mindasvastasspace

[mindasvastasspace]

What's one belief you had growing up that you now realize is bullshit?

I’m gonna have to go ahead and dive right into the deeper parts of harsh reality and say that that “your parents always love you!!” idea you have growing up? Absolute shit. Because look at what I grew up with. Two addict parents. A neglected childhood.

When I was a little I just thought “oh, mom and dad are busy.” “They just forgot.” Whenever I woke up on my birthday without any of that special attention. Just the normal “hi,” even when i was all excited bouncing into the living room like “guess what day it is?!” “Uhhh...The sixteenth? So what? Go get me another beer.” That really sounds selfish but like. When you’re a kid, your birthday is the most important day of the year! And my mom and dad were usually too hungover or two drugged out to even bother to acknowledge it, and when they did remember? Nothing. Maybe a hug from mom, but only because she felt obligated to. That’s not love. Or a good confidence booster for a five year old, you know? I think that’s what makes me not really care much about my birthday. Or any huge, family-centric holiday, for that matter. I just was never truly exposed to that joy and parental bonding growing up. And it took me until I was an adult to realize that. That goes for more than just birthdays. Like. No shows at school plays. Missed track meets. Coming home to both of them and being like “so where were you?” “I could ask you the same thing? Where’s our fucking dinner, kid?” I just. It hurts just to think about it. But I thought long and hard about it after I was off on my own. But the kicker? The most important one that really made me see it clearly? Never even bothering to accept me and get to know me for myself and my sexual orientation. Just straight up shoving Christianity and the Bible down my throat and trying to force me to be straight and “normal”. Because they were ashamed of me. That it was wrong to be gay and they were just “trying to help me.” What kind of love is that? Answer: ITS NOT. Hooray conversion therapy!! On my seventeeth birthday!! That was a nice touch, mom. I took one look at my life after that and said fuuuuuuuck this and straight up left that same day.

Thank god Nan was there to lift me up when mom and dad metaphorically (and sometimes physically I guess) rubbed my face all over the dirt. otherwise I don’t even know how I would’ve ended up. I definitely wouldn’t have known what real love is. I still don’t. Not completely. I just know love isn’t how my parents treated me. That was just fear. And hatred. And I’m so, so glad that I’m far, far away from all of that now.

[mindasvastasspace]

Being single is weird for me because like. I’ve basically been in a relationship since high school so like. I guess this is as good a time as ever to learn how to be alone for a while.

[mindasvastasspace]

Fuck you and your drunk alcoholic ass.

[mindasvastasspace]

What is your favorite childhood memory?

Going to Disney World for the first time with my Nan. That was right about the time CPS became involved in my family life when I was about...six years old, I think. And I’d just been handed over to my Nan, since my parents weren’t suitable to raise me at the time being. So she took me for my sixth birthday and it was just...beyond anything I’d ever imagined.

I got the first time visiting!! Badge as soon as we got to the front gates, and I swear I made Nan take me on every ride that I was allowed on three times. And I got to meet a bunch of the princesses!!! And eat whatever I wanted!!!

It was a whole new experience for me, since I had been so sheltered and forbidden to go anywhere or make any friends so. That’s always something near and dear to my heart. And we go every year on my birthday still, to this day.

[mindasvastasspace]

Sometimes you just get a ptsd flash while chopping up vegetables for dinner, give up cooking, and dissociate for a while.

That fight with my dad was the worst. I still have the scar on my arm to prove it.

[mindasvastasspace]

Don’t you love it when boys take “I have a boyfriend” as a reason to keep hitting on you, and call you a pussy when you walk away from the conversation? I legit almost sucker punched this asshole right in the jaw because he just wouldn’t quit with me but I took the high road.

I shouldn’t have.

[mindasvastasspace]

Finally moved into the new place!! I think what I’m most excited about is the fact this is my first place that I’ve owned and lived in my entire life, and nobody else’s name is on the title but my own.

Not bad for a kid who couch surfed with his mom his entire junior year of high school, right?

Everything’s falling into place and I’m really feeling like I’m becoming my own person. I’m learning to relax a little, and take full days off to do something that’s not related to work. Or to cosplay. I’ve decided to kind of take a step away from that and do around 2 a month, instead of the usual 5-6. Because that’s just too much stress on top of my job at the studio.

Therapy’s been going okay! Now that my family’s out of my life completely, I really don’t have all that much to talk about in that aspect anymore. It’s all about self-healing and working on how to cope with my PTSD. I’m not expecting any overnight fixes but I’m definitely feeling better than I have for as long as I can remember. Less anxiety attacks, less worrying, less stress. Crazy how you take just a couple factors of all of the above away and everything Benefits from that.

[mindasvastasspace]

Took a right hook to the cheek while I was sparing with my boxing partner today and it triggered some kind of ptsd that really fucked me up.

I don’t know why that was what triggered it after being choked out during sex as much as I have been doesn’t bother me. but apparently getting socked hard in the face and getting a black eye does the trick.

Psychology is weird.

[mindasvastasspace]

Are you working on changing anything about yourself and why?

I am! A lot, actually. I’m learning how to not rely on friends for dealing with my own problems. Because that just makes me feel guilty, going to them for help all the time. That’s why I have a therapist, after all. I’m learning that you can confide in people, but don’t expect them to always know how to help. And I think that’s very important.

On the topic of guilt, I’m really trying hard not to put too much of myself into helping people with their own issues as well. Remy linked me to a really great post about that a while back, which basically sums up saying “too much can turn into guilt, which is a negative emotion.” So I’m learning to be there for people, but not tell them how to fix everything. It’s the control freak in me that makes me want to do that, and it’s not okay or healthy.

I’m also trying not to be so naive and try to relate to people’s hobbies even if i have no idea how they work or what they’re about. It’s been a hard lesson to learn but everyone’s allowed their own likes and dislikes. It doesn’t mean that you have to think the same just for them to like you. I believe that stems from having such a sheltered childhood, I never knew how to actually make friends the right way and relied on that but I’m older now and I don’t need to do that anymore. I never should have in the first place.

All in all, 2019 is my year of self-improvement and growth as an individual.

[mindasvastasspace]

Go ahead and ghost me, that’s fine. But don’t get upset with me when I tell it how I see it when you actually decide to want to be the one to start the conversation. I’m done trying.

[mindasvastasspace]

What do you like the least about your closest friend?

I really, really don’t like how they keep everything to themselves. It’s to the point where I don’t even ask how they’re doing anymore because it’s just “I’m fine.” Or “good.” and it just pisses me off how vague you can be? Give me some details so the convo can keep going! I actually am curious about what’s going on! I hate talking about me all the time! It gets pretty old and makes me feel guilty that the conversation is ALWAYS centered around myself.

[mindasvastasspace]

Not to self: not every convo has to be about something serious or an update about your busy life. I have to remember that sometimes.

And stop gifting people things literally every time you hang out with them. That’s like paying for friendship and you need to stop doing that. There’s a difference between being nice and looking too desperate for friendship. You’re better than that. Your friends love you even when you meet them somewhere and come empty handed. That’s what the holidays are for.

[mindasvastasspace]

I’m done trying to sugarcoat.

[mindasvastasspace]

I’m ready to take the next step in my life and take on more adult things. Mortgages, better credit scores, etc etc.

Corey has been a blessing with everything he’s done to help me get my footing in LA. But I think it’s time to go off on my own now. And that starts with finding my own place to live that’s affordable and closer to my job.

It’s a huge leap but I’m ready for it.

[mindasvastasspace]

Am I considered a Grinch if I hate Christmas? Not necessarily hate these days like i used to, but. I’m still not the biggest fan of it. Like. It’s a family holiday. My family is a cesspool of toxic, shitty people. It just brings back old memories of ruined dinners, fistfights with my dad and my mom getting drunk to forget the night even happening.

My Nan is the only good person that I’m related to and I’m so, so glad I’m going to spend the holiday with her this year.

I know it’s hard to get over that kind of trauma but. I’m getting there.

[mindasvastasspace]

Woah...that dream was really fucked up.

[mindasvastasspace]

Fuck this fucking new project lead at work that thinks he’s so above everyone else. He’s a pompous, entitled asshole and I literally can NOT work in the same room as him without being stressed out and angry that he’s even around me.

He’s talented, sure, I’ll give him that. I was ambitious in apping for the lead position that he got hired on for. His work is amazing, but lording that over the rest of the team and not bothering to have a basis to connect with his team besides the work? Not even getting to know us as people? Its fucking bullshit and I legitimately can not deal with that.

I’m done holding in emotions and staying quiet. I’m letting myself be angry for the first time in years and honestly? It’s fine. I understand now that I’m allowed to express myself and not keep everything bottled up.

But seriously. Fuck that guy.