mindfulmindless

[mindfulmindless]

I am not meant for casual love. I was born for soul consuming love and obsession.

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[mindfulmindless]

In all timelines, in all possibilities

[mindfulmindless]

Growth.

TW; body dysmorphia, ED, Addiction

Something I don’t publicly talk about is my struggle with bulimia and severe body dysmorphia, as well as how it related to my addiction. I have never liked my body, or any part of it outside of my eyes.

Because of this, I have always had a very negative self image to the point of severe self loathing. When I was younger, my arms were too thin, I was too skinny or too fat, my legs looked weird, I had odd proportions that even my doctors were worried about. I could stick my hand under my rib cage.

All of this culminated in starving myself, binging/purging, and played a part in my addiction. Theres a reason that “illicit substance” skinny is a saying. Then when I got clean, I would drink. And I found if I drank enough I could get away with purging because “oh I just drank too much”

It was scary, it was dark, and still brings me shame to this day.

This year, I decided that change was necessary, prior to my big life change (sobriety). I started working with a personal trainer 3 days a week. He coached me on nutrition and healthier eating habits. He talked me through what exercises do what for the body. He helped me start to transform my body in a healthy way. He made me want to go back to school to be able to do the same thing for others.

I still struggle with my ED and my body dysmorphia.

But today is a good day. 8 months of progress.

[mindfulmindless]

DINNER IN AMERICA (2020)

bts polaroids

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136 days sober. Wow

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I hate social media and how quick we are to assume someone is off the wagon. Let the man live his recovery.

This is some speculative bullshit. I swear if these people saw me in 90 degree heat while wearing a suit they'd think I was a demon. My face turns beat red and I look like a damp naked mole rat.

I don't think some people realize how different you can look under various lighting conditions.

Specular highlights are direct reflections that appear as bright spots or sparkles. Think catchlights in the eyes or glare on the tip of the nose or glistening on freshly glossed lips.

Usually light obeys the inverse square law. It reflects much dimmer the farther it travels. But not *direct* reflections. So things like mirrors, glossy surfaces, or drops of water can all reflect light straight back instead of scattering and diffusing it. So that directly reflected light remains the same intensity as the light source.

Now imagine a powerful spotlight that is 50 feet away. It has to be super bright to light a person up on stage because it is so far away. Every time you double the distance, light diminishes by a factor of 4. But all of those little beads of sweat are reflecting the full intensity of the spotlight, so they light up like a Christmas tree on someone's face. And they kind of group together to create bright patches on his skin. Our brains have been trained to register that as sweating. And the brighter and larger those patches, the sweatier we assume someone is.

You can see just how bright his sweat was reflecting by looking at the catchlight in his eye.

Look at the exposure of the whites of his eyes compared to the catchlight.

So he looks red from the heat and the lights are making his skin look super clammy. And as a fun bonus, a small, hard light source exaggerates pores, blemishes, wrinkles, and skin texture.

What's interesting is if you move that spotlight closer, the specular highlights will start to appear dimmer.

This is because the light source doesn't need to be as bright because it is closer. And those direct reflections match the intensity of the light source. They also spread out and appear softer because the light source is larger. Larger lights are more flattering.

John basically had everything working against him in this situation and now people think he's doing coke again because the event didn't set up a lighting truss a little closer.

Also, everyone's memory of what John looks like is mostly from TV appearances. They don't typically see him right after a jog, so their mental image is skewed towards a single circumstance.

This was only a few months ago where he is wearing makeup and under professional studio lights.

And here he is... fucking yesterday.

Maybe the fancy lights and makeup are covering up his drug addiction.

Here he is in the temperature controlled SNL writers room under soft room lights. Again, yesterday.

Looks fine to me.

I know he is a celebrity and he'll be fine, but a bunch of people who struggle with addiction are going to see all of these people judging and speculating and being shitty because a person was hot. And that sucks.

[mindfulmindless]

Recovery

Being in recovery, being over 100 days sober, this is all fucking knew to me.

For the last 16 years I’ve dealt with addiction in one form or another. I lied to myself for years that if I quit the other stuff, the alcohol was okay. “Well it’s not as bad as if_…”

For the first time in more than half my life, I feel like I can trust myself. I know, one day at a time, one hour at a time, etc. but I believe in myself and trust myself on this one.

For anyone actively seeking recovery, you can do this. If resources are needed, feel free to DM me.

I’m Dan. I’m an alcoholic. I’m an addict. I’m alive. And I’m healing.

[mindfulmindless]

This song and my sobriety.

When there is nothing else

We must remind ourselves

That life is transient

To breathe the ambience

So when we reach the end

Do we wake up again?

And if I say my prayers

Will you be waiting there?

I'm fading with the daylight

To skies of grey

I'm waiting on the cosmos

To call my name

And someday it will

Oh, someday it will

I'm sick of writing sad songs to hide

My shame

Cause I need more than drugs to escape My pain

But someday I will

Oh, someday I will

[mindfulmindless]

Makari // Control

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The fact that I’m writing new music and using it to heal, and plan to record and release it???

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Afraid To Die // Movements

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third degree // movements

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Movements // Third Degree

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low tide // the wonder years

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Tearing myself down to my core. I am rebuilding. I am growing. This old skin doesn’t fit the same, and for that, I am grateful.