hellohellopumpkin

[hellohellopumpkin]

I'm logged in

[hellohellopumpkin]

hey pal, take it easy! you're scrolling with way too much intensity. look at this horse

[hellohellopumpkin]

If I were found in a 'night at the museum" situation, there would be no wacky hijinks, let me tell you. I'd kill myself instantly. The wax figures wouldn't even be alive yet and I'd be dead.

[hellohellopumpkin]

coworker: hey you should come look at the results of a ph test for a customer’s water

me: I’m king of busy rn

coworker: no really just come here

the ph test:

my honest reaction:

[hellohellopumpkin]

You are beautiful in your own, warped little way!

[hellohellopumpkin]

Okay so I'm a security guard, right

And part of why I like my job is cause I'm pretty good at deescalating conflicts without violence or police involvement

And that *might* be because my primary coping mechanism for stress is humor, and if the guy in the uniform isn't stressed out, usually nobody else is either

But anyhow today I witnessed a crime, which 911 had already been called for

And I'm telling the guy, you know, as he's running away, that nobody's gonna touch him, we don't do that here, I don't have any weapons and he can totally walk on out if he wants to

And he gives me this 'go-fuck-yourself" type answer, right? As you do

And I fucking

I fucking. Start danCING

I DONT KNOW WHY

I WAS JUST LIKE "aight guess I'll go fuck myself then, cheerio" AND START FUCKING DANCING

LIKE MY BRAIN WAS LIKE "Cool not being attacked, gotta keep the witnessed calm, gotta stay chill and breezy" AND THE PHYSICAL RESPONSE FOR THAT WAS TO SYART DOING THIS SASSY FUCKING JIG

I DIDNT EVEN REALIZR I WAS FDOUNG IT UNTIL SOMEONE POIU TED IT OUT AFTER

and it all ended fine and the dude is in custody and I get a call from my boss like "Yeah we're gonna need to send footage to police"

AND

FUCKING

THIS IS GOING TO BE SHOWN IN COURT SOMEWHERE

IM DOUNG A SRUPID LITTLE DANCE ON CAMERA AS THIS GUY LOSES HIS MIND AND ITS GONNA BE ON COURT SOMEWHERW

THIS IS THE STUPIDEST FUCKING THING IVE WVER DONE

I HATE MYSELFD

[hellohellopumpkin]

[hellohellopumpkin]

Finding my mother’s sugar daddy’s tumblr with a handful of furry drawings on it was easily the worst thing I’ve done in my life

[hellohellopumpkin]

“How’s life?”

Me:

[hellohellopumpkin]

[hellohellopumpkin]

[hellohellopumpkin]

“Each dot represents 5,000 hogs.” World Geography. 1948. 

[hellohellopumpkin]

honey is the only food product that never spoils. there are pots of honey that are over five thousand years old and still completely edible

[hellohellopumpkin]

[hellohellopumpkin]

Matt Gaetz

[hellohellopumpkin]

Do you guys want to see a picture of my lunch?