im-not-a-college-dropout - Tumblr blog

[im-not-a-college-dropout]

and lava is not as pretty when it dries and cuts are not as pretty when they scab and i am not as pretty since i learned what pretty meant and i have been trying to unbecome it ever since

[im-not-a-college-dropout]

feeling useful to the people around me

laufey music (specifically that kind of jazz)

the game guildlings

Things I enjoy

to be edited and added on to:

doing silly art activities with my friends

laying on someone's lap

learning new simple origami patterns, especially when i get it easily

craig of the creek

finding new music that makes me feel different

being able to cook on a nonstick pan before it gets ruined

[im-not-a-college-dropout]

dec 1

so clearly i have been slacking on this blog journal thing, but i feel like the fact that i am even checking in within a week is still an accomplishment in terms of my previous attempts at journalling. still doing alright

i'm currently looking for new music if anyone is offering recommendations (especially now that spotify wrapped is out (i genuinely wish the best to the uncredited intern who developed it)). i think new music for new vibes would be lovely.

i have been thinking a lot about my dead friend and have been checking in on people because you never know when someone needs a sort of check in so they can still be here. another of my friends made an attempt to off themself, so i was especially sad a few days ago.

i have been offering my house out to friends that need to get away, and it has made me feel both useful as a friend and like i'm doing something, but also feeling useless because i can't fix their situations. i want to be able to fix things, but i can appreciate that i am someone that people are able to trust in their lows. i don't think their situations are anything i'll fully understand, but i'm happy to offer a couch or a bed.

then i'm reminded that i need to feel good about doing things for myself and not just feel good when the people around me have found use for me? i know that my friends are not using me, but i need to learn that people don't need to need me for me to have value in their lives... and i need to take care of myself first to be useful for the people around me.

in the meantime, i am considering using my apple arcade free trial to play a video game that i no longer have access to since my last free trial ended, and maybe gaming and watching goncharov (i'm a slut for time imagery and parallelism between the character dynamics of andrei and katya and sofia and gocharov, despite goncharov's obvious moral folly and the fact that he was so indecisive which does drag the story on and making him lose the person most important to him (clearly andrei)), and maybe do some things that make me feel good about myself.

i also might go out with a hinge femme so that might be interesting.

[im-not-a-college-dropout]

nov 27

i am having a time and do not have the energy to fully update. last night i texted a friend instead of journaling, tonight i talked to my mom

[im-not-a-college-dropout]

nov 25

i did not participate in the shopping of today because i felt ill and in an immense amount of pain. i also spent a lot of the day sad because of family tension and because of the book i was reading and body dysmorphia and the incredible fear that everyone i love actual hates me and i'm a disgusting human being. not a good day overall. i made myself some tea, texted a few friends, texted a girl i used to like, died from cramps, watched cartoon etc.

i'm gonna talk to my doctor about cramps to see if i could do anything that may help (and also be gender affirming)

i'm going to take my meds

i might cry again

[im-not-a-college-dropout]

nov 24

i hope that any americans that also had to deal with their families today are doing alright, especially going out to all of the queer people, the neurodivergent, the leftist, and all else. big family holidays are a fun culmination of many beliefs and the urge to find a grave to roll in. for fun. of course.

i was only a little uncomfortable because my uncle has many brothers and i am uncomfortable around most adult men, almost to a point of fear, so i am thankful that i did not have to interact with most of them. i did have to deal with children again, but i will take children over adult men that i do not know any day. with children i can just cheat at uno, which is much more fun than any adult conversation.

my mom was incredibly irritated with my sister today because my sister doesn't take as much responsibility as she would like around the house. in my own perspective-- my sister creates spaces for people to be responsible in (caretaker for the dog as an example) but then does not take up the space that she has created, which pushes the responsibility onto my mom, which my mom is not very appreciative of. i don't know where i should stand in this, nor do i know if i should have a place in it at all, but i don't want my mom to get taken advantage of, even if it's my sister doing it.

i enjoyed my trans experience of being misgendered at thanksgiving and appreciate that my family doesn't ask me about men anymore. i'll take my time to decompress on a floor somewhere in my house.

[im-not-a-college-dropout]

nov. 23

i'm living so slowly at the moment, and because of that, i kind of am enjoying the little tasks that i get to do... i may only get to them at night because that is when my energy is up the most with my fucked up sleep cycle, but i don't know if it will be sustainable and if i should be practicing my sleep schedule for when i return to school.

i am about to take my meds

not much to really report today. some friends noticed that i left one of the larger group chats that i was in because i feel like i am a very different person than the kind of people that are in that friend group, and that makes me feel uncomfortable and isolated when i am with them. it's weird that being pulled into groups like that can make you feel lonely too, but it's honestly all okay and i'm happy that i could recognize that i am not me in that space. i deserve more spaces where i can feel comfortable as my homebody self.

[im-not-a-college-dropout]

Nov 22

i'm once again two days behind but i'll go in reverse order

my neighbors are currently yelling and my window is on that side of the house, so it's not super fun but at least they aren't arguing... i hate hearing people argue it can be really triggering sometimes because of the number of shootings and cop callings we've had on my street. i am comfortable here, until it starts happening.

today i spent some time with my dog and went out to the grocery store to get him his 30 pound bag of food. i tired him on some of the fresh food stuff about a week ago and he enjoyed it, so maybe if we can afford more he'll be able to get some more of that in the future. for now, my mom and i just trade off on filling his food bowl and playing with his so that he can get some enjoyment in the house. he hasn't really been on many walks since i've been home, and my mom thinks he deserves better, as do i. my sister hasn't been putting in the effort that my mom wants from her (it's her dog that my mom has been made the primary caretaker of) so the air in the house is a little bit tense and my sister stomps around when i'm upset. she has a lot of emotional triggers, so i tiptoe around her at these moments because i never know when she is still suicidal. it kind of hurts, but we all deal with things differently. her way just feels like a lot sometimes. it's why i want to make sure that i am taking care of my own mental health so i don't get back to a place where i would technically be considered suicidal (not wanting to exist and not wanting to wake up in the morning- but no plans to do anything). i think i need to get to a place where i want to be not suicidal for myself instead of the people around me. i think the primary reason i avoid the idea of being suicidal is that it would hurt the people around me.

that got sad, i promise that i am not in that mental space right now.

i also talked on the phone with one of my friends that i obnoxiously send memes when i haven't heard from her in a while. i told her a bit of how i felt about our friend's death last year, and how it led to my impulsive texting to someone that i am no longer friends with. i get concerned when i don't hear from people, because sometimes when you don't hear from people, the next thing you hear about them is from their obituary. that hurts very much, and because it's coming up the anniversary, i feel weird.

yesterday (nov 21) i cleaned up a couple of spaces in the house but got overcome by some dizzy spells for some unknown reason. it could be because i have been so still, but i want to figure out why?? i'll go back to taking my iron and be sure that it's up for my next doctor's check up, but i'm not sure that it's just my iron levels? maybe i need to eat a vegetable. i wanna feel physically okay as a well as mentally okay. i think i need some watching or support to get to the physical-- i don't really like being conscious of doing physical activity by myself.

on sunday (nov 20) i was also tired and dizzy, but i went to spend time with one of my good friends in the evening. her life has moved so differently than mine, and i support her. i miss her though. i wish i could spend more time with her, but with her in school and me going back to school, i feel like my place in her life has shifted, and i just want to be here in the capacity that she wants me to be.

[im-not-a-college-dropout]

blond oreos (golden oreos are the only blonds i'll form an attachment to)

warm blankets

when my hair doesn't move while i sleep (no touch my neck)

build a bear racoon my beloved

Things I enjoy

to be edited and added on to:

doing silly art activities with my friends

laying on someone's lap

learning new simple origami patterns, especially when i get it easily

craig of the creek

finding new music that makes me feel different

being able to cook on a nonstick pan before it gets ruined

[im-not-a-college-dropout]

Nov 19

um so yeah i skipped a couple of days

nov 18: nothing much happened-- i did get chased by my neighbors dogs while walking mine so there is that, but it was s slow day because i was drained from the day before. i took a nap though, which does aid my minimal sleep situation

nov 17: i went to the concert, was absolutely shellshocked while meeting the artist, got a photo w them, felt more transed after the concert and was like no more boobs i work so hard to ungender myself but i keep getting seen as so gender and they are an artist that writes about that so screaming and i couldn't talk to them bc i was anxious

today: spent time with my younger cousins doing their hair. my aunt knows i don't like kids but i know that she needs a break so she's paying me for my time (thx bestie). kids are a lot and i didn't sleep well, so i didn't have the energy to be very fun with them.

now i am talking briefly to my friend and feeling shitty bc i know my toxic habit is i self isolate then feel bad when people are able to live without me then i get very depressed which is a pattern that i recognize and have to work to get out of.

i'm not sure if i will see family tomorrow or see my friend, but we will see once these kids go to sleep and i am able to get some actual rest.

i am proud of myself though because i did eat three meals today and drank water. i realize how often i forget to drink things? really good at functioning as a person. i made soup and it is keeping my insides warm.

[im-not-a-college-dropout]

the song shinunoga II-wa

Things I enjoy

to be edited and added on to:

doing silly art activities with my friends

laying on someone's lap

learning new simple origami patterns, especially when i get it easily

craig of the creek

finding new music that makes me feel different

being able to cook on a nonstick pan before it gets ruined

[im-not-a-college-dropout]

nov 16

hello friends i am very tired and stressed and i have not been sleeping well over the past couple of days. i think the lack of movement and stuff during the day makes it so i don't get tired as much at night, so i just kind of stay awake and restless. also more weird dreams, but that does mean that i fell into a deep enough sleep at some point for me to go into a rem cycle, so that is good? i'm trying to look into the positives because today has been mentally a lot even though i haven't done much-- though that seems to be the pertinent issue.

umm the new episodes of craig of the creek made me almost cry, and i think i do need to let myself cry at some point but i'm just not there?? i don't know i feel a lot more scattered and anxious today. i am proud of myself i read through fifty pages of the book that i've been meaning to read, though it isn't taking my interest like i would hope so i've just been moving between the upstairs and downstairs of my house trying to find something to do with the space that i take up while i am here. i do plan on leaving the house tomorrow so i can travel to the concert that i'm going to! yay. i am very anxious an djittery today so i hope i do not carry this energy with me into tomorrow. i took my meds i just need to use the sleep.

[im-not-a-college-dropout]

oh

i've been thinking about this since i made this blog-- i have nothing against people who do drop out of college. i think i honestly would if i felt like i could get anywhere without a degree, and if i had the motivation to just push myself forward. the name came from a joke between my friend and me and how i said i'm going to write my college dropout book and they said k4nye would copyright charge me, so i changed it to (i am not a) college dropout.

tldr: i'm not anti people who drop out, do what you need to

[im-not-a-college-dropout]

Nov. 15

so i skipped yesterday because i got sleepy early and i could not muster up the motivation to open my laptop and i am not logged into this blog on my phone, so i guess the internet will have to do without my thoughts for the day.

my therapy appointment that i had set up for today got canceled because they actually didn't accept my insurance, so i canceled it officially yesterday, and today i just kind of slept in because i didn't have any activity to do in the morning. my friends at school text me and i feel a little bit less sad and a little bit more like a person. my joy project continues, and i'm still looking into what things i can do. i did one of the balance meditations yesterday and it went fine, the time went by faster than i expected but i also chose a terrible spot and was terrified of my dog coming to lick my face while i was on the floor. i'll try another one tomorrow, i think it works best when i am not freezing and not at a point in the day where i am over everything.

i am listening to a bit more music, which is good, but my brain is still very bored because i am not doing anything that is actually engaging, so i need to figure out some things that i can do and feel comfortable doing on my own and out of the house. i can go catch a sunrise, but it will be freezing cold even if i am actually awake before sunrise like i was today. but today it wasn't really on purpose, it was because i had a nightmare and woke up feeling like i couldn't breathe-- like the kind where you can't close your eyes because the dream continues and the guy just keeps chasing you, so i didn't have the best time this morning, but i didn't really cry, i was just very panicked waking up.

tonight, i hope for better dreams, better road conditions (because i had my first winter road experience and i am scared) and something that motivates me from my dreams to my waking day tomorrow.

yes i am going to take my meds my water is just in my room and i am not in my room right now. i have been more consistent and i think that switching to taking them at night is better for that time consistency.

[im-not-a-college-dropout]

Nov. 13

there were birthdays in my family today, so i went to my grandma's house along with the majority of my extended family. i don't think that most of them know that i am just home for the rest of the semester, and they assumed that i was just on fall break and i'm like, yeah, something like that. i feel like i don't owe the entire family an explanation of what i'm going through, but i do feel like i'd be kind of comfortable talking about it with maybe one of my aunts.

aside from that, it was usual family gathering with comments about my weight and appearance and how i'm doing in school. i didn't feel the urge to cry through, only the usual overwhelming annoyance as an autistic in a crowded and loud environment and as a non gendered person getting so gendered by my family. it was fine though, and my grandma was happpy with the day, so that is all i ask for.

i am currently doing okay. maybe a five out of ten. i don't feel terrible and incredibly unhappy, which is good. it's rare for me to actually recognize days like these, so that's something that i'll have to do better with in the future. i think that recognizing happy days is good for being able to have hope for getting happy-- happier-- in the future and to just believe that it's okay to not feel like shit all of the time. like that doesn't invalidate my experience having been depressed, but also showing that i can get through it? i don't know, i feel like if i try to analyze the neutrality and the okay days too much i'll ruin them, so for now i'll just say that i'm okay.

tomorrow i am going to take time to clean up my room. the fact that i have sheets on my bed is a miracle in itself but unpacking my clothes for the time being would probably open up my room more so i could have some floor time and stuff. the floor in my room is one of the cleaner places i can sit because the dog has not been allowed in my room since the time that he trapped himself under my bed. so i'll probably have some podcast and clean time. maybe read a physical book and hope it holds my attention span like they used to.

i am going to take my meds within the next thirty minutes i promise

[im-not-a-college-dropout]

fiction podcasts with some mystery

heating pads

towel self-hugs

Things I enjoy

to be edited and added on to:

doing silly art activities with my friends

laying on someone's lap

learning new simple origami patterns, especially when i get it easily

craig of the creek

finding new music that makes me feel different

being able to cook on a nonstick pan before it gets ruined

[im-not-a-college-dropout]

Nov 12

i didn't really do much today. i couldn't sleep through the night because i kept waking up really cold. my sister sleeps with her window open and the air conditioner on and i'm like, "we are reaching sub 40 temperatures, this doesn't make sense" but my sister is the kind of person where you can't tell her much and she won't make it about being victimized personally by your statement. and i love her, but that makes it hard to be around her and discuss things sometimes.

i however get really overwhelmed by discussions sometimes too. my friend and i were discussing a topic and they had a strong opinion that was different than mine, and while i can concede and understand that i am not always in the right and i am very ignorant in my own ways despite wanting progress, i feel like their way of dealing with that is helping people to make informed opinions using info and podcasts and stuff, but i get overwhelmed at the task of having to look at things that people send me, so i did cry a bit today. i never really want to put people into a position where they can't get to things on their own time, but i guess that is something that differentiates people who are radical and people who are not. i don't want them to know that i felt upset though, or that is was overwhelming because that makes me feel like i'm blaming them more my discomfort, as opposed to questioning my discomfort in the first place.

i don't know that i am in the emotional space to comfortably/safely experience discomfort.

my mind is in a negative space where criticisms are all going down the trail of "wow, you fucking suck as a person. why do people want to be around you. you are fake woke, ignorant, and unintelligent" and while i consciously know that these thoughts aren't true and i can take the time to reframe them, i still feel the hurt that comes from them if that makes any sense.

anyway.

i made my cousin's birthday cake and it's kinda bad but who cares, it'll get eaten. i'll be seeing my family tomorrow and i'm not quite emotionally prepared, but i do want to see my grandma even if that means facing judgement. i'm not sure what i'll say, but i guess the first step is facing my own truths? which is another story.