mikachase

[mikachase]

Alone with my thoughts, they are in a very familiar place tonight; me not being good enough. I think about my husband, he was the one man I knew would never hurt me. He was the “nice guy”.

For years it was that way, now 10 years later it’s evolved into what everyone of my relationships has. He says he loves me, he also says I’m unlovable.

He’s not a drinker, a cheater, or physically abusive like my first husband. For the most part he is a nice guy. I’m starting to recognize the abuse though. I wonder if it’s always been there or if it’s a new behavior trait he has developed over the years.

He never touches me anymore. I ask him why and he tells me it’s because he thinks I don’t enjoy it.

[mikachase]

In a world that so connected how is it I feel so disconnected?

With all the apps that are available to connect us with people we know and even those we don’t how is it possible to feel so disconnected? I feel so alone even though I have the world at my fingertips. Have we become so connected and dependent on likes and hearts that we can no longer be happy alone with ourselves? I go days without talking to anyone. I watch movies and I like posts on social media; however, conversations seem to have died out. Deep meaningful conversations seem to have given way to emojis and abbreviated words. Is it too much to ask to have a conversation that mean something? Have we become a society of clickbait and memes? If we can’t fit it into a tweet or a 30 second tiktok video is it too much for us to process? The only way we can be a society that is truly connected is to unplug and swap the screen time for conversations. We need to get back to basics and away from all the likes and the follows.

[mikachase]

[mikachase]

I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. People around me seem to be drawn to me. They love me. They think I’m great. I can’t find one thing that I don’t hate about myself.

Are they wrong? Am I wrong? How can everyone see so much positive and all I see is negative?

[mikachase]

Every day struggle

I hate myself so much that is hurts when people like me. I don’t understand how they possibly can. If they knew the things I had done or the thoughts that live I. My head they would hate me too.

I push people away. When they leave it hurts but it’s also a relief. I always knew they would leave I’m not loveable I tell myself.

I want to die, I’m so tired. I’m so sick of hurting. I’m so completely exhausted. I can’t keep fighting.

[mikachase]

Insult in injury

Having an invisible illness is horrible. People assume that because you look fine that you are. They can’t see the painful joints, the inflammation, the fatigue, the absolute desire to go to bed for days. They see a person who gets up and goes to work and does everything they possibly can. They don’t see the ice packs I use to calm my hands or the tears I shed on my drive home.

I’m often told “I forgot you had that!” or “are you sure you have that?” While I’m sure these aren’t meant to hurt. They do. They make the moments I push hard even harder because then I also think that I shouldn’t push so hard. Now I have my pain and my thoughts to fight.

Recently my oldest friend, who was diagnosed years before me with the same thing I have, told me that she doesn’t think I have it. I’ve been to multiple doctors. Even one she saw herself! In that moment I felt so alone. This person who should have been my biggest ally. Someone who should understood exactly what I’m going through mentally and physically suddenly became a stranger.

If she is going to question my diagnosis how could anyone ever believe me? I no longer tell people I’m sick or have anything wrong with me. I suffer in silence, rarely even telling my husband how bad it is.

People please believe someone when they have a diagnosis. Coming to terms with a diagnosis is hard, having people question it is some how harder.

[mikachase]

It’s weird when someone is so different that it makes you question everything that came before

[mikachase]

I take my razor blade and press it to my arm. I draw in a long breath as I drag the blade across my skin. The pain is sharp and quick. I watch the blood pool in the line left in my arm. A calmness washes over me.

[mikachase]

All I want is to be loved.

All I want is to be enough.

All I want is to be safe.

All I want is to be the one.

All I want is for someone who says they are different to actually be different.

[mikachase]

Self care

When you have an illness that has no cure you hear the phrase “self care” a lot. It really just means put yourself first and make sure you are good before you do for others.

This in it’s self is awesome. Absolutely take care of yourself so you have something later. The issue is kids (and even some adults) don’t understand this. My kids just know that I’m either at work or sleeping (or trying to as the case usually is).

I have been putting in extra hours at work because we are short staffed. Today was my first day off in 17 days. As much as I wanted to sleep and rest today, I took my wonderful kids to the mall. It was so much fun and we made great memories.

Now I’m paying for it. I’m sick, I hurt, and I can’t sleep. I just hope one day they understand how much I want to do for them and with them. Im trying my best and I’m worried it won’t be enough.

[mikachase]

I’m so incredibly lonely. I try to fill the void with all kinds of things. I eat food I’m not even hungry for. I drink alcohol I don’t even want. I buy things I don’t even need. I flirt with guys I have no interest in. The void is never filled. The void always demands more.

[mikachase]

Struggling with being alone at night. The light of day keeps the demons away or at least silent. All of my decisions, all of my insecurities, all of my worries come out when the lights go off and the busy day turns into quiet night.

[mikachase]

You can not imagine the sadness that lives here.

[mikachase]

So I heard this video got deleted from YouTube and people have been looking for it. Well it just happens I had it saved to my camera roll so if you are dying to watch it or want to watch it again and again here you go. THIS IS NOT MY VIDEO! ALL CREDS GO TO THE CREATOR OF IT ! Enjoy :)

[mikachase]

[mikachase]

[mikachase]