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[littlevirgin-wearsthewhite]

Old flame came over, I came to terms by choosing to not take things personally with this one. He’s such a free spirit. I’ve gotten pretty good at telling which level i’m at in the rotation. He told me,

“I’m used to having a housemate, and it seems nice to live alone. But it also seems really lonely.”

Told him it is, but I’m used to being alone.

I don’t need to fall in love yet, I just want to be held, to be honest. I don’t expect anything from people, you can’t control that. But it really does get lonely. He hasn’t changed one bit since coming back.

I’m realizing that something in me needs nurturing. I’m tired of taking care of other people and their needs, I just want some reciprocation. Always yearning, always trudging.

[littlevirgin-wearsthewhite]

Unpacking my books in my new little home I found and made for myself

Situating themselves on the weather-stained piece of oak that I stole from the store when I couldn’t bother to pay eighty fucking dollars for a slab of wood

Nailed up all by myself, I stand back proud

Howl, I read your letter dated February 18th, 2016. Stuck between pages 32 and 33

I smile

I like to remember you this way

[littlevirgin-wearsthewhite]

Catching gnats

Is like harnessing my feelings

Tiny, black specks zoom past the foliage,

Feeding on their roots,

Pregnant and annoying

Free to be, and dwindling.

Persistent nonetheless

I lay in bed reading, watching anime for nostalgia, warm coffee on the nightstand

grasping for things beyond my reach

I’m unsuccessful at times. But lately I’ve gotten very good

Quick and sharp, my reflexes form a fist and smother until it dies

But there are still so many left to roam

Called the rest of the month off to finally have some peace and quiet,

Rest my astigmatism-stricken eyes,

And I hear birds

And I feel wind

And I miss the days before classes

And the sea-salty air

And I think about you sometimes

I don’t hate you

I just don’t know what to say

I don’t think I want for us to be strangers forever

I just don’t know when to open or shut the door

[littlevirgin-wearsthewhite]

On the full moon in Aquarius my heart felt so much hurt it came spilling out of me as if I’d never experienced heartbreak before. It felt like I’d just been left. I kept thinking, remembering how happy I was, and how those moments are gone, and how far away they are, and wondering why I still think about them. It felt like a huge release, but it was so fucking confusing because despite having a lot in my heart and on my mind for months, I hadn’t cried about it. I guess I just pushed everything aside and down and away from me just to keep going forward. I think that generally, I’ve felt okay, even though I know I’m not finished healing. I made an attempt to move on, with minor success. It’s the closest I’ve gotten to feeling romantically hopeful again. I’m still afraid to be fully vulnerable and honest with myself because I really can’t put my trust in anyone. He leaves the country in two months and he’s trying to heal from his own fair share of disappointments and a heartbreak, too — I cant tell if he wants it to go anywhere at this point and you know I’m not the type to beg for it, so I’m just coasting by, albeit uneasily. I still think about you. But I don’t know where to go from here. I still believe you can be proud of who you are. I do hope you’re taking care of yourself even though I get the feeling you aren’t... I know how you get, so please just be careful. I don’t hate you. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. I know that you’re sorry you have. I can only remember the good things, the way you made me feel loved when you did love me, how comforted I felt when I needed something. You were there for me. Sometimes I wish I could turn over and tell you a joke or show you something I feel like only you could understand. When things feel like they’re feeling apart and I want reassurance, I remember happy times with you. I think if I’m trying to move on, I look for ways that you made me feel— accepted and wanted and understood—At least the way it was in the beginning. I’ve never been in love more than once, so I don’t know what to look for. It’s absolutely fucking terrifying.

I’ve been hesitant to say anything until now only because it feels strange to resurface things I’ve tried so hard for months to push down, but I think this comes with the territory. I feel like I’ve plateaued in a sense, and I’ve grown discontent with how things are, just generally speaking, in my life. My poor coping mechanisms have started up again. These letters might just be how I can do it for the time being. Today I wish I could give you a tight hug.

[littlevirgin-wearsthewhite]

I first said “I love you” crying on a sidewalk curb. I wasn’t sad, he was holding my hand, we had been drinking all day. I’d never said it to anyone before. There was really nothing wrong, yet I was terrified. I wasn’t thinking in the present, but instead years down the road when I knew how gutted I would feel when the bliss had become bitter, when I preferred my own blanket, when he stopped holding my hand. I have a tendency to drift away from what’s in front of me, my mind preoccupied with a ghost of everything that went wrong or a suffocating dread for what’s to come. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really just a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I’m getting better. I’m able to focus on what I do and do not control. I’m able to hold my own. But somewhere inside I know I’ll always hold a place that is special. Almost everything reminds me of some moment in a drunken haze. You’re in my thoughts daily even if it doesn’t seem so. I envy the people who can find that bliss just as easily as I was able to find it, as deeply as I had, as often as they do. I think my parents are responsible for why I’m guarded in this way. I just wish I had loved before you. I wish I had loved after you.

[littlevirgin-wearsthewhite]

Kresge

I can feel my chest slowly begin to tighten one centimeter further As the days go by And my blood thumps  Like the dull, muted sound of a ticking watch beneath cotton. The wind brings chills to my thighs, Which are covered in goosebumps Soon, my nose will run And turn pink Buried beneath the fabric of my layers Of sweaters that smell like  cigarettes and homemade Sonoma wine

I’ll walk along the dirt trails that lead into The forest where we first smoked Drunk, Under the twinkling, open sky And I Will always think of you when I cross this bridge Just to get to sleep at night

[littlevirgin-wearsthewhite]

And you, the poet, Have scarred your words in me Tracing my hips and back Deep into my hair They resonate and sing to me So late at night You, the poet, embed your prose As white lines across my skin Tracing the same path Your faint whispers took the next morning

[littlevirgin-wearsthewhite]

Lola

Water in your chest

And a blockage in your heart

You’re struggling to breathe

I do it to myself to calm my anxieties

but it’s getting me nowhere fast

You’ve mended things with my dad

Just breathe

Just Breathe

[littlevirgin-wearsthewhite]

Tiller

I burn my lungs, they ignite with fire

Little boy, young Icarus,

Don’t you get so tired?

I’m holding my breath for as long as this bridge will stretch

I’ll be just fine if I make it across

Sobs so hard I choke on my cries

Gagging in the front seat like I’m back in high school

Only pick up the phone after you’ve picked up the glass

It’s got me thinking you just like the chase

You say you love me in the long run typa way—

Nah babe, you say,

you say it ain’t how you love other girls,

Until the next one drops like a color-way

Like, forget about me until it’s convenient

Cuz now you’re up,

You got the whip,

You got the ice,

You got the kicks,

You ain’t got class no more,

You ain’t got those papers,

You’re makin’ it, ‘cause,

now you got class and ‘cause,

now, you got paper

[littlevirgin-wearsthewhite]

A (Love) Letter to You:

Dear Jay,

I’ll start by saying I love you, so much so that I’m going to leave.

I’m falling off the maps,

And I’m falling off the reigns of my control.

Self-control,

Wishin our time was right,

You know I’ll keep a place for you,

Locked tight in a box,

Chained with rocks,

Sinking to the floor

It’ll be there, deep at the bottom of my ocean to live

Amongst the other dark secrets I haven’t brought to the surface

I won’t mention you anymore

You’ll be an eternal sunshine to my spotless mind,

You’ll still throw your parties,

I’ll be across that ocean

One day you’ll see a light flash

Green as the redwoods

Just to let you know

That I’m alive

And well

[littlevirgin-wearsthewhite]

Bathtub

Turkish Smoke fills the air of the white marble bathtub Steam from the shower head blends indiscriminately I try to blow both out the window I can’t find where the tears and the water meet The heat feels good against my skin But it won’t make the headache go away I’ve always been partial to a bit of pain

[littlevirgin-wearsthewhite]

Maple

The quiet hum of city busses wheeze every fifteen minutes I can hear them in the distance from the comfort of your bed The window is half-concealed with a thin bed sheet And the sunlight bouncing off the pale yellow walls illuminate your room with an energy that I find within you Your pillow was always much softer than mine (aka the one you’d let me use) Sometimes I would step through the open window— which had no screen so the cat could jump through— to smoke a cigarette and feel the sun through the empty spaces between the Redwood leaves From the porch, I can hear guitars and singing upstairs spilling out from the open balcony doors And I would join you My eyes well up on the bus But I play it off with a yawn I used to think time moved so quickly

[littlevirgin-wearsthewhite]

Runs

1am at the 7/11 down the street from our old home It doesn’t feel the same Drunchies don’t mean shit anymore When you’re going it alone Much like the drop of a burner phone from a chapter of Murakami, I do my business here quick and meaningless Leaving what I came here for as Cold as the refrigerated section left to ring I opened the bag of chips upside down Like you used to do Unintentionally, and when I realized, I remembered how much I paid attention To every meaningless thing you did I suppose it’s just what you do when you’re in love

[littlevirgin-wearsthewhite]

Crave

It was Siddhartha who once said, ‘To reach nirvana, you must renounce all earthly desires,’ What sins, then, What lust we have, and appetite too to eat just before you are satisfied;

Yes, you will reach liberation soon. I can feel it. I hold my appetite—it controls me

I still Crave the fire, the water that spills from us on this earth, expelling breath and oxygen like a rhythm

But she’s my friend And she is also beautiful

[littlevirgin-wearsthewhite]

Cub

I can smell the incense burning

Dropping our winter coats onto the Celestial room floor

I wanted a kitchen with marble counters

Platforms highs, so I can see over the mountains—

Peering out from the second-story balcony

Abba’s angels been watching out for me

Drink in my hand, heavy on the cognac,

I feel like a king steady sippin’ on that

He used to call himself Invincible

and wore it each night just like it was a charm

I’ll bet now he wears a lion dipped in gold

Heavy on his chest,

But a child in his heart

[littlevirgin-wearsthewhite]

In retrospect

I can almost feel the heatwaves rolling in on me

Wheezing busses and chatter outside

I miss the way the air smelled out there

It had a hint of purpose

And back then my life felt like it was really worth living

My plaid skirts cut off at my thighs

I used to wear my hair high on my head

And the love I had engulfed me each day

I still live by the ocean, but,

Lately she’s been screaming for me to jump in,

Black as night, the rain hits my skin softly

Oh, but I have a choice

I pull into reverse and drive back home

[littlevirgin-wearsthewhite]

Massaging my bruise, Black silk running across my skin,

I remembered, in a daze, how he kissed me at the intersection and it felt like love

No looking out

And no looking back

My boots edged off the curb with the headlights on us

He told me it was quiet for a Wednesday

And I never saw him again