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You are all I want You are all I need Every breath I take is a breath to say I am yours now Forever

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Photograph by David Howells

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“Who are you lookin’ for? Adorable little me?” Meet this southern pudu fawn — the world’s smallest deer species — born May 12 at the Queens Zoo in New York. 

(Photo by Julie Larsen Maher, AP)

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But Lewis makes the startling statement that being in love does not last, nor is it intended to last. 'Being in love is a good thing...it is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling...no feeling can be relied on to last its full intensity...feelings come and go.' He explains that the 'state of being in love' involves a kind of intensity and excitement that, if it persisted, would interfere with sleep, work, and appetite. The intense feeling of being in love ought to change to a deeper, more comfortable and mature kind of love based on the will as well as on feeling. Lewis explains that 'ceasing to be 'in love' need not mean ceasing to love...Love in this second sense--love as distinct from 'being in love' --is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit...' Lewis asserts that being in love brings people together and and motivates them to promise fidelity; the quieter, deeper, more mature love helps them keep their promise.

"The Question of God" - Dr. Armand M. Nicholi, Jr. Not understanding this sooner cost me a love. If that love will return is up to God now, but I have learned.

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Got home and got to experience the pleasure of opening up the packages from Amazon carrying purchased books that I am overtly eager to read, and then this stopped me in my tracks and God spoke to me. This book is fine, a few superficial imperfections and minor markings. I still love it and it still functions exactly as it was meant to. Still it bares this mark on it, this judgment, "damage noted"; as if its less than a book, as if its not worth as much. This is how we feel sometimes. This is how our world, our society, our culture, our past makes us feel. We carry this mark in our hearts, even if no one points it out, we remind ourselves that its there. God does not see us this way though. God traded heaven for us. He calls us His masterpiece (Eph 2:10). He longs for us. He doesn't care about our past, our scars, our failures; He's completely, madly, head over heels in love with us. He takes that weight, " Damage Noted", and He erases it, and He says we are perfect and beautiful just as we are, just as He created us. That's a different world to live in. That's a new life. That's love. That's grace, kindness, mercy, forgiveness, acceptance. That's love. My prayer for you is that you get to experience that love in your life as I am experiencing it in mine.

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A Lovely Saturday: Pancakes, Death, and Relegation

As I sat in my booth at the Short Hills diner with 3 golden, fluffy pancakes, 2 sunny-side up eggs, and 4 turkey sausage links in front of me, the TV mounted on the wall broadcasted English football (soccer) and a series of thoughts commingled and flowed through the streams of my consciousness convoluting to produce the theme of the message I now hope to convey. I begin with an explanation of English football…

           In American sports, at the end of the season after an unsuccessful campaign, professional teams head into the offseason by temporarily mourning their failures only to quickly brush the feeling aside and focus, instead, on what lies ahead: the dawn of a new season, organizational changes, and another shot at glory. In English football, it is somewhat the same, but with a twist. Overseas, when a team does so poorly that they end up in the bottom 3 of the standings, they are relegated and lowered into the second-tier division where they must scrap to win and hope that at the end of the next season they will be able to elevate themselves back into the premier league by finishing in the top 3 of this lower division. Make sense? Why is this a big deal? Well, this is a bit of football nerd-talk and not really essential to understanding my message, but it is good background. With a spot in the premier league come better sponsors, more television appearances, more fans in the stands, and ultimately, more money. Now that you understand that, I can explain the extraordinary phenomenon that takes place the final weekend of the season in English football. For the best teams, this is kind of inconsequential because they are rarely in the bottom of the standings. For them, much like the best American teams, any season in which they do not win a championship is a disappointment. For the average, or less than average teams, however, whether you are near the top of the pack, the middle, or near the bottom, as long as you are not in that bottom 3, you are celebrating! While this celebration doesn’t include confetti, parades, new hats and t-shirts, or trophies, it does include plenty of smiles, cheers, hugs, hand-claps, and relief. As an American, you turn on the TV and see a team with a terrible record celebrating after their last game and you just think, “What the heck?!?! These guys stink, what do they have to celebrate? Why are their fans cheering for them?” The answer is simple; they’re not being relegated, they’re blessed to continue to compete in the best league. I wondered to myself if there was ever a time in my past where I could relate to this uniquely un-American experience. As I dug, one instance came to mind, only it had nothing to do with sports, instead, it had to do with an old lady whose last moment left an impact etched into my memory forever.

           She was my best friend’s grandma. When I met her she was still quite the spark plug despite her many, many years. She would bend over and touch the floor to show you she was still elastic and flexible, regardless of what her appearance might lead you to believe. She was energetic, funny, full of life, and she loved the Lord. Eventually, her health did start to deteriorate and the passage of time began to take its toll. She had a stroke which left her unable to speak. I didn’t see her as much anymore because she didn’t get around very often, and when she did, she just sat in a chair, her eyes moving and following the activities in front of her, while her body and the rest of her face remained significantly lifeless and still. Eventually, she passed. Of course, as when anyone passes, it’s sad. That person’s spirit is no longer here. Their presence amongst the living, in relation to our living selves, ceases to exist. While we all knew she had gone to a better place, this only offered little comfort to the fact that a person who once was, no longer continued to be. It hit my best friend pretty hard. And so, there was a funeral. I remember attending, while I don’t remember a lot; I do remember the funeral home had a similar appearance to a hotel lobby. Before the service, I sat in a big chair with my friend and a few others, watching the people coming by before eventually being led into a large conference room with rows of seats and a stage for the speakers. It started out like any funeral would, people spoke and cried and it was all very sad. Some pastors were there from her church. I believe it was her daughter, when she went up to speak asked that everyone would join in singing a song in praise of God, because that’s what her mother loved to do, was sing and praise God. We did. We began to sing and suddenly, the more we sang, it started to get livelier. As I looked around I remember some tears still flowed, but saddened faces decorated with frowns shifted toward smiles. People started clapping, dancing, jumping around, praising God and celebrating this woman’s life, who in death was leading us into worshipping God no matter the situation, even at her funeral. It was a spectacle I will never forget. How could I? It was one of those lessons you know you need to carry with you for as long as you live, for in it lie the fundamentals that reveal some of the secrets to truly successful living.

           Do we celebrate our losses? How could we? Our culture, our society, this idea of survival of the fittest, it all seems to lead us to the idea that winners win and losers lose. The reality, however, is much different. Our ideas of winning and losing are thwarted and perverse. I say that we do not lose when we lose, only when we fail to learn, only when we fail to try again. And sometimes, when we win, there’s so much we lose along the way. Society doesn’t want you to fail, because in reality, it doesn’t even want you to try. Failure makes one stronger. Failure reveals weakness and it is that revelation which pushes us to improve. I, for one, am of the belief that each of us is born with a dream. Perhaps, the dream is dormant until something helps us excavate it from our souls. It is present within us, though, at some point. Doubt is also present. Fear, disbelief, lack of confidence, shyness, insecurity; all of these becomes obstacles barricading us from that dream. It’s hard to push through those obstacles, it’s so much easier to just float and let the current drag us wherever it may. “We’ll find a way to be happy”, we tell ourselves. We find solace in our comfort because, “at least here there is no pain, at least here we are safe”. And as we say that the light inside of us slowly dims. What once as a child or a youth was a burning flame becomes a match-light and then a slowly pulsing flicker barely holding on. And all that we could have been, and all that life called us to be vanishes as a sacrifice at the altar of comfort and fear.

           What will you do? Will you quietly and gracefully allow life to relegate you, or will you celebrate, despite being at the bottom, celebrate that you get to continue fighting? Will you cheer that tomorrow is another day to attempt, and to fail again? Will you live your life in such a way that even in your death, your example will cause others to celebrate the way in which you lived! Rather than mourn and shake their head at what could have been, they must look within themselves and ask, “Am I living like he/she did?” It doesn’t matter what your dream is. It doesn’t matter where in this journey you find yourself. Tomorrow doesn’t exist. Yesterday doesn’t exist. The only thing that exists is today. Did you fail today? If so, congratulations! Keep on failing. Once you have compiled enough losses, YOU WILL trade those in for a victory, and not just any victory, but the victory you’ve been losing for all this time. How wonderful! What a celebration that will be, but it all starts with today.

2 Corinthians 13:4

“Although He was crucified in weakness, he now lives by the power of God. We, too, are weak, just as Christ was, but when we deal with you we will be alive with Him and will have God’s power.”

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I don’t know why but this is really cool. It looks to me like a Ninja Jesus. 

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“Nar Wars” by Austin Frankel

Happy birthday to George Lucas - may the force be with you!

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CHANGE

CHANGE is the name of my demo album. At the moment the release is TBD as there is still plenty of work to be done and the project is currently paused. It’s a waiting game and it’s helping me practice patience. I am 100% confident that everything is happening according to God’s will and in His timing. When it comes out, it will be at the adequate time. It is hard to listen to these songs, though, over and over again and yet have to wait anxiously until the moment they are finally unleashed into the world and I get to see how far they travel. My God is such a good God and I am so blessed to just be able to undertake this project after years of pent up desire. This truly is a dream coming true.  Music is me and I know it is what I’m called to do. All that is left is to see how God will put this puzzle together. 

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Empty Boat House

Rode by your boat house’s today.

I could see you in them.

I pictured you on the water.

I pictured myself standing by you watching you gleam

in the presence of what you love.

Is that how others feel when I’m playing music

or when I’m at a concert?

It’s a very special moment observing someone

in their love, the object of their affection they hold most

dear.

It inspires you to pursue your love.

I wish I could have seen you in the boat.

I wish I could have cheered you on, in life as in the

regatta.

I wish you knew I am still your biggest fan.

I wish you knew how much I love that you love boats.

I saw your boat house’s today.

I know you would have loved them.

Especially on this perfect May afternoon.

The houses were empty.

They reminded me of your heart, how empty it is,

I’m not in it anymore.

But the empty one is me.

The boat house is my heart.

Although many people lined the streets.

The boat house’s were so empty.

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Why, oh, why? Dreams and Lies.

Who can help me figure it out? Where can I find an answer to my questions? I close my eyes, I lay me down to sleep and as I enter the land of dreams she finds me there. Though time has passed, though I have traveled thousands of miles away from her, she always finds me where I can’t hide. In my dreams she’s still mine. In my dreams we’re still in love and I haven’t become the callous monster that drove her away. Maybe the unanswered won’t let me put her down? Have you ever been happy and thrown it away and not really known why, and clutching for reasons you fail to find any of significance or truth? All the reasons you had seem like mirages. Job, in the bible, had questions for what happened to him, and the only answer he got was because God willed it. That answer is enough for me, I accept that, but why is she still in my dreams? Why can’t I escape that? I would move on if I could move on but dreams keep me tied to this place. In the time without her, my soul has changed. I’m closer to the man I should have always been and I know that if she gave me a chance today I could treat her the way she’s always deserved to be treated. But sometimes flowers bloom and no one is there to admire their beauty. The ironic part is that she admired my ugliness, she saw beauty where there was none, she believed in me, and now that her hope has turned to reality, I have spoiled our chances and she’s not here to see me bloom. Love has always befuddled me. It has always been a maze that I can’t figure out. With her it was simple, but I wasn’t ready. And I know that when true love finds me it will be simple, and I know the sunshine of clarity will disperse the storms of chaos, but did I miss it when I had it? Is there any meaning at all in these dreams? Are the attempts to extract meaning valid or wrestling with the wind? If I don’t find love again, I won’t complain, because I had it. If it is still out there, as far as I know, I am no closer to it than ever before. I am alone. I’m happy alone because I am not with the wrong person, but the dreams won’t leave me alone. Why?

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Decided to take a quick journey through my archive and found this note I wrote years ago...it’s crazy to think that I’m only months away from releasing my demo out into the world. All I can say is, God is good. 

Long story shorter: I am unable to write music. I haven’t even had a strong desire to really.

Creative writing is not something you just summon. It attaches itself to you, transforms you, and then explodes out of you. In the past I’ve written songs in minutes. The creativity spark was that...

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I want them all!!!!!!!!!!!! 

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The Tree

Most often than not, I write when I have to. What I mean is, at least when it comes to blog posts, I write when inspiration strikes. If you’ve been following this blog then you know those moments are rare. Don’t get me wrong, I write all the time, because I do have to, I always need to express, almost always, to myself. On here, I write the thoughts I actually want to share. Here’s one:

“The market doesn’t respond to control and manipulation unless you’re a very large trader. However, we can control our perception and interpretation of market information as well as our own behavior. Instead of controlling our surroundings so they can form to our idea of the way things should be, we can learn to control ourselves. Then, we can perceive information from the most objective perspective possible and structure our mental environment so that we always behave in a manner that is in our own best interest.”

-Mark Douglas, “Trading in the Zone”

I find this such a beautifully-put paragraph. Sure, his specific context here is about how to play the markets wisely and to your advantage. The overall implication expands much further than the stock markets.

You are a tree. You can choose to be whatever tree you want. I am a sequoia, although I don’t think those bear fruit and that doesn’t really work for this example but, shut up, I’m a sequoia. What kind of tree are you? Are you a wise oak, perhaps a beautiful willow, or maybe you’re a carefree palm tree swaying gently along the beach in beautiful sunny South Florida? (I miss home.)

The things that surround you are your fruit. What sort of things can you think of right now? How about friends, wealth or poverty, maybe somewhere in the middle? What about your job? How about your attitude? Are you happy all of the time or are you angry, sad, depressed, bored, stressed, tired, and fearful—are you lonely? Are you growing? Do you find yourself surrounded by love, peace, kindness, positivity, or is everything around you negative, demeaning, judgmental, pessimistic, hopeless and bringing you down?

So if some happy-go-lucky camper comes strolling by and picks some of your fruit, what doe he/she get? A sweet, delicious, tasty, juicy orange that leaves him wanting more because something about that fruit makes him feel better, it uplifts him, and is so good for him that it’s almost contagious, and inspires him to grow his own tree to produce some wonderful fruit. Or is that fruit bitter and immediately spit out the moment it contacts the pallet and quickly forgotten in the hopes of never having to encounter that wretched taste again? Do you get where I’m going with this?

Surely, no one wants to produce the latter fruit. It’s probably a grapefruit. Sorry but grapefruits are horrible. The thing is if you’re producing bad fruit, I repeat, if YOU are PRODUCING bad fruit, it’s not as easy as plucking all that bad fruit and scotch-taping some good fruit to those branches. No, friend, the change that has to take place is within—deep within, down in your roots. If what you are feeding yourself is bitter, than your fruit will be bitter. However, if what you are feeding yourself is sweet, than you will bear good fruit.

You produce what surrounds you. This is fantastic news! What a revelation! You have the control. If your life has become stale or you’re just not happy, nothing seems to go your way and no one cares, you can change all of that. How? Well, that’s up to you. Look deep within and the answer is there. The point is, this life is a beautiful gift and it is yours. Your life is yours, it is not mine. Your life is not your friend’s, or your parent’s, or your’ boss’s, or your spouse’s. This life is yours and you can make it the exact life that you want to live. Every day you are given a wonderfully unique opportunity to live your life the way you want to live it. You know that soft quiet voice inside of you that’s been surviving on crumbs all these unhappy years, it wants to lead you to the greatest life that you can’t even dream of. It wants to show you joy beyond the likes you’ve ever felt, and love! So much love! But you have to love yourself first. At least enough to quiet your mind and walk into the corridor of your heart to find what is hiding there, anxiously waiting to be released. There is nothing to fear but your own greatness. There is nothing stopping you but an imaginary monster that doesn’t even exist. Today, a good friend told me he/she was leaving their well-established, high-paying job because his/her own happiness is simply not worth sacrificing. Wow. What an inspiration. Do you have that courage? Do you have what it takes to simply take a stand for yourself?

Be a tree. Embrace your nature. Change your roots. Grow tall, taller than anyone ever expected you to reach. Spread your branches wide, further than you ever dreamed you could. Do not be a broken tree, facing down and slowly dying. Lift your head and look up toward the sky. Look ahead, you will find a forest full of beautiful trees that are only made more radiant when your light shines along ours. The dark world we live in needs your light, don’t keep it to yourself. Let it shine!

[The tree analogy is not mine. If you’ve ever read a motivational book or attended a motivational seminar then you’ve probably encountered this wonderful analogy. This is just my version of it.]  

 #thetreeofyourlife #whenIlearnIshare #shineyourlight #blessed #thankful #words #hope #courage #truth #lifeisbeautiful 

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The best playlist I have found on Spotify! Enjoy!!!

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Recently

Recently I was asked, "what kind of girl are you looking for?" Well, 29 years into the wait I can honestly say I'm not looking. I've looked around and it left me broken-hearted and alone. It also made me damage others who didn't deserve it. "Looking" is not for me,  I'll keep waiting. So, waiting for what? For the one who will love me and allow me to love her, and we will love each other. I'm waiting for the one brave enough to love an imperfect man. I'm waiting for the one that knows when to lead and when to follow. The one who will understand the intricacies that no one else does. She will know how to quiet the pestering voices. We will be a team. We'll never give up on each other even on days we don't like each other so much. One who will confirm how funny I am with a laugh you can hear across the room, although as long as I'm funny to her I won't really care if I actually am funny or not (but I am, I know i am). I'm waiting for inside jokes and texts that say "I can't wait to see you", or "im sorry", and of course, "I love you". I'm waiting for lazy days. I'm waiting to work tirelessly with and for her. I'm waiting to pick up roses just because. To plan getaways and surprises to keep her guessing except about how much I love and treasure her. I'm waiting for the love I have inside of me to meet its purpose. I'm waiting for my muse and for the melodies she will inspire. I'm waiting to hear her thoughts and her ideas. I'm waiting and I'm praying for her. You see, she's not with me yet but she is out there somewhere. I'm praying that if she had a hard day she finds comfort. I'm praying that she's surrounded by good people who fill her with joy and laughter. I'm praying that she's protected and guided every single day. I'm waiting until the waiting is done; full of confidence in Whom I place my hope. I'm waiting because I'm learning to be patient. Because good things come to those who wait. I'm waiting to know her name, and then I will wait to hear it join mine. I'm waiting...