meandmymhmatters

[meandmymhmatters]

Why Am I Alive?

Please be trigger aware when reading. I haven’t written for a long time on here. And I don’t know if I’ll stay around. But I’m writing for me this time. I’m writing because I need to not because other people need me too. I’m aware that is selfish. But then no one needs to read this. Since I last wrote life has been tough. Mum has cancer that is terminal. Chemo gives us more time but each time…

[meandmymhmatters]

Therapy 2022: Aftermath (Session 2)

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚 I’m the day after my second session. And I feel crap. We didn’t even do much, just created a safety plan. Why this has effected me so much I don’t know. I feel totally vulnerable. I also know that one of the things bothering me from the safety plan is the request to get rid of my stash of medication before the next…

[meandmymhmatters]

Starting Therapy Again: Therapy 2022

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚 I had a call today, about an hour ago, organising my next round of therapy. As the psychologist said, my name had come to the top of the list. In all honesty I’m surprised I’m there already. I’m due to have my first session on 31st January, two weeks away. My head is a mix of thoughts at the moment and I’m having…

[meandmymhmatters]

"You Need To Love Yourself First" - Why It's Not That Simple

“You Need To Love Yourself First” – Why It’s Not That Simple

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚 You always here the expression “until you love yourself no one else will love you” and I hate this phrase because that means I’m forever unlovable. I need reassurance that people love me. I can’t love myself so I need it from outside. How can anyone who doesn’t love themselves see themselves as someone worthy of…

[meandmymhmatters]

Dismal December

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚 We are in the month I find the hardest. December. Heading to Christmas. Ugh. Made to feel bad for not being festive. Just wanting the ground to swallow me up or to go to sleep and not wake up either ever or a long time. The thing is people don’t get better from mental illness just because it’s the festive season. In…

[meandmymhmatters]

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member's View: Tears And Waiting

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member’s View: Tears And Waiting

This is a personal view as a family member of someone with cancer. Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚 It’s been a while since I wrote about cancer. It’s not that it’s not been at the forefront of my mind. I think when it’s part of your family it does stay there pushing its way to your thoughts. But I just haven’t had anything of any real worth to say.…

[meandmymhmatters]

Feeling Lost Again...

Feeling Lost Again…

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚 The last few weeks (probably longer) have been really tough mentally. My thoughts have been everywhere. I feel lost. I don’t feel connected to anyone. I just feel like I don’t know what to do or who to turn to. This has meant things have felt chaotic. I am trying so hard to be OK. So hard not to burden everyone. So…

[meandmymhmatters]

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member's View: Looking After Me

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member’s View: Looking After Me

This is my views as someone who has a family member with cancer as well as my own mental health issues. This is hard for me to write without feeling selfish and maybe that is part of the problem. When a family member has cancer they become your focus, rightly so. But it can become all encompassing. Their needs are your first thought. Their appointments fill your calendar. This is what cancer…

[meandmymhmatters]

Lonely: When You Reach Out And No One's There

Lonely: When You Reach Out And No One’s There

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚 It’s what you hear all the time in regard to mental illness: “Reach out.”. But no one says what happens when you do and no one is there. Tonight I feel so alone. This is no fault of anyone’s by the way. Life happens to everyone. But I have reached out and people are too busy, too tired, having there own issues or…

[meandmymhmatters]

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member's View: Birthdays

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member’s View: Birthdays

This post is written as a family member of someone with cancer who has their own mental illness to deal with alongside the cancer of their loved one. Please be aware some content may be triggering. Please take care 💚 In the last couple of months we have had a couple of birthdays to “celebrate”. I use the term loosely as they’ve been a little traumatic. We also have a couple coming up so I think…

[meandmymhmatters]

Falling Apart

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care when reading 💚 Life, not for the first time, is a struggle that I don’t want to deal with. That I’m finding hard to deal with. So much is going on; in my life, the world and my head. Obviously the big thing everyone can see in my life is my mum’s cancer and all that that brings with it. I’m not stupid so I knew there…

[meandmymhmatters]

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member's View: Test Results

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member’s View: Test Results

This is my view of dealing with cancer as a family member of someone with cancer who has their own mental illness as well. Recently mum had to go for a CT scan to check how the chemotherapy was effecting the cancer and whether it was making any difference. It was a difficult time for many reasons and effected the mental health of us all as a family. With the scan coming round it made us all…

[meandmymhmatters]

Remembering Chester

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚 Four years ago I was away for my mum’s birthday when I heard the news that Chester Bennington had taken his own life. It hit me and many others like a rock and it was the first time a high profile person’s death really made an impression on me. However what really made an impression on me, surrounding the Linkin Park…

[meandmymhmatters]

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member's View: "Think Positive"

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member’s View: “Think Positive”

This is my view of dealing with cancer as a family member of someone with the disease while I have a mental illness. Please take care when reading. “Think Positive!” This phrase has been banded about to me and my family since my mum’s cancer diagnosis. My mum’s friends have said it to her, some of my friends have said it to me and some of my dad’s friends have said it to him. We all hate the…

[meandmymhmatters]

Lack Of Motivation

Recently you may have realised my blog posts have been few and far between. I really apologise for that but I’m going through a tough time mentally and the big thing I’ve found the last few weeks is I have a huge lack of motivation. Lack of motivation is a common symptom with depression and it is a pain in the a***. I have things I need to do but the motivation is lacking and none of it is…

[meandmymhmatters]

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member's View: First Chemo

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member’s View: First Chemo

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚 This is my view of living with someone who has cancer as someone who has a mental illness. It is my personal experience of the chaotic cancer ride. A milestone is the first chemotherapy session. It was something we had waited for, for quite a while after diagnosis, or so it seemed. We had a lot of cancellations and…

[meandmymhmatters]

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member's View: Telling People

Chaotic Cancer: A Family Member’s View: Telling People

Please be aware that some of the content may be triggering. Please take care 💚. Part of the whole cancer diagnosis and prognosis is the telling people all about it. It’s surprising some of the reactions that you get and the responses you feel as well. Some of the things that I’m going to write about are things that my mum has felt about telling people as well. When it came to telling people…