lawwruhhh

[lawwruhhh]

Choices. I don’t have a choice in having clinical depression or my anxiety. I don’t have a choice in how and what the day brings. I didn’t have a choice in the current events that have happened in my life and in the lives of my loved ones. And as my sister says, I have tools to make life easier, bearable, and happier. God. Church. The Bible, prayer and worship. Loved ones. My doctors. My friends. Medication. They’re all tools, you see. But what good are these tools, if I don’t implement them in my daily life. It’s a choice. I CHOOSE to use these tools. I CHOOSE to be a victor and not the victim. I CHOOSE to fight everyday for my happiness, despite my illness. I cannot choose how I feel, but I can CHOOSE to make the best of it. I CHOOSE to be a light unto this dark world and I CHOOSE to speak up for those who are afraid to talk about it because of the stigma society has set on mental illnesses. I CHOOSE to surrender myself to God and let him take control. I CHOOSE to not let my illness, my weight, what others say, what even my own crazy, unrealistic thoughts sometime conjure up, define who I am. I CHOOSE to define myself by what God says I am. And he says that I am loved unconditionally, that I was made perfect in his image, that he has a plans that will prosper me, and not harm me, plans that give me hope and a future. {Jeremiah 29:11} That is who I CHOOSE to be.

[lawwruhhh]

The moment I knew I was in love: we were driving to church and Get Low by Lil Jon came on. And errrrrbody knows I like to get CrUnK in the car, and I knew it'd just be a matter of time until I found my match. Little did I know, it'd be you. As I looked to my left, I saw you. You were also getting CrUNK, and that's when I knew I was in love with you, Jamboree. Happy Six Months, sunshine. I love you! #ily #onlysixmonths #itfeelslikeforever #mysillygoose #bff #jamsthebest #engagedtobeengaged #the13th

[lawwruhhh]

This Is What Cutting Feels Like

Imagine you’re a coke bottle. Instead of soda, you’re filled with negative, nasty emotions, feelings, lies, and so on and so forth. You’re pretty much on the edge, just kind of waiting for what’s going to tip you over. It happens. You’ve been tipped over and now all the pressure inside you is building and building up. The bottle can’t contain all the pressure so it blows the top and you cut. You release all that pressure built up inside you of negative, nasty things. The euphoria given to you by cutting is like none other. You feel a release and the pressure is gone; That is what cutting feels like.

[lawwruhhh]

This has been one hell of a year. It will be one year on the 30th since my initial episode that really pushed me to get the help I needed. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I wasn't sure I was going to survive, but here I am, by the grace of God! It's a battle everyday, and to know that there are people like @jamietworkowski gives me comfort because I know I'm not alone. A special thanks to all the people who have been there, especially at my lowest, you will never know how much you're loved.

[lawwruhhh]

Look into my eyes

Look into my eyes so you know what it's like to live a life not knowing what a normal life's like.

[lawwruhhh]

I am victorious. Everyday is a battle within myself and every night is a victory, because I survived.

[lawwruhhh]

Your weight, your scars, and your past do not define you. I cannot emphasize enough how if you hold on and push through the tough times – be it an eating disorder, self-harm, depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts – it will get better. My whole life revolves around writing – lyrics, music, stories, articles – and I can’t even begin to put into words the self-hate I have felt over the years. I thought that nothing would change, but I was wrong.“

Kathleen Parrish, “Breaking Through the Darkness” (via twloha)

YESSSSS

[lawwruhhh]

The grass isn't greener on the other side.

I’ve always been over-analytical, since I can remember, and linking it to something finally made me feel sane. Well, somewhat sane. Ha. Let me give you a little bit of my history. Recently, like almost a year ago recently, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Ahhh yes, this explains why I’ve been so extremely down. Why I had absolutely no motivation to live. And why cutting felt so good because it was the only feeling I could feel. My kind of depression is known as clinical depression. Basically my brain creates chemical A and chemical B and there should be an equal balance between the two. Well clinical depression is caused when too much of chemical B is produced, throws off the balance, and allows me to become extremely sad, and also allows me to become feeling very anxious. Now, until recently, I had been just really wishing to have circumstantial depression. That way I would have a reason to feel the way I do. Because baby, when you have clinical depression nothing makes sense. And nothing but the good lord will make you feel better. It is one of the most frustrating feelings not knowing why in the hell you’re so damn sad because the big picture says your life is pretty damn great. Get why I would rather have circumstantial depression? I thought about it some more. And was that really what I wanted? Did I want something in my life to be bad in order to justify the way I felt?! Uhhhh no!!! I realized how selfish that was and how warped my thinking had been. It was a beautiful “ah-ha!” moment and I’m so grateful for it. So it just goes to show you, that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. (: