iloveyousteve-blog

[iloveyousteve-blog]

Holy Hannah

Wow.  It has been so long since I’ve posted on this blog that I actually forgot my password and had to have the ‘reset your password’ email sent to me.  The password that I use for almost everything is the name of our boat...and yet I didn’t use that for this blog....maybe I started it even before I picked that password.  And yet, despite how my life has moved on and continued, that darn password is a link to the past....a link to us.  Even Claudio knows my password.  Yes, I have a Claudio.   Yes, he is a good man.  Yes, I am going to marry him.  He is kind and happy and sweet and interesting.  I recognize the important qualities that you taught me in him....humour, laughing at himself, at life, at me, not taking things too seriously...enjoying life.  He lost someone quickly too.  We both know that death is always lurking around the corner.  It can come at any time, when we least expect it.  So....we travel.  We eat out.  We laugh and we don’t worry so much.  Life (and death) has taught us both that there is no use putting off things because then they may never happen.  Use the good china, take the trip, tell people you love them.  I can’t pass a dog or a baby without stopping.  It is a joke between us.  Claudio doesn’t get dogs....not like you and I did.  He doesn’t understand my need to say ‘hello’ and give lovies to every furry friend.  But, he laughs at me and indulges me.  I have lost both Sam and Grace.  Grace was first....she was so young - only 7.  Cancer.  Sam-a-lam and I had another 4 years together.  She was a good old girl at the end...and she really loved me.  (remember how she used to growl when I came over at first?)....She was a true guard dog.  I felt safe with her, even when she was old and grey.  She was a gift.  When she finally died, it was a last link to you.  The next month, Claudio came into my life.  It was like a door closed and another opened.  I miss you.  I think of you often, but it doesn’t bring the tears it used to.  I know that I can love Claudio and build a life with him because of knowing you.  I am able to accept that he will always love his late wife, because I will always love you.  It doesn’t stop me from loving him - it just adds a dimension.  I hope you are somewhere where the dogs are running, I told Grace and Sam to go and find you.  I hope they did.  Wherever they are will be a fun place to be (hope they don’t shed in heaven or at least that you have a vacuum!).  My love....my furry girls....how I am so glad you were in my life.

xoxo

[iloveyousteve-blog]

Flim Flam Sam-a-Lam

Well Steve, it is just Sam and me now.  It has been a long time since I have looked at this blog.  I opened it up this evening after an inspiring talk with a new friend about 'doing something' with our experiences and sharing them in some way with others - to get some 'message' out that others could benefit from.  I told her about my '50 ways to Grieve your Lover" and I remembered how that process of learning how to live without you but still WITH you in my life was such a cornerstone of growth and happiness for me.  I am sad to say that I have lost my way a bit.  It has been 5 years my darling....5 years and I am still somehow on 'pause'.  Things have happened, life goes on...Gracie died.  Gracie died.  My sweet, giant loveable horse just got cancer one day and it ate away at her leg.  Right till the end she was sweet, and then I let her go and told her to go and be with you.  Her ashes are sitting her, with some of you, waiting for Sam to join you both.  Flim Flam Sam.  She is such a good girl.  My watchdog, my protector, my companion.  She is still a bed hog, a German squarehead, a mattress heater.  She is my last real link to you.  I have been able to part with a lot of your 'stuff', and I have had a relationship with a loving man, and I have accepted that you are dead.  Still, I think of you all the time - a song, a car, a bike, a moment happens and you are here again.  I miss you - not just YOU, but even the spirit of you that I felt around me for so long.  Where did that go?  Did I stop listening?  Maybe this new project will help me find my way again and get back on the path of healing.  Sam will protect me until I can do it on my own - I know you sent her to me.  

[iloveyousteve-blog]

One love...Bob Marley? who knew?

Today I don't even have to write the post - I found this quote about love from Bob Marley and it made my heart burst.  It is exactly how I felt with Steve - so beautifully articulated.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”  ― Bob Marley

[iloveyousteve-blog]

Stuck in neutral?

I am still here.  I am still alive.  It is spring again, and the bikes are out.  Everywhere I look I see them and I can't help but think of you.  "it's too early" I think - when they take them out too soon.   You would never have risked the salt and dirt on your beloved vehicle.  "Be careful" I think, when I see them being reckless or not watching the road the way that you did.  I am still on the back of that bike with you Steve.  I can still feel the wind in my face and smell the street smells and the lilacs at the side of the road.  I know it was one of your greatest pleasures and I hope wherever you are, whatever you are doing...the biking season is longer than it was for you in Parry Sound.  Today, I had a vision of maybe moving forward without you. It made me miss you all the more.  It made me hope for the future and long for the past.  It made me feel alive and also wish I was dead with you.  I know that you want me to be happy.  I know that you are here helping me live my life to the fullest...a life without you...a life that is hard to imagine.   I am stuck in neutral...I can't go back and I am unsure of what is ahead.  Will you help me slip into D and move forward?  I will wait and see.  Everything is as it should be.  That is what you have you taught me, my love.  I will listen for your whisper.

[iloveyousteve-blog]

Cheesecake

Well....it has been 20 months and 29 days since you left me.  But in some ways you haven't left me at all.  It has been 20 months and 29 days since you died.  20 months and 28 days since I kissed you and looked at your face and marvelled at your cheekbones.  I have done many things on my journey to get through the pain of missing you.  After you had been gone about 4 or 5 months I went to a medium and he told me that 'you' said that life was like cheesecake.  If you didn't do what you wanted when you were alive - it felt as if you were looking at a giant piece of cheesecake under glass and you wanted it so badly but you couldn't even have a taste .... oh Steve - trust you to give a food analogy!!!

Here it is - 20 months and 29 days since you died.  And today I met my friend's new partner in her life.  He reminded me a bit of you - but without the 'twinkle' - I guess that was for me.  And guess what he brought ...?   a cheesecake.  The first cheesecake I have had in over 2 years.  As I took a bite ( oh it was glorious!).... I thought of your 'message' via that medium and I let that rich sweet filling hang on my tongue while I closed my eyes and savoured the moment.  Ahhhhhhh how wonderful.  How I loved it.  How I love the summer.  How I love long weekends.  How I love being with friends.  How I love you.  Still.  Always.  Forever.  Thank you for cheesecake.  Thank you for the lesson.  I am going to go through life eating as much cheesecake (literally and metaphorically) as I can!  I love you Steve.  I love that you were in my life.  I love that you have made my life a better and more meaningful experience - even without you.  Thank you.  xoxox

[iloveyousteve-blog]

Can science detect a broken heart?

My little old heart is taking a beating.  And not the good kind of heart beating. 

As part of my regular annual physical I was scheduled for an EKG test.  I waited at the lab for over an hour.   I admit, I think I fell asleep on the not so comfy vinyl exam table with the crinkly paper sheet sometime during that hour, but I finally had to get up, crack the door open a bit (I was topless after all) and yell for help.  The technician ran in with a hint of egg salad sandwich on her lip, obviously having forgotten me while she read two year old People magazines in the lunchroom. 

That experience was bad enough, but a week later a call from my doctor's office tells me that my test results were not 'normal' and says that  I must visit a cardiac centre for a stress test and echocardiogram.  It took two weeks to get a appointment.  A long time when you are imagining in the worst hypochondriac way that any minute will be your last before you hit the floor with a massive heart attack.  I composed notes to my children.  I made sure I told them I loved them at the end of every conversation.  I breathed in the air and the scent of the rain and the sound of the birds as if I would never hear them again.  I didn't even mind when the dog tracked mud all through the house.  After all, what if I never saw her furry face again?  Stoically I faced my mortality.  Well, I thought, at least I will be with Steve.  I hoped he'd be waiting for me and that whatever came after this life we could share together.  I didn't picture the whole wings and harps and angels scenario, but there were some fluffy clouds and maybe a rainbow.

Well, an afternoon at the cardiac centre confirmed it.  I was perfectly fine.  After running on a treadmill, another EKG, an elaborate ultrasound test on my heart and a meeting with a cardiologist I was declared 'normal'.  "No guarantees", said the extremely handsome doctor, "but everything looks good". 

Why then do I feel this huge 'pain' in my chest on a regular basis?  What caused my T-waves to drop in an abnormal V pattern?  Why, during the echocardiogram did the 'whoosh' 'whoosh' sound of my hearbeart have an echo of "I miss you...I miss you" ? 

Stephen's death has broken my heart.  The electric currents of the EKG picked up the residue of my heartbreak.  I think that if they had looked harder they would have seen the spot where it is cracked, and heard just the faintest whisper of his name. 

[iloveyousteve-blog]

"Pillow-top" talk

I walked past the empty bedroom that had been vacated by my daughter a few weeks ago.  She has moved across the country to discover some things about herself, about life, about the world.  I feel a mixture of pride at having this creative, independent, bright and ballsy young woman as my daughter, and despair at seeing her leave knowing that she won't be around to eat pickles, salami and drink wine as we bash the latest reality show on our weekday TV night.  I peered in that room and saw some of her things that wouldn't fit into two big suitcases still hanging on the hooks and draped across the chair.  Her bed was stripped bare and seeing it there, that beautiful cream mattress with the gold swirls I was reminded that that had been our bed....mine and Steve's.  We had bought it for the house up north because I couldn't bear the saggy, soft back killer that was there.  He thought it was an extravagance, I knew it was a necessity. When Madelaine came home from university I had put it in her room and covered with her bedding and pillows and layers of clothes and purses and shoes, I was able to forget for awhile that it had been our bed.  Now, without all of its girly trappings it seemed to call out to me.   I went into Madelaine's room and laid down on Steve's side of the mattress.  Ahhhh I had forgotten what a great bed it was - it cost far more than I had ever told him!  Then I rolled over to my side, and positioned myself the way that he liked to just before he fell asleep.  I closed my eyes and felt him, imagined the shape of his back, his shoulders, the cute way that he flung his arm out over the side.  I whispered his name..."Steve?", I asked.  A deep peaceful wave of love and happiness flooded my heart.  I felt him.  I loved him.  I knew that he loved me.  It was magical.  Maybe I'll think of moving that sucker into my room after all.

[iloveyousteve-blog]

VIP

It was a deadline...I always work to a deadline.  The proposal was due at midnight - I had procrastinated long enough.  For some reason I need to have all of the thoughts and ideas swirling around in my head until the last possible moment and then I feel as if I 'vomit' them out of me - in great gusts of prose, my fingers flying over the keyboard.  I also had a conference to go to on the same day.  No problem.  The quintessential multi-tasker, that's me!  Stalling, stalling, stalling....I let the tension mount until I realize that I am running out of time - I have to get this done and get my butt down to the airport hotel where the conference is being held and check in.  I have already missed the morning sessions....!! I am not as young as I used to be and I am feeling the stress.  A little voice inside my head (Steve?) tells me that I need to take better care of myself...slow down, relax, unwind.  No time for that.  As I finish the proposal, and go upstairs to change I am overcome by a wave of panic.  I take a moment to lie down...to relax and deep breathe.  All at once I am engulfed in deep racking sobs.  Hysterical, can't get your breath type of sobs.  I scream his name.  I bang his pillow.  A deep gutteral sound comes from me so wrenching that both dogs come running to see what is happening.  I wonder if I will ever feel ok again.  I yell at Steve for leaving me - how dare he!! How could he?  How will I ever be ok ever again?  But I drag myself up and out and down to the hotel.  It is late - all the others will already be here - I am frazzled and stressed and flop my bags down while I look for my card.  Next thing I know, my bags are whisked away by a bellboy, my car is valet parked.  The bellman is flirting with me and personally escorting me to my room.  What is up?  He is calling me a "VIP" - asking me if I want room service.  Doesn't he know I am a regular conference goer in a cheap $99 room?  He whisks me to the top 'executive floor' and opens the double doors to the Prime Minister's Suite.  Is there a mistake?  All the other rooms were booked.  I was the last one to register and I guess they thought I wasn't going to come.  Sometimes it pays to procrastinate!!The giant jacuzzi,  the panoramic windows on all sides, the flat-screen TVs (yes plural!), all scream opulance!!!  I fumble for a tip, I close the door, I fill up the jacuzzi and pour the wine...!! ahhhhh thank you Steve for somehow arranging this and for forcing me to take the time to relax and rejuvenate.  He always treated me like a VIP - I had forgotten how good it feels.

[iloveyousteve-blog]

[iloveyousteve-blog]

what a beautiful dog...

[iloveyousteve-blog]

[iloveyousteve-blog]

Interesting visual

"If you are up to your knees in pleasure, then you are up to your waist in grief"  Indian proverb. 

[iloveyousteve-blog]

Meltdown in Aisle 2

What is it about a grocery store that brings on a buggyload of grief? There was a new store in town - one that looked really interesting with lots of boutique type sections selling ready-to-go meals and gourmet cheeses...yummy I thought, I'm gonna try it!   After a day with a new cleaning lady (well she is more than a cleaning lady - she is my "I am in a downward spiral with stuff and need organizing, cleaning, de-cluttering and general domestic support person"),  I decided to restock my fridge.   She had spent 3 hours cleaning it with a toothbrush....it looked brand new and it seemed somehow sacriligious to put old messy ketchup bottles in it.  She had also very politely suggested that perhaps I should only buy what I 'need' the next time I went shopping.   So...armed with that sage advice I entered the new store, gripping my buggy with all the excitement and exhilaration of a kid in a giant candy store.  I made my way around the winding displays (this place was much too upscale to have plain old aisles) admiring all of the wonderful selections.  It was right before Christmas so the inventory was in full entertainment glory.  Cheeses, hors d'oeuvres, dips, oils, breads, biscuits and candy.  I kept picking things up and putting them down, silently oohing and ahhing at this and that.  Then I realized that I wasn't silent after all!  A strange look from a teenage boy in the snack section made me aware that I had been commenting out loud.  I had become one of those creepy middle-aged types talking to themselves while they shuffled around the store.  The image of myself as a well-dressed, elegant woman was shattered as I looked down at my dog-haired covered yoga pants, my salt-stained boots and the sudden realization that I hadn't brushed my hair.  I had been talking to Steve.  Out loud.

He would have loved this place.  We would have had so much fun trying new things, or planning what to have.  Oh, it would have been so fun to buy those cheeses and olives and antipasto.  I picked them up and put them down.  I realized that I had no reason to get them.  I didn't 'need' them, I wasn't going to have a party of one.  I started to speed up then, taking my buggy at a more rapid pace around the store.  Silently, under my breath I kept saying "I love you Steve, I miss you Steve".  I could feel the tears well up in my eyes.  I could feel my throat constrict and the sensation that someone was squeezing my heart.  A year later and I still have trouble in a grocery store!  I miss him so much.

I took a deep breath.  I thought of my friend Janet, who maneuvered me through the grocery stores in the weeks and months after his death because I couldn't bear to go alone.  I tried to put it in a different perspective.  Isn't it nice that I have these 'moments' with Steve, these happy moments where for a while I forget that he is gone and can experience the sensation of him beside me?  So, I veered my buggy toward the gourmet cheeses.  I picked one up he would have liked to try, I got some crackers to go with it, some olives and pickles and some dip.  And just for good measure I picked up our favourite snack and a bottle of wine.  I went home, I made myself a plate to enjoy, poured a glass of wine and once again gave thanks for the love that can still choke me up.

[iloveyousteve-blog]

[iloveyousteve-blog]

what's in a name

Steve had a daughter.  One he hadn't seen since she was a little girl.  I am not sure how that all happened, but I know it was something that caused him a lot of pain and guilt and shame and anguish.  His way of dealing with it was to.....NOT deal with it.  I had made it my mission to find out about her - to somehow use my love and caring to bring him to a place where he could reach out to her.  I used my research skills and dog-with-a-bone tenacity to find out about her....and I did.  Steve didn't think that she was using his last name and so I only had her first name to go on - and I wasn't even sure of the spelling.  I couldn't ask Steve yet; he was not aware of what I was doing. He wasn't ready.  In little tiny steps I was preparing him.  

So.....there I was with a first name only and some vague references from 30 years ago. I found her on a site for Walk for the Cure...there was a beautiful young woman with her first name and Steve's last name. There she was smiling out from her team photo with his smile and his eyes.  A list of sponsors included family members with her mother's Polish last name and so I knew it was her.  From there I had the spelling of her name....Jesse-Lyn.  Unusual and unique, it was not one I had ever heard before. I was slowly able to tell Steve things about her.  I found an online site that had a series of articles she had written.  She was in university, she was engaged, she looked happy and sounded bright and funny.  I could see a wave of relief come over him as I shared this news.  He wanted to know if I knew anything about her mother.  I found a picture of her on Facebook.  Steve looked at that pictures with tears rolling down his cheeks.  I know he was thinking of the life that could have been. The little girl that he had loved and lost.

I didn't realize that I would have to contact that little girl a few weeks later - when he was killed.  They wouldn't get a chance for the reunion I had hoped for.  He had died without a will - she was his only child - his heir.  She was understandably surprised, confused and conflicted.  I was inconsolable with grief and heartbreak.  We connected through those emotions and began to make plans.  She had legal issues, I had the hard work of trying to live without my soulmate.  She had questions about her dad, I tried to answer them.  In the weeks and months that passed, she withdrew from me as she dealt with legal issues and her own emotions about what was happening.  I tried to understand her situation and not be hurt by her distance.  I wanted to meet her, hug her, see Steve in her face, in her voice....hold tight the one thing on Earth that was a living, breathing part of him.  In my grief I fantasized that she would want to know all about the man I loved, the father she never knew and that she and I would somehow create the relationship that I had hoped she would have with him.  

It was my therapist that said to me...'why?'   And with that question I knew.  I was trying to complete something for Steve.  I was trying to make amends for his regrets, trying to tie up the threads of his life.  But that was his life.  I can honour it, I can remember it, I can wish he was still here, but I can't live his life.  I will never be the father to Jesse-Lyn that he should have been.  No matter how much I want to, I cannot fill the hole in her heart that he created.

So I began working on my own life.  I used the lesson of his sudden death to examine my life.  Part of that process was signing up for a course.  It was a teleclass and had people registered from all over.  We were each assigned an 'accountability partner' - a kind of peer network to help keep us on track with the coursework.  I received an email one morning that said...."Laura, meet your accountability partner - Jessie-Lynn". I felt that I had been punched in the stomach.  After coming to terms with letting go of the hope of a relationship with Steve's daughter, what was this?  What was the universe telling me?  Could it be her?  My heart was in my throat.  

So now I have a relationship of my own with a Jessie-Lynn.  Albeit, spelled differently and a young mother in a different city, it is still a Jessie-Lynn.  Maybe the universe was giving me a message.  I cannot live Steve's life for him, but we are forever linked. I have had several long and satisfying messages with my young friend in Ottawa.  I am helping her with parenting advice and an older perspective.  She is helping me move on.  We have had a lot of laughs, and are building a nice friendship.  Thank you Jesse-Lyn/Jessie-Lynn.  Thank you Steve.

[iloveyousteve-blog]

no longer a gutless wonder

my stomach is upset and my nerves are shot and my neck is stressed and I realize that what I used to think was what I wanted is really nothing at all that I want.  You can talk yourself into stuff - you can rationalize things to yourself.  You can even listen to your heart and follow the way that you think is the 'kindest' or the 'nicest' or the one that makes the most people happy....but you can never fool your gut!!  Your gut never lies.  It does not have a heart or a head - it is just a gut.  And when you are doing something that doesn't sit right with you - it squirts a little stomach acid into your system to let you know !!!   Something I have learned the hard way - the way of Zantac and Nexxium and Rolaids....well now I know.....hmmmm lesson learned.  Thank you gut! 

[iloveyousteve-blog]

Grasshopper - let me teach you !

My counsellor wants me to think about/write about what you have taught me....oh my!  My mind is spinning, my thoughts are racing.  Too much..... does she mean BIG life lessons - like life is short you can get hit by a car tomorrow kind of lessons???? - or actual practical lessons like how to turn on an ATV?   Maybe she means the sort of 'funny' lessons - like "Parry Sound Dress Shoes" = felt-lined rubber boots from Canadian Tire?   She has a great sense of humour and is a bit unflappable.  In order to sort of 'avoid' the task I told her that some of the things you taught me were X-rated!!!  She calmly answered, "Well, I would hope so".  What kind of reputable therapist is that?  Oh well....I am going to have to ruminate on this the same why I prepare for my proposal submissions....and then spit out some sort of crazy list for her by next week.  Your were the consumate teacher....ahhh Grasshopper...