid. 

I’m afraid that my future partner would think I’m easy and that I’ll give him my all as I did my ex. I’m afraid that they’ll judge me when they see the sides of me I hide from the public. I’m afraid they’ll betray me and tell everyone all that they know about me. 

But as I am afraid, I think that love is a gamble. You gamble yourself into a relationship with someone you also don’t know. You take a gamble in believing that the other person will take the same gamble. And all you can every do after that is to hope for the best. You hope that they’re the one you would spend the rest of your life with. Or at least hope they’re a decent ex who wouldn’t talk shit about you and reveal your secrets when you break up.

It will take me awhile to be ready for relationships again. I’m going to use that time to focus on me. I believe that after all of this, I’m going to come out stronger than I will ever be. 

[notmuchofablogger]

this is my i wanna write something but i can’t think of anything to write about post

actually, i have so many things in my head right now but I don’t want to cry anymore so i’m not going to write them. hehe

[notmuchofablogger]

It’s my passion project coming to life! Give it a listen when you have time. It’s also available on spotifyyyyy. 😊

[notmuchofablogger]

What am I willing to struggle for?

 I’ve had the pleasure of having too much free time lately and I have decided to spend it watching countless youtube videos and binge-watching a handful of tv series in addition to lying down in bed and falling asleep every 15 minutes. I recently got an iPad for school purposes and reading because I’m a broke uni student and bookworm who can only afford to search the web for free, often illegal, ebooks for school and leisure. 

I’ve recently acquired a copy of the book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” by Mark Manson. I’m still in chapter 2 but this book has got me thinking a lot already. Hence, this essay, article thing, whatever you call it.

I’ll try to answer the question that is the title as honestly as I can. It’s 3am anyway, it’s honest hour.

So, context. I am currently a second-year Chemistry major and boy is it a struggle. I haven’t passed a single quiz, long exam, test, whatever, since the start of this semester. I’m also mostly relying on my government scholarship to be able to pay for school because well, it’s the university, it’s expensive as heck. In addition to that, I’m also working part-time as an ESL teacher, faking my age and educational background and attainment because I’m that desperate for income. To be fair, my “manager” (quotation marks because I don’t really know what his position is but he sort of acts like our manager anyway) was the one who faked my profile to the agency. I submitted a truthful resume and I just found out they changed it about 3 months in the job when someone from the agency asked if I was a teacher because I said I was busy with school. I asked my manager about it and he said to tell her I am a post-graduate student. But that’s beyond the point. The point is, I’m struggling.

Do I like this struggle? Are you kidding me? Who likes to struggle? Not me! I certainly don’t want to cry multiple times because I broke an expensive thermometer in the lab which will cost me about a third of my monthly salary. And it’s not the only lab class I have. And it’s not even half the semester yet. Who knows what else I’m gonna break? I certainly don’t want to think about my failing grades and losing my scholarship which means I can’t continue studying because there is no way my parents will be able to pay for my tuition while also paying for the mortgage and sending 3 more kids to school on top of feeding us and making sure we have water and electricity and other basic necessities. I also don’t want to think about how slow I am in classes and that I need more time to absorb lectures more than all of my classmates and that I’m probably stressing my professors out because I’m just dumb. I also don’t want to think about that essay I have to pass in 5 days that I haven’t even researched about even though I had enough time to write all these on Tumblr. Most of all, I don’t want to think about how maybe I’m not for this field, maybe I’m not meant to be a chemist after all and I just wasted 2 years' worth of energy and resources. 

But I made this choice. It’s still true that I enjoy chemistry. I’m happiest when I’m in the laboratory even though I have to pay that expensive thermometer at the end of this semester. I’m still happy even though my professor once scolded me because I didn’t think clearly about what solvent system to use when I recrystallized my solid unknown. I still look forward to school even though I have 7:30 classes and I have to meet a professor I don't particularly fancy at 10 am later that day. I’m still excited about what else I’m about to learn and how I can relate it to things and happenings around me.

Is this what Mark Manson meant about struggles I’m willing to take? Nevertheless, I do think this is a struggle that’s worth it. If ever I fail now, I’m probably going to do my best to get another chance. I have felt so passionate in my life than I am about finishing my chemistry course. Well, I’ll willingly suffer day by day until I can say that all these sufferings definitely are worth it. Someday, I’ll hold on to my license and cherish it because of all the struggles I have overcome in pursuit of it.  I’ll definitely read this again when I finally get to add RCh to my name. 

Good night!

[notmuchofablogger]

My struggles with writing

STORYTIME :)

Honestly, I’ve never written much creatively. I have also tried written journalism but I never get the chance to improve although I wanted to. I have also tried writing research papers as part of my senior year requirements but there were particular parts that I can’t seem to know how to write.

I grew up in a small city away from a third-world country’s capital. If you’ve lived in a third-world country, you’ll know that only big cities have the nice schools and facilities and other provinces often just get-by with what they have and they’re forced to make do with whatever resources they have available. During my elementary years, I had been fond of writing essays and always got great marks for them. However, our school, being a public school, did not have a journalism or writing club until I was on my last year. It was initiated by my teacher who found potential journalists in our batch. She invited us to a seminar workshop to teach us the basics of written journalism. Afterwards, she made us write our own article in which she judged. 

Long story short, I got in the club. But because I was a graduating elementary student, I wasn’t able to improve much during my stay in the club. And I focused more on my science fairs and competitions so I was never really an active member in the first place.

My family moved to a bigger city after my elementary days which was good because we had more access to resources but because of financial reasons, I was enrolled to a not-so-nice high school. During my high school years, there also wasn’t a club related to writing. There were just sports and a dance club and the choir. During my second year though, they started a journalism club again and I knew I had to try to get in because I loved writing and I wanted to continue what I had started during my elementary days. We were told to submit an original article and that we’ll be called for eliminations afterwards if they liked our article. 

I signed up for feature writing because I felt like that was my strength and I came up with a fun article about how to overcome stage fright. My article got me into the next round of the tryouts. However, the next round was very restricted. We had to follow a theme and a specific topic and a specific format. That was where I failed. I was so used to letting my mind take over and write just anything I can think of within the topic but I was uncomfortable that they specified a format. Also, they did not hand us prep info so I had ver little idea on what the topic was really about. Bottomline, I failed.

The sad thing with our high school was that only “achievers” get opportunities to join competitions inside or outside the school because they need extracurricular activities to further their grades. Yeah, it’s very discriminatory to those who have potential in different fields but that’s a story for another time.

That experience made me think that maybe I wasn’t for journalism. Maybe I was for creative writing. I tried writing poems and short stories. I even attempted to write a novel but they didn’t really last long and I gave up mostly because I was accused of copying my best friend’s work. It hurt me a lot and that’s another story for another time. (oomf looks like I’ll be doing more storytimes in the future)

Finally, senior high school. I got into one of the most known schools in the city, and maybe even the country, and I was really glad. However, there weren’t established clubs because our country just implemented grades 11 and 12. Instead of writing, I got into public speaking and debating during those two years. It still helped me with my writing whenever I do because my train of thoughts are more organised because of the training I got from debating. I wrote 2 research papers during those years as well but I have trouble with RRL. I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it soon, when I enter college.

Now that I am an incoming college freshman, and classes start in 8 days, I hope I can find the right outlet and community for me to improve my writing skills. I have a lot of ideas, hence my prompts (there aren’t a lot because I just started this), and I hope I can someday use one of my prompts to write my own piece.

[notmuchofablogger]

Time

Dor: There is a reason why God limits our days.

Victor: Why?

Dor: To make each one precious.

source - "The Time Keeper" by Mitch Albom

[notmuchofablogger]

Journal Prompt #4

Is there any dream that you had while you were sleeping that you cannot forget? What is it? Why can't you forget it? How does it make you feel? What do you think is the meaning of this dream? Why do you think you had this dream?

[notmuchofablogger]

Journal Prompt #3

They say that our memories are being altered by our brain slowly. What do you feel about this statement? Would you want to alter a specific memory? What memory would you wish won't alter forever?

[notmuchofablogger]

Journal Prompt #2

If you were to grow with an Alzheimer's Disease, what one memory would you want to keep? What does that memory make you feel? Why did you choose that memory out of all others?

[notmuchofablogger]

Journal Prompt #1

You've died but your angel says you can take one material thing to heaven. What would your pick be? Why is that your pick?

[notmuchofablogger]

Writing Prompt #2

Person 1: I think I'm in love with you.

Person 2: Do it again. You're not going to get her like that.

[notmuchofablogger]

Writing Prompt #1

It started raining as soon as I walked out of that place. Great, nothing is going as planned today.

[notmuchofablogger]

Last impressions are as important as first impressions. This dictates how you will be remembered.