isabelrobles

[isabelrobles]

Alone, footsteps echoing through the silence of the streets. 

Alone, faceless in the avenue of the lost.

Alone, in the smog that envelopes the city that never sleeps. 

Alone, with the leaves as they slowly turn from green to red.

Alone, as the summer heat turns into the cold autumn breeze. 

Alone, as the wind blows in the eerie alleys of my mind. 

Alone, lost with the thoughts of you.

Alone, longing, hoping, praying that you’d see this lonely heart that seeks you. 

Alone.

Photo: Portland By: Isabel Robles (December 16, 2019)

Poem: Alone By: Isabel Robles (September 13, 2020) 

[isabelrobles]

Void

Lately, I’ve been feeling mellow, hollow, sort of empty. I’m not happy, I’m not sad, I just feel like I'm stuck in this neutral limbo of emptiness. I feel like there’s a part of me missing yet, I don’t know what it is.

There seems to be a void in me that’s waiting to be filled, but there’s no way of knowing where that void ends. I’ve been feeling a lot of guilt, stress, anxiety, frustration, confusion, you name it. I know that I put a lot of pressure on myself, striving to be the best version of myself, yet I don’t even know what it is that I want to do with my life. Besides feeling stuck in a limbo, the other thing that would best describe what I’m feeling is like, I’m in an ocean with the waves splashing high, but I don’t know if the waves are gonna swallow me to drown, or carry me to a deserted island, or bring me to a beach where people can rescue me. 

I have not been clinically diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I myself do not want to be diagnosed because I do not want to be labelled as anxious and depressed. Am I an anxious and recently feeling depressed person? YES! I’m not scared to talk to a doctor about what I’m going through, heck I even want to be a Psychologist someday, if it’s possible. What I’m scared about is, that if I do get diagnosed that I would be given meds to take, and I don’t want that. 

I believe that psychotherapy/ counselling, and self-care can easily help reduce the melancholy that I’ve been feeling lately. That’s one of the reasons why I’ve turned into writing recently. I feel that writing about what I’m feeling releases some of the pent up stress that I have in me. There’s just something about putting my frustrations into words that makes it better for me. 

I just get really agitated when things that I plan for myself don’t turn out the way that I wanted them too. I have no control whatsoever of what can possibly happen. I’m no Doctor Strange that can turn back time. I’m no Wanda Maximoff that can read minds. I’m just a regular girl trying her best to get by. I guess with the recent following out that I had with very close friends of mine, not being able to leave the toxic workplace that I have, and not really knowing what to do, just all added up together and made me feel really hopeless. 

I’m glad that I have family and friends that listen to me, about all my concerns. It’s just sometimes, I can’t help feeling that I’m alone with my problems. So for now I’ll work on getting better and maybe one day I’ll find all the answers that I need to fill that void in me. 

‘Till then,

Isabel 

[isabelrobles]

MTulip

Away well-wisher, away and never return. 

Begone, and live life to the fullest, like a Tulip that blossoms in the field of wonders.

Gone are the smiles, the laughter, and the lies in your truth. 

Gone are the days of picturesque sunsets whilst profound conversations ensued. 

Gone are the nights under the starlight sky and city lights. 

Gone are the tears and the melancholy of a broken heart forsaken. 

Not an ounce of warmth left to the blistering heat of bond we once forged. 

May they vanish into the cold abyss of nothingness. 

You are but a mere shadow, haunting the depths of my fondest memories. 

Away well-wisher, away and never return. 

Photo: Yellow in Pink By: Isabel Robles (May 11, 2021) 

Poem: Tulip By: Isabel Robles (May 14, 2021) 

[isabelrobles]

Fri-ENDS

One thing I learned from school back home is that, “Friends” don’t last forever, hence why the word ends with “ENDS.” In my 22 years, I’ve had a few falling outs with friends, none of which really affected me like this one did. 

I met these “Fri-ENDS,” through family members. Needless to say, these “Fri-ENDS,” were like family too. We went out, had picnic’s made fun video edits, had photoshoots, stayed at each other’s houses, drove around the city, stayed out until late, went on vacations, you name it! 

As an only child, I consider all my friends like they are the siblings that I never had. I care for them as a sibling should care for their other sibling. Goodness, I care for my friends so much that sometimes (most of the time) I turn motherly towards them. My girlfriends back home can testify for that. 

Anyway, I care for these “Fri-ENDS,” like they are my own siblings. We looked out for each other, told each other secrets, teased each other, etc. On the surface, these “Fri-ENDS,” seem like they are the nicest, most easy going, and greatest bunch you would ever meet. But underneath of it all, they are the most deceiving, manipulative and untrustworthy people of all. I was blinded by the gifts, the laughter, the comfort (way too much comfort) from them. I thought that they would be there for me, come high or low, but I was wrong. 

After all the fun times, after my trust was owned, they showed their true colors. Their souls are blacker than coal, their hearts made of stone, their smiles faker than plastic, and their morals dirtier than ground that they step on. They show no respect, no empathy, no love towards the people they once considered family. 

They’re the “Fri-ENDS,” that only calls you a “friend,” when they need something from you. They draw convenience at the fountain of your goods because of desperation but forsake you in times that they’re fruitful. 

It’s just painful that I realized this way too late than I should have. I cherished and loved them dearly. Falling through with them was as fast as connecting with them for the first time. It hurts me that they can’t even bother to ask how I’ve been or if I was okay. 

It hurts that I’ve just become nothing to them. 

My pain from losing them, turned into anger. I sometimes wished that I'd never met them, so that I could’ve spared myself from all of this. But I guess in life, we meet people that teach us valuable lessons that we will never learn had we not faced them. 

Fri-ENDS, Friends, Fri-ENDS that are family, Friends that ARE family, they differ. It’s just a matter of who stays in times that you need them or who leaves after they are done benefiting from you. In the end those that foster you, never let go of them, love them and never forget them, because they will remain true and loyal to you every step of the way.

‘Till then,

-Isabel

[isabelrobles]

Do you ever just feel like you’re trapped?

Do you ever just feel like you’re trapped and can’t get out? Like you’ve been finding ways to crawl out of that burning building but the fire is too strong that it blocks your way out, and you just end up suffocating because of the smoke? Yeah, I feel that too. I feel like that at my present job. I’m suffocating and there just seems to be no way out. I’m just stuck. 

I’ve been working at my job for about 2 years, (including my internship) it's been one heck of a ride to say the least. I work with people that struggle and need a lot of support. As a young person; I feel like I was able to do that, especially when the person I’m working with says so. It’s actually a gratifying job, on good days. But when it's the bad days, it's actually the last place that you’d even want to be in. I’ve seen things that a person should not. I’ve heard things that I can’t unhear. Most of the people we serve, feel trapped like myself. It’s a common thing that we share. That’s how bad it is here. The simplest thing to describe this workplace is that: it's like a maze, just when you thought that you’ve found a way out, you’re met with a dead end. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very proud of my achievements here. I got promoted twice  because they saw I’m hard working and have a good work ethic. It’s just, It gets tiring dealing with the same stuff everyday that I work here. I just need a change of environment. I just need to get out. But how? 

Recently, they are political things that made this workplace even more toxic than it already is. I have been wanting to leave for a long time, yes. Without giving too much away, let’s just say that this situation just made me realize that I cannot stay here any longer and I have to leave before I fall through the cracks. Needless to say, the situation showed me how unsecure my job is at this workplace and that at any time, if I say something wrong, or if I make one minor mistake, that would be it. Also doesn’t help the fact that I hear, “Everyone is replaceable.” Great! Thanks for making me feel way better than I already do!

Anyway, this whole post is just about how frustrated I’ve become at my current workplace. I’ve been looking for other jobs and I just haven’t heard back from them. I really wanna get out of here as soon as possible. I gotta find a way to hold my breath long enough to get out of that burning building before I suffocate to death. I just hope that once I get out, the smoke would clear and I’d be able to walk with my own two feet, head held high saying, “ I survived.” 

‘Till then, 

-Isabel

[isabelrobles]

Hi I’m Isabel! Welcome to my blog. I am new to Tumblr and I know that  I am very late in the game.  I’m a 22 year old immigrant living in Canada, and recently I’ve been going through some things that made me turn into writing. I’ve compiled rants, poems, letter, etc. most of them are for my eyes only, some of them (the poems in particular) I post on my other social media accounts from time to time. So if you wanna get to know me and find out about the stuff that I’m into, or if you just want to relate to a fellow 20+ years old woman trying to figure out life, I hope you enjoy reading. 

I consider myself an introverted person, I typically shy away from people, especially if I see them coming towards me on the street, this girl, no matter how overweight she might be, will run as fast as she could just to find a hiding spot, in order to hide from someone she knows. But that only ever happens when I see someone I’m familiar with outside of school or work. 

I never like starting conversations. I don’t care how awkward it is. I will never be the one first to speak. Sometimes it makes me wonder if it is just my being an  introvert or if it’s social anxiety. I have been working on being more outgoing and extroverted, this hermit tries but she just reaches her limit. 

I love Marvel, especially the MCU. I’ve seen all MCU movies except, “The Incredible Hulk.” Bucky Barnes is my favorite character, and I loved him in “Captain America and the Winter Soldier.” Because of the show, I created my Tiktok account just to comment about my thoughts about each episode. I really miss the show, but I’m excited to see where Sam and Bucky will show up next. 

I love Les Misérables and Hamilton. As a friend-zoned thirteen year old, eight years ago. “On My Own” was my theme song. As a new immigrant in Canada, I related to Hamilton’s struggle to relate to a different culture than my own. Feeling voiceless even though I want to be heard. 

I am anxious, I daydream too much about the life I want to have, I’m an only child that had/has to work really hard to earn what I want. I only have a few friends (most of which are back home), I’m imperfect and I make a lot of mistakes. I sing and dance, and I take long showers to wash away my worries. I over think about things that I can’t control. I’m ignorant and naïve and still have too much to learn about the cruel world we live in. I overwork myself too much to the brink of burning out. I hope to be better at my job. I pray to God every night that I’d meet that one guy I met 7 years ago. I’m imperfect, I’m broken, but most of all I am myself. No matter how flawed I may be, I just gotta accept my imperfections and embrace them. Because at the end of the day, it’s those imperfections that make you unique from everyone else. 

‘Till then,

-Isabel

PS. Yes, I ended this post with a quote from Sebastian Stan.