mayjanestuff

[mayjanestuff]

The Weight of What We Welcome

There was a time when I believed I could handle anything—handle anyone. I thought my heart was strong enough to weather any storm, that I could absorb the world’s chaos without it changing me. I welcomed it all: the ideas, the opinions, the people, and the noise. I thought I could sift through them, choosing only the good, leaving behind the bad. But I was wrong.

At first, it was subtle. A word here, an influence there, all seemingly harmless. But slowly, the boundaries between me and what I welcomed started to blur. The words I thought I could reject started to seep in, and the ideas I once found foreign began to feel familiar. It wasn’t long before I realized I was no longer the person I used to be. I had opened the door to toxicity, not realizing how much it would begin to shape me.

I had been brainwashed, not by any grand conspiracy, but by the quiet, insidious voices of those I allowed too close. I listened to their judgments, their fears, their insecurities, thinking they were my own. I let their opinions mold my view of the world. And in turn, I became bitter, quick to judge, quick to dismiss. It wasn’t just others I judged—it was myself. Every flaw became magnified, every imperfection a source of shame. I was no longer free to be me; I was a reflection of the toxicity I had invited in.

I became someone I didn’t recognize—someone quick to label, quick to criticize, quick to condemn. I judged others harshly, blinded by the very beliefs I had once welcomed in. I forgot that the people I let into my life had power over me—sometimes in ways I couldn’t see until it was too late. The lines between influence and control had blurred. I had let my heart become a battleground for toxic thoughts and false judgments, all because I had failed to protect it.

I won’t place the blame on anyone, nor will I regret the connections I once made. Each person, each experience, played a part in shaping the journey I’ve walked. But I do recognize my responsibility in those choices. I now own my actions, my decisions, and the lessons they’ve brought. I’ve learned that blame serves no purpose, only growth does. And with that understanding, I’m committed to learning from my past mistakes, using them as stepping stones for my personal evolution.

It was a hard lesson, one I carry with me every day. I’ve learned that not everything deserves a place in my life. Not every person, not every opinion, not every idea is worth absorbing. Some things—and some people—carry with them a weight too heavy to bear. If I allow myself to be swept away by every wave, I lose sight of who I truly am.

Now, I am careful about what I invite into my mind and soul. I am mindful of the energy people bring with them when they enter my life. I no longer welcome judgment disguised as advice, or opinions wrapped in false concern. I’ve learned that growth doesn’t come from constantly shaping myself to fit the world around me; it comes from standing firm in who I am, even if that means saying no to things and people that threaten my peace.

Because I’ve learned the hard way that I must protect myself—protect my mind, my heart, and my spirit—from becoming another casualty of the noise. And in doing so, I find the quiet strength to judge less, to love more, and to live a life of intention instead of reaction. It’s a choice I make every day—because what I allow in matters. And I choose wisely now.

[mayjanestuff]

Sometimes, I wish my life was made differently than what I have right now. In the quiet moments, when the world settles into a comfortable hum, I find myself dreaming of alternate paths. Visions flicker through my mind like a kaleidoscope of possibilities—each turn a different shade of happiness, adventure, or peace.

What if I was born in a more financially stable family, parents with more prepared plans for their children’s future and siblings with more assertive and madeskarte ability to stand on their own? Perhaps I would have done so much more for myself and have taken good care of myself even better. I wouldn’t have had to carry this responsibilities much longer and have much time to build myself up. I wouldn’t have to worry about having my own baby because I only have her to worry about. Every horizon could have offered a new lesson, a different way of seeing the world.

Yet, as I gather these daydreams, I also recognize the beauty that exists in the life I live. The small joys—the warmth of a heartfelt conversation, the comfort of a familiar routine, the laughter shared with loved ones. These moments, though perhaps less dramatic, weave a rich tapestry of connection and contentment.

In this dance between longing and gratitude, I realize that while I can dream of alternate lives, it's the choices I make today that will shape my tomorrows. Each decision holds the power to redirect my path, to add new colors and textures to my existence. And so, with that thought, I take a breath, ready to embrace the life I have, while still keeping space for the dreams yet to unfold.

[mayjanestuff]

Goals

Spiritual

* Make God the center of everythin

- church sunday service

-rosary everynight

-bible study friday

-prayer morning and evening

Self

* masteral

* ielts

*canada dream

*certification

Couple

*Make God the center of relationship

*financial concerns

*relationship with each other

*dealing with differences

*travel goals

*family planning

*helping families

*friends connection

Family

-help siblings

-house

-financial help

Professional

-suggest to Ms covignton

Classroom setting

Pre test

Post test

Score tracker

Teacher recognition

Common expectation

[mayjanestuff]

Papa God,

You know how much I’ve prayed for this moment to come, for healing, for peace and freedom from the past and for 28 years of my existence this is the best gift I’ve ever received. You’ve answered my prayer in disguise of trials. No amount of money could ever pay for this moment. Today, on my birthday, I have nothing but gratefulness for the strength and chances you’ve given to my parents. I will never ever get tired praying for them, for my siblings, for my entire family.

[mayjanestuff]

[mayjanestuff]

Then I’ve learned that one should not be chasing happiness but find peace instead in God’s presence. When one finds peace then one will be filled with joy that’s never been felt before.

This is one thing I’m still trying to master within myself. ❤️

#Sunday’s thought

[mayjanestuff]

To my first Love,

I am writing this letter once and for all not because I want this to be sent to you but this will serve as a reminder for my self that this going to be the last time that I am going to look at you with pain in my heart.

It's been like 5 years since you chose to let me go but I guess in those 5 years, not even a day had passed by that I never loved you. I never realized this feeling until I heard and saw you being engaged with the woman you chose to love when you left me.

I must admit that I was still hoping then that we will still have our second chance but I guess I was just hoping for nothing. I could see the love you have for her, the love that you never gave to me when we were still together.

Now, we are both already engaged with our partners, you with the woman you love while I am with the man who loves me more than anyone did. I have to say goodbye to the memories we created together because I know I was the only one who was holding to those.

Today, I looked at your photo with her. While looking at that picture, I realized how unfair I've been to Jhonnex. The man who never left me despite of my awful past, the man who loves my imperfection more than I do. The man who never fails to shower me with the love I never felt in you.

Today, I promise to myself to let go of everything that I have for you and that includes the hope of hearing sorry from you and the pain I've been holding for so long. I deserve a life that's full of joy. I deserve a love that is pure and I deserve a man who could love me at all times.

And in this letter I want to say that I have forgiven you already, not because you asked and deserve it but because I deserve to be at peace with the man I promise to love forever.

May God bless you and your soon to be family.

[mayjanestuff]

I wanna shut all doors

Get away from the chaos of darkness

And be free from the loudness of my mind

Something's just telling me to run

But I can't

Something's telling me

[mayjanestuff]

Baby, you are the most precious surprise God has ever given to me. You came in when I thought love wasn't for me. God sent you to help me see the best of me. I don't know what life would be without you in it. Thank you for the love, for the patience and for everything that you've done for me. Iloveyou so so much my love, Jhonnex Ponce. 💕💗🎇

[mayjanestuff]

Midnight Thoughts

It's 12:36 in the morning and I'm still here wide awake. The thoughts in my mind are so loud I can't just ignore them. That's why I've decided to write them down just like the way I did before.

As I was listening to the song "Need you now" by the Plumb, I just realized how far life has taken me. So far that it brought me away from the people I dearly loved. It made me see how much space I put and how high the walls are I built that separated me from them just because I of my selfishness. I felt like these people don't need me in their lives and that my absence doesn't bother them at all. I've been clouded by my own insecurities and kept grudges. All these have not just separate me physically away from these people but it literally made me push them out of my life. And now I'm just feeling so bad and hurt by what I've done. 💔💔

I know change is inevitable but the change I've made for my self is just so awful and selfish. I wish I could still make up to my friends. They were with me through my tough times before. 😭😭 They were and have been celebrating with me through my success. But this st**** selfishness is drawing me away from them.

God please let me make up to these genuine people. I love them so much. 💕 Let me be a real friend to them as they are to me. 🙏💕

[mayjanestuff]

Tonight, I'm writing my gloomy thoughts. I just got home from attending party. Yet the moment I laid my body to my bed, I can already feel the heaviness in my heart. It's something I couldn't explain yet I can't also ignore. I feel like I'm so tired and lonely. I feel like I'm already an outcast from the world I used to have. The people I've included into that world seemed to have moved on with their lives. My so called bffs are already happily moving on with their lives and are not even reaching out to me. They seem to not care at all. I don't think they still need me in their lives while I am right here affected by how they are ignoring me, away and silently facing this loneliness and brokenness. I want to cry hard enough just to let this all out. I want to burst out just to free myself from this heavy emotions. I want to just shout that I am tired. 😭😭😭 Is there even anyone of them who thinks that I need somebody right now to talk to. I also need a shoulder to cry on. 😭😭 I am scared. I am tired. I am so lonely. I feel so burdened. I want to stop right here. I don't want to care at all. I want to live on my own. I don't want to be that sensitive, emotional cry-baby anymore. 😭😭😭😭

[mayjanestuff]

As I grow older, I realized that I’m losing a lot of people who occupy a big space in my heart and share a big part in my life. Then when I was praying I said to Him, “Papa God, I can’t live without these people.” Then I heard a voice, it’s as if He was physically talking to me and said “You are not alone for I am always with you.” Then I realized that all my life I’ve fighting and yearning for the attention of these people. Trying so hard not to lose them but I never really tried harder to Have the presence of God who has never forsaken me even at the time that I’ve ignored His presence.

[mayjanestuff]

An open letter to this woman's soon-to-be forever,

(char Lang pero Tinud.anay n 😁😄)

please take it with sincerity and care. She's been through a lot of heartaches in the past that she didn't deserve. Her heart may be broken but the love that she gives is still unconditional. Though her journey was tough but she still believes in true love and always believe in you. Please don't take that happiness away from her again like someone else did before. I've been praying

[mayjanestuff]

To my mama

Thank you for always trusting me when it comes to my decision and make sure that you are there to guide me. Thank you for letting me choose the path I want to take and always make sure that you are

[mayjanestuff]

[mayjanestuff]

Hey dad, I want to get married na. I want to build my own family already. But I keep holding myself from saying yes to. Jhonnex because there is still one thing that I haven't fixed with you. I haven't forgiven you yet dad because I've never heard your apology. I want to know that you were sorry for what you did to me when I was still in second grade. Dad, I remember that night. I remember how you made me lived in fears, pain and anger for the past years of my life since you did it it to me. After what happened everything was no longer the same dad. I was so broken already trying to look for somebody who could complete me to the point that I no longer set a standard in finding a man just as long I can get rid of the loneliness and brokenness I felt for the past years. I was longing for someone who could protect me and truly care for me dad because that one person that I used to look up to betrayed me. And it hurt me so much. 😭😭 You broke my heart even before someone else did. 😭😭😭 You made me suffer in pain for the longest years of my life. You made me live in hatred for you. Daddy, I wanna be free now. I want to be at peace already. I want to build my own family with no more hang ups in the past. But I can only have those things I will hear that you were sorry Dad. That you were sincerely sorry. 😭😭😭 I want freedom from all these heavy feelings.