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Like many people, you might be stuck at home in quarantine with your partner. You might be bored, and you might be getting on each other's nerves...  You can use this time work on your relationship!

The Gottman Institute offers a free app you can install on your phone to play with your partner to develop a sense of connection, based on their research.

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The science of attraction. 

Romantic chemistry is all about warm, gooey feelings that gush from the deepest depths of the heart…right? Not quite. Actually, the real boss behind attraction is your brain, which runs through a very quick, very complex series of calculations when assessing a potential partner. Dawn Maslar explores how our five senses contribute to this mating game, citing some pretty wild studies along the way.

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I don’t know a single person with bipolar disorder that doesn’t have that one friend or family member who just doesn’t get it. They have either no idea about mental illness in general or believe it’s something you can fix.

For me, it’s more than frustrating. It’s downright cruel. You would think that your family and friends would be the first to hold your hand and say they are there for you. They would sit you down, look you in the eyes, and tell you it’s going to be OK. Unfortunately, you get the usual confusion and apathy. Or you get the anger. Here are couple of the usual responses and ways to combat them:

Argument #1 “Oh, I have felt depressed/anxious/manic/tired/etc. before too! All you need is to read/exercise/meditate/etc. to fix it! It worked for me no problem.”

While all of those are good tips for living a well-balanced life, they do very little if anything when you are deep in the throes of depression or mania. Logic and reason go out the window along the with the basic ability to take good care of yourself. I fully believe in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) as very helpful tools to manage your bipolar disorder but these will not cure it. They just won’t. So to have someone tell you that you just need to do this one thing and you won’t be depressed or manic anymore is absurd and irresponsible. It perpetuates the stigma that this is “all in your head” and that you should be able to control it.

For these kinds of people, I highly encourage sitting them down with some good resources and educating them. These are the people that want to help but don’t know how. They don’t fully comprehend the fact that you can’t possibly find anything fun to do when you are depressed. BpHope has a wealth of knowledge on all aspects of bipolar and how best to tackle it. See links at the bottom of this page for more educational information.

Argument #2 “You’ve got to be kidding! Not this again. Why can’t you just be better? It’s not that hard. Other people do it just fine.”

This one is by far the hardest and most tricky to tackle. For people that give off this classic, aggressive form of stigma, the best thing to do is work around them. These are the kind of people that you will disappoint at every turn. They refuse to listen and are verbally and emotionally abusive.

Try your best to avoid these people or minimize contact. Some of them can be reasoned with but the majority won’t. Too much negative reinforcement is toxic to you and not helpful to them. I know it’s hard but you need to put yourself and your happiness first. Period. No matter how you feel or what you have done, you deserve happiness. I will stand my ground until the very end arguing for that.

All in all, you have a mental disorder. Your brain doesn’t function the same as everyone else’s regardless of public opinion. But that doesn’t mean you are weak. In fact it means you are much stronger than you think. It takes monumental courage and strength to live life with bipolar. I say this all the time here and on my blog: you are a warrior. You fight until your last breath. Everyday you fight you are winning. Keep fighting.

Don’t be ashamed of your actions. Learn from them and grow.

***

If you — or someone you know — need help, please call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If you are outside of the U.S., please visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of international resources.

AUTHOR: ​JESS MELANCHOLIA

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Everyone can be great because everyone can serve.

Martin Luther King

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Creating a trusting environment is one of the most important keys to a successful group; whether it be a therapy group or in the traditional classroom setting (for the rest of this post I’m going to use the term “group” for the sake of non-redundancy. I use this term to refer to both therapy groups and traditional classrooms as they’re still groups of students). Higher self-disclosure, group content engagement, and overall cohesiveness find a large piece of their roots in trust. When students feel they can trust you and others in the room, more authentic engagement occurs.

But how do we create this safe space?

There are many factors (building authentic relationships is of course key), but what I’d like to focus on in this brief article is establishing group agreements.

Group agreements, sometimes referred to as group norms, other times as group expectations, and yet others (though less desirable as I write below) as group rules, aid in establishing a normative culture. This is a culture in which youth begin to develop a sense of respect, trust, and hopefully vulnerability. This type of normative culture is inherently therapeutic and benefits youth in either traditional classrooms or clinical groups. If done successfully (and this also heavily has do to with the youth in the groups, not just you as the facilitator establishing group agreements; i.e., cut yourself some slack if you try this and it doesn’t result in a highly trusting, cohesive group) there is the potential to offer the adolescents you work with a highly transformational experience. Consider for example, that in mainstream society right now we condition our young men to be anti-emotional (minus anger) and our young women to value superficial beauty over inner personal qualities. Creating a culture of trust and cohesiveness could work toward dismantling such conditioning. And again (sorry for the broken record but I repeat for emphasis), this could benefit youth in anything from a single gender therapy group to a mixed gender social studies class in a high school.

If you have the luxury, it’s best to presence these agreements in your first group meeting. I know for some of you in the classroom setting, that time may have already passed and in such cases it’s okay to presence agreements later in the school year, just expect some resistance (see article on resistance coming soon!). In the Mindfulness-Based Substance Abuse 12-Session Curriculum I co-developed for example, we spend the better part of the whole first session discussing group agreements. This leads to myself having the ability to leverage those agreements throughout the 12 sessions, which leads to a more trusting and cohesive group.

So, I’d like to offer four simple tips for establishing group agreements during the first meeting. This isn’t an exhaustive list, but rather a guide to get you started in developing your normative, trusting group environment.

1) Agreements Vs. Rules

As I alluded to above, I’m not a fan of the phrase “group rules.” When presenting agreements for the first time to a group I often ask, “What’s the difference between rules and agreements?” To which the youth reply in some version or another, “When you break a rule, you get punished.” “That’s right. And when you step outside the bounds of an agreement, it’s more like a conversation. Like, ‘I thought we agreed to this. Do you still agree?’” I’d reply.

Conceptualizing agreements in this way distinguishes your group from the status-quo; that when someone makes a mistake they are automatically punished in some form. This leads to differentiating your group from every other group the youth are used to and has the potential to lead to a feeling of safety.

2) Develop Agreements With Your Group

Second, it’s important to develop a list of agreements with your group rather than coming in with pre-formulated agreements developed only by you. It’s completely okay to come in with an idea of what you’d like the agreements to involve, however they should be general (respect, no violence, one mic’ etc.) as to leave room for youth input. When you empower youth by letting them develop agreements, they will take more ownership and practice them more closely. Some common agreements I discuss with youth are:

Respect (self and others)

One mic’ (not talking when someone is talking)

Skillful speech

Skillful listening

No violence

Group refocusing technique

You might add others such as no phones out during group or no swearing depending on our context. Just remember, come in with a loose set of ideas and come to some agreement with the youth in the group.

3) Actually Get Everyone to Agree

It’s very easy to come up with a list of group agreements and treat them more like group rules. The key to effective agreements is actual youth acknowledgement. This suggests the importance of having dialogue with the group about each agreement; i.e., rather than saying “okay, so we agree that respect is one of our agreements, right?” And then just getting the feint-hearted nod and moving on to the next agreement, actually engage in a dialogue with the group about what respect means to each individual. This will help aid in getting everyone’s voice in the room and contribute to you, the facilitator, working with youth who might have definitions of respect that don’t align with the normative culture you’re attempting to create (a post on working with definitions of respect will be coming soon!). You could easily have a discussion on defining respect or turn it into a writing assignment for the youth in your class.

4) Group Agreements Can Be Activated In Any Moment

The first group isn’t the only time you’ll talk about agreements, and it’s good practice to expect agreements to get broken and prepare for those conversations. In more chaotic situations (larger classes, lots of disruptiveness, etc.) you may need to activate the agreements in any or every group. It’s best to think of the agreements as a living organism that can be brought into awareness at any moment. That’s why I emphasize the group refocusing technique when I presence agreements for the first time because it’s a great way to reset rambunctious energy and bring the group to a calm state where they can be reminded of the agreements.

Group agreements lead to normative, therapeutic culture. This culture leads to trust, cohesion, and vulnerability. Of course, other factors like group size, mixed gender, etc. play a role in normative culture, but having a foundational way of “being” helps further along these processes.

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When I think about grief, words don’t really come to mind. What I do get is the visceral feeling of being too deep underwater. When I think of grief, I imagine the sudden stab of fear that accompanies a realisation that you’ve dived deeper than you first thought: your trapped breath like a weight in your chest, the glimmer of oxygen perpetually too many arm lengths away.

Grief is more than a feeling. It’s really an environment, a new condition to your life that you have to meet with your whole self. No amount of swimming against the current, or scrambling up the banks, will make it easier to navigate. Most importantly, it is not a puzzle you can think your way out of. It’s something more bodily than that, like the mammalian diving instinct. At first contact with water, an infant’s heart rate slows, oxygen moves more slowly, and the glottis spontaneously blocks access to the lungs, all before the conscious mind can react at all. Living with grief is an animal experience, and surviving it requires the action of a body that knows how to keep being when the mind couldn’t possibly go on. Your body knows how to keep you safe, not just before your conscious mind, but instead of it. You just have to be in it, and it has to be processed as a part of you.

The bad news is, no amount of time in rivers of grief will prepare you for a new one. The good news is, you didn’t drown then and you’re not drowning now. Your body is carrying you through the experience on instinct. Take a deep breath and listen to yourself from the toes up. Feelings are hard, inconvenient and unpredictable, but the less time you spend fighting your body’s messages, the more you can learn from them.

Survival is, in the end, a game of trust, and not of thought. You have to trust that you can survive your own emotions. You have to feel, even if it’s overwhelming. The most important thing to remember about the river of grief is you’re not surviving it wrong. It’s not taking too long. You’re not moving too quickly. The river you are in is just the river you are in, without moral resonance. Trust that you can cope with doing what you need.

It’s easier to think of grief as something of a redemption arc, starting with pain and ending with the well being you knew before. But mourning exists without narrative; it’s not something you can itemise in a eulogy. The river’s current will stick with you for longer than you expect, and you’ll emerge and re-emerge from the worst parts of it feeling as shocked by the ways you’ve stayed the same as you are by the way you’ve changed. Like a newborn in a swimming pool, trying to analyse your progress is only going to make the water feel heavier around you. Your body knows what it’s doing.

In the moments that you feel yourself entirely submerged, trust that your heart rate may slow, your throat may close and the pressure may build, but your body knows how to navigate this space, even if your mind does not. Every fibre of you is already working slowly and carefully to navigate this new emotional landscape, if you let it. That’s how survival happens—by gentle instinct, not by achievement or analysis. Take the time to be in your body, listen to every soft and hurting part of yourself whenever you feel the urge: beat to beat, without scrutiny, until you can resurface.

However you’re going, you’re going okay.

Jini Maxwell is a writer, comics artist and feelings enthusiast based in Melbourne. See more of her work at jinimaxwell.com.au. Illustration by the author.

- See more at: http://www.dumbofeather.com/the-river-of-grief-and-how-to-keep-being/#sthash.JQNJ0PsV.dpuf

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Recently a teenage boy in my community committed suicide. I immediately sat down to write the parents a sympathy note. I pulled out a monogrammed card, placed it on the desk in front of me, and proceeded to stare at it blankly for the next two hours.

Though I have been a professional writer for almost 30 years, I could think of absolutely nothing to say.

Offering a written expression of condolence (from the Latin word condolere, to grieve or to suffer with someone) used to be a staple of polite society. “A letter of condolence may be abrupt, badly constructed, ungrammatical — never mind,” advised the 1960 edition of Emily Post. “Grace of expression counts for nothing; sincerity alone is of value.”

But these days, as Facebooking, Snapchatting or simply ignoring friends has become fashionable, the rules of expressing sympathy have become muddied at best, and concealed in an onslaught of emoji at worst. “Sorry about Mom. Sad face, sad face, crying face, heart, heart, unicorn.”

One mark of this change is in the card industry. Just over two and a half million Americans die every year, according to the National Center for Health Statistics, and we buy 90 million sympathy cards annually, a spokeswoman for Hallmark said. But 90 percent of those cards are bought by people over 40.

For those who are inexperienced or out of practice in comforting someone in grief, what are some tips for mastering (or at least not humiliating yourself in) the lost art of condolence?

1. BEING TONGUE-TIED IS O.K. When I solicited advice from friends on social media, the one overwhelming thing I heard was it’s perfectly acceptable to admit you don’t know what to say. One rabbi said, “Admitting you’re at a loss for words is far more caring and helpful than writing pithy statements like ‘he’s in a better place’ or ‘your child was so perfect, God wanted her to sit beside him.’”

Chanel Reynolds’s 43-year-old husband was killed in a biking accident, leaving her a single mother of their 5-year-old son. Ms. Reynolds was so destabilized she started a website now called GYST.com, shorthand for the off-color version of “Get Your Stuff Together.” Her advice: “Zero platitudes. If you’re feeling the urge to panic-talk and fill the air with clichés, don’t.”

She singled out two expressions that particularly grated. The first was, “At least he died doing what he loved.”

“Getting hit and run over by a van was not his love,” she said. “Riding a bike was.”

The other expression, “At least you weren’t married for so long that you can’t live without him.”

“Thank God we were only married for nine years,” she said dryly. “Dodged a bullet there.”

2. SHARE A POSITIVE MEMORY Instead of falling back on a shopworn phrase, savvy condolers often share a warm or uplifting memory of the deceased.

Kevin Young is a poet and creative writing professor at Emory University whose father died more than a decade ago. He channeled his grief into words, first publishing an anthology of poems about mourning called “The Art of Losing” and later a collection of his own work on the subject called “Book of Hours.”

The condolence notes that moved him most, he said, were from strangers who shared a recollection of his father. “That was important for me because I realized his place in the world,” he said. “At the time, you’re only thinking of your own relation to the loved one. You realize this person had impact beyond you. That was comforting.”

3. NO COMPARISONS One bit of quicksand worth avoiding is the temptation to say you know what the other person is going through. Everyone experiences grief differently. While you may have felt angry or overwhelmed when your loved one died, the person you’re writing to may have channeled her grief into work or hyper-efficient house purging.

“The temptation is to bring it back to yourself, but this is not about you,” Ms. Reynolds said. “I heard things like, ‘I was at my friend’s house when I heard,’ ‘I couldn’t sleep all night long,’ ‘I cried so hard.’ Really? Because I think I’m sadder.” A better approach, she said, is to be neutral. “You can absolutely express your sadness and sorrow,” she said, “but remove yourself from the conversation.”

4. DON’T DODGE THE ‘D’ WORDS Death in our culture has become so sanitized, we have become afraid to mention it by name. While this instinct may come from a good place, it often lands in a bad one, the treacly territory of euphemism and happy talk. Loved ones don’t “die” anymore; they’re “carried away” or “resting peacefully.”

“When did people become so squeamish,” one friend griped. “All the euphemisms make my skin crawl.”

To avoid this tendency, consider following the lead of the police support website officer.com, which advises law enforcement officials doing death notification to use “simple, straightforward language.”

“Don’t’ be afraid to use the ‘D’ words — dead, died or death. Terms such as ‘expired,’ ‘passed on’ or ‘lost’ are words of denial. ‘Expired’ can be used on a driver’s license but not in person — it’s not respectful.”

5. GET REAL. By contrast, grievers hear so many vacuous phrases that a little straight talk can often be a welcome relief. A little bluntness goes a long way.

The food writer and editor Jane Lear has collected etiquette books for many years and studied how condolence notes have evolved. She prefers the model outlined by Millicent Fenwick in “Vogue’s Book of Etiquette,” published in 1948. First an expression of sympathy (“I was so sorry to hear...”). Second a word about the deceased. Finally an expression of comfort.

“This all makes perfect sense,” she said, “but I think my favorite note upon the death of my brother was from one of my closest friends. ‘My dear Jane,’ he wrote. ‘IT STINKS.’”

6. FACEBOOK IS NOT ENOUGH These days many people first learn of the death of a friend’s loved one via social media. The instinct to post a comment or dash off an email is understandable.

But everyone I spoke with agreed on one point: Even heartfelt gestures like these do not replace a condolence note. A stern reminder from Ms. Fenwick still seems apt: “A letter of condolence to a friend is one of the obligations of friendship.”

The current iteration of Emily Post, emilypost.com, agrees, saying that commenting in public forums or sending an email is an acceptable first gesture, as long as you follow “with a handwritten note and, whenever possible, attendance at the funeral or visitation.”

7. THERE’S NO TIME LIMIT ON SYMPATHY While writing immediately is comforting, it’s not necessary. Many mourners are overwhelmed in the immediate aftermath, and a number told me they especially appreciated cards that arrived weeks or even months after the death.

One friend told me, “I personally back off from doing anything right away and offer to take the griever out for lunch, coffee or dinner a month or so later when everyone has returned to their lives and the person is left alone to deal with the pieces.”

Ms. Reynolds said: “Even three or four months later, touching base can help. I would encourage people to send notes on the deceased’s birthday, on the couple’s anniversary, or some other meaningful occasion.”

Even with these tips, many people may still feel daunted with the pressure to come up with the right words. In that case, send someone else’s words. Mr. Young recommended three poems: “Clearances” by Seamus Heaney, “Funeral Blues” by W. H. Auden or “Infirm” by Gwendolyn Brooks.

Or, do something: Take the deceased’s pet for a walk, run an errand, offer to pick up a relative from the airport.

Or, fall back on what loving supporters have been doing for generations: Send food, even if it’s by mail. Citing his own experience, Mr. Young said: “Cookies are great. You’ve got to eat.”

Bruce Feiler’s new book, “The First Love Story: Adam, Eve, and Us,” will be published next year. Follow him on Twitter@brucefeiler.

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Lately, it seems like every other day, we turn on the news or open up our social media to find that another tragedy has occurred. Each time we’re faced with these events, we may be overcome with sadness, frustration, and hopelessness. But in these times, it’s important to have conversations with the children around us about inclusion and empathy.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It’s what helps us connect to other humans, and what makes us better humans. You may be surprised to learn that empathy isn’t an inborn trait, but rather one that must be learned – preferably during early childhood.

According to expert Michele Borba, author of Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World, empathy is not something that is taught through lecturing. Instead, it’s something that must be woven in all aspects of life on a regular basis. There is no way to exaggerate the importance of teaching children empathy – Borba explains that beyond being essential to forming healthy relationships, empathy affects nearly every area of our lives. She stresses that empathetic people are not only happier, but more successful and less violent.

There are many ways to instill empathy. One way to do this – beyond demonstrating empathy — is to read books that touch on the subject and spark a conversation about what it means to be empathetic. The following is a list of books to help you do just that.

Last Stop on Market Street by Matt de la Peña, illustrated by Christian Robinson

On their way to a soup kitchen after church, CJ’s grandma helps him see all of the beauty and vibrancy in the city, and why he doesn’t need to own a car, or an iPod. Though in the beginning he’s less than excited to be taking the bus to the soup kitchen, by the end he’s glad that they did. A wonderful story of patience, compassion, and giving back, this book also appears on our list of 16 books to celebrate inclusion.

Just Because by Amber Housey Part of the series Flip Side Stories, which aim to teach children to see another point of view, Just Because teaches children about the value of giving, being thankful, and having empathy for others.  

A Sick Day for Amos McGee by Philip C. Stead

A must read classic, this book tells the story of a zookeeper so kind and thoughtful that the day he has to stay home from work, all of his animal friends come visit. A sweet story that teaches kids the importance of kindness.

Stand In My Shoes by Bob Sornson After her sister explains what empathy means, Emily starts to notice how those around her feel. Throughout the book, she observes how people react to this and how it makes her feel as a result.

Tough Guys (Have Feelings Too) by Keith Negley

Few words and bold illustrations of superheroes with tears in their eyes remind kids that it’s okay for boys to express their emotions.

Sumi’s First Day of School Ever by Joung Un Kim and Soyung Pak Sumi, a young girl from Korea, isn’t so sure she’ll like going to school. Everything is scary and different, and the only English phrase she knows is “Hello, my name is Sumi.” With the help of an understanding teacher and a new friend, she’s able to see that school might not be so bad after all.

Amos and Boris by William Steig 

This is a story of an unlikely pair of friends, a whale and a mouse, who despite having nothing in common, love each other very much. Throughout the book, they show unwavering kindness towards one another, saving each other’s lives without expecting anything in return.

Tight Times by Barbara Shook Hazen A touching, realistic story of a little boy who really wants a dog but is told he can’t because times are tight. Not only does the book try to explain financial trouble, it also touches on emotions when the little boy is shocked to see his dad cry. In the end, he gets to keep a starving kitten that he found, even though times are still tight.

The Invisible Boy by Trudy Ludwig and illustrated by Patrice Barton 

Brian is a quiet boy goes by unnoticed by his classmates and often gets excluded from activities, until Justin, the new boy joins his class. This heartwarming story aims to inspire kids to think of the way kids like Brian may be feeling, and maybe prompt them to act like Justin next time they see someone being excluded.

Enemy Pie by Derek Munson In this humorous tale, a dad tells his son that the best way to get rid of his enemy, Jeremy Ross, is to give him enemy pie–which only works if you spend a whole day with your enemy. Unsurprisingly, by the end of the day, the two boys are great friends.

The Monster Who Lost His Mean by Tiffany Strelitz Haber and illustrated by Kristie Edmunds

With its adorable, bright illustrations and playful language, this book not only teaches children that being mean doesn’t benefit anyone, especially not themselves, but also that by being true to themselves, they’ll find their real friends.

Hey, Little Ant by Phillip M. Hoose and Hannah Hoose A boy is about to step on an ant when the ant asks him to show mercy and let him live. A conversation between the boy and the ant in which they each share their perspective ensues. At the end, the narrator leaves the reader with a question rather than an ending, what would you do?

The Sneetches by Dr. Seuss

Ed. note: In this classic tale, two dueling factions — sneetches with starbellies and sneetches without — go through a series of transformations and eventually become friends when they can no longer see the difference between each other. But what's clear to readers is that discrimination is just plain silly.

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After two years of research and more than 400 interviews about midlife, former NPR reporter Barb Bradley Hagerty received dozens of insights about how to live well in the middle years. We've distilled them here, with a little context. And, by the way, these ideas work well for people on both sides of the midlife divide.

1. Aim for long-term meaning rather than short-term happiness, and you will likely find both. Aristotle suggested as much when he talked about eudaemonia, or the good life: striving with a purpose — raising terrific children, training for a marathon — rather than setting your sights on immediate pleasures, such as enjoying a good meal or a day at the beach. It's also the best thing you can do for your mind and your health.

2. Choose what matters most. Clayton Christensen at Harvard Business School describes the eroding effect of short-term decisions — specifically, doing the activity that brings you immediate gratification (such as work) and putting off harder but ultimately more fulfilling activities (such as investing in your marriage and children). I talked with many people who privileged work over family because work brought immediate rewards. These people closed the sale, they shipped the product, they pulled an all-nighter to get the story on the radio, they were promoted and praised for a job well done. "And as a consequence," Christensen says, "people like you and me who plan to have a happy life — because our families truly are the deepest source of happiness — find that although that's what we want, the way we invest our time and energy and talents causes us to implement a strategy that we wouldn't at all plan to pursue."

3. Lean into fear, not boredom. Most of us become competent at our work by our 40s, and then we have a choice: Play it safe or take a risk. Howard Stevenson, also a professor (emeritus) at Harvard Business School, believes the greatest source of unhappiness in work is risk aversion — which leads to stagnation and resentment. "There's a difference between 20 years of experience, and one year of experience 20 times," he says. Stevenson and the other career experts I interviewed do not recommend chucking it all to blindly follow a fantasy. Rather, be intentional as you try to shape your work to reflect your skills, personality and talents. But we have only one spin at the wheel, so make it count. A great line from Stevenson: "Ask yourself regularly: How will I use these glorious days left to me for the best purpose?"

4. "At every stage of life, you should be a rookie at something." This insight comes from Chris Dionigi, a Ph.D. in "weed science" and the deputy director of the National Invasive Species Council (that kind of weed). He believes trying new things and failing keeps you robust. He took comedy improv classes and now spends many nights and weekends riding his bicycle as an auxiliary police officer for Arlington County, Va. Always have something new and challenging in your life, he says, "and if that something is of service to people and things you care about, you can lead an extraordinary life."

5. Add punctuation to your life. Young adulthood offers plenty of milestones: graduating from college, starting a career, getting married, having your first child. But Catharine Utzschneider, a professor at the Boston College Sports Leadership Center who trains elite middle-aged athletes, says midlife is like "a book without any structure, without sentences, periods, commas, paragraphs, chapters, with no punctuation. Goals force us to think deliberately." She was so right, as I found when Mike Adsit, a four-time cancer survivor and competitive cyclist, challenged me to compete in the Senior Games (for people 50 and older) in 2015. Suddenly I had little goals every day — a faster training session, or a 50-mile ride — and the prospect of these little victories launched me out of bed each morning. Even if you don't win — I came in seventh in the race — you win.

6. A few setbacks are just what the doctor ordered. Bad events seem to cluster in midlife — losing a spouse, a marriage, a parent, your job, your perfect health. But people with charmed lives — zero traumas — were unhappier and more easily distressed than people who had suffered a few negative events in their lifetime. According to resilience research, some setbacks give you perspective and help you bounce back. And here's what I learned from Karen Reivich at the University of Pennsylvania, who trains Army personnel about resilience. After I fell off my bike and broke my collarbone — threatening my book deadline — I called her up. She gave me two tricks: First, "OPM": Other people matter. People who let other people help them tend to recover better than those who are fiercely independent. Second, rely on your top character strengths to get you through. (You can take the character strengths test as well as other questionnaires on the University of Pennsylvania's website.) As embarrassing as my strengths are — industry and gratitude — they helped me cope until I could drive, type, dry my hair or unscrew the mayo jar.

7. Pay attention: Two of the biggest threats to a seasoned marriage are boredom and mutual neglect. The brain loves novelty, and love researchers say a sure way to revive a marriage on autopilot, at least temporarily, is to mix things up a bit. Go hiking, take a trip to an undiscovered land — or drive an RV down the Blue Ridge Parkway, which my husband and I did in June 2013. Honestly, I thought nothing could be more pointless or boring, but based on the novelty research, we piled in with our dog, Sandra Day, and two friends. Something went wrong almost every day — we got caught in a flood, the brakes nearly went out, we could not figure out how to dump the blackwater (don't ask) for some time. We had the time of our lives. It took us out of our comfort zone, it gave us a grand adventure; it was, in short, The Best Vacation Ever.

8. Happiness is love. Full stop. This observed wisdom comes from George Vaillant, a psychiatrist and researcher who directed Harvard's Study of Adult Development for several decades. The study — still ongoing — followed men from the Harvard classes of 1939-44 to see what makes people flourish over a lifetime. Vaillant found that the secret to a successful and happy life is not biology. It is not genes. It is not social privilege or education. It is not IQ or even family upbringing. The secret to thriving is warm relationships. Oh, then there's this happy coda: Second chances present themselves all the time, if you'll only keep your eyes open.

Barbara Bradley Hagerty is the author of Life Reimagined, and a former NPR reporter.

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1) The Loss of a Person We Once Knew Sometimes the people you love change in significant ways. They are still in your life—but not in the way you remember or once knew them. Illness often changes people, especially mental illness or dementia. In dementia, a person still is with us, but is not like the person we previously knew. The ties that bind us to one another, the shared memories and even the personality are no longer accessible. Sometimes the changes can be startling. The mother of one of my clients grew up in the segregated South. Yet her daughter was proud that her mom had been active in the civil rights movement, even though her mom lost friends and alienated family. Her mother would proudly tell the story of how, as an adolescent girl, she shamed her all-white church into integrating services. Yet, as her mom lapsed into dementia, she began using racial epithets. Her mother’s language not only shocked her daughter but also called into question her mom’s true beliefs. Was her mother really the progressive person she believed her to be? Other illnesses can create a similar sense of loss. A traumatic brain injury generally affects all levels of mental function. We may grieve people as they sink into mental illness, alcoholism or drug use. Positive changes can also engender grief, when a person becomes different from the individual we knew and loved. For Tristan, it was the religious conversion of his brother. He was initially delighted that his brother found some faith, even if it was more intense than his own beliefs. But Tristan soon found it difficult to relate to his born-again brother who no longer wanted to share a beer and was always witnessing to Tristan and his family. Similarly, Abigail was proud that her husband joined Alcoholics Anonymous after a long struggle with addiction that nearly ruined their marriage. Yet she misses the “people, places and things”—especially the pub-based dart club that was a shared activity—that her husband now avoids in order to remain sober. They celebrate New Year’s Eve at an alcohol-free party sponsored by his local AA chapter in a church basement. Abby is proud of her husband and supportive of his efforts at sobriety, even as she grieves aspects of her former life. 2) The Loss of a Person We Haven’t Yet Lost Anticipatory grief is a term that refers to the grief felt about someone with a life-limiting illness; friends, family and caregivers often experience it in anticipation of an eventual death. These losses are significant. The loss of health—even the prediction of loss—contained in a diagnosis can be a source of grief not just for the person diagnosed, but also for his or her loved ones. We lose our assumptive world. All our plans, thoughts, our sense of the future— even our sense of safety and security—are now challenged. The future we know is not the one we once imagined. For Craig, his wife’s diagnosis of pancreatic cancer dashed their retirement dreams of travel and possibly relocating to Tuscany. As any illness progresses, we continue to experience additional losses and grieve each one.

3) The Loss of the Person We Used to Be Waiting for the school bus with my grandchildren recently, on the second day of school, I heard a young neighbor complain to his mother that he went to kindergartenyesterday! His mom patiently explained that he would now go five days a week to kindergarten—instead of his two-day-a-week preschool. The boy looked at her with disappointment, tears in his eyes. This changes everything!he complained. It does. Everything changes as you age. Some changes you take in stride, but others affect you deeply. Consider the birth of a child. You may have anticipated this event for years and be overjoyed. But you also know life will be different now; over the next couple of decades, your own freedom will be limited—and for a shorter period, so will your sleep. Each transition in our lives—no matter how positive—has an undercurrent. The thrill of passing your driving test and earning your license held so much meaning, a mark both of accomplishment and maturity that promised new freedom and adventure. Now, imagine the pain and grief when, through age or disability, you are forced to surrender that license and all it has meant. Remember: Grief is not always about death, but it is always about attachment and separation. Often, people endure pervasive and intense distress without having faced the death of a loved one at all. Further, in these cases of unrecognized losses, our grief is often not recognized by others, either. But you can grieve the loss of anything, anywhere or anyone to whom you had become attached—no list could name all the possibilities. To deal with the sorrow, you may need to find confidants, counselors and support groups that can assist you. Above all, you need to have your grief acknowledged. Allowing yourself to understand the validity of your emotions is the only way to begin feeling better. You are not the only one to have mourned in these situations—and you are not alone.

This adapted excerpt was taken from Grief Is a Journey, byKenneth J. Doka, PhD. Dr. Doka is a professor of gerontology at the Graduate School of The College of New Rochelle and a senior consultant to the Hospice Foundation of America.

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This article is part of a series aimed at helping you navigate life’s opportunities and challenges. What else should they write about? Contact: smarterliving@nytimes.com.

Friendships are important throughout life, but especially so in the stage between school and marriage, when our friends often stand in for family. What do you do when you need to end a friendship that’s turned sour?

First, give it some serious thought. Once you initiate a breakup, there may be no turning back.

Depending on the type of friendship, a formal ending may not be necessary.

“There are typically four types of friendships: friends you have because of shared history; friends you’ve made due to forced togetherness; your surface social friends; and growth friends, meaning the people you want by your side as you go through life wherever you are,” said Melissa S. Cohen, a psychotherapist and relationship coach in Westfield, N.J. “Unless there has been a serious betrayal of trust, you can usually let all but your most important friendships fade away simply by spending less time with each other.”

If, however, your friend asks why you are not texting her or never available to get together, offer an explanation.

“Think about what you say and how you say it very carefully. It’s likely that your once-friend will never forget those words,” said Irene S. Levine, a psychologist and producer of TheFriendshipBlog.com. Then, talk to your friend in private.

“Don’t involve mutual friends. Remember that although you have been giving a lot of thought to the breakup, it might hit your friend without warning,” Dr. Levine said.

If you no longer have much in common or simply don’t enjoy your time together anymore, take responsibility for ending the friendship rather than blaming the other person.

“It’s O.K. to say, ‘I truly care about you and the relationship we’ve had, but I don’t have the bandwidth or time to devote to our friendship anymore,’ or ‘I can’t be the friend that you want me to be right now,’” Ms. Cohen said. “Even if you feel it’s your friend who is sucking you dry, or stuck in college partying mode, or not being considerate, you can compassionately and authentically say, ‘We don’t seem to share the same goals and perspectives.’”

That allows you both to be cordial if you see each other again, and leaves the door open to a reconciliation if circumstances change. “No matter what, it’s always important to be careful with other people’s feelings. That just makes you a good person,” Ms. Cohen added.

When a friend betrays you by, say, blabbing your secrets or being consistently cruel, you can and should stand up for yourself. And if this is not one of your closest friends, a breakup is most likely in order. The goal in these instances is to be honest and plainly explain why you can’t be friends with someone you don’t trust.

And have the conversation live — either in person or over the phone — because anything you write online could be shared or used against you in a way you may regret.

But when you have a major conflict with a best friend, these scenarios don’t apply. It’s ideal to have an open discussion about your feelings.

“For those friends, it’s worth it to try harder and give the person the benefit of the doubt because those relationships are rare,” Ms. Cohen said. “Be really honest about what’s going on.”

If after that, the relationship still feels unsustainable to you, let your friend go as gently as you can. “These relationships need to be mutually satisfying to both people,” Dr. Levine said.

Be clear that you wish your friend well but resist the urge to explain every detail of your thought process. “It isn’t necessarily kind and won’t necessarily provide the other person with closure. Your friend will still need to achieve that on her own,” Dr. Levine added.

And remember that friendship breakups can hurt just as much as romantic breakups, especially if you’ve been close with a friend for a long time.

And sadly, noted Dr. Levine, “when you break up with a boyfriend, you can turn to your best friends for support. When you break up with a best friend, you’ve lost the person who might be able to help you get over the loss.”

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How can a couple keep their sexual desire going strong for the long haul?

Be nice to each other.

New research shows one way to keep desire strong is to be responsive to your partner’s needs out of the bedroom.

People who are responsive do three things: They understand what their partner is really saying, validate what is important to their partner, such as his or her attitudes, goals and desires, and care for or express warmth and affection toward their partner.

“Responsiveness creates a deep feeling that someone really knows and understands you,” says Gurit Birnbaum, a social psychologist and associate professor of psychology at the Interdisciplinary Center (IDC), a private university in Herzliya, Israel, who is the lead researcher on the new studies. “It makes you feel unique and special, and that is very, very sexy.”

In the beginning of a relationship, neurotransmitters such as dopamine push the partners to have sex as much as possible. Scan the brain of someone in this early, passionate stage of love and it will look very much like the brain of someone on drugs.

The addiction doesn’t last. Research suggests the chemical phase of passionate love typically continues between one and three years. Desire fades for different reasons: the chemical addiction to a partner subsides; people age and hormones decrease; emotional distance can cause passion to drop.

The new research—by psychologists at the IDC, the University of Rochester, Bar-Ilan University, in Ramat Gan, Israel, and Cornell Tech in New York, published this month in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology—consists of three studies of more than 100 heterosexual couples each. In the first, partners rated each others’ responsiveness and their own feelings of desire after a back and forth in an online app, where one person described a recent experience and thought his or her partner was responding. It was really a researcher.

In the second study, researchers reviewed videotapes of couples as one partner told a positive or negative personal story and the other responded. Then they were told to express physical intimacy. Researchers coded the subjects’ responsiveness and their expressions of desire.

In the third study, couples were asked to keep a daily diary for six weeks, reporting on the quality of the relationship, how responsive each partner felt the other was, and their level of desire. The participants were also asked to rate whether they felt their partner was valuable that day—someone others would perceive as a good partner—and how special he or she made them feel.

The studies showed that both men and women who felt their partner was more responsive felt more sexual desire for their partner. But women were affected more than men when their partner was responsive, meaning their desire for their partner increased more. The researchers believe women’s sexual desire is more sensitive in general to the emotional atmosphere than men’s.

‘Research suggests the chemical phase of passionate love typically continues between one and three years.’

The new research contradicts a decades-old theory that psychologists call the Intimacy-Desire paradox, which proposes that desire drops as two people become more emotionally intimate. It purports that people seek intimacy in a relationship, but desire thrives on distance and uncertainty.

Dr. Birnbaum says that certain types of intimacy are better for your sex life than others. Impersonal intimacy—familiarity without an emotional component—does kill desire. Think of your partner shaving in front of you or leaving the bathroom door open. But emotional intimacy that makes the relationship feel unique can boost it.

Tips to boost desire in your relationship by being responsive:

Start now. It is better to prevent a decline in desire than to try to revive it when it is lost, Dr. Birnbaum says.

Listen without judging. Don’t interrupt. Don’t spend the time while your partner is speaking thinking about how you will respond. “Most people want to give advice,” says Dr. Birnbaum. “It’s not the same as being there as a warm and wise ear.”

Pay attention to details. Look for ways to show your understanding and support. Does your wife have a big interview coming up and need solitude to prepare? Take the children out to dinner. Is your husband’s team in the playoffs? Don’t ask him to clean the garage right now. Being responsive is often expressed by behaviors, not just words, Dr. Birnbaum says.

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It’s hard to see a child unhappy. Whether a child is crying over the death of a pet or the popping of a balloon, our instinct is to make it better, fast.

That’s where too many parents get it wrong, says the psychologist Susan David, author of the book “Emotional Agility.” Helping a child feel happy again may offer immediate relief for parent and child, but it doesn’t help a child in the long term.

“How children navigate their emotional world is critical to lifelong success,” she said.

Research shows that when teachers help preschoolers learn to manage their feelings in the classroom, those children become better problem solvers when faced with an emotional situation, and are better able to engage in learning tasks. In teenagers, “emotional intelligence,” or the ability to recognize and manage emotions, is associated with an increased ability to cope with stressful situations and greater self-esteem. Some research suggests that a lack of emotional intelligence can be used to predict symptoms of depression and anxiety.

Emotional skills, said Dr. David, are the bedrock of qualities like grit and resilience. But instead of allowing a child to fully experience a negative emotion, parents often respond with what Dr. David describes as emotional helicoptering.

“We step into the child’s emotional space,” she said, with our platitudes, advice and ideas. Many common parental strategies, like minimizing either the emotion or the underlying problem or rushing to the rescue, fail to help a child learn how to help herself.

Dr. David offers four practical steps for helping a child go through, rather than around, a negative emotion and emerge ready to keep going — feel it, show it, label it, watch it go.

Feel It. While it may seem obvious to feel emotions, many families focus on pushing away negative emotions. “When we’re saying ‘don’t be sad, don’t be angry, don’t be jealous, don’t be selfish,’ we’re not coming to the child in the reality of her emotion,” she said. “Validate and see your child as a sentient person who has her own emotional world.”

Show It. Similarly, many families have what Dr. David calls “display rules” around emotions — there are those it is acceptable to show, and those that must be hidden. “We see expressions like ‘boys don’t cry’ and ‘we don’t do anger here,’ or ‘brush it off,’” she said. “We do it with very good intentions, but we are teaching that emotions are to be feared.”

Label It. Labeling emotions, Dr. David said, is a critical skill set for children.

“We need to learn to recognize stress versus anger or disappointment,” she said. Even very young children can consider whether they’re mad or sad, or angry or anxious or scared. “Labeling emotions is also at the core of our ability to empathize. Ask ‘How do you think so-and-so is feeling? What does their face tell you?’”

As children get older, she adds, we can talk more about emotional complexities. “We can be simultaneously excited and anxious and frustrated, and we also need to learn to recognize that in other people,” she said.

Watch It Go. Even the hardest emotions don’t last forever. Dr. David suggests helping your child to notice that. “Sadness, anger, frustration — these things have value, but they also pass. They’re transient, and we are bigger than they are. Say, ‘This is what sadness feels like. This is what it feels like after it passes. This is what I did that helped it pass.’”

We can also help children to remember that we don’t necessarily feel the same emotion every time we have a similar experience. The high dive is scariest the first time. We might feel a lot of anxiety at one party, or in one science class, but have a different experience the next time.

“We’re very good, as humans, at creating these stories around emotions,” Dr. David said. “‘I’m not good at making friends. I can’t do math.’ Those are feelings and fears, not fixed states. People and things change.”

Finally, she said, help your child plan for experiencing the emotion again. “Ask, ‘Who do you want to be in this situation?’” she said. “What’s important to you about this?” Children feel stronger as they begin to learn that it’s not how they feel, but how they respond to the feeling, that counts.

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In our overly connected society, we may often confuse connectivity with connection — human connection that is. Commenting, texting, reposting and retweeting have become substitutes for communication, and we often erroneously use these to gauge the status of a relationship. That can be dangerous, because the truth is so much gets overlooked when scrolling through our feeds. Sometimes it’s either way too apparent that a friend has depression or anxiety and we are quick to catalogue them as “dark.” Other times, our friends become experts at curating their lives to showcase a surreal perfection, and it can be way too easy for us to believe they are alright.

So, you notice your friend is feeling the blues, the reds and every color in between. What can you do if you suspect a close friend may be experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety?

What Not to Say

Disclaimer: I am no expert! I can only speak from experience and cannot possibly put into words how painful each of the following statements can be:

1. “You’re being negative” and the equally frustrating “Think positive.” Most people with depression know they are being negative, they know it because they feel negativity in the soreness of their muscles every single day. And by definition, people who have anxiety think only in terms of negative outcomes. So, while these statements are true and would seem helpful, they only serve to salt an open wound. It’s a reminder of just how broken they feel.

2. “What you need to do is get out more.” Again, there is so much truth to this simple statement. The problem is that when you’re inclined to visualize catastrophic endings as if they were prophecies, the prospect of “getting out there” is terrifying.

3. “But you have everything.” Material possessions, apparent success, intelligence, beauty… none of these account for having a real mental illness. Reminding someone of everything they have will only sound like you are accusing them of being ungrateful, which leads to shame and guilt; a combination which yields unfavorable results.

4. “Mind over matter.” First of all, it’s too cliché to ever say this aloud, so stop it. Secondly, this phrase derives from the premise that the mind in question is working properly. In the case of someone who has anxiety or depression, the mind is the very thing causing the physical pain, lethargy, panic attacks, etc. Until they’ve learned to outthink their own thoughts, there is no way they can apply this advice.

5. “That’s just your depression talking.” Have you ever accused a woman of being angry because she might be on her period? If you’re wrong, it’s insulting; if you’re right it’s insensitive. Regardless, it’s never received well. It’s true people who have depression and anxiety can misconstrue, misquote and exaggerate. Oftentimes, their arguments are completely one-sided; it’s part of the problem. That doesn’t make their pain any less palpable, their anger any less valid, or their sadness any less real.

What Can You Do It may often feel like navigating a minefield, but there is plenty you can do which will be appreciated (most of the time).

1. Recognize their symptoms. We can often see changes in people before they become aware of it themselves. Once the pang of being blown off wears off, start keeping tabs on your friend. When they seek professional help you can compare notes.

2. Do not criticize their decision to accept or refuse treatment. Recognize that every person owns their body and the right pursue a course of therapy or treatment that is different from what you would choose.

3. Switch it up. You may be used to staying out late and drinking with your friend, but her needs may have changed. Think of relaxing activities that do not include caffeine or alcohol; these can be harmful to those who have anxiety and depression. Invite them to exercise with you. Real talk, they may decline every single time; but, one day, they may say yes and it will mean everything in the world you invited them.

4. Reach out IRL. Don’t think that replying to a text with three heart emoji is offering help. Insist. True, the person will be rude, negative and may even offend you. Try to forgive them and give them credit for all the times they were better. I always appreciate when friends leave voice notes if I reject their calls. They don’t know I replay them over and over when I need to hear them.

5. Cut them some slack. They know how much of a drag they can be. They realize they make snappy comments they can never take back. They are in physical pain or fear every day of their lives. They are fully aware of how rude and neglectful they can be. Still, there is no guilt trip you can give them they haven’t already given themselves. So, just cut them some slack.

It’s so illogical that in our overly connected society we so often confuse connectivity with connection. Resist the tendency to disconnect from someone you suspect is feeling blue. Rather, fight to stay connected through any and every means necessary. Know that the extent of their recovery will greatly depend on each of these connections.

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EMDR works.

(3/5) “Trauma causes the brain to malfunction. During a traumatic experience, memories cannot be processed correctly. So a person with PTSD is still carrying those traumatic experiences around in their body. Because those experiences were never filed away into the ‘past tense,’ the brain continues to operate as if the trauma is happening in the ‘present tense.’ It’s like a computer with a program that’s running constantly in the background. The idle is way too high. And it’s an exhausting way to live. So those memories need to be revisited and processed. And we have an amazing way of doing that. It’s called EMDR. I won’t explain it here, but it works. It takes away symptoms. It won’t turn you into a yogi who sits on the beach. But it will take away panic attacks. It will take away insomnia. And it will take away suicidal idealizations. We aren’t changing anyone. But we are getting people back to their best self.”

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Gerard Ilaria is the head clinician at Headstrong Project. He has provided one-on-one treatment for most of the veterans featured in this series. Many of those veterans credit him with saving their life. For the rest of the day, we are holding a fundraiser to help Gerard and Headstrong in their mission to heal veterans with PTSD. The organization’s budget last year was only $750,000, so a small donation can go a long way. Together we can significantly magnify Gerard’s impact: http://bit.ly/2bQe8cR

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Fun Psychology facts here!

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Watch: Liberal Redneck shows what it really means to support the troops with #22PushUpChallenge video.