imnotdepressedyouredepresse-blog

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There’s good things happening

My computer is on again and I’ve been writing. Expanding the snippets from my phone into full chapters is proving to be immensely difficult, but if I can get the hang of adding better descriptions I think it’ll write itself.

I got my (current) dream job, and by the end of this year I’ll hopefully have a lot of my debt paid down and maybe (hopefully) be signing up to go back to school next fall

I realized my hair is long again lmao which sounds dumb but I guess a lot of confidence comes from my hair, and I realized that I took away that confidence when I cut it short for the past few years. My libido is back in full force, and my anxiety about interviews and the future is down a lot

I’m better able to track my mental health patterns, which has been huge when I can sit down and be honest with myself about WHY I’m feeling the way I do, more often than not I’m riding some kind of high or low and just need to understand that if I can keep a level head through it I’ll come out the other side

I’m happier right now than I’ve been in a while, even cleaning up glass at 3 am this morning after my dog got into the cat food and knocked a bunch of stuff over. It’s October, finally, I’ll be 24 next month and hopefully around this time next year we’ll be planning our wedding, at least

I haven’t weighed myself in a while and I’m betting the number hasn’t changed much, but I feel better about my body and I’m noticing small changes through walking my dog and inconsistent yoga. If only I could get my sleep patterns under control...

It feels good to feel good, even when life still isn’t all that great, I know I’ve made strides forward in the last few years and I’m very different from the extremely unstable girl I was coming out of high school. I don’t get as angry as often, I still don’t necessarily believe in money but it’s obviously a great deal better to have some in this world than to not have any

I’m hoping over the next few years I can start investing time (maybe a little money) into helping those less fortunate than me, and using my privileges to help other voices be heard

I very rarely write posts anywhere about when I’m doing good, especially on Facebook because I feel like it’s one big circle jerk sometimes and that’s never been what I’m about. I’m way too negative lately, though, and writing this has already lifted my mood for the day and ebbed out some of the anxiety of quitting my current job, so here’s to a positive outlook and the future! (And maybe waking up this early every day!)

It’s raining, and candles and rain in the morning always make me feel good. Have a good day everyone!!!

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One thing and I go from productive to absolutely nothing

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“I spend most of my days thinking of ways to say goodbye than thinking of ways to make you stay”

-Day 403

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Some days are really hard

Since you stopped talking to me and I realize more and more you were a comfort replacing a person who never existed at all. It’s been so many years that I feel stupid feeling this way, but I’ll be damned if I don’t think about him every single day. I’m not even sure I miss you, just him.

I never thought it would be this hard to love someone who never existed at all. I never got to love him the way I wanted to, never got to kiss him or feel him or feel good with him. I didn’t see it as something fucked up because you were still there, but this has fucked me up. And I watch movies about people who come back to each other years later. Movies about people who’s love lasts through everything. And I’ll never get that chance because you stole my first love from me.

I pine after someone who’s stardust never actually brushed mine. I’ve never gotten closure, I’ve only avoided the unbelievable hole it left in me by continuing to talk to you. And you took my self assurance, you took my diary for my worst days and you balled it up and threw it away. I no longer feel confident, I feel lonelier than I’ve ever felt in my life. And you’re right, it wasn’t fair to you. I knew you were in love with me, I knew we could never make it work. And I’m happy, I am, with the man I’m with now. But there are pieces of me missing. Two years of my life spent infallibly in love, dreaming every day that he would inevitably show up and I’d run across the school lobby and jump into his arms.

But that crashed and burned. I don’t know what’s left of me. I didn’t know it would hurt so bad, or id spend days forgetting my book and writing about him instead. I wanted marriage, I wanted a life, I wanted to travel and just be in love and maybe even have kids someday. But I don’t want any of that, I don’t want to touch that dream with a long stick because that hole will suck me inside of it and I would break. I would break.

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I don’t know how to ask you for the millionth time if you believe in your heart that I’m right for you

Because I can see that you’re unhappy

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I just want my chance at happiness

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Adulthood is like a trip to the vet and we are the dog that was so excited for the car ride until we realized where we are going

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Sometimes suicide isn’t about the rest of the world being better off, it’s about you being better off

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This world is not for me

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I’m so damn frustrated

And it’s hard because like... idk man I don’t wanna come across as too needy or too whatever and get yelled at, and if I type it out then it’s like oh that’s not healthy... I’m tired and sad and I want to be myself and be vibrantly, beautifully sexual and have a normal sex life where we have sex often and it’s partially my fault because I was so low for a while but damn... just take me up against a wall or while I’m sleeping or some shit idk

Every once in a while I get a glimpse of how I want things, and then it goes away and I’m left so angry and frustrated...

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Law professor Roger Fisher suggested that nuclear launch codes be implanted in a volunteer’s heart. The president would be required to personally take the life of an innocent person before taking the lives of hundreds of millions. (Source)

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Do you ever just want to start over?

Not even with the knowledge you have now. Just start over. Maybe you’d make the same choices, and go down the same path. But maybe you wouldn’t.

And maybe you wouldn’t get wine drunk at midnight on a Saturday night because socializing tired you out and for some reason you’re angry and you just keep thinking “how did I end up here”

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Will I ever be happy

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I’m so tired of being constantly stressed out

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Life lessons I’m learning in my 20s: I always had this feeling inside of me that I should be doing more or that I should be working towards something and accomplishing more. Although goals and dreams are important, I realized it’s far more valuable to live in the present moment, to enjoy what comes. The only thing I really need to work towards or change is me. I want to become kinder, softer. I want to express who I am and do things out of love than out of obligation. 

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I hope love finds you in 2018