nobody-cares-what-you-say-online

[nobody-cares-what-you-say-online]

I've been thinking about my job a lot lately. I love my boss and the work that we do, but I'm dissatisfied with my title and salary.

I'm trying to give my boss the benefit of the doubt, but some of the things that are happening feel reminiscent of my last role. When I worked there, I was promised a promotion within the first few months. However, years passed and the promotion never materialized.

I worked so hard, and I went above and beyond in my role on a daily basis. My reviews were always positive, and I was given extra responsibilities. I was always in the important rooms: leadership meetings, board meetings, partner meetings, etc. It was never enough, and the promotion was still dangled just out of reach.

When I finally left, I took my current job knowing that it was a lateral move. The salary was only a small increase, and the title was identical. I was so desperate to leave a stressful and harmful work environment, that I never considered how I'd feel about moving into a job that felt like a step in the wrong direction.

My new boss is great. She gives me constructive feedback, and she has great instincts. She supports me, and she's made it clear that she appreciates my work and wants me to stay here for a long time.

All of this is to say that I want to change my perspective. I want to stop comparing this job to the old one and comparing my boss to the abusive person I worked with before. They are completely different situations. I want to find the motivation to really focus and make a huge difference here. Starting today, I want to put 100% into this job instead of the half-hearted effort that I'm putting in now. If I don't see any improvement or room for growth after my next work anniversary, I'll start looking for a new job.

It's my nature to jump ship when things aren't satisfying to me, as I've been in so many situations where I've tried to change things for the better with little response from leadership. I think company loyalty is bullshit. But I'm going to really try this time and let those negative feelings be a thing of the past. I can't keep letting those previous bosses and managers determine my future.

[nobody-cares-what-you-say-online]

I was thinking recently about something that happened to me in my mid-20s.

I had moved to a new city after college, and I was volunteering for an event that I was really excited about but could not afford as an attendee.

[Side note: volunteering for things like this can be a great opportunity to hear the speakers and see everything while doing some low-level labor (directing folks to the right room, handing out programs, line control, etc.) You can usually sit in the back of the room during the presentations and wander around any exhibition halls during your breaks.]

At the very end of the event, I met another group of volunteers who had some shared interests. We exchanged numbers with the hope of hanging out again. A few weeks later, one of them texted me to invite me to a birthday party in a nearby park. I was nervous since I didn't know them well but decided to go. I had a lot of fun and connected immediately with them and some other people that they had invited. I was relieved to have found a group of friendly people in this city where the only person I knew was an old friend from middle school.

In what felt like no time at all, I had a large group of friends that I spent time with at least once a week. Most of the group was coupled and in their 30s, but there was one other single woman who was my age. It never felt awkward to be hanging out with a bunch of older couples, and they made me feel like I belonged.

One of the women and I became very close, and I also became close friends with her husband. After attending a holiday party with the whole group, she asked me to go with her to a nearby Target. We walked around, and she told me that she had a secret to tell me. After some cajoling on my part, she eventually admitted to me that she was no longer in love with her husband and wanted to leave him and come out as a lesbian.

This is the first time in my life that I have had a friend group where I was actively "out" as bisexual, so she knew that I had experience with dating women. I told her to be honest with her husband and talk through everything. I let her know that I was here for her if she needed anything.

A few days later, she told me that she had talked to him and that he was interested in opening their relationship so that she could have experiences with women without having to end their marriage.

After this, she started asking me for advice about dating women. We started to hang out more often without the full group, which was pretty normal, but she kept inviting me to things that seemed romantic, which was absolutely not normal. She took me to a romantic movie screening while everyone else was at a party together. She invited me to dinner and insisted on paying. I picked up on her hints and started to flirt back. In hindsight, this was a huge mistake. I was friends with her husband, and I knew that this situation would be messy. But I really started to fall for her.

We planned a full trip to the beach with our group and rented out a big Airbnb for everyone. She kept hanging out in my room, even taking off her shirt while laying in my bed with me so that I could lightly scratch her back while we watched TV. I went home from the trip with a sunburn and a massive crush.

One night after the beach trip we were texting, and she told me that she wanted to take a risk but was nervous. I encouraged her. She asked if she could come over to talk about it, and I told her that she could. She eventually changed her mind and decided to stay home.

The next night, we were supposed to meet up at a brewery for a live music event. I had already planned to go with my middle school friend, but the group was going to meet me there. We were planning to go over to my crush's house afterward for an after-party.

They never showed up at the event. I texted after it ended and asked if they were still having a party. Nobody responded. I called. The other single woman from our group answered my crush's phone on speakerphone. All of my friends were there. I asked if they would be hanging out for a while because I would get an Uber and come over. The woman said that they'd rather I didn't come over because I had been drinking. My crush and her husband did not drink, but the other friends in the group did. I mentioned that I had only had a couple of beers at the brewery, but they insisted that I was too drunk to hang out.

I was so confused. Our friend group had gathered at other people's houses before and drank together. I was not drunk.

The next day, I texted her to let her know how hurt I was by the phone call. I got a response from her husband as a group text to both of us. He told me that they were going to work on their marriage so they needed some space from me.

I was devastated. I stopped being invited to hang out with my friends. Everyone was so concerned about my drinking after the story they told. I didn't help matters because I started hanging out with a different group of friends and went through a messy, party phase for the next 6 months or so.

She blocked and deleted me on all social media shortly after this. A few months later, she left her husband for another woman who dressed and looked like me.

I blamed myself for this entire situation for years. Around the time that she left her husband, I tried to open up to another friend in the group about what had happened. I told her about how we had feelings for each other, and how I had been pushed out. This friend insisted that my feelings were one-sided and that my crush never felt anything for me. I convinced myself that this was true and that I was just some alcoholic homewrecker.

Anyway. I never told anybody this whole story because I was so ashamed. Looking at it now from the lens of a woman in her 30s who has a much better sense of self, it was completely fucked up what they did to me. I'll never know what happened between that couple, but they destroyed me to try and save their sham of a marriage. They made me feel ashamed of my bisexuality, and they made me question my perception of reality when they shamed me for my completely normal drinking habits. I'm not without blame, but I also thought that our flirtation was part of their open relationship and allowed. Obviously, the open relationship was a lie, or they had never really considered what it would look like in practice until I came along.

This all has a happy ending, despite the hurt that it caused. I didn't date anybody else for more than a year after it happened. I focused on myself, my career, and my friendships outside of that group. When I finally did start to date again, my friends were shocked to hear that I was going out with someone. I fell in love with pretty much the first person who came along. We've lived together for 5 years, and the time I invested in my career paid off. I have a job that I love and deep friendships that mean more to me that my time with her.

At the time, I thought I would never get over her, but now I so rarely think about her. This was the first time I ever really considered what happened in a long time. This is the first time I didn't blame myself.

I should probably be having this conversation with my therapist instead of writing it in an anonymous blog, but I guess I can just send her the link if I ever decide to share this breakthrough.

[nobody-cares-what-you-say-online]

Today is harder than most for some reason. My chest is tight, and my eyes and throat burn with unshed tears.

I miss places and people that I only knew for a short time. My heart is so full that it's breaking.

I talked to someone recently who said that a return to civilization after spending so much time in the wilderness felt like putting your thumb on a live wire. I feel so stripped down. It is nice to be scrubbed clean, but my skin is raw and sensitive.

Normal noises feel so loud. Crowds feel so vulnerable. I'm afraid to let anyone touch me, even accidentally.

I got so used to letting new people and new experiences past my barriers that my walls just came down, and now everything feels too close and too dangerous.

No goals or gratitude today. I'm too jumbled. Maybe tomorrow will be easier.

[nobody-cares-what-you-say-online]

I did it. I completed my goal for yesterday. I didn't do it perfectly like I had pictured, but I'm going to let that go. Progress over perfection.

I wrote in my journal last night and came up with a morning routine to do this morning. I slept in by 30 minutes, but then I got up and walked on the treadmill. I did my full skincare routine. I didn't finish some of the other tasks, like meditation and writing here, but I am revisiting and finishing up those things now that I'm done with work for the day. I wanted to do them in the morning, but it's more important that I DO them. The timing doesn't really matter.

Today felt refreshing. It wasn't the most organized day, but I think I'm making steps toward being a better and more recognizable version of myself. I spent less time on social media and finished some important work tasks. I meditated for the first time in months.

Gratitude: Today I'm grateful for my job. I really do love the work that I do, and I appreciate my boss. I think she's the kind of person that a lot of bosses think that they are. She's so supportive of me and straightforward when I need to improve. She gives me so much confidence in my work. She also approved a long leave of absence earlier this year, which was definitely unprecedented for our company. I couldn't have completed my aforementioned goal this year without her. Goal: I'm going to meditate again tomorrow. That is something I rarely make time for but that I really care about. It always makes me feel better, and I think it could help a lot to improve my focus and motivation.

For now, I'm going to go prepare dinner and maybe nap before the new TS album is released tonight. Today is a good day.

[nobody-cares-what-you-say-online]

I didn't write yesterday because I didn't complete my goal of focusing on work on Monday. I didn't want to admit it to the internet. This is the first time since starting this blog that I didn't complete my daily goal, which isn't too impressive since I just started writing here. My meeting with my boss was canceled because her pet is ill, so I got some extra time. Instead of focusing on work and accomplishing more in advance of our rescheduled Thursday meeting, I have been reading about celebrity drama on Twitter for the past two days.

Why am I like this?

I also just realized that I forgot to take my ADHD medication this morning, and it's almost too late to take it now. I have to take it before 11, and it's 10:50. Glad I noticed now and not 30 minutes from now.

I ordered a couple of books today to help redirect my focus. I got Women with ADHD and Atomic Habits. I'm not sure if reading will help, but I guess we will see. They should arrive tomorrow, so maybe reading will be my goal then.

Goal: Today's goal is partially tomorrow's goal. I used to wake up at 6am every day and do a customized "Miracle Morning" from Hal Elrod's book. I used the Morning Sidekick journal from HabitNest to set my intentions before bed and track my progress, and I loved it. I finished the whole first journal and then purchased volume two to keep my momentum going. I did about half of the second journal and then stopped. I don't remember what got me off track. That's not important now. What is important is starting again. I'm going to erase my progress in volume two and start over. I want to re-establish the habit of waking up early and taking at least 5 minutes to start my day off right. I've been starting my day by ignoring my 7am alarm and laying in bed on Twitter for an hour. It sucks the life out of me before I'm even fully alive. I hate it, and I don't know why I do it.

[Twitter is ruining my life, honestly. I need a serious Twitter detox. I hate the word detox, but I don't know what else to call it. I deleted the app from my phone, but I just open it in the browser. It's insane. I'm so addicted. Maybe my goal should be to quit Twitter for a week or something. But I kind of don't want to? I'll come back to that one. Yikes.]

Gratitude: I've been trying to hold back on using my partner for my daily gratitude because I'm most grateful for him. It feels like a cop-out. I could say I'm grateful for him every day, and it would be true. I would never run out of wonderful things to say about him. He's so supportive and kind and funny and sexy and amazing. Sometimes I don't know why he's with me. I never clean up after myself, and I'm always in some other world. But I love him and he loves me. I am so lucky.

[nobody-cares-what-you-say-online]

I wrote down 8 out of 10 goals last week, but I can't be here long because I have to actually get some work done in the next hour and a half. I have a check-in with my boss today on my projects that I haven't done much work on. She's an amazing boss, but she does expect me to at least do the bare minimum which I am about to do. I'm so good at procrastinating at this point that I am not even worried, which worries me.

Imagine how great my week would be if I just knocked out all of these tasks in the first two hours after our weekly meeting instead of waiting until the absolute last minute? I feel so annoyed with myself for putting this off.

This weekend was decent, so I'm going to start off fresh today. I went to a soccer game with my partner, which is always a good time. We hadn't done that in a while since we were out of town. I also baked some cookies from Taylor Swift's chai cookie recipe. She's releasing a new album this week, and I am excited. It's refreshing to feel excited about something.

Gratitude: Today I am grateful for my dog. I have two, so I'll be grateful for the other on another day. But today's gratitude is saved for her. I know I'm not supposed to pick favorites, but my cat is the love of my life and this dog is my best friend. It's hard to get into it much without putting more details here than I'm ready for yet, but we spent a lot of time together over the last year in relation to the big goal that I completed. She was my only companion on some very rough days, and I feel so connected to her because of that. I have so much love for her, and she will always be tied to that accomplishment in the most beautiful way.

Goal: My goal for today is to focus on work for at least an hour this afternoon. I have two regular check-in meetings on Mondays. One with the whole staff at 11am and one with my boss at 12pm. I usually fuck around on Twitter or Reddit after all of my meetings are done on Mondays. It is stupid, and it sets up my week for procrastination. Then I'm always stressed on Monday mornings when I have check-in meetings and no updates. I want to be better. I love this job, and I know that I'm good at it.

[nobody-cares-what-you-say-online]

I exercised yesterday like I said that I would, and I feel so much better for it. I also visited a friend. We didn't really talk about anything deep or real, but it still felt good to be with someone that I love and spend time with them.

I still didn't get as much work done as I wanted yesterday. I get distracted so easily so ended up doing another task instead. I hyperfocused on something less important, which is a trap that I often fall into when I am procrastinating. I get the dopamine of completing something, but I don't have any of the satisfaction of doing what I was supposed to do. I also have anxiety about not finishing my work. What if my boss notices and gets upset with me? I just returned to work after a leave of absence, but I can only let that excuse stretch so far. I need to get things done and get back to work. I like and care about my job, and I don't want to lose it.

I'm technically supposed to be working right now, but I think that starting my work day with this blog is kind of helpful. I can get some thoughts down and set intentions for the day before I dive into my to-do lists.

I still feel awful whenever I think about my completed goal. I'm glad and sad that my friend didn't ask about it yesterday. I don't want to talk about it, but I think about it constantly. I feel nostalgic about the days when I was just planning and preparing for it. I want to cry just thinking about it right now. I don't even know where to begin to move past this, but I think the first step is to find a new goal. I have no idea what it should be.

Goal: I think my small goal for today will be to do a short brainstorm of some new mid to long-term goals. I can start a list and write down 10 ideas. If that's too hard then I'll write down 5. Maybe then I will feel like I'm moving. Right now I feel like I'm at a complete standstill. I'm stuck and unable to push forward.

Gratitude: Today I'm grateful for my house. I'm so lucky to have a comfy, cozy, and secure place to live. So many people have housing insecurity or pay too much to just exist somewhere. I moved around a lot as a child because my parents could not afford to own a home. No place has ever felt like home because it always felt so temporary. This feels like my first ever home. My partner owns our house, and it has plenty of space for our family. Sometimes it's messy, like right now, but we are so fortunate to have this place that is ours. I am so thankful for this space.

[nobody-cares-what-you-say-online]

I wish I had the discipline and dedication that I used to have. I keep setting my alarm to wake up early and exercise, but I can't seem to do it anymore. It feels like there's no point. Health and wellness aren't motivating enough for me.

I can't seem to stay off social media and get back to work. I sit down for the day at 9am with all of the best intentions, but then I'm scrolling Twitter or Reddit by 10. I don't know why I do it. I hate hearing what everyone has to say. I hate being connected to the whole world. It just makes me angry and frustrated.

I have a to-do list that is a mile long, but it just gets longer because I don't have the energy to complete anything. I wish I had a reason. Without a reason, I just feel lazy and out of control.

I want to feel like a real person again. I should probably be in therapy, but that just adds more to my list. I have to track down a therapist, set up an appointment, confirm that they're covered by my insurance, and then actually go talk to this new person who knows nothing about me. It will take so long to establish the relationship. And what if I don't like them? Then I have to start all over again.

I feel like I'm failing myself and my relationship. I say that I want to be better, I think that I want to be better, but my actions are the opposite. "Actions speak louder than words," right?

I think writing this all down is the first step. I did some work yesterday after a pretty unproductive few days. I cleaned and felt a bit better. I just need somewhere to say all of this, even if nobody is listening. I need my thoughts and anxieties to be out there, recorded, published. I can't keep reaching out to friends who never seem to fully understand and who have their own issues to carry. I love them too much to burden them further.

There are so many good things in my life, but I focus so much on the negative. I'm never alone, but I feel so lonely and lost. I want to be better. I will be better.

I'm going to add some gratitude to this journal in an effort to focus on the wonderful things that I do have. Today I'm grateful for my cat. She's a beautiful little fluff ball, and she's always loved me. I adopted her more than 8 years ago, and she has been by my side ever since. She has seen some ups and downs, and she's lived in some crappy studio apartments with me. Now we live in a comfy house together with our family, and she absolutely deserves all of it. I tell her every day how much I love her, and I'm going to go give her some treats right now to make sure she knows that she's so special and precious to me.

Going to end this on a high note with a goal for today. Even though I didn't wake up early to exercise like I had planned, I can still exercise today. I'm going to get on the treadmill after work and walk for 30 minutes. I have plans to meet up with a friend at 7:30, so I will have plenty of time to walk, shower, and then drive over to her house. I will check back in on this goal tomorrow. I know I can do it.

[nobody-cares-what-you-say-online]

I finished a major goal last month. Something I'd been planning for a very long time. I thought I would feel accomplished or proud when I finished, but I feel listless. It's over. This thing I'd been imagining for the last decade is done. I'm not sure what to do now, and I just feel very sad and lost. My chest aches in a way that I've never felt before. Nobody around me understands. They all say they're proud of me, and then we move on. I wish they'd ask more questions, but I also dread answering questions. I wish I could tell them that I'm empty.

I could start something new and move on to the next goal, but I don't have the energy or drive that I used to have. I keep finding things related to that goal around my house -- lists of tasks in my desk drawers, items I purchased in the laundry basket, saved websites in my bookmarks folder. I can't get rid of any of it. It's done, but I can't let go. I can't move on.

I've been trying to focus on the other parts of my life. The small tasks of living, like cleaning out my closet or planning my meals for the week. I feed my cat. I make plans with friends. I schedule a haircut. I get dressed. I feel worthless and lost. I cry every time that I'm alone for more than 15 minutes.

I know I have more to live for, and I don't want to die or do anything drastic. I know that this is grief. But I'm so confused and angry that I feel grief when I thought I would feel pride. I hate that something so beautiful and important to me has turned into something that hurts. I am not good at feeling "negative" emotions. I want to skip this part.

[nobody-cares-what-you-say-online]

I know I'm late to the party bc I've never used tumblr before. I was more of a xanga bitch back when blogging was the thing to do. But now I'm in need of a journal that I'll actually use to write down some of my thoughts bc I have too many, and I think a blog is perfect for that. Writing in a notebook has never appealed to me because it feels lonely. Nobody is going to read this, but I can ramble on about my feelings while also knowing that there is a potential to be heard. Anyway, life is hard right now. I'm very tired.