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itskizb · 4 years ago

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From the moment I entered into this world I have always remembered being the “chubby” one. There was never a time I forgot what my figure looked like as I would constantly be reminded by the names family and others would call me- pumpkin, dumplin,chuf chuf and fatty to name a few. As a child I believed that these names were symbols of endearment but deep down it only made me feel “othered”. The feelings of being ‘other than’ never faded despite being called ‘cute’ names followed by unsolicited advice about weight loss and weight management by my family and their friends. I remember that first feeling their looks gave me as I was seen as the cute chubby little girl who needed to lose weight. The experience of always having your body examined and mentally deconstructed by others led me down a rabbit hole.

By the time I reached Primary school, standard age of 10 be exact I became painstakingly aware of my body and the effects my physical appearance had on the opposite sex. Older men would heckle me in the street yelling ‘cat calls’, “thick sauce thick sauce”. I tried increasingly hard to never show my discomfort especially after being made aware that my chubby frame made me look older than my age. This first bout down the rabbit hole of my body propelled my discomfort into action especially noting that I was ‘chunkier’ than my pairs. At 10 I decided that I didn’t want that kind of attention of feeling so I would do something about it and that thing would be exercise. I started working out at home and registered for the school track and field program- which I took viciously serious. I committed myself to do one hundred sit-ups and fifty push-ups daily and as the days progressed so did the numbers of my strength workout increased. My muscles would become sore but I didn’t care because I was finally becoming the “SLIM GIRL”. However, despite all the hard work and time I dedicated to the achievement of body perfection I still wasn’t happy because no one noticed-people constantly compared me to my older sister not for any other reason but my weight which was discouraging but I was determined to get to my gold weight and size.

Since my efforts in primary school was not enough as I entered secondary school the first decision I made was signing up for the volleyball team. I fell deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole of dieting and exercise. I would spend most summers playing and dieting because I had to lose t of those extra 5lbs to be perfect. However, with all the changes I still wasn’t small enough and the comments from my family and friends about my gains became so loud that I gave up on my dreams of gold. After being down the hole so long I decided it was time I came up for air. But as my life was changing and the transition to a new school came into being so did a new body- a staggering gained of 20lbs. I decided it was not a good look for me (surprise, surprise).

As the remnants of past weight loss dreams were being served to me in the years moving forward so it seemed as though everything was connected to my lack of a tiny waist and dainty arms. Form 3 and 4 were the years of high school relationships and star-crossed loves, but for me there was no one in my line of view and the words “you are getting too big” rang so loud now that I couldn’t ignore it. The idea that no one likes me because of my weight became my distorted reality. So I introduced myself to another attempt of my “slim girl” dreams. I dedicated my year at form 4 to a vegetarian lifestyle and the parameters of having one meal per day and if that didn’t work I made it a double strike by taking a chance at volleyball again. At this point my plan had to work and I mean how could it not I was giving it everything I had and it paid off. Guys, I’m finally at my ideal weight and I see abs forming not to mention-yuh girl now has her first boyfriend. But, it wasn’t enough (do we see a theme here). Every time I think I can let go and focus on living my life rather than shrinking my jeans size I would be reminded by my family and the mirror that I couldn’t and in the final year of school when I should be focused on CSEC exams I was back down the rabbit hole again.

After my years at secondary school ended I felt like I not only graduated with the grades I wanted but a Masters in weight loss and dieting for kids. I felt like I cracked the code and I wasn’t ready to let go of that life yet and climb out of the rabbit hole so I starved myself the entire summer before starting college because thin and sexy was the gold now. My years at University started off amazing- I was snatched. But as the school load increased the all-nighters got longer so did my weight. I was fluctuating like a yoyo and when I finally looked at the scale I was 50lbs heavier, diagnosed with PCOS and disappointed that I let myself get this far out of the rabbit hole that I wasn’t even sure I could even fit down there anymore- it was a mess. Despite all my internal weight wars and body image I managed to garner some amazing memories and a decent gpa to graduate.

As I transitioned out of student life and into working something snapped and I no longer wanted to be tied to the judgements others made about myself and my body so I did the most daring and drastic thing yet- I moved. Moving to Tobago allowed me to leave all the emotional baggage I collected all the years before- or so I thought. I felt like I was finally being granted the cosmic opportunity to life an authentic life and be who I truly am but I never considered that whilst I spent so many years managing my weight that I didn’t spend the time discovering who I am. So I birthed this concept that I must adhere to a journey of self-discovery and strength despite hearing the whispers of ‘chuf chuf’ and ‘dumplin’. I became determined to try to treat my body with love instead of diet and for me that meant I had to start with letting go of the thoughts of inducing vomiting , starvation, diet culture and succumbing to people’s view on what my body should look like.

I can say now as the present Kiz that every day is a working progress and body hate has become a price I am unwilling to pay to achieve my family or society’s decision on what beauty and sexy looks like.

P.S. PCOS sucks but in this battle you have many soldiers and I for one will remind you that you are beautiful and beauty has no size.

#weightloss #pcos #consciousawareness #growth #becomingme

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