keepingmymindpreoccupied

[keepingmymindpreoccupied]

06022k19;

So I’ve been wanting to mention this for a while, since before tour actually, just as a friendly ‘annual reminder’ but I haven’t had a good window to do so, but now here it is.

I love and appreciate you immensely Ada Cruz. Our friendship is one that can flourish without having to say it, but it’s something that should never not be said. You’ve been a stronghold in my life for the past two years; not the most difficult time for me, but it’s had it’s moments. Like I said in the note I wrote you guys after last tour, coming home never truly felt like home until I got to see you and Mina. That goes hand-in-hand with what I mentioned earlier about keeping the depression at bay. You are honestly one of the best things I have in my life, and you don’t even have to try to be that.

With Phil having moved, the distance that’s grown in the relationship I have with Kj, and my stubbornness in creating new relationships, I don’t have much to fall back on. But I do have you. And that encompasses so much more than it may seem.

I hope you can understand and feel how important you are to me and how grateful I am that you’re someone who goes out of your way to make certain it stays as such. It’s been a while since I’ve had someone whose filled the niche that you have, and it’s been even longer since I’ve felt the love that I feel from you. Thank you for everything that you are, everything that you have been, and everything that you strive to be for me.

[keepingmymindpreoccupied]

08142k18;

Hi. I just got home. I started a message like three minutes ago but I got teary-eyed for some reason and I don’t really know why, but I think it’s your fault. I didn’t even listen to The Night We Met, so damn, what the hell..

I don’t know how you’ve done it Kara, but you got me feeling some type of way. Maybe it’s me in this moment, but homie I swear, I already miss you, and honestly it doesn’t really make that much sense if you think about it: I’ve only known you thirty days, seen you four times in my life, yet somehow have spent something near 180 hours (nine days) with you.. but like, I ALREADY miss your presence. And maybe that’s me just anticipating what’s to come (aka the absence of my homegirl in my life) which is okay because, yknow, that’s supposed to be the natural order of things.. I honestly kept myself at a reasonable distance because I know your trajectory in life doesn’t necessarily include me, and if it does it’s not as big a part as 1. I’d like to be, and 2. You’d deserve, yet it’s still something I have to come to terms with and am learning how to accept on the daily.

In a way, I kind of view our friendship as a ‘summer fling’, even though I’m sure you don’t agree, but for me it’s legitimately the closest I’ve allowed someone into my life and therefore is a kind of learning process into reintegrating into the dating world (though I’m fully aware our conversations are NOWHERE near that which would be traditionally labeled as ‘dating).

I’m not entirely sure where I’m going with this, nor why it’s so long, but I guess this is me trying to express in my trivial, yet overly endearing way, that I appreciate you, and frankly love that you’re a part of my life. You’ve already read in my letter how I feel and what you mean to me, and I know that’s me kind of jumping to conclusions and being a bit dramatic, but that’s how I feel and I’m sticking to it.

You’re sweet, you’re lovely, you’re great, you’re awesome, you’re amazing, you’re every positive adjective that exists in this world and I’m so so so ridiculously thankful that I’ve gotten to experience your presence in my life, no matter how hard it is to watch you potentially move on. Maybe you’ll learn, if you stick around long enough (so it won’t sound so weird), that I do love you and I love that you’ve taken up a niche in my last thirty days.

Thank you for being you and allowing me to get to know you. PLEASE get up to Arizona safely. GOOD MORNING, broski(:

[keepingmymindpreoccupied]

[keepingmymindpreoccupied]

07132k16;

Had a conversation with some ladies at work today and found out it was their first time in San Diego. When I asked them what they did for the day, they told me they took the ferry to Coronado and spent the day there. I told them the story of how I took you there for our first (and consequently only) anniversary. Even after almost four years, I still remember that night so vividly. I'd planned to take you to Peohe's, some extremely fancy, ridiculously overpriced, beautiful bay front view restaurant that I didn't really have money for but was willing to spend anyways. Once we landed I suggested we go there but you and your sudden lack of indecision, said without hesitation, 'that place? No, let's go to the village pizzeria instead'. I had the fattest calzone and a fatter wallet because of that. It's been almost four years and I still remember that night so vividly.

[keepingmymindpreoccupied]

02102k16;

I'm sorry that I've failed you as your older brother. I wasn't always there for you when we were growing up, and even now, when I know that we need each other more than ever (mostly because we're all that we have in this broken family of ours), I still don't always put you first. Maybe some of that has to do with how I perceive your perception of me to be; maybe it's cause it can be difficult for us to relate when it comes to our interests; maybe it's the age gap that increases the divide, especially with our generations being so drastically different. It's unfair to us that we had to grow up so fast--that our pocket eights didn't put the chips in our favor when the nut flush came on the river. You, most of all, drew the short stick. From the family you came from growing up, from the plenty of opportunities that were at your disposal, from the promise that 'a family that prays together, stays together', to a detachment from those you knew once cared for you but now know push you away, to the single path rather than the forks in the road, to the broken promises from a family divided. You deserve so much better than what you've been given; you've earned so much more than what's been provided; you can be so much more than you limit yourself to be. I'm sorry that it's so hard for me to say I love you. I'm sorry that for the last four years, you've been counting down the days until today, and all I could give you was three hours of my day and an apology that it couldn't have been more.

[keepingmymindpreoccupied]

[keepingmymindpreoccupied]

I'm doing it again. I'm constantly thinking of how to close myself off, how to avoid interactions and speak minimally. I haven't felt the desire to recluse in years, not since I was a sophomore in high school six years ago. I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to not speak to these people and cut myself out of their lives. I want to be the nothing I feel I am.