lovestruckedvang

[lovestruckedvang]

Plucked petals

This blog may never be found again, maybe someone has it and such. But as of lately or the end of last month. Things are no more. My heart didn’t sink too deep but tears are at random. I guess my affection depleted and my flaws were exposed, what I keep tripping on is always the same things. Is my demise forever the same? I don’t know. It just stings knowing I tried bettering myself but its utterly pointless. I can’t manage how to resolve anything. Till then, I’ll just stay in the comfort of my friends and become sheltered with what I have now and bettering myself. I’ll try and refocus on a future without and with a partner but I’d best just let go of all. I don’t want to waste another’s time. 

[lovestruckedvang]

Fall’s blooms and nippy breeze

It has been a while, a few major aspects of life have changed. I want to say for the better. I might have lost a lot but at the same time, I gained more goodness. My so-called best friend, who was my ex, has left the picture after 8 years, I have made sure to make this permanent. It stung a little bit, but my love made it better. I am sure we both are gonna become super happy apart now with our significant others. I am sure I’ve gotten others sick of my ways, but I don’t care. If they were really my friends then I would have cared to save the bond. But they didn’t even care to talk to me about anything so I’ll wave at their backs. I know my real friends are extremely happy with my happiness. I am nearly done with school so I am focused on that now. I should be taking my test than typing this but I have this wonderful feeling I just want to type out.

2017, has been a year. I found someone who has really shattered all my views that made me want to be alone. He has been really understanding and perfect handling me. It has been everything I wanted and more. I am really working on my inner issues, he does not make things stressful for them. I contain those issues because I know those are the past events trying to haunt me. When we are talking, sleeping or such, it alleviates with blissful butterflies. Friends and such say I do too much when it comes to him, but he seems to be okay with it. Which makes me happy.

I really enjoy the late nights, when one of us is tired or just waking up. We talk nonsense sometimes, sometimes we just talk about cute things. Thoughts linger on to those words, like a sweet aftertaste. I will never grow tired of anything we talk about, makes me want to work harder to see him faster. 

“I loved kissing you” “idk how many times I said that” “ but it was so romantic”

“you don’t have to ever let go”

Those words melted my heart last night. I shortly drifted back to sleep then waking up feeling the same since the first day. You can call it as you like, but as long as I am able to feel this way and express it fully. I know, I won’t let go.

[lovestruckedvang]

Calls and Boys.

I was never a big fan of calling over the cellphones, more holding a conversation to be all honest. Something about stalling and not making conversations always made me feel uneasy on a phone, the holding onto the cellphone and feeling the phone overheating due to my warmth pressed up against it. But I always seemed alright just over the computer. If it was strictly just the voice, the better, I wouldn’t have to worry about how I looked during my daily activities. Like if I wanna pick my booger, I will god damn pry that dried up snot monster out because it won't let me breathe. Or when I am eating ramen noodles, I slurp it up, its the best feeling but I feel like that I am silently judged. 

With him though, I do not really feel judged or worry about these things. We mostly talk, hardly video, which is great because my reactions are something too much. Like the time I got spooked over loud sounds, imagine my face every single time something scares me. Plus I feel more at ease because I don’t feel like I’m merely shy throughout our conversations and complimented as often. I honestly liked to be seen passed those visual aspects. I'm a simple girl who likes simple things. Personality is a big thing in my world because personality is the only attribute that lasts a lifetime, along with honesty. Looks and sounds alter throughout years, money depletes, and sex...well I’m sure that gets boring.

Since I met him, even as a friend...he cared. I reread our old conversations from time to time, and thinking to myself ‘Wow, he really never changed after all this time really.’ Randomly my heart swells up and I tear up, I might have always been negative towards guys and how they felt towards me.Yet every obstacle that we encountered, he has always chosen me. That is all I wanted, I didn’t care what it was about. That is why I felt so safe with him, at first the hesitation clouded it because with everything in the past. I felt these empty promises, 2nd best or disposable feeling.  

My first was not the ideal boyfriend so to speak, most fucked up an emotional relationship by far. He didn’t ask me out in a cute way or anything. He was DARED to ask me out and I said sure. This was my 7th grade, so peer pressure was all I was put on for most of my actions. My neighborhood was pretty much white rich folks, and you had to fit in if you wanted to survive. So I went along with the groups and I turned out pretty fine. Well better, I wasn’t a timid bitch about to take any shit from assholes. I guess this was when I built a backbone.  I didn’t have my first kiss, it wasn’t cute. Me being inexperienced about anything, I just went in and skipped to a make out. He was emotionally unstable, pretty much your typical emo skater dude who cried over anything. When I said I learned to have a backbone was after all the shit I put up with. He forced a lot on me, I was a kid, I didn’t know better. When we had our last fight, he went at tried to cheat on me. The girl later became one of my good friends after the breakup. He called me a bitch for just not taking him back, he harassed me since we were neighbors. Freshman year, I eventually snapped. I stood up, told him to fuck off, I didn’t want him and I didn’t care what happens anymore. I remember that was the first time my saliva tasted like acid with my fighting words. He backed off, I moved on. He, well he talked shit behind my back because he said I was stealing his friends. But it's not my fault people enjoyed my company more than his, but I didn’t harass him like he did to me. I kept distanced and became a social butterfly and avoided his path. After high school I learned a lot, he was having a sex change and said since he was 14 that he didn’t feel right. Soooooo, I guess I'm to blame? I dunno to be honest but that is what our friends suggested. I’m glad he is out of my life

 The second one was just a manwhore to me. He flirted with multiple of girls and kissed me while I was flustered in class. I was not aware he dated my best friend at the time for a week, so when she found out she was okay with it but I felt sorta awkward after knowing. He wrote me notes, I kept most of them and he kept plenty of mine. He was the first guy I called over the phone and we just enjoyed the quiet times we had together. I guess we were never really in love due to how things turned out. I tried my best, but I guess he wanted more or a past he never could let go. With a relationship built like a switch after a year, I guess I should have noticed but his family always lured me back. And I tried my best to be good enough but I wasn’t for him. He first broke up with me for the fact he was going to move, second time was because we weren’t going to have enough time together and third time....well he fucking quoted ‘Scott Pilgrim’  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Vl5JK3L_OQ ) then later texted me an official break up while I was watching New Moon with my mom, she was disgusted and it perked me up her reaction to the movie. After we moved on, he dated my best friend, the one he dated before me and she broke up with him. Gosh after that we burned him at every chance we could because god did we hate him. Junior year he dated my other best friend, the one who helped me throughout my whole break up and I even went to her church event, we had the closes bond. I warned her about him and the rumors that circulated around the school. I grew tired of him being near me and our friendship dissolved, my choice though. She was innocent and I wanted him to stay away. After high school, they got engaged but I still hear the drama from time to time, I unfriended her till recently. We don’t talk much but I miss her a lot, he is still a scumbag of a loser tbh. 

Third one felt like the real charm, he was a gentleman with me. He was patient with me, we were in love and always together for 4 years. We planned a future and were set on each other. What changed? Distance, it showed our true colors and depression. He tried to maintain contact with me. It worked out almost. But he couldn’t hold up his promises which bothered me a lot after 5 years. Then he started to make a big deal about his issues. Mind you, my issues were greater. His issues were school and how he was being teased, this was since we started dating till we broke up so a total of 5 years. Mine? My best friend committed suicide, a few other died around the same time from crashes, drugs or suicide within a few months. I cut any possible future with him when he wanted to commit suicide, right after I told him my mother had cancer. I was a complete mess, what I knew as my safe haven was now just a thorn. I tried pushing him away from my life 3 times. Things got better for both of us, he got a good job and had his dog making him feel better. My mom survived cancer and I had others to vent to. He was one of the few people I trusted and maintained a friendship with me. (next paragraph to follow the order timeline) He is still my best friend after all the shit, even after that and being put on the side for a thot. I told him how I really felt, I drank and smoked to feel less. I felt betrayed for a girl who gave him pussy over our friendship. I almost had him out of my life, I just forgot to block him from the last form of contact. When they were over, he told me I was right, he told me he won't put me on the side again. But mind you, I hold on to all the negative shit till this day. So I told him to accept my friendship, he must endure my punishment. Me hating on him and not expecting more from me. He did, he spoiled me with gifts and food, I warned him he couldn’t get back with me so he could stop it. He kept going. Recently we keep in touch, he visits me from time to time. We are really each other's best friends due to all the shit went through, but I wouldn’t be surprised him leaving or such. I just know he is someone who is willing to help me out regardless. I would literally be his sister but I won’t call him my brother due to having dated him. My current boyfriend doesn’t like him at all, well is vice-versa really. I also recently helped him out with his new girlfriend, I supported him and pushed him to muster up the courage to make a move, even helped him picked gifts for her and her sister. I wish him the best of luck with his future.

I would like to add a somewhat fourth boyfriend. We were friends for years while I was having my issues with my life he was there for me. He wasn’t totally always there emotionally, but he was very caring. I made a huge step, visited him and we spent 12 days together. I asked him to ask me out only if he was ready for it. His biggest mistake would have been that. After I left, he became distant with me, I assumed this was typical. Yet became irritable with the distanced, I tried fixing it but he just was upset. Eventually, I ended it after 3 months. I placed a big distanced between us, I forced myself to move on. I guess this where I stopped falling for others and held myself back. Now he has moved on with someone near, honestly, I think he deserves better but that is my opinion. We don’t talk at all unless it correlates with our gaming.

Those tinder dates really did a number though and coworkers. I was pretty much numbed up and accepted on just being alone. Those adventures were pretty much a joke. Mentally I was pretty fucked up at times but I calmed down after a while. When the ugly reality hit me, shit I just stopped wasting my time and money as those people. People wondered why I did not want to be their girlfriend. Because I was afraid of those previous situations repeating, so if I didn’t see a future or felt safe, I wasn’t considering. Sometimes things they say will be held against them and I instantly don’t want them. But not all the tinder people are really bad, I found a few and are really good friends with me. Tinder for me is not a dating app for me, it is a trolling app now.

My now unofficial boyfriend, Has basically done above and beyond. I met him in person, we aren’t distanced, he is a gentleman, he isn’t fucked up in the brain at all. He is not going to ask me out till we are ready, but we are like 500% hooked on each other so that is why I call him my boyfriend....that and he started calling me that. We have a future we want to achieve together. He doesn’t make me want to feel better off alone. He is really my skies and beyond. He says I'm his world. Finally, he isn’t planning on leaving anytime soon, he has proven that with time.

[lovestruckedvang]

Background

How did these threads intertwine? They happen without knowing.

I’m your average artsy girl gamer who has a social butterfly personality.

I played in various gaming communities, our paths cross a few times but we were strangers and nobodies to each other.

One fine March, my job wasn’t giving me enough hours so I had more free time than normal, my spring break was coming up, TOPPING THAT OFF WAS MY BIRTHDAY. So what did I do on my free time? Spent it revisiting communities and shitposting like a typical gamer, and that is when we noticed each other. He called me out for shitposting and I sassed back. Light fun. 

One joke created a knot, which we just started talking. I will never forget the first thing he said when I first snapped him a picture of me (Most likely me being bland asf). He said I made his heart drop, I thought that was the sweet.  Instantly we were friends, with his personal business occurring at the time, that friendship escalated closely to being best friends. Since the first day I cared for him, I listen to him. I drunkenly cried about him, I was just worried about him overall. He also caused me to miss work once. I always told him “No matter what happens, I’ll be your friend first.” I didn’t care about any awkward feelings that might have been developing, for I suppressed my emotions at the time.

I suppressed because I was depressed and I was afraid of loving another. 2016 to 2017 was a shit show mostly. Nothing really felt safe, nothing really felt real, I  was usually right about the guys who wanted a chance. Even after I offer them what they really wanted, but no fuckboys want that emotional shit and more. I always asked from others not to say they loved me and whatever they may be feeling is just a phase. 

As I suppressed my emotions, he respected me and we stayed in contact daily. Things went dark but I tried staying there. Somethings stuck to me in that dark part, I was happy to know he really cared about our friendship in the end when he had to pick. After things got better, we were distanced yet not...

Once the semester was over, I had planned to go and travel.  The summers I always planned a vacation, this time was to see New York. I was craving all the foods and the fun things I would be doing. I also wanted to see my friends, him being one. I had learned to take the subways and walked to his place. I was pretty lost where I was finding him, yet he found me. I told him before my trip that I would be glad to be his first date. He showed me around, made sure I was walking safely around ( even though I nearly walked into oncoming traffic). He learned I got spooked easily by loud sounds, so he found it funny when a truck blared its horn and I yelped. We got to the movies, was a gentleman to me. Him being clumsy and dropping his drink made me laugh, so it made me feel better about being a total pussy. We watched ‘The Mummy’, boy the jump scares got me good. He was enjoying that. After the movie and such I thought about what would have been an official date to do as a best friend. We haven’t talked much so I wasn’t aware how he was feeling about me. So as we waited for the bus I kissed him on the cheek and told him grats on the first date. We parted after due to my plans.

My plans honestly changed everything due to them no happening. Me being kinda pissy just meant  I was just gonna try and hang out more with my friend. What I didn’t expect was the second time we hung out.

(This next paragraph I left out a few of the details for reasons. But this is like 96% what happens)

So we made plans, this time we were gonna adventure, so not a date really. I met his mom. Yeah, that happens. After we talk and such we head out, he lets me meet his friends. I was not expecting this at all, this has caused a blur in my memory. I don’t recall if I agreed or anything but his hand is around my waist. Inner me was just blissfully happy, the now-me is sorta confused how that happen tbh. After that, we walked around, we petted some cats ( Inner me is just like OMFG CATS). We ate together and then walked someone till we reach his Sister’s placed. He finally was able to show me his favorite movie, I also met his cat ( DYING SOME MORE) and we watched the movie together. Another hazy blur occurred once again, maybe it was the heat of the closeness and tickling we had. BECAUSE BITCH WAS MAKING FUN OF ME BEING SCARED SO FUCKING EASILY, I HAD TO SHOW HIM NOT TO FUCK WITH ME. And I kissed him, I felt that ray of warmth right there. That is when my heart honestly just wanted him.... Soon after I met his Sister, brother-in-law, and their little one.  The movie is over and we head out, this time we were heading to see his grandmother. All that my mind was filled with just kissing him and saying the words. I held it together through it all, but we both liked kissing ( >////< ) We calmed down and got to his grandmother’s, right off the bat we talked nonstop about everything. Sun was setting and we had to head out. (Sidenote: We took the stairs and got nearly locked out when we left. )  Our walk back was a tad intense, my mind was just a chaotic mess with thoughts and ideas. His kisses soothed them back, yet were ready for anything. We were gonna part at the train but I wanted to walk with him till the end, I didn’t want to leave and tried to stay as long as possible. We were close to his house and he taught me how to bus to the train. The bus wasn’t gonna get there for a while, so once again we kissed. When we saw that bus, both of us were highly upset. We parted and that distanced was filled. It was filled with a hope of me returning and being offered a job making it possible for me to see him more often.

After I left, I was sad I couldn’t spend more time with him. But we had things to do and go back to our lives. We talked more, not like before but we talked. One day I don’t know when I just told him. I told him that I loved him and never took it back. I wasn’t expecting more or such. In the back of my head, that dark part was stuck and I felt I was just saying it. But it felt nice.

Another day, he was partying, clearly intoxicated. He texts me about being intoxicated but he wanted to talk. I told him after sobers up to text me about it. I didn’t want to hear anything serious, especially under the influence. We talked he wanted to make it clear he was scared if someone would come and take me away from him.  At this point, I flew to see him, kissed him and I said I love you. Ya girl ain’t thinking about another. But in the reality, I didn’t want him to deal with the distance. My previous relationship went belly up because of distance. Another thing was our times and such, I wanted him to focus on himself and if he wanted to be with someone, I wanted him to be happy. He really wanted me, he wanted me more than his best friend. His mom was clearly crazy about me. I had this in the back of my mind. I loved my best friend, yet I felt things pulling me back and knowing this I was sorta torn what to do.

Filler Friend paragraph: I was typing a hall of friends and I typed soo much it cut his part off. So he messaged me about it, THIS HUMAN TOLD ME TO TYPE MORE ABOUT HIM! So I went and fucking said “I’ll just go obsessed gf on your ass” It was very obnoxious and people hated it, I was doing what I do best, being extra. And me being high quality petty, well I did what I did best when thots push my friend around. Do what they don’t like, I can’t be naturally petty unless I am given a motived or knowledge. 

We talked even more after that day. Then one night call happen. It was our usual thing, we were hanging out and talking. We were pretty fucking tired, and we just talked. Talked about everything, everything I held back and told him about what stuck to me and why it never came up sooner. The biggest relief was when I finally told him. “I never stopped thinking of you since we met.” I was surprised I didn’t want to barf, me suppressing these emotions usually made me feel sick but I was so tired after pulling an all-nighter. I just said it. And boy....did that just made the gates of mush open.  Below is directly what I posted, I guess this was the original blog entries.

“Officially Unofficial Couple

3/22 Added me  4/13 Started a streak  6/13 Met him in person  6/18 When I felt him as my home  9/13 Is the day every emotion and unspoken word came out.

Everyone basically might have seen it, but Him and I are too alike and to shy say our true feelings before. But I am really happy he has been steady with me. We have always been friends first, I am thankful for that. I hope that this can keep going but with everything out in the open. Sorry for any let downs we might have caused, but we are happy with each other's company the most. It just took two tired people to talk it out.

10/3 It has been a less than a month, but it feels nice. Every new day there is another reason I just love you more. I enjoy slowing passing out and listening to your voice, the words never feel dull. I enjoy making sure you are the first to see me daily. I am very proud with your goals slowing being accomplished, I will support you every step of the way. You really have plastered a smile on my face daily. thank you.

I love you, him 

P.S.After college, you are in for a long spoilage of affection :3“

So after this, the 9/13 we were basically a couple. I messaged everyone I had previously talked to (or the like going MIA)  said I was interested him full and that any possibility they thought they had was over. A few sad people and a heartbreak but I knew they would live. Every night we jump in a call and talked, we spent every waking moment and free time talking. He told me one day If words get around, don’t get mad but I am calling you my girlfriend.” The word girlfriend struck me so god fucking hard my face went all ketchup. Like I was like fucking shy about it but after that, I decided to let others know what he was my boyfriend, ESPECIALLY AT WORK. 

I showered him with affection through everything. I started texting him daily a picture if me no matter what I looked like and posting on his profile. I altered my profile to be about him. Some call it puppy love, I fucking call it passionately not gave a fuck. I had no care about nobodies, my closest friends don’t give a fuck. My ex was the only one who cared, and I told him to suck it up. Sucking it up he did, he teased me at times for smiling so hard at my messages with him. How I spammed him throughout a whole day 6-8 pages of comments because he was asleep and I missed him.

I was going to add another entry but then I saw that it was starting to look cluttery. So I started another blog. I just wasn’t expecting to type a fucking essay about me loving him and shit like that ya know. I'm sure that my typing has altered now because I'm tired. I think I’ll give it a rest.

him: I’m subbing his name out for the blog.

https://youtu.be/stqyCF3q1LE?list=PLxnq0fT5fQftrNRoNXhmE1r6A4m6FsOVY

[lovestruckedvang]

Another blog, another chapter.

Redirecting infatuated emotions onto this blog due to clutter on steam. If you have clicked the link, well someone was bored or has caught interest on a blogger’s daily thoughts being lovestruck.  

Urban Dictionary’s definition is quite spot on “Lovestruck: Like struck with a lightning bolt. The second that you see and meet the person, you are instantly in love. Head over heels, can't stop thinking about them, want to be with them, hold them hug them, & be held and hugged and loved by them in return.” 

I want to clarify in the next post about not following that exact definition but close to it.

I honestly cannot stop expressing this emotion, it swells up in me, and I just have a need to vent it out. It's a pleasant feeling, it is a great positive one, the kind that fuels my actions and future to become greater than normal. To me, he is the sun from the ‘Allegory of the Cave’. In my view, he might just be the sun that sits there but his rays shine onto my life. Bringing vivid and lively colors, his rays wrap around me as a warmth of security. I have been living in a cave with the repetitive shadows passing by and becoming mediocre. Chained to the thought process that nothing will change in the end and to just focus on me. Its how I feel, I do not want to ever forget this feeling. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCl8kC3bDxU

[ The first post is pretty beefy...gotta blast for now ^^]