namelesswater

[namelesswater]

finally remember the password to this blog. laughed as i read former entries before i stopped, both laughing and reading, because it’s no longer funny. or they were never funny, i just laughed because i couldn’t believe how miserable i was.

i’m not miserable now. i admit that. everything in the past and the future cease to exist to me and i live just day by day. it’s working out well. i talk to nhi a lot. i write with her. she is my closest friend. no, even more than that. my soulmate. my true one, finally. if i lose her i will die. i will literally die. i can’t lose anyone else. one look at the blog you would think oh i lost irene and i’m still alive now, but it’s different. nhi means different to me, closer to me than irene has ever been. or maybe that’s my mind erasing the past again, but i feel so comfortable and so insecure. i want her forever, more than i want anything or anyone else.

my husband is a different story. i don’t need to want him. i know he’ll always be there. if he doesn’t, i know exactly how i will perish.

i have new friends now, real friends, people i didn’t know three years ago but i do now and i intend to cling to them until the end of my days. kai and alice. alice especially, with whom i can feel something. like an old feeling. like a comfortable old feeling. i know things in this life are so impermanent they are so laughable. i’m just fighting the inevitable, but so what. i don’t have to fight anything else. i want them in my life.

i don’t know if i will read the rest of my entries. i want to but will i relive them or will i only laugh? it’s been years. have years turned everything into a memory i can laugh at, finally? sometimes i still dream of irene. sometimes i still envision us talking again. i guess the answer is no? but i don’t want or need her anymore. for the rest of my life, without her i will be just fine. songs that used to hurt me no longer do. memories are just faint sadness. years in the making my old characters are no longer tied to hers as i am slowly no longer tied to her.

maybe it’ll take a few more years until i can laugh at myself. but finally. finally things matter less.

[namelesswater]

there are so many things i couldn’t imagine losing in my life but did

or things i thought i couldn’t live without that i’m now living without

is that why sometimes i’m really unhappy?

people, in this day and age, some of them still use omegle

feeling really down today

[namelesswater]

had a breakdown trying to leave the house. is it normal? it's one of those days again. my husband was patient and kind to me, picking out my clothes for me and was okay with me ending up not going after all. after i had a breakdown. after i threw a shirt to the floor. i can just imagine him leaving me one day, finally fed up and done with me. maybe it's hard for me to be truly happy because i'm convinced people's kindness to me won't last and i got tons of evidence to back up this claim.

[namelesswater]

i have a lot of fears, but the one that haunts me from time to time is about writing. i think writing that reads beautifully is very important. style is almost everything to me. i scramble to create the perfect style for me, or at least the style that i love writing in instead of just read.

but i think, the reason why i'm always torn whether to write in english or indonesian, is because some part of me wants to be understood by the mass. and although english is accessible from people all around the world, most indonesians can't read english very well. this surprises me: i care about being understood by indonesians. it would be different if i were born a chinese singaporean, then i wouldn’t have any issues in writing with english instead of hokkien or mandarin. but indonesia is different. and that’s why i’m always torn, unable to continue, to move from where i am now.

but perhaps, one of the biggest fear in writing to me is that if someday i published a book and somebody out there read it and thought, how come this person (me), write so many words on a page and turn it into a book, only for the book to say nothing at all?

that there are no fresh insights in my writing, that the book is so much about trite things, superficial things and feelings, that i ignore my own privilege and don’t wrap my head around so many important things in this world. and that the book proves that i’m a fraud, a proof that at the end of the day, i’ve got nothing to say at all!

when i was younger i thought maybe i needed more sadness to write a book. i’m not always sad now, but i’ve been through sad things. yet i still can’t write anything or make meaningful things. do i just lack the ability to? maybe my whole life, i won’t be able to create anything substantial. or maybe i just won’t be able to create at all. that i’m a thoroughly mediocre person, with mediocre ideas and mediocre style. that i’m not as smart as i thought i was, not talented in something like i always thought i sure was! and i will have to live with that.

[namelesswater]

writing this while in a lot of pain urgh

but anyway talked a lot with nhi these past few days and i feel so happy!! she showed me her new writing and it’s as beautiful as ever. after we talked i actually managed to make a character for this stranger things forum i’ve been wanting to try and it’s my first tru writing in like a year. it’s like talking to her opened up some gates somewhere!

i’m nervous bc i never joined a new forum alone and also this forum is set in america. and also the character is white lol. i mean it is easy i guess to learn what a white character would do there are tons of white american tv shows for me to watch. except nah.. my character came from a small town in illinois lol i picked that looking at a us map. it’s rly generic. i hope nobody questions it.

an 80′s roleplay set in hk would be SO GOOD tho. tokyo would be nice too. oh fuck i miss tokyo and yokohama so much

ugh my husband wont let me take ibuprofen. i know it’s for my own good because the painkiller might damage my stomach again but ughhhh the painnnn

[namelesswater]

saw a video of a woman speaking softly in southern accent and suddenly i miss carol. she is cypy's mom. i call her mama, because calling her with just a name feels weird to me. it's the eastern upbringing. for all the times i've met cypy i've met his mother too. and i love her. she's really sweet. a different concept of a mother than what i'm used to. she is a kind mother, but also a white one. i think it's cultural. she's close to her kids and helps them even though they make mistakes. if i got pregnant out of marriage my mother would probably disown me, lol.

but it’s more than just that. she’s much kinder and more compassionate than my own mother, in general. my mother may forgive mistakes later on, but not big ones. as her child i know this, so i never make big mistakes in my life. though who knows? maybe getting married will be my biggest mistake in life. my mother wouldn’t see it that way. i don’t know yet how i would see it. though i’ve been lucky: the man my mother chose for me is a kind man who loves me a lot. at least there’s that. my solace, that this man treats me really kindly and puts up with all the shit that i bring with me.

there was no guarantee that i could really leave and live in the us, but by getting married to the person that my mother wants, i gave up that chance. i gave up all the trips i could have taken with cypy and his mother, i gave up all the opportunities and access, i gave up all the christmases and thanksgivings that i could have had. i gave up my best friend and my best friend’s mother, who was also my friend in a way.

though maybe i also gave up fear of being discovered by ice and got deported? maybe i also gave up the fear of living as a woman of color in today’s america?

i realized and maybe i’ve realized this for a long time, but everywhere it’s the same. indonesia and america are the same. in the us there are alt rights, white supremacists, and neo nazis. in indonesia, there are radical muslims. they are two sides of the same hatred coin. except in indonesia, i am ‘safer’ in that i am perceived as a muslim. i am more privileged because i am javanese. but also fragile because i am still a woman. in the us, i would be a person of color, a muslim (even just in name), an immigrant, and a woman. four strikes. maybe my life would be in more danger in the us. maybe my life would be happier in the us. maybe it wouldn’t matter where i go because no matter where i am, i am still me.

it makes me tremendously sad to think that i would never see cypy and his mother again face to face. maybe that’s what i deserve. but even so, i still want to see them. i hope one day i can.

[namelesswater]

had a board game and dnd sleepover last weekend with our dnd group and it was mighty fun. managed to stay awake until 2 am to play dnd. before dnd we played several board games and they were all fun, too.

when our dm told the other group (on hiatus bc one member recently had another kid), this specific member showed a surprise that my husband and i would sleep in separate bedrooms (luc and i got dibs on the biggest room lool. my husband shared another room with a male member and our dm slept on the big couch).

or idk it wasn't clear, maybe he was surprised my husband and i would go to a sleepover at all? because our dm said something like '(it's the perfect opportunity to do this) while i'm single' and then said 'oh yeah i forgot [my husband and i] are married'.

it felt a little like the member was judging me and my husband, which was fine it was harmless, but we did it all without thinking lol. both my husband and i like board games, video games and dnd so it just makes sense to be in the same group, like dnd groups are already hard to come by in jakarta (let alone indonesia). and our dnd group is already like rly good friends, so sleepover doesn’t feel like a big deal. and it wasn’t, aside from the fact that it was rly fun and we played and laughed a lot.

i joked around saying that my husband and i are like a single unit, but it does feel like that especially in our dnd group.

on sunday we had a big family lunch to celebrate my mom’s bday. felt like i’m already used to these events thanks to my husband’s family, tho of course it felt different when it’s the family u grew up with. anyway had a discussion with my lil bro and my cousin how our family was rly small. this is true. my mom and lil bro were invited to the aqiqah (explanation: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aqiqah ) of my niece and yeah ofc there were SO. MANY. PEOPLE there. my lil bro was like ‘who are these people??’. felt the same because our family is small and we would never have like a house that full of people still related to us.

anyway that was also fun. my mother was in an extremely good mood because on friday night my husband and i stayed over at her house and brought cake and candles for her to blow while we sang happy birthday. it was our general idea but my husband rly wanted to do it. he rly knows how to please his ex boss lol.

still can’t say if my decision to stay in indonesia and getting married instead of escaping with cypy is the better of the two but i’m glad i was there and she was happy.

tho i know my husband and i gonna have tough time soon because the both of us still don’t want babies and of course some relatives would fucking ask every time we meet looooool

anyway thats done. the weekend was to busy so now i’m sick (surprise). my body is aching all over and my throat hurtin and i have a headache but i cant take ibuprofen bc of my ulcer

swell!

[namelesswater]

my stomach is hurting lol i know, as a grown woman, that i should take my medicine regularly like what my doctors tell me to but sometimes i just don't do it even knowing the price! saw a video called optimistic nihilism on yt and tbh it makes me feel a lot better to think that as a human i am so small and insignificant. that i'm even smaller than a speck of dust in the observable universe. it makes me feel so relieved.

[namelesswater]

i have been missing irene so much, though the feeling is starting to go away for now. i'm watching a j drama called gomen aishiteru and i rly wish i could roleplay the plot because the main character reminds me of eiji! god i hate writing

there are so many things i wish i could talk to her about! same with nhi and cypy too tbh. i wonder how long will it take for me to not miss them so much anymore that it hurts. i want to miss them and i do think about them a lot but i also don't want it to matter so much to the point of it hurting ya know?

my life now with my husband is pretty peaceful. sometimes i still cry but it's pretty good! we don't have that much money but we can buy things that we want, play video games, and eat somewhere nice. we love trying out new restaurants. also we lowkey plan to go back to japan because i love the country so much ok i don't care if that's where i will go to every year!!

i hope i never run out of things to do with my husband, or things to talk about. though most of the time i don't remember what we talk about. god i am so spoiled by him. it feels nice and makes me feel warm but at the same time, how am i this spoiled?? is this okay?

but still i miss my friends. i miss cypy. i miss nhi. momma lil. of course irene. but there are also others like seul, rei, mysty and everyone else. i miss haven. ugh there is this place in yokohama called minato mirai 21 and that place is so haven?? that area is more haven than minato in tokyo would ever be! but who am i gonna tell this to tho, who will understand what i'm saying and get excited with me about it? bummer :(

[namelesswater]

we are not lovers; tragic or otherwise.

[namelesswater]

if i think what someone does or doesn't do is an attempt to slight me, is that a projection? it is, isn't it. or that is all true and i'm just a piece of crap as i have always suspected i was i don't agree with the saying that if you want to be loved you need to love yourself people who have self esteem problems deserve love too

[namelesswater]

whenever my husband wakes up a little at night while i'm still awake, he will look at me and give me a wide smile, as if in the brief moment he was asleep, he has already missed me and could not be happier to see me.

[namelesswater]

listen. sometimes there are days where i still really miss irene. and that sucks you know? like, is it stupidity that i keep missing someone who hurt me? is this a normal thing? is this a normal thing that's really stupid? what's the deal here? if i imagine someone else asking this question, i would tell them yes this is normal, you are not crazy and you're not stupid. but no one is around here who knows irene and knows me and can tell me this. and maybe if they were they would say, gosh, sas, this is really dumb. you are really dumb. and i would say, for real. i really didn't ask one of those sappy experiences of not talking to someone and still missing them, a little most of the time but really badly on some days. but guess what, bitch! you're going to feel it anyway! i don't need lang leav to tell me what i know. also i'm sorry but i think lang leav and rupi kaur are just bad poetry. but it's fine, some white men wrote even worse poetry and nobody hyped them all that much. except that fucking guy on instagram who wrote poems with cigarettes on the picture. i don't even know what i'm trying to say. i'm not trying to say anything. i'm just feeling very distraught right now and i need to turn the emotion into words. though, i am such a lousy writer i hate everything i'm writing right now. man, does everyone secretly hate themselves this much i wonder? my stomach is hurting lol my husband is really kind to me. he is really sweet. to make my life easier for example, why can't i just fall in love with him? i mean, i'm going to be kind to him. annoying, but i'm going to do my nicest and kindest with him because he deserves that much at the very least. i'm going to give my all. but to make it easier for me, why can't i just have all of these feelings for him and not get hurt because with him it is so gentle, it is so easy, it is so safe? god i hate myself for sounding this sappy instead of cool / brave / intellectual, but i know i'm going to hate myself anyway no matter what i write. the problem is not me being vulnerable. the problem is the problem is i need to be more patient.

[namelesswater]

felt terribly jealous in my dream to the point of crying, but woke up thinking something unrelated: a cherry blossom tree that is not crowded in tokyo at spring issa hoax!! had the endoscopy and biopsy done finally and found out i have peptic ulcers (more than one) and gaping pylorus. good for me they haven't bled yet, that we discovered them when we did. treatment could last for four months. thank fucking god for health insurance.

[namelesswater]

i got sick again!! welcome back gastrointestinal issues i've missed u. i shouldn't have skipped endoscopy just because i think i was fine loool but i'm actually rly happy because nhi sent me a message on insta telling me to get well soon!! i saw the message after i woke up at 3 am because of stomach pain. i was so happy. it felt like receiving a message from a crush. i ended up waking my husband to get me my medicine because suddenly it hurt so much. poor guy hasn't been sleeping well at night because i kept waking up in pain. after the pain was better i fell asleep and dreamed of g dragon.

[namelesswater]

my husband has two young cousins, pasha and allistair, 15 and 10. they used to live in france, but they moved to new jersey a few years ago. i love them. we took to each other almost immediately. i think because my husband's other cousins can't speak english very well, so when they found out i can speak english just fine so we talk a lot. they love spending time in my room. i let them play video games, or any toys they can find lying around. allistair is such a cute little thing! he's innocent, cheerful and spoiled. i always think i hate kids, but i guess i don't hate kids in this family. of course he talks like a kid and sometimes does annoying stuff, but i find them endearing. we joke a lot together and i grew really fond of him. i think i kind of miss having a younger brother who's... little. allistair's innocence is virtually untouched. he doesn't know what a lot of things are, including the word porn lol. his parents don't even allow him to watch stuff with bad words. and pasha, his brother, has been protecting him this whole time. pasha is this cool kid. the thing about him is that i can imagine writing him as a fictional character, so of course i like him immediately. at first glance i thought he's just this quiet kid who's very patient with his brother. i mean they fight a lot, but he never takes it to heart and just 'fights' with his brother to tease him. but the more i talk to him, the more i discover that pasha has this mischiveous side too. he said some really surprising things. only he can't really show it around his family because of his strict mother lol. (their father, on the other hand, is a handsome asian man who's lived in france for years. he dresses really dandy, the gay or european sort of thing. he speaks to the boys in french, is really sweet to them. he is also able to crack a joke with a completely straight face that you can't really tell he's joking or not.) the thing i'm impressed about pasha is how quick he makes up these answers every time allistair asks something he's not supposed to know yet. there are a lot of instances, but there's one time where it really stood out for me. one night my husband and i were naked in our room in bed when suddenly allistair went upstairs and knocked the door, asking to be let in. my husband put on pants hurriedly but i was still hiding under the blanket. my husband told allistair he can't come in yet, and gave him the psp so he could play games downstairs. allistair of course asked why the door had to be locked. without missing a beat, pasha said with confidence, "they're watching a movie that you can't watch yet." allistair went awwww but he believed it completely, then went downstairs. pasha followed suit. when it was all over and my husband went downstairs to get some water, he ran into pasha. my husband told me that the boy gave him a thumbs up and said "don't worry brother. i got your back." looooooool lol ok one more thing. we were talking about white privilege in the us and then allistair said, i don't want to be a white person. we were all teasing him, why don't you want to be white? think about all the privilege you can get in new jersey. and then allistair (10 y.o) said while his eyes were still on tv (he was playing something), 'yeah but i still have my dignity.' ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo pasha swore that he wasn't the one who taught allistair to say that. ok rly one more thing. i told allistair i'm going to miss him when he's back in nj. he told me to listen hello darkness my old friend on youtube. i asked him so should i listen to this everytime i miss you? he said no, when you're lonely. just listen to this every day. and i asked him do you want me to be lonely every day?? lol anyway they're going back to new jersey tomorrow and i'm going to really miss them!!! i hope next time i can visit them in nj.

[namelesswater]

feeling sad again today because yesterday night luc sent me the picture of us with cypy when he visited jakarta a few years ago. it just reminds me of how we used to be really good friends. couldn't spend a day without talking to him (except for when my depression flared up) and now i don't even know how he is. last time i tried to be friends with him again by trying to join his dnd group, but it wasn't the right time. i was sick (this was like a week or two before i was hospitalized i think) and he took it as me not being committed to it. i think he said something like i have a history of disappearing or something. can't go back to fb to check it because it still hurts lol but can't argue with that tbh. i'm truly the worst person! the dnd thing is fine though, because i have my own dnd group and even two campaigns to play. it's just that maybe i can't be friends with him again because i ruined everything. and because i used up all my courage to talk to him about the dnd thing, now i have no courage left to even strike up a conversation with him about anything. even there's so much to talk about. i'd even talk about donald trump!! maybe i have to wait it out until my courage meter fills up again but, sometimes i wonder how many years should pass before i talk to him and some of my friends again. maybe two? three? just enough time for all of us to heal, so that we can start fresh? or maybe that's just a wishful thinking on my part. whatever we had we can never get back again! it's all over and that's that. this is another one of those things that i don't know about my life yet. things change so much in just a few short years wow!! if i think about it i'm not ready for all of these changes but at the same time i'm already living them. maybe that's why i want to die a lot most days!! but really i don't feel that young but objectively 26 is still pretty young. but is it still justified to be this dumb, to not know whether or not i should just talk to someone or not. what if when i turn 30 and i still don't know? there's this character in murakami novel who died at the age of 26. it was a woman (in 90% of murakami novels, women disappear or die and the men are left dumbfounded each time; a singularity of men who never learn anything). i don't mind being a character of murakami novel / short story. to be that woman who just vanished from the world.