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meticulousmusing · 8 years ago

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Dear Future Wife,

First let me say how I much I deeply long for the day when I know who you are. While I am living in the moment and being content with what God is doing in me for the time being, there is a huge part of me that wonders what you look like, how I will meet you, what your family is…

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meticulousmusing · 8 years ago

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JOURNAL #1

My love-hate relationship with movies continue once again.

I think I haven’t seen that many movies in a calendar year (except maybe during film module in school but that number is easily dwarfed) without having any need to. I guess I needed to feel something that I could relate to and identify with albeit fictionally.

Noise was insane too. Kinda poetic that I started my journey with Sara back when I was a shitty player with no pedals, and two years later, ending the programme with her again as a less shitty player with more pedals. I think I’ve played at least 20 shows, with the band and with other great musicians with inspiring stories that gives me courage more than I do as a sessionist.

Within the span of a month, I’ve also fulfilled my teenage wet dream of playing the durian of the performing arts scene: something that I’ve fantasised about obsessively with good reason that is of my own entirely.

New beginnings are hard to come by ain’t they? The smallest glimmer of hope is intensified with every passing second, seemingly promising a chance of redemption and maybe something lasting that you’d be proud of. Unfortunately, chances haven’t been great and I’ve learnt to be excellent at what I have and not what I’d wish i have.

A year has gone by so quickly and so much has changed (especially my weight). I’ve held the arms of two dying grandparents and personally seen their departure to a world unknownst to any of this existence. Crazy how my earliest memory was actually the death of my great-grandma. I vividly remembering being carried away with tears in my eyes (and youtiao in my hands), trying to fathom the entirety of the sombre event. I cried myself to sleep that day, asking why I didn’t understand.

I still do cry myself out about things I don’t understand: events that have happened in the past year. The eventual emotional debt had to be paid, and I wasn’t willing to pay it in full; not even to myself, of which I’m disappointed and am still paying in spurts of unrestrained outbursts.

Fate is really a poetic expression of our lives sometimes. I often muse about those events and how even after so long, pieces of the past still show up in anecdotes that have left a sour taste. Fuck, I was a fool to have been played out like a piece of music: predictably and to an eventual finish.

It still shocks me to this day how much was lost that day. An unquantifiable amount had been thrown under the bus, and with it, everything good that was built with sweat and a lot of tears. Perhaps more shocking, was how much of those anecdotes revealed. It was and is still the knife in my back that would never go away. I’d be at any random place and still feel traces and fragments of a once-beautiful past that had been shredded. Scents, touches on the skin, the soft patter of a heavy downpour, the emptiness of a coffee house, sometime bring back voices that speak so loudly that I stagger to a quieter place and try to shake my head and remind myself that this was with a capital ‘w’.

God has been so good. Somehow, I can learn first hand that sleeping pills and anti-depressants don’t do as much to help you sleep as compared to a full day at Laneway (I have a really bad back, so that really wears me out).

I’ve always asked myself what God meant to me. Is it the dysfunctional relationship that I have with my conscience to stay true to the faith? Is it the forced interactions with fellow church members? Or maybe the fact that I recovered from the lowest point in my life physically and emotionally?

Service was a revelation today and I finally managed to derive courage as that answer. HE gives me the courage to believe in the word that speaks redemption and not respite, HE gives me the courage to look at myself objectively and not with the looking glass that 90% of the people would give me, HE gives me the courage to accept his word and not lean on my own nuggets of wisdom, HE gives me the courage to believe that one day I’ll have an edifying partner and a family to boot but most importantly HE has given me the courage to take another chance at life.

I mean there are shit tons of other things in there that are really dumb as well like asking a girl out while trying to cohesively string sentences together, and low balling carousellers (no prizes for guessing which one is working out better though). But God is a God of empowerment and not of timidity. I don’t think human existence would be of any worth if we are actually confined to the bubbles that we build for ourselves.

Maybe the greatest courage I’d have found would have been the ability to forgive. To forgive the person in the past who betrayed everything I had set my future upon and to forgive myself for the entirety of everything that I had done in both a conscious and an unconscious manner. It’s been a year, it’s been hard but I will strive to make it my choice even when all the other voices in my head tell me otherwise.

Also want to thank God for friends. Keane has been more than a real brother and a source of inspiration. I could ask him for a million bucks and he’d show up with two and a pack of cigarettes (Mild Sevens of course). The best friend tag is honestly an understatement and an insult to whatever he has done for me and I can’t wait to see what life has ahead. Liz, thank you for being such a pillar and wall when I’m at my emotional zero. You make the most fucked up situations in my life the funniest. Jamie, where do I start. Your faith in God astounds me. It is a really shame that your walk with God will never be known to many. The list could go on and on (bluff who, actually left with maybe like five others who could really tolerate and emphatise with).

Recently met a friend who reminded me that recovery doesn’t mean that the bad, triggering flashbacks won’t happen. It hadn’t after two years and it might never will. Instead, recovery meant that you’d choose to see the world in the same light, no matter how dark it’d be day by day.

Me too Marcus, me too.

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meticulousmusing · 8 years ago

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Maybe

A letter to read in the future:

How many months has it been? I don’t know, but far too little it seems judging by the weight of your soul that seems to linger between both past and present.

It’s crippling isn’t it? Watching the person you love fade away like a gentle breeze blowing away the last petals of what was a blossoming field. Watching how lies are slowly fed until it reaches it’s full form of decay.

Maybe it was harder knowing the truth all along; that dinner wasn’t just for two anymore. Maybe it was the sheer, impeccable timing of the swift events that was shattering. Maybe it was the soul ties that knew how much it meant, but how little it was being paid for at the end of the day. Maybe it was just the sheer amount of lies at the very end, that burned so many bridges.

Well, the truth is; you’ll never know and maybe it’s better that way, that a veil be left between what used to be One, hiding everything in between.

I don’t know, but someday it wont matter and maybe that’s all that matters by then.

...

If you ever read this, I hope by then you’d have found true happiness; something that was a facade you tried to bring across (terribly, i might add) at the dying moments of our acquaintance (which was what it had become by the end of the firefight).

Please, please, speak as much as you listen. Exchange ashes for beauty as often as you do the other way.

Hopefully, we’ll meet again and by then, there’ll be some civility instead of hostility (which is really unwarranted considering the manner in which you behaved behind closed doors).

...

Congratulations!

You have renewed your membership to yet another tumultuous period of “let’s stay friends because we work well there” bullshit.

Fuck off. HAHA

Told you so, I told you so.

On a more serious note, i hope that if ever you read this again Jethro, you’d be working your ass off as hard as you are now. Maybe the next time you’re reading this, things would have blossomed again (who knows?).

You’ve got a lot of good things going for you now, and it’s unbelievable how this year has panned out from ruins to revelations. Please don’t stray from God again, and please don’t be afraid anymore to punch at the weight you so desire. Fear has never, and will never, be a driving force, and I hope that when things get tougher (and it will), you’ll be able to cast that aside and see truth as it is.

It’s 12am in the morning on a nice Thursday night, and you’re feeling shitty (against your own damn promise), but you have that logo to do. ALSO, you’re lagging behind in finding the other 2 people you’ll need to kick start this secret online thingy.

Also, you have a massive music project ahead of you that just got bigger cause you decided to go fucking titanic or be a pussy and be mediocre.

I guess what i’m trying to tell you is that, it’s not about the pain, hurt or even revenge. You’ve tried and fucked up here and there massively, but you wanted to build an empire for her with her. THAT’S FUCKING MENTAL. What are you, some egyptian prince?!

Granted, a lot of it now has her impression on it, but fuck, if it happened any later, you’d be a dead man.

(now you;re really behind work hahah)

You had massive plans for her, and that’s great. Did she want it? No, and that’s great too. A bloody fucking shame that is, and I’m glad she know she made a mistake at that point because she just simply couldn’t have that belief and faith at the crucial moment.

So close, yet so far.

Fuck 3rd party shit. And fuck you for pretending not to know, good one though, you had me fooled.

Okay, gonna get back to work. Hope this note thoroughly embarrasses me one day, till then; keep grinding Jettty boi

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meticulousmusing · 8 years ago

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Okay.

Honestly i dont even know who reads this shit but FUCKING HELL IM EXCITED AS F FOR THE END OF THE YEAR

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meticulousmusing · 8 years ago

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lights gone out, but i think this is one i’ll stick around for.