justcandidlife

[justcandidlife]

a little life

never would i’ve thought that i would end up writing about how a book has affected me before i’ve even finished it, but as stone cold as i try to present myself - i’m human, and there’s only so much a human can bear. 

i could stay here and try to sympathize with what jude is feeling but there comes to a point where less and less people on this planet can relate to what he’s been through. 

i read the warning at the beginning, i knew how bad it would be, how downhill my already fragile mind could go and, still, i went for it, fearlessly and confident that i was strong enough. 

i’m halfway through it and my entire body has never felt so affected by a piece of fiction. because although i know it’s fiction, it can very well not be. this could be someone’ story, this could be a stranger’ story, this could be my friend’ story. 

it’s physically painful to read, but i force myself to continue, maybe they’ll be a happy ending once i turn the page, i keep going until my eyes are so swollen from crying that i can no longer read the words in front of me. even so, i turn the page in one last effort as tears keep escaping my almost closed eyes and i shut them, reading jude’s unfortunate life continue. 

his adult life is spent listening to people say, disagreeing with him, his life is worth it, he’s worth it but be constantly proven right every time he’s pushed, punched, beaten down. you see this young man surrounded by people that love him, that care deeply about him, believe the words of someone that doesn’t matter and will never matter, but to jude these people finally proved all his thoughts and beliefs were right. jude who thinks he deserves every bad thing that happens to him, jude who will never take his friends for granted and counts the days until they get tired of him and leave, who no matter how broken, how helpless he is won’t ask for his friends’ help unless he has already crashed and is burning. 

how heartbreaking it is to read him finally opening up to someone new and read the relationship going step by step into something so wrong and then there’s a push and the entire house falls down. 

and what do you do when you see the owner of the house build it up again but it isn’t the same and he won’t allow anyone else near it again afraid it’ll break again? what do you do when he believes he deserved the storm that ripped him off his home, of the place that granted him a sense of safety un-obtained by anything else on the planet?

jude is and i think it’ll always be one of the most complex character i’ve read. he represents a past many thank god they never had to go through. he shows how it can haunt you for life no matter the people around. i want to hug him and tell him everything is okay, tell him he’s loved by people that’ll never turn their back on him, tell him he didn’t deserve all the things done to him and that it wasn’t his fault.

i really wish jude would believe me. i really do.

also, fuck you caleb.

[justcandidlife]

run - joji

she was a free spirit, they said. one of those that you couldn’t contain, and if you did, it wouldn’t last long. people wondered if she had joined the world like that or the chains put on her made her so.

she was the type to burn down bridges and let you drown, she was fierce and ruthless. but kind and warm. she was the type to look at you and take your breath away. but she too could give you the kiss of life.

she was tar and dust, the smell of gasoline and the desert. she was the horse that ran and never came back. untamable and fast.

too intense, too unique for you to not look twice. taking your hand, together you danced until the sun rose in the mountains and as fast as she took it, she dropped it. she ran the other way, chasing the moon to dance in every town until the sun rose again. you ran too but she’s fast, faster than any creature you’ve met.

like a bullet ripping through flesh, she ripped through space and you fall to your knees. a piece of you ripped from your chest. blood on your lips, she looks back.

you feel empty. she smiles.

she was ruthless, she was merciless, she was life and death, she was heaven and hell, she was sin, she was a thief.

as she held your heart in her hand, you smiled back.

you let her go, knowing no one would ever make you feel the way she did.

[justcandidlife]

07.03.2018

We’re two kids in love We wanna hold hands And kiss when the moon is up But someone broke your heart So deeply so much I can’t fix it I feel like I’m not enough Keep telling I’m gonna get hurt And for once  I took your word From far away  I hear you say You wish it wasn’t this way Considering if I did the right thing I tell you it was for the better Because broken and healing Overcomes sorrow and sinking We’re two kids in love We wanna hold hands And kiss when the moon is up But I’ve cried too many times For you to ignore the signs Can’t promise me what I wish for But you’re too weak to let me go My heart breaks by telling you this That I can’t take it anymore You nod your head once and twice  Just so that I’m sure We’re two kids in love We suffer for more And wish to someone above To do something we don’t have the strength to anymore

[justcandidlife]

07.03.2018 PT.2

We sit next to each other

In your eyes I see pain

In mine you see lost hope

Stopping myself from holding your hand

Prohibiting myself from feeling more

We look ahead

Froze my face

But the tears want to come out

So I look the other way

In my heart I get punched

I take a hit to the floor

Every time I think of you

Wanna see that smile again

Feel those hugs

Hear those words

But I’ll just be fooling myself even longer

The white wall is my friend

I gaze at it to stand

Not being able to scream

Scream how much you matter to me

And hear back that you feel the same

Long months are in front of us

And I feel like I’m gonna break

Fall down and won’t breath

How it hurts to even consider

Giving you up completely

But next time you stare at me

I want you to know you’ve lost

And I’m not as dead as you see

While deep down I’ld be coming back to you

If you told me you’d be there for me like I’m for you