highqualityshark-blog

[highqualityshark-blog]

 “Allow yourself to be proud of yourself and all the progress you’ve made. Especially the progress that no one else can see.” 

[highqualityshark-blog]

easy to forgive yet hard to forget

I never thought I would find myself here. Writing on a Tumblr blog and trying to get shit off my chest. I feel like Jenna fucking Hamilton from Awkward, you know that TV show that was on MTV? My boyfriend and I are watching it right now and MAN is that bitch annoying. She types about all of her hardships on a blog, so I was inspired to do the same, but without the dramatic internal monologue voiceover. Speaking of my boyfriend, that’s why I’m here to let out all of my frustrations. 

We first got together after graduating from the same high school, and in the beginning I didn’t think of it more than just a summer fling, something fun to keep me occupied until it was time for me to head to university that fall. But with me being the hopeless romantic I am, I fell for him hard and fast, thinking he was doing the same. Now I’m not going to go into the details of him breaking up with me and the heartbreak I endured by seeing him with another girl while I was away at college, and the anger and blocking on social media that took place, but the point of this post is that he cheated on me with said girl while he and I were still together, and I just can’t forget about it. 

He and I were broken up for a few months but his sister reached out to me and we were brought back together. He begged for forgiveness, apologized endlessly, promised to never leave or treat me badly ever again, etc etc. And he hasn’t, in the over four months that we’ve been back together, I’ve moved in with him and we’ve been completely happy. No cheating, no texting anyone else, we can use each other’s phones without freak outs like before, everything has been more than perfect and I feel like I can say that I trust him again after what he did to me. With that being said, why do I find myself still thinking about what  happened in the past and getting upset at the man that has proven to me that he’s changed? 

I’ve dealt with a lot and been through a lot in my 19 years, so to say that I have built walls up is an understatement, but I want so badly to forget about what happened and trust him completely. The thing is, though, that I  probably won’t forget what happened, not completely anyway. I will probably be in my 40′s, reading a romance book about a couple that deals with cheating and lying but still end up together in the end, and think back to when my now husband and I were dealing with the same shit. I guess what I’m trying to say is although in my heart I know I forgive him for what happened in the past, I’ll probably never forget it or be 100% over it. And that’s okay, because he and I are going to get through whatever gets thrown at us, because we’ve already been through the fucking rut and came out stronger and happier than ever.