mydeepestdark

[mydeepestdark]

Everything hurts

I want to be done now

[mydeepestdark]

Still shit, but now with Zero income and no longer of any use to anyone

I feel like shit

I'm seeing so many "things I'm thankful for" and "good things this year" stuff

And I got nothing

Im not even thankful to be alive

No one talks to me

No one touches me

I'm no ones first choice

I'm old

I'm ill

I'm not making a difference no matter how hard I try

I don't do anything that other people can't do better and faster

I'm just redoing the same day over and over, waiting for it to end because I can't even summon the energy to do that

My family need my income to survive

I've never been no 1 in anyone's life, not even my own

The world is destroying itself

What's the point

[mydeepestdark]

There's so much shit I don't share, so many things I want to cry out on someone's shoulder, but there's no one for me to cry to.

There's no one that's physically close enough to sit with me.

Im no one's best friend or first choice.

Im annoying, I'm clingy, I'm weird.

I'm not prepared to date just to have a person to spend time with. I have no interested in romantic relationships. I wish I lived alone, but I wish I had someone to call.

I can count the times I've been touched by another human being in the last 4 months on one hand.

I know myself and the root of all my issues too well for any kind of therapy to help.

I tried therapy (again) I feel so much worse now I have a clear list of all my trauma.

Most of the people I thought were friends have suddenly lost interest now I'm unemployed.

Ive dropped the people who only called when I could be useful, and there are so few people left.

[mydeepestdark]

Calling out the Cray? or taking mental illness lightly?

Please excuse any rambling here, its more a stream of consciousness than a considered essay.

There is a lot said about people being ‘Cray’ in various fandoms.  I’ve yet to touch on a fandom that doesn’t develop factions and cliches within a few months of its inception, and there is invariably infighting and hateful behaviour on all sides.

It’s easy to label people as Cray or Nutters because they don’t agree with your point of view or they seem overly invested in their own opinion, but at the core of all the arguments and hate is the same simple issue. The right to an opinion.

We are all entitled to an opinion. When people feel so threatened by someone else’s opinion that they have to resort to bullying and threats of violence to defend their own opinion it must raise the question of whether they are as secure in that opinion as they want others to believe.

Fandom is a closed society, people from all backgrounds and walks of life are thrown together by a single common interest, and initially that interest is unifying.  However, as with any closed societies, when differences occur they quickly develop to what seem like an insurmountable problems.

On a fundamental level fandom is no different to religion, people following the same common idol develop and grow in different directions, each sub group believes it’s own way is the right way, and no one is prepared to hear that they are wrong.

People who know who I am will know which fandoms I’m involved with and I’m sure some people will have wondered at my lack of clear public statement on my views in more than one of those fandoms.

I may occasionally make vague statements about the state of the media industry, forum behaviour and general trolling online.  I may also bite back occasionally, but this is more likely to be when I see someone being attacked than when those attacks are directed at me.

I’ve been through an abusive relationship, there is very little chance that anything anyone says about me online is going to affect me at this point. I’m long beyond the point where a badly worded insult is going to affect me any further than making me laugh.  Until the haters are on my door step with a fist in my face they have no ability to hurt me.  Even that would hardly touch on what I’ve already been through, and the police are easy to call, my brother in law is only a mile away after all.

I understand from several years of abuse and thorough training in psychology and counselling that the underlying cause of bullying and abusive behaviour is, usually, the low self esteem and insecurity of the bully.  responding directly only reinforces that behaviour. 

Bullying isn’t something I’m prepared to give in to anymore.

I know this isn’t the case for everyone, some people are deeply affected by the behaviour directed at them online.  I’ve know people to take their own life becauseof online bullying and it’s not something I’m prepare to see happen to my friends.

Taking a step back and looking at fandom dispassionately makes it quite clear that the majority of people don’t really care about anything other than the initial thing that attracted them, be that an album, film, book or something else.  In any fandom there will be a core percentage of 'devoted’ fans, those who do all they can within their budget to support their idol, and within that core percentage there will be the people who believe themselves to be the definitive fan, the 'superfans’. 

These 'superfans’ vary from genuinely devoted fans who do no harm, but spend more than they can afford, and are sometimes liked and recogised by their idol, to the unfortunately unstable who are a danger to everyone else and themselves and who are unable to recognise or accept that they are not a part of their idols life and have no claim on them. In between these two extremes are a full spectrum of strange, wonderful and sometimes scary characters that we are all guilty of laughing at on occasion, even if we are sometimes one of them.

The problems come when we fail to see that we are a part of that group and stop being able to laugh at ourselves.  I am aware that hanging around stage doors and googling every little thing i hear mark me as an obsessed fan on occasion, but I can also laugh at myself afterwards and move on. 

I don’t need to 'fit in’ to be secure in my fanish obsessions, I like what I like and I’m not going to stop because my friends don’t like it, so people I dont know certainly arent going to stop me either. I’m not going to actively seek out and harass people who don’t agree with me, although I will defend my views when challenged in a bullying or negative way.  If I taunt or mock the groups of bullies that collectively harass individuals, it’s to draw their attention away from more vulnerable people.

And if those groups of bullies want to call me 'Cray’ I’ll happily admit to my Mental Illness, I feel no shame in a serotonin imbalance i have no control over. 

There is a name for my Cray, Post Traumatic Stress induced Schizotypal personality disorder with an underlying high function autistic spectrum disorder. Surprised? 

In practice this means I have wicked mood swings, a temper you don’t want to argue with, a tendency to OCD and very little subconscious ability to judge people.  I have to put constant and conscious effort into not invading other peoples personal space, because i swing wildly from having none at all to not wanting to be in the same room with other people.  I can be antisocial, sociopathic and narcisistic or overly affectionate, clingy and intrusive. It depends on what sort of day I’m having.

As a result of always being consciously aware of body language, facial expression and tone of voice I can usually sell anything to anybody, but I don’t form solid first impressions so I distrust everyone until I’m sure of them.  Online contacts let me form an impression and settle into friendships before meeting people, which is helpful.  My lack of personal space means I give the impression of flirting when I’m not or of being uptight and standoffish when I control myself.

I’ve been on antidepressants for more years than I can count.  My Schizotypal disorder doesn’t mean I have voices in my head, but I can be unpredictable, even to myself. 

In the past I’ve been promiscuous, violent, withdrawn and suicidal.  All of which I now have a handle on thanks mainly to prescription medications.

The majority of people never notice there is anything different about me, I don’t introduce myself with 'Hi, I have a mental illness, pleased to meet you’

As my diagnosis and most of my coping strategies are thanks to my psychology professor you wont even find much of it on my medical records.  My own doctor deals with the depressive elements by dishing out pills and dutifully offering the 6 NHS counselling sessions every year.  The rest I cope with in my own ways. 

One of the things I’ve learned over many years, through hard experience, is to never explicitly express my opinion on anything without long and careful consideration. 

I make exceptions to this, Homophobia, Racism and sexual descrimination will get a short sharp responce and it wont be nice.  but mostly I keep my opinions to myself unless someone is looking for reassurance or validation, In which case I will defend their right to that opinion and the evidence for it. 

I am sure of my opinions but others reactions to them do not define me, if I am prove wrong by clear evidence or statement I will happily admit to that, its not going to ruin my life. Equally if I am proved right in the same way I’m not going to crow about it and throw hate at people who disagree with me.

Make of that what you will. I dont care what your opinion is on any subject, I will defend your right to hold that opinion as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone.  But use your opinion to bully, hate or troll and you’ve lost my respect permanently.

And one final note on my mental state, 17 years of crap does occasionally rear up and bite me on the arse, on those occasions I dont seem like me to the people around me, thats because I’m not usually that person anymore, but she’s still here and her insecurities are a part of me I dont always acknowledge or recognise.  If I sometimes seem to be falling apart, just wait it out and be nice, ok?

I suppose the point of this whole ramble is to try and make you think twice before you say some one is 'nuts’ of 'crazy’ some of us are, and its not something to take lightly.  If you’ve ever complained that saying something is 'gay’ is wrong, take a moment before you use 'mental’ as an insult.  

Personally, I’ll probably use it to insult people in the same way as I occasionally use 'freak’,  'chunky’ and occasionally 'dozy bitch' all of which have applied to me at some point :D It’s not nearly as offensive if you are the thing you’re using as an insult.

[mydeepestdark]

Perspective, a message to the people chasing creatives off of social media.

This will seem harsh, but so are the hateful comments spewing at Sherlock crew members on twitter.

GET SOME PERSPECTIVE!

(Unless you are actually under 16yrs old, in which case, step away from the slash fic and shippers and ask a trusted adult for some information on real relationships and sexual health and safety)

Grow up!

Hurting others does not diminish your pain if you are sane.

Hurting others does not change anything.

You will rarely, if ever, get your own way in life, learn to live with it.

Fight for something worth fighting for, civil rights, animal welfare, health reforms, getting rid of fascists and bigots.

Stop wasting your energy on a few lines in a script that you interpreted a different way to other people.

There are far more important things in life to fight for.

And if this is the worst thing that’s ever happened in your life, I’m happy for you. I’m glad you’ve never been in the situations I’ve been in.

Trauma comes in all shapes and sizes, but not getting what you want from a tv show does not count as trauma unless you have a serious underlying mental health issue.

If you are angry at not getting your own way. Grow up!

If you truly feel you cannot cope with the disapointment of a tv show you did not like, seek help from a professional. Do it now.

When the TV and Film designed to provide escapism becomes more real to you that your REAL life, there is a problem, and you cannot deal with it by directing hate at people you do not know.

You have absolutely NO IDEA what else is going on in their lives. And you have no right to criticized them for making something the way they wanted to make it.

[mydeepestdark]

Definitely too old for Tumblr now

I read posts that judge people for their marriage, their fashion choices, their child rearing techniques and their faith; and I really hope the writers are teenagers with no life experience to base their opinions on. Because if they’re not, they’re judgemental arseholes.

You have no right to the details of other peoples lives.

you have no right to tell others how to live.

You have no right to condemn what you do not understand.

Express your opinions as they relate to you, not how you think others should behave.

If you think someone is wrong, present a reasoned arguement. Do not belittle and ridicule.

And today’s giant annoying bug up my arse, DON’T STEAL PEOPLES PERSONAL PICS AND BLUR THEM OUT OF THEM! That just makes you a childish wanker. (Crop and zoom if you must, but blurring is just RUDE)

[mydeepestdark]

Still feel like shit

I feel like shit

I'm seeing so many "things I'm thankful for" and "good things this year" stuff

And I got nothing

Im not even thankful to be alive

No one talks to me

No one touches me

I'm no ones first choice

I'm old

I'm ill

I'm not making a difference no matter how hard I try

I don't do anything that other people can't do better and faster

I'm just redoing the same day over and over, waiting for it to end because I can't even summon the energy to do that

My family need my income to survive

I've never been no 1 in anyone's life, not even my own

The world is destroying itself

What's the point

[mydeepestdark]

Nothings changed

I feel like shit

I'm seeing so many "things I'm thankful for" and "good things this year" stuff

And I got nothing

Im not even thankful to be alive

No one talks to me

No one touches me

I'm no ones first choice

I'm old

I'm ill

I'm not making a difference no matter how hard I try

I don't do anything that other people can't do better and faster

I'm just redoing the same day over and over, waiting for it to end because I can't even summon the energy to do that

My family need my income to survive

I've never been no 1 in anyone's life, not even my own

The world is destroying itself

What's the point

[mydeepestdark]

I feel like shit

I'm seeing so many "things I'm thankful for" and "good things this year" stuff

And I got nothing

Im not even thankful to be alive

No one talks to me

No one touches me

I'm no ones first choice

I'm old

I'm ill

I'm not making a difference no matter how hard I try

I don't do anything that other people can't do better and faster

I'm just redoing the same day over and over, waiting for it to end because I can't even summon the energy to do that

My family need my income to survive

I've never been no 1 in anyone's life, not even my own

The world is destroying itself

What's the point

[mydeepestdark]

12/13 🌺CalypsoFest🌺

Giveaway Challenge:

What does YOUR flag mean? Share your personal flag or a description of what symbols might be included and what they represent to you.

Reply or reblog with your entry response & use all 3 hashtags for a chance to win! #OFMD #OurFlagMeansDeath #RenewAsACrew

The winner of this giveaway gets a custom cross-stitch of themself in the cosplay/outfit of their choice by the talented dollhouse44 including original pattern and the design stitched onto a bookmark!

Be sure to read the giveaway rules to make sure you're eligible 👇

🏴‍☠️CalypsoFest Sweepstakes Detailed Rules:

[mydeepestdark]

12/10 🌺Calypsofest🌺

Merch day 👕

Show off your favorite OFMD merch! Official or fan-made, we want to see. Reply or reblog with the 3 official tags and the best merch you have (or want) to be entered into today’s giveaway (details below)

I’m participating in CalypsoFest as an independent creator (@renewasacrew is not running this giveaway officially). The giveaway will close at 23:59 CST

#renewasacrew

#ofmd

#ourflagmeansdeath

The winner will receive a hand-knit replica Oluwande hat (merino wool) designed and knit by yours truly 🧶

Platform specific! This giveaway is only valid on tumblr.

Must be 18+

Please only enter with 1 account

Must be a resident of Australia, Canada (excluding Québec), Ireland, Aotearoa NZ, the UK, or the USA

[mydeepestdark]

The Trans Pride Centre – the UK’s only trans-focused center run by trans people – will have to close its doors for good unless it raises £27,500 to keep it open to provide vital support services for the trans and non-binary community.

Donate! Share!

Please, spread the word in any way you can!

[mydeepestdark]

New WSJ article just dropped! There are some astonishing numbers in there, but remember we need to keep the renewal campaign positive!

“During its second season, the show surpassed the peak of its season 1 demand [and] ranks within the top 1% of all television series tracked by Parrot [Analytics].”

Let’s grab this opportunity:

Petition! Review! Donate! Mail! And keep watching OFMD!

More details below:

Take this opportunity to rate (every single episode 10/10!) and review your favorite episode on IMDb! Make sure your vote counts by following the simple instructions here: https://www.renewasacrew.com/review

Get someone new to sign the petition! It only takes a minute. We need to get to 10k!

https://www.change.org/p/renew-our-flag-means-death

Donate to the campaign (marketing & operations fund) or to our partner charity, RainbowYOUTH to make a statement about our commitment to community!

Mail a letter (STAY POSITIVE) to the CEO of Max here! Include red fabric to help us unify our message!

And keep streaming (and encouraging friends to watch) Our Flag Means Death!

[mydeepestdark]

Seeing a few "those MEDIA ILLITERATE CHILDREN still INSIST that the finale was BURY YOUR GAYS" floating around.

I'm happy to break down my reasoning:

David Jenkin's post-finale interviews all make clear that Izzy's death was decided upon - even if only by David himself - at a very early stage.

Having established that Izzy would die, the writing team then chose to give him an explicitly queer narrative arc of self-discovery and joy, one they knew was going to end in a painful death.

They gave no other characters that strikingly queer arc of self-acceptance and expression - just the one they'd already decided to bury by the end. There were other queer characters, in queer relationships, but they didn't get queer arcs. (A character arc is the transformation or inner journey of a character over the course of a story. Being queer is not itself an arc; for example, Lucius's arc was about overcoming trauma. A character can be queer without a queer arc.)

The only character who did get a queer arc also got a grave.

You should be concerned by this choice from a writing team, especially if you are queer.

You should not be belittling the people who are voicing their concern.

As a side note, I was born in the 1980s. I grew up in the UK under Section 28. For what it's worth, I also have a first in English Literature. I've been suffering terrible media representation of gay people my whole life, and when I see it in a show which made a point of encouraging gay fans to feel safe and seen and respected, I'm going to point at it and scream very loudly.

[mydeepestdark]

Actual social interaction just hurts, for the past 5 years I've not spoken to anyone other than work colleagues and family

I was told you can't always be the only one making an effort, so I stepped away from everyone who didn't make an effort to keep up friendships

Turns out that was everyone and I have no friends,just people who could get me to do stuff when it suited them

I wasn't exactly content just working and having no social interactions, but I did stuff on my own and no one was actively hurting me

I made a step back into active fandom this year, and I really wish I hadn't

Im miserable

Im just venting,I know no ones going to give a fuck

Life hurts, and then you get old and sick and you're just waiting to die

[mydeepestdark]

RENEW AS A CREW!

Our Flag Means Death is incredible, and I am dying to know how the third season will round it all out! Want to help with the renewal campaign? Visit RenewAsACrew.com for tips- there are tons of actions you can take!

@renewasacrew

[mydeepestdark]

My contribution to @renewasacrew

Workin to get the show renewed for season 3, y’all! 💜